On another happy note, this weekend marks one of the great college holidays that the rest of the world takes for granted: Daylight Savings Time. This Saturday night, all of us will have the pleasure of setting our clocks back for an extra hour of badly needed sleep. Wait, did I say Saturday? Shit, I meant that we’re all going to set our clocks back and take another shot because that means the bars are open for another whole hour! Use your time wisely, gentlemen.
Somebody remind me to drink before I start writing next week. The words flow much more easily.
By the way, this week’s Picks are brought to you by Dr. Pepper 10. The Chode Picks… THEY’RE NOT FOR WOMEN!
Chode’s All Stars (5-3) vs Justin Forsett Down Her Throat (4-4)
Yeah, that’s right. I’m back. Two wins in a row have righted the ship for Chode’s All Stars, and don’t expect the winning streak to come to an end soon. This week, we’ll see more of the same as Elisha Nelson Manning torches the overrated Patriots. The fact that Dan is starting Philip Rivers only makes me more confident. If you didn’t watch the end of the Monday Night Football game this week between the Chargers and the Chiefs, I’ll recap it for you: Philip Rivers has no fucking idea what he’s doing on a football field. It takes a truly moronic player to fumble the ball away with a minute remaining when you have the ball on the other team’s 20-yard line and only need a field goal to win. ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS TAKE THE SNAP AND KNEEL DOWN TWICE, PHILIP! Worst. Play. Ever. The Chargers may be one of the most talented teams in the league, but they always find a way to lose to shitty teams. I can’t wait to see what happens this week when they play another talented team that actually knows what they’re doing.
Chode’s All Stars by 17
TO Goes Deep (4-4) vs A-Rod in Wisconsin’s Pants (4-4)
First, thank you Jared for gift-wrapping that victory for me last week. I think it’s pretty obvious that you knew you couldn’t beat me even with a full lineup, so you wanted to save yourself the embarrassment of looking like you had tried. Second, I want to talk a bit more about the best player in the league, Aaron Rodgers. Right now, Rodgers is better than Favre ever was in his prime, and if you disagree with that statement, you’re either an idiot, or your last name is Favre (and in that case, you’re probably still an idiot). I would even go so far as to say that Matt Flynn might be better than Favre in his prime. Now, before you start screaming and punching your computer screen, hear me out. It’s pretty obvious that Green Bay has the best offense in the league by a wide margin. It’s also obvious that Rodgers is the centerpiece of that offense. But if Rodgers were to get hurt, I honestly think that Flynn could step in and that the offense would still be the NFL’s best. This leads me to believe that Flynn is one of the top 5 quarterbacks in the NFL. If you don’t agree with my logic, fine. Just know that you’re going to feel stupid when Rodgers sits for the last three games of the season and Flynn lights it up to finish the season 16-0. Someday, the Vikings will wish they had traded their first-round pick for Matty Ice instead of drafting Christian Ponder.
TO Goes Deep by 11
Its on like Ndamukong (4-4) vs No Names (4-4)
I’m fully convinced that neither of you care who wins this game. I almost want to skip it entirely, but I’ll be damned if your apathy is going to stifle my brilliance. I’ll fall back on one of my usual topics: Tim Tebow. As you may or may not have seen on Sunday, just a few days after I spent a solid two paragraphs praising him, Tebow made me look like a fool by completely shitting the bed against the Lions. It’s hard to get mad at him because he’s obviously trying his heart out, and he always says all of the right things, but damn it dude, that was embarrassing. Merril Hodge called him “the worst starting quarterback in NFL history”. I wouldn’t go that far (see Leaf, Ryan), but I’m starting to have my doubts about his ability to succeed as an NFL quarterback. I’ll tell you what, Timmy. Why don’t you come play fullback for Green Bay? Everyone will love you here, and the only thing you have to do is keep Aaron Rodgers upright. Plus, you’ll get a shiny new ring at the end of the season. We’ll let you throw the ball a couple of times every game. Hell, you can even take some snaps in the 4th quarter after Aaron and Matt run up the score. Deal? Deal.
No Names by 15
Donald Drivehers (7-1) vs T Overdose (6-2)
Did something happen with Terrell Owens recently that I didn’t hear about? Or is this still in reference to his suicide attempt in 2006? Is that how long it takes before we’re allowed to joke about it? Whoops. Anyways Dave, I apologize for misinterpreting your team name last week. And rest assured, the 27th time will not be the charm for the Chicago Bears, considering that the Packers have the next few Super Bowls pretty much wrapped up already. We’re talking a minimum eight-peat here. Minimum. Nate, I am getting pretty effing sick of you winning every week.
T Overdose by 81
Jay Cutler’s Low Blood Sugar (2-6) vs Team Beaupre (6-2)
Two teams, owned by two Bears fans. And I have to pick one of them to win. This is bullshit. I don’t even have a good Chicago joke for this week. Oh wait, I’ve got three of them: Jay Cutler, Todd Collins and Caleb Hanie. January 2011. Never forget, assholes. Anyways, Will is clearly about to lose his 7th game of the season. Honestly dude, it doesn’t take that much effort to maintain a fantasy team. You play one game a week. You’re lucky Kevin and Brandon suck so hard, otherwise you’d be the first person in this league to finish last two years in a row, ever. Congrats, Mike. You now have 7 wins on the year.
Team Beaupre by 60
Cam Newton – Champion (1-7) vs Mondolockdown (1-7)
HA! Cam Newton has a bye this week. You’re screwed, Kevin. I mean, you were screwed anyways, because you don’t know what the hell you’re doing, but you’re even more screwed this week. Congratulations Mondlock, you’re about to stumble your way into your 2nd victory of the season. Kenne, this is what happens when you have to scramble at the last minute to fill up the league.
Mondolockdown by 3.1415926535897932384626433832
Congratulations to the state of Minnesota for taking the first step towards losing their professional football this week. Yesterday, the Governor of Minnesota announced that plans for the Viking’s new stadium will not be financed by any tax money. Goodbye Minneapolis, hello Los Angeles Vikings. And hello crossover Minnesotans suddenly jumping on the Packer bandwagon. There’s enough room for all of you, just remember that this is our state, and no matter what you do, you can never be like us. In a related story, the Chode rejected his invitation to interview at the Minnesota Medical School this week, mostly because Wisconsin has a better school, but also because fuck that state. Minnesotans are assholes. They don’t even tip their bartenders.
Congratulations to the North Dakota Braves for defeating Northern Colorado 27-25 last week.
Last but not least, congratulations to the Menomonie India- er, Mustangs for beating the hell out of the Marshfield Tigers, 44-14 last Friday. Best of luck (not that they need it) against Tomah tomorrow. Give ‘em hell, James. And remember, there’s nothing like going out onto your opponent’s home field and serving them a nice, big bowl of shut-the-hell-up.
Menomonie by 14
Check out the link below for the latest work from Madison-based Cascia Films. If you thought “Teach Me How to Bucky” was good, you’re going to love it.
-Chode Out.
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