Chode Picks - Week 2

And we’re back, with the 2nd edition in the historic 5th season of Chode Picks. You read that right. I’ve been writing this shit for almost half a decade now. Holy balls I’m getting old. And I’ve only retired once in that span. Looks like I’ve got some work to do. 

Last week was a fantastic one for many reasons. First and foremost, the Vikings lost, which is enough to put a smile on my face. Also, the Packers survived the Michael Vick experience to start the season 1-0. Aaron Rodgers looked strangely human, but he always plays better as the season goes on. His massive testicles were probably weighing him down as well.

Another reason why this week was great: I got my MCAT scores back. I scored a 39. The average score for medical students at UW-Madison is 31.5. The average at Harvard is 35. Chode University owns Harvard University. Ironically, I scored below average on the writing portion.

Last but not least, this week was awesome because Team USA took home the gold medal at the World Basketball Championships, defeating Turkey on their home court in the championship game. Keep in mind this team had only one NBA All-Star on the roster, Kevin Durant. Apparently LeBron, Kobe, Wade, Dwight Howard, Amar’e Stoudemire and Carmelo Anthony all had better things to do than represent their country. At the start of the tournament, most American sportswriters were picking Spain to take home the gold. What nobody saw coming though, was the excellent team play that the US displayed throughout the tournament. Unlike previous USA Basketball squads, this group seemed to understand that they needed to make extra passes on offense and play team defense in order to win. And win they did. The red, white and blue went 9-0 in the tournament, with their only close game coming in preliminary play, a 2-point victory over Brazil. 

“But Chode”, you ask, “Why are you writing about basketball in a football column?” I’m telling you this because nobody in the US gives a damn about the World Championships, and that needs to change. I can’t tell you how many times people would walk by me during a game and ask “Why are you watching basketball in the summer?”, to which I would reply “Because I love my country, asshole!” Shame on you for not caring, America. Also, Kevin Durant is going to win the NBA MVP Award this year. Write it down.

One more basketball-related item (last one, I swear). You may have heard that a certain kid from Akron, Ohio signed with the Miami Heat this summer. For the record, I would like to make it clear that I’ve been a Heat fan since 2003. I don’t care if you believe me or not. As happy as I was to see LeBron team up with Bosh and Wade, I couldn’t help but feel sorry for the city of Cleveland as Lebron’s “Decision” turned into “LeMassacre”. Not since Hiroshima has a city been so completely devastated by the actions of one man. God must hate Cleveland. On the flip side, I can’t wait to watch Miami destroy the rest of the league for the next three years. I’ve had enough of listening to old sports analysts talk about how LeBron’s choice reflects the attitude of the “selfish, younger generation”. To hell with them. What was their generation doing in their early 20s? Oh that’s right: smoking pot, wearing tye-dye shirts and spitting on Vietnam veterans. Up yours, baby boomers. I hope the Heat win 10 championships. Also, if you have time, look up “Dan LeBatard Rejoices Over The Three Kings” on YouTube. Good stuff.

Okay, time to get back to football. Here are the picks:

Chode’s All Stars (1-0) vs Team Beaupre (1-0)

Yes, I know. Ryan Grant is out for the season. Adding insult to injury, none of you guys were dumb enough to bite on my trade offers for him. Congratulations. Luckily, I had the foresight to draft a fantastic backup, Jon “The Daily Show” Stewart. (On a side note, Stephen Colbert is much, much more entertaining) As for Team Beaupre, you’re playing me this week, so naturally, you’re losing. Team Beaupre is starting both Matt Forte against Dallas, and Dallas’ defense against Matt Forte. A bit of a lose-lose situation there, Mike.

Chode’s All Stars by 700

Gotta get up to get down (0-1) vs Its on like Ndamukong (1-0)

Last week I predicted that Javhid Best’s career would be a huge, embarrassing failure. On Sunday, he scored twice, as if to say “Fuck you Chode, looks like your career as a writer is a huge, embarrassing failure”. Well played, Jahvid. I hope you suffer a high ankle sprain. Unfortunately for Best and the Lions, it looks like Matt Stafford is going to be out for a while with a shoulder injury. Detroit’s new starter is Shaun Hill, who would have had a game-winning TD pass last week, if only Calvin Johnson could hang on to the football. I’ll wait for Eric to stop scowling. Ok, we’re good. What happened last week was the type of call that only occurs when you play for the Detroit Lions. However, the Bears players still have to live with the fact that they should have lost to Detroit. I predict that Chad Ochocinco will drop a game winning pass for Its on like Ndamukong this week.

Gotta get up to get down by 5

The Fightin’ Aromashodus (1-0) vs Brett Favre (0-1)

I’d like to take a moment to point out that Manning Bowl II takes place this week. The Colts won the first meeting in 2006, and despite the fact that the Giants looked better in Week 1, I’m picking Indy to beat New York again. It’s the older brother factor. No matter how good Eli becomes in the NFL, he’ll always have memories of Peyton giving him wedgies and sticking his head in the toilet as a kid. Also, I’m pretty sure the Colts haven’t lost two games in a row in the past 3 seasons (not counting games at the end of the year when they keep starters out). It’s hard to pick the Figthin’ Aromashodus when Dave isn’t starting a defense, but Jason leaves me no choice since he refuses to change his team name. Dick.

The Fightin’ Aromashodus by 3.141

Mountain Dudes (0-1) vs ThongPong4LIFE (0-1)

HA! I finally pick you to win, Nate and you LOSE. Reverse psychology. Suck it. Also, I can’t help but notice that Kyle Orton is your starting QB. How do you feel about that? I have 3 QBs on my roster better than him. And I’m pretty sure I could find somebody on waivers to make it 4. As for Will, I’m not optimistic, considering he’s starting the Packers’ defense against the high-octane Buffalo offense, led by Trent Edwards. Tough pick, but the world didn’t end last time I picked Nate, so might as well try it again.

Mountain Dudes by 18

Abu Garcia (1-0) vs Flaming Gingers (0-1)

Raise your hand if you feel like an idiot for not drafting Arian Foster. Don’t feel bad, I have no idea where this guy came from either. On a related note, calling Abu Garcia’s RB position a logjam doesn’t do it justice. No, Abu Garcia has a full-blown RB clusterfuck. Foster, Brandon Jackson, Ryan Matthews, Knowshon Moreno, Darren McFadden and Tim Hightower. You realize that there are other positions on offense, right Jared? Eventually Tono Romo will have a bye week. I think it’s hilarious that you might lose to a team named Flaming Gingers this week, so that’s my pick. Go Gingers!

Flaming Gingers by 21

A few more interesting tidbits:
- The Houston Texans defeated the Indianapolis Colts 34-24 last week, and the universe did not consume itself.
- The Wisconsin Badgers play Austin Peay (pronounced: Austin Pee) at home this week. Should be a good game.
- It’s Chode Thursday.

-Chode Out.