Chode Picks – Week 5

Hello world, and welcome back to the 5^th week of the Nobel Prize-winning Chode Picks!  I’m sure you all missed me over the past five or six days, so I’m getting them out early this week in a doomed attempt to publish before the Packer-Viking game tomorrow night.  Actually, you know what?  I’ll just write a paragraph about the game before and another one after.  Problem solved.  Damn, that’s brilliant.  High-five myself, no friends!

BEFORE: MINNESOTA VIKINGS (2-2) at GREEN BAY PACKERS (2-2)

At 4:00 PM central time tomorrow, I’m walking out of clinic, jumping in the car and racing up to Green Bay to watch the greatest team in the history of sports crush their inferior Minnesotan counterparts.  Just reading that sentence again makes me feel all warm and awesome inside.  Almost as much as watching Aaron Rodgers plant his foot in Chicago’s ass last Sunday afternoon.  In fact, that’s part of the reason I’m going to Lambeau tomorrow, because the only that will relieve the massive victory boner that last weekend’s game gave me is a three-hour party in Lombardi’s house.  And that’s what it’s going to be, because I’m not even remotely concerned about the possibility of defeat, especially without Adrian Peterson around to beat our linebackers with a stick.  And I promise I won’t alter this paragraph at all if we somehow shit the bed and lose. 

GREEN BAY by 24

#17 WISCONSIN BADGERS at NORTHWESTERN WILDCATS

True story: six years ago I was offered a scholarship to play football for Northwestern.  Now, it might also be true that the scholarship was only $1,000 and I’m referring to the University of Northwestern in St. Paul (Division III) rather than the Big Ten school, but whatever.  Close enough.  Go Eagles.  Also, I’m picking against the Badgers this week (Gasp!).  Mostly because we haven’t won in Evanston for approximately two centuries, but also because I think we’ll be able to need to throw the ball in order to beat a real, live Big Ten team.  Now, I could be wrong because apparently Joel “I shampoo with angel tears” Stave has gotten over his “yips” and says he can play now.  I’ll bet he’s the kind of guy who can’t pee if somebody is watching.  Anyways, Captain Stagefright still gives us a huge upgrade over Tanner McEmesis (shout out to the nerds who got that one) and I’m fully expecting Joel to play on Saturday.  But what the hell do I know, I’m not some sophisticated, intelligent savant like Gary Andersen.  I’m the kind of man who puts vodka in chocolate milk and uses a kitchen sponge to wash myself in the shower.  Despite that, we both know what needs to be done here. UNLEASH THE BLONDE BEAST, GARY!!

NORTHWESTERN by 3

So I just read on ESPN that Johnny Manziel is considering mentoring Jameis Winston in how to handle his off-the-field issues.  Wow.  That might be the worst idea I’ve heard since “Let’s just let Hitler take the Sudetenland.  I’m sure he’ll stop then.”  There’s a very short list of people who are less qualified than Turd Manziel to counsel a superstar quarterback on how to not act like a prick, and that list goes as follows; Ben Roethlisberger, Michael Vick, Thad Castle and O.J. Simpson.  That’s it. May God have mercy on whatever team takes Winston with the #1 overall pick next season.  Actually, let’s not kid ourselves.  It’s going to be the Jaguars. 
Speaking of Turd Manziel, I have to admit that I was extremely disappointed when the Vikings passed on him and took Teddy Bridgewater at the end of the 1^st round last spring, for two reasons.  First of all, I actually think Bridgewater is a good player.  He’s essentially a dumber version of Russell Wilson.  So the Vikings only need to surround him with a dominant rushing attack, the best defense in the NFL and Cordarrelle Patterson and they’ll have a recipe for their 5^th Super Bowl win.  Whoops, loss. I meant 5^th Super Bowl loss of course.  The Packer fan in me is just used to typing the word “win” after “Super Bowl”.  My bad.  Hey, speaking of the Vikings…

AFTER: MINNESOTA VIKINGS (2-3) at GREEN BAY MOTHERFUCKING PACKERS (3-2)

LOL.  My God, that was a fun game.  Short but sweet.  It was clear from the outset that Eddie Lacy told himself “Imma kill some purple bastards tonight” and proceeded to run past, around and over the entire Minnesota defense on the way to his best game of the season.  If you go back and watch his first touchdown run, it seems like he said to the other guys in the huddle “How ‘bout I knock the left d-end on his ass first, then run around the right side and score?  Wouldn’t that be fucking hilarious?”  Yes Eddie, it was.  Keep up the great work.  Rodgers did his part too, throwing for 3 TDs and zero picks, including a beautiful 66-yard bomb to Jordy.  I have to say, I watched that play unfold right in front of my eyes, and I don’t think I can put into words how beautiful it was live.  The crowd started screaming before Aaron even let go of the ball.  And then there was Julius Peppers with his first Lambeau Leap, courtesy of Christian Plunger, who apparently has the arm strength of a fetus and the decision-making capacity of General Custer.

BUFFALO BILLS (2-2) at DETROIT LIONS (3-1)

Bad news: we’re still a half game behind Detroit in the division.  Good news: the Lions always play down to their competition and find a way to lose games they should win.  Also, we get them at Lambeau in the last week of the season.  So I’ll go ahead and state the obvious right now: the Packers and Lions will play in week 17, tied atop the NFC North with a playoff spot on the line.  And Green Bay will it again.  This is how the world works.  But credit Detroit for playing so well through four weeks.  Hell, they might even grab the wild card spot.

BUFFALO by 7

Anyways, it’s Friday night and most of you are drunk so I debated waiting to post this until Saturday morning so more people would see it, but then I got all excited and finished too early.  Story of my life.  

I must have eaten Pinnochio, because this shit just got real.

- Chode Out.