Chode Picks - Semifinals

Merry Christmas, league. Consider this semifinal edition of the Chode Picks my special present to each and every one of you. No need to thank me, you deserve it if you’ve stuck with me this far. This week the picks are brought to you by The Lonely Island, the greatest fake emcees on planet earth.
Last week was both terrible and awesome for the Chode. Terrible because both the Packers and the Heat lost, but awesome because I survived my 21st birthday. I’ll cover the negatives first. Despite playing without Aaron Rodgers, Green Bay nearly managed to pull out a road win over the best team in the NFL. Matt “Matty Ice” Flynn played about as well as we could have hoped for before blowing the game with Les Miles-style clock management at the end. Now the Packers are in a difficult position, to say the least. We need to win out against the Giants and Bears to take the last wild-card spot. Otherwise, the 2010 Green Bay Packers will go down as one of the best NFL teams ever to not make the playoffs. The Pack currently has the best point differential in the NFC (+113), and each of their six losses have been by four points or less. Although I would love to see Green Bay win a playoff game this year, I really don’t think they can make a Super Bowl run with this many injuries. Not all is lost, however, because the Packers showed just how deep and talented they are this year. Green Bay is going to be good for a long time.
Keeping in theme, the Miami Heat saw their 12-game winning streak snapped by the Dallas Mavericks on Monday. Dallas seems to have figured out the formula for slowing down LeBron and Wade: play zone defense, pack the paint and make them settle for midrange jumpshots. That’s exactly what happened on Monday. As soon as the Heat figure out that they need to kick the ball out to their excellent 3-point shooters, they’ll bust the zone and teams will have to start playing into their hands again. Also, the last time the Heat lost to the Mavericks, they won their next twelve games. I’m just saying, look for Miami to destroy the struggling Lakers on Christmas Day.

Enough negativity. Time to recap the blur of drunken awesomeness that was my 21st birthday. I got back from work at 10:30PM, and the kind neighbor girls, knowing me, decided to make me jello shots instead of a birthday cake. Thank you, ladies. After being force-fed the gelatinous booze, we played Irish Poker, a drinking card game where you give out drinks. “Irish Poker”, however, quickly turned into “birthday boy chugs Natty Light for half an hour”. Fantastic. Next came the shots, with my good friend Jose. (editors note: Jose and Chode are no longer friends. In fact, Jose is a bitch and should not be trusted by anyone. Damn Mexicans.) My last coherent memory is taking a body shot off of one of the aforementioned neighbor girls, followed by a double shot of Everclear. Game, set, match. Apparently I went to two bars after midnight, and refused to speak any words except for “fuck” and “you” for a solid hour. Also, there’s a video of me doing the John Wall dance somewhere on Facebook. 100 Chode Points if you can find it. And 50 Chode Points to me for not throwing up or peeing on anybody.
The next day was unquestionably the worst hangover of my life. This was especially unfortunate because I had to work for 8 hours drawing blood at the hospital. I’m proud to say that despite feeling like I was going to vomit all over a couple of patients, I didn’t miss a single vein all day. More proof that I do my best work hungover.

Alright, time for the picks. We’ll start in the consolation bracket:

Brett Favre (6-8) vs Brett Favre is a Douchebag (7-7)

Apparently, Jason didn’t even know he was in this league until I told him last night. That explains why he hasn’t touched his roster all season and why both of his starting RB’s are on injured reserve. What it doesn’t explain, however, is how he took the last playoff spot from me with literally zero effort. I adjusted my team EVERY DAMN WEEK! AND I STILL LOST TO THE FANTASY FOOTBALL VERSION OF HELEN KELLER! Okay, I’m done now. I hate this sport.

Brett Favre is a Douchebag by 8,000

Gotta get up to get down (7-7) vs Mountain Dudes (8-6)

The Chode would like to give a big shout out to Chicago Bears DE Corey Wootton, who put what will likely be the last hit on Brett Favre in his storied career. Well done, sir. Although Favre’s last play wasn’t an interception, a sack and a concussion is good enough for me. Now for the love of God, don’t try to come back next year, asshole. Just ride off into the sunset with your Wrangler Jeans and lawn mower, and in five years you’ll be inducted into Canton and everyone will conveniently forget that you acted like a dick for your last three years in the NFL.

Mountain Dudes by 6.02x10^23

Now on to the championship bracket:

Its on like Ndamukong (6-8) vs Suck My PeterSon (10-4)

Congratulations to the Cowardly Lions for ending an NFL record 26-game road losing streak with their victory in Tampa Bay last week. Last Sunday was also the first time the Lions have won two games in a row since November 2007. That’s right, most of you were seniors in high school the last time Detroit beat two teams in a row. The Lions’ commitment to excellence knows no limits. Good to see they’re playing just well enough to lose their traditional top-5 draft pick. This never would have happened if Matt Millen was still in charge, that’s for damn sure.

Suck My PeterSon by ln(1)

The Look of Eli (8-6) vs Team Beaupre (12-2)

The battle for fantasy football supremacy in the House that Jack Built culminates with this semifinal showdown. Damn, who do I pick? The guy who rested his starters like a coward in the final week of the regular season, or the guy who knocked me out of playoff contention? Kenne, if you’re reading this I want you to poop on Dave’s pillow and hide a dead animal in Mike’s room. Go. Do it now. It’s the only way I’ll feel better. Also, Mike, I beat you at darts. Don’t try to deny it.

Team Beaupre by 6.62x10^-34

The Chode refuses to acknowledge the winner of the NFC North division this year. The team that shall remain unnamed still sucks.

In case you missed the Broncos-Raiders game last week (I don’t blame you), Tim “Virgin Air” Tebow made his first NFL start. After the Mile-High Messiah descended from the sky into the pit of sin and iniquity that is the Oakland Coliseum, he walked over the Raider defenders like water, rushing for one touchdown and throwing another. Despite the Big Tebowski’s efforts, however, the Broncos ended up on the losing end of the contest, due to the virtual no-show by the Denver defense. Once interim coach Eric Studesville decides to start Touchdown Timmy on both sides of the ball, however, look out NFL. Prepare to watch the league get destroyed by the massive Teboner.
When it comes to Father Tim, fans generally fall into one of two categories. They either love the guy and admire him for being a great football player and an even greater person, or they despise him because he represents everything that the rest of us could never live up to. I find myself in the first category. If you resent Uno Cinco because you hate the Florida Gators or Denver Broncos, I understand. It’s irrational, but natural. If you hate him for being a good person, though, shame on you. It takes massive testicles to stand up for what you believe in the way the Tebownator does. If you can’t appreciate that, then you have a problem, not him. Jon Heimler, this entire paragraph is directed towards you.

Congratulations to the New York Giants on completing one of the biggest fourth-quarter collapses in the history of the NFL last Sunday. Vick for MVP.

Have a very Merry Christmas.

-Chode Out.