Hello again, ChodeNation, and welcome to the fantasy championship edition of the Chode Picks, brought to you by the bitchin’ Verizon Droid RAZR that I got for Christmas. We’re finally here. After sixteen long weeks of imaginary football struggle, the field has been whittled down to the last two teams standing. Various combinations of injuries, bad luck, poor performances and stupid roster moves have knocked 10 of the 12 teams in the league out of championship contention and into one of the absurdly plentiful five consolation games (seriously, NFL.com? We really need a game to differentiate between 11th and 12th place? Now I have to make up more shit to write about, thanks). Anyways, the winner of this week’s championship game lays claim to 3,000 Chode Points, in addition to eternal bragging rights. That should be all the motivation you guys need. TO THE ‘SHIP!
Championship: Donald Drivehers (14-1) vs Duck Hunter (10-5)
It’s time for me to give credit where credit is due. For the past four years, I’ve been insulting and dismissive when it comes to Nate’s fantasy football team. This year, I’ve repeatedly discounted his league-best record and attributed his success to luck, divine intervention, voodoo, or some combination of all three. However, as the season wore on, it became increasingly clear that one team in this league was head and shoulders above everyone else, and that team’s victories were a result of smart roster moves, innovative strategy and sheer fantasy football brilliance. Nate, I won’t deny it any longer; your team is fantastic, and absolutely deserves to lay claim to the Sorry For Partying league championship. So am I finally going to pick you to win? No fucking way. Do you even read the Chode Picks? As for you Kenne, this may be the most important moment of your young life. You must do everything you can to save us all from the collective humiliation of watching Nate win a championship. LET’S GO KAK!!
Duck Hunter by 1 (I’ll give you more on the Ducks later)
3rd place game: Team Beaupre (10-6) vs No Names (9-6)
Rough week, Mike. First the Pack ends the Bears’ playoff hopes in spectacular fashion (Rodgers threw for 5 TDs for the first time in his career), and then Kenne ends your fantasy title hopes the next day. Sucks to suck. But hey, happy birthday! Actually, I’m not going to lie, turning 22 is kind of a bummer. That’s nearly a quarter of a century. Think about it. Almost a third of your life is gone. Man, getting old is depressing. But do you know what’s more depressing? Adrian Peterson’s left knee. Hahahaha. Sorry Joo, I had to go there. Looks like karma came back to bite Viking fans in the ass after they spent last week celebrating the Packer loss. It brings me great joy to announce that the Packers are now better than the Vikings at every position. It brings me even more joy to announce that Wisconsin is better than Gary Anderson’s Loserville at every sport that people actually care about. Packers over Vikings, Badgers over Gophers in football and basketball, Brewers over Twins, and Bucks over Timberwolves. That’s a clean sweep. And honestly, nobody cares about hockey or women’s basketball.
Team Beaupre by 22
5th place game: I Plaxidentally shot myself (8-8) vs Weekend at Bernie’s (5-11)
Good God, this is depressing. There’s a 5-11 team that’s competing for 5th place in my fantasy league. How did we let this happen? Regardless, I’m not going to write about this matchup because it makes me want to go cry in a corner. Instead, let’s talk about the most intriguing NFL game this week: Denver Broncos vs Kansas City Chiefs. One one hand, we have Denver fighting to hold off the Raiders for a playoff spot, while the Chiefs are merely playing for pride. On the other hand, Kyle Orton gets a chance to beat the man that took his starting spot in Denver: Tim “The Hammer” Tebow. By the way, I think it’s only appropriate to recognize the fact that Tebow was voted to the Pro Bowl this past week. I can’t help agree with my friend Jared, who told me “that’s retarded”. Agreed. It’s retarded that anyone would vote for Tebow to play in the Pro Bowl, knowing that he’s obviously going to be preparing for Super Bowl XLVI instead. Haha! Anyways, I fully expect The Big Tebowski to succeed where Aaron Rodgers failed and tear apart the Chiefs defense this week. Go ahead. Hate all you want. It’s going to happen.
Broncos by 14 (Weekend at Bernie’s by 3)
7th place game: Chode’s All Stars (8-8) vs Walking a Fine Line (8-7)
Son of a bitch. I don’t understand how this happens every year. I spend weeks researching for the fantasy draft. I follow ESPN religiously to decide who should start in my lineup every week. I NEVER play anyone who’s injured or on a bye week. I make smart free agent pickups. I probably spend more time on fantasy football than anyone else in this league. And yet here I sit at 8-8, playing for 7th place. I have literally nothing to show for my efforts. I hate this game. Well, at least only one of the teams that I own is cursed with the stink of losing. The other team that I own happens to be the defending champions and has a record of 14-1. That’s right. The Chode is now a proud owner of the greatest franchise in sports history, the Green Bay Packers. I have a stock certificate to prove it, and I can literally feel your jealousy bleeding through my computer screen. Anyways, after the Packers win their 14th NFL championship this season I will own exactly 14/112000 of a championship. In case you suck at math, that’s 0.000125 of one NFL title. More importantly, it’s 0.000125 championships more than any Viking has ever claimed.
Chode’s All Stars by 0.000125
Also, at the risk of jinxing my favorite team and drawing the ire of most of my readers, I’m planning to continue writing the Chode Picks throughout the Packers’ playoff run. For those of you that aren’t as cognitively gifted, that means I won’t be writing next week for the wild card round, but the Picks will return for the divisional games, the NFC Championship, and Super Bowl XLVI. Naturally, the Picks will be shorter because I’m only writing about one game, but I’ll try to make them worthwhile still. You’re welcome.
11th place game: Mondolockdown (2-13) vs rockinoutwithmybigblacklockout
Well, this game has absolutely no significance to anyone, so I’m going to write about the NFL equivalent instead: this week’s titanic matchup between the Colts and Jaguars. Let me ask you this: As a Colts fan, would you rather have your team finish 2-14 and draft a future franchise quarterback, or finish 3-13 and draft an offensive tackle? There’s only one right answer to that question, by the way. If you’re an intelligent football fan, you probably realize that the best thing that could happen to the Colts this week is for them to lose intentionally and secure the #1 pick in the NFL Draft. So naturally, that means that if you’re a Colts fan, you should root for the Jaguars this week, right? WRONG. I’m only going to say this once, so pay attention. If you EVER find yourself rooting for your team to lose a game, you are no longer allowed to call yourself a true fan. Do you hear me, Viking fans? Rams fans? So-called Colts fans? I don’t care if you’re get to draft the greatest player in NFL history, you’ve still sold your soul as a sports fan. There’s no coming back from that point.
Rockinoutwithmybigblacklockout
NBA Update! Your 2012 World Champion Miami Heat are now 3-0 after dominating victories over the Mavericks, Celtics and Bobcats. Despite David Stern’s best efforts to screw the Heat over with the toughest schedule in the league, Miami appears primed to make a run at the ’96 Bulls all-time winning percentage record (by the way, if you’re a true Wisconsin fan you should be rooting for them to break it. Do you really want Illinois to be able to claim the greatest basketball team ever? Didn’t think so). It appears that LeBron, Dwyane, Chris and company have finally realized that they’re faster and more powerful than anybody, ever. Also, Miami has finally found it’s long-term solution at point guard, Norris Cole. Norris Cole, the guy who threw down a 40 point, 20 rebound game at Cleveland State last year. Norris is an ice Cole killer. Norris Cole shaves with an axe. Norris Cole once played with Legos as a child, and the Egyptians have been grateful to him ever since. Norris Cole galvanizes the masses.
Also, Kevin Durant had a pretty sick game-winning three-pointer tonight for the Thunder. Even if you don’t like basketball, you’ve got to appreciate that kind of performance under pressure.
Rose Bowl Update! Less than three days until I board the plane for sunny Pasadena, and less than four days until the Badgers shut everybody’s mouths by beating the hell out of the Oregon Ducks. I’ve literally pissed myself in excitement three times in the past week. The official University of Wisconsin slogan for the Rose Bowl is “Quack is Whack”. I find it disappointing that the upper brass at the University decided to reject my suggestion: “Fuck the Ducks”, which I think is much more concise and effective. Oh well. Won’t keep me from being any less rude and offensive to the Ducks’ faithful once I set foot in California. I’ll let you know how it goes.
Finally, this week it was time for me to address an issue that’s been lingering over my head since early in the season. You see, a certain portion of the Chode followers have been calling to me to debate ESPN’s Skip Bayless for quite some time now. Honestly, I don’t know why, because Skip and I have absolutely nothing in common. He went to Vanderbilt, while I go to Wisconsin. He thinks Tom Brady is the best quarterback in the NFL, while I know that Aaron Rodgers’ left testicle holds more skill than the entire Patriots’ roster. He thinks LeBron is overrated, while I think that the human brain hasn’t evolved far enough to understand how great LeBron is. Also, he’s ugly. Regardless, to appease my readers, I sent Skip the following email this week:
Dear Mr Bayless,
My name is Alex Quilling. I am the writer, editor and publisher of the Chode Picks, the Midwest’s premier source of sports analysis. My readership spans from the vast expanses of North Dakota to the dense forests of Michigan. Recently, my readers have been requesting that I engage you in a live debate about various topics in the world of sports, including but not limited to: Aaron Rodgers’ superiority to Tom Brady, the all-time greatness of the Miami Heat, the Big Ten’s dominance of the SEC, Vanderbilt’s overrated academic reputation, and of course, Tim Tebow’s awesomeness. If you would be so kind as to pay my travel expenses to Bristol, Connecticut, I would gladly debate you on your own show, First Take (I’m sure I’ll make a better co-host than that jackass Stephen A. Smith). Otherwise, I would be glad to host you for a debate in Madison, Wisconsin, provided that you bring a camera crew to capture our epic debate. I sincerely hope that you will not rob from both of our fans this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. You may contact me at aquilling@wisc.edu, or follow me on Twitter at @chodepicks.
Best Regards,
Alex Quilling
I really hope he has the balls and sense of humor to respond. Otherwise I’ll have to go after Bill Simmons.
A few more thoughts before we wrap it up this week:
Does anyone else think it’s odd that Aaron Rodgers, Tom Brady and Andrew Luck all wear #12?
The best strategy for the Packers to beat the Lions this week? Put lipstick on Matthew Stafford and watch Erik Walden beat the living hell out of him.
It took Jay Cutler five seasons to develop a nagging injury that will make him ineffective for the rest of his career. Christian Ponder got it done in less than one season.
Jimmer Fredette is the Tebow of the NBA.
Vodka + Tequila = Vodquila. It tastes exactly how it sounds.
You know how time seems to pass more slowly when you’re on shrooms? No? Okay, well I think the opposite occurs when you’re hammered. It took me four whole hours to write the Chode Picks this week. That’s a personal record.
Lastly, I leave you with… skydiving midgets!!
-Chode Out.
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