Chode Picks - Week 5

Welcome back to Week 5 of the Chode Picks, brought to you by Powerthirst. Before we begin, I would like to express my complete astonishment that I am both awake and coherent enough to type this morning. I finished my last of three midterm exams in 8 days last night, and felt that a celebration was in order. My last coherent memory is taking a shot of Everclear around 11:00 and thinking to myself “there’s no way I’m making it to lecture in the morning”. I woke up at 7:30 this morning wearing a sailor hat, lying on top of a bare mattress and wondering aloud “where the hell am I?” I soon deduced that I was, in fact, in my own room. After inspecting the room for vomit or other bodily fluids, I staggered to class and spent the next hour listening to some crazy old man ramble on about dark matter and how it proves that the universe is flat. Whatever. So here I sit now, and we’ve got some important issues to cover before I get to the picks.

First, I want to apologize to Mike Vick and his family. Clearly, my praise last week was the perfect jinx for the Eagles, and Vick went down with injured ribs as Washington ran Philadelphia off the field in a sweet homecoming game for Donovan McNabb. And now I’m stuck with Eli Manning as my starting QB.

Second, I owe all of the readers an apology as well. Last week was the first time all season that I failed to make a reference to male genitalia in the Chode Picks. Please forgive me, and accept my belated attempt. Boner. Boner, boner, boner. Balls.

Third, I have a message for the entire state of Minnesota: shut the hell up. Randy Moss does not make the Vikings a Super Bowl contender. Since the trade was announced on Wednesday, I’ve been forced to listen to my Minnesotan friends rave about how the Vikings have the best receivers in football. This is not true, and it illustrates a fundamental problem that all Minnesota sports fans seem to have: the inability to distinguish video games from reality. If the NFL were “Madden ’11”, the Vikings would have the best offense in the league. Unfortunately for the mud ducks, however, pure talent does not win games. Teams like New England understand the importance of team chemistry and discipline. Teams like Minnesota ignore these qualities and will never win a championship without them.

Team chemistry, while of vital importance in football, is not all that important in baseball. This explains why the talent-heavy Yankees are kicking the shit out of the Twins in the MLB playoffs. I couldn’t be enjoying it more. For the record, I despise the Yankees because they represent everything wrong with professional sports, but my hatred for all things Minnesotan has spurred me to become a Yankee fan this week. Every time the Yankees win, I blast “Empire State of Mind” on the stereo in my apartment. Two of my roommates are diehard Twins fans. They want to kill me. I do not feel bad.

In a related story, the Badgers play the Gophers at home this week. I can’t wait. It doesn’t even matter that we lost to Michigan State last week (I may have been a bit optimistic in my prediction of a 70-3 blowout), because the Gophers suck ass this year. And there’s nothing worse than sucking ass. Unless it’s losing the battle for the Axe seven years in a row. That’s embarrassing.

In summary: Fuck you Minnesota. Fuck your Vikings, fuck your Twins, fuck your disgusting cities and all of their rich suburbs, and fuck your 10,000 lakes.

Okay, time for the picks.

Chode’s All Stars (1-3) vs Its on like Ndamukong (2-2)

Chode’s All Stars suffered another spectacular loss last week, as the Chode cleverly left Terrell Owens on the bench while he scored 30 points. My bench actually outscored my starters, despite the fact that I filled every roster spot. And I lost by less than 2 points. I am an awful manager. I’ll admit it. The only reason I play fantasy football is so I have an excuse to write. I think I can turn this train wreck of a season around though, and it starts this week. Besides, there’s no way I can lose 4 in a row. The Cowardly Lions, however, have lost 4 in a row, and seem poised to make it 5 against St. Louis this week. Remember at the start of the season, when everyone was talking about how much better Detroit was going to be this year? Yeah, me too. That was a good one.

Chode’s All Stars by 30

Gotta get up to get down (3-1) vs Mountain Dudes (2-2)

If you haven’t noticed, many players wore pink gloves, cleats, and other accessories last week, because October is National Breast Cancer Month. Or something. It’s great to see the players come together for a good cause like healthy boobs. The Chode salutes you, NFL. Hooray for boobies! The Chode also encourages all females to regularly perform self-examinations. Or come find me, and I’ll do it. And you’ll like it. We really need some more female readers. Honestly. Kind of a bro-fest in here, fellas.
Anyways, I’m not quite sure how Kenne keeps winning, but I’ve learned not to look a gift horse in the ass. Or something.

Gotta get up to get down by 14

The Fightin’ SirMichaels (3-1) vs Ben there raped that (2-2)

The Kansas City Chiefs are the only undefeated team left in the NFL. Read that sentence again. That’s right, Kansas City, a team that put together 10 wins in the previous 3 seasons. Meanwhile, the Indianapolis Colts, who started the season 14-0 last year, are 2-2, with losses to Houston and Jacksonville. This week, the Chiefs go on the road against the Colts, and pretty much every analyst is picking Indianapolis to end the Chiefs’ streak. Not me. The Colts have gotten soft, ever since they threw the last 2 games of the 2009 season to rest their starters before the playoffs. Ha. Karmic kick to the balls. Go Chiefs.
By the way, I love the team name, Jared. However, your grammar is incorrect. Your name should be “Been there raped that”. Unless you’re cleverly telling us that you raped a man named Ben. In that case, you should get tested.

Ben there raped that by 8=======> (it’s a penis, get it?)

Team Beaupre (3-1) vs Brett Favre (2-2)

Triple whammy for Mike last week. The Bears lost, Jay Cutler got concussed, and Team Beaupre suffered their first loss of the year. Without looking, tell me who the Bears’ new starting QB is. Give up? It’s Todd “you’ve never heard of me because I suck” Collins. Thank you, New York Giants. Team Beaupre should bounce back pretty well this week. And I get the feeling that Jason doesn’t give a damn about his team.

Team Beaupre by 15

ThongPong4LIFE (0-4) vs Flaming Gingers (2-2)

Thank you, Will, for making my team look better by comparison. Your commitment to futility is the only thing keeping me out of last place. Also, I was delighted to hear that you lost to Kenne thanks to Chad Henne’s last interception on Monday Night, if only because it means somebody else in the league has worse luck than me. To be fair though, you brought it on yourself when you put the Traitor in your starting lineup. Boo.

Flaming Gingers by 5

In case you missed it (and you probably did), the US Women’s National team took home the gold medal at the World Basketball Championships in Turkey last week. In a related story, nobody gives a shit.

-Chode Out.