Chode Picks – NBA Semifinals

Editor’s note: this is the first editon of the Chode Picks that I’ve written completely hammered (honestly Mom, stop reading now. For your sanity). I apologize for any grammatical errors or strange rants. Bear with me.

Coming to you LIVE from Madison, Wisconsin, welcome to the third edition of the NBA/NHL Playoff Chode Picks!! It’s been a long two weeks, with graduation and a full round of NBA/NHL playoffs elapsing since we’ve last met. I’m literally bursting at the balls with creative juices, so let’s get into it. 
First up: “Graduation”. Also known as, the day of your life where the Chancellor hands you your “dipoma”, which is supposed to pay off for all of the hard “work” and “money” that you’ve put in over the past four “years”. Then you get to listen to a graduation ”speech”, in which a few “professors” and “fellow students” tell you how you probably won’t be able to get a “job” afterwards. I’m not going to lie to you, but I stopped listening after the first two sentences of our graduation “speech”, for the following reasons:
1) If there’s one thing I hate in life, it’s listening to “people” tell me that I’m not going to “succeed”. 
2) If there’s another thing that I hate in life, it’s listening to a “professor” tell me how they don’t get enough “compensation” to work at a great “university” such as “The University of Wisconsin”
3) If there’s one more thing that I hate, it’s listening to some dumbass “com-arts” major tell me that we’ve been “screwed” by our previous generations, because…
4) Our grandparents fought in the fucking WORLD WARS that let us live in a country that allows us to live a life of privilege and complain about it today. And…
5) I’m sorry, but if you wasted four years getting a “degree” that’s not going to help you in the rest of your life, it’s your own damn fault. And don’t even get me started on the “Occupy Wall Street” idiots. It’s like they think there’s some asshole in a three-piece suit standing in the top of a high-rise building smoking a Cuban cigar, laughing and raping the Statue of Liberty. You’re protesting against someone who doesn’t exist. If that’s not a recipe for failure, I don’t know what is. Don’t blame your failures on people who are successful.
I’m sorry. I had to get that rant off of my chest. Regardless, it’s time to recap my own experience during UW-Madison’s graduation weekend, or as I like to call it: three of the most awesome days of Chode’s life. Let me explain.
In a cruel twist of fate, my very last exam of my undergraduate career fell on Friday, May 18, the day before my graduation. Now, as you all probably know, Friday follows immediately after Thursday night, which is one of the three great party nights at any college. So I had a bit of a dilemma on my hands. Do I stay home and study on the last Thursday night of my undergraduate career, or do I go get hammered and hope for the best the next day? If you’ve been reading the Chode Picks for long enough, you know the answer to that question already. I woke up at 3:00 PM the next day, with my Physical Chemistry final exam starting in two hours. After chugging a liter of Gatorade and glancing over my notes again, I staggered to Bascom Hall for the final exam of the four-year adventure that I call “college”. During the actual exam, I could barely make sense of the test questions, and flat-out didn’t answer any on the last page because I was just too damn hungover. Afterwards, I did what any other reasonable college senior does after completing their college career: take a few shots, then go out and play drinking games until 7:00 AM the next day. Needless to say, the graduation ceremony at 9:00 was a bit rough. Regardless, I sat their and listened to all of their bullshit until it was my time to cross the stage, at which point I promptly Tebowed before the Chancellor before taking my “diploma” from his old, wrinkled fingers. Later that day, I checked my exam score online, fearing for the worst. If you’ve read the Chode Picks for long enough, you can probably guess the result. Did I get an A? OF COURSE I GOT A FUCKING A!! Up yours, Professor Knowles. Feeling invincible with this knowledge, I felt like treating myself to another 7:00 AM drinking binge (thanks to Garrison Draves for obliging me on both nights). After sleeping until 4:00PM the next day, I realized that with school done, I had no responsibilities until Wednesday, a full 72 hours in the future. Combined with the understanding that my good friends Justin and Kieran were leaving for Europe the next morning, I made the executive decision that staying up and partying until 7:00AM with them until their flight was the best possible option. Yo soy fiesta. Here’s an actual exchange that occurred between and some random girl that happened to be up at 6:00AM outside of my apartment on the second night:

Chode: What’s your name?
Random Girl: Rachel
Chode: Not important. Do you want to stay up and play drinking games until 7:00?
Random Girl: Sure! Let’s play a card game!!
Chode: I don’t have any cards, and I doubt that you’re intelligent enough to count to 14 anyways.
Random Girls: Why not?
Chode: You look like you have fetal alcohol syndrome.
Fetal Alcohol Victim: What’s that? I drink a lot.
Chode: Not surprised.
Fetal Alcohol Victim: Come on, let’s play!
Chode: I’d like to strap you to my face and say the alphabet

She left shortly afterwards. Totally worth it. I’m going to keep using that line until it works. Needless to say, after my three-day drinking spree (which shall be henceforth be referred to as “the Graduation Bender”), I slept for most of the next 24 hours. Also, the three nights after that, I snuck into the Kohl Center, which completed my trifecta of historic UW buildings (Camp Randall, Bascom Hall and the Kohl Center). I even have a UW men’s practice basketball to prove it (know it’s a men’s ball because it’s too big for me to palm it). Anyways, enough with my narcissistic rants. Let’s get to sports. First up, the National Hockey League. You know, that sport full of fat Canadians with three teeth. I’m pretty sure they don’t even aim when they slap that pathetic, weird-shaped ball towards the net. Regardless, I’m contractually obligated to write about them, so here goes.

LOS ANGELES KINGS vs NEW JERSEY DEVILS

The Los Angeles Kings have won 12 games during this postseason, while losing just two. The New Jersey Devils have a 12-5 record during the same span. On paper, this looks like a huge mismatch. To be honest, it probably is. But for the life of me, I cannot pick a team from Los Angeles to win Lord Stanley’s Cup. And besides that, this is Wisconsin, where nobody gives a shit about hockey anyways. So I’m picking the Devils, if only because Ilya Kovalchuk is the best remaining player in the league. Also, I would feel much better about a team from New Jersey (who has never won a championship in any major sport) winning than a team from that awful fucking city from California. Seriously. Los Angeles is probably the most disgusting warm-weather city in the United States. Don’t ever go there, unless you’re flying in to watch the Badgers in the Rose Bowl next year. Which brings me to my next point…

Devils in seven.

Danny O’Brien. Daniel fucking O’Brien. Many of you are probably familiar with the Wisconsin quarterback who transferred from Maryland this offseason, but you might not know that that man is actually the second-most awesome Dan O’Brien in this country. The real DOB is actually an internet comedy writer for the website Cracked.com, and is one of the greatest writers I have ever seen. In case you’ve missed out on his brilliance over the past three years, I’ve attached one of his better articles at the end of this post. Anyways, I couldn’t be more thrilled that the Badger’s starting quarterback next season bears the same name. Ever since he transferred, every pundit on ESPN has been ripping into him, saying that “he’s not the next Russell Wilson”. You know what? They’re right. There will only be one Russell Wilson, ever. And that’s totally fine. Our offense is built for an experienced, accurate pocket passer anyways, which is exactly what DOB brings to the table. I cannot wait for Montee, DOB and company to lead us to a third consecutive Rose Bowl. You heard it here first.

So, who else is excited to see Men In Black III? Anybody? Alright, I guess I’m the only one. Fine. Let’s get to basketball.

WESTERN CONFERENCE FINALS

SAN ANTIONIO SPURS vs OKLAHOMA CITY THUNDER

The Spurs have won 18 games in a row dating back to the regular season. The Thunder have won eight out of nine possible games in the playoffs, with the only loss coming against Kobe and the Lakers, and swept the defending champions in the process (fuck you, Dirk). This is going to be one hell of a series. Youth vs experience. Kevin Durant, Russell Westbrook and James Harden’s Beard vs Tony Parker, Tim Duncan and Manu Ginobli. Athleticism and great shooting vs team play and good coaching. A vicious home court advantage in OKC vs …. well, San Antonio. The entire country rooting for the Thunder vs certain parts of Texas rooting for the Spurs. Okay, those matchups kind of fell apart at the end. I’m sorry. But the truth is, as badly as everyone wants to see Kevin Durant win (by the way, he’s not the best player on his team), you never bet against a team on an 18-GAME WINNING STREAK! ESPECIALLY NOT AGAINST A TEAM THAT JUST SWEPT CHRIS “POINT GOD” PAUL’S TEAM! And especially not against a team coached by Greg Popovich. Sorry Thunder Alley, maybe next year. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll be rooting for the Thunder in this series, for a few reasons. First because I love the idea of a young team with a ravenous fan base making it to the championship round. Second because I have a massive man-crush on both Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook. Third because damn it, Oklahoma City reminds me of Green Bay, and I’m a little bit jealous that they’re not my team. Finally, because I want to root for any team that makes Andrew Bynum look like a little bitch. The truth is though, the 2012 Spurs might be one of the greatest NBA teams of all-time. I hate to admit it because they’re boring, but it’s true. 

Spurs in six.

EASTERN CONFERENCE FINALS

MIAMI HEAT vs BOSTON GERIATRICS

Please. The real Eastern Conference finals concluded two nights ago when D-Wade and LeBron finished their evisceration of the second-best team in the East, the Indiana Pacers. Let me take a second to applaud the Pacers for their valiant effort. And let me take another second to punch Frank Vogel in the dick for ordering all of those blatant cheap-shot fouls on LeBron and Wade. In game six, both Danny Granger and David West tried to put hard fouls on LeBron charging into the lane, only to injure themselves in the process and subsequently hand the series to the Heat. Lesson learned: DO NOT FUCK WITH LEBRON AND WADE OR YOU WILL GET UDONIS HASLEM AND DEXTER PITTMAN SMASHING YOUR FACE IN! Luckily, LeBron and Wade long ago learned that they’re both way too valuable to their team to commit a cheap foul and get tossed from a game. The Pacers have yet to learn this lesson. However, Larry Bird’s thugs did accomplish one thing in that horribly one-sided series: they injured Chris Bosh. A lot of fuss has been made about injuries affecting the quality of this season’s playoffs, but it’s clear that Bosh’s abdominal strain has been the single most devastating injury to any team in the league this year. After all, the Heat only beat the Pacers by an average of ten points per game. With Bosh, that could have easily been a 40-point margin. In summary, fuck Indiana. With LeBron and Wade playing the way they are, they won’t need Bosh to dispose of the Celtics anyways. Some critics have publicly wondered if the superstar duo can keep performing at this pace, and unfortunately for the rest of the NBA, the answer is yes, they can. Right now, they’re the best two players on the league, and it’s going to stay that way for at least another series. Deal with it, America. I don’t care what Bill Simmons says (I was going to go off on a rant about his biased website, but then I realized that I have absolutely no right to get angry about someone making outrageous claims on the internet). KG is old, Ray Allen is even older, Paul Pierce is a shell of his former self, and Rondo can’t beat us by himself (crossing fingers).

Heat in six.

Random rant about Skip “I don’t actually watch basketball” Bayless: After the Heat’s game six domination of the Pacers, in which Wade scored 41 and LeBron scored “only” 28, Skip went on to proclaim that LeBron will “always be Robin to Wade’s Batman”. Really, Skip? So LeBron’s 48-18-9 game (one of the greatest playoff performances in NBA HISTORY) four nights earlier didn’t count? Open your damn eyes. The truth is, there is no Batman and Robin dynamic on this team. It’s more like Batman and Superman on the same team. Wade is Batman, and LeBron is Superman (insert your own fourth-quarter kryptonite joke here). Damn. Now I realize why everyone else roots for them to lose. Check out the first link below for more “First Take” madness, starring the one and only Stephen A. Smith.

Also, fuck you Kenne for sending me a mocking “Heat in five” text after they went down 2-1 in the last series. You claimed the Bulls as your team earlier in the year, so deal with the repercussions of your poor decision (Chicago!?!? Really??).

Wow. I just switched from single-spaced to double spaced on Word. Ten pages. That’s more than I’ve written for any paper in my college career. Priorities. Also, I think I wrote this whole thing drunk in two hours without any spelling errors. Hooray for me.

Anyways, it’s five o’clock in the morning, I’m tired, and I have to work tomorrow.

Two more things:

- YOLO!!!!!
- YO SOY FIESTA!!!!!!!!

- Chode Out.

Chode Picks – NBA Quarterfinals

Welcome back friends and family, to the second edition of the first-ever NBA Playoff season of the Chode Picks! What a difference two weeks makes. The last time I sat down to write the Picks, I was staring down a week full of exams and papers due, followed by the promise of Mifflin weekend at the end of the tunnel. This week, after conquering the necessary schoolwork and surviving the block party, I have almost no actual work to do, with only one lab report and one exam standing between me and graduation. Considering that the exam isn’t until next Thursday, and I fully intend to use my patented strategy of ‘plagiarize-and-paraphrase’ on the lab report, I’ve got more than enough time to devote to the Chode Picks. I might even include a little hockey analysis this time (you’re welcome, Scotty). Anyways, there’s a lot I want to write about this week, so let’s get started.

First off, time to recap the madness that was last weekend. Mifflin 2012, also known as “Cinco de Mifflin”, or “Cinco de Drinko”, or “the one day of the year that I don’t try to set Mexicans on fire”. I started off the morning the right way, by eating a pound of bacon and chasing it with a liter of beer. Next came the traditional Mifflin keg race (note: does not involve any actual athletic activity) followed by shots of Patron and a solid, 6-hour blackout. I really wish I could remember what the hell happened to me from noon to 6 PM, but judging from the pictures of me flipping over tables and climbing onto my roof, it seems like I had an awesome time. Unfortunately, the actual block party itself was marred by police intervention. I don’t know what the hell their problem was, but it seemed like the city of Madison had imported the entire Menomonie Police Department for a weekend. The pigs were slapping cuffs on anyone they could find committing any infraction at all. I honestly saw a girl get a ticket for jaywalking. JAYWALKING! Are you fucking kidding me? I understand the resentment that some officers must have towards us students, since most of them weren’t smart enough to go to college and we get to enjoy four years of bliss here at UW, but damn, chill the fuck out. The following exchange I had with a cop in my friend’s backyard perfectly summed up the relationship between the students and officers.

Officer: [riding through yard on a horse] Alright, let’s see some IDs
Chode: [glares at officer]
Officer: [horse is now shitting] What the hell’s your problem, kid?
Chode: Fuck you and the horse you rode in on.

They even arrested Montee Ball for trespassing, which raises two important questions:
1) Who was the asshole that told the cops Montee wasn’t welcome on their porch?
2) If this had happened at an SEC school, would the cop have been fired before he could finish writing the ticket?

Also, Patrick Kane of the Chicago Blackhawks was there. Like a typical Chicagoan, he made an ass of himself and got thrown out of a party for choking a sorority girl.

By the way, you’re an idiot for not coming, Sawle.

Ugh. Alright, time to write about that boring sport on ice that requires no athletic ability whatsoever.

Western Conference Finals: PHOENIX COYOTES vs LOS ANGELES KINGS

Yes, you read that correctly. One of the teams playing for the Stanley Cup this year will be from either Arizona or southern California. If I’m going to pretend to care about hockey, it would at least be nice if the teams were from cold-weather cities. Take last year for example. As much as I despise Boston sports teams, I could respect their victory since their fans have to live in snow for 4 months out of the year. Hockey, like football, is meant to be played outside in the cold. Anyways, I’m taking the Coyotes here based on my one rule of picking hockey games: take the team with the better goalie. Mike Smith has been fantastic this postseason.

Coyotes in seven

Eastern Conference Semifinals: WASHINGTON CAPITALS vs NEW YORK RANGERS

First off, this has been one HELL of a series. After losing a triple-overtime contest in game 4 and basically giving away game 5, Washington battled back to force a game 7. Unfortunately, I don’t get to watch it because I work all day tomorrow. Anyways, I think this game will be won or lost by the play of Alex Ovechkin. He’s the best player in the world, but seems to disappear at times. For a long time, I though that Ovechkin was the LeBron of the NHL, but then this season LeBron became super-effcient and consistent while Ovechkin looked strangely human. Still, if he’s on his game, the Capitals can beat anybody. If he’s not, their season will probably end tomorrow. Also, the winner of this game faces the New Jersey Devils in the Eastern Conference Finals, but I didn’t feel like writing about them because I was rooting for Philadelphia.

Capitals in seven

Enough hockey. Time for the offseason NFL update.

Congratualtions to the Minnesota Vikings on finally completing a stadium deal that will allow the team to continue to get their asses beat in the NFC North until at least 2042. When the highlight of your sports year is finding out that your team isn’t being moved to California, you must be from Minnesota. When the news broke yesterday, one of my roommates, a long-suffering Minnesotan, nearly shit himself with excitement. For the purposes of the Chode Picks, I’ll refer to him as Jake, because that’s his name.

Jake: HEY!! Guess what’s NOT happening?
Chode: The Twins getting 30 wins this year?
Jake: The Vikings moving to L.A.! They finished the stadium deal!
Chode: Congratulations. Welcome to another decade of mediocrity.
Jake: Oh, really? How about THREE decades of mediocrity? 30-year lease, bitch!
Chode: Touche.

Just how bad has it been for Minnesota sports? Let’s recap the past year or so. First, the Twins go from 90+ wins two years ago to 99 losses last season, along with a devastating concussion to Justin Morneau (that he might never fully recover from, sadly). Then the Vikings finish 3-13, winning just one too many games to draft Andrew Luck or Robert Griffin III. Adrian Peterson and Ricky Rubio both suffer ACL tears, and Kevin Love’s best season ever gets rudely interrupted by a concussion. The Golden Gopher football team wins just three of nine games, while new coach Jerry Kill has not one, but TWO seizures on the sidelines. The Gopher basketball team loses their best player to yet another ACL tear early in the season. Finally, the Wild started off well enough to get fans’ hopes up, before collapsing and missing the playoffs. The lone bright spot was the Lynx winning the WNBA championship. Unfortunately, in this day and age, winning a women’s professional sports title is like tying for an actual man-sports championship. You could say it’s like kissing your nappy-headed sisters. This is what happens when you sign Brett Favre, assholes.

In the meantime, the Packers won a Super Bowl and went 15-2 the next season, while the Badgers won consecutive Big Ten football championships and made it to the sweet sixteen twice in a row in basketball. The Brewers won a division championship and Ryan Braun won the MVP. Also, the Miami Heat signed the best player in the world, made it to the Finals, and appear to be poised to finish the job this season. In summary, ALL OF MY TEAMS ARE MUCH BETTER THAN YOURS! I couldn’t have drawn it up any better.

Anyways, in my mind Minnesota has gone from public enemy number one to the doormat that I don’t even feel like ripping into anymore. When your chief rival gets to be this pathetic, there’s only one course of action to take: find a new enemy. Enter Chicago. I fucking hate that city. Between their five major sports teams, there’s more than enough to make for a replacement to Minnesota. Fortunately, most Chicago teams are actually good enough to compete with my teams. The Bears were surging last season until injuries to Jay Cutler and Matt Forte shot them in the foot, while the Bulls…. Hold on. I need to savor this for a minute.

THE BULLS ARE OUT OF THE PLAYOFFS!! THE BULLS ARE OUT OF THE PLAYOFFS!! JOAKIM NOAH HAS HEAD LICE!! DERRICK ROSE’S KNEE IS MADE OF GLASS!! TOM THIBODEAU HAS NO FUCKING IDEA HOW TO KEEP HIS PLAYERS HEALTHY!! ANDRE IGUODALA IS KEYSER SOZE!! THE HEAT HAVE A CLEAR PATH TO THE NBA FINALS!!!

Yes. And that brings me back to the NBA. Now that the Eastern Conference has wrapped up the first round, it’s time to take a look at the contenders, pretenders, and wildcards left in the mix. Here we go!

Western Conference Semifinals: LOS ANGELES CLIPPERS vs SAN ANTIONIO SPURS

Yes, I’m making the questionable assumption that the Clippers can finish off the Grizzlies with injuries to their two best players. Why? Because when you make a pick, you stick to it, no matter how bad it might look in retrospect. And because Clipper fans, despite living in Los Angeles, are really good at their jobs. They create the kind of hostile environment that the Staples Center hasn’t seen since the days of Magic Johnson. They deserve to win at least one playoff series. Also, an injured Chris Paul is still better than anybody in Memphis. If you haven’t been watching this series, you’ve missed out on the greatest point guard play the world has seen since Isaiah Thomas. In fact, I’m not even going to call Paul a point guard anymore. He’s invented his own position. From this point on, he will be referred to as Chris Paul: Point God. LeBron is still the best player in the NBA, but after watching CP3 this past week, it’s a lot closer than I thought. Unfortunately, as good as Chris Paul: Point God is, he’s still being coached by Vinny Del Negro. Against Greg Popovich’s Spurs. Dear Lord, this series is going to be a massacre.

Spurs in five

Western Conference Semifinals: OKLAHOMA CITY THUNDER vs LOS ANGELES LAKERS

Yes, I know the Lakers haven’t beaten the Nuggets yet, but let’s be real. They’re far too talented to lose in the first round. I’ll still be rooting for Denver, mostly because I hate Laker fans, and also because it would be awesome if Carmelo’s former team went farther than the Knicks, but at the end of the day, we all know that the Lakers are better. That being said, they’re going to get mauled by the Thunder. In the first round of the NBA playoffs, it became obvious that there are three teams playing on a different level right now: San Antonio, Oklahoma City, and Miami. This series is just a tune-up for the upcoming seven-game bloodbath between the Spurs and Thunder. Also, James Harden needs to knock Ron Artest on his ass at least once.
Side note: you’ve all seen Kevin Durant’s new Sprint commercial right? The one where he says “I was double-teamed, and had no one to pass to”, before a clip of him hitting a game-winning shot? Yeah, sorry Kevin, but I’m calling bullshit. Want to know why? Because if you’re double-teamed, THERE HAS TO BE SOMEBODY OPEN TO PASS TO!! It leaves three guys to guard four! Unless your teammates are fucking morons and all stand in the same place, somebody is wide open. So pass the damn ball, Kevin. Don’t be a hero.

Thunder in six

Eastern Conference Semifinals: BOSTON CELTICS vs PHILADELPHIA 76ERS

First off, if you haven’t seen it yet, go watch the end of game 7 between the Bulls and 76ers. I’ll wait. Fine, I know you’re too lazy to look it up, so I’ll break it down for you. The Bulls trusted a gangly white dude to seal up the series for them, which predictably didn’t work, and then Andre Iguodala killed the dinosaurs. It was awesome. In an incredible stroke of luck, I was actually talking to a cute girl from Chicago at bar in Madison during the end of the game.

Chode: Hey, I don’t know if you noticed, but there are only eight seconds left in your team’s season.
Girl: What? We’re winning by one and shooting free throws!
Chode: Just watch.
(Iguodala grabs the rebound, sprints downcourt, gets fouled and hits the winning free throws)
Chode: IGGY!!
Girl: What the fuck?
Chode: Sucks to suck. Hey, at least the Cubs are doing really well.
Girl: Oh, you asshole. I wish I could slap you right now.
Chode: I’d like to strap you to my face and say the alphabet.

She left shortly after. Totally worth it. Anyways, I’m taking the Sixers in this series too, for two reasons. First, they have the best player (Iguodala, who should make the Olympic team this summer, and if he doesn’t I’m going to be kind of pissed), and second, they have all the confidence in the world right now. They just knocked off the #1 seed. They’ve got the “nobody believed in us!” factor going, and their youth and speed matches them up really well with the Boston Geriatrics. Regardless, the winner of this series gets the honor of losing to Miami in the Eastern Conference Finals.

76ers in seven

Eastern Conference Semifinals: MIAMI HEAT vs INDIANA PACERS

Frank Vogel, you are an idiot. The only chance the Pacers had in this series was to lay low and hope that the Heat would underestimate them, then somehow steal four games with hot shooting and good defense. Yesterday, I would have given them a 10 percent chance of pulling it off, but today, Indiana head coach went on a popular Miami sports radio show (Dan LeBatard’s to be specific. He’s really good, and if you’ve got time, you should check out his YouTube videos), and called the Heat “the biggest flopping team in the NBA”. Wow. If there’s anything worse than having to play against LeBron James and Dwyane Wade in the playoffs, it’s having to play against a pissed-off LeBron James and Dwyane Wade in the playoffs. As much as I admire how Indiana has built a contender through defense, chemistry and unselfishness, they’re going down like a blind lesbian in a fish market. Up yours, Frank.

Heat in five

A few more thoughts before we wrap it up:

- John Elway is going to deeply regret trading Tebow. If he improved that much over the course of one season, can you imagine what he can do with an entire offseason of work? There’s absolutely no reason that they couldn’t have signed Manning and kept Tebow as their quarterback of the future. I can’t wait for the day that Tebow leads the Jets to a playoff win over Denver. You know it’s coming.
- Literally one day after I posted the last edition of the Chode Picks, I ran into Mike Bruesewitz at another bar. He did not apologize, nor did he offer to buy me a drink. The curse of the Brueser lives on.
- Charles Barkley deserved to win an Emmy about as much as Obama deserved to win the Nobel Peace Prize
- I don’t like to write about politics a lot in the Chode Picks, but if you’re a democrat, why the hell would you want Tom Barrett to run against Scott Walker again? Losing once wasn’t enough?
- CREVICE FOR LIFE!!

This edition of the Chode Picks was brought to you by Yamaha.

Chode Picks - NBA Playoffs Round 1

Hide your daughters and shoot your sons, the Chode is back in business!! After a painful three-month hiatus, the Chode Picks have made their triumphant return to add to your end-of-semester apathy. I don’t know if I can express how frustrating the last twelve weeks have been, without an outlet to express my creative genius. It’s been like three months of mental blue balls, if that makes any sense. Taking the analogy way too far, that means that writing the Picks is equivalent to my creative ejaculation, of which you are all the lucky recipients (Mom, I’m truly sorry for that analogy. You might want to stop reading).

Anyways, you might be wondering what I’m going to be writing about, since there’s no football to speak of until August. The answer is simple: NBA and NHL playoffs. With the first round of the NHL’s tournament coming to a close and the NBA postseason starting this Saturday, now is as good of a time as ever to start the picks up again. Also, I’ll be focusing more on the NBA, since I can’t take any professional league seriously that has multiple franchises in Canada. So go ahead and take a moment to prepare yourself for the magical ride to the NBA finals, courtesy of yours truly. I’ll be writing before every round starts, which should come out to once every two weeks or so. We’ve got a lot to cover since the last time I wrote, so let’s get started. 

First off, we’re one week away from the greatest day of the year. Better than Christmas, better than my birthday, even better than Halloween, that’s right: the Mifflin Street Block Party. Whatever personal, professional or legal obligations are keeping you from being in Madison next Saturday, you need to set them aside and get your ass here. If you’ve never been to Mifflin before, I’m sorry, but you’ve been robbed of what could possibly be the craziest days of your life. Last year, the Madison Police Department detox center was full by 8:00 AM. Imagine the wildest party you’ve ever been to, multiply it by 1,000, and stretch it out over 24 hours. That’s what you’ve been missing out on. Don’t make the same mistake again. Jared Sawle, I’m looking directly at you. Also, if any of the rest of you guys are coming down, hit me up.

Alright, time to get to sports. Time to tackle the biggest offseason sports story of the year. No, not the Saints. Not Peyton Manning. Not even Tim Tebow (I’ll get to all of those eventually). I’m talking about Ryan Joseph Braun. Props to the best baseball player in the National League for pulling a Lance Armstrong and an O.J. Simpson on the MLB. Honestly, I don’t know what to believe about PED use in professional sports anymore, but at the same time, I really don’t care that much either. If you play professional sports and want to shoot yourself up with drugs that could kill you in 20 years, go right ahead. You’ll probably hate your life after you retire anyways. Also, PEDs might be the key to staying in front of China this summer at the 2012 Olympics. Hell, if it were up to me, I’d make PED use mandatory for all professional athletes, and work towards making them less life-threatening. Sorry, I went off on a tangent there, but my point was this: Ryan Braun’s is innocent, and his innocence is surpassed only by his awesomeness. Go Brewers. Also, fuck you Prince.

By the way, the NFL Draft just started while I’ve been writing. Forgive me for a few outbursts.

I’m going to be honest with you. I had my doubts about this NBA season early on. The offseason lockout, combined with a compressed schedule made for some really shitty basketball in the first month of the season. Predictably though, the NBA’s star players rose to the occasion to dig David Stern out of the massive hole that he and the owners dug themselves. Thanks to fantastic seasons by Kevin Durant, Kobe Bryant, Chris Paul, Kevin Love, Rajon Rondo and others, the Association managed to rise back to relevance and pulled off one hell of a season. Also, some guy named LeBron James played pretty well. To put it in perspective statistically, LeBron just had the same kind of regular season that Aaron Rodgers did, and he’s about to win his third MVP for the effort, along with his first ever Finals MVP. Yeah that’s right. You heard it here first. The LeBron James-led Miami Heat are about to roll through the NBA playoffs and claim their second NBA title in the past decade. As a fan, watching the 2012 Miami Heat has been fantastic. Every time LeBron, Wade and Bosh take the court together, there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that the Heat are going to win. In my lifetime, only three teams have instilled that kind of confidence in me: the 1996 Green Bay Packers, the 2011 Green Bay Packers, and the 2012 Miami Heat. One of those teams won a title, another lost their first playoff game, and the third has yet to be decided. If you can’t tell, I’m all in on the Heat this year. You see, when Miami was struggling a few weeks ago, I had two choices. I could either be cautiously optimistic and hedge my bets on the Heat, or go all-out, be cocky as hell and hope they don’t make me look like an idiot. If you’ve been reading the Chode Picks for a while, you already know what route I picked. So for the past three weeks, I’ve been verbally harassing anyone I see wearing a Chicago Bulls or New York Knicks jersey in Madison (there are more than you’d think). I even made a slap bet on it. That’s the kind of attitude you have to have when the stakes are this high. For the Miami Heat, anything less than a championship will be considered a failure. So if I’m Erik Spolestra, I’m saying “Screw it. We’re already the bad guys, might as well run with it. I want ridiculous, over-the-top player introductions. I want LeBron beating his chest and Bosh screaming his goofy-looking head off after every dunk. I want confetti falling from the rafters after every single playoff win, and I want a parade after every series. We’re the Miami Heat, and we’re better than you. Deal with it, America.”
Now, I realize that outside of South Beach, I might be one of the only people in the country that wants the Heat to win the Finals this year, and that’s fine with me. Everyone likes to root for the underdog, but the truth is that in real life, better people almost always win. The sooner that everyone else realizes it, the better off we’ll all be. I’m sick of watching the privileged elite being crushed under the heel of the common man. I’m the kind of guy who roots for the odds-on favorite, like the Kentucky Wildcats in the NCAA tournament or Cato in the Hunger Games. So to recap: screw everyone else, go Heat. Sometimes you’re the favorite because you fucking deserve it.

Good God, Morris Claiborne is an idiot. A four on the Wonderlic? Out of fifty? Fucking four!?!?! Seriously? Congratulations Dallas, you just gave up a king’s ransom to trade up and take the stupidest player in NFL history. In a league with Chad Ochocinco and Terrell Owens, that’s saying something.

Before I get to writing about the first-round matchups in this year’s playoffs though, I want to take a moment to salute the Charlotte Bobcats, who just yesterday finished the regular season with the worst record in NBA history at 7-59. The Bobcats managed to lose the last 23 games of the regular season and set a new standard in professional sports futility. The best part is, the one man that shoulders the blame for this god-awful performance is none other than Michael Jeffery Jordan. Apparently not satisfied with being the greatest NBA player of all time, Jordan set out to claim the title of worst owner of all time as well. Well played, Michael. The sad part is, I watched some of those Bobcat games, and they were actually trying to win, unlike the Wizards, who started blatantly tanking for Anthony Davis sometime in late February.

WESTERN CONFERENCE

San Antonio Spurs (50-16) vs Utah Jazz (36-30)

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before: The top-seeded Spurs, after revamping their roster, surge to the best record in the league only to face a young, athletic eight-seed with a loaded frontcourt. Yup, I’ve already seen this movie. It doesn’t end well for Tim Duncan and company. You heard it here first; UPSET SPECIAL JAZZ OVER SPURZZZZZZ!!!!!

Jazz in six.

Oklahoma City Thunder (47-19) vs The Team From The West That Shall Not Be Named (36-30)

Fuck you, Dirk. 

Thunder in five.

Shit. Bears got Shea McClellin. I wanted him.

Los Angeles Lakers (41-25) vs Denver Nuggets (38-28)

I, along with the rest of the country, am deeply disappointed that we didn’t get to see a Lakers/Clippers first round matchup, if only because it would have been fun watching Kobe jack up terrible shots on one end while Chris Paul schooled him by playing super-efficient on the other. At this point in his career, you can practically see Kobe counting down the number of career points that he needs to pass Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. The Laker’s dirty little secret this season is that Kobe is playing the least efficient ball of his career, while Andrew Bynum is becoming the 2nd best big man in the game. When the Lake Show pounds the rock down low with Bynum and Pau Gasol, they’re almost impossible to beat, but Kobe won’t let it happen. I’m still picking them to win this series, just because the thought of James Harden and his beard exacting revenge on Metta World Peace in round 2 makes me giggle with excitement.

Lakers in six.

BOOM!! Nick Perry!! Great pick. If I remember correctly, the last pass-rusher we took from USC turned out pretty well.

Memphis Grizzlies (41-25) vs Los Angeles Clippers (40-26)

Ah yes, the Grizzlies, everyone’s “sleeper” team. Well, I hate to be the one to rain on their parade, but once LITERALLY EVERYONE starts calling you a “sleeper”, you’re not exactly flying under the radar anymore. Also, if Zach Randolph isn’t at 100%, I don’t trust these guys. And I know this sounds like something that no sane, rational and sober person would ever say (two out of three ain’t bad), but I trust the Clippers. More specifically, I trust Chris Paul. With the clock winding down and the game on the line, there’s no one else I’d rather have with the ball. So the Clippers are my “sleeper” team for the 2012 playoffs. I’ve got them making it to the Western Conference finals, at least. And if Blake Griffin ever decides to stop dunking for like, five fucking minutes and learn how to play some defense, they could go further.

Clippers in five.

Quick side note: I woke up at 8:30 this morning. It’s now 2:56 and I feel like absolute shit. I haven’t gotten out of bed that early since sophomore year. Is this what normal people do every day? I thought about taking a nap and writing the rest of the picks later, but I settled on eating a handful of espresso beans and powering through it instead. You’re welcome.

EASTERN CONFERENCE:

Chicago Bulls (50-16) vs Philadelphia 76ers (35-31)

First off, congratulations to the 76ers for successfully tanking the last week of the season in order to avoid playing Miami in the first round. Seriously. Evan Turner even admitted last week, when asked what the 8 seed would mean to them that “it means we dodged the better team”. At least he’s honest. Unfortunately for Philadelphia though, they don’t have a chance in hell against the Bulls either, even if Derrick Rose is less than 100%. I hope I’m wrong, because there’s nothing I enjoy more than watching Chicago teams choke away their seasons (here’s to you, Bears, Cubs and Blackhawks!), but I don’t see it happening here.

Bulls in six.

Miami Heat (46-20) vs New York Knicks (36-30)

Damn it, this is the one team that I wanted to avoid in the first round. As bad as New York has been this season, they’re the one team in the conference that has the star power to match up with LeBron, Dwyane and Chris. I don’t think they’ll be able to get their shit together and take four games from Miami, but there’s always the threat of Carmelo going off for 40 points per game, and that worries me a little. Also, I have a bet on this series. One of my good friends is a Knicks fan, and we came to the agreement that whoever loses this series has to yell the opposing teams star player’s name during sex. So I’m crossing my fingers and knocking on wood that my Mifflin experience next week won’t end with a cry of “JEREMY LIN!” coming from my bedroom.

Heat in five.

Indiana Pacers (42-24) vs Orlando Magic (37-29)

Good God, Dwight Howard. Are you trying to make sure no one ever buys your jersey again? Sadly, I think we all know where this tired saga is headed: another full year of D12 trade rumors and mediocre basketball from the Magic. This team used to be fun to watch, too. Fortunately, there’s a simple solution to this problem, but I don’t think that Magic general manager Otis Smith has the balls to pull the trigger on it: trade Dwight Howard for Chris Bosh. Yes, Orlando is losing that trade, but it’s better than any other trade offer they’re getting, and it’s a hell of a lot better than losing Howard for nothing in free agency next summer. Come on Pat Riley, I know you’ve got one more blockbuster move in you. Make it happen. As for the other team in this series, the Pacers have quietly become one of the best teams in the NBA, behind good coaching, solid defense and unselfish play. In fact, if they weren’t in the same conference as Miami, I’d probably pick them to make the Finals. They’re that good. Also, Danny Granger turned his house into a Batcave, which is awesome. The Dwight-less Magic are about to end up on the wrong end of a four-game sweep.

Pacers in four.

Boston Celtics (39-27) vs Atlanta Hawks (40-26)

See if you can follow me here. Boston is seeded fourth, since they won their division, while Atlanta is fifth even though the Hawks have a better record. But the Hawks have home court advantage in this series, despite being a lower seed. In summary, the NBA’s playoff seeding makes absolutely no sense. Anyways just about everyone at ESPN has already penciled the Celtics into the second round against Chicago, despite the fact that the Hawks have been on fire lately and the combined age of Kevin Garnett, Ray Allen and Paul Pierce is somewhere around 167 years. So yeah, I’m gonna go against the grain here and pick Atlanta, even if it violates the cardinal rule of NBA gambling: Never Trust The Hawks. Up yours, Bill Simmons.

Hawks in seven.

A couple more thoughts before we wrap it up this week.

Congratulations to the Wisconsin Badgers Men’s Basketball team for advancing to the sweet sixteen for the second year in a row. I’m fairly certain that Wisconsin was the only school in the country that played in a BCS bowl game and made it to the round of 16 this year. So that kicks ass. However, it’s become increasingly obvious to me that the Badger basketball team is cursed. Let me explain. You see, two years ago, the Chode was hanging out, drinking and doing Chode things at one of his favorite bars just off of State Street. At a certain point, he ordered a gin and tonic and began to make his way to the upstairs of the bar, only to be run into by a very tall, red-haired gentleman, who managed to spill Chode’s drink all over him. Rather than graciously apologizing and offering to buy Chode a new drink, the big, gangly asshole just looked him in the face, paused, then walked away without saying a word. At that moment, Chode swore to himself that as long as Mike Bruesewitz was on the Wisconsin basketball team, they would not advance past the sweet sixteen. Call it the Curse of the Brueser. Now, if by some strange turn of events that ginger dick ends up reading this, a simple apology is all it would take to reverse the curse. And perhaps a gin and tonic. I don’t ask for much.

Holy shit. Six pages. That might be a Chode Picks record.

This week’s Chode Picks are brought to you by dollarshaveclub.com.

-Chode Out.

Chode Picks – Requiem

Honestly, I don’t know where to begin. I’m not sure that my mere words are capable of describing the shocking, improbable upset that we all witnessed last week. In any field of competition, upsets are to be expected, but there’s a big difference between the garden-variety “upsets” that we see every year, and the kind of momentous, earth-shaking underdog victory that took place last weekend. Unbelievable. Just in case you’ve been completely cut off from society for the past seven days, I’ll fill you in on the most shocking contest that I’ve ever witnessed in my life, one that redefined the very essence of victory and gave the state of Wisconsin it’s finest hour.
Of course, I’m referring to Miss Wisconsin’s glorious victory in the 2012 Miss America Pageant. Despite being a heavy underdog, Laura Kaeppeler (from here on referred to as the Goddess of Wisconsin) worked her way through the preliminary elimination rounds, surviving with a combination of veteran savvy, unflappable confidence, and a smokin’ hot body. The Goddess of Wisconsin soon found herself facing a seemingly unbeatable opponent in the final round, going up against heavily favored Miss New York. Like a true champion though, she beat the odds and emerged victorious, solidifying Wisconsin’s claim to the title of Greatest State of All Time. 

Also, I think there was a football game on last weekend, but I’m not sure. Moving on.

Just kidding. I need a second to compose myself, otherwise my head is going to explode in anger. The hatred that I feel for Elisha Nelson Manning and his band of idiots is a raging inferno that has only been doused over the past seven days by a river of Natural Light. To be completely honest though, I wasn’t totally shocked by the Green Bay loss on Sunday. By the end of the regular season, it had become apparent to me that the Packers had peaked WAY too early, probably sometime around week 10. It was also obvious that our defense wasn’t anywhere near championship-caliber. For 15 weeks, Aaron Rodgers and company were spectacular enough to compensate, but when luck finally turned against the Packers in the form of fumbles, questionable calls and dropped passes (Seriously, Finley? Catch the fucking ball), it wasn’t enough. And even though I could see the loss coming from a mile away, it didn’t make it any less painful. Watching the final seconds of our season tick away as the Giants celebrated in Lambeau was a worse feeling than realizing my fly is still up after I’ve started urinating. The one thing that did take some of the sting away was knowing that less than a year ago the Green and Gold claimed their thirteenth NFL title, and at least for the next two weeks, we’re still World Champions. Also, at 15-2, the Green Bay Packers will finish the 2011-2012 season with the best winning percentage in the league, regardless of who wins the Super Bowl.

Anyways, here are the main takeaways from the 2011-12 season from an NFC North perspective. If it seems like I’m grasping for straws and desperately trying to find a silver lining, it’s because I am.

- The Green Bay Packers are going to be Super Bowl contenders for at least another five years. At least.

- If you would have told me at the start of the season that the Packers would finish 15-2, with Aaron Rodgers having the best regular season in NFL history and claiming the MVP, I would have taken it, even if I knew we weren’t winning the Super Bowl again. My friends, we just enjoyed one hell of a season. Even with the disappointing finish, we have a lot to be proud of.

- Jay Cutler will never be a championship-caliber quarterback.

- The Detroit Lions have replaced the Chicago Bears as the primary threat to the Packer’s divisional dominance.

- Minnesota, welcome to ANOTHER decade of irrelevance! It’s a bit depressing that a Packer playoff loss and a WNBA championship were the highest points of your year. Also, if you were looking for a sign of weakness, I apologize. The only feelings that I have these days are A) Drunk, and B) Awesome. And I can’t help but love the haters, because let’s be honest, we made you.

With that, it’s time to close the book on the Packers’ 2011 season. Until next fall, you stay classy Green Bay.

Speaking of fantastic seasons, Tebow Time finally came to and end last week against the Patriots. I’ll be honest, I didn’t actually expect Denver to win, but I thought they’d at least keep it within two touchdowns. However, it’s obvious to me now that the Broncos can only do two things: win close games in the last minute, or get blown out. There is no in between. As for Tebow himself, his 2011 season was even more polarizing than Michael Vick’s resurgence last year, which is odd when you consider that Vick murdered puppies and Tebow simply loves Jesus and sucks at throwing. Personally, I can’t wait for the sequel (Tequel?) next year.

By the way, if you’re wondering who’s going to take home the Lombardi trophy now that the Packers have been eliminated, I’ll give you a hint: its not the Giants. Or the Patriots. Or the Ravens. That’s right, you better get used to hearing the phrase “Super Bowl MVP Alex Smith”.

Now, I realize that in a few weeks a wave of post-Super Bowl depression is going to hit most of you, along with the false idea that there are no more sports worth watching until next August. This couldn’t be further from the truth. I’m probably more excited for this offseason than I have been any other year, for more than a few reasons.

First and foremost, the 2012 Olympics. There are two Olympic sports that you absolutely must watch this summer. The first is women’s 2-on-2 sand volleyball, for obvious reasons. I’d like to meet the man who invented that sport (It has to be a man. There’s no other logical explanation) and shake his hand. The second is Olympic basketball. There’s no other sport on Earth that the United States has such a distinct advantage in, and there’s almost nothing as gratifying as watching the USA beat the living hell out of countries like Iran, Syria, China and France. Also, Spain. Fuck Spain. In short, if you don’t watch USA Basketball this summer, you’re a terrible citizen and should probably move to Canada, especially since this year’s team is probably the best the world has seen since the original Dream Team in 1992.

Secondly, I think this is the year that Manny Pacquiao and Floyd Mayweather will finally fight. It seems more than a little ridiculous that the two best boxers in the world are in the same weight class, yet have never fought each other. Personally, my money is on Pacquiao, but I might be a little biased because I think Mayweather is an arrogant douchebag. Even if you don’t follow boxing, you should watch this fight. It should be the Ali/Frazier of our generation. Cross your fingers that they’re both man enough to make it happen. This fight would make both of them far too much money for them to turn it down.

Last but not least, the NBA. If you’re not watching professional basketball this season, you should be. The league hasn’t had this much talent since the Jordan Era, and there are more than enough elite teams to make for a great season. And if you don’t like watching the NBA because the Bucks are terrible and you don’t know who to root for, just pick a team, for instance Oklahoma City, Miami or the L.A. Clippers. Just don’t pick the Bulls. Or the Lakers. Actually, don’t pick the Clippers either. I’m starting to despise them, because if there’s one thing I can’t stand in sports, its when superstars put aside personal statistics, take less money and join other great players to try to win championships. Just kidding. The real reason that I hate the Clippers is because they beat the Heat last week. In fact I was watching the Clippers-Timberwolves game last night and found myself rooting for the Wolves for most of the game, before I realized it and asked myself “wait, that the fuck are you doing?” And that’s when I realized how much I’ve committed myself to this Heat team; I was rooting for a MINNESOTA SPORTS TEAM JUST BECAUSE THEY WERE PLAYING A TEAM THAT BEAT MIAMI!! Never again, I swear. 

Before I wrap up this season’s final edition of the Chode Picks and head into my offseason activities of mailing heroin to children and making omelets from bald eagle eggs, I want to take a minute to thank all of you for reading and making this such a special season. I honestly think its been the best year in Chode Picks history, and I wouldn’t write if it weren’t for you guys. So thanks again.

And with that, I’d like to announce my decision on a couple of issues that I’ve been debating with myself for a while now: where I’m going to medical school next year, and more importantly, if I’m going to write the Chode Picks again next fall. I think the major factor major reason in my decision was the best opportunity for me to win and to win now and to win into the future also. 

And winning is a huge thing for me. You know ever since I was a rookie or even in high school, we always talked, that was the number one thing for me: Help my teammates get better and just wanting to win. And I've done some great things in my seven years, and I want to continue to do that. So this fall, man this is very tough, in this fall I’m going to keep my talents in Southern Wisconsin and continue to write the Chode Picks at the University of Wisconsin. That was the conclusion I woke up with this morning.

So I hope I can count on you guys to come back again next year. I really think that I’ll be able to maintain the Chode Picks at their current level during the first year of medical school. At the very least, I’m going to try. At this point, if I lost the Chode Picks, I feel like I’d be losing part of myself. Probably the best part of myself. So as of right now, the odds of me not writing the Chode Picks next fall are about the same odds that you have of meeting a real lesbian in a lesbian chatroom. Also, I might write a few times in the offseason. Maybe for Olympic basketball or the NBA Finals. Let me know what you guys think.

Until next season…

-Chode Out.