Chode Picks - Week 2

….. and on the eighth day, Chode said “Let there be Picks!” and there were Picks, and they were good. Welcome to the second edition of the historic sixth season of the Chode Picks, brought to you by Comedy Central. That’s right, the Picks are now officially older than the NBC TV series Friday Night Lights. You’re welcome, world.

Last weekend was a hell of a start to the NFL season, with tight contests, late-game heroics, a couple of satisfying choke jobs, and most importantly, an absence of Brett Favre. First and foremost, the Packers established their position as the dominant team in the NFC, torching the Saints for 42 points and stuffing a late comeback attempt, even in the face of some horrible fourth quarter officiating. Once again, Aaron Rodgers spoiled us with a nearly flawless performance. Also, Randall Cobb. Good Lord, he can do some amazing things with a football. I don’t know how he lasted until the 64th pick in June, but I couldn’t be happier about it. Not to mention that every time the camera cuts to him before a kickoff, he looks like he’s about to stab someone, which is awesome. Forget what you learned in elementary school, Randall Cobb killed the dinosaurs.

Along with the Packer victory, last weekend the Oregon State Beavers came to town, and Heisman hopeful Russell Wilson put them down faster than a poodle with cancer. Expect more of the same next week at Soldier Field against Northern Illinois. In fact, the city of Chicago is about to be treated to two consecutive displays of Wisconsin football dominance, as the Packers head south to take on the Bears in week 3.

In other college football news, this past weekend featured a matchup between two of the nation’s most perpetually overrated and overhyped teams, Notre Dame and Michigan. After watching the first three quarters of the game hoping for the stadium to collapse on both teams, I was ready to change the channel from what was a clear Notre Dame blowout victory. Then Denard Robinson woke up and accomplished more in one quarter than most quarterbacks do in an entire game, leading the Wolverines to a dramatic, last-second victory. Well done, Denard. But enjoy your spotlight now, before you actually have to line up against a real Big Ten defense. I’ll discuss Robinson’s Heisman chances next week after he dismantles Directional Michigan again this week, but let’s make one thing clear: he’s not in the same league as Russell.

In yet another college football news story, you may have heard that Texas A&M caused a giant shitstorm in the Big 12 this past offseason by pledging to join the SEC to get pounded by Alabama and LSU on a yearly basis. After losing Nebraska and Colorado this past year, the Big 12 was understandably a little sensitive about possibly losing another institution. So did Oklahoma and Texas, the league’s power brokers, come to the rescue? Nope. Baylor University, the league’s often-ignored little brother filed a lawsuit to prevent Texas A&M from leaving, while the giants of the Big 12 decided to sit in a corner and let the two midgets wrestle it out, with the fate of the league hanging in the balance. So props to Baylor, the new heroes of Texas, for not letting the Big 12 fall apart just yet. Also props to Baylor for beating TCU in week 1. Fucking horned frogs. On a side note, the Chode will be traveling to Houston next Thursday for an interview at Baylor College of Medicine. Don’t worry, I’ll still find time to get the Picks out, but it might be as late as Saturday night.

Okay, lets get to the fantasy matchups for week 2:

It’s A Hard Knox Life (0-1) vs Somewhere over Dwayne Bowe (0-1)

I told you, Will. I told you that bad karma follows Chicago fans, but YOU DIDN’T LISTEN. You will reap what you have sown. Specifically, you will reap a 0-2 start. Also, in case you haven’t noticed, the Bears’ defense is projected to score negative points this week. That makes me giggle. You know what else makes me giggle? The thought of watching the Packers’ defense tee off on Cam Newton this week. Yes, the rookie played pretty well against the Cardinals last week. You know who else looks good throwing against the Cardinals? Literally anyone. Put your pants back on, Mel Kiper.

Somewhere over Dwayne Bowe by 43

Lick My vaJJ Watt (1-0) vs Its on like Ndamukong (1-0)

Not a smart bet on your part, Eric. On one side, you have the Green Bay Packers, who are favored to win the NFC and reach the Super Bowl again (at which point you have a 50/50 chance of ending up with a permanent reminder of Green Bay dominance), and on the other side, you have the Detroit Lions, who have absolutely no chance in hell of winning it all. Look, the Lions aren’t that bad this year. With some luck, they could potentially sneak in to the playoffs as a wild card. But if for some godforsaken reason the Lions do win it all, I will paint my testicles Honolulu blue every day for a month. That’s a promise. Also, I think you’re mistaken in asserting that the Packers are one of the two most hated teams in the NFL. If I remember correctly, pretty much the entire country except for Pennsylvania, Minnesota, Illinois and Terry Bradshaw was rooting for Green Bay in Super Bowl XLV. I’d put the Patriots, Jets and Cowboys all far ahead of the Pack. Don’t get me wrong, I wish more people were cheering against us. If I learned one thing from this past NBA season, it’s that rooting for the villain is actually a lot of fun. There’s nothing like watching your team go into an arena full of loathing fans (Cleveland, anyone?) and take the fight out of them by curb-stomping the hometown heroes. Sometimes, you deserve to be favored. Haters gonna hate. Lastly, you got lucky this time Kenne. I’m coming after your ass in week 12.

Its on like Ndamukong by 3

Smelly Twats (0-1) vs No Names (1-0)

Smelly Twats. And a Viking logo. You had the entire world of football-related humor at your disposal for a new fantasy team name, and you went with Smelly Twats. Sigh. This is depressing. Let’s move on.

No Names by 297

Suck my PeterSon (1-0) vs Team Beaupre (1-0)

Yet another black hole of creativity here. I’m really disappointed in you, Sawle. But I can’t skip two matchups in a row. (By the way, I think the way the term “black hole” is used in our language is completely wrong. For example, when somebody describes a person as “a black hole of intelligence” they mean that the person is really stupid. But since, in theory, black holes suck everything into them and are the most massive objects in the universe, a true “black hole of intelligence” should contain a ridiculous amount of intelligence, like that guy in Limitless.) Anyways, in last week’s post I mocked everyone who picked a kicker before the last round. Then on Sunday, Sebastian Janikowski made me look like an asshole by hitting three field goals, one from a record-tying 63 yards, scoring more points than starting RB Darren McFadden in the process. Sometimes, I hate fantasy football. Mike, I am getting really sick of watching you win while my team loses.

Suck my PeterSon by 29

Corn on the Cobb (0-1) vs Mondolockdown (0-1)

I think it’s time to talk about the two men who single-handedly killed their teams last week. Of course, I’m referring to Tony Romo and Donovan McNabb. Romo, leading the Cowboys on a game-winning drive with less than a minute left, dropped back near midfield, looked left at single coverage, looked right at double coverage, and promptly fired the ball to the right side of the field, directly into the waiting arms of Darrelle Revis. A few plays later, the Jets kicked a game-winning field goal. It’s important to note that no NFL quarterback, or even anyone who’s played a decent amount of Madden, EVER throws the ball directly at Revis. After the game, Cowboys owner Jerry Jones told the press that he thought Romo was “outstanding” and that “he’s a winner”. This merely confirms what we’ve all known for years, that Jerry Jones is batshit crazy. Kudos to Tony Romo for once again snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. Not to be outdone, however, Donovan McNabb submitted an even worse performance for the Vikings. McNabb completed 7 of 15 attempts for a whopping 39 yards. You read that right. 39 yards, one less than 40. That’s 2.6 yards per attempt, about half of what Adrian Peterson usually gets when he takes a handoff. With McNabb at the helm, Packer fans can rest easy, knowing that the Vikings will be absolutely awful for at least another season. I bet all of the Minnesota fans who bought brand new #5 jerseys this year are feeling pretty smart right now. It’s gonna be a good year.

Mondolockdown by 5

Donald Drivehers (1-0) vs Chode’s All Stars (0-1)

So. Maybe I was wrong about Peyton Manning. The end of the 3rd round might have been a little early. Whatever. Don’t judge me. I still would have won last week if LeGarrette Blount hadn’t shit the bed. And how dare you reject my gracious trade offer, Nate. Drew Brees is in the twilight of his career, and Eli is a rising superstar. You would be wise to grab him when you can. Jerk. I’m projected to win by 30 points anyways. Suck it.

Chode’s All Stars by 30

Some random thoughts:

I want to share with all of you the brilliance of my intramural flag football team naming skills. Two years ago, we were Victorious Secret and were eliminated in the second round of the playoffs. Last season, we were the Mile Hy-Men, wore Denver Bronco colors, and survived to the third round. This season? Let me introduce you to your Fall 2011 Intramural Champions in the making, Victorious Hymen. Fittingly, our team color is red.

My condolences to the North Dakota Spearchuckers, who suffered a 44-14 loss at the hands of Idaho last week. Better luck against Fresno State. 

President Obama’s approval rating fell to an all-time low of 43% this past week. That’s what happens when you promise far more than you can deliver. Also, a belated thank you to Governor Scott Walker for putting the liberals in their place this past spring. The man has got some balls. Apparently it’s shocking now when a politician actually follows through on his campaign promises. In today’s workplace, unions are inefficient and merely exist to keep people who suck at their jobs from being replaced. If you’re going to college to be a teacher, you should be happy about Walker’s bill, because it’s going to allow school districts to fire old, shitty teachers and hire young people who are actually excited about teaching. Madison, you are NOT more important than the rest of Wisconsin. Put your stupid signs away and go do something productive.

No, I’m not going to make a joke about Brian Urlacher’s mother. What kind of person do you think I am?

-Chode Out.