Chode Picks - Week 13

Here we go again. Welcome back to week 13 in the 6th season of Chode Picks, brought to you by Thunderbird Malt Liquor. It’s been a glorious week in the life of the Chode, for more than a few reasons. First and foremost, how ‘bout them Badgers? After sodomizing Penn State 45-7 last Saturday, Wisconsin clinched a spot in the first-ever Big Ten Championship Game in Indianapolis. Apparently I was wrong about Wisconsin’s offensive line, because they kicked the motherloving shit out of Penn State’s vaunted front seven last weekend as Montee Ball ran wild. Expect more of the same this weekend against Michigan State. I know the past two games between these teams have been close games resulting in Wisconsin losses, but I’m really expecting a Badger blowout this time around. At this point, the only thing stopping Ball from scoring six or seven times per game is Bielema’s sense of sportsmanship (no, seriously). So against the hated Spartans, I expect him to show no mercy and run up the score on those bastards from Lansing. Don’t let me down, Bret. Unfortunately, the Chode will not be able to make the trip to Indy for the game, due to an unfortunate scheduling conflict. Damn it. I guess I’ll just have to settle for two Packer games, five Badger games, and a possible repeat Rose Bowl trip. Woe is me. Anyways, it’s time to address a subject that I’ve been neglecting for most of the season: Wisconsin’s real Heisman candidate, Montee “Money” Ball. With all the hype about Russellmania this year, it was almost easy to overlook the fact that Ball has piled up 1870 yards and THIRTY FOUR touchdowns this season. And with that in mind it’s time for the Heisman voters to recognize that MONTEE BALL IS JUST AS GOOD OR BETTER THAN TRENT RICHARDSON! When you consider that Montee has had to share the ball with Russell Wilson and James White all year, it becomes even more obvious that MoneyBall is the most outstanding player in college football. If this guy doesn’t get the award, they should stop giving it away entirely. By the way, he’s about to break the single-season touchdown record of 39 held by some guy from Oklahoma State named Barry Sanders.

With that in mind, Montee please don’t bolt for the NFL. White isn’t ready to be the feature back yet, and we’re going to be breaking in a new QB next year. Wisconsin needs you.

In other college football news, it’s becoming more and more apparent that we’re headed for an Alabama-LSU rematch in the title game. This is bullshit. Alabama had their shot at LSU and failed. The game was even in Alabama. Time for the Saban and company to step aside and let somebody else have a shot at the Tigers. Oklahoma State? No, I’m sorry, but you don’t get to play for the championship if you lose to Iowa State. Stanford? Nope, you lost to Oregon by 23, and Oregon lost to LSU by 13. Therefore, LSU beats Stanford by 36, and that makes for a really boring national championship game. Virginia Tech? Please. Being the ACC champion is like being the smartest kid on the short bus. So that leaves only one logical candidate to play LSU for the title….

The HOUSTON COUGARS!!! That’s right. Champions of the powerhouse C-USA conference and owners of an unbeaten record, Case Keenum and company have demonstrated that they’re the only team up to the challenge of facing the soon-to-be SEC champs. Then we can all watch as Tyrann Mathieu literally tears Keenum’s limbs off, and the BCS pundits can all go home happy, knowing that their system has once again produced a clear, undisputed champion.

Quick tangent: if you don’t live in Alabama, don’t end your statements with “roll tide”. You sound like a moron. Thanks. 

In other college football news, congratulations to the Blue Mountain State Goats on defeating the Blackwell Raiders for the unofficial national championship yesterday. A special shout out goes to senior linebacker Thad Castle for scoring the game-winning touchdown (SPOILER ALERT!!). You’ll be missed, Thad. Enjoy your billion dollars. Damn, I’m going to miss that show.

Kenne, the next paragraph is about basketball (you know, that sport with all those athletic black dudes throwing an orange ball into a hoop), so you might want to skip it.

Another reason why this week was awesome: the NBA’s “nuclear winter” has been averted. On Saturday, the owners and players reached a tentative agreement on a new collective bargaining agreement that will allow the Miami Heat to win six to ten championships before the next lockout. The proposed new season starts on Christmas day with matchups between the Lakers and Bulls, Celtics and Knicks, and of course, Heat and Mavericks. Personally, I’m happy that Nowitzki and company will be receiving their championship rings right in front of LeBron. If that doesn’t motivate him to step up in the Finals this year, nothing will. Even if you don’t like watching the NBA, at least you can appreciate that this is another professional sport that Minnesota sucks at (sorry Sam, WNBA players aren’t professionals).

Anyways, it’s the last week of the fantasy season before the Sorry For Partying League playoffs begin. So there’s no excuse for any of you to slack off in setting your lineups this week. Let’s get to the Picks.

Chode’s All Stars (7-5) vs Donald Drivehers (11-1)

Remember what I said a second ago? That doesn’t apply to your team, Nate. You’ve already clinched the #1 seed, so you should absolutely bench your starters to rest them for the upcoming playoff run. All of them. Come on, don’t be a dick. It’s the least you can do. Otherwise, karma will bite you in the ass later. Trust me. Next topic.
Tebow, Tebow! TEBOW! TEBOW!! TEBOW!!! TEBOW!!! TEBOW!!!
“Virgin Air” struck again last week, as Timmy outdueled Philip Rivers and guided the surging Broncos to an overtime win over the Chargers last Sunday night. Tebow threw for a season-high nine completions in his fifth victory in the past six weeks. Despite all of the critics, media pressure, and the fact that most of the guys reading this have a better arm than the Broncos’ starting QB, the Tebow train continues to churn out victories. All he does is win. Don’t expect it to end anytime soon, since Denver takes on Minnesota this Sunday. Also, kudos to Denver fans for refusing to fold the tent and cheer for a better draft position rather than for victories this season (I’m looking at you, Colt and Viking fans). Cross your fingers, we just might be headed for a Packers-Broncos Super Bowl. Hold on, I need to clean out my pants.

Chode’s All Stars by 15

Mondolockdown (1-11) vs Walking a Fine Line (7-5)

Congratulations Mondlock, you somehow managed to eliminate yourself from playoff contention in a 12 team league, in spite of the fact that 10 teams make the playoffs. Your commitment to futility knows no boundaries. Also, I’m pretty sure you’re not going to read this, so suck my balls. You make playing fantasy football more boring that Tim Tebow’s sex life. Whatever. Free win for Dave.

Walking a Fine Line by 297

Team Beaupre (9-3) vs Rockin Out with my Big Black Lockout (6-6)

The Caleb Hanie Era began in spectacular fashion last Sunday, as Hanie threw three interceptions in a humiliating loss to the Oakland Raiders. I’m sorry Chigaco, but I really don’t think this is your year. Next year isn’t looking good either. Might as well cling to your memories of the ’85 Bears and ’96 Bulls. At least your city was home to the two greatest sports teams of all time, right? Whoops, I almost forgot about the undefeated, soon-to-be world champion 2011 Green Bay Packers. I know this isn’t easy to hear, but somebody has to say it: Aaron Rodgers is a better athlete than Michael Jordan was. You’re damn right, I just went there. And Mike McCarthy is a better coach than Mike Ditka or Phil Jackson. Boom. In summary, Chicago sucks. Have fun in the Little Caesars Bowl, Northwestern.

Team Beaupre by 19

No Names (8-4) vs I Plaxidentally Shot Myself (5-7)

First of all, kudos to Steve Johnson for having the balls to mock Plaxico by pretending to shoot himself in the leg after scoring. But damn it Steve, if you’re going to do something like that early in the game, you can’t drop the winning touchdown pass later on. And for the love of God, don’t try to defend yourself on Twitter by calling it a “miscommunication between a QB and his receiver”. The ball hit your hands. Both of them. Plus, you were wearing those sticky receiver gloves. You should be able to catch literally anything.

No Names by 84

Its on like Ndamukong (5-7) vs You’ve Been Fined (7-5)

God, I am an idiot. All week, I thought your team name was in reference to Ndamukong Suh’s fine and suspension this week. I just realized it’s about Bernie Fine, the Syracuse basketball coach who was fired this week after some of his former ballboys came forward and accused him of sexual assault. Now, I think it’s only fair to give Coach Fine the benefit of the doubt. After all, he may have just been attempting to show the boys some of his fine ball-handling skills after hours. Nice work, Kenne and Dave. I guess Catholic Priest has been replaced by Division 1 Athletic Coach as the new profession in demand for aspiring pedophiles.

You’ve Been Fined by 13

Weekend at Bernie’s (2-10) vs sucsex without honor (4-8)

….and the award for best team name this week goes to Boom. No question. By the way, I have not picked Will to win a game this year. I am not going to pick Will to win a game this year. I AM NOT PICKING WILL TO WIN A GAME THIS YEAR!

Weekend at Bernie’s by 800

A few more thoughts before we wrap it up this week:

Urban Meyer can kiss my firm, white ass. Enjoy moving from Florida to Ohio, idiot.

Erik Walden should be considered innocent until proven guilty, and even if he is proven guilty, the bitch probably had it coming anyways.

14 of the 21 NFL GMs that passed on Aaron Rodgers in the 2005 draft have since been fired.

Is it too early to buy champagne for Super Bowl XLVI? No. No it is not. Maybe Mercury Morris can lend me some.

MONTEE BALL FOR HEISMAN!

-Chode Out.