Chode Picks - Week 6

Good morning friends, and welcome to Week 6 of the Chode Picks, brought to you by Zooniversity Music and Cascia Films. Last week was a fascinating one, with lots of highs and lows, and a few middles as well. Let me touch on a few of the more interesting moments before we get to the picks.

First, I would like to congratulate the University of Minnesota Football team for losing the battle for Paul Bunyan’s Axe for a record-breaking 7 years in a row. With a 41-23 victory, the Badgers wrapped up their 14th victory in the past 16 years in the series. I was 13 years old the last time a Gopher carried the Axe, and I expect to be close to 30 by the time Minnesota takes it home again. It’s really not fair to call the game a rivalry anymore so much as a yearly display of Wisconsin dominance over the pitiful Gophers. If Tim Brewster doesn’t lose his job before next season, I’ll run laps around Camp Randall naked. Again.

Keeping in the theme of Minnesota failure, Benedict Brett and the Vikings suffered a crushing defeat at the hands of the New York J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS on Monday night. The Vikings seemed poised for a dramatic, game-winning drive at the end of the fourth quarter when right on cue, the Evil One began overthrowing wide-open receivers and firing fastballs at the guys in green and white. Predictably, one of these passes ended up in the hands of New York safety Dwight Lowery and was returned for the game-clinching TAINT [Touchdown After INTerception (yes, I made that term up, and I’m using parentheses inside of parentheses. Boom.)]. As you may have noticed throughout the course of the past two years, I am not a huge fan of the Traitor. But even I could not have scripted a better finale for that purple bastard than what has occurred through the first 5 weeks of the season. At this point, watching the Vikings lose is more satisfying than watching the Packers win. If that makes me a bad person, so be it. I’m glad the nation is finally getting to see the true Favre, stripped of all his hype and glamour: a strong-armed, inaccurate, overrated thrower who would have never won a Super Bowl without an immense wealth of talent surrounding him. Aaron Rodgers would have beaten Elway’s Broncos. If you disagree, I will fight you.

In other Favre news, you may have heard that Judas is in the middle of a controversy involving former Jets reporter Jenn Sterger. If you haven’t already, do a Google images search for her. I’ll give you a minute.
You’re welcome.
Apparently, one evening when he was playing for New York, Favre forgot that he had a super hot wife and two daughters at home, and decided to attempt to “seduce” Ms. Sterger, and by “seduce” I mean “send pictures of his dick via cell phone”. Congratulations Brett, you’ve taken over the lead for the Chode Picks 2nd annual Douche of the Year Award. 
The most amusing part about the entire scandal is that Benedict Brett absolutely refuses to address the issue in any of his interviews. For once in my life, I would like to see a high-profile athlete come out and be completely honest about an issue like this. For example, Favre could say “Yeah, I was drunk one night and sent a picture of my junk to Jenn because she’s smoking hot. If you were a famous NFL quarterback and in my position, you might have done the same thing. Your move, Tiger”. Mike Vick was mostly forgiven for his crimes by coming clean, and it’s time for Brett to do the same.

Gotta get up to get down (3-2) vs Flaming Gingers (3-2)

Alright, I’m going to be honest with you. I may have been a bit biased when I predicted a 19-0 season from the Pack this year. However, I really wasn’t counting on having half of Green Bay’s starters injured by week 6 and every lucky bounce going Chicago and Washington’s way in the two losses. The truth is, as poorly as the injured Packers have played, we still should be 5-0. Losing Grant and Finley might keep us out of the Super Bowl this year, but the Pack should still be considered the favorite to win the NFC North. Unless Rodgers’s concussion turns out to be serious. As much as I like Matt Flynn, we won’t finish above .500 with him starting. This season, A-Rod is the beginning, middle and end of our offense. He’s good enough that if we can give him enough time to throw and an average defense, he’ll carry us to 10 wins, no matter who he’s throwing to. No reason to panic.

Flaming Gingers by 23

Brett Favre (2-3) vs Mountain Dudes (3-2)

The Dallas Cowboys, however, have every reason to hit the panic button. In fact, they should be jumping up and down on the panic button at this point. All of the preseason hype and expectations that surrounded Jerry Jones’s team are now a distant memory. The 1-3 Cowboys play the 1-3 Vikings this week in this season’s Underachiever Bowl, and the loser can pretty much forget about the playoffs until 2011. Never thought I would say this, but go Cowboys! Ugh. Doesn’t feel right. America’s Team my ass. Nate, you’re playing against a team with two empty roster spots, and you’re still projected to lose. Helluva team you put together. Can’t pick Jason though.

Mountain Dudes by cos(180)

Mark’s dirty sanchez (3-2) vs ThongPong4LIFE (0-5)

My apologies, Jared. I didn’t catch the clever reference to Ben Roethlisberger in your team name this week. Unacceptable on my part. I’ve got it this week, though. I’m not really sure why you’re using your fantasy team to campaign for California politician Mark Sanchez, but I’m sure you have your reasons, and the important thing is that we all know it now. In case you haven’t heard, this Sunday Roethlisberger comes back from his 4-week vacation, during which he presumably spent his time trying to find new things to put his penis in. Some might criticize Big Ben, but we all know the truth: a sex addict is just a single man who’s honest about how many women he wants to sleep with. Hold your heads high, Ben, Kobe, Tiger, Jason Kidd, Jeter, Rodman, Wilt, Magic, Shawn Kemp, Marv Albert, Favre, Culpepper and the rest of the Vikings boat cruise.

Mark’s dirty sanchez by 6

Team Beaupre (4-1) vs Its on like Ndamukong (2-3)

Mike, I despise your skill at managing fantasy football teams. Year in and year out, you field a team that is at or near the top of the standings. I want all of your players tested for HGH, and I want them tested now. You think Brees got that mark on his face naturally? Speaking of ugly quarterbacks, Tom Brady needs a haircut. Seriously. Normally I don’t care what football players look like off the field, but the Patriots are losing their edge, and it starts with the guy under center, who is apparently too whipped by his supermodel girlfriend to notice that the entire city of Boston can’t stand looking at him. Damn it. Team Beaupre is going to win again.

Team Beaupre by 12

Chode’s All Stars (2-3) vs The Fightin’ SirMichaels (3-2)

Congratulations to Chode’s All Stars for breaking their 3-game losing streak with a 74 point victory last week. Complete asskicking. Expect more of the same this week. I don’t know who SirMichael is, but he’s not going to be able to sit down comfortably for a few days.

Chode’s All Stars by 300

In case you missed it, the top-ranked Alabama Crimson tide lost to South Carolina last week. This means that the Ohio State Buckeyes are now the #1 team in the land. Guess who comes to Camp Randall tomorrow? That’s right, Terrelle Pryor and his overrated band of scarlet and gray punks. Almost two years ago to the day, the Buckeyes came to Madison and handed the Badgers a rare home loss behind a last-minute touchdown run by Pryor. Even with the sour outcome, it was the most memorable game I’ve ever been in the stands for. I’ve never been in a louder stadium than that night. Honestly, I’m not expecting a win tomorrow, but I’m hoping for a close game just for the atmosphere. And if Wisconsin happens to pull off the upset, there will be riots, led by the Chode himself.

-Chode Out.