Chode Picks – Week 8 of glorious fall season in which I will continue to make up ridiculous article titles for no reason

Same shit, different week.  Friday night in Madison and I’m gearing up for another weekend of beer, grilled food, mediocre college football and an upcoming Packer thrashing of an inferior NFC South team. Last weekend was a good one as Aaron, Jordy, Randall and the rest of the flying death machine known as the Green Bay offense murdered a bunch of teal-clad kittens in Lambeau field.  Also, I won my fantasy matchup, meaning Garrison has to go all of Saturday using Lego hands, avenging the bet I lost the previous week in our other fantasy league (I had to start every conversation with “I’m Batman”. Makes ordering drinks at a bar slightly awkward).  Despite a good start to the week though, I ran into some trouble on Tuesday afternoon.  Allow me to explain.  Also, this is a good time to point out that if for some reason the idea of me pooping makes you uncomfortable, you should skip the next paragraph.  If not, well then read on, you sick son of a bitch.

Beer shits.  We’ve all had them.  And as bad as beer shits can be, everyone knows that the dreaded “wings and beer” shits are approximately twice as debilitating.  So anyways, there I was on Tuesday after clinic, working through the wreckage of my colon in my downstairs bathroom that I thankfully don’t have to share.  As I finished up however, I noticed with some alarm that my toilet paper roll was empty.  “No matter” I thought to myself, “I’ll just shuffle pantsless over to the cabinet under the sink and grab another roll.” Unfortunately, as I opened the cabinet I was greeted with an unpleasant surprise: one of my roommates had borrowed my last roll.  Uh oh.  Now at this point, I had two unpleasant options.

A) Carefully pull up my pants and waddle to the upstairs bathroom, diligently trying not to soil my underpants

B) Use the roll of paper towels next to the sink instead

You can probably see where this is going.  I picked option B.  And other than a slight amount of chafing, it was working pretty well at first, that is until I stood up, crossed my fingers and flushed

“Glug… glug… clunk… hissssssss” went the toilet.

“Oh, shit” went Chode.

Thirty minutes later, after approximately a thousand unsuccessful plunging attempts and with a runny brown mixture covering most of the bathroom floor, I turned the water supply to the toilet off and fled, returning only briefly to chuck a bunch of newspapers on the vile mess that I had created.  The next day, I went out and bought a toilet snake (closet auger for those of you in the plumbing business).  Unfortunately, the snake was a real asshole about things and steadfastly refused to clear the offending mixture of paper towel and digested chicken meat.  This left me with one recourse other than calling a plumber: lift the fucking toilet off the ground and disimpact the clogging piece of shit with a pliers.  And you know what?  It may have taken me most of a week but I finally got that turd out of there.  I won.  So let that be my lesson to you all this week: don’t ever wipe your ass with paper towels.

Also, a few of you asked to see the resume I sent to the UW athletic department when I applied for the head coaching job, so here it is:

Alex Quilling

1206 Bowen Ct
Madison WI, 53715
(715) 308-4260
aquilling@wisc.edu _____________________________________________________________________________________________

Education
M.D. University of Wisconsin School of Medicine and Public Health (in progress) B.S. in Biochemistry, University of Wisconsin-Madison		Aug 2012 – May 2016  Aug 2008 – May 2012
Head Coaching Experience Dunn County Parks and Recreation Youth Flag Football 3 seasons, 18-0 record, 3 league championships Average margin of victory: 19.3 points EA Sports: NCAA Football 2006 3 consecutive National Championships, 1 runner-up 50-2 overall record 23 1st round NFL Draft picks, two Heisman trophy winners	Fall 2006 – 2008 Fall 2007 – Winter 2008

They never called.  Must have gotten lost in a file somewhere.  What a shame.  Anyways, enough about me.  ON TO THE PICKS!

MARYLAND TERRAPINS (5-2) at WISCONSIN BADGERS (4-2)

Even with a less talented coach, I feel pretty confident about this one.  Yes, Maryland has looked good in winning two of three Big Ten games so far, but they have yet to face an atmosphere like Camp Randall.  And I’m assuming Gary Andersen came up with some sweet trick plays using both of our quarterbacks over the bye week.  Hopefully they won’t involve any throwing on McEvoy’s part.  But since the Terrapins’ run defense is weaker than the toilet paper I should have used on Tuesday, expect Gordon and Clement to visit the end zone frequently on our way to win #5. 

WISCONSIN by 10

GREEN BAY PACKERS (5-2) at NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (2-4)

It’s really a shame that Peyton Manning is having such a monster year, because otherwise Aaron Rodgers would be on his way to a second MVP trophy.  Also, New Orleans’ pass defense is the worst in the league, so we might as well just give Eddie Lacy the day off.  And amazingly, the Saints are actually favored by a point in this game.  So for those of you who didn’t take my advice and bet on the Broncos over the Jets two weeks ago, here’s another chance for some easy money.  By the way, I apologize for getting the Picks out late this week but I figured since this is a Sunday night game I had a little more time to dick around.

GREEN BAY by 14

 
Well, looks like I was wrong about the Wisconsin-Maryland game.  Holy shit, it’s incredible how good we look with some competent quarterback play.  And with two virtual byes against Rutgers and Purdue the next two weeks, it looks like we’re building up to a showdown between 7-2 Wisconsin and 8-1 Nebraska for the Big Ten West title in Camp Randall on November 15^th.  Hooray. 

Chode Points update: most of your Maryland-related insults sucked balls last week, but I’ll give the few of you that came up with them some pity points anyways. Zach gets the ten points for the best one: Why wasn’t baby Jesus born in Maryland?  No wise men, no virgins.  Point totals are as follows:

Ben Steyer, Dustin Baldwin, Zach Niemeyer and Ryan Bade: 15 points
Korrie Mundin: 10 points
Ben King: 6 points

Dan Jensen: 5 points

For this week’s challenge: ten points to the first person to identify the man in the picture posted below.  Five points for anyone who posts an interesting fact about him afterwards.  I expect some creativity this week, damn it.

Thanks for reading.  Go Pack Go.

- Chode Out.