Chode Picks – Week 7 of glorious football campaign in which the Wisconsin Badgers will win the Taxslayer.com/Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl

Some plays you remember forever. Whether it’s because it sealed a championship, vaulted your team into the playoffs, or something simpler like winning a bet or just being so ridiculously spectacular, those are the plays where you’ll always know exactly where you were, what you were wearing and who was around you when they happened. They’re the moments that make you take a second, smile and think to yourself, “God, I love sports”.

Enter the mighty Aaron Rodgers, slayer of dreams and kicker of ass. Those poor Dolphins. They actually thought they had the win. But with two minutes left, no timeouts and Aaron getting the ball at our own 40-yard line down by four points, the game was already decided. The last two minutes were a thrilling formality, with Rodgers scrambling, drilling well-covered receivers and punching all of South Florida squarely in the dick. I haven’t seen a bunch of marine mammals abused that badly since Blackfish. Credit to Andrew “God’s Gift” Quarless for running a decent route and hanging on to the laser beam that struck him in the sternum for the winning score. And yes, Quarless actually has “God’s Gift” tattooed on his triceps. You would think he’d be able to make those plays more often. Regardless, I’m now fully confident that we’ll end up winning the division by one game and that Miami will miss the playoffs by the same margin. That’s how these things work.

Also, the Badgers held on to beat Illinois, so that’s cool too, I guess. When I got to the game in the 1st quarter, the score was 14-7, Illinois. When I left after jump around (don’t judge me, I don’t owe anything to this particular team), it was 38-14 Wisconsin. In case you suck at math, that means we went on a 31-0 run while I was in the stadium. Also, both of our losses occurred when I wasn’t in attendance. Clearly Barry Alvarez should fly me to every game. Might as well get me a field pass too, just to be safe. It’s the least he could do after passing me up for the head coaching job two years ago. Also, if you guys are interested I’ll post the resume I send to the athletic department in 2012. It was impressive, to say the least. We would have beaten Northwestern at least. Whatever. Their loss was Madison’s gain, because now I’m doing pap smears and diagnosing little kids with asthma instead! I’m not bitter, I swear. Also, in case you’re colorblind and haven’t noticed, October is breast cancer awareness month. So go find your favorite medical student and get a breast exam, ladies. Wow, that looks a lot creepier in print than it sounded in my head. WHATEVER! ON TO THE PICKS!!

WORLD SERIES: SAN FRANCISCO GIANTS vs KANSAS CITY ROYALS

Suck it, St. Louis. I’d rather miss the playoffs than lose in the NLCS. That’s a lie. But I still hope this hurts them dearly. For years, Cardinal fans have been pretending to be the Packer fans of baseball, and that makes me downright furious. And despite Kenne Koehler’s delusional opinion to the contrary, Budweiser still sucks. It’s made with rice. RICE. BEER MADE FROM RICE. THAT’S DISGUSTING. I would rather fellate a hot curling iron than drink a case of Bud. Go. Royals (jet planes, islands, tigers on a gold leash). I’m drunk.

Kansas City in four.

WISCONSIN BADGERS (4-2) vs BYE WEEK (0-0)

Probably not the greatest matchup for Melvin Gordon’s Heisman campaign, but then again neither is losing twice in six games. The good news is, it gives Stave an extra week to quietly meditate and read self-help books before we have to play a Maryland team that just knocked off Iowa and is absolutely capable of coming to Camp Randall and handing us our first home loss of the season next Saturday. Five points for every Maryland-related insult you can come up with in the comments this week. Ten for the best one as judged by the editorial committee of me. Speaking of points, time to hand some out for those of you who picked out the lies in last week’s edition:

Believe it or not, I don’t drive a Bugatti (Ryan Bade)
Lawrence Taylor won the MVP 28 years ago, not 30 (Bade and Dan Jensen)
I don’t have corporate sponsorship (Corey Munden)
I went to the BP with every intention of buying beer (Dustin Baldwin)
As for the Ebola numbers, I got them from CDC estimates so I don’t consider them lies. But since I’m assuming Zach Niemeyer had an equally reputable source, I’ll give him five points total for the effort.

So that leaves us with the following totals:

Ben Steyer and Dustin Baldwin: 15 points
Ryan Bade: 10 points
Dan Jensen, Corey Munden and Zach Niemeyer: 5 points
Ben King: One measly, pathetic point

WISCONSIN by default

CAROLINA PANTHERS (3-2-1) at GREEN BAY PACKERS (4-2)

Fascinating quarterback duel here, as we get to see alternating drives between Aaron Rodgers slicing up the Panthers’ shitty secondary and Cam Newton sprinting through our porous run defense. Also, Sam Shields is out so this game could be uncomfortably close. But hopefully Clay and Julius can put enough pressure on Scam to force a few ill-advised throws in the direction of Ha’Sean Clinton-Dix, who is having a fantastic rookie season. I think the Bears might end up regretting passing on him last June. Because for the next decade or so, It’s gonna be really hard for anyone in the league to pass on Dix. His ability to lay the wood in the secondary and penetrate holes in the backfield is unmatched. Dick jokes aside though, I think we run the winning streak to 4 tomorrow.

GREEN BAY by 7

SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (4-2) at DENVER BRONCOS (4-1)

In case you haven’t watched ESPN all week, Peyton Manning is two scores short of tying Brett Favre’s record for career touchdown passes. I think he’ll pass the mark tomorrow, and that’s the only reason I’m watching this game. Actually, I’ll be kinda pissed if he doesn’t break it because next week because I might not catch the Broncos’ next game on Thursday night. Stupid exams. Regardless, I think Brett’s interception record at least is safe for the next decade, even with the lesser Manning and Tony Romo catching up at an alarming rate.

DENVER by 10

Alright, time to call it quits for this week. I’ll leave you with a moderately offensive joke.

What did the feminist get her family for Christmas?

A bigger litter box and a scratching post.

Meow.

Also, check out this week’s video. Yes, that’s a man who dressed up a shovel with a mask and a coat actively taunting a hidden sniper. And no, they’re not Al-Qaeda. Some other, less important war over in the middle east. Brass balls.

- Chode Out.