Can you hear them? Listen closely, gentlemen. They started off as faint murmurs of discontent, increasing to audible grumbles of jealousy during the past two months, and finally, they’ve come to a raging crescendo of hateful bitterness this week. Can you hear them now? Turn your ears to the west, towards the state formerly know as Minnesota. Towards the masses of pitiful, cowardly haters. They’ve been waiting. For three months, they’ve been waiting, watching, and praying for a Green Bay defeat. Finally, a week ago their prayers were answered by the unlikeliest of saviors, Kyle Orton and the Kansas City Chiefs. As an improbable sequence of injuries, dropped passes and poor coaching decisions combined to derail the Packers’ undefeated season, those miserable bastards finally had a reason to rejoice. And naturally, they responded by bombarding the Chode with tactless taunts, blissfully ignoring the fact that their own team has won exactly two games all season. In light of these circumstances, I would like to dedicate this Christmas edition of the Chode Picks to all of the haters, and more specifically, the ever-dwindling population of Viking fans. This one’s for you, assholes. I wish I could see things from your perspective, but I really don’t think I’ll ever be able to get my head that far up my ass. I know it’s not your fault that you’ve become bitter and jaded from growing up watching season after season of Viking and Gopher futility. It’s also not your fault that you’re forced to watch the Twins collapse in October every year (by the way, they jumped the gun a bit in 2011). But damn, could you at least make an effort to hide your Minnesotan inferiority complex? I’m embarrassed for you. I think the real reason that Viking fans were so ecstatic about the Packer loss is that they were all secretly terrified of the idea of a 19-0 Packers season. Can you imagine what it would be like to watch your bitter rival complete the greatest season in sports history, knowing that you’ll probably never even get the chance to claim a single championship? I suppose the silver lining in the Packer loss was that they probably kept a few Minnesotans from calling the suicide hotline this week. I guess we’ll just have to settle for winning back-to-back Super Bowls. Damn. Also, it makes me giggle that the Packers, at 13-1, probably have as many wins as the Timberwolves will get all season. In summary, fuck your Vikings, fuck your Twins, fuck your Gophers, and fuck everything else that comes out of that wretched state (which from this point on, will be referred to as GaryAnderson’s Loserville). If you’d like to talk more shit, we’ll be over here with our 13 NFL championships and 11,000 lakes. Suck it.
As far as the Packers, we had a good run, but I think it’s pretty obvious that it’s time to blow it up and start over. Might as well trade Rodgers for all he’s worth and start rebuilding around Matt Flynn and Randall Cobb. Also, we clearly need to get rid of McCarthy. Losing on the road by 5 points is completely unacceptable this late in the season. If he hasn’t figured out how to get the team to win games by now, it’s probably never going to happen. Maybe we can convince Tim Brewster to come coach the Packers. Keep your fingers crossed. All kidding aside though, I think we’re going to see a very angry, motivated Green Bay team tomorrow against Josh McCown and the Bears. Knocking Chicago out of playoff contention will be a great way to get rid of the bitter taste of losing. If you can’t tell, I’m expecting a Packer blowout tomorrow. By the way, congratulations to the Detroit Lions on clinching their first playoff spot since 1999. Good luck against San Francisco in the wild card round. You’re going to need it.
Alright, it’s time for Chode’s annual BCS Bowl-O-Rama. Prepare to be amazed as I preview and pick the winners of every BCS game this year, in order of most important to least important.
Rose Bowl Game presented by Vizio: #10 Wisconsin (11-2) vs #5 Oregon (11-2)
Don’t let the rankings fool you. While the Oregon Ducks were beating up on inferior competition in the Pac-12, Wisconsin was slugging it’s way to a second consecutive Big Ten Championship. To be honest, I think Oregon might not even be one of the best two teams in it’s own conference this year. I almost wish that USC was bowl-eligible so that the Badgers could face a worthy opponent in Pasadena. Also, it’s worth mentioning that in 3 of the last 4 games that Oregon has lost, their opponent has had extra time to prepare for Chip Kelley’s offense. Assuming that we can hold the Ducks to under 40, I’m pretty sure that Russell, Montee and company can put up enough points to bring this one home. By the way, exactly one week from right now, I’ll be in Los Angeles. Enjoy your snow.
Wisconsin by 7
Allstate BCS National Championship Game: #2 Alabama (11-1) vs #1 LSU (13-0)
Hold on a second, haven’t we already seen this game? That’s right, I remember now. I nearly fell asleep in the third quarter because it was so damn boring. If the BCS really wants to include Alabama in this game, then they really need to change their slogan from “every game counts” to “every game counts, unless an SEC team finishes with one loss”. Bullshit. The BCS formula is so blatantly retarded, it probably gets special paychecks from the government three times a year. And if Alabama wins this game, does anyone really think that they deserve to be called national champions? Keep in mind that they got to sit on their asses and eat chicken wings two weeks ago as LSU was beating Arkansas for the SEC championship. Unfortunately, I think that’s where we’re headed. I think Alabama wins a close game and takes home the crystal ball, despite still having a worse record than LSU. God, I hate Nick Saban. On the bright side, we’ll finally get to see an SEC team lose in the national championship. Also, I’m convinced that the SEC’s football dominance is the South’s way of trying to avenge their loss in the Civil War.
Alabama by 3 (ugh)
Tostitos Fiesta Bowl: #4 Stanford (11-1) vs #3 Oklahoma State (11-1)
This will probably be the best game all season that doesn’t actually matter. Both of these teams are pissed off about losing to inferior competition and costing themselves a shot at the title. Both are led by excellent quarterbacks. Both have talented defenses, and both teams play without making a lot of mistakes. At the end of the day though, there’s only one Mike Gundy. I’M A MAN! I’M 40!! COME AFTER ME, STANFORD!!
Oklahoma State by 40
Allstate Sugar Bowl: #13 Michigan (10-2) vs #11 Virginia Tech (11-2)
Somehow, the third best team in the Big Ten gets to play in the Sugar Bowl against the ACC champion. Great. I can’t wait to listen to all of the “experts” at ESPN rip the Big Ten apart after Michigan loses this one. Remember what I said about teams playing better after they have extra time to prepare for Oregon’s offense? Same goes for Denard Robinson.
Virginia Tech by 10
Outback Bowl: Michigan State #17 (10-3) vs #16Georgia (10-3)
Whoops. Sorry, Sparty. I totally forgot that this isn’t a BCS bowl. My bad.
Discover Orange Bowl: #23 West Virginia (9-3) vs #15 Clemson (10-3)
Can somebody please explain to me what the hell these two teams are doing here? Clemson has lost 3 of their last 5 games. West Virginia got blown out by Syracuse, and their best win came against the mighty Cincinnati Bearcats. Let me put it this way: if we had a college football playoff, neither of these teams would make the cut. There are at LEAST 6 other teams that deserve this game more.
Clemson by 6
In other college football news, USC quarterback Matt Barkley has decided to give up a top-10 spot in the NFL draft to come back to Southern Cal for his senior season. See you a year from now in the Rose Bowl, Trojans.
Alright then. Time for the semifinal picks.
Donald Drivehers (13-1) vs No Names (9-5)
Damn it. This game leaves me with two terrible options. Either I pick my longtime nemesis Joo, the guy who knocked me out of the championship bracket last week, or I pick Nate. I’m not quite sure why I hate picking Nate to win, but it feels like I die a little bit inside every time I do. By the way Joo, welcome to the Crevice. Never forget.
Donald Drivehers by 23
Teboning Buffalo Bill (9-5) vs Team Beaupre (10-4)
Here we go. In addition to a spot in the championship game, Oshkosh fantasy football supremacy is on the line in this one. As much as I’d like to pick Kenne based on his team name alone, it appears that God has abandoned the Broncos for the past two weeks. Come on Timmy, pull yourself together. Losing to the Patriots was one thing, but Buffalo? Really? I know it looks cooler when you sneak into the playoffs and then go on a dominating playoff run to win it all (like your 2010 Green Bay Packers, by the way), but Denver is seriously tempting fate. You can’t dick around with a playoff spot on the line. Don’t make a fool out of me.
Team Beaupre by 15
On to the consolation bracket…
Chode’s All Stars (8-7) vs I Plaxidentally Shot Myself (7-8)
First off, I apologize for not getting the Chode Picks out on time this week. Secondly, I demand an apology from all of you for not telling me that all of this week’s games were on Saturday instead of Sunday. I’m not a professional; you can’t possibly expect me to know that on my own. Also, now my lineup sucks because I didn’t make my roster changes in time. It’s all your faults. Ah, what the hell. For the second time in the ENTIRE HISTORY of the Chode Picks, I’ll pick myself to lose. Reverse jinx, anyone?
I Plaxidentally Shot Myself by 37
Weekend at Bernie’s (4-11) vs Moore is Less (5-10)
Neither of you care who wins this game. You know it, I know it, and honestly, I don’t blame either of you one bit.
TIE
On to the second consolation bracket...
Its on like Ndamukong (5-9) vs Mondolockdown (2-12)
Mondlock, you’ve pretty much got last place locked up by now. It takes an astounding amount of ineptitude to lose 14 out of 16 games in a fantasy season, but you’re right on the cusp of it. Also, I’m positive that you’re not going to read this, so I’ll come right out and say it: you are without a doubt the ugliest person on the planet. It’s not even close. Also, Jordan was overrated.
Its on like Ndamukong by 81
Walking a Fine Line (7-7) vs rockinoutwithmybigblacklockout
You know what, Dave? I read your blog. All of it. And although I appreciate your writing, I was appalled that you’ve been cheating on us with two other leagues. All this time, I thought we had something special. I feel used. By the way, where do you get off picking Oregon to beat Wisconsin? Or picking Marquette to go further than the Badgers in the NCAA tournament? Who the hell do you think you are? I’ll make the outlandish predictions around here, thank you very much. For example, the Miami Heat will beat the Dallas Mavericks by 42 points tomorrow. That’s a stone cold fact. And even if most of you don’t give a damn about the NBA, you’re probably going to check the score tomorrow just to see how much I was off by.
Walking a Fine Line by 10
This week, the Ohio State football program was sanctioned with a one-year bowl ban beginning in 2012, as well as the loss of four scholarships. Based on these punishments, Penn State should be bowl-eligible again sometime around the year 2072.
In other college football news, Georgia head coach Mark Richt was hit with NCAA violations this week for paying his assistant coaches money out of his own pocket because he didn’t feel like they were being compensated fairly. Outrageous. How DARE you, Coach Richt? Charity and fairness have never been NCAA-sponsored values. Shame on you, Mark.
Ladder. High five, Sawle.
A very merry Christmas to you all.
- Chode Out.
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