Chode Picks - Week 8

Welcome back, league, and let me be the first to extend to you a very happy Halloweekend. It’s currently 5:02PM on Thursday, and I’m cracking my first beer of what is sure to be a weekend for the ages. I don’t care what anyone else says, this is the most wonderful time of the year. My congratulations go out to those of you who made it to the promised land of Madison, Wisconsin. To everyone else, there’s always next year I guess. Also, 300 Chode Points if you can find me at some point on Friday or Saturday. Also, I don’t blame you if you decide not to go to State Street even if you do make it here, for one reason: the bands suck this year. My freshman year I (vaguely) remember watching O.A.R. play on the main stage in front of the capital building, and every year since then, the bands have gone downhill. Two years ago, Third Eye Blind played and gave us a pretty good show, and last year we took another step in the wrong direction with OK Go. This year, the headliner for Freakfest is (wait, let me look it up) … All Time Low. Who the hell is All Time Low? I appreciate that their band name perfectly describes the music lineup this year, but is it really that hard to get a decently famous band to come play in Madison on Halloween? I’m not going to write about this anymore, because it irritates me.

On a happier note: I want to talk about an all-time great performance that was put on by an NFL quarterback this past week. Every now and then, we see an athlete that transcends physical limitations and makes the impossible look routine. These are the players that make you believe that your team is going to win no matter what the score is. They may only come around once in a generation, but when they do you had better stop what you’re doing and watch. I hope you were lucky enough to witness such a player this past Sunday, in perhaps the finest display of quarterbacking I have ever seen in my life. Of course, I’m talking about Tim Tebow. If you didn’t get to watch Father Tim lead his historic comeback against the Dolphins last week, don’t despair, because he’ll probably do the same against the Lions this weekend. By the way, I think it’s reasonable to assume that Tebow’s success in the NFL despite his horrendous throwing motion is proof of the existence of the Christian God. Also, Aaron Rodgers played pretty well.

On the complete opposite of the spectrum, we have Carson Palmer. Congratulations Mr. Palmer, last Sunday you joined three other quarterbacks in this season’s exclusive 39.6 Club. As you may know, if a quarterback drops back and fires every pass straight into the ground, he gets a QB rating of 39.6. Palmer’s rating against Kansas City was a pitiful 17.3. I’m sure the Raiders won’t ever regret trading a first and second round pick for this guy. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. This never would have happened if Al Davis was still alive. Next topic.

Fuck Michigan State. I’m not going to recap the game from last Saturday, because it would rip my soul apart, but I think it’s safe to say that the Badgers outplayed the Spartans, but still lost due to multiple unforced errors. That game should not have come down to the last play. During my time as a student here, this loss ranks as a close second to last year’s Rose Bowl on a scale of devastating losses. This must be what it feels like to be a Vikings fan. Anyways, our national title aspirations may be gone, but Wisconsin still controls its own destiny in the Big Ten title race. If we win the rest of our regular season games (which we should), we’ll end up in the first ever Big Ten Championship Game. Hopefully it will be a rematch with those fucking Spartans. A second consecutive Rose Bowl is still a very real possibility.

Team Beaupre (5-2) vs Cam Newton - Champion (1-6)

Colts. We’re going to talk about the Colts in this space today. You may have noticed that there are more than a few teams openly tanking the season in order to have a chance to draft Andrew Luck in April. The race heated up this past week when the winless Dolphins found themselves with a 15-point lead late in the fourth quarter against Denver. Miami quickly and judiciously surrendered to Tebow’s Broncos and managed to lose in overtime to remain tied for last place. St. Louis however, made no such pretense of trying to win a football game against the Dallas Cowboys, and made DeMarco Murray look like Tecmo Bowl Bo Jackson in the process. Not to be outdone, the Colts went out and lost by 55 points to the New Orleans Saints, in what looked like a blatant attempt to get their coach fired on the spot. Touche, Indianapolis. You may soon find yourself with two great quarterbacks on your roster. In a related story, the Saints scored 62 points on Sunday night. Their next opponent, the St Louis Rams, have scored 56 points all season.

Team Beaupre by 55

27th Time is the Charm (5-2) vs Jay Cutler’s Low Blood Sugar (2-5)

27th time is the charm… I don’t get it. Is that how long it’s been since the Brewers have been to the World Series? If so, not cool Dave. Too soon. I’m still picking you to win though, for one reason: Chris Johnson sucks. I absolutely HATE it when players get a lucrative contract extension and decide to take the year off after. Not to mention the fact that Johnson has murdered thousands of fantasy teams this year. Grow a pair and act like a professional, Chris. You’re being outplayed by Matt Hasselbeck. Think about that for a while.

27th Time is the Charm by 28

No Names (4-3) vs Donald Drivehers (6-1)

Nate, nobody gives a damn how many points you’ve scored this season. Ask the 2007 Patriots how that worked out for them. Just be grateful that six people (probably seven after this week) have been nice enough to lose to you. You can’t take them with you into the playoffs. Speaking of the 2007 Patriots, it’s time to address the elephant in the room: the Packers are going undefeated this year. We all know it. They’ve only been seriously challenged once all season, and I don’t think anybody is coming close to them over the next 10 weeks. Keep that champagne on ice, ’72 Dolphins, because you’re going to want to drink your misery away after the Green Bay Packers complete their 19-0 season with a victory in Super Bowl XLVI.

Donald Drivehers by 11

Justin Forsett Down Her Throat (3-4) vs Its on like Ndamukong (4-3)

First, let’s make one thing perfectly clear: Ndamukong Suh is a prick. Even my friends from Michigan agree with me. You don’t need to taunt an injured player. Barry Sanders wouldn’t have done it, and neither should you. You know who else is a prick? Skip Bayless. One of my readers this week (I won’t reveal who, but his name rhymes with “Derrick Billups”) told me that my style of writing and debating reminds him of ESPN’s Bayless. That is complete and absolute bullshit. Skip couldn’t touch me with a ten foot pole. And to prove it, I’m going to challenge Skip Bayless to debate me on national television. Sometime over the next couple of weeks, I will write a letter to Bayless challenging him to friendly sportswriter debate either here in Madison, or in Bristol, Connecticut. This should be an easy victory for me, given that Skip holds two particularly ridiculous beliefs. First, that Tom Brady is better than Aaron Rodgers. Please. Second, that the Miami Heat aren’t the best team in the NBA. Preposterous. Last fall, you may remember that I took down Colin Cowherd in a similar duel. At this rate, by 2015 I will have beaten all of ESPN’s so-called “experts” and will takeover the company and rename it the Chode Sports Network.

Justin Forsett Down Her Throat by 31

Mondolockdown (1-6) vs Stephanie Sucks for Luck (3-4)

Well done, Kenne. I’m not sure if you’re trying to one-up me for the title of “biggest asshole in the league”, but make no mistake, I’m not going down without a fight. So I propose that you rename your team “Dawn sucks every guy at UW-Whitewater… for free!” Also, I’m not picking you to win this week, you bastard. I’ll pretend it’s because you’re starting Ponder at quarterback. You know, I kind of like him. He’s just good enough to keep the Vikings from losing enough games to draft a great quarterback, but not good enough to seriously challenge the Packers for the NFC North title.

Mondolockdown by 7

Chode’s All Stars (4-3) vs A-Rod in Wisconsin’s Pants (4-3)

You probably laughed when I claimed that Tebow would lead me to victory last week. Well, the joke’s on you dickheads, because he led my team in scoring. Great call by me. Probably the best idea I’ve had since that one time I ran out of bread and decided to make a grilled cheese with frozen waffles instead. Also, shout out to Mike McCarthy for breaking the Green Bay Packer record for consecutive victories with 13 in a row. Vince who? Also, you’re all idiots for not picking up DeMarco Murray.

Chode’s All Stars by 400

Shout out to the Wisconsin Men’s Hockey team for sweeping the North Dakota Mohawks last weekend.

Lastly, congratulations to the Chode. This past Tuesday I got a letter from the University of Wisconsin informing me that I’ve been accepted into the M.D. Program’s Class of 2016. I had a bottle of champagne sitting on ice for the occasion, and it was the sweetest drink that has ever crossed my lips. I think this is as good of a time as any to point out that I’ve been drunk every weekend for the past three years, snuck into Camp Randall multiple times, got an underage ticket, got busted trying to sneak booze into a football game, got caught having “consensual adult relations” on top of Bascom Hall, and I GOT INTO MEDICAL SCHOOL!! The lesson to be learned: Don’t EVER let anybody tell you that you can’t do something. Forgive me for this shameless bit of self-promotion. I hope to God my parents don’t read this.