Chode Picks - Week 5

You didn’t believe me, did you? Don’t blame yourself, nobody did. Last week, when I boldly claimed that the Wisconsin Badgers could win the national championship, and that the Brewers would play the Tigers in the World Series, I knew there would be doubters. I knew that a lot of you wouldn’t be able to wrap your head around the idea that the Badgers might be the best team in the country, and I knew that nobody thought Detroit could take down the mighty Yankees. But like any other visionary, I could see beyond the cynics and into the glorious future. I could see Russell Wilson (for Heisman) and Montee Ball shredding the Husker defense to vault themselves into the top five. I could see Fister and Verlander (The best baseball player in the world, hands down. If you disagree, you’re wrong.) shutting down the vaunted New York offense to put the Tigers into the ALCS. Best of all, I could see Nyjer Morgan hitting the Brewers past the Diamondbacks and F-bombing the entire country on national television. Awesome. The lesson from last week: never doubt NostraChodeus. Ever.

On a side note, I’d like to apologize for the lateness of this week’s Chode Picks. You see, my Macbook crashed on Wednesday night when Steve Jobs died, and it took me a few days to recover my supply of immature humor, which the Picks are useless without. I know I usually get the Picks out long before Sunday night, but sometimes life gets in the way. Got a problem with it? Well then, fuck you.

Speaking of famous dead people, Al Davis. Just win, baby! I have to admit, watching the NFL draft next April is going to be a lot less entertaining knowing that Davis doesn’t have seven picks to murder his team’s future with. Sad.

Anyways, I think last week’s Wisconsin-Nebraska game deserves a little more analysis, so here goes: Welcome to the Big Ten assholes! Despite losing my voice sometime during the 2nd quarter, I still managed to harass more than my fair share of Husker fans with that line before, during and after the nationally televised beating that the Badgers gave to Bo Pelini’s crew. To be fair though, I must admit that I was impressed with the number of Nebraskans that made the trip to Madison for the game. I was also impressed with Taylor Martinez, Nebraska’s starting quarterback. Martinez proved his versatility by throwing to all sorts of targets on the field, including receivers, running backs, linebackers, cornerbacks, and even safeties. I can’t really blame the Husker defense too much for letting up 48 points, since playing against Russell Wilson is like playing against Michael Vick in ‘Madden 2003’.

By the way, the Picks are brought to you this week from exotic Iowa City, Iowa. In spite of my disdain for the Hawkeyes, I have to admit that it’s a pretty nice town. It reminds me of a smaller, shittier version of Madison. And it’s pretty cool how dedicated the city is to their college sports teams. Even though Iowa sucks this year, most of the local businesses are still decked out in yellow in black, and the main streets of the city are lined with banners celebrating Iowa football All-Americans from the past (all three of them). Also, the med school was pretty nice, and I think they liked me. Not a bad trip. Lastly, congratulations to the Iowa volleyball team for improving to 1-4 in the Big Ten this season.

Alright, better get to the picks before they’re completely over with:

Chode’s All Stars (2-2) vs Jay Cutler’s Low Blood Sugar (1-3)

First and foremost: I don’t believe in diabetes. Or Attention Deficit Disorder. Or Santa Claus. Or Tony Romo. Ok, maybe I believe in diabetes a little, but Cutler’s supporters (all three of them) milk the living hell out of it. If you’re a pro athlete, you don’t get to use diabetes as an excuse for poor performance any more than I get to use alcoholism as an excuse for not showing up to class. Deal with it. The second point I want to make here is short and sweet: Fuck you, Anquan Boldin. Going into last week’s Sunday night matchup, I needed Boldin to gain a mere 41 yards in order to hand Eric his first lost of the year. It’s worth noting that Anquan hadn’t been held to less than 45 yards yet all season. So I felt pretty damn good about my chances of improving to 3-1. Until Mr. Boldin decided to shit the bed and catch one freaking pass for 27 yards all game. Game, set match, and Chode drops to .500, all thanks to you asshole. It’s been a full week and I’m still mad about it. Regardless, a matchup with Jay Cutler’s Low Blood Sugar is just what the doctor ordered to get my team back on track.

Chode’s All Stars by 81

No Names (3-1) vs Dick Butkus My Ass (3-1)

Great name, even better picture. Well done, Dave. Levi, I’m pretty sure you could have taken this one if you hadn’t started two guys with bye weeks. Someone want to explain to me how I finished 9th out of ten teams in this league last year? In the immortal words of Mike McCarthy: “That’s goddamn bullshit”. Fifty Chode points if you caught that watching the Packers on NBC tonight. Also, kudos to Sam Shields for shutting down the overrated Julio Jones on national TV. And kudos to Aaron Rodgers for being Aaron Rodgers. And most of all, kudos to the mass of Packer fans that made the trip to Atlanta. Get out of our dome, Falcons.

Dick Butkus My Ass by 37

Justin Forsett Down Her Throat (2-2) vs Team Beaupre (3-1)

Still my favorite name in fantasy football, Dan. Unfortunately, now you’re in the unpleasant position of watching tomorrow night’s game praying for Matt Forte to pull a hamstring before he scores 12 points. It’s a testament to how good Mike’s team is that he’s still probably going to win after Josh Freeman played the worst game of his brief career today. And Dan, sooner or later you’re going to need another RB. How about LeGarrette Blount? I’ll give you a real good deal. And you really don’t need Rivers anyways. You can trust in the Dirty Sanchez. Believe me. I’ll even pick you to win, only if it’s because I want to type….

Justin Forsett Down Team Beaupre’s Throat by 8==========>

A-Rod in Wisconsin’s Pants (2-2) vs Mondolockdown (0-4)

Nice, Jared. No, I’m not talking about your team name, I meant your decision to go with Kevin Kolb as your starter. How’s that working out for you? The Chode would like to extend his gratitude to Mr. Kolb for giving the Vikings their first win of the season. Seriously. We need the Vikings to win at least 4 games this year to put them safely out of the Andrew Luck Sweepstakes. As much as I’d love to see Minnesota finish with the worst record in the league, we can’t afford to let them draft the next Aaron Rodgers. And considering how awful the Vikings are, we might need a few more gifts like the Cardinals gave them today. Also Brandon, your team sucks something awful. You’re threatening to become the first overdefeated team in league history. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

A-Rod in Wisconsin’s Pants by 120

Somewhere over Dwayne Bowe (0-4) vs Current Black Presidents (2-2)

Good Lord, IS THERE ANYBODY TRYING TO WIN IN THIS LEAGUE? Don’t answer that. By the way Kenne, I’ve been looking at your picture for a while and I can’t figure out what the hell is going on. Is that a cheerleader getting plowed over by a football player or just some sorostitute waiting to get plowed by a football player? Either way, she is neither black, nor a current president. But I’m glad I’m not the only one that still watches SNL Celebrity Jeopardy skits. I’ll take “The Rapists” for 800, Trebek.

Current Black Presidents by $TEXAS

Donald Drivehers (3-1) vs Its on like Ndamukong (4-0)

Up yours, Eric.

Donald Drivehers by ninety billion

Shout out to the North Dakota Injuns for destroying Montana Western 42-9 to improve to 4-2 on the season. I really, really wish that UND was playing Minnesota this season. I honestly think that the Sioux would be favored. And that’s not even a big compliment to North Dakota. The Gophers are just that terrible.

BUCK FUTTER!!

-Chode Out.