Welcome back, league, and let me be the first to extend to you a very happy Halloweekend. It’s currently 5:02PM on Thursday, and I’m cracking my first beer of what is sure to be a weekend for the ages. I don’t care what anyone else says, this is the most wonderful time of the year. My congratulations go out to those of you who made it to the promised land of Madison, Wisconsin. To everyone else, there’s always next year I guess. Also, 300 Chode Points if you can find me at some point on Friday or Saturday. Also, I don’t blame you if you decide not to go to State Street even if you do make it here, for one reason: the bands suck this year. My freshman year I (vaguely) remember watching O.A.R. play on the main stage in front of the capital building, and every year since then, the bands have gone downhill. Two years ago, Third Eye Blind played and gave us a pretty good show, and last year we took another step in the wrong direction with OK Go. This year, the headliner for Freakfest is (wait, let me look it up) … All Time Low. Who the hell is All Time Low? I appreciate that their band name perfectly describes the music lineup this year, but is it really that hard to get a decently famous band to come play in Madison on Halloween? I’m not going to write about this anymore, because it irritates me.
On a happier note: I want to talk about an all-time great performance that was put on by an NFL quarterback this past week. Every now and then, we see an athlete that transcends physical limitations and makes the impossible look routine. These are the players that make you believe that your team is going to win no matter what the score is. They may only come around once in a generation, but when they do you had better stop what you’re doing and watch. I hope you were lucky enough to witness such a player this past Sunday, in perhaps the finest display of quarterbacking I have ever seen in my life. Of course, I’m talking about Tim Tebow. If you didn’t get to watch Father Tim lead his historic comeback against the Dolphins last week, don’t despair, because he’ll probably do the same against the Lions this weekend. By the way, I think it’s reasonable to assume that Tebow’s success in the NFL despite his horrendous throwing motion is proof of the existence of the Christian God. Also, Aaron Rodgers played pretty well.
On the complete opposite of the spectrum, we have Carson Palmer. Congratulations Mr. Palmer, last Sunday you joined three other quarterbacks in this season’s exclusive 39.6 Club. As you may know, if a quarterback drops back and fires every pass straight into the ground, he gets a QB rating of 39.6. Palmer’s rating against Kansas City was a pitiful 17.3. I’m sure the Raiders won’t ever regret trading a first and second round pick for this guy. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. This never would have happened if Al Davis was still alive. Next topic.
Fuck Michigan State. I’m not going to recap the game from last Saturday, because it would rip my soul apart, but I think it’s safe to say that the Badgers outplayed the Spartans, but still lost due to multiple unforced errors. That game should not have come down to the last play. During my time as a student here, this loss ranks as a close second to last year’s Rose Bowl on a scale of devastating losses. This must be what it feels like to be a Vikings fan. Anyways, our national title aspirations may be gone, but Wisconsin still controls its own destiny in the Big Ten title race. If we win the rest of our regular season games (which we should), we’ll end up in the first ever Big Ten Championship Game. Hopefully it will be a rematch with those fucking Spartans. A second consecutive Rose Bowl is still a very real possibility.
Team Beaupre (5-2) vs Cam Newton - Champion (1-6)
Colts. We’re going to talk about the Colts in this space today. You may have noticed that there are more than a few teams openly tanking the season in order to have a chance to draft Andrew Luck in April. The race heated up this past week when the winless Dolphins found themselves with a 15-point lead late in the fourth quarter against Denver. Miami quickly and judiciously surrendered to Tebow’s Broncos and managed to lose in overtime to remain tied for last place. St. Louis however, made no such pretense of trying to win a football game against the Dallas Cowboys, and made DeMarco Murray look like Tecmo Bowl Bo Jackson in the process. Not to be outdone, the Colts went out and lost by 55 points to the New Orleans Saints, in what looked like a blatant attempt to get their coach fired on the spot. Touche, Indianapolis. You may soon find yourself with two great quarterbacks on your roster. In a related story, the Saints scored 62 points on Sunday night. Their next opponent, the St Louis Rams, have scored 56 points all season.
Team Beaupre by 55
27th Time is the Charm (5-2) vs Jay Cutler’s Low Blood Sugar (2-5)
27th time is the charm… I don’t get it. Is that how long it’s been since the Brewers have been to the World Series? If so, not cool Dave. Too soon. I’m still picking you to win though, for one reason: Chris Johnson sucks. I absolutely HATE it when players get a lucrative contract extension and decide to take the year off after. Not to mention the fact that Johnson has murdered thousands of fantasy teams this year. Grow a pair and act like a professional, Chris. You’re being outplayed by Matt Hasselbeck. Think about that for a while.
27th Time is the Charm by 28
No Names (4-3) vs Donald Drivehers (6-1)
Nate, nobody gives a damn how many points you’ve scored this season. Ask the 2007 Patriots how that worked out for them. Just be grateful that six people (probably seven after this week) have been nice enough to lose to you. You can’t take them with you into the playoffs. Speaking of the 2007 Patriots, it’s time to address the elephant in the room: the Packers are going undefeated this year. We all know it. They’ve only been seriously challenged once all season, and I don’t think anybody is coming close to them over the next 10 weeks. Keep that champagne on ice, ’72 Dolphins, because you’re going to want to drink your misery away after the Green Bay Packers complete their 19-0 season with a victory in Super Bowl XLVI.
Donald Drivehers by 11
Justin Forsett Down Her Throat (3-4) vs Its on like Ndamukong (4-3)
First, let’s make one thing perfectly clear: Ndamukong Suh is a prick. Even my friends from Michigan agree with me. You don’t need to taunt an injured player. Barry Sanders wouldn’t have done it, and neither should you. You know who else is a prick? Skip Bayless. One of my readers this week (I won’t reveal who, but his name rhymes with “Derrick Billups”) told me that my style of writing and debating reminds him of ESPN’s Bayless. That is complete and absolute bullshit. Skip couldn’t touch me with a ten foot pole. And to prove it, I’m going to challenge Skip Bayless to debate me on national television. Sometime over the next couple of weeks, I will write a letter to Bayless challenging him to friendly sportswriter debate either here in Madison, or in Bristol, Connecticut. This should be an easy victory for me, given that Skip holds two particularly ridiculous beliefs. First, that Tom Brady is better than Aaron Rodgers. Please. Second, that the Miami Heat aren’t the best team in the NBA. Preposterous. Last fall, you may remember that I took down Colin Cowherd in a similar duel. At this rate, by 2015 I will have beaten all of ESPN’s so-called “experts” and will takeover the company and rename it the Chode Sports Network.
Justin Forsett Down Her Throat by 31
Mondolockdown (1-6) vs Stephanie Sucks for Luck (3-4)
Well done, Kenne. I’m not sure if you’re trying to one-up me for the title of “biggest asshole in the league”, but make no mistake, I’m not going down without a fight. So I propose that you rename your team “Dawn sucks every guy at UW-Whitewater… for free!” Also, I’m not picking you to win this week, you bastard. I’ll pretend it’s because you’re starting Ponder at quarterback. You know, I kind of like him. He’s just good enough to keep the Vikings from losing enough games to draft a great quarterback, but not good enough to seriously challenge the Packers for the NFC North title.
Mondolockdown by 7
Chode’s All Stars (4-3) vs A-Rod in Wisconsin’s Pants (4-3)
You probably laughed when I claimed that Tebow would lead me to victory last week. Well, the joke’s on you dickheads, because he led my team in scoring. Great call by me. Probably the best idea I’ve had since that one time I ran out of bread and decided to make a grilled cheese with frozen waffles instead. Also, shout out to Mike McCarthy for breaking the Green Bay Packer record for consecutive victories with 13 in a row. Vince who? Also, you’re all idiots for not picking up DeMarco Murray.
Chode’s All Stars by 400
Shout out to the Wisconsin Men’s Hockey team for sweeping the North Dakota Mohawks last weekend.
Lastly, congratulations to the Chode. This past Tuesday I got a letter from the University of Wisconsin informing me that I’ve been accepted into the M.D. Program’s Class of 2016. I had a bottle of champagne sitting on ice for the occasion, and it was the sweetest drink that has ever crossed my lips. I think this is as good of a time as any to point out that I’ve been drunk every weekend for the past three years, snuck into Camp Randall multiple times, got an underage ticket, got busted trying to sneak booze into a football game, got caught having “consensual adult relations” on top of Bascom Hall, and I GOT INTO MEDICAL SCHOOL!! The lesson to be learned: Don’t EVER let anybody tell you that you can’t do something. Forgive me for this shameless bit of self-promotion. I hope to God my parents don’t read this.
WARNING: Reading the Chode Picks may result in increased intelligence, superhuman strength and agility, tiger blood, fire-breathing fists, severe intoxication, gratuitous violence, female sexual arousal, and winning. Read at your own risk.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Chode Picks - Week 7
Hello again, brothers, and welcome to week 7 of the glorious sixth season of the Chode Picks, sponsored by The League on FX. It’s a great day in the life of the Chode, for more than a few reasons. First, I don’t have to go to work today, but I’m still getting paid. You see, I was supposed to interview at Perelman School of Medicine in Philadelphia today, so I used some of my vacation time to make room for it, since I usually work on Fridays. Sometime in the last two weeks, however, I came to a startling conclusion: I do not want to live in Philadelphia. Also, now I can put the $300 that flight would have cost me towards a trip to New Orleans to watch the Badgers play Boise State in the BCS Championship game. You heard it here first. That, combined with the Packer’s continued dominance over the rest of the NFL has put me in a fantastic mood today. Also, I saw a midget riding a motorized scooter this morning, so that was pretty awesome. In fact, if it weren’t for the fucking St. Louis Cardinals, it would have been a perfect week. Anyways, we’ve got a lot of topics to cover this week so lets get started.
First, AJ Hawk. More specifically, AJ Hawk’s middle finger. I hope you got a chance to see Hawk flip the bird to the Rams’ sideline after sacking Sam Bradford last Sunday. After a fine of ten thousand dollars from the No Fun League, it may prove to be the most expensive middle finger in world history. If you ask me, it was ten thousand dollars well spent by Mr. Hawk. I hope it catches on, sort of like the “beast mode” sign did with the Brewers.
In another story about an awesome Packer, Morgan Burnett. More specifically, Morgan Burnett’s hand. If you thought I jinxed him a few weeks ago with my high praise, think again. This man literally plays better with one hand than most pro safeties do with two. What kills me is that I can only imagine how good Green Bay’s secondary would be with both Nick Collins and Burnett healthy at the same time. Normally this is where I would tell you that Burnett is a lock to make the Pro Bowl, but you already know that the Pack is going to be busy preparing for Buffalo in Super Bowl XLVI instead.
Next up, the Honey Badger. No, not Russell. Or Montee. Or James. Of course, I’m talking about Tyrann Mathieu, one of three LSU players suspended for the Auburn game tomorrow. Mathieu and the others were suspended for failing a mandatory drug test, which surprises me, because I know a couple of Wisconsin players that are on drugs literally all the damn time and have never failed a test. The Chode predicts that all three suspended LSU players will somehow find a way back onto the field for their showdown with Alabama next week.
Lastly, before we get to the Picks, I need to address a more serious issue. Next weekend is Halloween. If you’ve never been to Madison for Halloween, you haven’t truly lived yet. So I’m telling you this now: all of you bastards need to get here next weekend. I don’t care how. You won’t regret it, I promise. I gave you a week’s heads up. No excuses. Especially you, Sawle.
Chode’s All Stars (3-3) vs Mondolockdown (1-5)
Tim Tebow, starting fantasy quarterback. Yeah that’s right. Get used to it. And get used to watching Touchdown Timmy lead Chode’s All Stars to victory. Not so much the Broncos though. They’ll probably take one over the Dolphins this week, but it’s gonna be tough sledding for Denver this season. Chode’s All Stars, on the other hand, are gonna roll through the rest of the fantasy season. I dropped a few games early to give the rest of you a false sense of security, and because it looks cooler when you come from behind to win a championship.
Chode’s All Stars by 90
Antonio Cromartie Is My Dad (3-3) vs Team Beaupre (4-2)
Nice work, Kenne. In the immortal words of Thad Castle: “Can you imagine how rich Antonio Cromartie would be if he had a vasectomy?” Hey, gotta spread your seed though, right fellas? Also, screw you, Mike. Enjoy your victory now. By the way, I spent last weekend in Chicago, and I came back more firmly convinced than ever that Chicago sports fans are assholes. Congratulations, you beat the Vikings. Big fucking deal. Act like you’ve been there before. Your inferiority complex is showing. Also, LeBron >>> Rose. Deal with it.
Antonio Cromartie Is My Dad by 11
Its on like Ndamukong (4-2) vs A-Rod in Wisconsin’s pants (3-3)
Really, Eric? 4 players? Even for you, it’s a little early to start throwing away your season. Also Jared, Janikowski isn’t playing this week. Switch him out, I want you to pound the hell out of Its on like Ndamukong this week. Also, I just watched a full episode of How I Met Your Mother. Being completely honest, it’s not that bad. Maybe I was a bit too harsh on them earlier in the season. Or maybe I’m just talking myself into it because I’m going to be Barney Stinson for Halloween. Either way, SUIT UP!
A-Rod in Wisconsin’s pants by 57.95
Donald Drivehers (5-1) vs Justin Forsett Down Her Throat (3-3)
Good lord, Drew Brees is going to murder Indianapolis this week. Unfortunately, that means Nate is probably going to win again, so I’m not going to write any more about this matchup. Instead, I’ll focus on Oakland’s idiotic trade for Carson Palmer to supplant Kyle “I should’ve been a” Boller. If you haven’t heard yet, the Raiders gave up at least a future first and second round pick for an aging, mediocre quarterback who hasn’t played organized football in 7 months. That’s monumentally stupid. Almost as stupid as driving around at night and vandalizing your rival high schools, causing thousands of dollars in damages, and letting one guy take the fall for it. Just kidding. Welcome to the family, Jake. You too Kevin. I’m glad my readership is finally growing a little after I’ve been writing this bullshit every fall for six damn years. It’s about time.
Donald Drivehers by 80
Jay Cutler’s Low Blood Sugar (1-5) vs No Names (4-2)
Ah, damn it. Despite his best efforts, Will is probably going to win his second game of the year. Come on, Levi. All you have to do is make an effort. Please. After last week, I can’t stand to watch Bears fans win at anything. By the way, how do you have a better record than me? This is bullshit. Oh, I almost forgot. Best of luck to the North Dakota Squaws in their game against Cal Poly this afternoon. By the way, I’m taking a Native American literature class this fall to fulfill my ethnic studies requirement, and I can’t tell you how much joy it brings me to make up a new offensive name for UND every week.
No Names by .000000000000001
Cam Newton – Champion (0-6) vs Bears Urlaching an O-Line (5-1)
False and true, respectively. Newton isn’t quite there yet, but Chicago is definitely hurting in the pass protection department, which fills me with glee every Sunday when I get to watch Jay Cutler get pounded into the ground. Regardless, I’d like to extend my deepest congratulations to Kevin for maintaining the only winless record in the league. In this day and age, that’s hard to do. Best of luck on finishing 0-14. May the Force be with you. And if you’re honestly trying to win every week, then I’m sorry. You must have done something awful in a past life.
Bears Urlaching an O-Line by 5
Good find on the Bad QB League, Kenne. Remember when that guy lost the Bears a Super Bowl? Good times.
Congrats to the Menomonie Mustangs (ugh), who defeated New Richmond in their WIAA level one playoff game tonight. Should be a pretty good game next week against Marshfield. Give ‘em hell, James.
-Chode Out.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Chode Picks - Week 6
Welcome back friends, to Week 6 of the often imitated, but never duplicated Chode Picks. This week’s edition is brought to you by Boxer Premium Lager, the only beer manly enough to be sold in 36 packs, and thus the new official beer of the Chode. Brewed in Monroe, Wisconsin, Boxer is the very definition of a great Wisconsin beer. In fact, I’m drinking one right now, and the best way to describe it is that it tastes like a badger going down my throat. Can’t beat that. I feel like I deserve it, considering that I just got done beating the living hell out of my AChem exam. I also feel obliged to share with you a new pre-test ritual that I tried out this week. It all started when my girlfriend told me that her neurobiology professor told the class that drinking a beer an hour before you go to bed can increase the percentage of your sleep spent in an REM state, essentially making your sleep more efficient. So last night I cracked a Boxer at around 11:30 during my late study session, and after I finished, I had a startling revelation. If one beer before bed makes your sleep a little bit more efficient, would 8 or 9 beers make your sleep super-efficient? Well, there was only one way to find out. I decided to stay up and keep drinking until I felt tired enough to pass out, and I knew that my super-efficient sleep cycles would more than compensate. Strangely however, I woke up this morning very disoriented with a pounding headache. Must have been all of that damn studying depleting my brainpower. Anyways, I’ll let you know how the experiment turned out next week when I get my test scores back.
Before we get to the Picks this week, there are a few important issues I want to address:
First, the NBA lockout. Don’t let anybody fool you. There is only one group of people to blame for the possible cancellation of the 2011 season, and it’s not the players. Let me ask you this: Say you’re the owner of an NBA team. And just for the sake of argument, let’s say that you were smart enough to trick the state government into using taxpayer money to build a brand new stadium for your team. And since you own an NBA franchise, it’s safe to assume that you know a decent amount about professional basketball (right?). And let’s say that the NBA is coming off of its most-watched season since the days of Jordan (there’s one person to thank for that, and his talents reside in South Beach). Now assuming that you don’t overpay shitty players and your ticket prices are reasonable, you should have no problem turning a profit over 82 regular season games, right? Wrong, because you decided to give Rashard Lewis a maximum contract and pay Gilbert Arenas $62 million over three years to sit on the bench. Also, you’re charging hundreds of dollars per ticket, which for the most part don’t sell. Make no mistake here, the only reason we’re having an NBA lockout is because NBA owners and GMs are too stupid to spend their team’s money wisely. It’s hard for me to write about this because it pisses me off so much. The point is: anyone who owns an NBA team and can’t make a profit shouldn’t be allowed outside the house, or near any sharp objects. And remember this: America needs the NFL. It doesn’t really need the NBA. Without professional football, millions of people will spend their Sundays morbidly depressed. Without professional basketball, people will simply pay more attention to the college game. And LeBron will play football. Good Lord, can you imagine the possibilities? Think Jermichael Finley, only three inches taller and with a 4.40 forty yard dash time instead of 4.82. My dream is for LeBron to come to Green Bay, create the greatest passing attack in league history, win a Super Bowl, then go back to Miami and lead the Heat to a championship in a lockout-shortened season. Yeah, I know its not going to happen. But anyways, fuck the NBA owners. Next topic.
E-A-G-L-E-S EAGLES!!!!! Just kidding. Philadelphia sucks. Which is why I want to take a moment to denounce their new nicknames, the “Philadelphia Heat” or the “Dream Team”. Excuse me. Both the original Dream Team and the 2011 Miami Heat enjoyed a fair amount of success. The Dream Team happened to be the best basketball team the world had ever seen, while the Heat were the second-best team in the NBA last season. Comparing either of them to the 1-4 Eagles is disgraceful and insulting. Also, Vick is a shell of his 2010 self. My theory is that the gravitational pull of Andy Reid is affecting the trajectory of Vick’s passes. I’d like to see somebody prove me wrong.
Tim “Virgin Air” Tebow, NFL starting quarterback. Get used to it. Last week Denver coach John (J-O-H-N) Fox made the smart decision to pull Kyle “I haven’t played a good game since college” Orton and insert the Mile High Messiah to jump start his team’s offense. It worked. The Tebownator led the Broncos on two scoring drives and probably would have won the game had it not been for Orton’s terrible play in the first half. Fox announced yesterday that the Big Tebowski will start next week against Miami. Look out Dolphins, here comes the mighty Teboner. Mad intangibles, comin’ at ya. The Chode boldly predicts that Uno Cinco will lead the Broncos to victory over the Dolphins, and then upset Detroit the week after. You heard it here first. By the way Orton, cut your damn hair. People are going to get you confused with Jay Cutler, and that’s never a good thing.
One more before we get to the picks:
“KUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHNNNNNNNN!!!
Chode’s All Stars (3-2) vs Team Beaupre (3-2)
One of these fine teams is going to be 3-3 next week, and it won’t be Chode’s All Stars. Guaranteed. Want to know why? Because as bad as Eli Manning is for the Giants, he’s a terrific fantasy quarterback for one reason: the Giants are always playing from behind. Manning and Victor Cruz are the Montana and Rice of garbage time. Also, Josh Freeman sucks. I’d rather have Russell Wilson. By the way, I don’t know if you watched the Wisconsin-Indiana massacre today, but Wilson’s touchdown catch from Montee Ball was awesome. There’s literally nothing this man can’t do on a football field. Honestly, I think Bret Bielema watched Andrew Luck making his one-handed catch two weeks ago and thought to himself “You know what? My quarterback can catch passes too. And he’s going to catch one for a touchdown against the Hoosiers. Up yours, Stanford. Russell Wilson for Heisman.” By the way, I feel obligated to mention the fact that Chode’s All Stars outscored every other team in the league last week. In other words, I beat all of you. Get used to it.
Chode’s All Stars by 52
The Bears Offensive Line (4-1) vs Ron Mexico (3-2)
Well done, both of you. Michael Vick jokes never go out of style, and the actual Bears offensive line has more holes than a Hustler magazine. If you haven’t noticed, this week features 6 cross-divisional matchups in the Sorry For Partying fantasy league. Look for the AFC to sweep all of them. Unless Kenne is an idiot and leaves the inactive Julio Jones in his starting lineup tomorrow. You’re welcome.
Ron Mexico by 5
Mondolockdown (0-5) vs Its on like Ndamukong (4-1)
Really, Brandon? I hope you realize that tanking the fantasy season doesn’t guarantee that you get to draft Andrew Luck next year. On a side note, congratulations, Indianapolis. Not only have you won more games than any other team over the past decade, you managed to put yourself in position to get Peyton Manning 2.0 next April. If you could just figure out the whole “winning in the playoffs” thing, you’d be unstoppable. Also congratulations to Calvin Johnson, who has taken the unofficial title of ‘best receiver in the NFL’ from Andre Johnson. He’s not giving it back anytime soon. Anyways, Brandon loses this one because he’s a dumbass.
Its on like Ndamukong by 81
A-Rod in Wisconsin’s Pants (3-2) vs Donald Drivehers (4-1)
Damn it, Jared. Pay attention. You know how much I hate picking Nate to win, but you leave me no choice. Ugh. Shout out to Anthony Calvillo for breaking professional football’s all-time passing record this week. Yes, he plays in Canada. Don’t judge. Also, best of luck to the North Dakota Mohicans against Cal Poly next week.
Donald Drivehers by 31
Jusitn Forsett Down Her Throat (2-3) vs Jay Cutler’s Low Blood Sugar (1-4)
As much as I wanted to root for the Bears against the Lions last Monday night, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. By the way, I’m headed to Chicago for an interview at Northwestern on Monday. If I can find a Packer tie before then, I’m going to wear it. Chicago really is an awful city. Fuck your Bears, Bulls, Cubs, White Sox, Blackhawks and Wildcats. Dan Persa sucks. Lastly, I hate to admit it, but Andy “the Red Rifle” Dalton might end up being the steal of the 2011 draft. Gingers have souls!
Justin Forsett Down her Throat by 12
No Names (3-2) vs Somewhere over Dwayne Bowe (0-5)
Ok I’ll admit it. I was wrong about Newton. He’s one hell of a football player. Cam has single-handedly revived the Panthers and reminded us all how good Steve Smith can be when he’s not carrying an awful quarterback. Reggie Bush, this is what you were supposed to do for the Saints. Whoops.
No Names by 1
Fuck it. Lets go drink.
ES/FU
-Chode Out.
Before we get to the Picks this week, there are a few important issues I want to address:
First, the NBA lockout. Don’t let anybody fool you. There is only one group of people to blame for the possible cancellation of the 2011 season, and it’s not the players. Let me ask you this: Say you’re the owner of an NBA team. And just for the sake of argument, let’s say that you were smart enough to trick the state government into using taxpayer money to build a brand new stadium for your team. And since you own an NBA franchise, it’s safe to assume that you know a decent amount about professional basketball (right?). And let’s say that the NBA is coming off of its most-watched season since the days of Jordan (there’s one person to thank for that, and his talents reside in South Beach). Now assuming that you don’t overpay shitty players and your ticket prices are reasonable, you should have no problem turning a profit over 82 regular season games, right? Wrong, because you decided to give Rashard Lewis a maximum contract and pay Gilbert Arenas $62 million over three years to sit on the bench. Also, you’re charging hundreds of dollars per ticket, which for the most part don’t sell. Make no mistake here, the only reason we’re having an NBA lockout is because NBA owners and GMs are too stupid to spend their team’s money wisely. It’s hard for me to write about this because it pisses me off so much. The point is: anyone who owns an NBA team and can’t make a profit shouldn’t be allowed outside the house, or near any sharp objects. And remember this: America needs the NFL. It doesn’t really need the NBA. Without professional football, millions of people will spend their Sundays morbidly depressed. Without professional basketball, people will simply pay more attention to the college game. And LeBron will play football. Good Lord, can you imagine the possibilities? Think Jermichael Finley, only three inches taller and with a 4.40 forty yard dash time instead of 4.82. My dream is for LeBron to come to Green Bay, create the greatest passing attack in league history, win a Super Bowl, then go back to Miami and lead the Heat to a championship in a lockout-shortened season. Yeah, I know its not going to happen. But anyways, fuck the NBA owners. Next topic.
E-A-G-L-E-S EAGLES!!!!! Just kidding. Philadelphia sucks. Which is why I want to take a moment to denounce their new nicknames, the “Philadelphia Heat” or the “Dream Team”. Excuse me. Both the original Dream Team and the 2011 Miami Heat enjoyed a fair amount of success. The Dream Team happened to be the best basketball team the world had ever seen, while the Heat were the second-best team in the NBA last season. Comparing either of them to the 1-4 Eagles is disgraceful and insulting. Also, Vick is a shell of his 2010 self. My theory is that the gravitational pull of Andy Reid is affecting the trajectory of Vick’s passes. I’d like to see somebody prove me wrong.
Tim “Virgin Air” Tebow, NFL starting quarterback. Get used to it. Last week Denver coach John (J-O-H-N) Fox made the smart decision to pull Kyle “I haven’t played a good game since college” Orton and insert the Mile High Messiah to jump start his team’s offense. It worked. The Tebownator led the Broncos on two scoring drives and probably would have won the game had it not been for Orton’s terrible play in the first half. Fox announced yesterday that the Big Tebowski will start next week against Miami. Look out Dolphins, here comes the mighty Teboner. Mad intangibles, comin’ at ya. The Chode boldly predicts that Uno Cinco will lead the Broncos to victory over the Dolphins, and then upset Detroit the week after. You heard it here first. By the way Orton, cut your damn hair. People are going to get you confused with Jay Cutler, and that’s never a good thing.
One more before we get to the picks:
“KUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHNNNNNNNN!!!
Chode’s All Stars (3-2) vs Team Beaupre (3-2)
One of these fine teams is going to be 3-3 next week, and it won’t be Chode’s All Stars. Guaranteed. Want to know why? Because as bad as Eli Manning is for the Giants, he’s a terrific fantasy quarterback for one reason: the Giants are always playing from behind. Manning and Victor Cruz are the Montana and Rice of garbage time. Also, Josh Freeman sucks. I’d rather have Russell Wilson. By the way, I don’t know if you watched the Wisconsin-Indiana massacre today, but Wilson’s touchdown catch from Montee Ball was awesome. There’s literally nothing this man can’t do on a football field. Honestly, I think Bret Bielema watched Andrew Luck making his one-handed catch two weeks ago and thought to himself “You know what? My quarterback can catch passes too. And he’s going to catch one for a touchdown against the Hoosiers. Up yours, Stanford. Russell Wilson for Heisman.” By the way, I feel obligated to mention the fact that Chode’s All Stars outscored every other team in the league last week. In other words, I beat all of you. Get used to it.
Chode’s All Stars by 52
The Bears Offensive Line (4-1) vs Ron Mexico (3-2)
Well done, both of you. Michael Vick jokes never go out of style, and the actual Bears offensive line has more holes than a Hustler magazine. If you haven’t noticed, this week features 6 cross-divisional matchups in the Sorry For Partying fantasy league. Look for the AFC to sweep all of them. Unless Kenne is an idiot and leaves the inactive Julio Jones in his starting lineup tomorrow. You’re welcome.
Ron Mexico by 5
Mondolockdown (0-5) vs Its on like Ndamukong (4-1)
Really, Brandon? I hope you realize that tanking the fantasy season doesn’t guarantee that you get to draft Andrew Luck next year. On a side note, congratulations, Indianapolis. Not only have you won more games than any other team over the past decade, you managed to put yourself in position to get Peyton Manning 2.0 next April. If you could just figure out the whole “winning in the playoffs” thing, you’d be unstoppable. Also congratulations to Calvin Johnson, who has taken the unofficial title of ‘best receiver in the NFL’ from Andre Johnson. He’s not giving it back anytime soon. Anyways, Brandon loses this one because he’s a dumbass.
Its on like Ndamukong by 81
A-Rod in Wisconsin’s Pants (3-2) vs Donald Drivehers (4-1)
Damn it, Jared. Pay attention. You know how much I hate picking Nate to win, but you leave me no choice. Ugh. Shout out to Anthony Calvillo for breaking professional football’s all-time passing record this week. Yes, he plays in Canada. Don’t judge. Also, best of luck to the North Dakota Mohicans against Cal Poly next week.
Donald Drivehers by 31
Jusitn Forsett Down Her Throat (2-3) vs Jay Cutler’s Low Blood Sugar (1-4)
As much as I wanted to root for the Bears against the Lions last Monday night, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. By the way, I’m headed to Chicago for an interview at Northwestern on Monday. If I can find a Packer tie before then, I’m going to wear it. Chicago really is an awful city. Fuck your Bears, Bulls, Cubs, White Sox, Blackhawks and Wildcats. Dan Persa sucks. Lastly, I hate to admit it, but Andy “the Red Rifle” Dalton might end up being the steal of the 2011 draft. Gingers have souls!
Justin Forsett Down her Throat by 12
No Names (3-2) vs Somewhere over Dwayne Bowe (0-5)
Ok I’ll admit it. I was wrong about Newton. He’s one hell of a football player. Cam has single-handedly revived the Panthers and reminded us all how good Steve Smith can be when he’s not carrying an awful quarterback. Reggie Bush, this is what you were supposed to do for the Saints. Whoops.
No Names by 1
Fuck it. Lets go drink.
ES/FU
-Chode Out.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Chode Picks - Week 5
You didn’t believe me, did you? Don’t blame yourself, nobody did. Last week, when I boldly claimed that the Wisconsin Badgers could win the national championship, and that the Brewers would play the Tigers in the World Series, I knew there would be doubters. I knew that a lot of you wouldn’t be able to wrap your head around the idea that the Badgers might be the best team in the country, and I knew that nobody thought Detroit could take down the mighty Yankees. But like any other visionary, I could see beyond the cynics and into the glorious future. I could see Russell Wilson (for Heisman) and Montee Ball shredding the Husker defense to vault themselves into the top five. I could see Fister and Verlander (The best baseball player in the world, hands down. If you disagree, you’re wrong.) shutting down the vaunted New York offense to put the Tigers into the ALCS. Best of all, I could see Nyjer Morgan hitting the Brewers past the Diamondbacks and F-bombing the entire country on national television. Awesome. The lesson from last week: never doubt NostraChodeus. Ever.
On a side note, I’d like to apologize for the lateness of this week’s Chode Picks. You see, my Macbook crashed on Wednesday night when Steve Jobs died, and it took me a few days to recover my supply of immature humor, which the Picks are useless without. I know I usually get the Picks out long before Sunday night, but sometimes life gets in the way. Got a problem with it? Well then, fuck you.
Speaking of famous dead people, Al Davis. Just win, baby! I have to admit, watching the NFL draft next April is going to be a lot less entertaining knowing that Davis doesn’t have seven picks to murder his team’s future with. Sad.
Anyways, I think last week’s Wisconsin-Nebraska game deserves a little more analysis, so here goes: Welcome to the Big Ten assholes! Despite losing my voice sometime during the 2nd quarter, I still managed to harass more than my fair share of Husker fans with that line before, during and after the nationally televised beating that the Badgers gave to Bo Pelini’s crew. To be fair though, I must admit that I was impressed with the number of Nebraskans that made the trip to Madison for the game. I was also impressed with Taylor Martinez, Nebraska’s starting quarterback. Martinez proved his versatility by throwing to all sorts of targets on the field, including receivers, running backs, linebackers, cornerbacks, and even safeties. I can’t really blame the Husker defense too much for letting up 48 points, since playing against Russell Wilson is like playing against Michael Vick in ‘Madden 2003’.
By the way, the Picks are brought to you this week from exotic Iowa City, Iowa. In spite of my disdain for the Hawkeyes, I have to admit that it’s a pretty nice town. It reminds me of a smaller, shittier version of Madison. And it’s pretty cool how dedicated the city is to their college sports teams. Even though Iowa sucks this year, most of the local businesses are still decked out in yellow in black, and the main streets of the city are lined with banners celebrating Iowa football All-Americans from the past (all three of them). Also, the med school was pretty nice, and I think they liked me. Not a bad trip. Lastly, congratulations to the Iowa volleyball team for improving to 1-4 in the Big Ten this season.
Alright, better get to the picks before they’re completely over with:
Chode’s All Stars (2-2) vs Jay Cutler’s Low Blood Sugar (1-3)
First and foremost: I don’t believe in diabetes. Or Attention Deficit Disorder. Or Santa Claus. Or Tony Romo. Ok, maybe I believe in diabetes a little, but Cutler’s supporters (all three of them) milk the living hell out of it. If you’re a pro athlete, you don’t get to use diabetes as an excuse for poor performance any more than I get to use alcoholism as an excuse for not showing up to class. Deal with it. The second point I want to make here is short and sweet: Fuck you, Anquan Boldin. Going into last week’s Sunday night matchup, I needed Boldin to gain a mere 41 yards in order to hand Eric his first lost of the year. It’s worth noting that Anquan hadn’t been held to less than 45 yards yet all season. So I felt pretty damn good about my chances of improving to 3-1. Until Mr. Boldin decided to shit the bed and catch one freaking pass for 27 yards all game. Game, set match, and Chode drops to .500, all thanks to you asshole. It’s been a full week and I’m still mad about it. Regardless, a matchup with Jay Cutler’s Low Blood Sugar is just what the doctor ordered to get my team back on track.
Chode’s All Stars by 81
No Names (3-1) vs Dick Butkus My Ass (3-1)
Great name, even better picture. Well done, Dave. Levi, I’m pretty sure you could have taken this one if you hadn’t started two guys with bye weeks. Someone want to explain to me how I finished 9th out of ten teams in this league last year? In the immortal words of Mike McCarthy: “That’s goddamn bullshit”. Fifty Chode points if you caught that watching the Packers on NBC tonight. Also, kudos to Sam Shields for shutting down the overrated Julio Jones on national TV. And kudos to Aaron Rodgers for being Aaron Rodgers. And most of all, kudos to the mass of Packer fans that made the trip to Atlanta. Get out of our dome, Falcons.
Dick Butkus My Ass by 37
Justin Forsett Down Her Throat (2-2) vs Team Beaupre (3-1)
Still my favorite name in fantasy football, Dan. Unfortunately, now you’re in the unpleasant position of watching tomorrow night’s game praying for Matt Forte to pull a hamstring before he scores 12 points. It’s a testament to how good Mike’s team is that he’s still probably going to win after Josh Freeman played the worst game of his brief career today. And Dan, sooner or later you’re going to need another RB. How about LeGarrette Blount? I’ll give you a real good deal. And you really don’t need Rivers anyways. You can trust in the Dirty Sanchez. Believe me. I’ll even pick you to win, only if it’s because I want to type….
Justin Forsett Down Team Beaupre’s Throat by 8==========>
A-Rod in Wisconsin’s Pants (2-2) vs Mondolockdown (0-4)
Nice, Jared. No, I’m not talking about your team name, I meant your decision to go with Kevin Kolb as your starter. How’s that working out for you? The Chode would like to extend his gratitude to Mr. Kolb for giving the Vikings their first win of the season. Seriously. We need the Vikings to win at least 4 games this year to put them safely out of the Andrew Luck Sweepstakes. As much as I’d love to see Minnesota finish with the worst record in the league, we can’t afford to let them draft the next Aaron Rodgers. And considering how awful the Vikings are, we might need a few more gifts like the Cardinals gave them today. Also Brandon, your team sucks something awful. You’re threatening to become the first overdefeated team in league history. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
A-Rod in Wisconsin’s Pants by 120
Somewhere over Dwayne Bowe (0-4) vs Current Black Presidents (2-2)
Good Lord, IS THERE ANYBODY TRYING TO WIN IN THIS LEAGUE? Don’t answer that. By the way Kenne, I’ve been looking at your picture for a while and I can’t figure out what the hell is going on. Is that a cheerleader getting plowed over by a football player or just some sorostitute waiting to get plowed by a football player? Either way, she is neither black, nor a current president. But I’m glad I’m not the only one that still watches SNL Celebrity Jeopardy skits. I’ll take “The Rapists” for 800, Trebek.
Current Black Presidents by $TEXAS
Donald Drivehers (3-1) vs Its on like Ndamukong (4-0)
Up yours, Eric.
Donald Drivehers by ninety billion
Shout out to the North Dakota Injuns for destroying Montana Western 42-9 to improve to 4-2 on the season. I really, really wish that UND was playing Minnesota this season. I honestly think that the Sioux would be favored. And that’s not even a big compliment to North Dakota. The Gophers are just that terrible.
BUCK FUTTER!!
-Chode Out.
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