Chode Picks - Week 4

Live from Madison, Wisconsin, welcome to the 4th edition in the momentous 6th season of Chode Picks, brought to you by FX. It hasn’t really been a full week since the last Picks came our, but its Thursday and I’m going to have my hands full this weekend, so here goes.

This past week was another glorious one for the state of Wisconsin, for more than a few reasons. First and foremost, the Green Bay Packers, the greatest football team on planet Earth, put on a show in curb-stomping the Chicago Bears 27-17. If you watched the game, the score doesn’t really indicate how thoroughly the Pack dominated that game. Despite forcing three turnovers in the 4th quarter, Chicago never seriously threatened the Packers’ lead. And as predicted here, Jay Cutler found a way to deliver the ball to Green Bay’s secondary more than once. Speaking of which….

Morgan Burnett. Morgan effing Burnett. I can’t say enough about this guy. For as long as I can remember, the Packers have always had at least one badass with dreadlocks patrolling the secondary. After the departure of Al Harris last year, that torch was passed to Burnett, and he’s doing one hell of a job with it. NFC North, meet Morgan Burnett. He’s going to be around for a while. With the Bears falling apart, the NFC North has quickly turned into a two-team race between the Packers and the Detroit Lions, who came back from a 20-0 deficit to drop the Vikings to 0-3.

Speaking of Minnesota, I would like to extend my congratulations to the Minnesota Twins for holding off the Houston Astros for the worst record in baseball. Also, I want to recognize the Golden Gophers for their loss to North Dakota State last Saturday, which dropped “The U” to 1-3 on the season, with their lone victory coming over winless Miami of Ohio. (By the way, it bothers the hell out of me that Minnesotans refer to their school as “The U”. “The U” is in Miami, Florida. Not Minneapolis. The only thing “U” stands for in Minnesota is Underachievement. Or Ugly.) Added to the enormous collapse by the Vikings last week, it was a week that embodied everything that is wrong with our neighbors to the west. Overall, sending someone to the University of Minnesota is like preparing them for failure and disappointment throughout their lives. Or maybe I’m just bitter because they’re one of the few schools that hasn’t offered me an interview yet. Seriously Minnesota, what the hell? I applied to your school out of pity. Anything you can do, Wisconsin can do better.

As long as I’m on the topic of awful things, I want to talk about the TV show How I Met Your Mother. This show is terrible. Now I know that a few of you are probably fuming right now, but bear with me. The plot is unimaginative and predictable, Jason Segel is a mediocre actor at best, and the whole thing just seems like a shittier version of Friends (And I HATE Friends). The only thing that makes the show even remotely watchable is Neil Patrick Harris. In short, How I Met Your Mother is the TV version of the Indianapolis Colts: if you take away one person, it’s the worst fucking show on TV. And to complete the analogy, Jason Segel is Reggie Wayne (needs a better player to carry him).

Here is a list of other things that people think are good but secretly suck:

The Dallas Cowboys
Notre Dame
Avatar
Donovan McNabb (no longer a secret I guess)
Grantland
Jay Cutler
Socialism
Los Angeles
Brian Urlacher
Tony Romo
Reggie Bush
Julio Jones
Barack Obama
Shaquille O’Neal
Tim Duncan
Kevin Garnett
Dirk Nowitzki (just kidding)
Matt Forte

By the way, we’re only two days away from Farmageddon, the battle between Wisconsin and Nebraska to determine who’s top dog in the Big Ten this season (hint: it’s not the Huskers). A lot of pundits at ESPN are claiming that the Badgers are at a disadvantage because we haven’t been tested yet. Well, I’m sorry ESPN, but the truth is we’re just that much better than everyone we play. And don’t tell me that Nebraska went out and challenged themselves by playing Chattanooga, Fresno State, Washington and Wyoming. Give me a break. Most of the traditional Big Ten powers might be having a down year, but there’s still one team that’s capable of beating anyone in the country, and the Huskers are going to be coming into our house with a young quarterback, facing possibly the most intimidating atmosphere in all of college sports: a Camp Randall night game. Wisconsin by 14.

Oh, I almost forgot. The Packers are one of three unbeaten teams in the NFL, along with the Bills and Lions. And since I keep forgetting to write my predictions for the year, now is as good of a time as any. Here goes:

The Green Bay Packers will defeat the Buffalo Bills in Super Bowl XLVI

The Wisconsin Badgers will defeat the Boise State Broncos in the BCS National Championship Game

The Milwaukee Brewers will defeat the Detroit Tigers in the World Series

If there is an NBA season, the Miami Heat will defeat the Oklahoma City Thunder in the Finals

I don’t know if you noticed, but I just picked ALL of my favorite teams to win championships this year. You know what’s even crazier? ALL OF THEM COULD ACTUALLY HAPPEN! It’s going to be one hell of a year. By the way, I’m sure a few of you laughed at me last year when I predicted that the Packers would win the Super Bowl and the Badgers would go to a BCS game. Well, now you can call me NostraChodeus. Place your bets now while the odds are still good.

Somewhere over Dwayne Bowe (0-3) vs Donald Drivehers (2-1)

One of these guys clearly does not give a shit about his fantasy team. Either that or he’s trying to become the first ever team to go winless in this league. Also, how the hell did Jermichael Finley slip all the way to the 3rd round in 2008? What exactly does Ted Thompson know about these kind of guys that nobody else can pick up on? Seriously, Aaron Rodgers, Clay Matthews, Finley, Burnett, Nick Collins, Greg Jennings, Randall Cobb, Sam Shields….. the list goes on and on. All of these guys were ignored on draft day until Thompson took them and turned them into stars. In the NFL, you build a contender through the draft, and nobody does it better than our GM. In Thompson we trust.

Donald Drivehers by 33

Tampa Bay FuckInRears (1-2) vs It’s A Hard Knox Life (1-2)

You really stretched for that one, Kenne. But I appreciate the effort. That seems like a name that you would come up with on your own, so I commend you for it. Also Will, the Bears still suck. I guess it’s okay for you to cheer for the Brewers as long as you recognize that you’re still a second-class citizen in Wisconsin due to your problematic football loyalties. And for the love of God, put Ben Roethlisberger in instead of Rex Grossman. Act like you’re trying. One last thing: congratulations to the UW-Oshkosh football team for their 56-10 victory over UW-Stout last week. I think the phrase “When in doubt, go to Stout” has destroyed more promising careers than cocaine and methamphetamine combined.

Tampa Bay FuckInRears by 9

Team Beaupre (1-2) vs Mondolockdown (0-3)

Yeah that’s right, Mike. Your teams are both 1-2. Mine are 3-0 and 2-1. For the first time in what seems like forever, you have NOTHING to be proud about football-wise. Get used to it. Hold on, I forgot to add Matt Forte to the list of overrated things. Ok, fixed. Your fantasy team is crippled by the misfortune of having both Arian Foster and too many Bears. If you had picked a different team, say the Packers, Saints or Lions, you would have been fine. Unfortunately, I have to pick you to win because I’m growing more and more convinced that Mondlock doesn’t actually know that he’s running a fantasy team.

Team Beaupre by 2

No Names (2-1) vs The Godfavre (2-1)

Jesse Holley, eh? The guy that beat out Luke Swan on Fourth and Long? Glad to see he made it in the NFL. I still think a healthy Swan could have been a poor man’s Jordy Nelson. As long as I’m on the subject of former Badgers, John Clay is an idiot. Leaving early after last year was the absolute worst thing he could have done for his chances in the NFL. Remember, he spent the second half of the season mostly on the bench with an ankle injury. True, he would have had to share time with Montee Ball and James White, but I don’t see any shame in that. Wisconsin always has more than one stud running back (Melvin Gordon and Jeff Lewis are next). All I’m saying is that it would have been really nice to have Clay as a sledgehammer in the Big Ten rather than sitting on his ass as an undrafted NFL free agent. Also, congratulations to the North Dakota Indigenous People of the Red River Basin for defeating Black Hills State 53-19 last week. This week, the Half-Breeds travel to Southern Utah to take on the Thunderbirds.

No Names by 10

Corn on the Cobb (2-1) vs Justin Forsett Down Her Throat (2-1)

THAT’S what I’m talking about, Dan. Just the right amount of immaturity and insensitivity combined with an obscure player name. Fantastic. Also, you should trade me Philip Rivers. I’ll make you a good offer. And you will accept it. Seriously, you need another running back. So do you, Dave, but I doubt you’ll let go of Vick easily. But you need to drop McNabb ASAP. Don’t give him the dignity of being on a fantasy team. That makes it seem like he has value as a starting quarterback. I’m picking Dan just because I want to type his team name again.

Justin Forsett Down Her Throat by 69 (see what I did there?)

Chode’s All Stars (2-1) vs Its on like Ndamukong (3-0)

Surprisingly, Eric has the last undefeated team in the league. It’ll be my pleasure to bring you back down to our level. Take a look at my roster. Seriously, all of you, stop whatever you’re doing and go look at it. It’s a thing of beauty. Did you know that I have THREE of the top 10 ranked running backs and FOUR of the top 35 wide receivers in fantasy football? I literally don’t have enough space in my lineup for all of my stars. My only weakness is quarterback, and after last week I’m not so sure you can call Eli Manning a weak spot anymore. I’m sure you’ve enjoyed your undefeated run, Eric, but this week I’m going to cover you in shit like a ton of pigeons.

Chode’s All Stars by 301

And that’s the last of the picks for this week. As always, it’s been a pleasure.

On Tuesday, the Victorious Hymen lost their first game of the season, 26-0. To be fair, we were playing without our usual quarterback and the team that beat us was the defending champion from last year. I actually thought we played pretty well, except for a few areas, like blocking, route running, passing, catching, coverage, red zone offense, red zone defense and flag-pulling. But we rushed the passer pretty well, so we’ll take that for now I guess. Nowhere to go but up.

If you get a chance tonight, tune in to FX at 9:30 for Archer. You won’t be disappointed.

-Chode Out.