Chode Picks - Week 1

Hide your kids, hide your wives, the Chode is back! After eight painful months, a new glorious season of Chode Picks has been born into the world, here to save you from the scourge of your fall classes. It’s been one hell of an offseason to say the least, and we’ve got a lot of topics to cover before I even get to fantasy football, so lets get it started. Hold on tight.

First, its time for a long, long overdue celebration: WORLD CHAMPIONS!!!!!! GREEN BAY PACKERS!!!!!! WE DID IT!!!!!!! I think that’s about what I screamed at my dad when I called him after Super Bowl XLV. To be completely honest, I don’t remember a damn thing from after the game. Apparently I was yelling “go pack go” and trying to flip cars by myself for a solid half hour. Blame it on one too many Four Lokos I guess. Anyways, winning Super Bowl XLV is one of my best half-memories from college, and something the entire state can be proud of for a long, long time. (Minnesota, you will never know what that feels like. Ever.) More impressive than beating the Steelers was the long road that the Pack took to get there, playing essentially 6 elimination games in a row to take the crown. The fact that two of those victories came over the Bears makes it even sweeter. (By the way, congrats on winning the NFC North. Was it worth it?) Normally this is the where I would tell you that Green Bay is poised to repeat, but you already knew that. Can’t wait to watch them crush the Saints tonight. Go. Pack. Go.

On a related note, we may be witnessing the greatest sports year in Wisconsin history. Think about it. A Super Bowl victory, a Rose Bowl for the Badgers, and for the first time in our lives, the Brewers have a shot at the World Series. It doesn’t even matter that the Bucks are terrible. (you should be rooting for the Heat anyways). Also, Russell Wilson for Heisman.

Unfortunately, there were a couple of low points in the offseason as well. I’m sure that I don’t need to remind you about the two epic collapses, but I will anyways. (Note: the phrase “epic collapse” is okay to use when describing a disappointing finish. The phrase “epic fail” however, should never be used to describe anything. Ever.) The first was, of course, the Miami Heat. After wrecking the Dallas Mavericks in Game 1 and pulling ahead by 15 in the 3rd quarter of Game 2, the Heatles broke down and choked away the series. It’s easy to blame LeBron for disappearing in games 4, 5, and 6, but you have to recognize the fact that without LeBron, Miami never would have made it to the Finals. I can’t explain LeBron’s passiveness at the end of the series, and I don’t think he can either, but he’s still only 26 years old. He’ll figure it out. On a side note, explain this to me: Kobe Bryant and Ben Roethlisberger sexually assaulted women (allegedly), Ray Lewis helped cover up a murder, Marvin Harrison shot a guy (look it up), and Michael Vick murdered puppies. Yet who does America hate the most? LeBron James, because he left Cleveland for a better team in Miami, raising millions of dollars for charity in the process. Shame on you, America.

The second collapse belongs to the US Women’s Soccer team. It’s okay, you can admit that you watched women’s soccer this summer. We all did. (if you didn’t, then get the hell out of my country, communist) Even if the only reason you did was to see smokin’ hot forward Alex Morgan in action, you were probably still extremely irritated by the USA’s loss in the finals to Japan, as was I. I don’t care how many earthquakes they went through, Japan does NOT get to beat us at sports. Fortunately, we’re still up 2-0 in city demolition. By the way, I promise that’s the last time I’ll write about women’s soccer this year. Unless Alex Morgan poses for Playboy. Keep your fingers crossed.

The last topic I want to hit before we get to fantasy football is the scandal that rocked the Big Ten (Big Twelve?) football landscape this summer. Of course, I’m talking about Nebraska. As you’ve all probably heard, those dastardly Cornhuskers provided their players with extra money to buy textbooks that were merely recommended by their professors instead of required. Naturally, the NCAA was quick to swoop in and place Nebraska’s football program on probation for two years. Free books?!?! How dare you, Nebraska. It’s almost like you want your players to learn something from their classes. For shame. In a completely unrelated story, the Auburn Tigers have yet to face any punishment after Cam Newton’s father made $200,000 for sending his son to Auburn. Also, I think some shit happened with Ohio State and Miami too, but I’m not sure.

Okay. We’re nearly caught up now. I’ll get to the rest next week. It’s time for fantasy football.

Chode’s All Stars (0-0) vs Lick My vaJJ Watt (0-0)

This is the year. Finally, after years of fine-tuning my game strategy and learning from more than a few roster mistakes, I have assembled a roster close to perfection. In fact, it’s nearly as good as the team that NFL.com autodrafted for me the first time around (damn you, Kenne). Regardless, Lick My vaJJ Watt will become the first casualty in my run to a fantasy championship this season. And yes, I know Peyton Manning won’t play for the first week or two. He was still a steal. Also, this game puts me in the awkward position of rooting for the Packers, but against Aaron Rodgers tonight. Considering that we have no running game, that doesn’t bode well for me. But you know what? It doesn’t matter. I’m awesome.

Chode’s All Stars by 799

Team Beaupre (0-0) vs Corn on the Cobb (0-0)

Michael, no matter what you do this year, your fantasy team will still be overshadowed by the awful season that the Bears are about to have. Just remember that. Tell me, did you enjoy watching Jay Cutler pout on the sidelines while his team lost the NFC Championship Game as much as I did? I doubt it. Now that Favre has finally been exiled to the Wrangler Mud Football League, the torch has been passed to Cutler as the biggest douchebag in the NFC North. Carry it proudly, Jay. Also Mike, congratulations on getting engaged. That’s not a joke. Just know that if you brainwash your kids into becoming Chicago fans, you will be sentencing them to a life of misery and disappointment, and God may never forgive you.

Corn on the Cobb by 18

No Names (0-0) vs Mondolockdown (0-0)

Welcome to the league Brandon, and Levi, welcome back. We’ve missed you. Unfortunately, both of your teams suck and are boring as shit, so I can’t think of anything to write about. Instead, I’ll rebuke both of you for drafting kickers in the 9th round. What the hell? Have you never read a single fantasy football draft guide? Kicker is by far the least important position in fantasy football. The difference between the best kicker in fantasy and the 10th best kicker is less than two points per game. That means that even if you could predict the best kicker in fantasy (and you can’t), it still wouldn’t be worth it to draft one before the last round. And don’t tell me that it’s autopick’s fault either, because you still would have been better off putting every kicker on the “do not draft” list and picking one off of the waiver wire later. Okay. End rant. Seriously though, I’m glad you guys are in the league this year. Hope you’re enjoying the Picks.

No Names by 5

Brett Favre is a Douchebag (0-0) vs Suck my PeterSon (0-0)

Yes, Brett Favre is a douchebag. We know. But the torch has been passed to Cutler. I covered this earlier. Change your name Dan. Think of something clever about Rex Ryan’s foot fetish. It shouldn’t be too hard. Also Jared, you’re about 10 months overdue for a new fantasy name as well. I’ll let you off the hook because it’s the first week of the season, but next week is a different story. If I can think of enough shit to fill 3-4 pages with every week, you can come up with a clever new team name. Don’t they teach you guys anything at UW-Eau Claire? Actually, don’t answer that. I already know. Also, congratulations to the North Dakota Redskins for defeating powerhouse Drake University 16-0 last week.

Suck My PeterSon by 16

Somewhere over Dwayne Bowe (0-0) vs Its on like Ndamukong (0-0)

First Eric, I’d like to apologize for taking the Lions defense from you. But let’s be honest. We both know I’m not really sorry. That was a transparent apology, the same way I would “apologize” after spilling my beer on a guy wearing an Ohio State jersey. So to recap, I’m not sorry. On the other hand, I really do think that the Lions have an outside shot at making the playoffs this year, even if Stafford gets hurt again. It’s going to fun watching Clay Matthews and Ndamukong Suh battle it out for Defensive Player of the Year. And I’m even willing to admit that Calvin Johnson’s week 1 touchdown should have counted last year. So I won’t be ripping on the Lions as much this year. Michigan, however, is another story. It’s really a shame that the Badgers won’t get to run up the score on Big Blue again this season.

Somewhere over Dwayne Bowe by 4

It’s A Hard Knox Life (0-0) vs Donald Drivehers (0-0)

Seriously Will? You’re a Bears fan? What the hell? No wonder you finished in last place a year ago. In that case, I hope you’re ready to accept the Bulls and Cubs/White Sox as well, because you can’t split your allegiances between states. (I’m the exception, because as previously stated, I’m awesome, And my awesomeness cannot be contained by state borders.) Johnny Knox isn’t even a good receiver. Damn it, you leave me no choice. I have to pick Nate.

Donald Drivehers by a number too large for your tiny brain to comprehend

Alright. That’s it for the first edition in the 6th season of the Chode Picks. Only took me two and a half hours, and you bet your ass I wrote it all in one sitting. Bill Simmons, HOLD MY DIIIIIIIIIIIIIICK!

Lastly, a quote from suspended Oregon Ducks cornerback Cliff Harris. After being pulled over at a speed of 118 mph in a car smelling like pot and being asked by an officer “Who’s got the marijuiana?” Cliff calmly replied “We smoked it all”. Touche, Mr. Harris.

-Chode Out.