Chode Picks – Week 4

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome back to week 4 of the 2012 NFL season, where the rules are made up, and the points don’t matter!  This week, I’m not going to beat around the bush, but rather get into the heinous crime that occurred four nights ago: the Inaccurate Reception.  Senseless in Seattle.  Touception.  The 250 Million-Dollar Missed Call.  GoldenGate.  Replacement Refs Shitting All Over Professional FootballGate.  Whatever you want to call it, there’s no denying that the Green Bay Packers, the very pinnacle of everything that is virtuous and great about the game of football, were bent over by what might go down as the worst play in the history of professional sports.  What makes it worse is that there is only one man responsible for this atrocity.  In fact, I’m not sure if I can even call him a “man” anymore after his continued cowardice and blatant arrogance since Monday.  You know who I’m talking about.  He entered the league not too long ago, with the purpose of sustaining the NFL’s continued prosperity, only to let his greed and hunger for power overshadow America’s true pastime.  He has filled us with promise time and time again, only to let us down at the biggest moments.  I can honestly say that with the exception of Osama Bin Laden, I have never felt more disgust towards one person than I do towards this ugly jackass.  Just hearing his name fills me with rage.  He might truly be the antichrist.  No, not Lance Easley.  Not Golden Tate.  Certainly not M.D. Jennings.  No, the sickening person responsible for tarnishing football with the worst scandal since Penn State is none other than…

Russell Wilson.

Filthy, spineless, spawn of everything wrong in the world, the former Badger quarterback has finally shown his true colors.  We should have known better.  I can’t count the number of times that Russell has deliberately filled the good people of Wisconsin with hope, only to tear us down in the cruelest way imaginable.  I gave him the benefit of the doubt after last year’s Michigan State game.  He sucked me back in after the Big Ten Championship, only to embarrass us in the Rose Bowl once again.  Regardless, I wished him well, and even rooted for him to win the starting job in Seattle over my beloved Matt Flynn.  But now, Russell has done the unforgivable.  He literally STOLE a game from the GREEN BAY PACKERS on MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL, and the dirty bastard DOESN’T EVEN HAVE THE DECENCY TO ADMIT THAT HE THREW A FUCKING INTERCEPTION!!!  Russell Wilson, as of right now, you are dead to me.  You may very well be the worst person in the world.  I hope you never complete a pass for the rest of your career.  And if I ever see you back in Madison, I’m going to shove a baseball bat up your ass and turn you into a popsicle.  You’ve been warned.

So, now that everybody’s pissed off at me, I have a few more thoughts about last week’s disaster:

-       You know it was a terrible call when Viking and Bear fans are admitting that the Packers got hosed

-       Normally I laugh at the idiots who jump to conclusions about games being rigged when their team loses.  But honestly, the fact that the it was the same official who made the bogus pass interference call on Sam Shields, missed the blatant pass interference on Golden Tate, and then signaled for the winning “touchdown”, gives me a little bit of doubt.  Especially since that one call shifted 250 million dollars in Vegas bets.  By the way, his name is Lance Easley, and his phone number is 920-279-2013.  Don’t ask how I got the number, just flame away.  You’re welcome.

-       I hate to say it, but if any city other than Cleveland deserved a break, it was Seattle.  Think about it.  Decades ago, we stole the Seattle Pilots and turned them into the Brewers.  Then we ripped their hearts out in the “we want the ball, we’re going to score” game.  Then the Seahawks got screwed in Super Bowl XL.  Then Seattle’s basketball team moved to Oklahoma City and turned into the most likeable team in the NBA.  Honestly, if the refs had done the right thing and overturned the call on the field, there may have been a full-scale riot.  And it would have been awesome.  Speaking of near-riots…

-       The concerted “BULLSHIT!!” chants at the Patriots-Ravens game were glorious.  Well done, Baltimore.

Anyways, last Monday’s game was only part of what ended up being a disastrous week for me.  Normally I don’t like to tell you all about the shitty things that happen to me, since I don’t want to sound like a whiny bitch, but after all of my gloating and self-promotion over the past few years, I think you might get some pleasure out of hearing about my shitty week.  First of all on Sunday night, I played my first flag football game of the season, which was going spectacularly until I attempted to grab the flag of a guy on the other team at the same moment he decided to see if his head could fit inside my mouth.  To make a painful story short, his forehead ended up knocking two of my upper teeth out of place and left me spitting up mouthfuls of blood for a solid half-hour.  Luckily, I was able to get some gauze from the trainer and push my teeth back into place (yes, it hurt like a motherfucker) and went to see a dentist on Tuesday.  Unfortunately, he informed me that I’m probably looking at a double root canal to remove two damaged nerves in a couple of weeks.  Hooray.  The next day, I was riding my bike back from class (after my moped died the week before, taking away my only motorized transportation to class two miles away) when my handlebars decided to break free from the frame of my bike just as I was cutting across traffic.  Needless to say, I ate shit on the pavement in front of an oncoming car as my bike landed on my legs.  Fortunately, my knees and hands broke my fall, and I walked away with only a few minor scrapes and bruises (thank God that guy driving the Prius was alert enough to slam on his brakes), along with a healthy dose of embarrassment and a newfound sense of my own mortality.  Combined with the Monday Night Football travesty and the fact that our first block of exams starts in two days, it’s made for a fairly awful seven-day stretch.  Also, my headphones broke today as I started writing this and I’m fairly certain the Badgers are going to get their asses handed to them tomorrow night in Nebraska.  

All of this however, pales in comparison to the sheer terror I felt four days ago when CBS News reported that a global bacon shortage is “unavoidable”.  Good Lord, that’s terrifying.  What the hell did I do to deserve this!?  I think we can all agree that a world without Saturday Stacon would be a very, very depressing place, and if there’s one thing I’m damn sure of it’s that I AM NOT GOING TO EAT TURKEY BACON!  So to be safe, I went out and bought five pounds of bacon today.  Perhaps God is finally getting even with me for an entire summer worth of laziness and debauchery on my part.  So forgive me if I sound a little bitter this week.  Anyways, enough bitching.  Time for the picks.

Chode’s All Stars (1-2) vs Red Hot Chodey Peppers (0-3)

Yeah that’s right, Nate.  How does it feel to be looking up at me in the standings after three solid seasons of success?  Not good, I hope.  On my part, this must be what it feels like to be a Viking fan.  A glimmer of hope, with the certain knowledge that it can’t last for long.  Just for the sake of my continued relative sanity, let’s hope it does anyways.

Chode’s All Stars by 23

I’m a little Cuntler (0-3) vs Stafford Infection (2-1)

Congratulations, Kenne.  For the first time in the history of the Chode Picks, you made me think about censoring somebody’s team name for a brief second.  I’m really not sure what it is about the letters c, u, n, and t in succession that makes them so offensive.  Then again, I’m also not sure what it is about Jay Cutler’s face that makes me want to beat him with a sock full of batteries, so I guess it’s all fair.  With that said, there’s no way I can pick you to win until Finley proves to me that his hands aren’t actually made of stone.  Come on Jermichael, get it together.  And fire your agent, too.

Stafford Infection by 11

Mondolockdown (3-0) vs Team Beaupre Jared Sucks (1-2)

Can somebody explain to me what the hell happened to Peyton Manning?  In week 1 against the Steelers, he looked like his usual Pro-Bowl self, but ever since then he’s looked like a slower, older, uglier version of Danny O’Brien.  He’s missing open recievers, making poor reads, and can’t throw further than 40 yards anymore.  If he doesn’t improve and the Broncos end up missing the playoffs this year, Denver fans are going to be raging pissed that Elway got rid of Tim Tebow, and rightly so.  Anyways, I’m picking Team Beaupre this week because I refuse to be part of a league in which Mondlock is 4-0. 

Team Beaupre Jared Sucks by 18

Forgetting Brandon Marshall (1-2) vs ABC – It’s Easy as RG3 (2-1)

HAHA!!  GRIFFIN LOSES AGAIN!!  I’m not going to say “I told you so”, because that would be condescending and unnecessary, but I may have warned you once or twice.  It won’t be long before Redskin fans develop a disgust reflex to the mere mention of his name, the same way Viking fans do when you say “Gary Anderson”, or the same way I do when I walk into my bathroom (it reeks of vomit right now, and I have absolutely no idea why.  I haven’t thrown up since my infamous graduation bender, and really I doubt that somebody broke in last night, threw up and left.  Really not sure why I’m sharing this with you all, but you’re welcome.  Gary Anderson).

Forgetting Brandon Marshall by 1

Moore is Less (1-2) vs No Names (2-1)

Oh, come on Will.  It’s week 4 and you’re already starting 5 injured guys and one with a bye week.  Act like you care a little.  This isn’t fun.  Also, I forgot to mention this earlier, but if anyone is heading from Madison to Oshkosh next weekend, let me know.  I need a ride.

No Names by 807

I Plaxidentally Shot Myself (3-0) vs I’m Thinking RBs (2-1)

If I cared about golf, I’d probably tell you about the USA taking a commanding lead in the Ryder Cup this afternoon, but I don’t, so that’s the last I’m going to say about it.  Also, it’s being held in Illinois, so I don’t know if it officially counts for anything.  And if I cared about this fantasy football matchup, I’d probably tell you that Dan is going to lose because he’s down in Baja Wisconsin, watching Phil Mickelson and furiously masturbating.

I’m Thinking RBs by 6

Happy Oktoberfest to all of you who made it to LaCrosse this weekend.  I was planning on attending the festivities this year, until I realized that exams started the following Monday.  Maybe next year.  I’ve been told that Oktoberfest is to Lacrosse as Halloween or Mifflin is to Madison.  Honestly, I have a hard time believing that, because everyone knows that whatever another UW school can do, UW-Madison does ten times better.  Did I mention that Halloween is just over a month away? 

Well, the Big Ten football season is finally upon us, and it couldn’t have come at a better time.  Saying that the Big Ten did poorly in the nonconference schedule would be like saying that France did poorly in World War II.  The list of embarrassing losses for Big Ten teams stretches longer than the line of people who expected me to make a joke about my penis size here.  Personally, I think the decline of Big Ten football can be traced back to the sad fact that we’re the only BCS conference that still puts some emphasis on the “student” part of “student-athlete”.  Come on Jim Delany, time to loosen it up a bit.  We all know Montee Ball and Braxton Miller aren’t going to make a living with a com-arts degree anyways.

Just two more thoughts before I close up shop this week:

-       I have a feeling that I’m REALLY not going to like Andrew Maxwell for the next four years

-       This week’s video is dedicated to me, since I spent two or three precious hours writing when I should have been studying.

- Chode Out.

Chode Picks – Week 3

They said we couldn’t do it. They said we were past our prime, washed up and might as well tear up the blueprint to start over. The sportswriters, media talking heads and even most fans could all agree on one thing: we were finished. No Leaders Division championship, no Big Ten title, and certainly no Rose Bowl. Boos rained down upon the famed Camp Randall turf, foreshadowing a return to the mediocrity that plagued Wisconsin in years past. The Badger football team, down 14-3 at halftime to the mighty Aggies of Utah State, were all but left for dead. Inside the Wisconsin locker room, 120 men were faced with a choice: either accept their fate as the team that brought UW back down to earth, or turn down the suck, turn up the awesome and come out and kick some Western Athletic Conference ass. The rest is history. 
I’m sure you all watched as freshman quarterback Joel Stave and sophomore receiver Kenzel Doe rallied the Badgers to a momentous victory over the vaunted Aggies, so I’ll spare you the recap of the second half, except for the final few seconds, as Utah State kicker Josh Thompson wilted under the pressure of attempting to hand Wisconsin their first home loss since 2008. After the miss, the majority of the crowd let out a huge sigh of relief, gave a few quick “Let’s get drunk!” chants, and hustled their asses out of the stadium. However, if you were watching carefully, you may have been able to see one drunken asshole at the top of section L screaming like a maniac and frantically high-fiving any other remaining fans without shame.

Chode: WE DID IT!!! WE BEAT UTAH STATE!!!!!
Less drunk fan: uh, congrats?
Chode: NOBODY BELIEVED IN US!!!
Asshole McBuzzkill: You can’t be serious
Chode: BRING ON UTEP!!!
Security guard: What the hell’s your problem kid?
Chode: I DON’T KNOW HOW MANY MORE TIMES I’LL GET TO DO THIS!!

Regardless, I am determined not to let the collective pessimism of BadgerNation ruin my football season. As of right now, we’re 2-1, we’ve got one of the best players in the country in Montee Ball, and the Big Ten opener is still over a week away. No reason to panic, there will be plenty of time for that later. Also, I’d like to thank our fine offensive line for turning UW’s preseason slogan, “This fall belongs to Ball” into a complete joke. Thanks guys. I propose we change it to something more fitting like, “This road belongs to Chode” (it’s really a shame that there aren’t more words that rhyme with Chode). Anyways, we should be in for one hell of a game tomorrow against the UTEP Miners, so make sure you drag yourself out of bed in time for kickoff. As always, there will be a plentiful supply of beer, Stacon and Q-Bombs at 1206 Bowen. By the way, this week’s edition of the Chode Picks is brought to you by Shock Top Belgian White. I don’t often drink good beer, but when I do, I prefer it to be leftover from the 40-year olds that tailgate in my backyard. Much appreciated.

Chode’s All Stars (1-1) vs Stafford Infection (1-1)

That’s more like it, Eli. He might be the most unathletic player in the NFL, but there are some days when I forget that I’m watching the “inferior” Manning. He’s almost been good enough to distract me from the depressing reality that both of my starting RBs are injured. I guess that’s what I get for drafting Matt Forte. I won’t say that I wasn’t warned. Never underestimate the futility of Chicago sports teams. By the way, I’m calling dibs on Andre Brown. Nobody else can pick him up. I’m serious. Don’t test me.

Chode’s All Stars by 400

Team Beaupre Jared Sucks (0-2) vs Star Performer (0-2)

Stop the presses! Mike Beaupre is 0-2!! Over the past five years, there have been precious few weeks that ended with Team Beaupre looking up at Chode’s All Stars in the league standings, and frankly I don’t expect it to last much longer, so I might as well savor it while I can. Personally, I think he’s suffering from what I like to call “married athlete syndrome”. I can’t count the number of superstar athletes in my short lifetime that have gotten hitched and seen their production fall off of a cliff. Tiger Woods, Tom Brady, Chad Johnson, Rory McIlroy, Caroline Wozniak, Chris Bosh… the list goes on. I really think I’m on to something here. Wait… shit. LeBron got engaged this offseason. Son of a bitch. Let’s hope Aaron Rodgers stays single forever. Also Kenne, you spelled “Starr” wrong.

Star Performer by 15

ABC – It’s Easy as RG3 (2-0) vs Mondolockdown (2-0)

I tried to tell you about Griffin. You didn’t listen. The truth is, he’s just not an NFL-ready quarterback yet. Until he learns how to be a pocket passer and make plays with his arm instead of his feet, the Redskins will remain shitty. It’s that simple. He’s a lesser version of Scam Newton, and you saw what happened to Carolina last night. To make matters worse, Griffin is already bitching about getting hit too much. Best case scenario is he turns into a homeless man’s Mike Vick (minus the dogfighting), and worst case scenario is he turns into Jay Cutler with dreadlocks. Either way, it’s not going to be pretty. Anyways, in what world does it make sense that Mondolockdown is 2-0? Maybe the Mayans were right.

Mondolockdown by 17

No Names (1-1) vs Red Hot Chodey Peppers (0-2)

Apparently I was right. Levi legitimately didn’t know that he was in our league until a few days ago. Just goes to show you that the less you know about fantasy football, the better off you are. Either that or he was too busy taking his talents to South Beach to pay attention. Regardless Joo, I’m going to get more and more bitter as it gets colder up here in Wisconsin. It was awful nice of your Vikings to let Andrew Luck get his first win last week. And don’t give me any shit about the Gophers being 3-0. I refuse to acknowledge them as a real football team until they win at least one of their four “rivalry” games. The Axe stays here, for now and forever. Anyways, Nate is due for a win.

Red Hot Chodey Peppers by 3

I’m thinking RBs (1-1) vs Forgetting Brandon Marshall (1-1)

I’m really not all that excited about this matchup, so I’m just gonna skip it and write about the Packers-Seahawks Monday night game instead. In case you were trapped under a rock last week, Russell Wilson guided Seattle to his first career NFL win over Dallas. It was a moment that made us here in Madison feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Like watching one of your children learn to walk, or something like that. In fact, I think I’m naming my first kid (boy or girl) Russell Wilson Quilling. Has a nice ring to it. However, despite my gigantic man-crush, this week poor Russell is playing against a legitimate contender, and I fully expect Clay Matthews to plant Wilson’s charismatic ass into the turf at Qwest Field. Bill Simmons even picked the Seahawks to win, and if you’ve learned anything from the Chode Picks, it should be that Bill Simmons is never right about anything. Ever. 

Forgetting Brandon Marshall by 19
Packers by 20

I Plaxidentally Shot Myself (2-0) vs Moore is Less (1-1)

Hockey. That’s what I wanted to get to next. The most uninteresting major sport in America. Unless you’re Canadian or even worse, Minnesotan, you might not have heard that the NHL lockout has officially overlapped with the start of the regular season. It’s beautiful. The state to our immediate west finally got their shit together and signed a couple of superstars (Zach Parise and Ryan Suter), only to see their chance at contending for a real man-sports championship sail wide right like a Gary Anderson field goal. Friends, it’s probably best just to face the truth at this point: God does not want you to be successful. Time to throw in the towel and go buy a cheesehead. You’ll thank yourself later.

I Plaxidentally Shot Myself by 4

Time for the latest on the premier sporting occasion of the fall, the 2012 Dean’s Cup. After opening up a 38-point lead on those J.D. a-holes through half of the events, we split the past four, despite the fact that I was too hungover to make it to volleyball, flag football or the 5k run. At this point, we’d have to lose just about every remaining competition for the lawyers to have a reasonable chance at catching up. Not happening. In a related story, I feel like I should apologize to you all for the Chode Picks so far this year. The sad truth is, I simply don’t have enough free time to write seven pages a week like I did during the summer. There’s just too much damn schoolwork to be done, and unfortunately, I don’t see myself making a living as a writer. The only alternative would be skipping Badger or Packer games, and you sure as hell know that’s not happening. All in all though, it’s been a pretty good life since school started, since most of my classmates are pretty cool (surprisingly athletic too), and school actually poses a challenge for once, which is strangely refreshing. The best part of all though, is the reaction I get from people at bars when they ask what I’m going to school for. Apparently “society” has the perception that you can’t stay out until barclose on a weekday, drink all day on Saturday and still go to school to become a doctor. The truth is, most of the older med students I talk to tell me that they wish they had partied more during their first year while they had the chance. Trust me when I say that I will not have the same regret. One of my favorite things to do now when I meet strangers is to tell them I’m in med school, and then find the stupidest, most ridiculous thing I can say without them calling bullshit. So far, the best two I’ve had are “I never learned to read analog clocks” and “I can never remember if my birthday is on the 18th or 19th.” This should be a warning to all of you not to ask me about your health problems. At this point, I don’t know shit, and I’m going to tell you something retarded. Anyways, it’s completely possible to drink three nights a week in med school, as long as you’re like me, a blistering hurricane of efficiency for the other four days. Also, I’ve noticed that saying “I’m in med school” is a hell of a lot more effective than saying “I’m pre-med” when it comes to picking up girls. Just don’t abuse it, otherwise you come across as a douchebag. 
With that said, next weekend is the weekend before our first block of exams, so I imagine that the Chode Picks will be shorter. Sorry in advance.

Before we call it a wrap this week, I’d just like to say that the idea of trusting the Badger offense to a 19-year old kid had me scared to death, up until last night, when I found this video. Enjoy.

- Chode Out.

Chode Picks - Week 2

“If it was easy, everyone would do it.” Yes, that’s right, I’m starting this week’s edition of the Chode Picks off with a cheesy quote first attributed to the great Robert E. Lichty. Believe it or not, I’m actually not referring to the difficulty of filling up five pages of bullshit for the Chode Picks every week, or even the formidable task of memorizing a bazillion pages of notes for every exam in med school. Nope, I’m talking about the grueling journey that most of us began sometime between the ages of 8 and 12 years old: life as a Wisconsin sports fan. This cruel reality hit me smack in the face last weekend in between watching the Badger football team muster an entire seven points against mighty Oregon State and seeing the vaunted Packer offense stifled against Jim Harbaugh’s thugs on the sacred turf of Lambeau Field. It’s weekends like those that make me wonder why I spend so many of my waking hours following teams that have let me down time and time again. For those of you with inferior sports loyalties to the Vikings and Bears, you have no idea what it’s like to carry this burden. Each and every NFC North title, Big Ten Championship and Super Bowl victory contributes to the collective weight that we, as Wisconsinites must bear. You Minnesotans, in particular, have never been forced to carry the burden of success like we have. Heavy is the head that wears the crown. Now, with that said, all of you Packer-haters can kiss my toned, muscular ass now that we’ve righted the ship after dispatching of Jay Cutler and the Bears. I don’t care if the Vikings go on to beat the Colts and take a brief, 2-0 lead in the NFC North, because we all know that eventually they’ll break down like Adrian Peterson’s knees. After two games against playoff-caliber teams, 1-1 isn’t a bad place to be. In summary, I’m not concerned about my Packers. Not at all. On the other hand…

I am VERY concerned about the Wisconsin Badgers. More specifically, I’m worried about our offensive line. For decades, the Wisconsin O-line has been one of the best units in the nation, producing 1000-yard rushers and NFL left tackles like nobody’s business. However, after watching them crumble like cellophane against two subpar defensive teams, you’ve got to wonder if the hogs up front have it in them this year, or if they just REALLY don’t like Danny O’Brien (my money is on the latter, which is why I’ll be screaming for Curt Phillips on Saturday at Camp Randall). After the game I decided on my usual coping strategy, drinking until I could convince myself that we lost to Oregon by three rather than Oregon State. Anyways, as long as they can find some semblance of continuity before Big Ten play starts in two weeks, we’ll still be in good shape to win the Leaders Division and make another trip to Indy this year. Look on the bright side, at least we didn’t lose to Iowa State for the second year in a row (amirite, Hawkeye fans? muhahahaha). Also, I’d like to congratulate the Badgers on extending their historic streak of 174 games without being shut out. Hold your head high, you miserable, disappointing bastards. God, I miss Russell Wilson. 

To cap things off last weekend, I lost in both of my fantasy leagues. It doesn’t get much worse than that. I blame Victor Cruz for dropping seemingly every damn ball that Eli Manning slung his way against the Cowboys, as well as Denarius Moore for sitting out against the Chargers. What a bitch. 

Chode’s All Stars (0-1) vs Fit Wrap Miss (0-1)

Since I already told you about my fantasy woes above, I want to spend a little bit more time on this Packer-Bear game. Two days before the game kicked off, Jay “Cheeks” Cutler told the Packer secondary to quote “bring it on”. Big words from who we already know is a not-so-big man. If you remember last season, he had a similar quote after throwing four interceptions to DeAngelo Hall of the Redskins: “If I could do it again, I’d throw it at him every time”. This guy is ridiculous. His confidence-to-ability ratio is reminiscent of Ryan Leaf. And his accuracy isn’t too far off either. Congratulations Jay, you’ve taken the early lead for Chode’s “Douche of the Year” award. Also, I’d like to salute Kenne for his fantasy team name this week. If my memory serves correctly “Fit, Wrap, Miss” is a perfect description of Kenne’s high school tackling technique.

Chode’s All Stars by 23

Team Beaupre Jared Sucks (0-1) vs ABC – It’s Easy as RG3

Do my eyes deceive me, or did Mike Beaupre, stalwart of fantasy football success, actually lose his first game of the season? Hooray. It’s about damn time. As for you Dave, if you’re expecting me to eat my words about Griffin’s extensive suckitude, keep looking. Anyone can look like a superstar against a creampuff like the (searching…) oh shit, it was the Saints. Damn it. Well fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on you again, jackass.

Team Beaupre Jared Sucks by 8

My roommate just made me home made granola. It’s delicious. Unfortunately, it’s made from “organic” ingredients, so if I don’t eat it all right now it’ll probably grow mold and infect my room with hippie stank. I feel dirty eating it.

Stafford Infection (0-1) vs No Names (1-0)

First of all, congratulations to Joo for managing to steal a win from me in week 1. Just know that if I wouldn’t have been an idiot and started Denarius Moore, I would’ve beaten you like my ex-wife. Also Eric, I like the new look for your team. Unfortunately, your entire team played like they were suffering from a Stafford Infection last week, and now you’re halfway to 0-2. 

No Names by 7

Mondolockdown (1-0) vs I’m thinking RBs (1-0)

Since I don’t really care much about this matchup, I’m just gonna go ahead and write about the most overblown college football story of the past week: Notre Dame’s move to the ACC. Honestly, I hate to contribute to the Irish hype machine, since it really irritates me when I have to wade through a million bullshit articles every fall claiming that this is the year Notre Dame returns to prominence. Bitch, please. I’m only going to say this once, so listen up: NOTRE DAME IS NOT GOING TO MATTER THIS SEASON!! Although next year they might be able to make some noise in the ACC, since trying to find mediocre teams to beat in the ACC is like trying to pick out a stripper with low self-esteem.

I’m thinking RBs by forty thousand

Red Hot Chodey Peppers (0-1) vs I Plaxidentally Shot Myself (1-0)

I forgot to mention this earlier, but congratulations to myself for successfully managing to jinx four major sports teams last week. After I endorsed the Packers, Badgers, Arkansas Razorbacks and Oklahoma State Cowboys, all four teams went on to suffer embarrassing losses within 48 hours. Perhaps the most humiliating defeat of all belonged to 7th-ranked Arkansas, who paid an unranked FCS team from Louisiana-Monroe to come beat their asses at home. Call it the curse of the Chode. Maybe I should stick to picking basketball and soccer. 

Red Hot Chodey Peppers by 12

Forgetting Brandon Marshall (1-0) vs Moore is Less (0-1)

Forgetting Brandon Marshall: exactly what the rest of the NFC should do after his disappearing act in tonight’s loss to Green Bay. It seems like every year the Bears make a big free agent acquisition that’s supposedly going to put them over the top. It’s been almost a decade, and we’re still waiting. And no, I don’t care that Matt Forte got hurt. I’d rather lose a player in fantasy and get a Packer win any day. By the way, Cutler’s QB rating tonight was 28.2. If a quarterback drops back and fires every pass straight into the ground, he gets a rating of 36.3. Congratulations Jay, another fantastic outing against Green Bay. Now eat your stupid, bitter words.

Moore is Less by 6

By the way, I’d like to let you all know that I wrote this entire edition BEFORE the Packer-Bear game (Except for Cutler’s QB rating, of course. Couldn’t have seen those coming). That’s how confident I was in a Packer victory tonight. Sucks to suck, Chicago. Also, that fake field goal was awesome. Score one for McCarthy.

Dean’s Cup update! After our Frisbee dominance last Saturday, the med students went on to sweep the law dickheads in tennis, dodgeball and tug-of-war this week. We’re now up by approximately 40 points, and with only a quarter of the events in the books, it doesn’t look like the lawyers have the balls to close the gap on us. They’re rapidly proving that not only are we smarter and more likely to get jobs after graduation, but we’re more athletic as well.

ESPN’s Ultimate Franchise Rankings came out last week, and I’ll let you guess who the top-ranked NFL team was. Yup. Green Bay was ranked #2 overall behind the Oklahoma City Thunder, which makes absolutely no sense, considering the Thunder have been in the NBA for less than half a decade, and their greatest accomplishment in franchise history was losing to the Miami Heat in the Finals this past June. Ridiculous. Also, it’s worth noting that none of the four Minnesota franchises (Vikings, Twins, T-Wolves, Wild) cracked the top 80.

No hilarious new video for you this week, sorry. Just one of the classics.

If you’re in Madison this Saturday, stop by 1206 Bowen for some kegball and stacon before the game against Utah State. Kickoff is at 7:00 PM, so we’ve got plenty of time for fun and games beforehand.

How many interceptions did Cutler throw tonight? Not one, not two, not three…

The Bears still suck.

- Chode Out.

Chode Picks - Week 1

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, friends, enemies and my fellow Americans, welcome to the extraordinary, unprecedented SEVENTH season of the Chode Picks!!! It’s been one hell of an offseason, but since most of you (hopefully) stuck it through all of my ranting about basketball and the Olympics, I actually don’t have a whole lot of new sporting events to run through, so with one exception, I’ll skip over the bullshit and get to the goods. 

Naturally, I want to write about the second-most shocking sports story of the year, only behind the Penn State rape scandal: Lance Armstrong quitting the fight against his doping allegations. To be honest, the fact that Armstrong probably cheated isn’t all that surprising, the shocking part is that he’s giving up the fight, considering that the words “quit” and “Lance Armstrong” don’t belong in the same sentence. Thank you, USADA, for tainting the most inspiring athlete of my lifetime. For the record, I really don’t give a damn if Lance doped himself before races, for two important reasons. First, it’s become pretty obvious by now that competitive cycling is the most corrupt sport on the planet. If my math is correct (and it might not be, I’m pretty buzzed right now and don’t feel like double-checking), 14 of the past 17 Tour de France winners were later stripped of their titles. So who really gives a damn if Lance was cheating along with the rest of them? The second and more important reason is that Lance Armstrong has probably done more for the advancement of cancer research than anyone in the history of the world. If he had to cheat his way to a few cycling titles to do it, that’s fine with me. The ends justify the means. End rant.

Since it’s been at least a month since we last met, I feel like I need to update you all on the new developments in my life, since you all care so much. About a month ago the Chode relocated from my longtime home on Fahrenbrook Court to a few blocks further south of campus. More importantly, I moved in with two girls (from this point on I’ll refer to us as “The Three Best Friends”) It’s been working out pretty well, despite their ridiculous insistence that I need to start doing things like “wearing clothes”, “washing dishes instead of using a million styrofoam plates”, and “cooking real food” (even though anybody with just a little bit of brainpower knows that if you can’t make it on a Pizzaz pizza oven then ITS NOT WORTH EATING!). Regardless, there are a few things I’ve learned that come with the territory when you start living with girls.
- Your house is much cleaner and smells nicer
- There’s usually less beer in your fridge
- When you walk home from the bars with your roommates, everyone thinks you’re a stud (which I totally am, ladies)
- They’re much smaller and scare easily

More importantly, convinced the DirecTV guy to include NFL Sunday Ticket in our TV package, which is going to make my fantasy team even more unstoppable this year. So when your team gets stomped by Chode’s All Stars, direct your complaints to her. On to football.

Congratulations to the Wisconsin football team, who set a school record with their 16th consecutive home victory by eking out a 5-point win over powerhouse Northern Iowa last weekend. I’m not going to lie, I was a little worried after watching our offensive line get manhandled by a bunch of FCS scrubs, but luckily Bielema and Alvarez had the foresight to schedule three more games against nonconference creampuffs to help the team get their collective shit together. On a more positive note, at least we weren’t dumb enough to think we could play with the best team in the country in their own backyard (here’s to you, Michigan!). Anyways, as long as we’re on the topic of college football, I’d like to try something different this year. In past seasons of the Chode Picks, I’ve usually waited until December to make my college bowl predictions, but considering my recent streak of brilliance in predicting sporting events, I think I’ll just go ahead and tell you all who’s going to be playing in the BCS bowls right now. In order of least important to most important:

ORANGE BOWL: FLORIDA STATE SEMINOLES vs ARKANSAS RAZORBACKS

Yeah, I think this is the year that FSU finally plays up to their talent level and wins the ACC. In the immortal words of Lebron James, “It’s about damn time”. It seems like a ritual of the fall every year when the ‘Noles start the year in the top 10 only to suffer a few embarrassing losses and end up in a second-tier bowl game. Considering how laughably easy their schedule is this year though, I think they can manage to get by with just one loss. Should be enough to put them in position to get Sandusky’d by the third-best team in the SEC.

FIESTA BOWL: WEST VIRGINIA MOUNTANEERS vs NEBRASKA CORNHUSKERS

Quick note: I don’t think Nebraska will make it to the Big Ten Championship game this year. However, taking second in their division should be enough to vault them past the loser of the championship game for an at-large bid, just like Michigan last year. Also, congratulations to West Virginia on claiming the Princeton Review’s #1 party school ranking for 2012. I’ve never been to Morgantown, WV, but I imagine it’s probably a lot like Madison, only smaller with more inbreeding and fewer teeth.

SUGAR BOWL: LSU TIGERS vs OKLAHOMA STATE COWBOYS

First of, congrats to the Cowboys on their glorious, 84-0 victory over Savannah State last Saturday. You sure showed those cocky Division 1-AA assholes! Stay classy, Mike Gundy. You might have noticed that I’ve already put two SEC teams in the BCS, and we haven’t even gotten to Alabama yet. Yes, it pains me to admit this, but the Southeastern Conference really is that much better than the rest of college football. As much as I despise Nick Saban and all of the arrogant SEC fans (believe it or not, I was actually CHEERING FOR MICHIGAN last Saturday), they’re right. In fact, I think there’s only one team with the balls to put an end to the SEC’s reign of terror, and I think most of you are going to be pretty pissed when you find out who in the next paragraph.

BCS NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP GAME: ALABAMA CRIMSON TIDE vs OREGON DUCKS

Yup. Before you punch your computer screen, let me explain. For a very long time, I have held a deep admiration for Oregon football. I love their lightning-fast style of play, I respect their players for being honest enough to publicly admit that they all smoke pot, and honestly, they’re just fun as hell to watch. And yes, for a few months after New Years Day 2012, my admiration turned into a deep, seething hatred due to events that I’m not comfortable discussing at this time, but I think with the start of a new season, I’m ready to forgive them and move on. Also, I found this video last week, and I could not stop laughing (you're damn right I learned how to use hyperlinks). Don’t get me wrong, if we end up playing them in Pasadena again, I’ll flip the hate switch right back on, but for now, Go Duc..(cough). Ahem. Go Du..(ack!). Whoops. Maybe not just yet. I’ll give it some time.

ROSE BOWL GAME PRESENTED BY VIZIO: WISCONSIN BADGERS VS USC TROJANS

Son of a bitch. We have to win one eventually, right?

Okay, enough bullshit. Let’s get to the main course, fantasy football. First of all, I’d like to congratulate the winner of the 2012 Sorry For Partying league draft, me. Take a look at my team. It’s magnificent. Truly a work of art. I pity the fools who cross my path this year. Finally, after six seasons of disappointment, Chode’s All Stars are poised to take home the league championship. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Chode’s All Stars (0-0) vs No Names(0-0)

Its fitting that I’m starting my title run against my oldest rival, Levi “eye of the Joo” Hartz. To be completely honest though, our once-intense rivalry has lost some of its luster in recent years, mainly due to his incompetence as a team owner. Come on Joo, pull it together for old time’s sake. I could use a challenge. Not this week though. In Jimmy Graham we trust.

Chode’s All Stars by 14

ABC – Its Easy as RG3 (0-0) vs Duck Hunter (0-0)

First of all, congratulations to Commissioner Kenne for missing his own fantasy draft last week. Your dedication knows no boundaries. Somehow though, you ended up with a pretty damn good team, which is more than I can say for Dave. Listen up Radcliffe, because I’m only going to say this once: “ROBERT GRIFFIN IS NOT A LEGITIMATE STARTING FANTASY QUARTERBACK!” Good Lord. Winning this league is going to be even easier than I thought.

Duck Hunter by 10

I’m thinking RB’s (0-0) vs Team Beaupre Go Pack Go (0-0)

Damn it, Boom. You know I can’t pick you after you heartlessly stole Russell Wilson from me in the draft. Unforgivable. Anyways, I know I might be a little late to join the bandwagon, but between Wilson, Matt Flynn and Darrell Bevell on the Seahawks’ staff, I can’t help but root for them this year. Despite only spending one year in Madison, Russell is probably one of my favorite Badgers of all-time. His leadership and charisma remind me of Tim Tebow, only if Tebow could actually throw an accurate pass. Between the Thunder losing in the NBA Finals and Wilson’s arrival, things might actually be looking up in Seattle.

Team Beaupre Go Pack Go by eight hundred

I Plaxidentally Shot Myself (0-0) vs Its on like Ndamukong (0-0)

Wow. Color me shocked that Eric didn’t manage to get either Matt Stafford or Calvin “Madden Curse” Johnson on his roster. I’m really not sure if he knows he’s still in the league. Somebody should probably give him a heads-up. Other than that, both of these teams look pretty damn good. Except we all know Vick is going to miss at least three games. And we all (should) know that there’s no way Cam Newton can rush for 8 touchdowns again this season. I’m expecting a pretty big sophomore slump from Cam. You heard it here first.

I Plaxidentally Shot Myself by 5

Moore is Less (0-0) vs Mondolockdown (0-0)

Monster matchup here. (Announcer voice): In the red corner, we have Brandon Mondlock, who finished with two wins last season and hasn’t updated his fantasy team in approximately three years!! And in the blue corner, we have Will Brydon, the only man to finish in the bottom third of the league every year of its existence, and who is a confirmed Bear fan!! LETS GET READY TO RUUUUUUUMMMMBLLLLEEEE!!!!! Ah, what the hell. I’m flipping a coin.

Moore is Less by $0.25

Boobs (0-0) vs Red Hot Chodey Peppers (0-0)

Touche, Nate. Truly a brilliant fantasy team name. A nod to one of my favorite bands that also strokes my ego. It almost makes me want to acknowledge your league “championship” last season. Almost. Maybe if you trade me Greg Jennings we’ll get there. Anyways, you’re probably going to win again this week, because that’s what you do, you jackass.

Red Hot Chodey Peppers by 13

Chode Sports Update!! Today was the start of the Dean’s Cup competition between the UW Med School and Law Schools. The Dean’s Cup is an annual tradition of sporting events between UW’s future doctors and lawyers, designed to promote camaraderie and good sportsmanship while allowing the good people of the med school to assert their dominance over those scumbag ambulance chasers from the start. Anyways, the first event today was Ultimate Frisbee, which some genius decided to schedule at the ungodly early hour of 10:00AM. Luckily, I managed to roll out of bed at 9:45 this morning and drag my still-drunk ass to the fields for the game. Despite my less-than-perfect condition, we beat the holy hell out of the bloodsuckers, racing out to a 6-0 lead before letting up and coasting to a 9-2 victory. Don’t let the final score fool you, this was a true dismantling. Like, an Alabama over Michigan style beat down. Score one for the good guys.

Before we call it a wrap this week, I’d like to invite all of you in Madison to come pregame at the casa de Chode before Badger games this year. The Three Best Friends threw our first pregame fiesta this past Saturday, and it was outstanding. I probably underestimated how much fun it would be living in the epicenter of the Wisconsin Gameday experience, but now I think I’m starting to appreciate it. Also, if you show up and willingly admit to reading the Chode Picks, I’ll hook you up with some free Stacon. What the hell is Stacon? Well, I’m glad you asked. Stacon is possibly the most delicious food ever conceived by man. Stacon covers the entire food pyramid, and then some. On the eighth day, God created Stacon and passed it down to Chode to bless the gracious citizens of BadgerNation. In short, Stacon is bacon fried with steak seasoning. And it’s motherfucking delicious. Unless you’re a vegetarian. And in that case, you can lick my taint.
Stacon and Q-Bombs: the breakfast of champions.

- Chode Out.