Chode Picks – Week 10

What’s up, league? Prepare to be delighted by week 10 of the Chode Picks, brought to you by the Second Mile foundation. We’ve got a lot to cover this week, and I’m probably going to run over the character limit again, so let’s get started. First up:

WE ARE… PENN RAPE!
Honestly, when shit like this happens, the Chode Picks pretty much write themselves, so I’d like to thank Paterno and the rest of the gang in Happy Valley for making my job easier this week. In case you’ve been living under a rock for the past week, I’ll fill you in. Joe Paterno (yes, THE Joe Paterno) got busted for raping little boys in the shower*, then last night was dismissed as head football coach. Following the university’s announcement, all hell broke loose on the Penn State campus, as students rioted, turned over cars and tore down lamp posts in support of the disgraced football coach-turned pedophile. The Chode would like to commend the Penn State student body for raising the bar in terms of Big Ten disorganized violence. I really thought that Wisconsin had laid claim to the title of “craziest school in the conference” with the stabbings on last year’s Mifflin Street Block Party, but alas, we have been outdone a mere 6 months later by the Nittany Lions. Challenge accepted, PSU. 

If you had told me at the start of the season that a Big Ten football coach was going to be involved in a sex scandal, and had asked me to pick who, Paterno would have been the last pick by a mile. Honestly, if I found out tomorrow that Bret Bielema, Bo Pelini, Mark Dantonio or Brady Hoke was under investigation for sex with a minor, I wouldn’t doubt it for a second (I know a story about Bielema, but luckily it involves an 18-year old girl rather than a 10-year old boy).

Anyways, this couldn’t come at a better time for the Badgers, who need Penn State to lose once over the next two weeks, and then need to beat the Nittany Lions at home to go to the Big Ten Championship game. I can’t wait to hear the chants directed at the Penn State sideline during that game.

By the way, I want to thank all of you that changed your team names to reference the scandal. It was the biggest story of the year, and you guys nailed it. Well done. Although I think I had the best idea that went unused. I was going to name my team after Jerry Sandusky’s autobiography, which is titled “Touched: the Jerry Sandusky Story”. I wish I was making that up.

*Paterno, Sandusky, same difference

Next topic. You should know what’s coming by now:

TEBOW!!! 
Last week the “worst quarterback ever” ran his record as a starter to 3-2, which is remarkable considering how awful his supporting cast is. This guy might have a future as a quarterback after all. Either that or he’s pulling a Favre by alternating good performances with terrible ones just to stay in the national spotlight. Well done, Timmy. I expect Tebow and the Broncos’ option attack to run all over the Chiefs this week.

Shout out to all of the Packer fans who made the trip to San Diego last Sunday. Seriously, the stadium was almost half-full of the Green and Gold faithful. At one point in the fourth quarter, the Chargers were forced to go to a silent count on offense because the Packer fans were making too much noise. Just call it Lambeau West. And shout out to Aaron Rodgers for rewarding them with yet another near-flawless performance. The defense will catch up eventually. Even if they don’t we can count on our secondary to bail us out because CHARLIE PEPRAH IS A MAN AND WILL SHAKE YOUR HAND FIRMLY. 

No Shave November. Its on. 500 Chode Points to anyone who lasts the entire month. I’m ten days in and I feel like my face is being raped by Chewbacca.

Chode’s All Stars (6-3) vs No Names (5-4)

Booyah. Three wins in a row for Chode’s All Stars. Time to make it four. By the way, this is a special week because not only do we get a chance to witness the Packers take down the Vikings on Monday night, but we’ll also see the Badgers beat the living hell out of the Gophers in Minneapolis. On top of that, one of my friends was dumb enough to make the following bet with me: If the Packers win, he paints a Packer logo on his chest and goes to the bars shirtless. If the Vikings win, I do the same with a Viking logo. Please. Too easy. Also, I give it less than five years before the Vikings move to Los Angeles and the state of Wisconsin declares total victory over Minnesota. Welcome to Packer country, assholes. See the second link below for further proof.

Chodes All Stars by 20
Packers by 17
Badgers by 31

A-Rod in Wisconsin’s Pants (4-5) vs ‘Dusky’s Daycare (2-7)

My apologies, Boom. I’ve been mistakenly referring to you as Kevin for the past 9 weeks. I feel your pain, as there are people who sometimes call me Alex rather than Chode. I have no damn idea who Alex is, but he must be a handsome son of a bitch if people think that we’re the same person. If it makes you feel any better, you’re holding the title for “best fantasy team name” in 2011. Keep up the good work. Unfortunately, your team still sucks, and you’re about to get bent over like a 4th grader in the Penn State locker room.

A-Rod in Wisconsin’s Pants by 42

Justin Forsett Down Her Throat (4-5) vs Pennis Island (5-4)

Man, this is bad. It’s getting to the point where I don’t want to check my fantasy team in public because the team names in the league are so embarrassingly inappropriate. Well, I guess that’s the rest of society’s problem, not mine. Speaking of problems in society, Kim Kardashian filed her divorce papers this week. Shocker. I’ve had one-night stands that lasted longer than her marriage. On the bright side, now NBA players will have something to do during the lockout. Speaking of the lockout, I really think they’re getting close to a deal. Both sides are finally pulling their heads out of their asses and realizing that the percentage points that they’re fighting over are tiny compared to the cost of a lost season. We’ll be watching NBA basketball by Christmas, and watching LeBron win his first of seven* titles in June.

*three

Justin Forsett Down Her Throat by 4

Team Beaupre (7-2) vs Donald Drivehers (8-1)

Booooooo, good fantasy football teams. And screw you for rejecting my generous trade offers, Nate. Eli is better than Brees. Eli is better than Peyton. Eli is the next Joe Namath. Eli Manning will floss with your soul. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. The winner of this game lays claim to the Midseason Championship, and gets 200 Chode Points. And the winner of the Detroit-Chicago game on Sunday lays claim to the title of “third-worst team in the NFC North”. Wear it proudly, Detroit. 

Team Beaupre by 5.7
Detroit by 7

Mondolockdown (1-8) vs sucsex without honor (2-7)

Let’s be honest: nobody cares who wins this game. Moving on.

From Penn State to State Pen (6-3) vs Its on like Ndamukong (4-5)

Holy shit Dave, that is an awesome picture. Solid team, too. Eric, on the other hand, has fallen off a cliff after starting the season 4-0. I don’t think I could lose 5 games in a row if I tried, but congrats, dude. Also, congrats to the Menomonie Mustangs for kicking Marshfield’s ass to advance to the state semifinals against #1 ranked Waunakee. If (when) Menomonie advances to the state finals in Madison, the Chode will be covering the game. I’ve been waiting for this for a while James, don’t screw it up. Give ‘em hell. One last piece of advice: KNOCK THE EFFING BALL DOWN!

From Penn State to State Pen by 19
Menomonie by 14

BONUS PICKS!!!

Stanford (8-0) vs Oregon (7-1)

The last time I picked against Andrew Luck, he tore apart Virginia Tech in the Orange Bowl and made me look like an idiot. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on you again, dick. I love my ducks.

Oregon by 3

NBA Owners (1-0) vs NBA Players (0-1)

You’ve already won, Stern. Don’t hang on the rim. Just take the 50-50 split with luxury tax exceptions and lets play some damn basketball.

NBA Owners by $266,000,000

I almost forgot to mention, the Chode will be at Lambeau Field on Monday night to cover the Packer game. Apparently, the Chode Picks are big enough that I can apply for a press pass and get into NFL games for free. That’s a lie. Truthfully, one of my roommates won two free tickets in a raffle at a bar last night. The lesson from this? Going to a bar on Wednesday night doesn’t make you an alcoholic, it makes you a shrewd consumer. Take notes, fellas.

Congratulations to the North Dakota Redmen for defeating Sioux Falls, 15-13 last week.

I’m thinking about getting a Twitter account for the Chode Picks. I’d like to expand my brand a bit. The only problem is, I don’t know what Twitter is, or how to use it. Help would be appreciated.

Random question: who’s uglier, Jay Cutler or Ben Roethlisberger?

Another random question: If an older woman who goes after young guys is called a cougar, what do you call an old man who goes after young boys?
A Nittany Lion.

-Chode Out.