Chode Picks - Week 7

Hello again, brothers, and welcome to week 7 of the glorious sixth season of the Chode Picks, sponsored by The League on FX. It’s a great day in the life of the Chode, for more than a few reasons. First, I don’t have to go to work today, but I’m still getting paid. You see, I was supposed to interview at Perelman School of Medicine in Philadelphia today, so I used some of my vacation time to make room for it, since I usually work on Fridays. Sometime in the last two weeks, however, I came to a startling conclusion: I do not want to live in Philadelphia. Also, now I can put the $300 that flight would have cost me towards a trip to New Orleans to watch the Badgers play Boise State in the BCS Championship game. You heard it here first. That, combined with the Packer’s continued dominance over the rest of the NFL has put me in a fantastic mood today. Also, I saw a midget riding a motorized scooter this morning, so that was pretty awesome. In fact, if it weren’t for the fucking St. Louis Cardinals, it would have been a perfect week. Anyways, we’ve got a lot of topics to cover this week so lets get started.

First, AJ Hawk. More specifically, AJ Hawk’s middle finger. I hope you got a chance to see Hawk flip the bird to the Rams’ sideline after sacking Sam Bradford last Sunday. After a fine of ten thousand dollars from the No Fun League, it may prove to be the most expensive middle finger in world history. If you ask me, it was ten thousand dollars well spent by Mr. Hawk. I hope it catches on, sort of like the “beast mode” sign did with the Brewers. 

In another story about an awesome Packer, Morgan Burnett. More specifically, Morgan Burnett’s hand. If you thought I jinxed him a few weeks ago with my high praise, think again. This man literally plays better with one hand than most pro safeties do with two. What kills me is that I can only imagine how good Green Bay’s secondary would be with both Nick Collins and Burnett healthy at the same time. Normally this is where I would tell you that Burnett is a lock to make the Pro Bowl, but you already know that the Pack is going to be busy preparing for Buffalo in Super Bowl XLVI instead.

Next up, the Honey Badger. No, not Russell. Or Montee. Or James. Of course, I’m talking about Tyrann Mathieu, one of three LSU players suspended for the Auburn game tomorrow. Mathieu and the others were suspended for failing a mandatory drug test, which surprises me, because I know a couple of Wisconsin players that are on drugs literally all the damn time and have never failed a test. The Chode predicts that all three suspended LSU players will somehow find a way back onto the field for their showdown with Alabama next week.

Lastly, before we get to the Picks, I need to address a more serious issue. Next weekend is Halloween. If you’ve never been to Madison for Halloween, you haven’t truly lived yet. So I’m telling you this now: all of you bastards need to get here next weekend. I don’t care how. You won’t regret it, I promise. I gave you a week’s heads up. No excuses. Especially you, Sawle. 

Chode’s All Stars (3-3) vs Mondolockdown (1-5)

Tim Tebow, starting fantasy quarterback. Yeah that’s right. Get used to it. And get used to watching Touchdown Timmy lead Chode’s All Stars to victory. Not so much the Broncos though. They’ll probably take one over the Dolphins this week, but it’s gonna be tough sledding for Denver this season. Chode’s All Stars, on the other hand, are gonna roll through the rest of the fantasy season. I dropped a few games early to give the rest of you a false sense of security, and because it looks cooler when you come from behind to win a championship. 

Chode’s All Stars by 90

Antonio Cromartie Is My Dad (3-3) vs Team Beaupre (4-2)

Nice work, Kenne. In the immortal words of Thad Castle: “Can you imagine how rich Antonio Cromartie would be if he had a vasectomy?” Hey, gotta spread your seed though, right fellas? Also, screw you, Mike. Enjoy your victory now. By the way, I spent last weekend in Chicago, and I came back more firmly convinced than ever that Chicago sports fans are assholes. Congratulations, you beat the Vikings. Big fucking deal. Act like you’ve been there before. Your inferiority complex is showing. Also, LeBron >>> Rose. Deal with it.

Antonio Cromartie Is My Dad by 11

Its on like Ndamukong (4-2) vs A-Rod in Wisconsin’s pants (3-3)

Really, Eric? 4 players? Even for you, it’s a little early to start throwing away your season. Also Jared, Janikowski isn’t playing this week. Switch him out, I want you to pound the hell out of Its on like Ndamukong this week. Also, I just watched a full episode of How I Met Your Mother. Being completely honest, it’s not that bad. Maybe I was a bit too harsh on them earlier in the season. Or maybe I’m just talking myself into it because I’m going to be Barney Stinson for Halloween. Either way, SUIT UP!

A-Rod in Wisconsin’s pants by 57.95

Donald Drivehers (5-1) vs Justin Forsett Down Her Throat (3-3)

Good lord, Drew Brees is going to murder Indianapolis this week. Unfortunately, that means Nate is probably going to win again, so I’m not going to write any more about this matchup. Instead, I’ll focus on Oakland’s idiotic trade for Carson Palmer to supplant Kyle “I should’ve been a” Boller. If you haven’t heard yet, the Raiders gave up at least a future first and second round pick for an aging, mediocre quarterback who hasn’t played organized football in 7 months. That’s monumentally stupid. Almost as stupid as driving around at night and vandalizing your rival high schools, causing thousands of dollars in damages, and letting one guy take the fall for it. Just kidding. Welcome to the family, Jake. You too Kevin. I’m glad my readership is finally growing a little after I’ve been writing this bullshit every fall for six damn years. It’s about time.

Donald Drivehers by 80

Jay Cutler’s Low Blood Sugar (1-5) vs No Names (4-2)

Ah, damn it. Despite his best efforts, Will is probably going to win his second game of the year. Come on, Levi. All you have to do is make an effort. Please. After last week, I can’t stand to watch Bears fans win at anything. By the way, how do you have a better record than me? This is bullshit. Oh, I almost forgot. Best of luck to the North Dakota Squaws in their game against Cal Poly this afternoon. By the way, I’m taking a Native American literature class this fall to fulfill my ethnic studies requirement, and I can’t tell you how much joy it brings me to make up a new offensive name for UND every week.

No Names by .000000000000001

Cam Newton – Champion (0-6) vs Bears Urlaching an O-Line (5-1)

False and true, respectively. Newton isn’t quite there yet, but Chicago is definitely hurting in the pass protection department, which fills me with glee every Sunday when I get to watch Jay Cutler get pounded into the ground. Regardless, I’d like to extend my deepest congratulations to Kevin for maintaining the only winless record in the league. In this day and age, that’s hard to do. Best of luck on finishing 0-14. May the Force be with you. And if you’re honestly trying to win every week, then I’m sorry. You must have done something awful in a past life.

Bears Urlaching an O-Line by 5

Good find on the Bad QB League, Kenne. Remember when that guy lost the Bears a Super Bowl? Good times.

Congrats to the Menomonie Mustangs (ugh), who defeated New Richmond in their WIAA level one playoff game tonight. Should be a pretty good game next week against Marshfield. Give ‘em hell, James.

-Chode Out.