Chode Picks – Week 15

And then there were eight. Welcome back to the fantasy quarterfinal edition of the Chode Picks, brought to you by Johnny O’s Sports Lounge. This week marks the beginning of the least wonderful time of the year in Madison, Wisconsin: finals. Don’t get me wrong, I have no problem with a week of no classes and a few exams, but for some reason, everyone else on campus decides to stop having fun for ten days. Naturally, since I only have one real exam and my grades don’t really matter anymore, this has led to the Chode trying (unsuccessfully) to get people to drink with me all week. So I’m sure you could imagine my surprise last night when after leaving the bars, I found myself surrounded by a swarm of beautiful, drunk girls. After taking a moment to thank God for this unanticipated stroke of luck, I realized that I was standing next to Montee Ball. I then watched as all of the girls (and more than a few guys) left me standing in the cold to pursue Montee’s affections. This is when I determined that I probably should have been a stellar athlete rather than a sportswriter. Due to these unfortunate circumstances, I have woken up the past few mornings with a crippling case of “the sobers”, and I’m still feeling the side effects. Bear with me. I’ll do my best to fulfill your expectations. But enough about me. Lets get to football.

Another week, another dominating victory for the Green Bay Packers. Honestly, I don’t know why the Raiders wasted their time flying to Green Bay. After running the score to 31-0 at halftime, Rodgers and company coasted to an easy victory. We even had a Matt Flynn sighting towards the end. Flynn cleverly threw two incompletions to mask his phenomenal skill from the other 31 NFL teams that will undoubtedly try to lure him away from the Packers in free agency next summer. Well played, Matt. Rodgers, on the other hand, actually played his worst game of the season statistically. His quarterback rating was a paltry 96.7, marking the first time in the past 14 games that it’s dipped below the century mark. Shame on you, Aaron. Besides Rodgers’ God-awful performance, there was one only other reason for Packer fans to be concerned: the MCL sprain suffered by Greg “I put the team on my back, do” Jennings. Jennings is expected to be out for 3 weeks, which will give him more than enough of time to get healthy for the playoffs. Crisis averted. Despite the injury, Mike McCarthy reportedly doesn’t plan on holding any starters out of the last three games of the season. I couldn’t agree more. This is not the time to take the foot off of the gas pedal, and when you’ve already won a Super Bowl, why not try for perfection?

In other football-related news, Jerry Sandusky’s lawyer released a statement today claiming that Sandusky was merely “teaching juveniles basic hygiene skills” in the Penn State shower room, such as “how to put soap on their body”. Are you fucking kidding me? That’s your defense? Really? This just confirms my suspicion that criminal defense attorneys are either soulless, stupid, or some combination of both. Sue me. 

In basketball news, the New Orleans Hornets finally traded Chris Paul to the Clippers today, somehow managing to dodge David Stern’s mighty veto-axe. After decades of misery the Clippers are finally the best team in their own city. Leave it to the Clippers to finally become the best team in Los Angeles during the same year that the Mayans predicted the world to end. Maybe they were right after all. Regardless, I can’t wait to watch the Chris Paul/Blake Griffin/DeAndre Jordan alley-oop orgy that’s going to dominate the SportCenter Top 10 for the next two years.
In other NBA news, the Miami Heat are reportedly attempting to sign Tim Tebow to help LeBron James learn how to score in the fourth quarter. Zing!

Who wins a fight between a hurricane and Mike Ditka? Wait, the hurricane is named Hurricane Tebow. Suck it, Chicago.

If you couldn’t tell already, it’s time for me to pay tribute again to the savior of the Denver Broncos… MARION BARBER! I won’t write a paragraph about Tim this week, I promise. By the way, Matt Prater has quietly become the most clutch kicker in the NFL. 59 yards to force overtime, and then 51 yards to win the game. I don’t care what altitude you’re playing at, that’s impressive.

Congratulations to Eric, Brandon, Jared, and former league champion Dave for dropping into the consolation bracket after embarrassing first-round playoff losses. In the immortal words of Michael Beaupre, it sucks to suck.

Chode’s All Stars (8-6) vs No Names (8-5)

So. We meet again, Joo. For those of you who’ve recently began reading the Chode Picks, I’d like to let you know that the rivalry between the Chode and the Joo, (who is also known as Levi Hartz) is one of fantasy football’s oldest and most bitter rivalries. Exactly three years ago this week, Chode’s All Stars knocked Joo out of the playoffs for the first time, and it’s taken a three entire seasons for his team to recover and return to challenge me again. I suspect it will take even longer for him to deal with the ass-whooping that I’m about to deal out this week. Levi, I am going to take each one of your pre-existing holes and fill it with my seed, and then invite my infant son to go potty inside of you like a rest stop bathroom. I am going to shove my rigid fist up your ass and then open it like a catcher’s mitt. I am going to take a razor blade and slice you open from your ball sack to your taint like a taco. And most of all, I am going to shamelessly quote from The League on FX, because that show is fucking hilarious. Also, I want to give a big shout out to Marshawn Lynch, who single-handedly saved my season last week by bringing me back from fifteen points down last Monday night. Mondolockdown, HOLD MY DIIIIIIIIIIIIIICK!!!!!

Chode’s All Stars by 8,394

Braun Muffs Up (8-5) vs Weekend at Bernie’s (4-10)

Nice work, Kenne. Out of twelve teams in the league, you were the only one clever enough to pull off a Ryan Braun reference. By the way, if you had the choice, would you rather get busted for taking steroids, or have the entire country know that you have herpes? I’d take the second option, for one reason; I asked a quite a few girls this weekend if they would still sleep with Braun, knowing that he has herpes, and the overwhelming majority of them said yes, with no hesitation. Apparently, The Beatles lied to us, because money can buy love. Also, congratulations to Rob Gronkowski for breaking the NFL single season receiving touchdown record last week. My good friend Dan Nelson said it best: “four Redskins and every tight end in NFL history just got Gronk’d.” I’m still not fully convinced that Gronkowski and Tebow aren’t the same person.

Braun Muffs up by 81

Team Beaupre (9-4) vs Moore is Less (5-9)

Wait a minute. What the hell is Will doing in the quarterfinals? There must be some mistake. Let me check this out. Wow, Jared. Care to explain how you lost a playoff game to a team that’s won 6 games over the past 2 years? Should have started Manningham, dumbass. By the way, I think this is a good time to revise my Super Bowl prediction for the year. In week 3, I claimed that the undefeated Packers would play the Buffalo Bills in Indianapolis. Clearly, I had a bit too much faith in Ryan Fitzpatrick. It’s now clear to me that the 18-0 Packers will face the Denver Broncos in Super Bowl XLVI. How do I know this? Well, I used a highly sophisticated computer simulation to determine which teams had the best chance of making it through the playoffs. In other words, my roommate played a season of “Madden ‘11” with the Broncos and took them to a Super Bowl matchup against the Packers. That’s stone cold science, fellas. Can’t argue with it. So my new prediction is: Green Bay 31, Denver 24 in Super Bowl XLVI. Place your bets now.

Team Beaupre by 13

Donald Drivehers (12-1) vs I Plaxidentally Shot Myself (7-7)

Fuck you, Nate.

I Plaxidentally Shot Myself by 30

Shout out to Kenne Koehler this week for attempting to break Chode’s personal record of 24 consecutive days of drinking. Unfortunately for Kenne, he found himself on the wrong end of a $232 trespassing ticket on the third day of his attempt. Sorry Kenne, but in the words of Mercury Morris, “don’t call me when you’re on my block, call me when you’re at my doorstep”. Don’t beat yourself up too much though, you only fell short by three whole weeks. But seriously, get on my level. One million Chode Points to anyone who can make 25 days in a row (And you actually have to get drunk every day, not just a beer or two. It’s a lot more difficult than it sounds).

Congratulations to the UW-Whitewater Warhawks for winning their third consecutive NCAA Division 3 National Championship. Better luck next year, Mount Union.

Damn it. It’s snowing. I hate snow. All I wanted was a brown Christmas for once. Is that too much to ask?

Quote of the week: “Nothing is ever perfect in football… unless you’re the Packers.” – Tom Brady

Another quote of the week: “Study high, take the test high, get high scores!” – Ariel Xavier Carpo Evans

Sorry guys, I don’t have an awesome Youtube link for you this week. Somebody bail me out, please.

-Chode Out.