Chode Picks - Week 6

Welcome back friends, to Week 6 of the often imitated, but never duplicated Chode Picks. This week’s edition is brought to you by Boxer Premium Lager, the only beer manly enough to be sold in 36 packs, and thus the new official beer of the Chode. Brewed in Monroe, Wisconsin, Boxer is the very definition of a great Wisconsin beer. In fact, I’m drinking one right now, and the best way to describe it is that it tastes like a badger going down my throat. Can’t beat that. I feel like I deserve it, considering that I just got done beating the living hell out of my AChem exam. I also feel obliged to share with you a new pre-test ritual that I tried out this week. It all started when my girlfriend told me that her neurobiology professor told the class that drinking a beer an hour before you go to bed can increase the percentage of your sleep spent in an REM state, essentially making your sleep more efficient. So last night I cracked a Boxer at around 11:30 during my late study session, and after I finished, I had a startling revelation. If one beer before bed makes your sleep a little bit more efficient, would 8 or 9 beers make your sleep super-efficient? Well, there was only one way to find out. I decided to stay up and keep drinking until I felt tired enough to pass out, and I knew that my super-efficient sleep cycles would more than compensate. Strangely however, I woke up this morning very disoriented with a pounding headache. Must have been all of that damn studying depleting my brainpower. Anyways, I’ll let you know how the experiment turned out next week when I get my test scores back.

Before we get to the Picks this week, there are a few important issues I want to address:

First, the NBA lockout. Don’t let anybody fool you. There is only one group of people to blame for the possible cancellation of the 2011 season, and it’s not the players. Let me ask you this: Say you’re the owner of an NBA team. And just for the sake of argument, let’s say that you were smart enough to trick the state government into using taxpayer money to build a brand new stadium for your team. And since you own an NBA franchise, it’s safe to assume that you know a decent amount about professional basketball (right?). And let’s say that the NBA is coming off of its most-watched season since the days of Jordan (there’s one person to thank for that, and his talents reside in South Beach). Now assuming that you don’t overpay shitty players and your ticket prices are reasonable, you should have no problem turning a profit over 82 regular season games, right? Wrong, because you decided to give Rashard Lewis a maximum contract and pay Gilbert Arenas $62 million over three years to sit on the bench. Also, you’re charging hundreds of dollars per ticket, which for the most part don’t sell. Make no mistake here, the only reason we’re having an NBA lockout is because NBA owners and GMs are too stupid to spend their team’s money wisely. It’s hard for me to write about this because it pisses me off so much. The point is: anyone who owns an NBA team and can’t make a profit shouldn’t be allowed outside the house, or near any sharp objects. And remember this: America needs the NFL. It doesn’t really need the NBA. Without professional football, millions of people will spend their Sundays morbidly depressed. Without professional basketball, people will simply pay more attention to the college game. And LeBron will play football. Good Lord, can you imagine the possibilities? Think Jermichael Finley, only three inches taller and with a 4.40 forty yard dash time instead of 4.82. My dream is for LeBron to come to Green Bay, create the greatest passing attack in league history, win a Super Bowl, then go back to Miami and lead the Heat to a championship in a lockout-shortened season. Yeah, I know its not going to happen. But anyways, fuck the NBA owners. Next topic.

E-A-G-L-E-S EAGLES!!!!! Just kidding. Philadelphia sucks. Which is why I want to take a moment to denounce their new nicknames, the “Philadelphia Heat” or the “Dream Team”. Excuse me. Both the original Dream Team and the 2011 Miami Heat enjoyed a fair amount of success. The Dream Team happened to be the best basketball team the world had ever seen, while the Heat were the second-best team in the NBA last season. Comparing either of them to the 1-4 Eagles is disgraceful and insulting. Also, Vick is a shell of his 2010 self. My theory is that the gravitational pull of Andy Reid is affecting the trajectory of Vick’s passes. I’d like to see somebody prove me wrong.

Tim “Virgin Air” Tebow, NFL starting quarterback. Get used to it. Last week Denver coach John (J-O-H-N) Fox made the smart decision to pull Kyle “I haven’t played a good game since college” Orton and insert the Mile High Messiah to jump start his team’s offense. It worked. The Tebownator led the Broncos on two scoring drives and probably would have won the game had it not been for Orton’s terrible play in the first half. Fox announced yesterday that the Big Tebowski will start next week against Miami. Look out Dolphins, here comes the mighty Teboner. Mad intangibles, comin’ at ya. The Chode boldly predicts that Uno Cinco will lead the Broncos to victory over the Dolphins, and then upset Detroit the week after. You heard it here first. By the way Orton, cut your damn hair. People are going to get you confused with Jay Cutler, and that’s never a good thing.

One more before we get to the picks:

“KUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHNNNNNNNN!!!!!” How black many people in the Georgia Dome took offense to the Packer fans’ exultation over John Kuhn’s 1st down rush in the 3rd quarter? I’d like to know. Right now, there’s absolutely no question who the best team in the NFL is (no, not the Lions, Eric), and with matchups against St. Louis and Minnesota coming up, I don’t see that changing anytime soon.

Chode’s All Stars (3-2) vs Team Beaupre (3-2)

One of these fine teams is going to be 3-3 next week, and it won’t be Chode’s All Stars. Guaranteed. Want to know why? Because as bad as Eli Manning is for the Giants, he’s a terrific fantasy quarterback for one reason: the Giants are always playing from behind. Manning and Victor Cruz are the Montana and Rice of garbage time. Also, Josh Freeman sucks. I’d rather have Russell Wilson. By the way, I don’t know if you watched the Wisconsin-Indiana massacre today, but Wilson’s touchdown catch from Montee Ball was awesome. There’s literally nothing this man can’t do on a football field. Honestly, I think Bret Bielema watched Andrew Luck making his one-handed catch two weeks ago and thought to himself “You know what? My quarterback can catch passes too. And he’s going to catch one for a touchdown against the Hoosiers. Up yours, Stanford. Russell Wilson for Heisman.” By the way, I feel obligated to mention the fact that Chode’s All Stars outscored every other team in the league last week. In other words, I beat all of you. Get used to it.

Chode’s All Stars by 52

The Bears Offensive Line (4-1) vs Ron Mexico (3-2)

Well done, both of you. Michael Vick jokes never go out of style, and the actual Bears offensive line has more holes than a Hustler magazine. If you haven’t noticed, this week features 6 cross-divisional matchups in the Sorry For Partying fantasy league. Look for the AFC to sweep all of them. Unless Kenne is an idiot and leaves the inactive Julio Jones in his starting lineup tomorrow. You’re welcome.

Ron Mexico by 5

Mondolockdown (0-5) vs Its on like Ndamukong (4-1)

Really, Brandon? I hope you realize that tanking the fantasy season doesn’t guarantee that you get to draft Andrew Luck next year. On a side note, congratulations, Indianapolis. Not only have you won more games than any other team over the past decade, you managed to put yourself in position to get Peyton Manning 2.0 next April. If you could just figure out the whole “winning in the playoffs” thing, you’d be unstoppable. Also congratulations to Calvin Johnson, who has taken the unofficial title of ‘best receiver in the NFL’ from Andre Johnson. He’s not giving it back anytime soon. Anyways, Brandon loses this one because he’s a dumbass.

Its on like Ndamukong by 81

A-Rod in Wisconsin’s Pants (3-2) vs Donald Drivehers (4-1)

Damn it, Jared. Pay attention. You know how much I hate picking Nate to win, but you leave me no choice. Ugh. Shout out to Anthony Calvillo for breaking professional football’s all-time passing record this week. Yes, he plays in Canada. Don’t judge. Also, best of luck to the North Dakota Mohicans against Cal Poly next week.

Donald Drivehers by 31

Jusitn Forsett Down Her Throat (2-3) vs Jay Cutler’s Low Blood Sugar (1-4)

As much as I wanted to root for the Bears against the Lions last Monday night, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. By the way, I’m headed to Chicago for an interview at Northwestern on Monday. If I can find a Packer tie before then, I’m going to wear it. Chicago really is an awful city. Fuck your Bears, Bulls, Cubs, White Sox, Blackhawks and Wildcats. Dan Persa sucks. Lastly, I hate to admit it, but Andy “the Red Rifle” Dalton might end up being the steal of the 2011 draft. Gingers have souls!

Justin Forsett Down her Throat by 12

No Names (3-2) vs Somewhere over Dwayne Bowe (0-5)

Ok I’ll admit it. I was wrong about Newton. He’s one hell of a football player. Cam has single-handedly revived the Panthers and reminded us all how good Steve Smith can be when he’s not carrying an awful quarterback. Reggie Bush, this is what you were supposed to do for the Saints. Whoops.

No Names by 1

Fuck it. Lets go drink.

ES/FU

-Chode Out.