Chode Picks - Week 13

Welcome back friends, to the Week 13 edition of the historic 5th season of the Chode Picks, brought to you by The Discovery Channel. It’s been an up and down week, with victories by the Badgers and Heat tempered by losses from the Packers and Chode’s All Stars. Yes, I’m going to cover all of them. First one up…………

BADGERS! I feel justified in giving the league a big, fat “I told you so”. If you go back to the first edition this season, I predicted that the Wisconsin football team would play in their first BCS bowl since 2000 this year. With their 70-23 blasting of Northwestern, the Badgers clinched their first Big Ten title in ten years last Saturday, and barring a BCS catastrophe, will play in the Rose Bowl on New Year’s Day in Pasadena, CA. The Chode will be in attendance. I can’t afford not to go, since this figures to be the only chance I have to go to the Rose Bowl as a student. What about next year? Well, I’m glad you asked. You see, Wisconsin is undoubtedly the best team in the nation, and it should come as no surprise when we play for the national championship next season. Earlier this year, I stated that the Badgers had the three best running backs in the Big Ten in John Clay, Montee Ball and James White. My mistake. What I meant to say is, the Badgers have the three best running backs in the NCAA, all playing behind the best offensive line in the country. If you disagree, I’m sorry, but you’re just fucking wrong. This is how you end up scoring 45 points per game in the Big Ten without throwing the ball. Did I mention that Clay, Ball, and White are all coming back next season? Good God. The NCAA might need to give out three Heisman trophies next year. Speaking of Heisman……………..

CAM NEWTON! Cam “take the money and run” Newton sealed up college football’s most prestigious award with a thrilling comeback win over Alabama last week. Up yours, Nick Saban. Then on Wednesday, the NCAA cleared Newton of all allegations, saying that although his father violated NCAA rules, Cam himself did not. Wait a minute, how exactly is that different than what happened to Reggie Bush? Personally, I think the NCAA is allowing Newton to stay eligible in order to keep TCU out of the title game. Speaking of small-conference schools…………….

NEVADA! The Boise State Broncos saw their championship dream come crashing to an end with their 34-31 overtime loss to the Nevada Wolfpack a week ago. Instead of playing in the Rose Bowl or National Championship, the Broncos will now likely be sent to the Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl instead. Ouch. Congratulations to both Boise and Nevada on fantastic seasons. Unfortunately, one player has carried the majority of the burden for Boise’s loss: Kyle Brotzman. The senior kicker missed a straight-on field goal from Nevada’s 9 yard line at the end of regulation, pulling the kick wide right. CHOKE! Then in overtime, Boise drove to Nevada’s 10 yard line and set up for another field goal attempt by Brotzman, who was considered one of the best kickers in college football. This time, the kick went wide left. DOUBLE CHOKE!! Nevada quickly got into position for a game-winning 30-yard attempt on the next possession. The kick was good, and Boise’s title aspirations were shattered. Brotzman reportedly received multiple death threats after the game, which only proves that even in Idaho, people take sports waaaaaaaaaayyyyyy too seriously sometimes. But hey, speaking of despised athletes…………………..

LEBRON JAMES! In case you’ve been living under a rock all week, the LeBron and the Heat brought their talents back to Cleveland for the first time since “The Decision” last night. Cavaliers guard Mo Williams predicted that the game would be “a strange atmosphere, like seeing an ex-girlfriend at your wedding”. Great analogy Mo, but only if you’re marrying a fat chick and your smokin’ hot ex-girlfriend shows up with Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh, then proceeds to steal all of the wedding gifts. Before the game, the boos and chants were deafening, but as the game progressed, LeBron, Wade, and company silenced the crowd with a dominant performance, and left the Cleveland fans to drink their depression away. Some of the chants directed at LeBron included “Akron hates you”, “Scottie Pippen”, and the obligatory “asshole”. There were a few clever signs and shirts as well. None of it seemed to faze King James, as he racked up 38 points, 8 assists, 5 rebounds, zero turnovers, and one defiant powder toss in only three quarters of work. Final score: Heat 118, Cavaliers 90. Up yours, Charles Barkley. After the game, LeBron’s told reporters “Alright, this was fun. I’m gonna take my talents back to South Beach now”. Once again, God hates Cleveland. Speaking of awesome sports teams……………..

Chode’s All Stars (5-7) vs Gotta get up to get down (5-7)

Yes, Chode’s All Stars saw their three game winning streak snapped at the hands of the Mountain Dudes last week. Yes, Adrian Peterson and Terrell Owens are both hurt. Yes, Kenne will probably get 35 points from Rodgers against San Francisco. I don’t give a damn. I’m still winning this game. By the way, all of you are fools for not picking up Steve Johnson from waivers. You shall feel the scorned wrath of Buffalo Steve for the rest of the season.

Chode’s All Stars by 81

The Look of Eli (7-5) vs Suck My PeterSon (10-2)

JARED! SAME TEAM NAME TWO WEEKS IN A ROW! This is unacceptable. Dave’s got you beat by a mile this week. The Look of Eli is genius. The picture makes it so much better. That’s called “Manning Face” (copyright: Bill Simmons) by the way. Also, I want to take back all of the nice things I said about Peyton a few weeks ago. He’s awful. Absolutely terrible. Worst quarterback in the NFL. The Colts are done. D-O-N-E.

The Look of Eli by 10

Team Beaupre (10-2) vs Brett Favre (5-7)

You know what I think of these two teams? BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! Mike is somehow channeling the Bears’ incredible luck, which irritates me, and Brett Favre is, well, Brett Favre. Jason is using a brilliant strategy this week: both of his starting running backs are on injured reserve. How do you have just as many wins as me? I don’t get it.
Breaking news: Jets safety and Wisconsin alumnus Jim Leonhard suffered a broken leg in practice today and will miss the rest of the season. It’s really a shame. For those of you who don’t know the story of Jim Leonhard, I suggest you visit Wikipedia. He was my idol as an adolescent, and I’ve immensely enjoyed watching him beat the odds to start in the NFL. Mark my words, Leonhard will make a Pro Bowl someday.

Team Beaupre by 18

It’s on like Ndamukong (5-7) vs Will’s Rejects (1-11)

Hey Eric! Guess what? I’m picking the Lions to beat the Bears this week! Did you hear that? I’m picking the Lions to win a game in the National Football League! So quit your bitching! By the way, is there anything more annoying than the pop-up advertisement below the scoring chart in the NFL.com Gamecenter? No, there isn’t. It’s loud, pointless, and if I don’t close it quick enough, it makes my internet browser crash. Fuck you too, NFL.com.

Detroit Lions by 3 (you heard me)

Mountain Dudes (7-5) vs Brett Favre is a Douchebag (5-7)

Double tragedy this week. First, the Packers lose to Atlanta, and then the USA loses the 2022 World Cup bid to Qatar. I can understand the Packer loss, because the Falcons are pretty damn good, but seriously, QATAR!!!!????? Are you kidding me? Go look it up on a map. It’s the size of Conneticut, with one major city. The city of Houston is home to approximately 560,000 more people than the entire nation of Qatar. This is bullshit. As much as Americans don’t care about soccer, I have to admit that it’s the only sport that makes me want to invade other countries. I’m looking in your direction, Obama.

Brett Favre is a Douchebag by 4416 (Area of Qatar in square miles. I wish I was kidding)

That’s all for the picks this week. I now present to you: the most fearless animal on the planet. (Fuck you too, Death! Om nom nom)

-Chode Out.