Chode Picks - Week 11

And we’re back, with week 11 of the Chode Picks, brought to you by Four Loko, 24 ounces of blackout in a can. If you haven’t heard yet, the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) decided this week to ban alcoholic energy drinks such as Sparks and Four Loko, which is twelve percent alcohol by volume and packs the same punch as five twelve-ounce cans of beer. The FDA’s reason for banning the product was that the caffeine in the beverage “masks the effect of the alcohol, so people don’t realize how drunk they actually are”. Right. Ever drink a Red Bull and vodka? Same shit, different labels. We live in a country where medical marijuana, salvia divinorum and nitrous oxide are completely legal, yet the FDA doesn’t trust us to mix alcohol and caffeine in the same can. Bullshit. The can is clearly printed with “12.0% ALC/VOL”. You can’t legislate against stupidity. Since the FDA made their announcement, every liquor store in Madison has been assaulted with a mad rush of students attempting to get their share of Four Loko before the supply runs out. To simultaneously commemorate the occasion and to mourn our losses, my roommate and I went to Regent Liquor and bought $54 worth of Four Loko. Each. (Yes, I know. I’m an alcoholic. I’ll stop in a year and a half. I promise.) Four those of you that haven’t tried it yet, Four Loko is both terrible and awesome at the same time. What I’m trying to say is, Four Loko is terribly awesome. Awesome because two to three cans will get you drunk, but terrible because it tastes like a fat clown’s asshole. And yes, I’m drinking a Four Loko as I type this. Don’t judge me.
Also, I have a new goal for myself and/or my readers: shotgun a can of Four Loko. And take a video of it. First one to do it wins 1000 Chode Points. For the sake of your health though, make sure you’re sober before you do it, because you won’t be when you’re done.

In other news, it’s been a great week in the life of the Chode, for many reasons. First, the Wisconsin football team faced off against the Indiana Hoosiers last Saturday, and the Badgers delivered an 83-20 ass-whooping, despite the fact that star running back John Clay sat out. To put that score in perspective, the Wisconsin basketball team only topped 80 points four times last season. Not to be outdone, however, Bo Ryan’s crew responded with an 85-53 drubbing of some shitty school from the Dakotas. Fortunately, Bo Ryan is more of a sportsman than Bret Bielema, as Bielema kept his third string offense on the field until the end of the game, while Ryan started putting ballboys and cheerleaders on the court at the start of the fourth quarter. Congrats to both teams. Lastly, the Miami Heat dominated the Phoenix Suns Wednesday night, and the Suns beat the Los Angeles Lakers last week. In conclusion, the Heat are better than the Lakers, and Team DLC (Dwyane, LeBron, Chris) is going to take home the title next summer. You heard it here first.
Lastly, Meriter Hospital, where I work, has begun clinical sessions for the Edgewood College nursing students. Subsequently, Meriter has been flooded with smoking hot student nurses for the past week. On a normal week, you’re lucky if you can find one hot nurse per floor at Meriter, but it seems like the three requirements for the Nursing program at Edgewood are to be young, female and attractive. Of course, they’re all dumb as rocks, can’t figure out how to operate a syringe, and there’s no way in hell I would trust any of them with my health, but the hospital is a much happier place with them around. I’m actually looking forward to going to work this weekend.

In basketball news this week, Greg Oden is having season-ending knee surgery for the third time in three seasons as a pro. You gotta feel for the former #1 overall pick, a 22-year old kid trapped in the body of an 80-year old giant. It’s pretty clear now that he’s destined to become this generation’s Sam Bowie to #2 pick Kevin Durant. By the way, I would love to see the Heat sign Oden when he becomes a free agent in the summer, since the Trailblazers aren’t going to keep him.

If you haven’t heard, the second-to-last Harry Potter movie hit theatres at midnight yesterday. As a special Thanksgiving gift, I’m going to save all of you three hours of your life: Harry kills Voldemort, Ron and Hermione hook up, Fred dies, Mad-Eye dies, Snape is a good guy (and also dies), Harry is the last Horcrux, Malfoy lives, and Dumbledore is gay. BELATED SPOILER ALERT!!
I told all of this to a girl last night who hasn’t read any of the books but has watched all of the movies to this point. She was PISSED. Whatever. Your fault for never learning to read, bitch.

Enough bullshit. Time for the picks.

Chode’s All Stars (4-6) vs Brett Favre (4-6)

In case you haven’t noticed, Chode’s All Stars are BACK, baby. Riding a two game winning streak and an 81-point demolition of Will’s Rejects, my team is officially unstoppable. Expect Mike Vick to put up 50 points again this week and lead my team to victory. Also, there’s no way in hell I’m losing to a team named after the Evil One.

Chode’s All Stars by 90

Gotta get up to get down (4-6) vs Its on like Ndamukong (4-6)

I can’t tell you how excited I am for the Packer-Viking game this Sunday. Think about it: Clay Matthews on two healthy legs going after Favre on a broken ankle. I’ve already pissed myself twice in excitement, and it’s not even gameday yet. Also, at this point, Brad Childress is a Dead Mustache Walking, just playing out the string until he gets fired. I predict that the Metrodome will be at least 30% full of Packer fans this week. Maybe more. Minnesota teams have the worst fair-weather fans in the nation. Fuck your 10,000 lakes.

Gotta get up to get down by 8

McClusterFuck (6-4) vs Brett Favre is a Douchebag (5-5)

It’s that time of year again. This week begins four months of wondering why you live in a state where you’re freezing and miserable for almost half of the year. I’ve been asking myself for years, and I haven’t come up with a good answer yet. If didn’t cost hundreds of thousands of dollars more, I’d be heading to Florida for medical school. As much as I love this state, there is absolutely no reason why I couldn’t have been born in South Carolina, Texas, Louisiana, or basically anywhere besides the Midwest. Thanks, parents. Also, I attempted to participate in No-Shave November to keep my face warm, but two weeks in I decided that the beard was far more irritating than warm and got rid of it. 100 Chode Points if you can make it the entire month. Except for you, Eric. You don’t count. Also, 200 Chode Points if you can grow a ginger beard. Looking in your direction, Sawle.

Brett Favre is a Douchebag by 21

Team Beaupre (9-1) vs Brett Favre intercepted texts (8-2)

Brett Favre intercepted texts. Not bad. Keep em coming. Nearly half of the teams in the league are now named after Benedict Brett. I’m not sure how these two teams have combined for 17 wins in 20 contests. It makes no damn sense at all. Pure dumb luck. You’re both peaking too early. Gotta same some for the playoffs, fellas. Speaking of lucky, the Chicago Bears. I don’t feel like I need to explain that one. Regardless, one winning streak is coming to an end in this one. Call it the Midseason Championship game.

Team Beaupre by 0. TIE.

Mountain Dudes (5-5) vs Will’s Rejects (1-9)

Free win for Nate.

Mountain Dudes by 40

Ah, shit. I don’t have a cool video for you this week. Here’s one of a cute kitten.

-Chode Out.