Chode Picks - Week 14

Hello, league, and welcome to the Week 14 edition of the Chode Picks, brought to you by Asian Kitchen. And hangovers. It’s officially the least wonderful time of the year in Madison, Wisconsin. A combination of freezing cold weather and final exams looming just around the corner has robbed the campus of its usual festive atmosphere. So I set out with some friends last night to restore some of it with a trip to the bars for “just a few drinks”. If you’ve read all of the Chode Picks this year, you know where this story is headed. After a few casual beers, I decided that the evening would be much more entertaining if the Chode was drinking liquor instead, so I made my way over to the bar and had the following conversation with the ugly female bartender:

Chode: What do you have for specials tonight?
Ugly Bartender: Sorry, specials end at midnight.
Chode: Damn. Alright, what have you got for rail drinks?
Ugly Bartender: Well, we’ve got vodka, gin………..
Chode: Yes.
Ugly Bartender: What?
Chode: I want those two.
Ugly Bartender: Vodka and gin?
Chode: Straight. In a glass.
Ugly Bartender: ……….. okay. That’ll be four dollars.

It tasted like a Christmas tree doused in gasoline. I don’t recommend it, unless you desperately need the people around you to become more attractive. By the time I finished, Ugly Bartender had transformed into Hot Bartender. Luckily, one of my friends saved me from making a poor decision and I woke up this morning alone, feeling like someone had taken a jackhammer to my skull.

Anyways, it’s time for Chode’s Annual BCS Bowl-o-Rama, where I preview all five of the major college football bowl games and correctly pick the winners. Here goes.

BCS National Championship Game: #1 Auburn (13-0) vs #2 Oregon (12-0)

Everyone else is avoiding the obvious, so I’m just going to come out and say it: Oregon played a weak schedule. Their only strong win came over Stanford at home, and Stanford is also overrated. The Pac-10 sucks, and Auburn is going to crush the Ducks. Also, watch out for Oregon linebacker Casey Matthews (yes, that’s Clay’s brother). I really, really want the Packers to draft him in April. I don’t care if they have to take him too early. Make it happen, Ted.

Auburn by 14.

Discover Orange Bowl: #13 Virginia Tech (11-2) vs Stanford #4(11-1)

Ah yes. Stanford, the team that absolutely should NOT be ranked ahead of Wisconsin. I’m gonna take the upset in this one. Virginia Tech has been playing lights-out ever since dropping their first two games to Boise State and James Madison (yes, James Madison). Also, Tyrod Taylor is a better quarterback than Andrew Luck (but he won’t be in the NFL).

Virginia Tech by 3

Tostitos Fiesta Bowl: #7 Oklahoma (11-2) vs Connecticut (8-4)

Unranked Connecticut is playing in a BCS bowl, while #9 Michigan State (11-1) gets left out. Sometimes, the BCS sucks. Correction: the BCS always sucks. The Big East sucks even more, yet they get to send their four-loss champion to the Fiesta Bowl. I’m feeling a blowout in this one.

Oklahoma by 28

Allstate Sugar Bowl: #6 Ohio State (11-1) vs #8 Arkansas (10-2)

The Sugar Bowl, also known as The Bowl That You go to When You’re the Second Best Team in the Big Ten. Suck it, Ohio. This should be one hell of a game. Arkansas is really good, and OSU is no slouch either. As much as I enjoy watching the Buckeyes lose, I gotta support my conference in this one.

Ohio State by 3

Rose Bowl Game presented by Vizio: #5 Wisconsin (11-1) vs #3 TCU (12-0)

18 days. Two and a half short weeks until I board the train for Pasadena. I cannot wait. When I first got to UW-Madison, I was only hoping for either a Rose Bowl, a Final Four appearance, or a National Championship in hockey during my four (eight?) years here. We nearly took the ‘ship in hockey last season, and the football team lost to Michigan State this year, I feared that I might not get to see any of them. Problem solved. I’m smelling roses.
In my completely impartial and unbiased opinion, I think Wisconsin is considerably better than TCU. The Horned Frogs haven’t seen a team with the kind of power that the Badgers bring on the line of scrimmage. Also, we’re not losing to a team quarterbacked by a ginger. Sorry Frogs, but this ain’t the MWC. Also, its worth mentioning that if there were a playoff, the Badgers would have a really good shot at taking home the National Championship this season.

Wisconsin by 17

I’m just gonna keep this rolling right into the picks if you don’t mind.

Will’s Rejects (1-12) vs Brett Favre is a Douchebag (6-7)

Congratulations to Brett Favre on throwing the first perfect game in his storied career last Sunday. One pass, one interception, for a passer rating of 0.0. If a quarterback drops back and fires every pass straight into the ground, he gets a rating of 39.6. In honor of Benedict Brett’s accomplishment, here is a list of quarterbacks who are currently better than Favre:
Tom Brady
Drew Brees
Peyton Manning
Aaron Rodgers
Philip Rivers
Matt Ryan
Michael Vick
Ben Roethlisberger
Mark Sanchez
Joe Flacco
Eli Manning
Josh Freeman
Matt Cassel
David Garrard
Donovan McNabb
Matt Schaub
Matt Hasselbeck
Sam Bradford
Colt McCoy
Tim Tebow
Kyle Orton
Alex Smith
Ryan Fitzpatrick
Carson Palmer
Matt Stafford
Tarvaris Jackson
Andrew Luck
Cam Newton
Jake Locker
Ryan Mallet
Kellen Moore.

I’m sure I’m forgetting someone. Anyways, this season Favre has made the transition from America’s darling to the person America repeatedly kicks while they’re down. I love it.

Brett Favre is a Douchebag by 14

Mountain Dudes (7-6) vs Suck my PeterSon (10-3)

Alright Jared/Jon, time for a new team name. Suck my PeterSon is two weeks past its expiration date. It’s no longer clever. Adrian Peterson is on my team, not yours. Deal with it. Also, your starting lineup currently consists of Danny Woodhead, Nick Folk, and the Jets defense. Come on. Losing to Nate is never acceptable. Fix this shit, or feel the mighty wrath of the Chode. Your choice.

Mountain Dudes by 300

Its on like Ndamukong (6-7) vs Brett Favre (5-8)

Eric, I need you to win this game so I can make the playoffs. Thanks in advance. Also, I want to take a minute to talk about the New England Patriots, in the hopes that I can curse them the way I did Peyton Manning earlier in the season. Bill Belichick is a football genius unlike any other we’ve seen in our lifetimes. The Patriots don’t have an offensive coordinator. They don’t have a defensive coordinator either. They’re a team made up of undrafted free agents and cast-offs, and they have the best record in the NFL. Why? Because Belichick gets the very best out of his players, and knows when to get rid of them. This is how he gets away with looking like a homeless man on the sidelines. Gotta give credit where its due. Can’t wait to watch the Patriots-Packers Super Bowl in February.

Its on like Ndamukong by 81

Gotta get up to get down (6-7) vs The Look of Eli (8-5)

Bullshit. Completely unfair. Unsportsmanlike. An affront to the game of football. Yes, I’m talking about the stunt you’re pulling this week, Dave, giving Kenne a free win by resting your starters for the playoffs. Ask the Colts how that worked out for them last season. In the immortal words of Herm Edwards, YOU PLAY TO WIN THE GAME! I hope this comes back to bite you in the ass. Jerk.

The Look of Eli by 15

Chode’s All Stars (5-8) vs Team Beaupre (11-2)

Mike, I want you to pretend that you didn’t read anything in the previous paragraph. Having locked up the #1 or #2 seed in the playoffs, you should absolutely rest your starters this week. They need it. They’re played their asses off for you this season. Cut them a break. Also, I need to win this game to make the playoffs. Don’t be a dick. I sit here slaving away over my keyboard every week to entertain you, and you’re going to repay me by prematurely ending my season. Fuck you and your Bears.

Chode’s All Stars by eleventy billion

A couple more interesting tidbits before I call it a wrap this week:

-Not counting last night’s game against Tennessee, Peyton Manning has thrown 11 interceptions in his past three games. The Colts may not make the playoffs this year for the first time since 2001.
- The University of Wisconsin-Madison was ranked as the #3 party school in the nation by Playboy magazine recently, behind Texas and West Virginia.
- The University of Wisconsin-Madison was recently ranked as one of the top 50 universities in the world by QS. UW was one of the only public schools to make the list.
- My school is better than your school.
- There is a realistic chance that a 7-9 team will win the NFC West and host a playoff game.
- The Miami Heat are on a 6 game winning streak. DLC.
- Bird is the word.

- Chode Out.