WARNING: Reading the Chode Picks may result in increased intelligence, superhuman strength and agility, tiger blood, fire-breathing fists, severe intoxication, gratuitous violence, female sexual arousal, and winning. Read at your own risk.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Chode Picks - Week 4
Live from Madison, Wisconsin, welcome to the 4th edition in the momentous 6th season of Chode Picks, brought to you by FX. It hasn’t really been a full week since the last Picks came our, but its Thursday and I’m going to have my hands full this weekend, so here goes.
This past week was another glorious one for the state of Wisconsin, for more than a few reasons. First and foremost, the Green Bay Packers, the greatest football team on planet Earth, put on a show in curb-stomping the Chicago Bears 27-17. If you watched the game, the score doesn’t really indicate how thoroughly the Pack dominated that game. Despite forcing three turnovers in the 4th quarter, Chicago never seriously threatened the Packers’ lead. And as predicted here, Jay Cutler found a way to deliver the ball to Green Bay’s secondary more than once. Speaking of which….
Morgan Burnett. Morgan effing Burnett. I can’t say enough about this guy. For as long as I can remember, the Packers have always had at least one badass with dreadlocks patrolling the secondary. After the departure of Al Harris last year, that torch was passed to Burnett, and he’s doing one hell of a job with it. NFC North, meet Morgan Burnett. He’s going to be around for a while. With the Bears falling apart, the NFC North has quickly turned into a two-team race between the Packers and the Detroit Lions, who came back from a 20-0 deficit to drop the Vikings to 0-3.
Speaking of Minnesota, I would like to extend my congratulations to the Minnesota Twins for holding off the Houston Astros for the worst record in baseball. Also, I want to recognize the Golden Gophers for their loss to North Dakota State last Saturday, which dropped “The U” to 1-3 on the season, with their lone victory coming over winless Miami of Ohio. (By the way, it bothers the hell out of me that Minnesotans refer to their school as “The U”. “The U” is in Miami, Florida. Not Minneapolis. The only thing “U” stands for in Minnesota is Underachievement. Or Ugly.) Added to the enormous collapse by the Vikings last week, it was a week that embodied everything that is wrong with our neighbors to the west. Overall, sending someone to the University of Minnesota is like preparing them for failure and disappointment throughout their lives. Or maybe I’m just bitter because they’re one of the few schools that hasn’t offered me an interview yet. Seriously Minnesota, what the hell? I applied to your school out of pity. Anything you can do, Wisconsin can do better.
As long as I’m on the topic of awful things, I want to talk about the TV show How I Met Your Mother. This show is terrible. Now I know that a few of you are probably fuming right now, but bear with me. The plot is unimaginative and predictable, Jason Segel is a mediocre actor at best, and the whole thing just seems like a shittier version of Friends (And I HATE Friends). The only thing that makes the show even remotely watchable is Neil Patrick Harris. In short, How I Met Your Mother is the TV version of the Indianapolis Colts: if you take away one person, it’s the worst fucking show on TV. And to complete the analogy, Jason Segel is Reggie Wayne (needs a better player to carry him).
Here is a list of other things that people think are good but secretly suck:
The Dallas Cowboys
Notre Dame
Avatar
Donovan McNabb (no longer a secret I guess)
Grantland
Jay Cutler
Socialism
Los Angeles
Brian Urlacher
Tony Romo
Reggie Bush
Julio Jones
Barack Obama
Shaquille O’Neal
Tim Duncan
Kevin Garnett
Dirk Nowitzki (just kidding)
Matt Forte
By the way, we’re only two days away from Farmageddon, the battle between Wisconsin and Nebraska to determine who’s top dog in the Big Ten this season (hint: it’s not the Huskers). A lot of pundits at ESPN are claiming that the Badgers are at a disadvantage because we haven’t been tested yet. Well, I’m sorry ESPN, but the truth is we’re just that much better than everyone we play. And don’t tell me that Nebraska went out and challenged themselves by playing Chattanooga, Fresno State, Washington and Wyoming. Give me a break. Most of the traditional Big Ten powers might be having a down year, but there’s still one team that’s capable of beating anyone in the country, and the Huskers are going to be coming into our house with a young quarterback, facing possibly the most intimidating atmosphere in all of college sports: a Camp Randall night game. Wisconsin by 14.
Oh, I almost forgot. The Packers are one of three unbeaten teams in the NFL, along with the Bills and Lions. And since I keep forgetting to write my predictions for the year, now is as good of a time as any. Here goes:
The Green Bay Packers will defeat the Buffalo Bills in Super Bowl XLVI
The Wisconsin Badgers will defeat the Boise State Broncos in the BCS National Championship Game
The Milwaukee Brewers will defeat the Detroit Tigers in the World Series
If there is an NBA season, the Miami Heat will defeat the Oklahoma City Thunder in the Finals
I don’t know if you noticed, but I just picked ALL of my favorite teams to win championships this year. You know what’s even crazier? ALL OF THEM COULD ACTUALLY HAPPEN! It’s going to be one hell of a year. By the way, I’m sure a few of you laughed at me last year when I predicted that the Packers would win the Super Bowl and the Badgers would go to a BCS game. Well, now you can call me NostraChodeus. Place your bets now while the odds are still good.
Somewhere over Dwayne Bowe (0-3) vs Donald Drivehers (2-1)
One of these guys clearly does not give a shit about his fantasy team. Either that or he’s trying to become the first ever team to go winless in this league. Also, how the hell did Jermichael Finley slip all the way to the 3rd round in 2008? What exactly does Ted Thompson know about these kind of guys that nobody else can pick up on? Seriously, Aaron Rodgers, Clay Matthews, Finley, Burnett, Nick Collins, Greg Jennings, Randall Cobb, Sam Shields….. the list goes on and on. All of these guys were ignored on draft day until Thompson took them and turned them into stars. In the NFL, you build a contender through the draft, and nobody does it better than our GM. In Thompson we trust.
Donald Drivehers by 33
Tampa Bay FuckInRears (1-2) vs It’s A Hard Knox Life (1-2)
You really stretched for that one, Kenne. But I appreciate the effort. That seems like a name that you would come up with on your own, so I commend you for it. Also Will, the Bears still suck. I guess it’s okay for you to cheer for the Brewers as long as you recognize that you’re still a second-class citizen in Wisconsin due to your problematic football loyalties. And for the love of God, put Ben Roethlisberger in instead of Rex Grossman. Act like you’re trying. One last thing: congratulations to the UW-Oshkosh football team for their 56-10 victory over UW-Stout last week. I think the phrase “When in doubt, go to Stout” has destroyed more promising careers than cocaine and methamphetamine combined.
Tampa Bay FuckInRears by 9
Team Beaupre (1-2) vs Mondolockdown (0-3)
Yeah that’s right, Mike. Your teams are both 1-2. Mine are 3-0 and 2-1. For the first time in what seems like forever, you have NOTHING to be proud about football-wise. Get used to it. Hold on, I forgot to add Matt Forte to the list of overrated things. Ok, fixed. Your fantasy team is crippled by the misfortune of having both Arian Foster and too many Bears. If you had picked a different team, say the Packers, Saints or Lions, you would have been fine. Unfortunately, I have to pick you to win because I’m growing more and more convinced that Mondlock doesn’t actually know that he’s running a fantasy team.
Team Beaupre by 2
No Names (2-1) vs The Godfavre (2-1)
Jesse Holley, eh? The guy that beat out Luke Swan on Fourth and Long? Glad to see he made it in the NFL. I still think a healthy Swan could have been a poor man’s Jordy Nelson. As long as I’m on the subject of former Badgers, John Clay is an idiot. Leaving early after last year was the absolute worst thing he could have done for his chances in the NFL. Remember, he spent the second half of the season mostly on the bench with an ankle injury. True, he would have had to share time with Montee Ball and James White, but I don’t see any shame in that. Wisconsin always has more than one stud running back (Melvin Gordon and Jeff Lewis are next). All I’m saying is that it would have been really nice to have Clay as a sledgehammer in the Big Ten rather than sitting on his ass as an undrafted NFL free agent. Also, congratulations to the North Dakota Indigenous People of the Red River Basin for defeating Black Hills State 53-19 last week. This week, the Half-Breeds travel to Southern Utah to take on the Thunderbirds.
No Names by 10
Corn on the Cobb (2-1) vs Justin Forsett Down Her Throat (2-1)
THAT’S what I’m talking about, Dan. Just the right amount of immaturity and insensitivity combined with an obscure player name. Fantastic. Also, you should trade me Philip Rivers. I’ll make you a good offer. And you will accept it. Seriously, you need another running back. So do you, Dave, but I doubt you’ll let go of Vick easily. But you need to drop McNabb ASAP. Don’t give him the dignity of being on a fantasy team. That makes it seem like he has value as a starting quarterback. I’m picking Dan just because I want to type his team name again.
Justin Forsett Down Her Throat by 69 (see what I did there?)
Chode’s All Stars (2-1) vs Its on like Ndamukong (3-0)
Surprisingly, Eric has the last undefeated team in the league. It’ll be my pleasure to bring you back down to our level. Take a look at my roster. Seriously, all of you, stop whatever you’re doing and go look at it. It’s a thing of beauty. Did you know that I have THREE of the top 10 ranked running backs and FOUR of the top 35 wide receivers in fantasy football? I literally don’t have enough space in my lineup for all of my stars. My only weakness is quarterback, and after last week I’m not so sure you can call Eli Manning a weak spot anymore. I’m sure you’ve enjoyed your undefeated run, Eric, but this week I’m going to cover you in shit like a ton of pigeons.
Chode’s All Stars by 301
And that’s the last of the picks for this week. As always, it’s been a pleasure.
On Tuesday, the Victorious Hymen lost their first game of the season, 26-0. To be fair, we were playing without our usual quarterback and the team that beat us was the defending champion from last year. I actually thought we played pretty well, except for a few areas, like blocking, route running, passing, catching, coverage, red zone offense, red zone defense and flag-pulling. But we rushed the passer pretty well, so we’ll take that for now I guess. Nowhere to go but up.
If you get a chance tonight, tune in to FX at 9:30 for Archer. You won’t be disappointed.
-Chode Out.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Chode Picks - Week 2
….. and on the eighth day, Chode said “Let there be Picks!” and there were Picks, and they were good. Welcome to the second edition of the historic sixth season of the Chode Picks, brought to you by Comedy Central. That’s right, the Picks are now officially older than the NBC TV series Friday Night Lights. You’re welcome, world.
Last weekend was a hell of a start to the NFL season, with tight contests, late-game heroics, a couple of satisfying choke jobs, and most importantly, an absence of Brett Favre. First and foremost, the Packers established their position as the dominant team in the NFC, torching the Saints for 42 points and stuffing a late comeback attempt, even in the face of some horrible fourth quarter officiating. Once again, Aaron Rodgers spoiled us with a nearly flawless performance. Also, Randall Cobb. Good Lord, he can do some amazing things with a football. I don’t know how he lasted until the 64th pick in June, but I couldn’t be happier about it. Not to mention that every time the camera cuts to him before a kickoff, he looks like he’s about to stab someone, which is awesome. Forget what you learned in elementary school, Randall Cobb killed the dinosaurs.
Along with the Packer victory, last weekend the Oregon State Beavers came to town, and Heisman hopeful Russell Wilson put them down faster than a poodle with cancer. Expect more of the same next week at Soldier Field against Northern Illinois. In fact, the city of Chicago is about to be treated to two consecutive displays of Wisconsin football dominance, as the Packers head south to take on the Bears in week 3.
In other college football news, this past weekend featured a matchup between two of the nation’s most perpetually overrated and overhyped teams, Notre Dame and Michigan. After watching the first three quarters of the game hoping for the stadium to collapse on both teams, I was ready to change the channel from what was a clear Notre Dame blowout victory. Then Denard Robinson woke up and accomplished more in one quarter than most quarterbacks do in an entire game, leading the Wolverines to a dramatic, last-second victory. Well done, Denard. But enjoy your spotlight now, before you actually have to line up against a real Big Ten defense. I’ll discuss Robinson’s Heisman chances next week after he dismantles Directional Michigan again this week, but let’s make one thing clear: he’s not in the same league as Russell.
In yet another college football news story, you may have heard that Texas A&M caused a giant shitstorm in the Big 12 this past offseason by pledging to join the SEC to get pounded by Alabama and LSU on a yearly basis. After losing Nebraska and Colorado this past year, the Big 12 was understandably a little sensitive about possibly losing another institution. So did Oklahoma and Texas, the league’s power brokers, come to the rescue? Nope. Baylor University, the league’s often-ignored little brother filed a lawsuit to prevent Texas A&M from leaving, while the giants of the Big 12 decided to sit in a corner and let the two midgets wrestle it out, with the fate of the league hanging in the balance. So props to Baylor, the new heroes of Texas, for not letting the Big 12 fall apart just yet. Also props to Baylor for beating TCU in week 1. Fucking horned frogs. On a side note, the Chode will be traveling to Houston next Thursday for an interview at Baylor College of Medicine. Don’t worry, I’ll still find time to get the Picks out, but it might be as late as Saturday night.
Okay, lets get to the fantasy matchups for week 2:
It’s A Hard Knox Life (0-1) vs Somewhere over Dwayne Bowe (0-1)
I told you, Will. I told you that bad karma follows Chicago fans, but YOU DIDN’T LISTEN. You will reap what you have sown. Specifically, you will reap a 0-2 start. Also, in case you haven’t noticed, the Bears’ defense is projected to score negative points this week. That makes me giggle. You know what else makes me giggle? The thought of watching the Packers’ defense tee off on Cam Newton this week. Yes, the rookie played pretty well against the Cardinals last week. You know who else looks good throwing against the Cardinals? Literally anyone. Put your pants back on, Mel Kiper.
Somewhere over Dwayne Bowe by 43
Lick My vaJJ Watt (1-0) vs Its on like Ndamukong (1-0)
Not a smart bet on your part, Eric. On one side, you have the Green Bay Packers, who are favored to win the NFC and reach the Super Bowl again (at which point you have a 50/50 chance of ending up with a permanent reminder of Green Bay dominance), and on the other side, you have the Detroit Lions, who have absolutely no chance in hell of winning it all. Look, the Lions aren’t that bad this year. With some luck, they could potentially sneak in to the playoffs as a wild card. But if for some godforsaken reason the Lions do win it all, I will paint my testicles Honolulu blue every day for a month. That’s a promise. Also, I think you’re mistaken in asserting that the Packers are one of the two most hated teams in the NFL. If I remember correctly, pretty much the entire country except for Pennsylvania, Minnesota, Illinois and Terry Bradshaw was rooting for Green Bay in Super Bowl XLV. I’d put the Patriots, Jets and Cowboys all far ahead of the Pack. Don’t get me wrong, I wish more people were cheering against us. If I learned one thing from this past NBA season, it’s that rooting for the villain is actually a lot of fun. There’s nothing like watching your team go into an arena full of loathing fans (Cleveland, anyone?) and take the fight out of them by curb-stomping the hometown heroes. Sometimes, you deserve to be favored. Haters gonna hate. Lastly, you got lucky this time Kenne. I’m coming after your ass in week 12.
Its on like Ndamukong by 3
Smelly Twats (0-1) vs No Names (1-0)
Smelly Twats. And a Viking logo. You had the entire world of football-related humor at your disposal for a new fantasy team name, and you went with Smelly Twats. Sigh. This is depressing. Let’s move on.
No Names by 297
Suck my PeterSon (1-0) vs Team Beaupre (1-0)
Yet another black hole of creativity here. I’m really disappointed in you, Sawle. But I can’t skip two matchups in a row. (By the way, I think the way the term “black hole” is used in our language is completely wrong. For example, when somebody describes a person as “a black hole of intelligence” they mean that the person is really stupid. But since, in theory, black holes suck everything into them and are the most massive objects in the universe, a true “black hole of intelligence” should contain a ridiculous amount of intelligence, like that guy in Limitless.) Anyways, in last week’s post I mocked everyone who picked a kicker before the last round. Then on Sunday, Sebastian Janikowski made me look like an asshole by hitting three field goals, one from a record-tying 63 yards, scoring more points than starting RB Darren McFadden in the process. Sometimes, I hate fantasy football. Mike, I am getting really sick of watching you win while my team loses.
Suck my PeterSon by 29
Corn on the Cobb (0-1) vs Mondolockdown (0-1)
I think it’s time to talk about the two men who single-handedly killed their teams last week. Of course, I’m referring to Tony Romo and Donovan McNabb. Romo, leading the Cowboys on a game-winning drive with less than a minute left, dropped back near midfield, looked left at single coverage, looked right at double coverage, and promptly fired the ball to the right side of the field, directly into the waiting arms of Darrelle Revis. A few plays later, the Jets kicked a game-winning field goal. It’s important to note that no NFL quarterback, or even anyone who’s played a decent amount of Madden, EVER throws the ball directly at Revis. After the game, Cowboys owner Jerry Jones told the press that he thought Romo was “outstanding” and that “he’s a winner”. This merely confirms what we’ve all known for years, that Jerry Jones is batshit crazy. Kudos to Tony Romo for once again snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. Not to be outdone, however, Donovan McNabb submitted an even worse performance for the Vikings. McNabb completed 7 of 15 attempts for a whopping 39 yards. You read that right. 39 yards, one less than 40. That’s 2.6 yards per attempt, about half of what Adrian Peterson usually gets when he takes a handoff. With McNabb at the helm, Packer fans can rest easy, knowing that the Vikings will be absolutely awful for at least another season. I bet all of the Minnesota fans who bought brand new #5 jerseys this year are feeling pretty smart right now. It’s gonna be a good year.
Mondolockdown by 5
Donald Drivehers (1-0) vs Chode’s All Stars (0-1)
So. Maybe I was wrong about Peyton Manning. The end of the 3rd round might have been a little early. Whatever. Don’t judge me. I still would have won last week if LeGarrette Blount hadn’t shit the bed. And how dare you reject my gracious trade offer, Nate. Drew Brees is in the twilight of his career, and Eli is a rising superstar. You would be wise to grab him when you can. Jerk. I’m projected to win by 30 points anyways. Suck it.
Chode’s All Stars by 30
Some random thoughts:
I want to share with all of you the brilliance of my intramural flag football team naming skills. Two years ago, we were Victorious Secret and were eliminated in the second round of the playoffs. Last season, we were the Mile Hy-Men, wore Denver Bronco colors, and survived to the third round. This season? Let me introduce you to your Fall 2011 Intramural Champions in the making, Victorious Hymen. Fittingly, our team color is red.
My condolences to the North Dakota Spearchuckers, who suffered a 44-14 loss at the hands of Idaho last week. Better luck against Fresno State.
President Obama’s approval rating fell to an all-time low of 43% this past week. That’s what happens when you promise far more than you can deliver. Also, a belated thank you to Governor Scott Walker for putting the liberals in their place this past spring. The man has got some balls. Apparently it’s shocking now when a politician actually follows through on his campaign promises. In today’s workplace, unions are inefficient and merely exist to keep people who suck at their jobs from being replaced. If you’re going to college to be a teacher, you should be happy about Walker’s bill, because it’s going to allow school districts to fire old, shitty teachers and hire young people who are actually excited about teaching. Madison, you are NOT more important than the rest of Wisconsin. Put your stupid signs away and go do something productive.
No, I’m not going to make a joke about Brian Urlacher’s mother. What kind of person do you think I am?
-Chode Out.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Chode Picks - Week 1
Hide your kids, hide your wives, the Chode is back! After eight painful months, a new glorious season of Chode Picks has been born into the world, here to save you from the scourge of your fall classes. It’s been one hell of an offseason to say the least, and we’ve got a lot of topics to cover before I even get to fantasy football, so lets get it started. Hold on tight.
First, its time for a long, long overdue celebration: WORLD CHAMPIONS!!!!!! GREEN BAY PACKERS!!!!!! WE DID IT!!!!!!! I think that’s about what I screamed at my dad when I called him after Super Bowl XLV. To be completely honest, I don’t remember a damn thing from after the game. Apparently I was yelling “go pack go” and trying to flip cars by myself for a solid half hour. Blame it on one too many Four Lokos I guess. Anyways, winning Super Bowl XLV is one of my best half-memories from college, and something the entire state can be proud of for a long, long time. (Minnesota, you will never know what that feels like. Ever.) More impressive than beating the Steelers was the long road that the Pack took to get there, playing essentially 6 elimination games in a row to take the crown. The fact that two of those victories came over the Bears makes it even sweeter. (By the way, congrats on winning the NFC North. Was it worth it?) Normally this is the where I would tell you that Green Bay is poised to repeat, but you already knew that. Can’t wait to watch them crush the Saints tonight. Go. Pack. Go.
On a related note, we may be witnessing the greatest sports year in Wisconsin history. Think about it. A Super Bowl victory, a Rose Bowl for the Badgers, and for the first time in our lives, the Brewers have a shot at the World Series. It doesn’t even matter that the Bucks are terrible. (you should be rooting for the Heat anyways). Also, Russell Wilson for Heisman.
Unfortunately, there were a couple of low points in the offseason as well. I’m sure that I don’t need to remind you about the two epic collapses, but I will anyways. (Note: the phrase “epic collapse” is okay to use when describing a disappointing finish. The phrase “epic fail” however, should never be used to describe anything. Ever.) The first was, of course, the Miami Heat. After wrecking the Dallas Mavericks in Game 1 and pulling ahead by 15 in the 3rd quarter of Game 2, the Heatles broke down and choked away the series. It’s easy to blame LeBron for disappearing in games 4, 5, and 6, but you have to recognize the fact that without LeBron, Miami never would have made it to the Finals. I can’t explain LeBron’s passiveness at the end of the series, and I don’t think he can either, but he’s still only 26 years old. He’ll figure it out. On a side note, explain this to me: Kobe Bryant and Ben Roethlisberger sexually assaulted women (allegedly), Ray Lewis helped cover up a murder, Marvin Harrison shot a guy (look it up), and Michael Vick murdered puppies. Yet who does America hate the most? LeBron James, because he left Cleveland for a better team in Miami, raising millions of dollars for charity in the process. Shame on you, America.
The second collapse belongs to the US Women’s Soccer team. It’s okay, you can admit that you watched women’s soccer this summer. We all did. (if you didn’t, then get the hell out of my country, communist) Even if the only reason you did was to see smokin’ hot forward Alex Morgan in action, you were probably still extremely irritated by the USA’s loss in the finals to Japan, as was I. I don’t care how many earthquakes they went through, Japan does NOT get to beat us at sports. Fortunately, we’re still up 2-0 in city demolition. By the way, I promise that’s the last time I’ll write about women’s soccer this year. Unless Alex Morgan poses for Playboy. Keep your fingers crossed.
The last topic I want to hit before we get to fantasy football is the scandal that rocked the Big Ten (Big Twelve?) football landscape this summer. Of course, I’m talking about Nebraska. As you’ve all probably heard, those dastardly Cornhuskers provided their players with extra money to buy textbooks that were merely recommended by their professors instead of required. Naturally, the NCAA was quick to swoop in and place Nebraska’s football program on probation for two years. Free books?!?! How dare you, Nebraska. It’s almost like you want your players to learn something from their classes. For shame. In a completely unrelated story, the Auburn Tigers have yet to face any punishment after Cam Newton’s father made $200,000 for sending his son to Auburn. Also, I think some shit happened with Ohio State and Miami too, but I’m not sure.
Okay. We’re nearly caught up now. I’ll get to the rest next week. It’s time for fantasy football.
Chode’s All Stars (0-0) vs Lick My vaJJ Watt (0-0)
This is the year. Finally, after years of fine-tuning my game strategy and learning from more than a few roster mistakes, I have assembled a roster close to perfection. In fact, it’s nearly as good as the team that NFL.com autodrafted for me the first time around (damn you, Kenne). Regardless, Lick My vaJJ Watt will become the first casualty in my run to a fantasy championship this season. And yes, I know Peyton Manning won’t play for the first week or two. He was still a steal. Also, this game puts me in the awkward position of rooting for the Packers, but against Aaron Rodgers tonight. Considering that we have no running game, that doesn’t bode well for me. But you know what? It doesn’t matter. I’m awesome.
Chode’s All Stars by 799
Team Beaupre (0-0) vs Corn on the Cobb (0-0)
Michael, no matter what you do this year, your fantasy team will still be overshadowed by the awful season that the Bears are about to have. Just remember that. Tell me, did you enjoy watching Jay Cutler pout on the sidelines while his team lost the NFC Championship Game as much as I did? I doubt it. Now that Favre has finally been exiled to the Wrangler Mud Football League, the torch has been passed to Cutler as the biggest douchebag in the NFC North. Carry it proudly, Jay. Also Mike, congratulations on getting engaged. That’s not a joke. Just know that if you brainwash your kids into becoming Chicago fans, you will be sentencing them to a life of misery and disappointment, and God may never forgive you.
Corn on the Cobb by 18
No Names (0-0) vs Mondolockdown (0-0)
Welcome to the league Brandon, and Levi, welcome back. We’ve missed you. Unfortunately, both of your teams suck and are boring as shit, so I can’t think of anything to write about. Instead, I’ll rebuke both of you for drafting kickers in the 9th round. What the hell? Have you never read a single fantasy football draft guide? Kicker is by far the least important position in fantasy football. The difference between the best kicker in fantasy and the 10th best kicker is less than two points per game. That means that even if you could predict the best kicker in fantasy (and you can’t), it still wouldn’t be worth it to draft one before the last round. And don’t tell me that it’s autopick’s fault either, because you still would have been better off putting every kicker on the “do not draft” list and picking one off of the waiver wire later. Okay. End rant. Seriously though, I’m glad you guys are in the league this year. Hope you’re enjoying the Picks.
No Names by 5
Brett Favre is a Douchebag (0-0) vs Suck my PeterSon (0-0)
Yes, Brett Favre is a douchebag. We know. But the torch has been passed to Cutler. I covered this earlier. Change your name Dan. Think of something clever about Rex Ryan’s foot fetish. It shouldn’t be too hard. Also Jared, you’re about 10 months overdue for a new fantasy name as well. I’ll let you off the hook because it’s the first week of the season, but next week is a different story. If I can think of enough shit to fill 3-4 pages with every week, you can come up with a clever new team name. Don’t they teach you guys anything at UW-Eau Claire? Actually, don’t answer that. I already know. Also, congratulations to the North Dakota Redskins for defeating powerhouse Drake University 16-0 last week.
Suck My PeterSon by 16
Somewhere over Dwayne Bowe (0-0) vs Its on like Ndamukong (0-0)
First Eric, I’d like to apologize for taking the Lions defense from you. But let’s be honest. We both know I’m not really sorry. That was a transparent apology, the same way I would “apologize” after spilling my beer on a guy wearing an Ohio State jersey. So to recap, I’m not sorry. On the other hand, I really do think that the Lions have an outside shot at making the playoffs this year, even if Stafford gets hurt again. It’s going to fun watching Clay Matthews and Ndamukong Suh battle it out for Defensive Player of the Year. And I’m even willing to admit that Calvin Johnson’s week 1 touchdown should have counted last year. So I won’t be ripping on the Lions as much this year. Michigan, however, is another story. It’s really a shame that the Badgers won’t get to run up the score on Big Blue again this season.
Somewhere over Dwayne Bowe by 4
It’s A Hard Knox Life (0-0) vs Donald Drivehers (0-0)
Seriously Will? You’re a Bears fan? What the hell? No wonder you finished in last place a year ago. In that case, I hope you’re ready to accept the Bulls and Cubs/White Sox as well, because you can’t split your allegiances between states. (I’m the exception, because as previously stated, I’m awesome, And my awesomeness cannot be contained by state borders.) Johnny Knox isn’t even a good receiver. Damn it, you leave me no choice. I have to pick Nate.
Donald Drivehers by a number too large for your tiny brain to comprehend
Alright. That’s it for the first edition in the 6th season of the Chode Picks. Only took me two and a half hours, and you bet your ass I wrote it all in one sitting. Bill Simmons, HOLD MY DIIIIIIIIIIIIIICK!
Lastly, a quote from suspended Oregon Ducks cornerback Cliff Harris. After being pulled over at a speed of 118 mph in a car smelling like pot and being asked by an officer “Who’s got the marijuiana?” Cliff calmly replied “We smoked it all”. Touche, Mr. Harris.
-Chode Out.
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