And we’re back. Welcome to the 11th edition of the extraordinary 6th season of the Chode Picks, brought to you by Duck Sauce. I apologize for not getting the picks out on Thursday afternoon like usual, but I just got done pulling a Sandusky on my analytical chemistry exam and didn’t have time to prepare a whole lot for the Picks. We’ll make it work.
It was a great week to be a football fan in Wisconsin, as both the Wisconsin Badgers and Green Bay Packers pounded the living hell out of their Minnesotan counterparts. As previously mentioned, the Chode was in attendance at the Monday Night Football matchup between the Packers and the Vikings. To sum it up briefly: it was AWESOME. A lot of fans hope for a close contest when they go to a game, but personally, I’d rather see the Packers beat the piss out of whoever is foolish enough to walk into Lambeau Field. Up until this week, the Packers hadn’t played a full on, start to finish kick-ass game yet this season. We finally saw what the Green Bay Packers are capable, and it couldn’t have come at a better time than on national TV against the Vikings. Sitting in the north end zone and watching Randall Cobb return his first punt 80 yards for a score was one of the best fan moments I’ve ever experienced. (I’ll forgive his fumble, even if it cost us a shutout. Rookie mistake.) Even after the game was decided sometime in the second quarter, the Lambeau faithful still made life miserable for the Vikings’ offense and erupted with every Packer touchdown. Also, Matt “Matty Ice” Flynn made the Chode look like a prophet by accomplishing more in one fourth-quarter possession than Christian Ponder did all game. If you’re not a believer yet, you will be when McCarthy sits Rodgers for the last two games of the season and Flynn tears apart Chicago and Detroit to cap off a 16-0 season. Also, it was nice to see the defense play to their potential for the first time all season. As for Aaron Rodgers, I’m running out of superlatives. The English language doesn’t have words strong enough to describe the level of awesomeness that radiates from no. 12 when he steps onto a football field. Men wish they could be him, women wish they could be with him, and 10 year old Viking fans weep with the realization that they will never, ever get to cheer for an athlete like him (see the second link below).
In all the excitement over the Green and Gold, it’s almost easy to forget the other half of Wisconsin domination this weekend: the Badger football team. With a 42-13 victory over the Minnesota Golden Gophers on Saturday, the Badgers asserted themselves as the team to beat in the Big 10 Leaders (ugh) Division. With both Penn Rape and Ohio State losing on the same day, Wisconsin now controls its own destiny in the Big Ten title race. If (when) we win out, we will earn a trip to Pasadena once again. More importantly, the dual football victories, added to the Brewers’ regular season sweep of the Twins allows the state of Wisconsin to declare TOTAL VICTORY over the state of Minnesota until next fall. Gophuck yourselves, Minnesota. Fuck your Vikings, fuck your Twins, fuck your Timberwolves, fuck your Golden Gophers, and fuck your 10,000 lakes. That’s 8 years in a row we’ve had the Axe. And let’s be honest; the Vikings will relocate before they win a Super Bowl. Just go ahead and secede to Canada already. You won’t be missed.
Another thing I noticed on Monday night: nobody believes in the Green Bay Packers like Vikings fans do. It seemed like every fan dressed in purple and gold had already resigned themselves to defeat before they entered the stadium. This inferiority complex is undoubtedly a product of watching the Packers claim 4 Super Bowl titles since 1960, while the Vikings have repeatedly let them down on the biggest stage. Also, I think it’s pretty clear at this point that James Starks is a better player then Adrian Pedestrian. Despite sharing the ball with Ryan Grant, Starks outgained Peterson on fewer carries. It was even more obvious in person that AP is past his prime, while Starks is just entering his.
Shit, I’m over 4,000 characters already, and we haven’t even gotten to the Picks.
Montee Ball for Heisman.
Chode’s All Stars (6-4) vs Chode’s Shortcomings (7-3)
Good joke, Dave. The Chode has no shortcomings. At least that’s what your mother told me last night. You’re welcome. Speaking of shortcomings, Jim Caldwell. I’m not sure which is more certain this year: the Packers going 19-0 or the Colts going 0-16. We could be simultaneously witnessing the greatest and worst football teams in the history of the NFL, and for that we should all be grateful. By the way, soon-to-be Colt Andrew Luck looked strangely human last week as the Oregon Ducks destroyed the Stanford Cardinal. I’m not going to say that I told you so (even though I totally did), but this guy may not be worth throwing an entire season after all. Also, I can’t wait to watch the Badgers play the Ducks in the Rose Bowl, especially since both offenses could score on most NFL teams. It’s the matchup I’ve been waiting to see for almost two years. Don’t kid yourself Oregon, you’re not passing Alabama for the #2 spot. See you in Pasadena.
Chode’s All Stars by 41
Givin it to the Tate (6-4) vs No Names (6-4)
Not bad, Kenne. I appreciate that you made the effort to change your team name before I started writing the Picks on Thursday. But I have nothing to say about either of your teams, because they’re both 6-4, and 6-4 is boring. So instead, I’m going to tell you about the fantastic stroke of luck that I’ve been bestowed with. You see, not only was I fortunate enough to go to the Monday Night game this past week, I also have a ticket to this week’s game on Sunday against the Buccaneers. If you’re scoring at home, that means that I’m going to get to witness two of the Packers’ 19 wins in person this season. I can literally feel your jealousy bleeding through my computer screen. And someday, when I launch my dual professional career as a physician/sportswriter, I’ll go to all 16 of them. That’s why you all need to add more members to the Chode Picks. So I can get famous and go to Packer games for free. Stanton set up a Twitter account for the Picks this week, but I unfortunately don’t have a smart phone, so I have no idea what the hell I’m going to do with it. So I decided to turn it over to you guys. The username is: chodepicks and the password is: clamchoder. Go ahead and do whatever the hell you want with it. Thanks in advance.
Givin it to the Tate by 14
Its on like Ndamukong (4-6) vs Team Beaupre (7-3)
Eric. You have lost six (six!) games in a row, after starting 4-0. Your season is falling apart faster than the Detroit Lions’. Pull your shit together. It might be tough against Team Beaupre this week, but I expect you to at least give him a hell of a game. If you have time to write 10 tweets a day, you have time to set your fantasy lineup. This league will fall apart if people stop giving a shit about their teams.
Team Beaupre by 7
Oh my goodness. I just watched the Jets-Broncos highlights. TEEEEEEEEBOOOOOOOWWWWWWW!!!!!!
Donald Drivehers (9-1) vs Mondolockdown (1-9)
Well, since we all know who’s going to win this game, lets have a moment of silence for the lost NBA season. Congratulations Billy Hunter, you’re in the lead for Chode’s annual Douche of the Year award. You had a chance to salvage the NBA season, but you decided to turn it down in favor of a long-drawn out court battle instead. Way to go, jackass. What the hell am I going to watch after the NFL season is over? The sad truth is, the owners and players had come so close to a deal, just to have negotiations break down over a few trivial issues, and now an entire season is going to be lost, along with billions of dollars of revenue and tens of thousands of jobs generated by professional basketball. This was the equivalent of a football team driving from the shadow of their own end zone all the way to the opponents 2-yard line, and then kneeling down four times and turning the ball over. Thanks for wrecking my winter and spring. To be completely honest, I think that this whole ordeal is probably just be an elaborate conspiracy to keep LeBron from winning a title. Or at least that’s what I’ve been telling myself. Damn it. All I wanted was an exciting basketball team to watch, because the Badgers and Bucks are both as exciting as watching paint dry, or in the immortal words of Kenne Koehler “like watching another guy jerk off”. Well said.
Donald Drivehers by 60
Sucsex without honor (3-7) vs A-Rod in Wisconsin’s Pants (5-5)
Shout out to the North Dakota Chiefs for defeating rival UC-Davis 14-7 last week. Double shout out to the Chode Picks’ own Jon Heimler for scoring the game-winning touchdown in the 4th quarter. I’m sure it was really difficult to catch a pass against defensive backs that apparently couldn’t play for Stanford, USC, UCLA, Cal, San Diego State, Fresno State, San Jose State, or Cal Poly. With a win against South Dakota this week and a with a Cal Poly loss to Southern Alabama, North Dakota will clinch their first Great West Conference title since forever. On a sadder note, the Menomonie Mustangs lost their state semifinal game against Waunakee, 19-21 last Saturday night. Once again, Menomonie’s lack of a reliable kicking game came back to bite them in the ass. The Chode would like to extend his sincerest condolences to the 2011 Menomonie football team. However, you’ll soon learn that there is life after high school football. As you go off to college, you’ll realize that the guys that brag about winning a state championship in high school are generally douchebags, and not the kind of people you want to be around. And honestly, if winning in high school football ends up being the greatest thing you accomplish in life, well then you seriously fucked up. Trust me, losing that game will make you better off in the long run. Also, now you get to drink without feeling guilty about it.
A-Rod in Wisconsin’s Pants by 12
‘Dusky’s Daycare (2-8) vs I Plaxidentally Shot Myself (4-6)
A bit dated Dan, but not bad. Unfortunately for you, Mark Sanchez royally screwed your fantasy team tonight. That reminds me: who the hell thought that putting a Sanchez-Tebow matchup on prime time TV was a good idea? One is a complete football moron and doesn’t care, while the other has absolutely no throwing ability. Of all the quarterback pairings the NFL could have picked to foster a high-scoring, entertaining game, this is the best they could do? Really? Just think how awful it would have been if Kyle Orton was still starting for Denver. That brings me to another startling realization: every single quarterback that comes out of Chicago’s offense is fucking terrible. Think about it. Cade McNown, Rex Grossman, Jim Miller, Shane Matthews, Craig Krenzel, Kyle Orton and now Jay Cutler. Just call it the quarterback carousel from hell.
I Plaxidentally Shot Myself by 8
I’d like to extend a warm welcome to all of the new members added over the past couple of weeks. I hope you’re enjoying the Chode Picks. If not, piss off. I spend a lot of time on these.
Well there you have it. The longest edition of Chode Picks in my six years of writing them. Now, prepare to have your minds blown by the Big Bad Wolf.
-Chode Out.
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