Chode Picks – Olympic Preview

Hello again, ChodeNation, and welcome to the first-ever Olympic edition of the Chode Picks!! It’s been nearly three weeks since we wrapped up the NBA season, and my lazy ass has literally been itching for the past twenty days (thank you, women of Madison!) to get back to writing senseless rants about life and sports, so let’s get to it. First up…

CHODE SPORTS!! Admit it. You knew I was going to start off this post with a little bit of unabashed self-promotion. And since my marathon training season is over for the next five months or so, I’m writing about possibly the least athletically impressive and most frustrating “sport” in the world, Ultimate Frisbee. As you may or may not know (and if you don’t know, I suggest you go back and read a few more posts), I’ve been deeply involved with an amateur Frisbee team this summer. Last time I updated you, we were 3-3 with most of the regular season waiting to be decided. Since then, the city of Madison has been wracked with a historic drought, which destroyed the grass playing fields of the Madison Ultimate Frisbee Association. These unfortunate circumstances resulted in most of our remaining games being cancelled, which left us with just five legitimate games on our schedule. Luckily, team Electro-Flow-V was able to win three of them, bringing us to a final record of 6-5 headed into the playoffs, which was good enough to clinch the 3-seed in an sixteen-team playoff. Luckily for our team, the Chode should be present for all of our playoff games, which greatly enhances our chances of capturing the league title this season. As it stands right now, my team has a fantastic record of 5-3 when I play, compared to a dismal 1-2 mark when I am absent. This leads me to one fair, unbiased conclusion: I am the greatest Frisbee player of all time. Seriously. On the field, I am a cross between Usain Bolt and Jerry Rice. My speed and catching abilities routinely make men drop their jaws in amazement, and make women soil their panties with desire. In summary, I fully expect our team to take home the league title, at which point my adoring teammates may or may not carry me off the field between spurts of orgasmic joy. However, to humbly honest with you, this probably isn’t even my best sport, which has become glaringly obvious during what I like to call “the Summer of Chode”. Allow me to explain.

You see, for the past eight months or so, I’ve been living the dream. My only real goal as an undergraduate student at UW-Madison was to gain admission to the University of Wisconsin School of Medicine and Public Health for an MD degree. I couldn’t care less about my B.S. degree (which is why I famously Tebowed on stage during my graduation ceremony and told my father to take my diploma home and “fucking bury it”). Ever since I accomplished my goal, I’ve been living the life that every college student wants to: sleeping in, skipping class, drinking every night, partying until the sun rises, and generally just having an awesome fucking time as a 22-year-old. Needless to say, after my last classes officially ended in May, I stepped it up a bit. With the knowledge that medical school starts on August 20th, I decided to stick to a glorious schedule of working two days a week, and spending the other five days doing whatever the hell I want. As you can probably imagine, this leaves me with a lot of free time on my hands, which has allowed me to develop my fourth-greatest skill in life (behind dominating standardized tests, magic tricks and seducing young college co-eds): 90’s video games. This is important for one reason and one reason only: Montee Ball.

As you may or may not know, last semester Montee “Heisman” Ball publicly challenged any brave UW student to a showdown in Mario Kart 64. My sources tell me that he remains undefeated to this day. And since he’s clearly the most popular football player on campus, and I’m probably the most popular blogger on campus, I’d like to issue a similar challenge: Super Smash Brothers on N64. That’s right. I dare any UW student to take me on in a one-on-one game of Super Smash. In fact, I will bet you one delicious Chipotle burrito that I will thoroughly kick your ass. Accept my challenge if you dare. Just know that if you do, you will lose, most likely in embarrassing fashion due the brilliance of Fox McCloud’s vicious aerial assault. You’ve been warned. 

Anyways, enough about me. It’s time to get to the most important story of the football offseason. No, not the recent love child between Erin Andrews and Aaron Rodgers. Not even the persistent rumors about Adrian Peterson buying undetectable steroids from India. Nope, it’s time to get to the real goods…

WE ARE… (STILL)… PENN RAPE!!!

Joseph Vincent Paterno. The one man on the planet who I used to wish was coaching the Badgers, had his true colors revealed last week. As you all know by now, “Uncle Joe” was revealed to be part of the massive cover-up operation than allowed Jerry Sandusky to continue anally raping young boys for over a decade. Luckily for Paterno, God decided to give him a merciful death rather than have him face the atrocities that occurred under his nose in State College, PA. In fact, the only thing more ridiculously stupid than Paterno’s oblivious nature is the idiot Penn State students who still defend his actions. Allow me to put it in perspective. I’ve been a diehard Badger fan for as long as I can remember. I literally bleed red and white. Barry Alvarez was one of my childhood heroes. I will never forget watching him raise the Rose Bowl Championship trophies in 2000 and 2001. But if I ever found out that he had helped cover up a child abuse crime like the one that occurred in Happy Valley, I would personally walk to Camp Randall, rig up his statue with M-80s, blow it all to hell, and piss on the ashes. Some things are more important than sports. Unfortunately, there’s a simple explanation for the PSU students who feel compelled to defend Paterno: they’re idiots. I’m not terribly surprised, either. After all, we have our fair share of morons here in Madison, and I can imagine that there are even more at an academically inferior institute like Penn State.

Well, now that I got that rant off of my chest, let’s move on the main focus of this post, Olympiad XXX (Yes, I’m using roman numerals, only because it makes the 2012 Olympics look like a clumsily-titled porno). As you probably didn’t know, the Chode flew to London four days ago to cover the Games on behalf of Fox Sports Network. Since then, I’ve been spending most of my time touring around the city, drinking gin and tonic with Paul McCartney, and ruthlessly heckling the Canadian Olympic team. Also, I feel like this is a good time to remind you that the Chode Picks usually consist of roughly 40% fact, 50% biased opinion, and 10% utter bullshit. I’ll let you determine which category this paragraph belongs in.

First of all, I’d like to congratulate the obvious winners of the opening ceremonies: the People’s “Republic” of China. If for some reason you felt the need to watch this year’s proceedings from start to finish, you probably came to two conclusions:
1) You have way too much free time on your hands and seriously need to re-evaluate your life (again, this is coming from a guy who works a total of 16 hours a week)
2) England has neither the motivation nor resources (slave labor in particular) to match the Chinese in terms of global spectacle. 
Regardless, now that the God-awful opener is out of the way, it’s time to get to the actual sports, from least to most important. First up…

Olympic Sand Volleyball

I feel robbed. For the past two Olympics, I was operating under the assumption that the USA had the hottest sand volleyball team in the world with Misty May-Treanor and Kerri Walsh. However, after actually watching a few matches this year, it’s become obvious that if medals were awarded on pure sexiness rather than athletic ability, the Americans wouldn’t be anywhere near the podium. Seriously, have you SEEN the Brazilian team!? Or the Russians?? Good Lord. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t even watch sand volleyball at work anymore because it’s nearly impossible to hide an erection while wearing scrubs. Nevertheless, from this point on I’ll be rooting for Brazil to make the Gold-medal game, only because I don’t want to miss a second of watching those babes jumping around in bikinis.

GOLD: USA
SILVER: Brazil
BRONZE: China (boo!, ugly)

Olympic Swimming

Can we all agree to pretend that the USA’s silver-medal performance in the 400 freestyle relay never happened today? Good. I refuse to acknowledge that Phelps, Lochte and company were beaten by a bunch of European surrender-monkeys from a smelly disgusting country that rhymes with “dance”. Anyways, since swimming is more of an individual sport, I’m picking these medals for specific swimmers rather than countries. I know it makes absolutely no sense, but bear with me. Also, because I’m an arrogant douche, I feel like I need to point out that in a 2008 version of the Chode Picks, I predicted that Ryan Lochte would win more gold medals than Phelps in 2012. Add it to my ever-growing list of brilliant forecasts.

GOLD: Ryan Lochte (4 gold medals)
SILVER: Michael Phelps (3 gold medals)
BRONZE: Who the fuck cares?

Olympic Track and Field

This is the part of the Olympics that convinced me to never have children. Rather than passing on my admittedly brilliant genes, I’ve decided that the first thing I’m doing when I turn 30 is traveling to Jamaica, holding 100-meter dash tryouts for 11 year-olds, adopting the fastest one, and bringing him back to America. I’m sick of watching the Jamaican flag being carried around the track after every sprinting event. Unfortunately, nobody from the USA has caught on to my genius scheme yet, so we’re probably going to have to watch the green, black and gold dominate the podium again this year.

GOLD: Yohan Blake
SILVER: Usain Bolt
BRONZE: Tyson Gay

Olympic Basketball

Finally. A sport where the United States of America can dominate in spectacular fashion, the way God intended. Until the International Olympic Committee gets off their high horse and adds football and competitive eating to the event list, this will be our best bet to watch the good guys kick some serious foreign ass. After All-Stars Dwight Howard, Dwyane Wade, Chris Bosh, Derrick Rose and Blake Griffin dropped out of the Games due to injury; many pundits declared that Spain was the new favorite to take home the gold this year. ESPN.com’s own Michael Wilbon even claimed that if starting center Tyson Chandler got into foul trouble, we wouldn’t be able to stop the feared Spanish frontcourt of Pau Gasol, Marc Gasol and Serge Ibaka. Well thanks Wilbon, but that’s exactly what I’d expect from a pessimistic Chicago asshole. In fact, when The USA faced off against Spain in an exhibition match last week, Chandler somehow found a way to foul out after just eight fucking minutes on the court, while LeBron, Kobe, Durant and company still won in a blowout. So unless the Americans suffer another freakish rash of injuries or Coach K gets assassinated, I think it’s fair to say that the gold is still ours to lose. And in all honesty, I think that this team could compete with the original Dream Team. I’m not saying that they’re better (although Kobe and LeBron showed some serious stones by declaring that they would beat Jordan’s squad), but I think if they played ten games against ’92 team, they would win at least three. 
By the way, that brings me to a point that I’ve wanted to make for the past eight months, which most of you are going to vehemently disagree with, mostly because you don’t know what you’re talking about; right now, LeBron James is better than Michael Jordan ever was in his prime. Go ahead and call bullshit, just know what you’re using the same logic as people who say that Favre in his prime was better than Rodgers. It’s revisionist history, and it’s about as logical as huffing OFF to keep mosquitoes away.

GOLD: USA
SILVER: Argentina
BRONZE: Spain

Time for a few more nuggets of wisdom before we call it a wrap:

- These Games became a lot less exciting when I found out that unfortunately, there will not be an event where 12-to-18 year-old children are thrown into an arena and forced to fight to the death
- Ryan Lochte probably became my new favorite Olympian last week when he capped off an interview about the Olympic culture by giving the following quote: “I had a girlfriend while I was in Beijing. That was a big mistake.”
- The international three-point shot is pretty much a layup for Kevin Durant. He’s a taller, more efficient version of Kobe. It’s really not fair.
- Sorry, but I don’t have a hilarious YouTube video for you this week. Somebody bail me out and put one up. Otherwise, I’ll be forced to post a video of my roommate lip-synching “I Want Candy”. Don’t make me do it.
- CREVICE FOR LIFE!

- Chode Out.

Chode Picks – Victory

And we’re back. Coming to you from the known center of the universe, Madison, Wisconsin, welcome to the first (but certainly not last) post-CHAMPIONSHIP edition of the Chode Picks!! It’s been an eventful couple of weeks in the life of the Chode, and as promised, I’m here to update you on all of the personal and worldwide athletic exploits that have colored my life since the last time we met. First and foremost, I need to address the turn of events that rocked the sports world last week. You know what I’m talking about. I sincerely apologize for shooting my proverbial load this early in the article, but this simply cannot wait.

Hold on a second. I want to savor this.

PERCY HARVIN HAS SEEN THE LIGHT!! HE WANTS OUT OF MINNESOTA!! THE VIKINGS’ ALREADY TERRIBLE OFFENSE IS GOING TO GET SO MUCH WORSE!! HE’S ABOUT TO BE TRADED TO GREEN BAY FOR GRAHAM HARRELL AND A SIXTH-ROUND DRAFT PICK!!! GET READY TO ENJOY ANOTHER 3-13 SEASON, MINNESOTA!!!

Wow. I just went from six to midnight. Apparently the cloud of marijuana smoke that perpetually surrounds Harvin hasn’t hindered his ability to recognize that the Vikings are on a sinking ship, and it’s time to bail out. I never thought I would type this sentence, but smart move, Percy Harvin. You’ll look much better in green and gold (or really, any color other than purple). Also, I have it on good authority that Matt Forte has been eyeing the greener pastures of Wisconsin as well. Life is good.

Speaking of reasons why life is good, this week officially marks the beginning of summer, and naturally the forecast calls for temperatures to soar to over 100 degrees in Madison by Thursday. Considering that my apartment doesn’t have air conditioning, I plan on spending most of the upcoming heat wave drinking alone in my basement bedroom, or as I like to call it “The Land Down Under”. It’s weeks like these that the benefits of living downstairs: lower temperatures, more privacy, enough space for a bitchin’ king-sized bed (ladies) vastly outweigh the negatives: having to walk up a flight of stairs to pee, poor ventilation, copious amounts of spiders (ladies). So I just want to take a moment to let you all know that as you’re sweating through your sheets for the next week, I’ll be sleeping until 2:00PM in relative comfort.

Regardless, it’s time to move on to the Chode Sports. More specifically, I want to tell you about the adventure that was Grandma’s Marathon 2012. If you read the last edition of the Chode Picks (and if you didn’t, stop reading this and do it right now), you know that this past Saturday I took on the formidable task of running a 26.2-mile race that I was almost completely unprepared for. Going into the race, I had four lofty, if unreasonable goals:
- Do a 26.2 second kegstand during the race
- Finish the race
- Don’t puke
- Do it all in less than three hours and forty-five minutes
Now that I’m a full week removed from the ordeal, I can proudly say that I unleashed my inner Kenyan alcoholic and accomplished ALL of the goals listed above with a blazing fast time of 3:41 (stop laughing, Matt. Yes, I know you could have done it in your sleep. Don’t ruin this for me). To top it all off, after watching me finish the kegstand at mile 21 and hustle my ass up lemon drop hill to catch up with him, one of the race’s pace leaders gave me a $100 giftcard to an running website because, in his words “that was fucking awesome”. I’m not going to lie, there was nothing but sheer, drunken determination carrying me through those last five miles. That and the promise of a free massage at the finish line, delivered by a volunteer masseuse that, in retrospect, may have been trying to seduce me (I mean, I didn’t ask her to massage my ass muscles, but she took it upon herself anyways. Never mind that she was a 6 out of 10 at best, for the purposes of the Chode Picks, I’m going to pretend that she was smoking hot. Don’t judge me). Overall, my second was an awesome experience, and convinced me not retire from competitive running after all.

Also, today marked the first time since the marathon that I felt motivated enough to work out, so I headed to the gym and came to two startling realizations, one good and one bad. On the positive side, I no longer need to coat my balls in baby powder before a workout to prevent chafing. However on a more depressing note, it seems that I lost a decent amount of upper body strength during my training for the race. Fortunately, the staff at the gym were nice enough to raise my self-esteem again by lowering the basketball rims for a youth basketball camp this week, so I got to spend fifteen glorious minutes throwing down monster dunks and shamelessly mean mugging any seven-year-olds foolish enough to cross my path.

Anyways, while I was away conquering the course in Duluth, my Frisbee team dropped two of three games to bring our season record down to 3-3. It’s worth noting that when Chode is on the field, team Electro-Flow-V has an impressive winning percentage of .667, while when the Chode is absent, we’ve been a pathetic .333. Coincidence? Maybe, but I refuse to acknowledge it. Until further notice, I am the Chris Bosh of Ultimate Frisbee. Crucial to team success, but constantly ridiculed and overlooked.

And with that ridiculous, inaccurate analogy, it’s time to get to the goods, the final act of the 2012 NBA season, round one of what is sure to be a classic rivalry between the Oklahoma Shitty Thunder and Miami’s HEAT 316. If for some reason you were trapped in a cave or North Dakota for the past two weeks, I’ll recap the series for you.

Game 1:
Durant: Hey guys, let’s tank the first half so we can make an awesome comeback in the second and listen to everyone make “LeBron can’t close” jokes for the next two days.
OKC Fans: RRAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!! OKC!! OKC!! OKC!!
Erik Spoelstra : Son of a bitch. I might get fired mid-series.
Shane Battier: Alright, fuck this. I’m shooting every time I get the ball from now on.

Game 2:
OKC Fans: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!! OKC!! OKC!! OKC!!
LeBron: Good God, you bastards are irritating.
Battier: Hey, they’re all going in!
Wade: Too small? How’s this for “too small” asshole?
James Harden: (forces another terrible shot)
Spoelstra: Thank you, Shane. Let’s get the hell out of here.

Games 3 and 4:
LeBron: You know what? None of these guys can guard me one-on-one. Oh shit, double-team (passes to Battier).
Battier: If I keep hitting these, can I play in the Olympics?
Harden: (still throwing up bricks)
Mario Chalmers: I think I’ll start trying now.
Spoelstra: These guys are making me a LOT of money.

Game 5:
Mike Miller: Hey guys, remember me?
LeBron: Just keep your ugly white ass behind the three-point line, Mike. Let’s see, I need two more rebounds for a triple-double. (misses twice, grabs both rebounds, scores anyways). That’s better.
Durant: (quietly sobbing)
Russell Westbrook: Well Harden, looks like we’re getting crucified by the media for the next five months.
Spoelstra: I am PHIL-LIPINO JACKSON!!
Pat Riley: Muhahahahaha!

And so ends two years of vicious criticism of the Miami Heat. Going up against a heavily favored Oklahoma City team, the gritty, undermanned Heat somehow found a way to gut out four victories despite their glaring height disadvantage. Supercoach Erik Spoelstra spent all series finding creative solutions to the Thunder’s obvious physical advantages, and the Miami Heat became the first team to win an NBA championship without ever putting a true center on the floor. In the end, a combination of brilliant post play from Chris Bosh, efficient scoring from Dwyane Wade, LeBron relentlessly attacking the basket, and clutch shooting from Shane Battier, Mario Chalmers and Mike Miller was more than the inexperienced Thunder could handle. I’m pretty sure Miller is still nailing three-pointers in American Airlines Arena as I type this. Also, I hope you all watched the trophy ceremony at the end. If you saw the look of pure joy and gratitude on LeBron’s face as he was handed the Larry O’Brien trophy and listened to his humble acceptance speech, you should no longer have any reason in the world to root for his failure. In fact, if there’s any Heat player that you might have a reason to dislike, it’s Dwyane Wade. After all, Wade was the evil genius who spent three years at Marquette learning how to convince his talented friends to take less money for a chance to be historically great. He and Pat Riley punked the entire league, and now have another championship to show for it. Well played, Dwyane. As usual though, he and Chris Bosh were humble to the end as they took their rightful places alongside LeBron as one of the greatest trios ever to play the game of basketball. Fortunately though, I feel no such need to be humble after my team wins a championship. So let me savor this for just a moment…

THE HEAT ARE WORLD CHAMPIONS AGAIN!! LEBRON IS NEVER LEAVING MIAMI!! HE’S TWENTY FUCKING SEVEN YEARS OLD!! MIAMI MIGHT JUST WIN SEVEN TITLES AFTER ALL!! KEVIN DURANT CAN’T EVEN BENCH PRESS 150 POUNDS!! JAMES HARDEN LOOKS LIKE A HOMELESS MAN!! JON BARRY IS AN IDIOT!! JUWAN HOWARD HAS MORE RINGS THAN CHARLES BARKLEY!! WE ARE ALL WITNESSES!! I GUARANTEE THE HEAT ARE GOING TO WIN IT AGAIN NEXT YEAR!!!

Now that LeBron’s coronation is complete, there’s no telling just how great he can become. With every conceivable award and honor already under his belt, he’s competing against history. Charles Barkley (a known Heat-hater) even went on record last week saying that if LeBron goes on to win four or more titles, his legacy will be comparable to Michael Jordan’s. And after watching how thoroughly he dismantled the only other team built to compete for a title year after year, I think it’s safe to say that King James isn’t done winning championships. After enduring a ridiculous amount of hatred and criticism after last year’s Finals, learning from it all and working to take his game to another level, he deserves nothing less. Over the past two years, he’s taught the entire country that when life knocks you down, you calmly get back up, smile and say “you hit like a bitch”. You know, sometimes, it’s the big things in life that matter the most.

So what comes next for the Heat and the rest of the NBA? Can they keep winning championships with just the big three surrounded by a bunch of shooters? Maybe, but it would make me feel a lot better if Pat Riley went out and signed a center who can rebound and actually score a few buckets every now and then. I know I’ve talked about how Miami should trade Bosh for Dwight Howard before, but let’s be realistic; that’s like saying I should trade in my shoes for a Cadillac. Realistically, I think Miami will look to sign yet another three-point shooter this summer, especially if Mike Miller decides to retire (one of my favorite players ever, by the way. He played the entire playoffs with four busted vertebrae). Ray Allen, in particular, has already expressed some interest in taking his talents to South Beach. This would thrill me to no end, if only to see the looks on Garnett, Pierce and Rondo’s faces as Allen destroys them from downtown in the playoffs. Cross your fingers.

Also, the NBA Draft is on Thursday, and if Fab Melo falls to Miami at #27, I’m going to go nuts. Otherwise, Draymond Green would be a good fit.

Regardless of what happens, we should all consider ourselves lucky, because starting at the end of July, we get to watch LeBron, Wade, Bosh, Durant, Chris Paul, Kobe, Westbrook, Kevin Love, Tyson Chandler and three other guys crush the rest of the world in the Olympics. As promised, I’ll be writing throughout the games. Most of the focus will be on basketball, but I’ll make sure to find some time for track, swimming, and most importantly, women’s sand volleyball.

Also, I got to slap my friend (I’ll refer to him as Jeff, so you won’t know that his real name is Sam MacDonald) in the face in accordance with our NBA Finals slap bet. To his credit, he took it like a champ. So Jeff, if you’d like to make the same bet next year, I’d be more than happy to. Choose your team wisely.

Some final thoughts before we wrap up the NBA season:

- Forget Matt Moore and Ryan Tannehill, Dwyane Wade is easily the best quarterback in Miami

- IF YOUR ZIPPO LIGHTER ISN’T WORKING IT’S BECAUSE MIKE MILLER HAS STOLEN ALL OF THE FIRE!!

- I don’t know why I’ve waited this long, but I need to write about the greatest tragedy of the year 2012 thus far: the demise of 190-proof Everclear. Apparently, some idiot drank way too much of Chode’s favorite beverage and killed himself last year. After a successful lawsuit by the guy’s father, Everclear was forced to pull the 95% ethanol mixture from shelves. This reaction makes absolutely no sense, for two reasons. First, you can still buy off-brand grain alcohol that contains 190-proof booze at most liquor stores, for a price considerably lower than the original Everclear. Secondly, drinking way too much of the now 151-proof Everclear CAN STILL KILL YOU IF YOU’RE A MORON! Sorry, but sometimes you just have to let natural selection run its course. Which is one of many reasons why this November, I’m voting for…

- Shane Battier for President. Yes we can!

- IF YOU CAN’T TAKE THE HEAT THEN YOU PROBABLY SHOULDN’T PLAY WITH MIKE MILLER IN THE KITCHEN!!

- I’ve just been informed that the Red Cross is facing a national blood shortage. So you should probably go donate, if you can. Not only will it make you feel better about drinking a case of PBR and burning down a trailer park, but it helps get rid of the ensuing hangover as well. Just do it.

- MIKE MILLER IS BASICALLY A VOLCANO WRAPPED IN THE SUN WITHOUT THE APPLICATION OF SUNSCREEN AND THAT ANALOGY GOT AWAY FROM ME

- Long live The Crevice

- The Chode would like to give a shout out to longtime friend and Chode Picks follower Danielle Schindele, who is recovering from a stroke she suffered earlier this month. As you may or may not know, there are only three things in the world that legitimately scare me. The first is alligators. The second is crocodiles, naturally, and the third is brain aneurysm/stroke. I hope you get a chance to read this Danielle, and if you do, know that we’re still keeping you in our thoughts and prayers. Stay strong.

- The two videos I attached this week are both from Dan LeBatard’s radio show. He’s a Miami sportswriter that has a knack for capturing great moments with long, vulgar rants. Enjoy.

Until next month,

- Chode Out.

Chode Picks - NBA Finals

Welcome back, friends and family, to the first ever edition of the NBA Finals Chode Picks!! I know you’re all eagerly awaiting the unveiling of Chode’s coveted NBA Finals endorsement, but I’m going to need to bring you up to speed on a few other events across the sports landscape first, just to build the suspense. We’ve got some hockey, boxing, soccer, distance running and horse racing on tap, so let’s get to it. By the way, this week’s edition of the Chode Picks is brought to you by Everclear, Red Bull and Adderall XR. Stay thirsty, my friends. 

First up, I want to write about the only sport boring enough to make me want to watch professional hockey instead: international soccer. As you may or may not know or care about, EuroCup 2012 kicked off last week, pitting the best sixteen teams in the world’s second-most civilized continent against each other. Apparently this is how they get their competitive fix now that things like “genocide” and “world wars” are frowned upon across the pond. Anyways, the only reason I’m writing about the EuroCup at all is because I filled out a bracket and have a case of beer awaiting me when I win (you jackasses still owe me one from the NIT bracket, by the way), which gives me another excuse to shamelessly promote my own sports-predicting brilliance. So without further ado, I present to your 2012 EuroCup Champions (this will be the first and last time that I ever type these two words): VIVA ESPANA!!! Yes, I know that Spain won both the 2008 EuroCup and the 2010 World Cup, which makes everyone think that they’re due for a letdown, and I know that I’m betraying my Aryan heritage by not picking Germany, but I also can’t ignore the obvious fact that Spain is far and away the best team in the world. Everyone wants to root for a sexy underdog like Portugal or the Netherlands, but the truth is, Spain is just better, and in life, better people almost always win. Don’t get me wrong, I despise everything about Spain and their ass-backwards culture, but they’re most likely taking home whatever trophy they give out for winning the EuroCup.

Spain over Germany by hell, I don’t know. Two goals? Soccer sucks.

I’d also like to take a moment to officially switch my pick in the Stanley Cup Finals from the New Jersey Devils to the Los Angeles Kings. This decision was based upon hours of research and critical analysis, and has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that the Kings have a 3-2 lead in the series and are currently up by four goals halfway through the second period in game six. Congratulations Los Angeles, and tell your daughter to quit bitching now, Bill Simmons.

Boxing update! Manny Pacquiao got straight-up robbed. But you already knew that. Moving on.

On second thought, I’m not going to write about horse racing either. They’re all juicing anyways. Also, horses are smelly, disgusting creatures. They’re like hockey players with hooves. And better teeth.

Before I get to the sport that matters, I’m going to get into what I like to call “Chode Sports”, or more plainly, the sports that I actually still play at a competitive level. First and foremost, distance running. You know, back in high school I used to watch the cross country team run around the field during football practice and wonder “What the hell would motivate anybody to spend their free time running aimlessly? Runner’s high? Killer calf muscles? Girls in short shorts? It must be the short shorts.” After training for and completing the Madison Marathon last May, I still have no damn idea. Running any farther than five miles at a time is mind-numbingly boring, and adds injury to insult by making your legs and feet hurt for the next 48 hours. Unfortunately, I didn’t learn take this lesson to heart last year, and in an incredible stroke of idiocy, signed myself up for Grandma’s Marathon in Duluth, which takes place this Saturday. Luckily, I came up with a brilliant strategy to keep myself entertained and focused during the race. You see, typically around mile marker 21 in this particular marathon, the UM-Duluth venture out to aid the runners by giving away free cups of beer. Now, normally when someone offers me a free beer, I’ll take it without question (even from a frat guy, mostly because I don’t have boobs), but damn it, if I’m running 26.2 miles at once, I’m gonna need a little more fuel than that. So I’m planning on finding a keg and doing a 26.2 second keg stand before attempting to finish the race. I used the word “attempting” because I am completely unprepared for the running portion of this marathon. I haven’t run farther than 15 miles since last May, and I’ve been battling tendonitis in both feet throughout my training cycle. Also, I nearly fractured my shin last week trying to catch some dumb drunk girl who was falling down a flight of stairs (Lesson learned: don’t be a hero. Let her fall.). Fortunately however, I’ve been training HARD for the drinking part of this marathon. Without question, I am going to dominate that keg stand. I’m also pretty confident that I’ll be able to finish the race afterwards, thanks to a brilliant training technique that I invented. It’s called “chug, run-and-don’t-puke”. You see, during all of my long training sessions leading up to the race, I’ve stopped back at my apartment to shotgun a 16-ounce Natty Light before the last four-mile loop of my run. You’d be surprised how easy it is to get drunk after running 11 miles on a hot day. Anyways, I’ll let you guys know how it all works out next time. This is where you salute your computer screen and say “Good luck, Chode”. Thanks.

Time for the second and last Chode Sport of the summer. Take a guess what it is. Did you guess Ultimate Frisbee? You did? Why the hell would you guess Frisbee!?! Do I look like a fucking hippie to you? Anyways, since Madison has one of the biggest recreational Ultimate Frisbee leagues in the country, I went ahead and joined a team last year. I didn’t write about it last fall, because to be honest, we were fucking terrible, but this year it seems like we might have put a decent team together. Also, there’s free beer after the games. Good beer, too. Overall, even if your team sucks, it’s still a winning situation. With that said, I don’t expect team Electro-Flow-V (don’t ask) to lose a whole lot of games this summer. We’re 1-1 through the first two games, but our win was a blowout, and our loss came at the hands of a very organized, experienced, and well-conditioned team. I’ll keep you posted as the season goes on.

Damn it, I hate these Spotify commercials. I don’t give a flying fuck about your new album, Andre 3000, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let you convince me to give it a listen. Just go away.

Before I get to this year’s NBA Finals, it’s time to recap the madness that was last week’s gubernatorial recall election in the state of Wisconsin. I’m not going to lie, earlier in the year I figured that the liberal outrage over Scott Walker’s Budget Repair Bill would probably be enough to get him kicked out of office. I’d like to apologize to my state for underestimating the resolve of the silent majority. It’s now clear that outside of Madison and parts of Milwaukee, the citizens of this state actually want politicians to follow through on their campaign promises and make tough decisions. I don’t think I can put into words how gratifying it was watching the crowd outside of the capitol last Tuesday understand that they had just wasted another year of their lives. After the final election results were announced, there was one shining moment when all of the protesters were forced to take a good look in the mirror and realize what they had become: a bunch of idiots waving signs and chanting at someone who wasn’t even there. It was glorious. Sucks to suck. Now go back to work. And yes, I realize that 46 percent of you are now insanely angry with me.

So, that wraps up the non-important part of this week’s Chode Picks. Now, it’s time for the opportunity that I’ve been dying to write about for the past three days. I hoped that this day would come sooner, but unfortunately, my dreams were delayed by the New York Giants six months ago. Finally though, I get to tell you about one of my favorite three teams (Packers, Badgers and Heat, in that order) playing for a world championship. Yes. It’s time. I’m sure you all watched as Kevin Durant and the Oklahoma City Thunder dismantled the Spurs on their way to their first Finals. And I’m equally certain that you recently saw game seven of the Eastern Conference Finals, in which the Miami Heat knocked off the …

Hold on. I want to savor this for a minute.

THE CELTICS ARE OUT OF THE PLAYOFFS!! THE CELTICS ARE OUT OF THE PLAYOFFS!! RAJON RONDO LOOKS LIKE THE GEICO LIZARD!! PAUL PIERCE, THE REAL TRUTH IS: YOU’RE TOO DAMN OLD!!! KEVIN GARNETT CAN’T EVEN READ!! SAY GOODBYE TO THE LESSER “BIG THREE”!!! ENJOY WATCHING THE FINALS BOSTON!!!!!

Yes. Yes, yes, yes. Just for my own pleasure, I’m going to recap the Eastern Conference Finals between the Talents of South Beach and their most bitter rivals.

Games 1 and 2:
Miami: Hey Boston, guess what? We’ve got two players that are better than your entire team, and we’re going to prove it in Florida for a 2-0 lead. Suck it.

Games 3,4, and 5:
Boston: Well, Miami, in case you forgot, we still have three guys who know how to close out big games, along with the best young point guard in the league in Rajon Rondo. See you back in South Beach.

Game 6:
Chris Bosh: Hey, look at me!! I’m back in time to save the season!
LeBron: Fuck all of you. I’ll take 45 points and 15 rebounds, please.
Dwyane Wade: DAAAAAAAMN!! Good work, ‘Bron.

Game 7:
Doc Rivers: (insert cliché about veteran experience in Game 7 here)
Erik Spoelstra: This is literally a no-win situation for me.
Chris Bosh: Hey, guess what? I learned how to shoot threes when I was out!!
LeBron: Honestly, I hate all of you.
Wade: DAAAAAAAAMN!! It doesn’t matter what I do anyways, LeBron always takes all of the blame! Thank you, Skip Bayless!
LeBron: Oh by the way, I can make shots from halfcourt. DAGGER!!!
Paul Pierce: (sobbing)
LeBron: I have all the respect in the world for the Celtics (but seriously, fuck those guys). They had a great run (they’re too goddamn old). We’re looking forward to the next challenge. I won’t have any regrets this time (I am literally going to tear Kevin Durant’s arms off).
Pat Riley: Muhahahahaha!

Yup. The best part of the past series for me? In accordance with our previous bet, my two friends are now obligated to yell “LEBRON JAMES!!” the next time they sleep with a girl. Anyways, it’s about time for the world to retire their opinions about LeBron not being able to perform in big games, because he just eviscerated a championship-caliber team when it mattered the most. I think America is finally starting to get the message, because when I went out to celebrate the victory wearing a LeBron jersey/shirt that night, I literally could not walk ten feet in a crowded bar without somebody giving me a high five and telling me how sick they were of listening to all of the unfair criticism directed towards King James. This was in stark contrast to the past year, when I would have to endure taunts like “so, are you planning on leaving the bar 12 minutes early?” all night. At this point, there’s only one obstacle keeping LeBron from taking his rightful place as the second-greatest player in basketball history: winning an NBA championship (And if you think I’m exaggerating, consider the following: over the past ten playoff games, LeBron has scored 333 points on 234 shots and grabbed 111 rebounds. Nobody in history has ever had a run like that, ever. Not Jordan, not Magic, not Kobe, not anybody. He might be the most efficient player of all time).

With that said, we’re still headed for one HELL of a series, starting today. Let’s get to it.

NBA FINALS: MIAMI HEAT vs OKLAHOMA CITY THUNDER

If you know anything about basketball, or sports in general, you should recognize that this is a classic case of good vs evil. One of these teams was built the right way, through careful planning, smart roster moves and good coaching. The other was built the exact opposite way, by torturing an already desperate fan base, ripping their hearts out, and most importantly, tanking THREE ENTIRE SEASONS to acquire talent. That’s right. I’m going there. The Oklahoma City Thunder have built a contender in the most despicable way possible: stealing a team from one of the great sports cities in America, and purposely sucking enough to draft four young stars in Durant, Russell Westbrook, James Harden and Serge Ibaka. No matter how despicable you think LeBron’s “Decision” was, keep in mind that the Thunder management ripped a storied franchise with a budding young star away from Seattle under the most heartbreaking of circumstances. For that reason alone, the entire country should be rooting for the Heat. After all, this is the United States of America, where we’re taught that by working hard, finding the right friends and taking advantage of opportunity, we all can be champions. In conclusion, it’s obvious that there’s only one team that deserves your support over the next two weeks. It’s America’s Team: the Miami Heat.

Argue if you must. Just know that if you were in the right, I’d agree with you. Anyways, it’s time to break down this colossal matchup position by position.

Point Guard
First off, I love Mario Chalmers. He is the father of my child. But this isn’t about Mario Chalmers, or little Mario A. Chalmers Jr. And that’s because if LeBron is the most unfairly criticized athlete in the NBA, Russell Westbrook is second. On any team other than the Thunder or Heat, he would be the franchise player. Both in the halfcourt set and on the fast break, he’s a one-man scoring machine. Also, he plays all-world defense, and I can’t wait to watch him dunk over a bunch of white European dudes in London next month. Even with the loss of Eric Maynor (which NOBODY is talking about), Oklahoma City still has the clear edge at point guard.
ADVANTAGE: THUNDER

Shooting Guard
Pop quiz: how old do you think James Harden is? Time’s up, and you’re all wrong. He’s 22. TWENTY FUCKING TWO YEARS OLD!! Are you kidding me? It kind of makes me feel unaccomplished, considering that we’re the same age and his beard alone is far more impressive than anything I could ever hope to achieve. However, Harden’s age is both his greatest asset and biggest liability. He’s going to be matched up against a 30-year old Dwyane Wade, who not only has been here twice before, but knows that he can take over a game at any time. And if you haven’t noticed, Wade always seems to step up his game on the biggest stages. If you don’t believe me, go back and watch the 2006 NBA Finals, which was the greatest single championship performance the NBA has ever seen (yes, better than any Finals Jordan had). If I’m betting on either of these two great players faltering in a big moment, it’s sure as hell not going to be Wade.
ADVANTAGE: HEAT

Small Forward
One more disclaimer: I love Kevin Durant. He’s probably my favorite non-Heat player. He’s hard-working, humble and talented as hell. He has a legitimate chance to break Kareem’s NBA scoring record by the end of his career. That being said, he’s simply not the all-around player that LeBron is. Durant dominates on one end of the court, while LeBron is not only the second-best scorer in the league, he’s also the best defender in the world. He’s guarded everyone from the lightning-quick Derrick Rose at point guard to the massive, dominating force that is Dwight Howard at center. And he does it better than anyone we’ve ever seen. When LeBron is guarding you, the best you can hope for is a contested pull-up jumper. Until Durantula learns how to play defense at a similar level, LeBron will always be the better player.
ADVANTAGE: HEAT

Power Forward
This is where it gets difficult. Was Bosh’s game 7 outburst an outlier, or is he truly healthy and ready to make a difference in this series? Can he keep hitting three pointers like Larry Bird, or did he just make a few lucky jumpers? We’ll know in a matter of days. But until he proves me wrong, I have to take the All-Star Bosh over Kendrick Perkins, whose offensive repertoire consists of easy put-back dunks and semi-intimidating glares. Perkins’ best quality is his ability to neutralize elite centers like Andrew Bynum and Pau Gasol, of which the Heat have none. In short, I don’t think Perkins can guard Bosh all the way out to the perimeter, and I don’t think he’s a threat to hurt Miami on offense. Don’t make a fool out of me, Chris.
ADVANTAGE: HEAT

Center
Serge Ibaka vs Joel Anthony/Udonis Haslem/Ronny Turiaf. Son of a bitch. 
ADVANTAGE: THUNDER

Bench Players
This is hard to pin down. Both the Heat and the Thunder rely on a wide array of lineups, to the point where it’s hard to classify starters from bench players, simply because many of the “second string” guys end up playing more minutes than the presumed starters. On Miami’s side, we have Shane Battier, Mike Miller, Norris Cole and James Jones. For OKC, there’s Thabo Sefolosha (yes, I know he’s technically a starter, but Harden is the real difference maker), Nick Collison and Derek Fisher. Actually, now that I put that on paper, it looks a lot better for Miami than I thought. Fisher is old and slow, Sefolosha never touches the ball, and Nick Collison is white. Assuming Battier, Miller and Jones can hit a few three-pointers, I gotta give this one to Miami.
ADVANTAGE: HEAT

Coaching
I love Erik Spoelstra. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s the fact that he always wears the same suit. Or his Filipino good looks. Or that he worked his way up from film-room coordinator to head coach. Or that he spends more time on the court than most of the Heat’s bench. Whatever it is, I think his Finals experience gives him an edge over Scott Brooks.
ADVANTAGE: HEAT

Home Court Advantage
Duh.
ADVANTAGE: THUNDER

Regardless of the advantages the Heat might have in this series, one thing sticks out that worries me deeply: Oklahoma City has lost exactly three games in the playoffs this year. The Heat are a paltry 12-6 by comparison. With that in mind, I can see why the Thunder are favored. But you know what? As a Heat fan, it feels good to be the underdog for once. No matter what happens, I’ll say it again, we’re all in for one HELL of a series.

Miami in seven.

Also, if the Heat lose, I get slapped in the face twice, in accordance with two slap-bets I made earlier in the year. So if you’re rooting for the Thunder just to spite me, I get it. Just know that I’m going to be even more insufferable if my team wins.

If you need another reason to watch the Finals this year, try playing the following game that me and my friends invented last week. Get two or three of your friends together, and at the start of the fourth quarter, each of you “drafts” two players. Then for the rest of the game, every time one of your players makes a three-point attempt, you get to give out a shot. We played this during game five of the OKC-San Antonio series last week, and the teams combined to make nine threes in the final period. Needless to say, it was a fun night.

Some final thoughts before I call it a night:

- Almost forgot to mention that I met Jordy Nelson AND Mason Crosby at a bar in Madison about a month ago. Unfortunately, I was drunker than a freshman girl at a football game, so I didn’t really know what to do. So naturally, I walked up to them, threw two drinks in their faces and shouted “THE FUCKING GIANTS!! REALLY!?!?!”.

- Just kidding. In reality, I bought them both a beer and congratulated them both on a fantastic season. Don’t ask me why I felt like I needed to buy drinks for a couple of multi-millionaires.

- Mason Crosby is a weird-looking dude.

- I attached two Cracked.com videos at the end of this post. If you don’t think the first one is funny, then you clearly have a more mature sense of humor than I do. Congratulations. Of you don’t think the second one is funny, keep watching more of the episodes in the series. The get better. And I apologize for the ads. And the first thirty seconds of each episode. But they’re worth it.

- Seven and a half pages. Single spaced. New Chode Picks record. Thank God I don’t have to work tomorrow.

- Win or lose, I’m still going to write again after the Finals. Stay tuned.

- LET’S GO HEAT!!!!

- Chode Out.