Chode Picks - Week 4

Hello again friends, and welcome to week 4 of the Chode Picks, brought to you by Pabst Blue Ribbon, a true American beer. I owe a special thank you to the good people of Pabst, since their product has helped to partially erase what was a miserable week of football. Yes, I’m talking about the Packers-Bears atrocity from Monday night. More on that later. Chode’s All-Stars also dropped to 1-2 last week. The lone bright spot from the week was Wisconsin’s 70-3 victory over powerhouse Austin Peay. (pronounced: Austin Pee) The Badgers scored touchdowns on their first 9 possesions of the game, and Brad Nortman, Wisconsin’s punter, didn’t enter the game until midway through the 4th quarter. For some reason, however, the voters in the polls voted Alabama, who barely got past a weak Arkansas team, ahead of Wisconsin. Bullshit. The Badgers are unstoppable this year, and are poised to appear in the national championship game for the first time since 1963. Expect more 50+ point blowouts in the Big Ten season.

Before I get to the picks, I want to bring your attention to a truly incredible football player: JaMarcus Russell. As you may remember, Russell was the #1 overall pick in the 2007 NFL Draft, selected by the Oakland Raiders. Russell was projected to be the quarterback to lead Oakland out of football obscurity and back into the national spotlight, and to his credit, JaMarcus broke his fair share of records during his tenure with the Raiders. Here are some of Russell’s notable NFL accomplishments:

- Russell was awarded the highest rookie contract in NFL history, with $31.5 million guaranteed.
- Russell was cut from his team faster than any #1 pick in NFL history
- Russell broke an unofficial QB record by reporting to training camp at 303 lbs in 2010.

Early in training camp this season, the Raiders realized that they had no choice but to release Russell, after noticing that his offensive linemen no longer formed a pocket around him so much as they fell into orbit around him. After his release, Russell was arrested for possession of codeine and promethazine, the two active ingredients in prescription cough syrup (more commonly known as “Purple Drank”). I would like to take this occasion to label JaMarcus Russell as the biggest bust in NFL history, surpassing Tony Mandarich, Joey Harrington and Ryan Leaf. In honor of JaMarcus’s historic feat, I drank two bottles of cough syrup and chased them with a six pack of Red Bull before I started writing. I see three keyboards in front of me, it’s getting increasingly harder to spell words correctly, and the squiggly red lines are mocking me. Also, I can control time. Not only does Red Bull give you wings, it also gives you superhuman powers.

Chode’s All Stars (1-2) vs Gotta get up to get down (1-2)

Vick for MVP anyone? Since being unleashed (no pun intended) on the league in week 2, Vick has led the Eagles to two straight victories, and has compiled the second best passer rating in the league, only behind Peyton Manning. He seems to have all of his pre-prison speed back, and he’s been more accurate than ever since taking the starting job in Philadelphia. Personally, I couldn’t be happier for the guy. I think that his prison term was the best thing that could have happened to him as a person. The sincerity of his apologies and the brilliance of his play have put him back into the spotlight, this time in a good way. It’s a great redemption story, and if Vick ever leads the Eagles to a championship, you can bet some Hollywood agency will make a kick-ass movie about his life. America loves a winner. Despite Vick’s heroics, however, Chode’s All Stars have lost two games in a row. Unacceptable. Other than Vick and Chris Johnson, my players have been shitting all over my season. Luckily, I made some roster changes this week and we’re turning it around, starting now. Chode’s All Stars will not lose a game from this point on, damn it.

Chode’s All Stars by 7

The Fightin’ Aromashodus (2-1) vs Team Beaupre (3-0)

I couldn’t be more disappointed in you, Mike. You beat me in week 2, the Bears beat the Packers on Monday Night Football, and you’re the only undefeated team left in the league. After all that, you couldn’t muster up the balls to send a single gloating text? Not one taunt or insult? NOTHING?? Come on, man. I expect more. I write 5,000 words for you every week, and I at least expect you to rub it in my face when you own me. On a related note, that Packer game was complete bullshit. If you’re a Bears fan, you left that game feeling like you just robbed a children’s hospital. Chicago didn’t win that game, Green Bay gave it away. And Jay Cutler still sucks. He did everything in his power to lose that game. Cutler threw interceptions galore, only to have each one negated by a Packer penalty. Congratulations, Jay. By the way, Aaron Rodgers was the only Packer that looked good in that game. I really hope they learn from the loss. Luckily, we get Detroit this week. Damn it, Mike is going to win again.

Team Beaupre by 16

Its on like Ndamukong (1-2) vs ThongPong4LIFE (0-3)

Congratulations, Will. You’re 11 games away from a perfect 0-14 record. And you’re starting Brett Favre, who not only sucks, but has a bye this week. Brilliant. If he’s not playing, he can’t score negative points. Actually, both of these teams suck something awful. But Ndamukong sucks less.

It’s on like Ndamukong by 0.00003

Brett Favre (2-1) vs Flaming Gingers (1-2)

The fact that a team named Brett Favre has a better record than me is infuriating. Fuck this league. Also, if you haven’t heard, Donovan McNabb and the Redskins are playing the Eagles in Philadelphia this week. Wait a minute. There’s an intriguing story here……… wait for it………… Ah, shit. I forgot what it was. Wait a minute! Donovan McNabb played for Syracuse in college! Syracuse played against Pittsburgh! Pittsburgh is in Pennsylvania and SO IS PHILADELPHIA!!!

Flaming Gingers by 9

Mountain Dudes (2-1) vs Abu Garcia (1-2)

Once again, fuck you Nate. You will not beat me again. However, you will beat Jared this week, because he is discovering that having a roster full of running backs means you’re screwed when your quarterbacks, receivers and tight ends have bye weeks. Amazingly, Jared is still projected to win this week. That’s how shitty your team is, Nate. Sorry for all the negativity, but seriously, suck it.

Abu Garcia by 23

Well, that’s all for the picks this week. Before I let you go, I have a few final thoughts to share with you. And you’re going to read them, because I’m awesome.

Get Him to the Greek is hilarious. Watch it.

Nobody cares about the Ryder Cup (or golf in general).

President Obama came to the UW campus on Tuesday. Rather than detailing his plan to fix the economy or encouraging students to work hard in school, Obama chose to use his speech to campaign for Tom Barrett and Russ Feingold. Fantastic. Thank you, but I don’t need the President to tell me who to vote for. I can think for myself. During his campaign, Obama promised change, but his term as President has been nothing but politics as usual. It also infuriates me that he repeatedly hurled insults at the Republican Party in the shadow of Abe Lincoln’s statue on Bascom Hill. ABE FUCKING LINCOLN!! THE GREATEST PRESIDENT/AMERICAN OF ALL TIME! Please, readers. If you enjoy the Chode Picks, vote for Scott Walker, Ron Johnson, and whoever runs against Obama in 2012. For America.

- Chode Out.