Happy Thanksgiving, league! Welcome to a very special holiday edition of the Chode Picks, brought to you by The Sports Jury. I hope you’re all enjoying some delicious turkey, ham, mashed potatoes, pumpkin pie and whatever else you can stuff your face with this afternoon. Personally, I decided to celebrate Thanksgiving in the traditional fashion this year by inviting all of my neighbors over for a feast, then killing them, taking their land and forcing their children onto reservations. I’m kidding of course. The truth is, my dear mother went to Arizona for the week, and between my dad, brother and myself, none of us can cook worth a damn. So my Thanksgiving dinner consisted of frozen pizza and a fifth of Fleischmann’s gin. Consider yourselves lucky. At least I have one thing to be thankful for…
That’s right, the record-setting, Lion-killing, undefeated Green Bay Packers! Eleven wins, zero losses. I hope you were all able to watch the curb stomping that the Pack put on Stafford and company today. For weeks, sports analysts had been pointing to this matchup as a likely “trap game” that would ruin Green Bay’s 19-0 season. Please. I’m sorry Detroit, you’re clearly one of the better teams in the NFL, and you have a bright future, but the Packers are in a league of their own. 11 down, 8 to go. If betting on sports wasn’t illegal, I’d probably put a small wager on the Pack to win next week, and then let my winnings ride on them every week until the Super Bowl. If they do run the table, a $10 bet right now would net you approximately $2000 in February. Thank me later.
Anyways, I hope you didn’t tune out the halftime show of the Packers/
Speaking of people who are terrible at their jobs, Troy Aikman and Joe Buck. I don’t think I need to say anything else.
On a completely opposite note, shout out to Justin Verlander for becoming the first pitcher to win a Cy Young and MVP award since Roger Clemens in the 1980s. After carrying the Tigers to the brink of the World Series, he deserves them both. Also, shout out to Ryan Braun for taking the NL MVP award. Having Braun and Rodgers in the same state really isn’t fair to the rest of the country. And I’ve said this before, but I think Braun could play receiver in the NFL if he wanted to. He’d be like a shorter, slower version of Jordy Nelson. Or Wes Welker with better facial hair. By the way, it’s only a matter of time before Jordy takes the title of “best white receiver” from Welker.
Alright. Enough bullshit. Let’s get to the picks:
Chode’s All Stars (7-4) vs Givin it to the Tate (6-5)
Son of a bitch. Fred Jackson, out for the rest of the season with a broken leg. If you’re scoring at home, that’s the fourth star player I’ve lost to a long-term injury this season. First Peyton Manning (yes, drafting him in the 4th round was stupid, but shut up, I’ve got 7 wins), then Andre Johnson and Darren McFadden, and now Jackson, who was arguably the best player in fantasy through the first 12 weeks. Luckily, I was smarter than all of you and picked up DeMarco Murray a few weeks ago. Next man up, and the Chode scoring machine just keeps rolling along. Just like last year’s Packers. Hey speaking of injuries…
Chode’s All Stars by 3.00x10^8
Team Beaupre (8-3) vs From SanDUSKy til DAWN (7-4)
Christmas came early last Sunday when Jay “handle with care” Cutler and Adrian “I’ve never finished a full season healthy” Peterson both suffered possible season-ending injuries. Welcome back, Caleb Hanie. We’ve missed you. Remember when you threw a touchdown pass to B.J. Raji? That was awesome. See if you can hit Woodson next time. I honestly feel a little bit bad for Peterson, since we won’t have to face him again this season and he’s probably tired from carrying the Vikings’ offense all year. Poor Viking fans. Don’t worry, I’m sure some day Christian Ponder will bring a championship to the L.A. Vikings, and then you can all go jump off of a tall building together. Bears fans however, are a different story. You brought this on yourselves. Do you hear me, Michael? You had every chance to defect to the good side, but you turned it down. You brought this on yourself. Also, I swear to God, if Favre comes back to play for the Bears, I’m going to kill everyone. By the way, well done Dave. I’m glad to see that the creativity from the House That Jack Built wasn’t just a flash in the pan.
From SanDUSKy til DAWN by 6.02x10^23
Its on like Ndamukong (4-7) vs ‘Dusky’s Daycare (2-8)
Bahahahaha. You stay classy, Ndamukong. I’m sorry that Evan Diedrich-Smith was making you look like a little girl, but I don’t think that anyone is buying your “I stomped on his arm because I was about to fall over” excuse. Especially since you were apparently trying to give Diedrich-Smith a noogie before you realized that he was wearing a helmet and couldn’t feel it. Hopefully Goodell will let you play again in week 17 when we knock you out of playoff contention. I find Suh’s behavior strange, since he always seemed like a class act when he was playing at Nebraska, but it seems like he’s really let out his dark side since joining the Lions. My esteemed colleague Jon Heimler has an idea about what’s gotten into Suh: steroids. Really doesn’t seem too far-fetched to me, but I also think that living in Detroit could bring out the worst in anyone. Check out the second link below for my personal tribute to the armpit of the Midwest this week.
‘Dusky’s Daycare by 96485.3365
rockoutwithmyblacklockout (5-6) vs I Plaxidentally Shot Myself (5-6)
YEAH!That’srightmuscles,wedon’
rockoutwithmyblacklockout by 6.626x10^-34
Random thought: the girl in the new State Farm commercial is way too hot for her husband. Discount Doublecheck!
Donald Drivehers (10-1) vs sucsex without honor (4-7)
You probably thought I was done writing about Aaron Rodgers for the week. Wrong. Believe it or not, today’s performance against the Lions actually lowered his average QB rating on the season. That’s right, 300 yards, 2 touchdowns and no interceptions is a below-average outing for A-Rod. I know I’ve said this before, but if there’s anything to be thankful for today, it’s the fact that we’re getting to watch the greatest single season a quarterback has ever put together. This man is going to carry the Packers to a 19-0 season despite a mediocre defense and a nonexistent running game. Move over LeBron, you’re no longer the best athlete on the planet. The Rodgers dynasty has begun. We are all witnesses (quick, somebody put that on Twitter and print up some t-shirts).
Donald Drivehers by 22.4
Mondolockdown (1-10) vs No Names (7-4)
Ah, Menomonie. It was good to be back in this country town for a few days. I’m not sure how I survived here 18 years, but we had some good times. It’s about time for me to head back to Madison though, because there’s no way in hell I’m missing the Penn Rape game on Saturday. Athletic director Barry Alvarez has asked the UW students to treat the Penn Rape coaches and players with dignity and respect at the game tomorrow. Uh, yeah. Right. We’ll show them about as much respect as Jerry Sandusky showed for the innocence of youth (Yes, I’m going to keep making Penn State sodomy jokes for the rest of the season. Deal with it.) And we’re going to keep doing the eat shit/fuck you chant, no matter how many times you tell us to stop. Go ahead and boo all you want parents, but our generation has never killed a fan by throwing them over the top of the stadium wall or crushed a person against the railings. Yeah, both of those things really happened in the 80’s and 90’s. But apparently shouting a few obscenities is way, way worse. At least according to the UW athletic department. I’m rambling again, sorry. Anyways, the game against the Nittany Lions is a make-or-break situation for the Badgers. A win will give us the chance to make it back to the Rose Bowl and atone for our two atrocious losses earlier in the season, while a loss will send us tumbling down the rakings towards the Outback Bowl, or worse. Honestly, I think this game will be won (or lost) on the arm of Russell Wilson. As good as Penn Rape’s defensive line and linebackers have been this season, I think they’ll be able to contain Wisconsin’s running game since two of our starting linemen are out. That leaves the burden on Wilson and his receivers to outscore the Nittany Lions. Come on, Russell. After making us believe that we could play for a national title earlier in the year, the least you can do is bring us back to Pasadena.
Shout out to the North Dakota Heathens for claiming a share of their first Great West conference title ever. The Tomahawks will share the title with Cal Poly, meaning that two of the five teams in the Great West conference can call themselves champions for the 2011 season. That’s almost half. Once again, congratulations. CREVICE FOR LIFE!
If you’re a fan of Penn State (or Kobe), you’re a fan of rape.
Did you know Usher is a Packer fan? You do now.
There. I made it through an entire edition without writing about Tebow. Are you happy now, Rettler and Sawle? Don’t get used to it.
- Chode Out.
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