Chode Picks - Week 14

Every season, there is a single football game that transcends the sport itself. While other games pass through our consciousness and eventually fade from memory, these contests stick with us for years or even decades. They become less of a game between two opposing football teams, and more of a primal struggle for survival between good and evil. In these heroic competitions, one warrior must always rise above the rest and crush his foes with superior skill and athleticism. And although the warrior may not be the hero that was expected from the spectators, by the end of the game, it becomes clear that he is a man among boys on the field of play. We saw such a hero this past Saturday night. Standing tall, one leg in the air, confidently waiting for some dumbass Spartan to run into him and draw a game clinching penalty, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you…… BRAD NORTMAN!!! If for some reason you were trapped under a rock and missed the ending of the Big Ten Championship game last weekend, I’ll quickly summarize for you: Wisconsin punter Brad Nortman single-handedly catapulted the Badgers past rival Michigan State and into the Rose Bowl. After launching a booming punt with less than a minute to go in the fourth quarter, Nortman bravely stood with his leg hanging in the air as Michigan State’s Isaiah Lewis, attempting to block the punt, was teabagged by Brad’s enormous testicles and consequently flagged for roughing the kicker, a penalty that sealed a 42-39 victory for Wisconsin. Nortman then had sex with every girl in the stadium.

The Chode would like to extend his deepest thanks Mr. Nortman for giving me the opportunity to return to Pasadena for the Rose Bowl on January 2nd. That’s right, I’m headed back to L.A. Just bought my plane tickets yesterday. Can’t wait. Jealous? You should be. Also, I felt like I should thank the Spartan who drew the penalty as well, so after the game I sent the following Facebook message to Isaiah Lewis:

“Mr. Lewis, the University of Wisconsin would like to offer you one free ticket to the Rose Bowl Game presented by Vizio in Pasadena, CA on January 2nd, 2012. On Wisconsin!”

Oddly enough, he didn’t respond. Honestly, I would have given him my extra ticket (by the way, if anyone reading this wants it, I’ll sell it for face value).

I guess Russell Wilson and Montee Ball played pretty well too. Well done, fellas. Next victim: Phil Knight’s personal playground, the Oregon Ducks. I’ll write more about that game when we get closer to New Years.

In a related story, Montee Ball was named as a Hesiman finalist this week and will be traveling to New York for the official presentation on Saturday. He deserves it. Naturally, if the Chode were picking the Heisman winner, it would be Ball, but unfortunately it appears that the Waco media machine has already anointed Robert Griffin III as this year’s winner. Don’t get me wrong, Griffin is a hell of a player, but let’s be honest, he’s no Russell Wilson. Anyways, Ball will have a better shot at the Heisman next year after Andrew Luck, Trent Richardson and Griffin all head to the NFL. And yes, Montee is staying for his senior year. I’ve already decided. I know he can’t pass up the chance to be the featured athlete of the Chode Picks every week for a few measly NFL dollars. Especially after Dayne Crist transfers from Notre Dame to Wisconsin in the offseason (I’m calling it right now. Remember that.).

In other Wisconsin sports news, the Green Bay Packers ran their record to 12-0 last Sunday, toying with the New York Giants until the final minute when Aaron Rodgers went into All-Madden mode and drove the length of the field in 56 seconds to set up a game-winning field goal by Mason Crosby. With 4 games remaining against Oakland, Kansas City, Chicago and Detroit, it seems that a 16-0 season is inevitable, assuming that Mike McCarthy doesn’t pull Aaron Rodgers once Green Bay clinches the #1 seed. Even then, I think Matt Flynn could still lead Green Bay to wins over the Chiefs, Bears and Lions without much help. Now, I don’t mean to sound arrogant, but I’m pretty sure I predicted at the start of the season that the Badgers would make a BCS bowl game and that the Packers would go 16-0. Just call me NostraChodeus. As for my next prediction…

The Miami Heat will win lose no more than 10 games in the 2011-2012 regular season and will cruise to their second NBA title in 6 years. Honestly, there’s nobody in the East that has a chance to beat them in a seven game series. The Celtics are too damn old, and while Chicago may have the Derrick Rose, the MVP, but Miami has Pat Riley, the MVPenis. Riley was at it again on Thursday, convincing veteran forward Shane Battier to play in Miami for a significantly reduced salary. Basically, Battier is Mike Miller with a lower salary, better defense and less injury problems. Considering that the Heat will probably waive Miller before the season starts, they’ll have enough salary cap room to re-sign point guard Mario Chalmers and acquire center Eddy Curry to shore up their frontcourt. If you’re scoring at home, that leaves the Heat with a starting rotation of LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, Chris Bosh, Udonis Haslem, Shane Battier, Mario Chalmers, Joel Anthony and Eddy Curry. Barring injury, nobody is stopping that team this season, even if Chris Paul goes to the Lakers. The only weak spot on the Heat roster is at center, and if the rumors are true that Riley is working on a LeBron-for-Dwight Howard and Ryan Anderson trade, that position will be shored up in no time at all. In summary, I present to you your 2012 NBA Champions, the Miami Heat! Deal with it, America.

Hey speaking of LeBron, why isn’t anyone burning Albert Pujols’ jersey in St. Louis? Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do when your superstar leaves for greener pastures? Oh wait, I remember now. Ohio is full of bitter assholes. Well, enjoy your Gator Bowl, Ohio State. We’ll send you a picture of the Rose Bowl. And enjoy coming back to Camp Randall next November to get your asses handed to you. I’ll leave that one alone until next year.

Great move by the Big East Conference by adding Boise State, San Diego State, Houston, SMU and Central Florida this week, because when I think of the Big East, I think of California, Idaho and Texas. You’re still going to lose your automatic BCS bid though, don’t kid yourself.

Alright, time for the season’s first fantasy playoff edition of the Chode Picks, sponsored by Everclear grain alcohol. 8 teams will enter, 4 teams will advance to play the other 4 lucky bastards who got bye weeks. Let’s get to it.

Rockinoutwithmybigblacklockout (7-6) vs sucsex without honor (4-9)

Jared if you lose this one, I will mock you for all of eternity. Or at least until Christmas. I’m actually pretty impressed that you managed to win 7 games with Alex Smith and Matt Hasselbeck as your starting quarterbacks. And since Mike isn’t playing this week, I guess I’ll have to direct all of my Bear-fueled hatred towards Will this week. When your team is seriously considering signing a 50-year old Brett Favre to finish off the regular season because Kansas City just held you to three points, I think it’s time to admit that you’re offensively challenged. To make matters worse, Matt Forte is probably done for the year with an MCL sprain. With games against the surging Broncos and perfect Packers left on the schedule, I think we can safely say that the Bears are out of the playoff hunt. And I swear to God if the Cubs sign Prince Fielder, I’m going to burn the entire city of Chicago to the ground.

Rockinoutwithmybigblacklockout by 6 (Caleb Hanie INTs in 2 games as a starter)

Its on like Ndamukong (5-8) vs I Plaxidentally Shot Myself (6-7)

Well, if the Bears are doing their best to take themselves out of playoff contention, the Lions are right on their heels, dropping their past two games by a combined 26 points. To be fair, Detroit was playing the Packers and the Saints (probably the second best team in the NFC), so I’ll give them a break for now. Just don’t drop an easy one this week against Minnesota if you want to keep up with the Giants in the wild card race. Shouldn’t be too difficult. Unless you take the word of one of my Minnesotan roommates, who claims that “Christian Ponder is just as good as Aaron Rodgers, he just doesn’t have a good supporting cast”, and then we’ll both fall to our deaths from the top of your skyscraper of faulty logic. Anyways, in good conscience, I can’t pick Eric to win this one, considering he’s lost 8 of the past 9. Hey, speaking of terrible teams, Manning or Luck? You’ve got three seconds, go! (waiting…) Okay, if you answered anything other than “Manning”, you’re wrong. Why? Because Manning is still one of the best five quarterbacks in the league (and will be for the next half-decade), and if the Colts decide to thrown Luck into the fire on a terrible Colts team next season, he’s going to get the motherloving shit kicked out of him. Honestly, the best scenario for Indianapolis is to either draft Luck and trade him, or to trade the pick on draft day. And don’t try to sell me the Brett Favre/Aaron Rodgers parallel either, because Peyton Manning is better than Favre ever was, and ANDREW LUCK IS NOT AARON RODGERS! Sorry, went off on a bit of a tangent there. Chode is pretty drunk right now. I forgot how fast Everclear takes me from zero-to-pissing 60 proof.

I Plaxidentally Shot Myself by 2 (Career Pro Bowl appearances for Andrew Luck)

BREAKING NEWS: Chris Paul has been traded to the Los Angeles Lakers for Pau Gasol and Lamar Odom

Walking a Fine Line (7-6) vs Weekend at Bernie’s (3-10)

Matt Moore, Kenne? Really? Alright, we’ll roll with it I guess. This game marks the first contest in the battle for Oshkosh supremacy in the House that Jack Built. And no, I’m not going to make another joke about former Syracuse basketball coach Bernie Fine in this paragraph. Because in my opinion, all of these molestation jokes are getting old… unlike that kid in the Penn State showers. Sorry, couldn’t help myself. Let’s all hope that scumbag spends the rest of his life in the State Penn.

Walking a Fine Line by 107 (combined age of Jerry Sandusky’s 10 victims)

MORE BREAKING NEWS: NBA dictator commissioner David Stern has just nixed the aforementioned Chris Paul trade to promote “competitive balance” in the league. Bullshit. Don’t get me wrong, I hate the Lakers with a passion, but shooting down a trade like that was the absolute worst thing that Stern could have done while trying to repair the league’s public image after the lockout. Just retire already.

Chode’s All Stars (7-6) vs Mondolockdown (2-11)

Hold on. Let me gather myself for a minute. (waiting…) Ahem. TEBOW! TEBOW! TEBOW! TEBOW! TEBOW! TEBOW! TEBOW! TEBOW! TEBOW! In case you haven’t watched a minute of Sportcenter over the past week, T-Squared led the Broncos to yet another last-minute victory over the Minnesota Vikings. This led to ESPN dedicating an entire hour of coverage to Tebow the next day. Jared, I can almost hear you screaming in anger from 200 miles away, so I’ll go ahead and agree with you: the media’s fascination with Tebow is absurd. The guy gets more face time than Rodgers, Drew Brees and Tom Brady combined. But you know what? There are two ways you can deal with Tebowmania. You can either get pissed off and change the channel every time he’s on TV, or you can embrace it and enjoy the ride. Clearly, I chose the second option. As any Denver Bronco or Miami Heat fan will tell you, it’s a hell of a lot more fun this way. Try thinking of Tebow as the anti-Favre. That should help (by the way, if Favre is the antichrist, and Tebow is the anti-Favre, well… I’ll let you connect the dots). Go Broncos.

Chode’s All Stars by not one, not two, not three, not four, not five, not six, not seven…

Unfortunately, the North Dakota Scalpers aren’t playing football anymore, so I can’t give you an update on their season this week. I would give you an update on their other sports, but lets be honest, nobody gives a damn.

Well, that’s all for the Chode Picks this week. Enjoy your weekend, fellas. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do. By the way, you should check out the first link below. It’s short and pretty damn funny. I swear I’m not Rickrolling you this time.
2,209 words. That’s a Chode Picks personal best. High five for myself.

We eat ‘em up, we swallow ‘em down, we spit ‘em out, no HOMO!

-Chode Out.