Chode Picks - Championship

Editor’s Note: First of all, sorry I didn’t get these out sooner. I hate to keep you guys waiting, but things got a little crazy in Pasadena and I didn’t have access to my computer for the majority of the trip. Secondly, I wrote the next seven paragraphs BEFORE the Rose Bowl took place. I thought about deleting them and starting over after, but I decided it was too good, and I left it in. Think of it as a bonus: you get Chode’s pre-game and post-game analysis all in one edition. You’re welcome.

Good morning league, and welcome to the final edition of the 2010 season of Chode Picks. This week, the picks are coming to you from the magical city of Los Angeles, home to the University of Southern California Trojans, who will not be playing in the Rose Bowl this week. Bitches. Los Angeles is also home to a variety of disgusting creatures, including bums, panhandlers, actresses, whores, and worst of all, Laker fans. I hope all of you were lucky enough to witness the curb-stomping that the Heat gave the Lakers on Christmas Day, but if you weren’t, I’ll summarize for you: the Miami Heat are the greatest basketball team on the face of the earth, and there’s no way in hell that L.A. is going to win their third championship in a row this summer. Wade for MVP.

In football news, we are less than 48 hours away from the greatest ass-kicking in Rose Bowl history. I’ve done a lot of thinking over the past week, and I came to the conclusion that TCU would have been the 4th or 5th best team in the Big Ten this season. Therefore, I’m predicting a 30+ point blowout for the Badgers. You heard it here first. And if Wisconsin scores 70 or more points, I’ll streak across the Rose Bowl field. Also, TCU is favored by three points. If gambling were legal, I would bet the house on Wisconsin to beat the spread. Sawle, I’m looking in your direction.

In a related story, tomorrow night is New Year’s Eve. Have fun, make some memories, but be safe, and don’t forget to ask youself, “what would Chode do”? Then do the opposite, and thank me later.

Before I get to the picks this week, I have a couple of special shout outs. First, congratulations to the Ohio State Buckeyes for destroying their 2011 football season before it even begins. Put yourself in Terrelle Pryor’s situation: you’re a junior in college, one of the biggest names in college football, and a lock to be drafted, no matter if you decide to leave after your junior year or stay in school. Also, you have a full scholarship, so there’s no need to make money right now. Also, you have both a Rose Bowl and Fiesta Bowl championship under your belt. So naturally, Pryor and a few of his buddies decided to sell their Fiesta Bowl championship rings to make a few extra bucks, and promptly got suspended for the first five games of next season. Whatever money Terrelle made selling his ring, he lost at least 10 times over in decreased NFL Draft stock. So congratulations Ohio State football players, you have captured Chode’s Annual Douche of the Year Award, beating out Brett Favre and Jay Cutler. Quite an accomplishment.

Second, I want to give a shout out to the Chode for finishing his fourth consecutive 4.0 semester last week. “But Chode”, you ask, before you realize the foolishness of talking to your computer “you get hammered every weekend, how can you possibly get A’s in every class?” Well, dear reader, the answer is because I am awesome, and you are not. Also, I have extraordinary luck. Hooray for me. Time for the picks.

Championship Bracket:

The Look of Eli (8-6) vs Suck My PeterSon (10-4)

Damn it. This isn’t happening. Dave is NOT going to win the Sorry for Partying league championship after resting his starters in week 14. I don’t care if Jared’s starting QB and both RBs are out. Sawle, I need you to pull this one off. Do it for me. Do it for sportsmanship and everything good about the game of football. I believe in you. Also Dave, I know I’ve only talked to you a few times in my life, but if you win the league after your late-season shenanigans, you’re a dick.

Suck my PeterSon by 7

Team Beaupre (12-2) vs Its on like Ndamukong (6-8)

That’s what you get for talking shit after knocking me out of the playoffs, Michael. A place in the meaningless third-place game against a team with a losing record. This is the fantasy football equivalent of the Champs Sports Bowl. Nobody cares who wins. Also, I want to thank the Chicago Bears for letting the Packers back into the playoffs this week. I don’t know if the victory was more satisfying than watching Green Bay beat The Traitor twice this year, but it was close. I cannot wait to watch the Saints blow the Bears off the field in the divisional round.

Team Beaupre by 2.98

Consolation Bracket:

Nobody cares about the consolation bracket. Don't kid yourself.

There you have it. The very last Chode Picks of the 2010 season. To help ease your pain, I present to you Chode’s Rose Bowl Trip analysis.

First, if you’ve never taken a cross-country train trip, I would like to highly discourage you from doing so. Imagine being trapped on an elongated coach bus for 44 hours with no access to a shower, overpriced food and drinks, and a shitload of old, ugly people. Then imagine that you’re sitting next to an old, dirty hippie woman for the entire trip. Welcome to my wonderful life. You can probably guess what my remedy to the situation was. Did you guess massive quantities of alcohol? You are correct, my friend. Myself and two of my friends collaborated to finish an entire 1.75 liter bottle of Everclear in less than 48 hours. I didn’t sleep on the train so much as I slipped into and out of an alcohol-induced coma. It made the trip surprisingly tolerable.

After arriving in Los Angeles, my friends and I had two days to explore the city before gameday. Our first stop was the traditional tourist destination, Hollywood Boulevard. My goodness, I have never seen so many crack addicts in one place in my life. Apparently, we went to quite a few attractions on the Boulevard, but I honestly only remember a few because I was determined to spend every minute possible in L.A. drunk as hell. One that sticks out in my mind was a world-famous wax museum. If you’ve never been inside a wax museum before, I’ll explain. A wax museum is a place where specially trained artists spend days carving extraordinarily life-like figures of the most famous people on the planet out of wax, and then put them on display for tourists to admire and take pictures of. It’s also a place where Chode goes to take pictures of himself humping the attractive female figures. Beyonce, Kelly Clarkson, Jessica Alba, Penelope Cruz and Leonardo DiCaprio were just a few of my victims. I’m sure the pictures will eventually make their way onto Facebook.
Later that night, we traveled to the Badger pep rally at the Santa Monica Pier, which featured the Wisconsin Band, Chancellor Biddy Martin, Governor Jim Doyle, the Wisconsin Football team, and of course, one very drunk Chode, who spent his time at the rally making up vulgar lyrics to all of the band’s traditional songs.
The next day was New Year’s eve, and really the only thing worth writing about from that day was the frat party we went to at USC. First off, I want to tell you that if anyone ever says that USC is a good academic school, you have every reason to laugh in their face. Those kids are fucking morons, and they’re awful at beer pong. I would say that the highlight of that night was watching my friend go around the party asking the USC kids if they knew where she could score some coke. Not sure if she was serious about it. Later, at about 2:00AM, the fire alarm went off and all of the USC kids, displaying their amazing brainpower, freaked out and ran out of the house like the FBI was coming.

Anyways, the next day was gameday, and after watching a little bit of the parade, we went to the game three hours early to tailgate. Best decision of the trip, without a doubt. With around 70,000 Badger fans partying on one field outside the stadium, the beer was free and plentiful, and I took full advantage. I lost my voice before the game even started from screaming at any TCU fans foolish enough to walk past our tailgate area. Despite being outfanned at least 3 to 1, they were surprisingly classy in response, and I remember thinking “I’m going to feel like an ass if we lose”.

Of course, we lost the game. I’m sure you all watched as Tank Carder knocked away the Scott Tolzein pass that would have sent the game into overtime. What a shame. It turns out that TCU deserved their ranking after all. I still think that we had the better team, but the difference in the game was that Wisconsin made critical mistakes, and TCU did not. Now we’ll have to wait another 360 days to see the Badgers in the Rose Bowl again. You heard it here first.
Also, we needed to give John Clay the ball the entire game, not just for one drive in the fourth quarter. He’s still clearly our best player. What the hell, Paul Chryst?

So here we are league, as the last edition of the 2010 Chode Picks draws to a close. Before I leave you, I’d like to give you a special gift. I’m sure at some point this season, you’ve wondered to yourself “where does he come up with this shit?” Well, to be honest, a lot of it is just God-given creative writing talent, to be sure. The rest of it, however, comes from my sources, also known as the stuff that I read when I want to be entertained. I’m handing them over to you. Enjoy.

First: www.Cracked.com, most notably the works of Robert Brockway, Soren Bowie, and Dan O’Brien. When I first found this site, I spent days on end reading through the archives. It’s fucking brilliant.

Second: Page 2 at www.ESPN.com, most notably Bill Simmons and DJ Gallo. Some of you probably already know about Simmons, but I feel like Gallo is closer to my writing style.

Third: Tucker Max, author of I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell, and Assholes Finish First. His work contains some of the best stories I’ve ever heard in my life. Also, reading about his lifestyle makes me feel better about mine.

Well, it’s time to call it a season, I think. I want to thank each and every one of you for sticking with me for 4 months. In the end, you guys are the reason I write every week. Also, I’d like to take this opportunity to announce that, barring a disaster, I intend to return for the 2011 season. I hope I can count on you to be there with me.

Happy new year.

-Chode Out.