Chode Picks - Week 3

Welcome back, dear readers, to the 3rd edition in the 6th season of the wildy popular Chode Picks. This week the Picks are brought to you from the beautiful city of Houston, three time winner of the US News “Fattest City in America” award. It’s true, everything is bigger in Texas. Also, it’s hotter than hell and a mild odor of sewage permeates the entire city. Kinda reminds me of Mexico, actually. On the positive side, they tell me that the coldest it gets in January is the lower 50’s. Not bad. I interviewed at Baylor yesterday and got a chance to tour the Texas Medical Center, which they say is the largest collection of hospitals in the world. After walking through it for an hour, I believe it, because it’s the largest collection of anything I’ve ever seen. To put it in perspective, I’d say it’s roughly the same size as South Menomonie. Anyways, I think my interview went well, minus the following exchange I had with one of the professors:

Professor: So I see it says on your academic record that you were kicked out of chemistry class once for sharing test answers. Do you mind explaining that to me?
Chode: I put the team on my back, do
Professor: Excuse me?
Chode: You gotta put the team on your back
Professor: I think this interview is over
Chode: Professor Norton, HOLD MY DIIIIIIIIICK!

But enough about me. Time for some football news.

As you know the Wisconsin Badgers have rolled through their nonconference season to an undefeated 4-0 record, dominating Northern Illinois and South Dakota this past week. (Editor’s Note: I wrote this at 2:52 Saturday afternoon on a bus with no internet access. I have no idea what the score of the Wisconsin-South Dakota game is, so I’m just going to assume we’re up by at least 70). Next Saturday, however, undefeated Nebraska comes to town in an early preview of the first ever Big Ten Championship Game. If you’re going to go to a Badger game this year, pick this one. Both teams are in the top 10, College GameDay will be on campus (or else, Corso), and it’s a night game. If you’re counting, that’s a level of awesomeness so extreme it can only be expressed through scientific notation. Something like: Awesome.BadgersX10^Winning. I’m literally pissing my pants with excitement. Also, E=mcRussellWilsonforHeisman.

Ugh. The bus just drove through Marquette. Huge buzzkill.

In more college football news, the Michigan Wolverines beat the hell out of Directional Michigan last week, successfully vaulting quarterback Denard Robinson into serious Heisman discussion. Although, it’s worth noting that last season at this time, Michigan quarterback Denard Robinson was the favorite to win the Heisman. As you may recall, he did not win the Heisman. Go Big Blew.

Congratulations to the Milwaukee Brewers for clinching their first division title since 1984. I can’t really claim ownership because I don’t actually watch regular season baseball games, but like I said before, it’s a good year to be a Wisconsin sports fan. The playoffs should be fun. Time to start building up a healthy hatred for the city of Philadelphia.

By the way, there is NOTHING more annoying than someone who reads over your shoulder when you’re typing something on public transportation. Yes, I’m talking about you, guy in the blue striped shirt with glasses. I can see you. You’re still reading. Stop it. Seriously. I’ve got a knife. Okay, I see you’ve taken the hint. Enjoy the rest of your ride. It’s time for the Picks.

Chode’s All Stars (1-1) vs Somewhere over Dwayne Bowe (0-2)

That’s right. Back on track. Who knew Fred Jackson would be one of the top ten running backs in the NFL this year? This guy. Meanwhile, it looks like Kevin (whoever you are) has given up on the season already, leaving a wide receiver slot open for tomorrow. Or maybe he’s just being an asshole and thinks that he can win with one less player. Either way, he’s going down harder than Lavoyda Urlacher. Yeah, I went there. It’s Packer-Bear week, what did you expect? Don’t judge me.

Chode’s All Stars by 41

Drankin Fortes (2-0) vs Corn on the Cobb (1-1)

Not bad, Jared. Also, I have a few words for Randall Cobb.
Dear Mr. Cobb, I know you’re not going to read this, ever, but if I’m going to use a full paragraph telling everyone how awesome you are and that you were the steal of the 2011 draft, please don’t make me look like a moron by fumbling a kickoff away to the fucking Panthers the week after. It can’t be that hard. You catch a ball and run from point A to point B. Get your shit together. Make me proud this week. Sincerely,
Chode.
In other news, Michael Vick suffered a concussion last week that might result in him missing games down the road. I don’t know how anyone could have possibly seen that coming. Keep yourself warm, Vince Young. On a sadder note, Nick Collins is out for the year with a neck injury. It’s a shame, since he’s one of the best safeties in the NFL, but the Packers always find a way to compensate for injuries. I’m not worried. Jay Cutler will find a way to throw interceptions no matter who we put on the field.

Drankin Fortes by 10

Mondolockdown (0-2) vs Smelly Twats (1-1)

Reason number 1,458 not to draft a kicker in the 9th round: because when they get hurt and go on IR for the rest of the season, you look like a fool. I’m looking at you, Brandon. You lose this week, for that reason alone. Also, I just checked the final score of the Badger game: 59-10. Bielema >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Meierkort. In a related story, the North Dakota Savages dropped a close game to Fresno State last weekend, 22-27. The Tribe should get back on track this weekend after they crush Black Hills State like Tony Romo’s ribcage.

Smelly Twats by 5

Team Beaupre (1-1) vs No Names (1-1)

Great call on Arian Foster, Mike. Another injury that I’m sure NOBODY could have seen coming. On the other hand, Levi, you should probably start Ben Tate. Or trade him to me. I’ll give you a real good deal. Also, Michael, are you frightened to watch your Bears play the champs tomorrow? Let’s think about it. If the Packers beat the Saints by 8, and the Saints beat the Bears by 17, that means that the Packers win by 25 tomorrow. So there you have it. No need to even watch the game. By the way, I’ve been trying to figure out how to get my TV to blur out Cutler’s face during games, but no luck so far.

Green Bay by 25

Donald Drivehers (1-1) vs Christian Poundher (1-1)

Two great fantasy team names here. It brings me joy to type them. Well done, guys. You know what else brings me joy? Watching Aaron Rodgers and Greg Jennings tear up Chicago’s defense. Which is totally happening in less than 24 hours. Oh yeah. Last week, Jay Cutler told the media that he’s not sure if he can last the 2011 season if he keeps getting hit so often. Now I’m no NFL player, but I would imagine that making a statement like that is counterproductive on two fronts. First, it pissed off your offensive line, and second, it’s like wearing a giant sign that says “If you keep hitting, I’ll stop trying”. But we already knew that, didn’t we?

Christian Poundher by 12

Its on like Ndamukong (2-0) vs It’s a Hard Knox Life (1-1)

Matt Stafford for MVP? Haha. Good joke Chode. Hell of a start though for the Lions. They’ll probably take down Minnesota this week too. Eh. I’m not sure if I like this new “Detroit is good” thing. Not to worry though, their beatdown at the hands of the Pack will come soon enough. I’m gonna have to pick Eric here for two reasons. First and foremost, I can’t pick a Bears fan this week. Not happening. Second, Tom Brady vs Rex Grossman. Come on. Too easy.

Its on like Ndamukong by 21

A couple more thoughts before we wrap it up:

I may have been wrong about Cam Newton. We’ll see.

Menomonie High School settled on a new mascot finally this week: the Menomonie Mustangs. Wow. That’s depressing. I need a drink.

- Chode Out.