Chode Picks – Week 17

Salutations!!  Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen, to the final 2012 edition of the Chode Picks!  That’s right, although my primary fantasy football league’s season may be over, the picks will go on.  More specifically, the picks will go on for as long as the Green Bay Packers are still alive in the NFL Playoffs.  With any luck, I’ll be writing into early February.  Cross your fingers.  I’ll get to the Packers’ playoff prospects in a moment, but first I know you’re all dying to hear about the wild shenanigans that have been going on in my hometown over winter break.  And I know that this might come as a shock to some of you, but somehow this city managed to become even more boring in the month between Thanksgiving and Christmas.  It’s really astounding.  I don’t understand why anyone between 18 and 30 years old would choose to live here.  Imagine going to a bar on a Friday night where the only thing on television is the Meineke Car Care Bowl of Texas and re-runs of “Wheel of Fortune”.  Now fill that bar with 40-something alcoholics and all of the kids that dropped out of your high school class.  Now dim the lights way down so you can’t quite tell just how ugly everyone is, and load up the jukebox with shitty country songs.  Welcome to Menomonie. 

Luckily, I’m getting the hell out of here for New Year’s.  A couple of friends and I decided to head over to the armpit of the Midwest (also known as Minneapolis-St. Paul) tomorrow morning in an attempt to scalp tickets to the Packer-Viking game and enjoy some end-of-the-year festivities the next night.  This means I’ll most likely be watching the Rose Bowl in Gopher territory on New Year’s Day, which gives me the wonderful opportunity to do what I do best: rub my team’s success in the face of the Minnesotans.  Just thinking about it makes me giggle.  I suppose there is a faint possibility that the Badgers could lose to Stanford and ruin it for me, but then I can always take solace in the Gophers’ tremendous failure last night against Texas Tech.  Allow me to explain.

With just about two minutes left in their season, the 6-6 Minnesota Golden Gophers had somehow, miraculously managed to take a seven point lead over the Texas Tech Red Raiders, needing only a defensive stop to secure their first bowl victory in over a decade.  True to form however, the Gopher defense promptly gave up a 35-yard touchdown strike from Raider quarterback Seth Doege.  This however, left Philip Nelson and the Gopher offense with 70 seconds left to move down the field and kick the winning field goal.  Nelson and company were remarkably efficient on the drive, working all the way down Texas Tech’s 40 yard line, just outside of field goal range.  Unfortunately though, Philip apparently picked that moment to tell himself “Wait a minute.  This isn’t right, we’re supposed to lose these games” and promptly threw an interception that was returned to Minnesota’s own 20-yard line, setting up the winning field goal for Texas Tech as time expired.  Truly an outstanding performance.  But I think it’s time to write about the successful teams in college football, so without further delay I present to you…

Chode’s Third Annual BCS Bowl-O-Rama!!  That’s right, it’s the end-of-year tradition where I preview all of college football’s most prestigious games and correctly pick the winners.  Let’s get to it, in order of least to most important:

DISCOVER ORANGE BOWL: #15 NORTHERN ILLINOIS (12-1) VS #12 FLORIDA STATE (11-2)

Did you know that Dave Doeren, Northern Illinois’ recently departed head coach, used to be the running back coach at Wisconsin?  Did you know that he stupidly accepted a job at North Carolina State just before the head coaching job at UW opened up?  Did you know that former UW-Stout assistant coach Rod Carey is now leading the Huskies?  Did you know that Rod Carey is a jackass and a shitty coach?  Did you know that Northern Illinois has absolutely no chance of winning this game?  You do now.  Place your bets accordingly.  Winner gets a giant glass bowl full of delicious oranges.

Florida State by 35

ALLSTATE SUGAR BOWL: #3 FLORIDA (11-1) VS #21 LOUISVILLE (10-2)

Here we have the third-ranked Florida Gators, the tough-luck one loss team in the SEC that got left out of the National Championship game, despite fielding the best Gator squad since the days of Tebow and Urban Meyer.  Standing in their way are the Louisville Cardinals, who benefited from winning the Big East, which apparently still gets you an automatic BCS bid.  Winner gets a fantastic insurance policy from Allstate that will be enough to cover your meds after you develop type II diabetes from guzzling the winner’s share of granulated sugar.  Anyways, since I think the Gators are the only team in the country that might be able to beat Alabama, I’m obviously picking them to win by a number that’s too high for most Florida grads to count to.

Florida by 13

TOSTITOS FIESTA BOWL: #4 OREGON (11-1) VS #5 KANSAS STATE (11-1)

First of all, thank God that Oregon didn’t make the Rose Bowl again.  That would have been embarrassing.  Secondly, thank God that Collin Klein didn’t win the Heisman.  That would have been equally embarrassing.  He won’t even be the best quarterback on the field in this one.  After somehow being held to 14 points against Stanford, look for Marcus Mariota and the Ducks to get back on track and steamroll the Wildcats.  Oregon is just too damn fast.  Also, their bowl game jerseys are always awesome.  Apparently this year’s version is supposed to be perfectly matched to the color of the turf in Glendale, making the Ducks nearly invisible to the naked eye.  Kansas State has countered by equipping their players with infrared goggles that detect body heat instead.  It won’t be enough.  Winner gets showered with Tostitos chips and salsa rather than confetti and Gatorade.

Oregon by 10

DISCOVER BCS NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP GAME: #1 NOTRE DAME (12-0) VS #2 ALABAMA (12-1)

One game is all that stands between this Notre Dame squad and a perfect season.  One game is all that stands between quarterback Everett Golson and immortality.  One game is all that stands between Manti Te’o and a fairytale ending before he goes on to a career of mediocrity in the NFL.  Unfortunately for the Fighting Irish, that one game is against Nick Saban and Alabama.  And I’m fairly certain that Saban sold his soul for total college football dominance a while ago.  Damn it, I hate the SEC.  Not only did they steal my coach, they’re forcing me to root for Notre Dame in the biggest game of the year.  Winner gets a beautiful crystal football and a million-dollar bonus. 

Alabama by 7

ROSE BOWL GAME PRESENTED BY VIZIO: WISCONSIN (8-5) VS #6 STANFORD (11-2)

So apparently, there are a few “people” at ESPN that think Wisconsin doesn’t “deserve” to be in a “BCS bowl game” after “losing” five games and being “unranked” in the BCS standings.  If any of you end up reading this, I suggest that you kindly “go fuck yourselves”.  There are plenty of reasons that we deserve to be here, and even more that we’re going to run the Cardinal off of the damn field on New Year’s Day.  Here are a few:

-       We’ve been here before.  Twice in the past two seasons, actually.  Consider it Camp Randall West.  The last time Stanford played in the Tournament of Roses?  January 1^st, 2000, when they lost to, yep the Wisconsin Badgers.

-       Stanford has a lot of experience shutting down an elite running back.  Unfortunately for them, we have not one, not two, but THREE elite running backs.  Montee, James and Melvin, don’t make a fool out of me.

-       Joel Stave is cleared to play again, giving us not one, not two, but THREE mediocre quarterbacks.  Beat that, Stanford. 

-       I won’t be at the game this year, which means we’ll probably win, because that’s how these things work.

-       Barry.  Fucking.  Alvarez.

Wisconsin by 3

Well, that wraps up the college football season.  I’ll be back to gloat later after the Badgers take care of business in Pasadena, but now it’s time to get to the NFL landscape, and in particular the most meaningful Packer-Viking game in recent memory.

GREEN BAY PACKERS (11-4) VS MINNESOTA VIKINGS (9-6)

First of all, I’d like to console my Minnesotan friends by pointing out that this isn’t a true elimination game for the Vikings.  After the Packers win, Minnesota can still make the playoffs if the Bears, Cowboys and Giants all lose.  So not all hope is lost.  You have roughly a twelve percent chance of making the postseason.  Now, whether your players will want to play another game after the ridiculous curb-stomping they’re about to suffer tomorrow is a completely different question.  We’ll see.  Also, I’d like to revise a prediction that I made last week; I now think that Adrian Peterson will break 208 yards.  In fact, I think he’ll rush for 209 yards leading up to the last play of the game, when the Vikings have a fourth and goal on the Packers’ one-yard line, trailing by five with eight seconds left in the game.  Then I predict B.J. Raji will break through the line of scrimmage and stuff him for a three-yard loss.  It will be the most glorious play in the history of the Packer-Viking rivalry. 

Anyways, more than a few of my Packer friends have been questioning how much we have to gain by winning this game, since it seems like having a first-round bye can sap some of the momentum a team builds going into the playoffs.  Personally, the way I look at it is that we need to win four consecutive games to become Super Bowl champions again, and we can take care of one of them tomorrow.  Might as well do it against shitty competition.  And if you’re gambling on this game, remember the cardinal rule of NFL betting: never, ever wager on Christian Ponder in a big game.

Packers by 5

As for the NFL MVP race, there’s been a lot of chatter lately that Peterson could take home the NFL’s most coveted regular-season award.  Personally, I don’t think he can get it if the Vikings don’t make the playoffs.  That’s pretty much a prerequisite, you have to be able to lead your team to the postseason.  Even if he does though, I really think the “valuable” part of “Most Valuable Player” is going to hurt his chances.  The truth is, in the NFL today, having an elite quarterback is more valuable than anything else, even a 2,000 yard rusher.  So I’m guessing the award is going to Peyton Manning.  He deserves it just as much as anyone.  Normally Aaron Rodgers would have a shot at it, but his stats are a bit down from his all-time great season last year, so unfortunately that’s going to hurt him.  I guess he’ll have to settle for another Super Bowl MVP.  Damn. 

By the way, I completely forgot to write about new Wisconsin football coach Gary Andersen last week.  My bad.  First of all, I’d like to express my deep disappointment that Barry passed me up for the job.  I didn’t even get a courtesy interview.  Jackass.  However, the defensive coordinator job is still very much available, and I plan on being more aggressive in my pursuit of that job.  If any of you have connections in the athletic department, help me out here.  I’m sure I’ve got to be on their radar at least by this point.  Anyways, when I found out about the Andersen hire two weeks ago, I had the same reaction as most Badger fans: “Gary who?”  But after doing a bit of research, he seems like a winner, a hard worker and a legitimately good guy overall, which is more than I can say about that prick who went to Arkansas.  In fact, I’ll go ahead and guarantee that Andersen’s Badgers will make more BCS bowl games in the next decade than Bielema’s Razorbacks.  You hear me, Bret?  You do not get to dump Wisconsin for some rich, slutty SEC bitch and get away with it.  Also, your growing deposits of visceral fat are greatly increasing your risk of coronary heart disease.

By the way, if any of you are looking for a belated Christmas gift for me, I’ve got the perfect idea.  I'd like Bret Bielema, my former coach, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there in Fayetteville with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is! Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where's the Tylenol?

Sorry, I can’t take credit for the previous paragraph.  I watched National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation the other night and I wanted to find a way to work Clark Griswold’s rant in. 

Three more thoughts before I call it a day:

-       Congratulations to the 2012 NFL Least Valuable Player: Mark Sanchez.

-       Best of luck to Brian and Miceli as they duke it out for the fantasy title and Shiva trophy in our Madison league this week.  Also best wishes to Jeff and Megan in the Sacco Bowl, in which the loser will be required to display the Purple Thrasher in their home until next season.

-       Jared Mondlock, here’s your damn shout-out.  Congratulations, you’re famous.

- Chode Out.

Chode Picks – Week 16

I wasn’t going to write this week.  I really wasn’t.  After seven long seasons, four years of college, one semester of medical school, approximately eight million picks and more immature jokes than I care to remember, I was finally ready for the end.  After cramming a lifetime full of awesomeness into just 23 precious years, I was fully prepared for the end of the world, and the sweet oblivion it would bring.  After all, some of the smartest people on the internets had assured me that the Mayans couldn’t be wrong, that the apocalypse had to occur exactly two days after my birthday.  So in preparation for our impending doom, I decided that after finishing all of my in-class finals I wanted to go out in style, doing what I do best: drinking to excess.  Unfortunately, after a wild end of semester/Christmas/Armageddon on the 20^th, I woke up the next morning with three crushing realizations.

1)   Sadly, the sky had not exploded

2)   I had a devastating hangover, and…

3)   I still had to finish an online Biochem final and write this edition of Chode Picks before the end of the week.

Yes, that’s right.  An online exam in medical school.  How, you ask?  Hold on.  Let’s rewind a bit, back to December 18^th, also known as the day before the Greatest Day of the Year.  As you probably didn’t know, the 18^th was also the day of my first two exams this week, which just happened to be the only two that I needed to do halfway decent on in order to secure a passing grade.  Despite this, afterwards I was planning on being “responsible” and “studying” for genetics the next day.  Fortunately, my friends had other plans for me.  After being dragged downtown for “just a couple of drinks”, I was about to call it a night and try to salvage a decent night’s sleep before my final the next morning, when my buddy (whom I’ll call GD because he doesn’t deserve to have his name in the Chode Picks) threw down the following challenge:

GD: (setting a pitcher of beer in front of me) Happy birthday.

Chode: What the hell is this?

GD: Pitcher race

Chode: You realize I have a final tomorrow

GD: Yes, but according to the Chode Picks, “past Quilling kicked enough ass to make up for it”.  Drink up.

Chode: … you’re an asshole.

I’ll have you all know that I won that damn pitcher race.  And despite waking up the next morning with a nasty headache, I’m pretty sure I dominated that exam too, leaving me with just one the next day before a glorious, two-week Christmas break.  Then the unthinkable happened.  You see, late that afternoon, it became obvious that the largest snowstorm in the past decade was headed directly towards Madison, Wisconsin, with an expected snowfall upwards of 11 inches.  This led the brass at the university to cancel ALL of the undergraduate finals scheduled for Thursday and gifted us with the single most magical occurrence of the year: a UW-Madison snow day.  And as is customary on a snow day, the entire student body made the logical choice to drink ourselves silly, start massive snow fights and block major city streets with giant snowballs rather than study for any remaining exams on Friday or Saturday.  I don’t know if I’ve ever been prouder of my school.  (I suppose this is where I should apologize for my derogatory comments towards the weather a couple of weeks ago.  Just this once, we’re on good terms, snow.) So in summary, my birthday was awesome and I’d like to thank everyone who helped me celebrate and ease the pain of turning 23 and officially becoming old as shit.  Damn it, that’s almost a quarter of a century.  This sucks.  I wanted to stay 22 forever (and no, I’m not going to link you to that God-awful Taylor Swift song). 

Regardless, after the snow day, I had until the 23^rd at noon to take my online exam, which seemed like a bit of a joke even after our professors asked us very nicely not to consult our notes or the internet  (Did I use mine?  Of course not, I’m a man of integrity*), but now that it’s over, I have literally nothing to do except sit around in the middle of fucking nowhere, also known as rural Western Wisconsin.  It’s gonna be a long two weeks.  But enough about me.  Time to break down the tremendous ass-kicking that the Packers put on Tennessee today.

First of all, I want to congratulate the entire team on a spectacular performance.  For the past two months, seemingly every commentator on TV has been talking about how Green Bay has been learning to “win ugly”.  Now up until today I wasn’t entirely sure what the hell they were talking about, because every Packer win looks pretty damn good to me.  After this afternoon though, I think I get it, due to the pure, flawless beauty of the show Rodgers and company put on today.  In all honesty, there are very few things in this world more beautiful than that 20-yard strike that A-Rod fired to Randall Cobb in the first quarter.  And I’ve always maintained that there isn’t a finer sight in sports than a goose egg on your opponent’s side of the scoreboard (I refuse to recognize the Titan’s bullshit garbage-time touchdown at the end).  So bravo, you gorgeous gentlemen, you green and gold supermen, you gods of the gridiron.  Long may you reign over the NFC North.  Expect more 48-point blowouts in week 17 and into the playoffs next month.

Also, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the fact that MASON CROSBY MADE BOTH OF HIS FIELD GOAL ATTEMPTS TODAY!!!!  Thank God.  Hopefully he’s finally getting back some of the confidence that you lose when you miss half of your kicks on the season.  For the past month, every time the Packers crossed the opponents 30-yard line, the broadcast crew doing the game would cut to Crosby on the sidelines, looking like he’s about to shit his pants.  No longer (crossing fingers).

Hey, speaking of guys who should have been fired a long time ago, Joe Buck.  I don’t think I need to elaborate. 

Also, I’d like to apologize for not getting the Picks out before Sunday night.  But let’s be honest here; nobody actually reads them for legitimate football analysis anyways.

CHAMPIONSHIP GAME: I’m thinking RBs (7-6) vs 711 s 9^th st 101C (8-5)

Not sure what’s going on with your team Jared (not sure why anyone would ever want me to post their address in the Chode Picks), but it doesn’t matter.  What does matter is that unless Vernon Davis scores 18 points for you tonight, you just lost the league championship.  So congratulations to the new king of fantasy football, Kevin “Boom” Boerboom.  Despite losing nearly half of your regular season games and barely sneaking into the playoffs, you managed to knock off three very good teams in the past three weeks.  After looking at your roster, how the hell you pulled it off is beyond me.  It hurts my head just thinking about it.  Way to go, champ.  And congratulations on a fine playoff run by our runner-up: Jared Horatio Sawle.

I’m thinking RBs by 9

THIRD PLACE GAME: Stafford Infection (6-7) vs ABC – It’s Easy as RG3 (10-3)

As badly as I want to rub salt in the wound of losing in the semifinals, I’m gonna show some restraint here.  After all, finishing third or fourth out of 12 teams isn’t bad.  So instead I’ll give a shoutout to Calvin Johnson.  Apparently I was wrong about the whole Madden Curse thing.  It’s really astounding how everyone in the stadium knows that the Lions have only one reliable offensive weapon, but he somehow gets open over and over again anyways.  And even after breaking Jerry Rice’s single-season receiving yardage record, he still seems to be improving.  Ridiculous.  But hey, speaking of guys who put the team on their back…

Stafford Infection by 81

FIFTH PLACE GAME: Mondolockdown (10-3) vs Roddy White Suburban (8-5)

I’ll be the first one to point out the obvious: Adrian Peterson is not going to break the rushing record in week 17.  There is absolutely no way that the Packer defense is allowing over 200 yards to a single running back, not even one as talented and motivated as Peterson.  If San Francisco wins tonight and Green Bay decides to rest their starters, he might come close.  But I wouldn’t bet on it.  Especially since the Seahawks are about to take down the Niners and give us every reason to win next week and keep the Vikings out of the playoffs.  In fact, I can’t think of a better way to end the regular season than by knocking Minnesota out and keeping AP out of the record books next Sunday.  Consider it one final “fuck you” from your superior neighbors to the east in 2012.  By the way, wouldn’t it be HILARIOUS if the Vikings or Bears ended up missing the playoffs because of Seattle’s fraudulent victory over the Packers in week 3?  Considering how irritating and smug all of their fans were afterwards, it seems like poetic justice.  Hey, maybe with your extra time in the offseason your teams can swap quarterbacks, so Christian Ponder (can’t hit open receivers) and Jay Cutler (always hits open defensive backs) can find creative ways to suck the life out of new fanbases.  Cross your fingers. 

By the way, Aaron Rodgers’s fiancé is hotter than Ponder’s wife.

Roddy White Suburban by 12

SEVENTH PLACE GAME: Current Black Presidents (8-5) vs Team Beaupre Jared Sucks (7-6)

So aside from the Packers’ total domination today, there was another awesome development in the NFL today when ESPN reported that Tim Tebow will most likely play for the Jaguars next season.  About damn time.  After the Broncos signed Peyton Manning, it was obvious that the best place for Tebow to land was Florida, where he can sell tickets, fill seats and provide an instant upgrade over Blaine Gabbert, but for some reason last summer Rex Ryan felt like he needed to trade for Tebow instead and let one of the league’s most exciting players rot on the bench behind Mark “three turnovers or your money back” Sanchez. So congrats to Tim on escaping the vortex of continual failure that is the New York Jets.  May you lead Jacksonville to unprecedented heights next year, perhaps four or even five wins.  You consistently give me material to write about, and for that Timmy, I thank you.  The Chode Picks haven’t been the same with you on the bench.

NINTH PLACE GAME: Chode’s All Stars (3-10) vs The Nation of Israel Idonije (2-11)

That’s right, motherfuckers.  It’s finally here.  The day I’ve been dreaming about all season.  The one glorious Sunday where I can finally put this season behind me, and better yet, do so by claiming my first-ever (consolation) FANTASY FOOTBALL PLAYOFF CHAMPIONSHIP, WOOOOO!!!!!!  Say what you want about the regular season, just know that I finished the year as a winner.  Special thanks to Colin Kaepernick for helping me salvage my season.  I’d also like to take this moment to announce that I am officially breaking up with my fantasy quarterback of the past two years, Eli Manning.  And we are never, ever, ever getting back together (nope, not linking to that song either).  Eli, I’m deleting your number.  Don’t call me, don’t text me and I don’t care how far you fall in next year’s fantasy draft, I am not taking your sorry ass back again.  Colin is my quarterback now, and we’re very happy together.

Chode’s All Stars by 7

Oh by the way, I won my playoff game in my other league this week too, setting up a rematch with the jackass who beat me last week for another consolation championship.  Time for a little payback.  Double or nothing on the Everclear shot.  Deal?  Deal.

LAST PLACE GAME: No Names vs Red Hot Chodey Peppers

In the spirit of this game, and because I have absolutely nothing to say about it, here’s a list of things that I hate for no particular reason:

-       Country music

-       Christmas music

-       Country Christmas music

-       People who wear sweaters over a dress shirt and tie

-       That color halfway in between blue and purple

-       Dubstep

-       The phrase “epic fail”

-       Hippies

-       People who are intolerant of other people’s cultures

-       The Dutch

That is all.

No Names by 30

Final thoughts before I wrap it up:

-       Seahawks win!!  Green Bay is now in the driver’s seat for a first-round playoff bye.  You know, because that worked out so well for us last season.

-       The biggest reason I’m glad about finals week being over?  I don’t have to see everyone’s stupid, self-pitying Facebook statuses about how unprepared they are for finals.  Nobody feels sorry for you.  Shut up and go study.

-       Considering how well Adrian Peterson and Ricky Rubio have played coming off of ACL surgery, maybe the Twins should go ahead and wreck Joe Mauer’s knee just to be safe.

Ah, screw it.  Merry Christmas.

- Chode Out.

Chode Picks – Week 15

Some things are bigger than sports.  I know we all like to pretend that football games are a life-or-death situation, but every now and then we’re faced with the kind of tragedy that makes us take a step back and re-evaluate what’s really important in life.  These horrific events send shockwaves throughout the country, as we all struggle to deal with the fallout and devastation left behind.  By now you’ve probably gathered that I’m talking about the disaster that struck in Madison, this past week, when Wisconsin defensive coordinator Chris Ash and defensive line coach Charlie Partridge left UW to join Benedict Bret at the University of Arkansas.  It’s difficult for me to even think, much less write about this topic in the wake of the unspeakable carnage that has wracked the Badger coaching staff in the past two weeks, but I feel like I owe it to you, dear readers, to help you get through these difficult times by publishing another edition of the Chode Picks.  First though, I’d like us all to observe a moment of silence for the demise of the Wisconsin coaching tree.

(……………………….)

Thank you.  The Picks must go on.

On a much more positive note, the Green Bay Packers came back from a surprising 14-point deficit against the Detroit Lions last Sunday to improve to 9-4 on the season.  Combined with Chicago’s embarrassing loss to Adrian Peterson last week, this puts the Pack in position to lock up the NFC North title with a win over the suddenly punchless Bears at Soldier Field tomorrow.  I’ll admit that I had my doubts about Green Bay’s chance at winning the division after a dismal 2-3 start to the season, especially when Chicago ran out to a 7-1 start at midseason, but it appears that order and sanity has finally been restored to the NFC North pecking order.  Well, except for the Lions.  I have absolutely no idea what happened to them this year.  Anyways, I probably should have seen this coming, since there was a very good reason that the Bears won 7 out of their first 8 games: sheer, dumb luck.  Seriously.  In the first half of the season, Chicago scored seven defensive touchdowns, and appeared poised to shatter the single-season record of nine.  In the five games since then however, they’ve recorded exactly zero defensive touchdowns and suffered four defeats.  Now I suppose you could make the argument that the Bears’ early defensive scoring was more a product of smart play and talent rather than luck, but then I’d have to counter with the argument that no it wasn’t, and you’re a fucking moron.  Regardless, I don’t expect Chicago to be able to summon up enough good fortune to seriously challenge Rodgers’ crew tomorrow, especially with Clay Matthews back in action.  Ring up another concussion for Jay Cutler.

Packers by 14

CHAMPIONSHIP BRACKET SEMIFINALS:

Stafford Infection (6-7) vs Dalton’s Red Zone (8-5)

Another thing I forgot to mention about the upcoming Packer-Bear game: Jermichael Finley.  More specifically, the stupid things that come out of Jermichael Finley’s mouth.  Earlier this week, the drop-happy tight end claimed that the Bears’ defense was “probably better off without” Brian Urlacher.  You know, the same Brian Urlacher who’s played in eight Pro Bowls (important note: Jermichael has yet to make one Pro Bowl) and acts as the quarterback of Chicago’s defense.  The next day, Urlacher’s teammate Lance Briggs fired back, saying about Finley: “he’s an idiot”.  Well, I never thought I’d write this, but Mr. Briggs, I could not agree with you more.  Normally I’d suggest that the Packers trade Finley for a draft pick, but unfortunately the rest of the league caught on to the fact that his hands turned to stone two years ago.  So Jermichael, if you’re reading this (you’re not), please keep your damn mouth shut until your contract is up and we can all pretend that you were never part of this team.

Sincerely,

Every Single Packer Fan

Dalton’s Red zone by 14

ABC – It’s Easy as RG3 (10-3) vs I’m thinking RBs (7-6)

This is why you don’t rely on a rookie running quarterback to carry your fantasy team.  Because when he gets hurt in week 14 and forces you to throw Philip Rivers into your starting lineup for the fantasy playoffs, you’re all kinds of fucked.  RG3’s injury was the dominant story of the NFL week, even edging out the breaking Adrian Peterson human growth hormone scandal for the top slot on SportsCenter this evening.  America loves this dude.  But if he keeps getting hurt at this pace and never learns to avoid the hard hits, he’ll never fulfill his potential and in all likelihood end up as the next Michael Vick (minus the dog-murdering business).  Regardless, I’m rooting for the Redskins for the rest of the season, because they’re the only team standing between the New York Giants and an NFC East title.  And as I’ve written about before, the Giants scare the piss out of me. 

I’m thinking RBs by 6

Well, it’s 9:16 PM on a Saturday night, I’ve been studying all day, and my roommate just reminded me that if I’m writing the Chode Picks, I’m required to be at least buzzed.  Damn it all.  I was really going to try and stay sober for a two-week period until finals were over, but for the past four nights now my friends have been finding creative ways to fill me with booze instead.  Anyways, since my exams don’t start until Tuesday, and I only need to score 50% or higher on three of them (thank you Past Quilling, for kicking ass on the previous exams), looks like I’m taking a half-hour break to get suitably drunk.  Screw it, I don’t know why I was studying anyways when the world is ending in less than a week.  See you back here in a bit. 

And we’re back!  I feel much better.  Time to write about the part of the fantasy season that absolutely NOBODY cares about, the playoff consolation bracket.  First up…

Mondolockdown (10-3) vs Current Black Presidents (8-5)

First of all, congratulations to Brandon Mondlock for becoming the first #1 seed in league history to lose to the eighth seed in the first round of the playoffs.  Truly an outstanding effort.  I’ll do my best not to rub it in your face next week, but I can’t make any promises.  By the way, that reminds me of another #1 seed that lost a playoff series in the NBA this past summer: the Chicago Bulls.  Oh shit Brandon, you’re a Bulls fan too, aren’t you?  Well, I’ll be damned.  What are the odds?  At this point, I’m sure you’ve grown accustomed to continued disappointment and heartbreak anyways, so it probably came as no surprise when your fantasy title hopes were torn to shreds faster than the ligaments in Derrick Rose’s knee.  Damn, that was a fantastic metaphor.  High five for myself. 

Current Black Presidents by 1

Roddy White Suburban (8-5) vs Team Beaupre Jared Sucks (7-6)

So I’m sitting here writing, listening to my roommates and a couple of friends talk about all of the possible doomsday scenarios that could wipe us off of the face of the Earth on Friday (you know, that whole retarded Mayan apocalypse thing) and I can’t help but be reminded of another ridiculously dumb quote that my close friend Sobe gave me last week, which went as follows.

Sobe: So I found out last night that my friend’s dad was a pro hockey player.

Chode: Oh really?

Sobe: Yeah, he played in the NFC.

Chode: Ummm… the NFC?  You sure?

Sobe: Yeah, the National… wait that’s not it.  The NHC?

Chode: (laughing)

Sobe: Please don’t write about this.

I’m sorry friend.  I really am.  Maybe you shouldn’t talk about sports.  Just sit there and stare at the game on TV with a confused look on your face like most other girls.  Also, I’m blaming our recent spell of shitty weather completely on you.  I don’t know why you were so damn eager for snow to get here for the winter, but I assume you’ve learned your lesson now that we all have to walk to class in the freezing cold with soaking wet feet (especially for us men folk, who apparently aren’t allowed to wear comfortable furred boots without being ridiculed).  As for the rest of you that wanted a white Christmas, I hope you’re happy now, damn it.  That was incredibly short-sighted of you. 

Roddy White Suburban by 4

Instead of breaking down the matchups in our double consolation bracket (in which Nate, Levi, Will and myself are locked in a vicious battle for 9^th place), I’m just going to go ahead and award myself the consolation championship for the season. If any of you other three have a problem with it, let me know in the comments below, and we’ll reconcile it with a cagefight to the death (which by the way, is how I settle most of my arguments).  Also, the 9^th place finish marks the end of my best fantasy football season in three years.  So hooray for me. 

Well, I think I’m gonna have to call it a wrap for this week’s edition.  My apologies to all of you who were expecting a longer version from me this week.  I promise that once my exams are over I’ll be able to put some more time and effort into it  A couple more thoughts before I shut it down:

-       You’re an asshole, Garrison.  I was going to shut my team down for the week and let you win in the other fantasy league, but then I checked on your fantasy team name, and I have henceforth decided that you deserve no such sense of satisfaction or happiness for the rest of the season.  I hope you trip over your gown and fall face-forward off of the stage at graduation tomorrow.  Also, we should put a bet on this matchup before the games start tomorrow.  Loser takes a shot of Everclear.  Deal?  Deal.

-       Congrats to my friends Jon, Caitlin and the jackass mentioned above for graduating this weekend.

-       Build a man a fire and he’s warm for the night.  Set a man on fire and he’s warm for the rest of his life.

-       Sorry, I don’t have a video for you all this week.  Somebody bail me out and post one.

- Chode Out.