Chode Picks - Week 8

Hello again, and welcome to the 2010 Halloween edition of the Chode Picks, brought to you by Bud Light, the breakfast of champions. Words cannot describe how excited I am for this weekend, which officially begins in three hours and nineteen minutes (7:00PM Thursday). With the Badgers on their bye week, the holiday comes at the perfect time for UW-Madison students, and you can literally feel the excitement walking around campus. It also helps that Wisconsin beat Iowa last week and that the Packers took out Judas and the Vikings last weekend. More on the Green Bay-Minnesota game later.

For the first time in over three decades, the Wisconsin Badgers have defeated two top-15 ranked teams in consecutive weeks. With their 31-30 road win over the Hawkeyes, the Badgers have leaped into the top 10 in the BCS rankings, and seem poised to run the table. Here’s how the rest of Wisconsin’s schedule looks: at Purdue, home against Indiana, at Denard Robinson, and finally home against Northwestern. I’m not worried about the first two games, but Northwestern always seems to find a way to shit on the Badgers near the end of the season, and Robinson is a talented and dangerous team. (Editors note: apparently, there will be 10 other guys on the field with Denard against Wisconsin. Has this been happening all season?) Regardless, if the Badgers win out, they still need Michigan State to lose twice in order to reach the Rose Bowl. Raise your hand if you thought the Spartans would be the last undefeated team in the Big Ten. Put your hand down. You’re lying. Even if MSU doesn’t lose twice, however Wisconsin should still make their first BCS bowl game since 2000 if they finish 11-1. Stay tuned. And in the meantime, wrap your heads around this:

Wisconsin beats Iowa by 1
Iowa beats Iowa State by 28
Iowa State beats Texas by 7
Texas beats Nebraska by 7
Nebraska beats Idaho by 21
Idaho beats North Dakota by 45

Therefore, Wisconsin beats North Dakota by 109. Suck it, Jon.

Also, I was wrong when I said that the Badgers have the two best running backs in the Big Ten. Forgive me. What I meant to say is that the Badgers have the THREE best running backs in the Big Ten. John Clay, James White and Montee Ball make up the greatest three headed monster in college football history. It’s almost unfair. It’s like three NBA All-stars decided to sign with the same team. Speaking of which………

The Miami heat lost their first game of the season against Boston. The Celtics then turned around and lost to the Cleveland Cavaliers the very next night, proving Dan Gilbert’s claim that the Cleveland will win an NBA Championship before Miami does. Hold on, I need to change my pants, I just pissed myself laughing. I’m not worried about the loss to the Celtics, because It’s going to take a while for Dwyane, LeBron and Chris to get the hang of playing with each other. Once they develop some chemistry and find their roles though, watch out. Also, in honor of King James’ newest Nike commercial (what should I do?), I’m opening up the Chode Picks to suggestions. Put a topic on the Facebook group, and I’ll try to find an angle to write about it in the picks next week. 

Its on like Ndamukong (3-4) vs Flaming Gingers (4-3)

If you haven’t noticed yet, Dan is making an attempt to acquire an all-Titans team. Why? I have no damn idea. Its not going to work, but if Dan wants to throw away his season, who am I to tell him not to? 
My intramural flag football team plays our second playoff game this Sunday, against a team named Its on like Ndamukong. Our team name is the Mile Hy-Men, with Denver Bronco colors. I have yet to hear a better flag football team name. Let me know if you have one. Our opponents this week finished the regular season 2-2, while we went 3-1. Somehow, they got a first round bye and we didn’t. We’re going to kick their asses. By the way, I’m leading the league in sacks. Thought you should know.

Flaming Gingers by 7

Gotta get up to get down (4-3) vs Brett Favre (3-4)

Revenge is a dish best served cold and with a side of broken ankle. The Traitor’s karmic choke/injury last week was long overdue. I can’t tell you how happy it makes me that the Packers defense is going to be responsible for the end of Benedict Brett’s ironman streak. And you thought I was full of shit when I said the Vikings would miss the playoffs this year (yes, I know I also said the 49ers would make the playoffs). From now on at my apartment, whenever a player completely overshoots the table in beer pong, it will be referred to as a “Brett Favre”. Also, I want to let you in on a wager I made with one of my Minnesotan roommates at the start of the year: whichever teams is knocked out of the playoffs first, the loser must yell the name of the other team’s starting quarterback the next time they sleep with a girl. I’ll make sure I’m in the apartment when my buddy Jake screams “AARON RODGERS!” this winter.

Gotta get up to get down by 12

Aww Yeeaaa Badgers Yeeaaa (4-3) vs Mountain Dudes (4-3)

I’d like to give a shout out to the Menomonie Indians this week, who won their first round playoff game against Holmen on Tuesday night in dominating fashion, 35-7. The 11th ranked Indians play Merrill next week, the same team that ended their season a year ago. Don’t count on it happening again. I think this Menomonie team has a legitimate shot at taking home the Division II state championship. Of course, if they choke against the Blue Jays on Saturday, I’ll put my foot in my mouth. I’m going to keep picking Dave as long as Wisconsin keeps winning.

Aww Yeeaaa Bagers Yeeaaa by 1848

Chode’s All Stars (2-5) vs Romo Witten his pants (5-2)

Another week, another glorious loss for Chode’s All Stars. Things will turn around eventually. Same for Jared, only in his case they turned around very quickly when Tony Romo broke his collarbone last week. A smart man would trade for a capable quarterback in this situation, say Carson Palmer or Mike Vick. For the low, low price of Andre Johnson, either one is a bargain that you simply can’t pass up, Jared. Just do it. Click “accept trade”. Do it now. Also, I’m disappointed in your team name this week. Between you and Jon, “Romo Witten his pants” was the best you could come up with? Booooooooooooo.

Chode’s All Stars by 6.02x10^23

Team Beaupre (6-1) vs ThongPong4LIFE (0-7)

Bit of a David vs Goliath situation here. Mike is 6-1, in first place and has a full, healthy, talented roster. Will is 0-7, dead last, and half of his roster spots are empty. But you know what? America loves an underdog. If the New Orleans Saints can win a Super Bowl, the Rangers can beat the Yankees, Ron Johnson can beat Russ Feingold, and Rocky can beat Ivan Drago, then ThongPong4LIFE can beat Team Beaupre. Count on it.

ThongPong4LIFE by 1

That’s all for the picks this week. Have an awesome Halloween weekend.

-Chode Out.

Chode Picks - Week 7

Every season, there are a few games that transcend the sport of football. These are the games that inspire a state, define a program, and live forever in the memories of fans, players and coaches alike. Games like these are the reason we watch sports. We endure the pain and frustration of loss and missed expectations in hopes of witnessing such a once-in-a-lifetime event. We were given one of these games last Saturday. For the people at the game, it was a day that they will look back on years later, and tell friends and family “I was there”, and describe how it felt to watch David take down Goliath. Incredible is one of the most overused adjectives in sports, but there was simply no other way to describe it. Of course, you know which game I’m referring to. Six days ago, the Tigers of Louisiana State University took on the Cowboys of McNeese state in a titanic in-state rivalry game. After falling behind early, gritty, undermanned LSU fought its way back into the contest and pulled off a historic upset, led by the superb play of quarterback Jarrett Lee. Congratulations to Les Miles and the Tigers.

As amazing last week was in college football, however, it was also a great week for the NFL. The league’s new emphasis on concussion safety is long overdue. For years, the NFL has done nothing as many of its players have sustained serious neurological damage and suffered the consequences after retirement. There seem to be two schools of thought on this issue. There are those who think that the new concussion rules are a step in the right direction, and then there are idiots who tackle by spearing with their heads. Consider James Harrison. After the former defensive MVP was fined $75,000 for a pair of dangerous head shots against the Cleveland Browns last week, Mr. Harrison decided that the best course of action would be to throw a tantrum and threaten to retire. I’ve got some news for you James: the NFL doesn’t need you. There are plenty of other good linebackers who can make tackles without leading with their heads. If you can’t figure it out, then you shouldn’t be playing football at any level. Also, you made 20 million dollars over the past 3 years. You can probably find $75,000 in your couch cushions. Be a man, shut your mouth and pay the fine.

On a less serious note, I can’t type for shit right now. I meant to go to the library and hammer out the picks last night, but my roommates convinced me to have a drink and play some beer pong before I went. Well, one drink turned into ten and I ended up going to the bars instead. The next few hours are hazy in my memory, but I woke up at some girl’s apartment on State street this morning so I figure it must have been a good night. The good night, however, was followed by an awful morning. I missed my honors Physics lecture, barely stayed awake in Biochemistry and I think I’m still a bit drunk as I’m typing this. It’s 12:30PM, and I’m supposed to donate blood in 3 hours. This is going to be awful. Also, I remembered that I have Biochem exam on Monday that I should be studying for. I was going to put off the picks for another day, but then I remembered that I am Chode, the Michael Jordan of chemistry exams. Hooray. Anyways, I’m telling you all this because I want you to appreciate how difficult it is to find the time to type three or four pages of bullshit every week for your reading pleasure. So enjoy the picks, damn it.

Chode’s All Stars (2-4) vs Flaming Gingers (3-3)

Surprise! Chode’s All Stars lost again last week. By less than one point. One effing point. That’s ten yards rushing or receiving. Thanks for nothing, Chris Johnson. I hate my team. And I hate your team too, Dan, if only because you’re starting the Steelers defense, which contains James Harrison, dark horse candidate for Chode’s Douche of the Year award. Honestly, I can’t get over how much of a dick that guy is. Anyways, I’m due for a win this week.

Chode’s All Stars by 15

Gotta get up to get down (4-2) vs Snakes on a Reggie Wayne (4-2)

Snakes on a Reggie Wayne. I love it. If you don’t get the joke, it’s alright. I’ll save you the trouble of Googling “Reggie Wayne snakes”. Apparently, during his days at the Univeristy of Miami, Reggie Wayne shared a room with Baltimore safety Ed Reed, and Wayne owned a pet snake named Law (presumably, he also had a turtle named Order). Anyways, when Reggie left on weekends, Reed would take care of Law. Everything went swimmingly until Reed texted Wayne one weekend “Hey man, Law dead”. Yep, Ed Reed killed Reggie Wayne’s pet snake. This begs the question: how the hell do you accidentally kill a snake? They can go weeks without eating! I hope Reed never has children. Keep it up with the names, Jared.

Snakes on a Reggie Wayne by 8

Brett Favre (2-4) vs ThongPong4LIFE (0-6)

You’re really going to do it, aren’t you Will? You’re going to become the first team in league history to attain an overdefeated 0-14 record. ThongPong is projected to score a whopping 25 points this week. To put that in perspective, Chris Johnson of the Titans is projected to score 30. By himself. I really, really don’t want to pick Will to win. But I have to. I can’t pick a team named “Brett Favre” during Packer-Viking week. By the way, I’m feeling good about the game. Clay Matthews comes back, and considering the way the Vikings offensive line has been playing, I figure we’ll see Benedict Brett get smacked around pretty good by Clay and his giant testicles. At this point, I think Green Bay has too many injuries to make a Super Bowl run, but I’ll settle for beating Minnesota twice and winning the NFC North. Relax Packer fans, we’re going to be good for a long time, and we can always count on the Bears to choke for us.

ThongPong4LIFE by 4 (ugh)

Team Beaupre (5-1) vs Mountain Dudes (4-2)

If you haven’t noticed, next weekend is Halloween. YEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! One of the best days of the year, every year. Let me know if any of you are coming to Madison. There’s usually a pretty awesome party in my apartment complex on big weekends like this. I must say though I’m a bit disappointed in the Freakfest band lineup on State street. Two years ago, we got OAR (great show, don’t remember much of it). Last year, we got Cage The Elephant and Third Eye Blind (once again, great show). This year? The headliner is OK Go. I HATE OK Go. I might not even go to the concert, if only to avoid the throngs of liberal hipsters. A few months ago, I started spreading the rumor that Nickelback and Foo Fighters were playing at Freakfest this year. I told enough people that eventually people started telling me that they were coming to Madison. My hope was that if enough spread the word around, they actually would come. Didn’t happen, and now we’re stuck with a shitty band. And yes, I listen to Nickelback. Don’t judge me.

Mountain Dudes by 31

Aww Yeeaaa Badgers Yeeaaa (4-2) vs Its on like Ndamukong (2-4)

As you may have heard, there was another college football upset last Saturday night. The number one ranked Ohio State Buckeyes traveled to the greatest city in the world to take on the 18th ranked Wisconsin Badgers. Almost 7 years to the day after Matt Schabert connected with Lee Evans to give the #23 Badgers a home win over the #3 Buckeyes in 2003, lightning struck again, in the form of David Gilreath’s 99-yard kickoff return on the first play of the game. The Badgers grabbed a quick 21-0 lead in the first quarter and never looked back on their way to a 31-18 ass-kicking. The two largest factors in the game were 1) Wisconsin’s offensive line, which dominated one of the best defensive front sevens in college football and 2) the raucous Camp Randall crowd. On a normal game day, the ground shakes outside of the stadium when the 4th quarter jump around occurs. In this game, people living half a mile from the stadium could feel the earth tremble……… in the FIRST QUARTER! I honestly think that Wisconsin might have the two best running backs in the Big Ten in John Clay and James White. Clay is a smaller, faster version of Ron Dayne, and White reminds me of Brian Calhoun. By the way, White is a true freshman.
Now I know this might come as a shock to you, but I have a confession to make: I wasn’t at the game until the end. I work at the hospital every Saturday and Sunday from 12:30-9:00PM as a Phlebotomist, so I was stuck watching the game on a flat screen TV in the ER between blood draws. When the fourth quarter came around and I realized that Wisconsin was actually going to upset the #1 ranked team in the nation, I told my co-workers “sorry, I’m leaving early today. I need to be at this game” and ran home. I jumped on my bike, pedaled as fast as I could to Camp Randall, and ran into the stadium with about two minutes left in regulation. I worked my way through the student section towards the front, and when the final gun sounded, I climbed over two dumb girls who were afraid to rush the field and sprinted past the assembled security guards with a few thousand of my fellow Badgers as the PA announcer pleaded “Fans, please stay in your seats”. Right. I have now had sex in Camp Randall (twice), ran around the field naked (post-coitus), and rushed the field all in the span of 6 months. My life is now complete. I can die in peace. To summarize: Aww Yeeaaa Badgers Yeeaaa.

Aww Yeeaaa Badgers Yeeaaa by 13

I want to let you know that I just gave blood, and surprisingly, my hangover feels better. Not what I expected at all. I asked one of the Red Cross workers if the person who gets my blood is going to get a buzz, and sadly, the answer is no. Too awesome to be true.

That’s all for the Chode Picks. This week, the picks are brought to you by………………………………………….. STEVE KARDYNAL! Enjoy.

-Chode Out.

Chode Picks - Week 6

Good morning friends, and welcome to Week 6 of the Chode Picks, brought to you by Zooniversity Music and Cascia Films. Last week was a fascinating one, with lots of highs and lows, and a few middles as well. Let me touch on a few of the more interesting moments before we get to the picks.

First, I would like to congratulate the University of Minnesota Football team for losing the battle for Paul Bunyan’s Axe for a record-breaking 7 years in a row. With a 41-23 victory, the Badgers wrapped up their 14th victory in the past 16 years in the series. I was 13 years old the last time a Gopher carried the Axe, and I expect to be close to 30 by the time Minnesota takes it home again. It’s really not fair to call the game a rivalry anymore so much as a yearly display of Wisconsin dominance over the pitiful Gophers. If Tim Brewster doesn’t lose his job before next season, I’ll run laps around Camp Randall naked. Again.

Keeping in the theme of Minnesota failure, Benedict Brett and the Vikings suffered a crushing defeat at the hands of the New York J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS on Monday night. The Vikings seemed poised for a dramatic, game-winning drive at the end of the fourth quarter when right on cue, the Evil One began overthrowing wide-open receivers and firing fastballs at the guys in green and white. Predictably, one of these passes ended up in the hands of New York safety Dwight Lowery and was returned for the game-clinching TAINT [Touchdown After INTerception (yes, I made that term up, and I’m using parentheses inside of parentheses. Boom.)]. As you may have noticed throughout the course of the past two years, I am not a huge fan of the Traitor. But even I could not have scripted a better finale for that purple bastard than what has occurred through the first 5 weeks of the season. At this point, watching the Vikings lose is more satisfying than watching the Packers win. If that makes me a bad person, so be it. I’m glad the nation is finally getting to see the true Favre, stripped of all his hype and glamour: a strong-armed, inaccurate, overrated thrower who would have never won a Super Bowl without an immense wealth of talent surrounding him. Aaron Rodgers would have beaten Elway’s Broncos. If you disagree, I will fight you.

In other Favre news, you may have heard that Judas is in the middle of a controversy involving former Jets reporter Jenn Sterger. If you haven’t already, do a Google images search for her. I’ll give you a minute.
You’re welcome.
Apparently, one evening when he was playing for New York, Favre forgot that he had a super hot wife and two daughters at home, and decided to attempt to “seduce” Ms. Sterger, and by “seduce” I mean “send pictures of his dick via cell phone”. Congratulations Brett, you’ve taken over the lead for the Chode Picks 2nd annual Douche of the Year Award. 
The most amusing part about the entire scandal is that Benedict Brett absolutely refuses to address the issue in any of his interviews. For once in my life, I would like to see a high-profile athlete come out and be completely honest about an issue like this. For example, Favre could say “Yeah, I was drunk one night and sent a picture of my junk to Jenn because she’s smoking hot. If you were a famous NFL quarterback and in my position, you might have done the same thing. Your move, Tiger”. Mike Vick was mostly forgiven for his crimes by coming clean, and it’s time for Brett to do the same.

Gotta get up to get down (3-2) vs Flaming Gingers (3-2)

Alright, I’m going to be honest with you. I may have been a bit biased when I predicted a 19-0 season from the Pack this year. However, I really wasn’t counting on having half of Green Bay’s starters injured by week 6 and every lucky bounce going Chicago and Washington’s way in the two losses. The truth is, as poorly as the injured Packers have played, we still should be 5-0. Losing Grant and Finley might keep us out of the Super Bowl this year, but the Pack should still be considered the favorite to win the NFC North. Unless Rodgers’s concussion turns out to be serious. As much as I like Matt Flynn, we won’t finish above .500 with him starting. This season, A-Rod is the beginning, middle and end of our offense. He’s good enough that if we can give him enough time to throw and an average defense, he’ll carry us to 10 wins, no matter who he’s throwing to. No reason to panic.

Flaming Gingers by 23

Brett Favre (2-3) vs Mountain Dudes (3-2)

The Dallas Cowboys, however, have every reason to hit the panic button. In fact, they should be jumping up and down on the panic button at this point. All of the preseason hype and expectations that surrounded Jerry Jones’s team are now a distant memory. The 1-3 Cowboys play the 1-3 Vikings this week in this season’s Underachiever Bowl, and the loser can pretty much forget about the playoffs until 2011. Never thought I would say this, but go Cowboys! Ugh. Doesn’t feel right. America’s Team my ass. Nate, you’re playing against a team with two empty roster spots, and you’re still projected to lose. Helluva team you put together. Can’t pick Jason though.

Mountain Dudes by cos(180)

Mark’s dirty sanchez (3-2) vs ThongPong4LIFE (0-5)

My apologies, Jared. I didn’t catch the clever reference to Ben Roethlisberger in your team name this week. Unacceptable on my part. I’ve got it this week, though. I’m not really sure why you’re using your fantasy team to campaign for California politician Mark Sanchez, but I’m sure you have your reasons, and the important thing is that we all know it now. In case you haven’t heard, this Sunday Roethlisberger comes back from his 4-week vacation, during which he presumably spent his time trying to find new things to put his penis in. Some might criticize Big Ben, but we all know the truth: a sex addict is just a single man who’s honest about how many women he wants to sleep with. Hold your heads high, Ben, Kobe, Tiger, Jason Kidd, Jeter, Rodman, Wilt, Magic, Shawn Kemp, Marv Albert, Favre, Culpepper and the rest of the Vikings boat cruise.

Mark’s dirty sanchez by 6

Team Beaupre (4-1) vs Its on like Ndamukong (2-3)

Mike, I despise your skill at managing fantasy football teams. Year in and year out, you field a team that is at or near the top of the standings. I want all of your players tested for HGH, and I want them tested now. You think Brees got that mark on his face naturally? Speaking of ugly quarterbacks, Tom Brady needs a haircut. Seriously. Normally I don’t care what football players look like off the field, but the Patriots are losing their edge, and it starts with the guy under center, who is apparently too whipped by his supermodel girlfriend to notice that the entire city of Boston can’t stand looking at him. Damn it. Team Beaupre is going to win again.

Team Beaupre by 12

Chode’s All Stars (2-3) vs The Fightin’ SirMichaels (3-2)

Congratulations to Chode’s All Stars for breaking their 3-game losing streak with a 74 point victory last week. Complete asskicking. Expect more of the same this week. I don’t know who SirMichael is, but he’s not going to be able to sit down comfortably for a few days.

Chode’s All Stars by 300

In case you missed it, the top-ranked Alabama Crimson tide lost to South Carolina last week. This means that the Ohio State Buckeyes are now the #1 team in the land. Guess who comes to Camp Randall tomorrow? That’s right, Terrelle Pryor and his overrated band of scarlet and gray punks. Almost two years ago to the day, the Buckeyes came to Madison and handed the Badgers a rare home loss behind a last-minute touchdown run by Pryor. Even with the sour outcome, it was the most memorable game I’ve ever been in the stands for. I’ve never been in a louder stadium than that night. Honestly, I’m not expecting a win tomorrow, but I’m hoping for a close game just for the atmosphere. And if Wisconsin happens to pull off the upset, there will be riots, led by the Chode himself.

-Chode Out.

Chode Picks - Week 5

Welcome back to Week 5 of the Chode Picks, brought to you by Powerthirst. Before we begin, I would like to express my complete astonishment that I am both awake and coherent enough to type this morning. I finished my last of three midterm exams in 8 days last night, and felt that a celebration was in order. My last coherent memory is taking a shot of Everclear around 11:00 and thinking to myself “there’s no way I’m making it to lecture in the morning”. I woke up at 7:30 this morning wearing a sailor hat, lying on top of a bare mattress and wondering aloud “where the hell am I?” I soon deduced that I was, in fact, in my own room. After inspecting the room for vomit or other bodily fluids, I staggered to class and spent the next hour listening to some crazy old man ramble on about dark matter and how it proves that the universe is flat. Whatever. So here I sit now, and we’ve got some important issues to cover before I get to the picks.

First, I want to apologize to Mike Vick and his family. Clearly, my praise last week was the perfect jinx for the Eagles, and Vick went down with injured ribs as Washington ran Philadelphia off the field in a sweet homecoming game for Donovan McNabb. And now I’m stuck with Eli Manning as my starting QB.

Second, I owe all of the readers an apology as well. Last week was the first time all season that I failed to make a reference to male genitalia in the Chode Picks. Please forgive me, and accept my belated attempt. Boner. Boner, boner, boner. Balls.

Third, I have a message for the entire state of Minnesota: shut the hell up. Randy Moss does not make the Vikings a Super Bowl contender. Since the trade was announced on Wednesday, I’ve been forced to listen to my Minnesotan friends rave about how the Vikings have the best receivers in football. This is not true, and it illustrates a fundamental problem that all Minnesota sports fans seem to have: the inability to distinguish video games from reality. If the NFL were “Madden ’11”, the Vikings would have the best offense in the league. Unfortunately for the mud ducks, however, pure talent does not win games. Teams like New England understand the importance of team chemistry and discipline. Teams like Minnesota ignore these qualities and will never win a championship without them.

Team chemistry, while of vital importance in football, is not all that important in baseball. This explains why the talent-heavy Yankees are kicking the shit out of the Twins in the MLB playoffs. I couldn’t be enjoying it more. For the record, I despise the Yankees because they represent everything wrong with professional sports, but my hatred for all things Minnesotan has spurred me to become a Yankee fan this week. Every time the Yankees win, I blast “Empire State of Mind” on the stereo in my apartment. Two of my roommates are diehard Twins fans. They want to kill me. I do not feel bad.

In a related story, the Badgers play the Gophers at home this week. I can’t wait. It doesn’t even matter that we lost to Michigan State last week (I may have been a bit optimistic in my prediction of a 70-3 blowout), because the Gophers suck ass this year. And there’s nothing worse than sucking ass. Unless it’s losing the battle for the Axe seven years in a row. That’s embarrassing.

In summary: Fuck you Minnesota. Fuck your Vikings, fuck your Twins, fuck your disgusting cities and all of their rich suburbs, and fuck your 10,000 lakes.

Okay, time for the picks.

Chode’s All Stars (1-3) vs Its on like Ndamukong (2-2)

Chode’s All Stars suffered another spectacular loss last week, as the Chode cleverly left Terrell Owens on the bench while he scored 30 points. My bench actually outscored my starters, despite the fact that I filled every roster spot. And I lost by less than 2 points. I am an awful manager. I’ll admit it. The only reason I play fantasy football is so I have an excuse to write. I think I can turn this train wreck of a season around though, and it starts this week. Besides, there’s no way I can lose 4 in a row. The Cowardly Lions, however, have lost 4 in a row, and seem poised to make it 5 against St. Louis this week. Remember at the start of the season, when everyone was talking about how much better Detroit was going to be this year? Yeah, me too. That was a good one.

Chode’s All Stars by 30

Gotta get up to get down (3-1) vs Mountain Dudes (2-2)

If you haven’t noticed, many players wore pink gloves, cleats, and other accessories last week, because October is National Breast Cancer Month. Or something. It’s great to see the players come together for a good cause like healthy boobs. The Chode salutes you, NFL. Hooray for boobies! The Chode also encourages all females to regularly perform self-examinations. Or come find me, and I’ll do it. And you’ll like it. We really need some more female readers. Honestly. Kind of a bro-fest in here, fellas.
Anyways, I’m not quite sure how Kenne keeps winning, but I’ve learned not to look a gift horse in the ass. Or something.

Gotta get up to get down by 14

The Fightin’ SirMichaels (3-1) vs Ben there raped that (2-2)

The Kansas City Chiefs are the only undefeated team left in the NFL. Read that sentence again. That’s right, Kansas City, a team that put together 10 wins in the previous 3 seasons. Meanwhile, the Indianapolis Colts, who started the season 14-0 last year, are 2-2, with losses to Houston and Jacksonville. This week, the Chiefs go on the road against the Colts, and pretty much every analyst is picking Indianapolis to end the Chiefs’ streak. Not me. The Colts have gotten soft, ever since they threw the last 2 games of the 2009 season to rest their starters before the playoffs. Ha. Karmic kick to the balls. Go Chiefs.
By the way, I love the team name, Jared. However, your grammar is incorrect. Your name should be “Been there raped that”. Unless you’re cleverly telling us that you raped a man named Ben. In that case, you should get tested.

Ben there raped that by 8=======> (it’s a penis, get it?)

Team Beaupre (3-1) vs Brett Favre (2-2)

Triple whammy for Mike last week. The Bears lost, Jay Cutler got concussed, and Team Beaupre suffered their first loss of the year. Without looking, tell me who the Bears’ new starting QB is. Give up? It’s Todd “you’ve never heard of me because I suck” Collins. Thank you, New York Giants. Team Beaupre should bounce back pretty well this week. And I get the feeling that Jason doesn’t give a damn about his team.

Team Beaupre by 15

ThongPong4LIFE (0-4) vs Flaming Gingers (2-2)

Thank you, Will, for making my team look better by comparison. Your commitment to futility is the only thing keeping me out of last place. Also, I was delighted to hear that you lost to Kenne thanks to Chad Henne’s last interception on Monday Night, if only because it means somebody else in the league has worse luck than me. To be fair though, you brought it on yourself when you put the Traitor in your starting lineup. Boo.

Flaming Gingers by 5

In case you missed it (and you probably did), the US Women’s National team took home the gold medal at the World Basketball Championships in Turkey last week. In a related story, nobody gives a shit.

-Chode Out.