Chode Picks – Week 13

Hello again friends, and welcome to a somewhat depressing, half-sober edition of the Chode Picks!  It’s currently Friday night in Madison, Wisconsin, and despite the forthcoming Badger game against Penn Rape (whoops, Penn State), it’s a very subdued crowd in the Badger State.  Why, you ask?  Well, you already know why, but here goes anyways…

GREEN BAY PACKERS (5-6-1) at DETROIT LIONS (7-4)

Well, shit.  Good season everyone.  I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving, because it’s a small consolation to the fact that the Green Bay Packers turned in one of the worst performances I’ve ever seen in the NFL on Thursday.  Adding insult to injury, it appears that this will be the first time in a while that I won’t be writing the Chode Picks in the playoffs (for those of you who are new to the Picks, I usually stop writing after the Packers get knocked out).  Believe me, there’s nothing I wanted more this season than to have to keep writing into February, but our defense and offensive line are apparently determined to shut me up far sooner than that.  Also, what the hell, Josh Sitton?  I don’t like Ndamukong Suh either, but if I were unfortunate enough to be playing against him in a few days, I sure as hell wouldn’t go out of my way to piss him off.  You owe my boy Flynn an apology and a case of beer.  Or two.  Speaking of Flynn, I don’t know how it’s possible, but he made me say the words “I miss Seneca Wallace” TWICE on Thanksgiving.  I guess the Seahawks, Raiders and Bills knew what they were doing after all.  But at least there’s one silver lining we can all be thankful for: none of us have to go back home and live in Detroit.  Hopefully.  If you live in Detroit and you somehow have internet access to read this, I sincerely apologize.  May God have mercy on you.  Trust me, it could be worse.  And by worse, I mean Chicago.  Yes, I would rather be chased down the streets of Detroit by a coked-out gangbanger than sit in a Chicago pub paying seven dollars a beer and listening to a bunch of fat bastards in Brian Urlacher jerseys cry about Derrick Rose’s latest season-ending injury.  Oh hey, that reminds me.  NBA basketball, the one professional sport I can go to distract me from the Packers’ continued futility without Rodgers…

DETROIT by 30 (Thirty. Are you fucking kidding me?!?)

MIAMI HEAT (13-3) vs INDIANA PACERS (15-1)

Let’s be honest: the Eastern Conference sucks balls.  The regular season in the NBA is all leading up to the Eastern Conference Finals when the Heat will play the Pacers for the honor of matching up against the Spurs in the Finals (again).  It’s really too bad the Bucks have had a shitload if injuries this year, because if they had kept everyone healthy this year, they could have snagged the #3 seed and kicked the Rose-less Bulls out of the playoffs, securing the ultimate slap in the face for Chicago sports teams: losing to Milwaukee.  But you know what?  Fuck it.  The Bucks might as well tank for Andrew Wiggins, Jabari Parker, Marcus Smart or Julius Randle anyways, because in the NBA it’s better to throw away a season to get a game-changer than play your balls off for the eighth seed and remain mired in mediocrity.  As for the Bucks’ owner Herb Kohl, I have this to say:  Please survive until Dustin Baldwin, Matt Van Himbergen and myself earn enough money to buy the Bucks, and we will save your franchise.  Honestly, if I won the lottery tomorrow I would buy the Bucks, if only because the Packers aren’t for sale.  Whoops, I went off on a bit of a tangent there.  My bad.  What I meant to say is that the Heat are going to complete their four-peat of Eastern Conference titles, and it’s the only thing keeping me sane through second year of medical school and a shitty Packer season.

MIAMI in seven.  Again.

PENN RAPE (6-5) at #15 WISCONSIN (9-2)

We’re going to win.  That’s really all I can tell you about this game on Friday night.  I can’t tell you where the points are coming from, but I’m guessing the majority will come from the quadrangle of James White, Jared Abbrederis, Melvin Gordon and (sigh) Joel Stave.  But this I know: Wisconsin’s defense is one of the best in the country.  Shit, at this point I would take the Badger defense over the Packer offense behind Matt Flynn, Scott Tolzein or whoever else we put under center.  And to be honest, this game will cement our place in the Orange Bowl.  And that’s one hell of a consolation prize after losing to Ohio State and starting the season 3-2.  Hey, maybe we’ll win a BCS game for once in my college career.  Cross your fingers.  And it pains me to admit this, because he’s an immature douchebag, but Sojourn Shelton is going to be one of the best defensive backs Wisconsin has ever seen.  Damn, it’s going to be cold tomorrow.  SOULJA’ BOY, TELL ‘EM!

WISCONSIN by 14

JASON KIDD (4-12) vs  EVERY OTHER NBA COACH (236-228)

Yes, that’s right.  The combined records of every coach in the NBA are just barely above .500 at 236-228, while the Brooklyn Nets are mired at 4-12, right next to the injury-riddled Milwaukee Bucks.  You know, I wish I would have called this sooner but there’s no way in hell a team coached by a 43-year old dude could convince Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce and Deron Williams to play hard enough to seriously challenge for the NBA title.  Sorry Mikhail Prokhorov, but you bought the wrong team.  If you want to win in the NBA, you need to sign young players before they hit their prime, not old players past their prime.  Baksetball is a game for young men, which explains why a 5-foot-9 guy like myself can hold my own at the Camp Randall Sports Center (the Shell) against a bunch of thirty-year old dudes in pickup games.  And yes, I just took a whole paragraph to humblebrag for myself in the Chode Picks.  Deal with it.  By the way, anyone that can beat me one-on-one for the rest of the football season in a best of five game wins 30 (THIRTY) Chode Points.  Challenge me if you dare.  And while we’re on the topic of impossible challenges, I’ll throw two more out for anyone daring enough to take me on:

Beat me in Mario Kart 64 on Yoshi Valley, Koopa Troopa Beach or Banshee Boardwalk = 40 points

Beat me in Super Smash Bros 64 on-on-one = 50 Chode Points

These challenges will stand until the end of the season.

Good luck.

ANY OTHER NBA COACH by 14 games

With that said, here are the Chode Points standing so far:

Sam MacDonald: 50 pts

Zach Niemayer: 30 pts

Dan Jensen and Ben King: 25 pts

Nate, Megan, Andy, Nick, Eric, Bianca and Dustin: 10 pts

Congrats to Sam on being man enough to take a shot of 151-proof booze this week.  I expected much more out of the rest of you.

SEADDERALL SEAHAWKS (10-1) vs REST OF THE NFL (163-177)

No, I didn’t think of “Seadderall Seahawks” on my own, but if you tell me who did, I’ll give you 10 Chode Points.  Brilliant.  Anyways, since the Packers are pretty much out of the playoffs, I’m finally ready to forgive Seattle for the Fail Mary last year and root for them to win it all.  After losing Kevin Durant to Oklahoma City, they deserve a true contender.  Also, like all other Badger fans, I have a slight man-crush on Russell Wilson, and I can’t wait to watch him beat the Patriots in the Super Bowl.  But mark my words, at some point over the next five years, the Packers will beat the Seahawks in the playoffs and I will scream “YOU DESERVE THIS, YOU CHEATING ASSHOLES!!”  But not this year.  I’ll save it.  God bless you, Al Harris. 

FLORIDA STATE FOOTBALL (11-0) vs TALLAHASSEE POLICE DEPT (0-0)

(tomahawk chop motion)

NOOOOO…. MEANS… NOOOOOOOOO

(tomahawk chop again)

NOOOOO… MEANS… NOOOOOOOOO

TALLAHASSEE POLICE DEPT by 10 years plus five on probation

FANTASY FOOTBALL: JON ERICKSON STILL PAYS FOR SEX (9-3) vs TEAM ERICKSON (9-3)

First seed playoff spot on the line here.  But let’s be honest: nobody cares about my fantasy league.  He’ll probably beat me again, but that doesn’t take away the fact that me and my high school teammates beat him twice in his senior year and knocked the Chippewa Falls Cardinals out of the playoffs.  See you in the Championship round, Jon. 

One last bit of advice: keep track of the random girls you hook up with in college, because one of them might end up becoming the love of your life.  You know who you are.

Green and Gold until I die.

- Chode Out.

Chode Picks – Week 12

It’s time.  What time, you ask?  Why, it’s the most wonderful time of the year of course.  No, not Thanksgiving.  Not Christmas.  Not my birthday, for once.  Even better, it’s Minnesota week.  The one weekend of the year where we get to watch the inferior teams from our western neighbor state get ritually sacrificed to the great gods of green, gold, red and white.  This year promises to be even more sweet, since the brain-damaged populace of Minneapolis/St Paul has somehow convinced itself that their puny Golden Gopher football team has a chance to dethrone the college football king of the upper Midwest (Ohio isn’t upper Midwest, I don’t care what you say).  But before we get to the two most important games of the week, I need to fill you in on the going-ons of my increasingly boring life.

You see, Thursday night marked the 23^rd birthday of my good friend Alex, a fellow med student at UW.  And seeing a good excuse to free my balls from the vice that is second year of medical school, I jumped at the opportunity to act like a normal 23-year old on a Thursday night.  I told myself “Chode, you got way too drunk and missed Friday classes last week, so try to keep it under control tonight, okay?  Good talk.”  WRONG.  Somewhere between the 6^th beer and 5^th shot at Church Key Bar and Grille, I realized I was going to miss my 8:00 AM lecture.  Fast-forward through a drunken blur and I woke up in my bed at 12:30 PM with no money in my wallet and having missed all four hours of class.  Whoops.  Yo soy fiesta. 

#19 WISCONSIN BADGERS (8-2) at #25 MINNESOTA GOLDEN GOPHERS (8-2)

First of all, congratulations to Minnesota on winning four Big Ten games in a row for the first time in 40 years.  Truly an impressive feat, and certainly one that nobody expected this season.  Also, we get at least that many every season.  The truth is, the Gophers’ eight wins have come against inferior competition and are a sign of how weak the Big Ten has become outside of Ohio State, Wisconsin and Michigan State.  Expect the Gophers to be exposed by an actual quality team in that pathetic joke of a stadium today.  As long as Melvin Gordon can keep his new fumbling problem to a minimum.  Gophuck yourself, Minnesota.  Have fun in the Little Caesar’s Bowl. 

WISCONSIN by 17

Another note about the Badgers.  There’s a very real chance that this team will finish the season 10-2, yet not ranked high enough to snag a BCS at-large bid due to that awful officiating blunder against Arizona State.  Should that happen, try to remember that we got to play in the Rose Bowl last year with four losses.  Four.  So let’s not complain too loudly about the Capital One Bowl. 

With regards to the Heisman race, it appears that Jared Abbrederis is once again going to be gypsied out of the trophy ceremony.  Right now Jameis Winston has the inside track, but AJ McCarron, Bryce Petty and the Tallahassee Police Department are hot on his heels.  Note that I left Turd Manziel out of that sentence because he and the Aggies just got crushed by LSU.  Sorry Johhny, you gotta win those games if you want another Heisman.  

One last college football note: last week Oregon’s De’Anthony Thomas said that going to the Rose Bowl would be “not a big deal” because “we’ve already won it, so whatever”.  Dick.  Count me as one of the many fans happy to see Thomas and the Ducks get their asses handed to them by Arizona.  Congratulations, De’Anthony.  You got your wish, and you will almost certainly not be playing in the Rose Bowl this year.  Take another hit from the bong and try to forget that you were ranked #2 at the start of the season. 

Alright, time for some pro football…

MINNESOTA VIKINGS (2-8) at GREEN BAY PACKERS (5-5)

What a great quarterback matchup.  Scott Tolzein versus the Christian Ponder/Matt Cassell/Josh Freeman shit sandwich.  What’s the opposite of a shootout?  Pick-six fest?  Puntapalooza?  Regardless, it’s going to be ugly and depressing.  Or just another typical Sunday if you’re a Viking fan.  Tolzein has to win a game eventually, right?  Normally I’d be worried about our pass defense in this game, but when you’re playing the Vikings in 2013, “pass defense” doesn’t really apply.  As long as we can hold Peterson to under 150 yards, I think the Packers get back on the right... ugh.  You know what?  Fuck it.  I’m picking the Vikings.  I have absolutely no faith in Tolzein.  He’s terrible.

MINNESOTA by 7

Damn it, Joel Stave.  That’s easily the worst throw I’ve seen all year.  Touchdown Gophers.  You would think Wisconsin should be able to recruit a quarterback who doesn’t panic and fling the ball in a random direction under pressure, but here we are.  Look for Abbrederis to dig us out of this mess as the game goes on. 

ALEX RODRIGUEZ (0-1) vs BUD SELIG (1-0)

Yes, I’m still rooting for A-Rod.  Not sure why.  If that makes me a bad person, so be it.  But unfortunately we’ll have to wait until sometime in 2014 for Rodriguez to be cleared of any wrongdoing.  Hopefully sometime before the Yankees win the World Series again. 

ALEX RODRIGUEZ by 1

Time for an update on the Chode Points.  The correct answer to last week’s challenge was heads.  So ten points to approximately half of you.  That leaves the standings as:

Sam MacDonald: 35 pts

Zach Niemeyer: 30 pts

Dan Jensen and Ben King: 25 pts

Nate, Megan, Eric, Bianca, Andy, Nick, and Dustin: 10 pts

As for this week, your task for 15 points is to take a one-ounce shot of alcohol greater than 150 proof.  That gives you the options of Bacardi 151, Everclear or some other knockoff grain alcohol.  You won’t regret it.  Actually, you might.  Just make sure you post on here before you black out and forget that you took it.  Speaking of alcohol, my NovemBeer count is at 82, with just over a week left in the month. It seems I underestimated myself a bit when I set the goal at a measly 90 beers.  Also, I’m pretty sure Nate’s going to be closing in on 200 by the time the calendar flips to December.

BREAKING NEWS (sort of): Derrick Rose is hurt again.  I gotta hand it to the guy, his commitment to not playing the sport of basketball is really inspiring.  It’s often said that you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take, but in Rose’s case, you miss nearly 100% of the games you’re supposed to play in.  I’m really looking forward to watching the Heat or Pacers stomp the Bulls again in the playoffs next May.  Also, LeBron makes 100% of the shots he doesn’t take.

More basketball (sorry). Frank Kaminsky broke the Wisconsin single-game scoring record on Tuesday by dropping 43 points on North Dakota.  This begs the question: if you break a record playing against North Dakota, does it still count?  I’ll say yes, because scoring 43 points on just 19 shots like Frank did is unheard of.  It was just a staggering display of efficiency, and it makes me feel like a dumbass for telling him to stop shooting three-pointers last year.  My apologies, Frank.  It’s going to be a fun season.  Also, if you had told me before the game that a Badger player was going to score 43 and it would be Kaminsky rather than Sam Dekker or Ben Brust, I would have slapped you in the face.  This team could be one of the best Bo Ryan has coached in a long time.  Also, the schedule during the first half of the season is pretty favorable, and there’s a legit chance we could start the season16-0.  Now having said that, I’m nearly 100 percent certain that I’ve jinxed them and they’ll drop a game against an inferior team before then.

FANTASY FOOTBALL: BEAU HAS TINY BALLS (8-3) vs CREMASTER BALL CONTROL (3-8)

Eight wins.  I think that tops my career high.  To make things even better, I convinced my buddy to trade me Andrew Luck and Julius Thomas for Tom Brady, Eric Decker and Steven Jackson just before the trade deadline last week.  That’s a fucking steal.  I’m not even going to bother keeping track of this score tomorrow because there’s no way Beau can stay within 30 points of me.

BEAU HAS TINY BALLS by 37

JEROME’S KNUCKLEHEADS (6-5) vs JUSTIN FORSETT IN HER BUTT (3-8)

Yeah, the only reason I’m picking this game is because I wanted an excuse to write Dan’s team name a couple of times.  There’s a reason I haven’t mentioned this league all season in the Picks, and it’s because my team is god-awful.  I’m 1-10.  Turns out four leagues was too many. 

JUSTIN FORSETT IN HER BUTT by 90

Here’s hoping I’m not still writing the Chode Picks when Wisconsin makes it two straight decades of victory over the Gophers in 2023. 

- Chode Out.

Chode Picks – Week 11

And we’re back.  Coming to you LIVE from Madison, Wisconsin, welcome to a special post-exam edition of the Chode Picks!  It’s been over 72 hours since I completed my third round of exams this semester, and I’m sorry to say I’ve neglected doing any writing until now.  I would apologize, but naturally I have excuses instead.  You see, for most of the past week, I came down with a nasty case of a debilitating disease commonly known as “the sobers”.  The good news is, I had my favorite antidote ready on Tuesday afternoon; a solid thee day binge drinking spree.  The bad news however, is that my cure kept me from doing anything productive whatsoever during that time, including writing your favorite blog.  Fortunately, I think at this point I’ve finally cleared any trace of sobriety from my circulation, thanks to a few gallons of delicious craft beer from the Great Dane brewpub in Madison.  This led to one glorious moment Thursday night where my hand-eye coordination abandoned me and I lost two games of darts against a girl who couldn’t have been more than five feet tall.  That was when I knew Chode was truly back in business.  And guys, with a Badger gameday on the horizon and no real responsibilities this weekend, it feels fantastic.  So without further delay, let’s get to the Picks.  First up…

GREEN BAY PACKERS (5-4) at NEW YORK GIANTS (3-6)

Damn it.  We’re less than two weeks into the Scott Tolzein experiment and I already hate it.  I can’t tell you why Mike McCarthy has so much confidence in this guy, because I went to the game last week, and somehow he looked even worse in person than on TV.  Trust me.  If Philadelphia’s secondary was even halfway decent, they would have had at least four interceptions instead of two.  At this point, our only hope is that somehow Eli Manning will somehow out-suck whatever pathetic excuse for a quarterback we put on the field Sunday afternoon.  And call me biased, but I’m really disappointed we didn’t give Tebow a tryout.  I don’t see how he can possibly be any worse than Tolzein.  Here’s hoping Scotty pulls his groin on the first drive and Matt Flynn comes in to save the day.  By the way, what the hell, Seneca Wallace?  You couldn’t even last a full quarter against the Eagles?  Fuck you.  Aaron Rodgers spends his ENTIRE OFFSEASON getting his groin pulled!  This is depressing.  Let’s move on.

GREEN BAY by six

INDIANA HOOSIERS (4-5) at #22 WISCONSIN BADGERS (7-2*)

Ah, much better.  If there’s one thing I’m certain of this week, it’s that the Badgers are going to light up the scoreboard tomorrow against Indiana.  Over the past three years, we’ve scored 204 points on these miserable bastards.  Two-hundred and four.  That’s nearly 70 points a game, including an 83-20 ass-kicking in 2010 when career backup Nate Tice ran for a score.  Nate fucking Tice.  Also known as “the guy who threw an interception to Alex Quilling in high school”.  Sure, it was a 7-on-7 passing tournament, but that’s besides the point.  The point is, we’re gonna drop at least 60 on the helpless Hoosiers again tomorrow.  I’d be more worried if we were lining up against the Indiana Pacers’ defense.  At least Roy Hibbert can knock a ball down every now and then.  Expect Joel Stave to throw for 200 yards, and Melvin Gordon to run for more than that.  Unless Coach Anderson gets really smart and puts Abbrederis at quarterback.  Then we’d probably break the scoreboard. 

WISCONSIN by 35

Editor’s note: I wrote the previous paragraph before the Badger game on Saturday.  As it turns out, I lowballed it.  Should have picked Wisconsin by 45 instead.  James White for Heisman?

#3 OHIO STATE BUCKEYES (9-0) at ILLINOIS FIGHTING ILLINI (3-6)

There’s something I need to get off my chest: I like Urban Meyer.  Yes, I know he coaches our mortal enemy, the Ohio State Buckeyes.  And if I had my choice, I’d love to see his team lose every game for then next few years.  But if I’m being completely honest, I have to say that I have nothing but respect for the guy.  He’s confident but classy, he defends the Big Ten at every turn, and he’s one hell of a recruiter.  Basically, he’s the polar opposite of Bret Bielema.  So that makes me feel a little less awful about rooting for the Buckeyes the rest of the way.  If they somehow sneak into the BCS championship game, nobody outside of Columbus will be rooting for them more than me.  I know Wisconsin is still Robin to Ohio State’s Batman in the Midwest, but I’m much happier about being second to Urban Meyer’s Buckeyes than say, Brady Hoke’s Wolverines or Bo Pelini’s Huskers.  If gambling were legal, I’d bet a trillion dollars on OSU to cover the spread here.

OHIO STATE by infinity

#2 OREGON DUCKS (8-0) at #5 STANFORD CARDINAL (7-1)

Just kidding.  This game already happened.  But I’m really glad I didn’t bet on it, because I definitely would have taken the Ducks.

STANFORD by 6

MONSTARS (0-1) at TUNE SQUAD (1-0)

If you haven’t seen “Space Jam”, feel free to skip this paragraph.  And shame on you.  For the rest of us ‘90s kids, we all remember what was probably the worst basketball movie ever made.  Michael Jordan’s second-biggest failure is now 18 years old, and it still bothers me.  Some people say that technology, fast food and instant gratification have ruined the newest group of college athletes.  I say that’s bullshit.  It was this move that ruined our generation.  More specifically, the lack of any effort put into defense or rebounding shown by Jordan and his crew.  The record still shows that the Tune Squad allowed a ridiculous 154 points per 100 possessions and let the Monstars shoot an equally absurd 110% true shooting percentage.  Yet somehow, they managed to pull out a victory by shooting 39-for-39 from the field, all of which came from inside the three-point line, except for Jordan’s game-winning half court dunk at the end (he traveled, by the way).  Also, official Marvin the Martian made an egregious scorekeeping error by awarding the Tune Squad ten free points in the fourth quarter without any time elapsing from the game clock.  So to make a long story short, the Tune Squad was one of the worst basketball teams ever to walk the face of the Earth, and the Monstars got robbed.  And yes, I took the time to calculate the true shooting percentage of a cartoon team.  Unfortunately, the more realistic sequel “Space Jam 2” was never sent to cinema due to LeBron James’ team-first, defensively sound performance, which led to a boring, thirty-point victory by the Looney Tunes.

MONSTARS 77, TUNE SQUAD 65 (the real score)

Sorry, I went off on a bit of a tangent there.  I do that sometimes.  Time for an update on the Chode Points.  Sam MacDonald wins 15 points for being the first one to shotgun a Rolling Rock silo last weekend.  That puts him atop the standings this week with that dickhead who picked the Bears two weeks ago.

Sam MacDonald and Dan Jensen: 25 pts

Zach Niemeyer: 20 pts

Ben King: 15 pts

Nate, Megan, Eric and Bianca: 10 pts

As for NovemBeer, I’m at 45 for the month, and I expect to put down ten to fifteen tomorrow for the Badger game.  Once again, let me know if you’re ahead of me, and we’ll all try to pretend that Nate isn’t going to win in a landslide anyways. 

For this week, we’re going to do something stupid because I’m tired and I don’t have the energy to think of anything brilliant.  So I’m going to flip a coin, and you’re going to post either “heads” or “tails” in the comments below.  Everyone who gets it right wins 10 Chode Points.

BALTIMORE RAISINS (4-5) AT CHICAGO BEARS (5-4)

I told you so, Chicago.  You can hurt our all-world quarterback and possibly end out season, but there’s no way in hell that makes you a contender.  You’re not making the playoffs either.  And when Rodgers is back for week 17, you can bet your stupid silver bean that he’s ending your season if you’re not out of it already.  Hey, at least Derrick Rose looks like an MVP again.  Oh wait, he’s hurt.  Again.  And he always will be.  He’ll be the only MVP to not make the hall of fame.  Embarrassing.  Go Raisins.

BALTIMORE by 7

FANTASY FOOTBALL: MAX GEHRMAN FARTS CONDOMS (7-3) vs BULBO SPONGI-AWESOME (4-6)

See what I did there?  I implied that Max is a gay.  Ha.  I’m hilarious.  Unfortunately, this is what my fantasy season has been reduced to: making personal attacks via my team name every week.  Mainly because my team can’t seem to stay healthy and Tom Brady is having his worst season in over a decade.  Never trust a Michigan man.  Unless that man is Charles Woodson.  Regardless, I think Gehrman is going down like a twelve-year old Vietnamese prostitute.

MAX GEHRMAN FARTS CONDOMS by 11

Drinking rum at 8:00 AM doesn’t make you an alcoholic, it makes you a pirate.

- Chode Out

Chode Picks – Week 10

Tragedy.  A word with many meanings.  To some, a tragedy means failing a class, losing your job or watching your house burn down.  Others may consider it losing a loved one, going to war or being forced to listen to a Miley Cyrus song.  If you asked the surviving population in the Phillipines today, they might tell you about the tragedy of Super Typhoon Haiyan. (Which by the way, would make an awesome name for a pro wrestler.  If I could pick one thing in the world to be named after me, it would be Super Typhoon Alex.)  But if you were to ask the citizens of Green Bay, Wisconsin to define the word tragedy last Monday night, I’m fairly certain “fractured collarbone” would have been at the top of the list.  Yes, I’m sure you were all watching when the evil Chicago Bears inflicted this horrible, senseless, black-hearted scourge upon the good people of Wisconsin, so I won’t recap the awful events of that night.  But with every dark storm cloud comes a silver lining, and this is no different, because it’s going to look way more awesome when we come back to win the Super Bowl again this year.  That’s right.  We might need a few breaks along the way, but I’m confident that if we can do the following things, we’ll stay right on track for a playoff berth until Rocket-Arm Jesus comes back to lead us to the promised land.  Dibs on that nickname. 

First and foremost, Eddie Lacy needs to be a man.  I know he’s been impressive so far, but he’s going to need to run like he stole something from Jason Bourne twenty to thirty times a game to keep the offense afloat and take some pressure off of Seneca Wallace.  Basically, he needs to do what James White did to BYU today.  More on that later.  I think he’s up to it.  Don’t let me down, Hammer. 

Second, we need our offensive line to be outstanding.  Seneca Wallace isn’t a great quarterback, but if you give Jordy Nelson and James Jones enough time, they’ll get so wide open that anyone not named “Joel Stave” could hit them. 

Third and most importantly, Clay Matthews, Morgan Burnett and the rest of the Packer defense must play like their pubic hair is on fire.  No, not literally.  It’s a metaphor.  But I expect them to rebound from an embarrassing showing against Josh McCown last week and pull their weight.  Major injuries like this have a way of focusing a team.  It’s called the Ewing Theory and it was discovered by some giant dickhead who writes for Grantland.  Anyways, as long as Rodgers isn’t out for more than a month, everything will be okay.  Seneca will improve, Hammer will carry us to a couple of wins, and we will survive.  If the game was all about one player, we would call it tennis. 

By the way, I apologize to those of you who think I somehow “jinxed” the Packers by guaranteeing a win over the Bears last week.  But don’t be an idiot.  If I had the power to curse my favorite teams through the Chode Picks, Green Bay never would have won Super Bowl XLV and the Miami Heat would have lost the NBA Finals the past two years.  And the Badgers would have lost three Rose Bowls in a row.  Oh, damn it. 

Speaking of UW football, the Badgers rolled over the BYU Cougars today in Camp Randall to the tune of 27-17.  I’m sure our Mormon head coach Gary Andersen was a little conflicted watching his squad of thugs beat up on the Latter-Day Saints, but luckily I’m Protestant and have no such misgivings.  So take your extra Bible book, caffeine-free soda and sexually frustrating lifestyle back to Utah where it belongs, Cougars.  Tell your righteous, overly polite fans to enjoy the 20-hour drive home.  Jimmer Fredette sucks.  

And concerning Badger football, it’s time to face the music.  Enough is enough.  It was obvious to everyone in Camp Randall today that we have top-notch talent at every position… except for one.  You know, the most important position in all of sports, quarterback.  It’s time to show Joel the way to the bench and hand him a clipboard.  Now you’re probably asking, “who do we have that’s better?”  Curt Phillips?  I love him, but no.  Bart Houston?  Not yet, he’s too young and unpolished.  Tanner McEvoy?  Hell no.  Apparently we need him at safety and he’s arrogant enough as it is.  But there’s one player on the roster with a stellar record at quarterback who has the intelligence, mobility and arm to lead us to the next level.  His name is Jared Abbrederis.  Yep.  You all know about my long-ago friendship with the Badger’s #1 receiver, but what you may not know is he played quarterback in high school.  And he was really, really good.  First-team all state good.  BFS National Athlete of the Year good.  Don’t ask me why nobody on the coaching staff has thought of this earlier.  Maybe they should have taken a closer look at my job application after Bielema left.  Assholes.  Regardless, Abbrederis is a shorter version of Jordy Nelson.  And Jordy Nelson was one injury away from playing quarterback for the Packers last Monday.  Make it happen, Andersen.  ABBRA-CA-DERIS!!

Also, I’m fairly convinced now that Joel Stave is racist.  He only throws to white dudes.  Or dudes named White. 

Time for an update on the Chode Points standings.  There was one insufferable asshole who picked the Bears to win last week, but I’m not going to type his name because he doesn’t deserve it.  But you know who you are, and you get 15 Chode Points.  As far as the Novembeer competition goes, I’m currently at 27.  Considering it’s the week before exams, I’m pretty damn proud of myself.  Let me know in the comments if you’re ahead of me.  And yes, you’re allowed to game the system by drinking watered-down shit like Natty Light or Keystone, but if I catch any of you drinking Miller 64, I will smack that garbage out of your dirty fingers.  It’s an affront to real beer.  Anyways, here are the standings:

Zach Niemeyer: 20 pts

Ben King and THE ASSHOLE THAT SHALL NOT BE NAMED: 15 pts

Nate, Megan, Eric, Sam and Bianca: 10 pts

As for this week’s challenge, it’s very simple.  The first person to shotgun a 16-ounce beer and confirm it by posting on the Chode Picks Facebook group gets 15 points.  Anyone who does it after the first person gets 10 points.  I won’t ask for pictures, but no cheating, please.  And yes Eric, you can crush-chug it instead because somehow you do that faster than anyone can shotgun a beer. 

Well, we’re two full pages in and have yet to get to the actual Picks.  Time to put a stop to this nonsense.

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (4-5) at GREEN BAY PACKERS (5-3)

Hey, guess what?  I’ll be at this game, which starts approximately 13 hours from now!  And since I’m publishing the Chode Picks on a Saturday night, there’s a pretty good chance you’re reading this during a commercial break in the game.  Look for me!  I’m in the south endzone stands, way up near the top, next to the drunk guy wearing a Rodgers jersey! (That’s you, Garrison.)  And even though it’s the weekend before exams, I made it to two Wisconsin football games this weekend.  Do you know why?  Because I’m a real fan, damn it.  I bleed green and gold.  Actually, that’s a lie.  I bleed Badger red just like everyone else, but you know what I meant.  And while my classmates were all locked up in the library this weekend, I had my priorities in order.  If that means I end up with a B in respiratory pathology, so be it.  The most important equation I learned in medical school was this: B = M.D.  Go Pack.

GREEN BAY by 3

DETROIT LIONS (5-3) at CHICAGO BEARS (5-3)

Go Lions.  There, I said it, and I don’t ever want to say it again.  But it’s important that Detroit wins this game to keep us in first place in the NFC North.  Unfortunately, as the entire state of Michigan can attest to, the Lions have a way of faltering exactly when you expect the most out of them.  I’m counting on Ndamukong Suh, Calvin Johnson and Matt Stafford to keep me from looking like an idiot here.  A couple of Cutler INTs wouldn’t hurt either.

DETROIT by 7

#1 ALABAMA CRIMSON TIDE (13-0) vs #2 FLORIDA STATE SEMINOLES (13-0)

Let’s be honest.  Neither of these teams is losing before the BCS National Championship game.  And I’d like to be the first one to make this (somewhat) bold claim: AJ McCarron will win the Heisman Trophy.  Yes, boring old unbeatable AJ McCarron.  It’s time to stop penalizing him for playing on the best team in the country.  Sorry, Ohio State.  I guess 25-0 over the past two seasons just isn’t good enough for the computers.

ALABAMA by 10

FANTASY FOOTBALL: KIDDIE KIDDIE BANG BANG (6-3) vs TEAM STAHL (6-3)

This week, I take on last year’s league champion with first place in my Madison league on the line.  And this week, I beat Brian and lay claim to the best damn team in the land.  But that’s boring to everyone else, so I’ll skip ahead here.

KIDDIE KIDDIE BANG BANG by eleventy billion

MOLSON ICE (5-4) vs BRADY BUNCHES OF X’S AND O’S (4-5)

I’m obligated to mention this matchup because one of my buddies threw a fit last week when he was playing me and I didn’t write about it.  My bad.  I didn’t realize being mentioned in the Chode Picks was such a big deal to you.  So allow me to introduce all of you to my good friend Ryan Bade.  Ryan is a fellow second-year med student at Midwestern University in Chicago.  He enjoys long walks on the beach, science fiction novels, pigeon breeding, and creating arcane drinking games with plastic crocodiles meant for children between the ages of 4 and 12.  Also, he’s single and available, ladies. 

BRADY BUNCHES OF X’S AND O’S by 6

Obligatory note about the Miami Dolphins turmoil: Richie Incognito is a douche.  Just take a look at his fat, stupid face.  Being a good football player doesn’t give you the right to be an asshole.  Enjoy your premature retirement.  Interior offensive linemen aren’t that hard to come by in the NFL.  Just be glad you got out before you suffered too much irreversible brain damage.

Alright.  It’s late, I’m old and I have to wake up early to get to Green Bay tomorrow.  Thanks for reading.  God bless America and the Green Bay Packers.

- Chode Out