Chode Picks - Quarterfinals

Here we go again. It’s time for the first of three playoff editions of the Chode Picks. The picks are brought to you this week by GoDaddy.com. Did you know they’re hosting a bowl game this year? Yep, the GoDaddy.com Bowl, held on January 7th, features the high-powered matchup of Middle Tennessee and Miami of Ohio. The Chode remembers a time, long ago, when January bowl games were reserved for only the best college football teams. Sadly, those days are long gone, and now Middle Tennessee, who was one of the few teams to lose to Minnesota this year, gets a longer season than Wisconsin, Ohio State, Oklahoma, Arkansas, TCU, Stanford or Virginia Tech. Just more proof that the current bowl system is fundamentally flawed, but you already knew that. This week, Dallas Mavericks owner and eccentric billionaire Mark Cuban expressed interest in donating hundreds of millions of dollars to convince the BCS to move to a playoff system. If this happens, the Dallas Mavericks will become my new favorite basketball team. Okay, third favorite behind the Heat and Bucks. I never thought I’d say this, but hooray for Mark Cuban.

As you already know, last week was an awful one for a few reasons. First and foremost, the Packers inexplicably lost to the Detroit Lions, 7-3. More on that later. Secondly, Chode’s All-Stars were brutally knocked out of playoff contention in the final week of the regular season. To make the postseason, I needed one of two simple things to happen. Either Chode’s All Stars needed to defeat Team Beaupre, or Brett Favre needed to lose to Its on like Ndamukong. About halfway through the Sunday afternoon games, I realized that I wasn’t going to beat Mike, since apparently all of my players except Michael Vick decided that they simply had no business being in the end zone this week. Thanks, jackasses. After Mike sealed his victory, I turned my attention to the matchup between Eric and Jason. At the end of the day on Sunday, Its on like Ndamukong had nearly a 30-point lead, with only Matt Schaub playing for Brett Favre on Monday night. I felt pretty good about my chances of securing the #8 seed, and started game planning for my first round rematch against Team Beaupre. Schaub, apparently, had other ideas. The Texans quarterback threw for 393 yards and 3 touchdowns, scoring 26.52 points and leading Brett Favre victory by 1.26 points. What an asshole.

Of course, when something like this happens, you have too look at the big picture. The fact is, there were 10 teams in the league, and 8 playoff spots. Despite my best efforts, and starting a full lineup every week, I somehow managed to finish 9th. Out of 10 fucking teams. You have got to be shitting me. So, who’s to blame? First I have to look in the mirror. And since clearly that’s not the problem, do I blame Eric? Jason? Matt Schaub? Adrian Peterson or Terrell Owens? No. You want to know whose fault it is? Terry Bradshaw. Terry fucking Bradshaw. You see, two weeks ago, Bradshaw reported that Adrian Peterson was out with an ankle injury shortly before kickoff against Buffalo. So naturally, I benched him in favor of Felix Jones. Peterson rushed for 107 yard and 3 touchdowns that day. Had Bradshaw never made his erroneous report, I would have defeated Kenne, made the playoffs, and probably won the league championship. To summarize, fuck you Terry. You bald bastard. Ken Stabler was better on two gimpy knees than you ever could have been. Jack Lambert and Joe Greene carried you to your Super Bowls. I’m going to burn your house down and shoot your dog. Or maybe burn your dog and shoot your house down. I haven’t decided yet.

The last reason that this week has been awful is because it’s final exam week, and in response, I’ve come down with a terrible case of “the sobers”. It’s awful. That all ends on Saturday night, however, which is the eve of my 21st birthday. If you think that I’m going to stay in and study for finals, then clearly you’ve missed the point of the first 12 Chode Picks. Besides, the only exams I have the week after are Physics and Biochem. I own Physics and Biochem. Hooray for me. Anyways, this weekend is bittersweet, because it signifies the end of an era. My eight-year run of underage drinking is over. Yes, eight. Do the math.

Enough about me. Time for the picks.

Gotta get up to get down (7-7) vs Suck My PeterSon (10-4)

Another tough break for Green Bay last week, losing Aaron Rodgers to a concussion, the one player that the Pack absolutely could NOT afford to have injured. The Packers have had more injuries than the 2007 Menomonie Indians this season (too soon?) Regardless, I fully expect Matt “Matty Ice” Flynn to pull out the victory in New England this week. Nah, not really. Belichick takes no prisoners. Its going to be ugly. Just gotta hope the Bears keep losing too. By the way Jared, I dropped all of my good players in the hopes that you would pick them up and use them to beat Team Beaupre in the championship game. But NFL.com won’t let me drop Vick or Peterson, and we’re past the trade deadline, damn it. There’s got to be a way around this.

Suck My PeterSon by 10

The Look of Eli (8-6) vs Brett Favre is a Douchebag (7-7)

There is absolutely no way I can pick against a team named Brett Favre is a Douchebag the week after Favre’s 297-game streak was snapped. But for the love of God, Dan, please put Vince Young on the bench and start Philip Rivers. It irritates me that you might not even read this. By the way, last week just confirmed that Brett Favre’s last pass is destined to be an interception. There’s no denying it. My first link this week is an article discussing what might have happened if Favre’s streak had never happened in the first place, by ESPN’s DJ Gallo. I suggest you read it. It’s pretty good.

Brett Favre is a Douchebag by 4

Team Beaupre (12-2) vs Brett Favre (6-8)

Fuck both of you. Nobody wins.

Its on like Ndamukong (6-8) vs Mountain Dudes (8-6)

What, Eric? No taunting text or phone call after the Lions victory last week? I expected more. Also, congratulations to the Michigan Wolverines for earning a spot in the Progressive Gator Bowl against Mississippi. Hahahahahaha. Hey, you can’t win ‘em all. Or in Michigan’s case, you can barely avoid losing half of your games. Rich Rod is gonna get fired. Muck Fichigan.

Mountain Dudes by 13

A few more thoughts before we call it a wrap this week.

The Big Ten unveiled its new logo and division names this week. They’re all hideous. The “Legends” division will consist of Iowa, Michigan, Michigan State, Minnesota, Nebraska, and Northwestern, while Illinois, Indiana, Purdue, Ohio State, Penn State and Wisconsin will make up the “Leaders” division. Leaders and Legends? Are you kidding me? Were “East” and “West” just too damn complicated? And what exactly makes Northwestern and Minnesota more “legendary” than Wisconsin? From this point on, the Chode Picks will refuse to acknowledge the new division names. They will be referred to as the Badger division and the Hawkeye division. Much better. Up yours, Jim Delany.

The Miami Heat are currently on a 10-game winning streak. Prior to last night’s game, the Heat’s big three had combined for exactly 75 points in 4 straight games. This is the team that we envisioned back in August. DLC.

I really thought my friends at Zooniversity and Cascia Films had made the best college YouTube videos in the country with “Teach Me How to Bucky” and “We’re Smelling Roses”. That is, until I found these two from the University of Oregon. Especially the second one. Might have to change my national championship pick.

-Chode Out.