Brought to you by Stevens Point Brewery, because I figure at this point I should just tell you up front what I’m drinking for inspiration instead of trying to find a clever way to work it in later on. Truth is, I was strolling through the BP lounge yesterday while the attendant filled my Bugatti with gas outside, with no intention of buying an alcoholic beverage, when I happened to notice a lonely, discounted Summer Sampler pack of Point beer sitting on the shelves. And at the reasonable price of plastic, I just couldn’t bear to let it sit unattended for another three months. So I adopted twelve new friends, and I have to say, I wish I had given it a try sooner. It’s like Leinenkugel’s, only much better tasting and not owned by a bunch of Belgian communists.
Anyways, It was a glorious week for the Chode, as both of my fantasy teams whipped their opponents into the corner of an elevator while the Green Bay Packers put on a masterful display against that semi-pro team from Minnesota and the Badgers… well, let’s just agree to pretend that Northwestern doesn’t exist for a week. Thanks Obama. On to real football.
GREEN BAY PACKERS (3-2) at MIAMI DOLPHINS (2-2)
One Chode Point to anyone who attends this game. You’re welcome, King. Now I realize that the Dolphins have a considerable advantage playing at home after a bye week in the 85-degree weather of South Beach, but I think the Aaron Rodgers vs Ryan Tannehill contrast is more than enough to compensate. Besides, everyone in Miami will be too busy watching Miami Heat preseason games in our quest to be the first team in NBA history to win five consecutive conference championships. Also, we’re scrimmaging the Cavaliers in Brazil this weekend. ESPN is having a huge shit about it. Something about a marginal player that left the best team in the league to go play for the sewage dump known as Cleveland, Ohio. I wish I could remember his name. Anyways, expect Chris Bosh to kick off his MVP campaign by dropping 40 on those sorry sacks of poop.
MIAMI HEAT by 6
And I suppose the Packers will notch win 4 of 14 this week
as well. Yawn.
GREEN BAY by 10
ILLINOIS FIGHTING REDSKINS (3-3) at WISCONSIN BADGERS (3-2)
STAH-VE!! STAH-VE!! STAH-VE!! That was the cheer that erupted from Chasers Bar and Grille in Madison as the blonde bomber led us back from a 10-point halftime deficit against those snobs from Evanston. Never mind the three interceptions he threw, it was a startling change of pace to see less than nine guys stacked in the box, allowing Gordon to run free through the secondary. Coach Andersen wisely took my advice from last week’s edition, taking a few (accurate) shots down the field for the first time since last season. Word on the street is that he’s planning on using a two-quarterback system from here on out, and I think someday in the near future we’ll look back on that loss as the turning point that launched us to the Big Ten title game (where of course, we’ll lose in spectacular fashion to Michigan State). But regardless of who’s under center this week, it shouldn’t make much of a difference against Illinois as long as he sticks to the game plan of “turn around and hand off to #25”. The Injuns let up 349 rushing yards against Purdue last week, for God’s sake. Three-hundred and forty-nine. Yikes. If we find a way to lose this game, I’m selling my student tickets and drinking my sorrows away on Saturday afternoons instead. Hey, speaking of college football…
GREEN BAY by 10
ILLINOIS FIGHTING REDSKINS (3-3) at WISCONSIN BADGERS (3-2)
STAH-VE!! STAH-VE!! STAH-VE!! That was the cheer that erupted from Chasers Bar and Grille in Madison as the blonde bomber led us back from a 10-point halftime deficit against those snobs from Evanston. Never mind the three interceptions he threw, it was a startling change of pace to see less than nine guys stacked in the box, allowing Gordon to run free through the secondary. Coach Andersen wisely took my advice from last week’s edition, taking a few (accurate) shots down the field for the first time since last season. Word on the street is that he’s planning on using a two-quarterback system from here on out, and I think someday in the near future we’ll look back on that loss as the turning point that launched us to the Big Ten title game (where of course, we’ll lose in spectacular fashion to Michigan State). But regardless of who’s under center this week, it shouldn’t make much of a difference against Illinois as long as he sticks to the game plan of “turn around and hand off to #25”. The Injuns let up 349 rushing yards against Purdue last week, for God’s sake. Three-hundred and forty-nine. Yikes. If we find a way to lose this game, I’m selling my student tickets and drinking my sorrows away on Saturday afternoons instead. Hey, speaking of college football…
WISCONSIN by 31
SUPERSTAR RUNNING BACKS (0-3) vs RULES OF SOCIETY (0-3)
SUPERSTAR RUNNING BACKS (0-3) vs RULES OF SOCIETY (0-3)
Damn it, Todd Gurley.
I spent five weeks building you up for the Heisman, and then you go and
get suspended for selling autographs like some amateur bitch. It’s not like you could have waited until
June to sign a multi-million dollar contract or anything. Any day now, we’ll find out that Ameer
Abdullah is a coke dealer, or keeps orphans locked in his basement, or is
planning to assassinate the president while dealing coke to the orphans locked
in his basement. Woah, that one got away
from me. Sorry, NSA. Better wrap this paragraph up quick.
RULES OF SOCIETY by 900
RULES OF SOCIETY by 900
Before I forget, it would be irresponsible of me not to warn
you all about the brand-new gameday tradition at 43 Lathrop; we’re replacing
the lemon toss. For those of you too
lame to make it to the Best Pregame Party on Earth, for the past year we’ve
played a fun little game where if somebody randomly calls your name and tosses
a lemon at you (underhand, of course) and you fail to catch it, you must finish
your drink on the spot. Starting
Saturday though, it’s gonna be eggs. Raw
eggs. Head on a swivel, gentlemen. And no fast-pitch softball bullshit either. That just ruins the spirit of the game.
Five Chode Points for every lie you can pick out in today’s edition. First come, first serve. Negative five for every true statement that you erroneously call a lie. As of right now, Ben Steyer is winning with fifteen points on the season. Of course, the same rules apply as last year; whoever ends the season with the most points gets either a case of the shittiest beer I can find at Riley’s Wines of the World, a six-pack of the nicest beer I can find at Riley’s Wines of the World, or a shot of your choosing at whatever bar you find me at. And if the one person reading this who is allergic to beer somehow wins, I’ll get you cider or wine. You deserve it, that’s a fate worse than death.
Good God. I just watched the highlights from tonight’s Colts-Texans game. J.J. Watt has a legitimate chance to be the first defensive player to win the MVP since Lawrence Taylor 30 years ago. Tonight’s take: 7 tackles, 3 for a loss, 2 sacks, one pass knocked down and a fumble return for a touchdown. He has three touchdowns on the season. That’s as many as Jimmy Graham, and two more than Montee Ball. And we’re only six games in. Not bad for a guy who walked on at UW. Somehow, his teammates managed to lose tonight. I’ll always believe that if he had stayed for his senior year and played with Russell Wilson, we would have won a national championship.
Five Chode Points for every lie you can pick out in today’s edition. First come, first serve. Negative five for every true statement that you erroneously call a lie. As of right now, Ben Steyer is winning with fifteen points on the season. Of course, the same rules apply as last year; whoever ends the season with the most points gets either a case of the shittiest beer I can find at Riley’s Wines of the World, a six-pack of the nicest beer I can find at Riley’s Wines of the World, or a shot of your choosing at whatever bar you find me at. And if the one person reading this who is allergic to beer somehow wins, I’ll get you cider or wine. You deserve it, that’s a fate worse than death.
Good God. I just watched the highlights from tonight’s Colts-Texans game. J.J. Watt has a legitimate chance to be the first defensive player to win the MVP since Lawrence Taylor 30 years ago. Tonight’s take: 7 tackles, 3 for a loss, 2 sacks, one pass knocked down and a fumble return for a touchdown. He has three touchdowns on the season. That’s as many as Jimmy Graham, and two more than Montee Ball. And we’re only six games in. Not bad for a guy who walked on at UW. Somehow, his teammates managed to lose tonight. I’ll always believe that if he had stayed for his senior year and played with Russell Wilson, we would have won a national championship.
DENVER BRONCOS (3-1) at NEW YORK JETS (1-4)
I don’t care what the spread is for this game, it’s not high enough. Hold on, let me look it up.
…
Seven?!? Seven fucking points?!? That’s it?? I’ve never bet on an NFL game before, but I think I might have to for this one. Easy money.
DENVER by 24
I don’t care what the spread is for this game, it’s not high enough. Hold on, let me look it up.
…
Seven?!? Seven fucking points?!? That’s it?? I’ve never bet on an NFL game before, but I think I might have to for this one. Easy money.
DENVER by 24
MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL: KANSAS CITY ROYALS vs BALTIMORE
ORIOLES vs SAN FRANCISCO GIANTS vs ST. LOUIS CARDINALS
I don’t care who wins the World Series, as long as it’s not
the Cardinals. Fuck you, St. Louis. Budweiser sucks. And even though the Brewers choked away the
division lead again this year, I can sleep easy knowing the Cubs sucked
immeasurably more. Actually, I’m kinda
rooting for Kansas City. They’ve been
terrible for so long, they’re creeping towards Minnesota territory. Go Royals.
KANSAS CITY in six.
DETROIT LIONS (3-2) at MINNESOTA VIKINGS (2-3)
KANSAS CITY in six.
DETROIT LIONS (3-2) at MINNESOTA VIKINGS (2-3)
Calvin Johnson still out for the Lions? Teddy Bridgewater back for the Vikings? Possibility of the Pack taking over sole
possession of 1st place in the NFC North? SKOL!! GO VIKES GO!!
Ugh. Now I feel like I need to go take a shower. And I think it goes without saying that Detroit will find a way to lose on a last-second field goal.
Ugh. Now I feel like I need to go take a shower. And I think it goes without saying that Detroit will find a way to lose on a last-second field goal.
MINNESOTA by 3
Anyways, it’s now Friday afternoon and I have to go prepare for my evening routine of fighting crime and saving children from burning orphanages. Last thoughts:
Anyways, it’s now Friday afternoon and I have to go prepare for my evening routine of fighting crime and saving children from burning orphanages. Last thoughts:
- Qdoba is superior to Chipotle.
- Just over 4,000 people have been killed by the Ebola virus in the past two years worldwide. Malaria kills about 1,200,000 people every year. Influenza kills somewhere between 20,000 and 50,000 in the USA annually. Chill the fuck out, everyone. And get your flu shot.
- Chode Out.
- Just over 4,000 people have been killed by the Ebola virus in the past two years worldwide. Malaria kills about 1,200,000 people every year. Influenza kills somewhere between 20,000 and 50,000 in the USA annually. Chill the fuck out, everyone. And get your flu shot.
- Chode Out.
No comments:
Post a Comment