Chode Picks – Week 16

I wasn’t going to write this week.  I really wasn’t.  After seven long seasons, four years of college, one semester of medical school, approximately eight million picks and more immature jokes than I care to remember, I was finally ready for the end.  After cramming a lifetime full of awesomeness into just 23 precious years, I was fully prepared for the end of the world, and the sweet oblivion it would bring.  After all, some of the smartest people on the internets had assured me that the Mayans couldn’t be wrong, that the apocalypse had to occur exactly two days after my birthday.  So in preparation for our impending doom, I decided that after finishing all of my in-class finals I wanted to go out in style, doing what I do best: drinking to excess.  Unfortunately, after a wild end of semester/Christmas/Armageddon on the 20^th, I woke up the next morning with three crushing realizations.

1)   Sadly, the sky had not exploded

2)   I had a devastating hangover, and…

3)   I still had to finish an online Biochem final and write this edition of Chode Picks before the end of the week.

Yes, that’s right.  An online exam in medical school.  How, you ask?  Hold on.  Let’s rewind a bit, back to December 18^th, also known as the day before the Greatest Day of the Year.  As you probably didn’t know, the 18^th was also the day of my first two exams this week, which just happened to be the only two that I needed to do halfway decent on in order to secure a passing grade.  Despite this, afterwards I was planning on being “responsible” and “studying” for genetics the next day.  Fortunately, my friends had other plans for me.  After being dragged downtown for “just a couple of drinks”, I was about to call it a night and try to salvage a decent night’s sleep before my final the next morning, when my buddy (whom I’ll call GD because he doesn’t deserve to have his name in the Chode Picks) threw down the following challenge:

GD: (setting a pitcher of beer in front of me) Happy birthday.

Chode: What the hell is this?

GD: Pitcher race

Chode: You realize I have a final tomorrow

GD: Yes, but according to the Chode Picks, “past Quilling kicked enough ass to make up for it”.  Drink up.

Chode: … you’re an asshole.

I’ll have you all know that I won that damn pitcher race.  And despite waking up the next morning with a nasty headache, I’m pretty sure I dominated that exam too, leaving me with just one the next day before a glorious, two-week Christmas break.  Then the unthinkable happened.  You see, late that afternoon, it became obvious that the largest snowstorm in the past decade was headed directly towards Madison, Wisconsin, with an expected snowfall upwards of 11 inches.  This led the brass at the university to cancel ALL of the undergraduate finals scheduled for Thursday and gifted us with the single most magical occurrence of the year: a UW-Madison snow day.  And as is customary on a snow day, the entire student body made the logical choice to drink ourselves silly, start massive snow fights and block major city streets with giant snowballs rather than study for any remaining exams on Friday or Saturday.  I don’t know if I’ve ever been prouder of my school.  (I suppose this is where I should apologize for my derogatory comments towards the weather a couple of weeks ago.  Just this once, we’re on good terms, snow.) So in summary, my birthday was awesome and I’d like to thank everyone who helped me celebrate and ease the pain of turning 23 and officially becoming old as shit.  Damn it, that’s almost a quarter of a century.  This sucks.  I wanted to stay 22 forever (and no, I’m not going to link you to that God-awful Taylor Swift song). 

Regardless, after the snow day, I had until the 23^rd at noon to take my online exam, which seemed like a bit of a joke even after our professors asked us very nicely not to consult our notes or the internet  (Did I use mine?  Of course not, I’m a man of integrity*), but now that it’s over, I have literally nothing to do except sit around in the middle of fucking nowhere, also known as rural Western Wisconsin.  It’s gonna be a long two weeks.  But enough about me.  Time to break down the tremendous ass-kicking that the Packers put on Tennessee today.

First of all, I want to congratulate the entire team on a spectacular performance.  For the past two months, seemingly every commentator on TV has been talking about how Green Bay has been learning to “win ugly”.  Now up until today I wasn’t entirely sure what the hell they were talking about, because every Packer win looks pretty damn good to me.  After this afternoon though, I think I get it, due to the pure, flawless beauty of the show Rodgers and company put on today.  In all honesty, there are very few things in this world more beautiful than that 20-yard strike that A-Rod fired to Randall Cobb in the first quarter.  And I’ve always maintained that there isn’t a finer sight in sports than a goose egg on your opponent’s side of the scoreboard (I refuse to recognize the Titan’s bullshit garbage-time touchdown at the end).  So bravo, you gorgeous gentlemen, you green and gold supermen, you gods of the gridiron.  Long may you reign over the NFC North.  Expect more 48-point blowouts in week 17 and into the playoffs next month.

Also, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the fact that MASON CROSBY MADE BOTH OF HIS FIELD GOAL ATTEMPTS TODAY!!!!  Thank God.  Hopefully he’s finally getting back some of the confidence that you lose when you miss half of your kicks on the season.  For the past month, every time the Packers crossed the opponents 30-yard line, the broadcast crew doing the game would cut to Crosby on the sidelines, looking like he’s about to shit his pants.  No longer (crossing fingers).

Hey, speaking of guys who should have been fired a long time ago, Joe Buck.  I don’t think I need to elaborate. 

Also, I’d like to apologize for not getting the Picks out before Sunday night.  But let’s be honest here; nobody actually reads them for legitimate football analysis anyways.

CHAMPIONSHIP GAME: I’m thinking RBs (7-6) vs 711 s 9^th st 101C (8-5)

Not sure what’s going on with your team Jared (not sure why anyone would ever want me to post their address in the Chode Picks), but it doesn’t matter.  What does matter is that unless Vernon Davis scores 18 points for you tonight, you just lost the league championship.  So congratulations to the new king of fantasy football, Kevin “Boom” Boerboom.  Despite losing nearly half of your regular season games and barely sneaking into the playoffs, you managed to knock off three very good teams in the past three weeks.  After looking at your roster, how the hell you pulled it off is beyond me.  It hurts my head just thinking about it.  Way to go, champ.  And congratulations on a fine playoff run by our runner-up: Jared Horatio Sawle.

I’m thinking RBs by 9

THIRD PLACE GAME: Stafford Infection (6-7) vs ABC – It’s Easy as RG3 (10-3)

As badly as I want to rub salt in the wound of losing in the semifinals, I’m gonna show some restraint here.  After all, finishing third or fourth out of 12 teams isn’t bad.  So instead I’ll give a shoutout to Calvin Johnson.  Apparently I was wrong about the whole Madden Curse thing.  It’s really astounding how everyone in the stadium knows that the Lions have only one reliable offensive weapon, but he somehow gets open over and over again anyways.  And even after breaking Jerry Rice’s single-season receiving yardage record, he still seems to be improving.  Ridiculous.  But hey, speaking of guys who put the team on their back…

Stafford Infection by 81

FIFTH PLACE GAME: Mondolockdown (10-3) vs Roddy White Suburban (8-5)

I’ll be the first one to point out the obvious: Adrian Peterson is not going to break the rushing record in week 17.  There is absolutely no way that the Packer defense is allowing over 200 yards to a single running back, not even one as talented and motivated as Peterson.  If San Francisco wins tonight and Green Bay decides to rest their starters, he might come close.  But I wouldn’t bet on it.  Especially since the Seahawks are about to take down the Niners and give us every reason to win next week and keep the Vikings out of the playoffs.  In fact, I can’t think of a better way to end the regular season than by knocking Minnesota out and keeping AP out of the record books next Sunday.  Consider it one final “fuck you” from your superior neighbors to the east in 2012.  By the way, wouldn’t it be HILARIOUS if the Vikings or Bears ended up missing the playoffs because of Seattle’s fraudulent victory over the Packers in week 3?  Considering how irritating and smug all of their fans were afterwards, it seems like poetic justice.  Hey, maybe with your extra time in the offseason your teams can swap quarterbacks, so Christian Ponder (can’t hit open receivers) and Jay Cutler (always hits open defensive backs) can find creative ways to suck the life out of new fanbases.  Cross your fingers. 

By the way, Aaron Rodgers’s fiancé is hotter than Ponder’s wife.

Roddy White Suburban by 12

SEVENTH PLACE GAME: Current Black Presidents (8-5) vs Team Beaupre Jared Sucks (7-6)

So aside from the Packers’ total domination today, there was another awesome development in the NFL today when ESPN reported that Tim Tebow will most likely play for the Jaguars next season.  About damn time.  After the Broncos signed Peyton Manning, it was obvious that the best place for Tebow to land was Florida, where he can sell tickets, fill seats and provide an instant upgrade over Blaine Gabbert, but for some reason last summer Rex Ryan felt like he needed to trade for Tebow instead and let one of the league’s most exciting players rot on the bench behind Mark “three turnovers or your money back” Sanchez. So congrats to Tim on escaping the vortex of continual failure that is the New York Jets.  May you lead Jacksonville to unprecedented heights next year, perhaps four or even five wins.  You consistently give me material to write about, and for that Timmy, I thank you.  The Chode Picks haven’t been the same with you on the bench.

NINTH PLACE GAME: Chode’s All Stars (3-10) vs The Nation of Israel Idonije (2-11)

That’s right, motherfuckers.  It’s finally here.  The day I’ve been dreaming about all season.  The one glorious Sunday where I can finally put this season behind me, and better yet, do so by claiming my first-ever (consolation) FANTASY FOOTBALL PLAYOFF CHAMPIONSHIP, WOOOOO!!!!!!  Say what you want about the regular season, just know that I finished the year as a winner.  Special thanks to Colin Kaepernick for helping me salvage my season.  I’d also like to take this moment to announce that I am officially breaking up with my fantasy quarterback of the past two years, Eli Manning.  And we are never, ever, ever getting back together (nope, not linking to that song either).  Eli, I’m deleting your number.  Don’t call me, don’t text me and I don’t care how far you fall in next year’s fantasy draft, I am not taking your sorry ass back again.  Colin is my quarterback now, and we’re very happy together.

Chode’s All Stars by 7

Oh by the way, I won my playoff game in my other league this week too, setting up a rematch with the jackass who beat me last week for another consolation championship.  Time for a little payback.  Double or nothing on the Everclear shot.  Deal?  Deal.

LAST PLACE GAME: No Names vs Red Hot Chodey Peppers

In the spirit of this game, and because I have absolutely nothing to say about it, here’s a list of things that I hate for no particular reason:

-       Country music

-       Christmas music

-       Country Christmas music

-       People who wear sweaters over a dress shirt and tie

-       That color halfway in between blue and purple

-       Dubstep

-       The phrase “epic fail”

-       Hippies

-       People who are intolerant of other people’s cultures

-       The Dutch

That is all.

No Names by 30

Final thoughts before I wrap it up:

-       Seahawks win!!  Green Bay is now in the driver’s seat for a first-round playoff bye.  You know, because that worked out so well for us last season.

-       The biggest reason I’m glad about finals week being over?  I don’t have to see everyone’s stupid, self-pitying Facebook statuses about how unprepared they are for finals.  Nobody feels sorry for you.  Shut up and go study.

-       Considering how well Adrian Peterson and Ricky Rubio have played coming off of ACL surgery, maybe the Twins should go ahead and wreck Joe Mauer’s knee just to be safe.

Ah, screw it.  Merry Christmas.

- Chode Out.

Chode Picks – Week 15

Some things are bigger than sports.  I know we all like to pretend that football games are a life-or-death situation, but every now and then we’re faced with the kind of tragedy that makes us take a step back and re-evaluate what’s really important in life.  These horrific events send shockwaves throughout the country, as we all struggle to deal with the fallout and devastation left behind.  By now you’ve probably gathered that I’m talking about the disaster that struck in Madison, this past week, when Wisconsin defensive coordinator Chris Ash and defensive line coach Charlie Partridge left UW to join Benedict Bret at the University of Arkansas.  It’s difficult for me to even think, much less write about this topic in the wake of the unspeakable carnage that has wracked the Badger coaching staff in the past two weeks, but I feel like I owe it to you, dear readers, to help you get through these difficult times by publishing another edition of the Chode Picks.  First though, I’d like us all to observe a moment of silence for the demise of the Wisconsin coaching tree.

(……………………….)

Thank you.  The Picks must go on.

On a much more positive note, the Green Bay Packers came back from a surprising 14-point deficit against the Detroit Lions last Sunday to improve to 9-4 on the season.  Combined with Chicago’s embarrassing loss to Adrian Peterson last week, this puts the Pack in position to lock up the NFC North title with a win over the suddenly punchless Bears at Soldier Field tomorrow.  I’ll admit that I had my doubts about Green Bay’s chance at winning the division after a dismal 2-3 start to the season, especially when Chicago ran out to a 7-1 start at midseason, but it appears that order and sanity has finally been restored to the NFC North pecking order.  Well, except for the Lions.  I have absolutely no idea what happened to them this year.  Anyways, I probably should have seen this coming, since there was a very good reason that the Bears won 7 out of their first 8 games: sheer, dumb luck.  Seriously.  In the first half of the season, Chicago scored seven defensive touchdowns, and appeared poised to shatter the single-season record of nine.  In the five games since then however, they’ve recorded exactly zero defensive touchdowns and suffered four defeats.  Now I suppose you could make the argument that the Bears’ early defensive scoring was more a product of smart play and talent rather than luck, but then I’d have to counter with the argument that no it wasn’t, and you’re a fucking moron.  Regardless, I don’t expect Chicago to be able to summon up enough good fortune to seriously challenge Rodgers’ crew tomorrow, especially with Clay Matthews back in action.  Ring up another concussion for Jay Cutler.

Packers by 14

CHAMPIONSHIP BRACKET SEMIFINALS:

Stafford Infection (6-7) vs Dalton’s Red Zone (8-5)

Another thing I forgot to mention about the upcoming Packer-Bear game: Jermichael Finley.  More specifically, the stupid things that come out of Jermichael Finley’s mouth.  Earlier this week, the drop-happy tight end claimed that the Bears’ defense was “probably better off without” Brian Urlacher.  You know, the same Brian Urlacher who’s played in eight Pro Bowls (important note: Jermichael has yet to make one Pro Bowl) and acts as the quarterback of Chicago’s defense.  The next day, Urlacher’s teammate Lance Briggs fired back, saying about Finley: “he’s an idiot”.  Well, I never thought I’d write this, but Mr. Briggs, I could not agree with you more.  Normally I’d suggest that the Packers trade Finley for a draft pick, but unfortunately the rest of the league caught on to the fact that his hands turned to stone two years ago.  So Jermichael, if you’re reading this (you’re not), please keep your damn mouth shut until your contract is up and we can all pretend that you were never part of this team.

Sincerely,

Every Single Packer Fan

Dalton’s Red zone by 14

ABC – It’s Easy as RG3 (10-3) vs I’m thinking RBs (7-6)

This is why you don’t rely on a rookie running quarterback to carry your fantasy team.  Because when he gets hurt in week 14 and forces you to throw Philip Rivers into your starting lineup for the fantasy playoffs, you’re all kinds of fucked.  RG3’s injury was the dominant story of the NFL week, even edging out the breaking Adrian Peterson human growth hormone scandal for the top slot on SportsCenter this evening.  America loves this dude.  But if he keeps getting hurt at this pace and never learns to avoid the hard hits, he’ll never fulfill his potential and in all likelihood end up as the next Michael Vick (minus the dog-murdering business).  Regardless, I’m rooting for the Redskins for the rest of the season, because they’re the only team standing between the New York Giants and an NFC East title.  And as I’ve written about before, the Giants scare the piss out of me. 

I’m thinking RBs by 6

Well, it’s 9:16 PM on a Saturday night, I’ve been studying all day, and my roommate just reminded me that if I’m writing the Chode Picks, I’m required to be at least buzzed.  Damn it all.  I was really going to try and stay sober for a two-week period until finals were over, but for the past four nights now my friends have been finding creative ways to fill me with booze instead.  Anyways, since my exams don’t start until Tuesday, and I only need to score 50% or higher on three of them (thank you Past Quilling, for kicking ass on the previous exams), looks like I’m taking a half-hour break to get suitably drunk.  Screw it, I don’t know why I was studying anyways when the world is ending in less than a week.  See you back here in a bit. 

And we’re back!  I feel much better.  Time to write about the part of the fantasy season that absolutely NOBODY cares about, the playoff consolation bracket.  First up…

Mondolockdown (10-3) vs Current Black Presidents (8-5)

First of all, congratulations to Brandon Mondlock for becoming the first #1 seed in league history to lose to the eighth seed in the first round of the playoffs.  Truly an outstanding effort.  I’ll do my best not to rub it in your face next week, but I can’t make any promises.  By the way, that reminds me of another #1 seed that lost a playoff series in the NBA this past summer: the Chicago Bulls.  Oh shit Brandon, you’re a Bulls fan too, aren’t you?  Well, I’ll be damned.  What are the odds?  At this point, I’m sure you’ve grown accustomed to continued disappointment and heartbreak anyways, so it probably came as no surprise when your fantasy title hopes were torn to shreds faster than the ligaments in Derrick Rose’s knee.  Damn, that was a fantastic metaphor.  High five for myself. 

Current Black Presidents by 1

Roddy White Suburban (8-5) vs Team Beaupre Jared Sucks (7-6)

So I’m sitting here writing, listening to my roommates and a couple of friends talk about all of the possible doomsday scenarios that could wipe us off of the face of the Earth on Friday (you know, that whole retarded Mayan apocalypse thing) and I can’t help but be reminded of another ridiculously dumb quote that my close friend Sobe gave me last week, which went as follows.

Sobe: So I found out last night that my friend’s dad was a pro hockey player.

Chode: Oh really?

Sobe: Yeah, he played in the NFC.

Chode: Ummm… the NFC?  You sure?

Sobe: Yeah, the National… wait that’s not it.  The NHC?

Chode: (laughing)

Sobe: Please don’t write about this.

I’m sorry friend.  I really am.  Maybe you shouldn’t talk about sports.  Just sit there and stare at the game on TV with a confused look on your face like most other girls.  Also, I’m blaming our recent spell of shitty weather completely on you.  I don’t know why you were so damn eager for snow to get here for the winter, but I assume you’ve learned your lesson now that we all have to walk to class in the freezing cold with soaking wet feet (especially for us men folk, who apparently aren’t allowed to wear comfortable furred boots without being ridiculed).  As for the rest of you that wanted a white Christmas, I hope you’re happy now, damn it.  That was incredibly short-sighted of you. 

Roddy White Suburban by 4

Instead of breaking down the matchups in our double consolation bracket (in which Nate, Levi, Will and myself are locked in a vicious battle for 9^th place), I’m just going to go ahead and award myself the consolation championship for the season. If any of you other three have a problem with it, let me know in the comments below, and we’ll reconcile it with a cagefight to the death (which by the way, is how I settle most of my arguments).  Also, the 9^th place finish marks the end of my best fantasy football season in three years.  So hooray for me. 

Well, I think I’m gonna have to call it a wrap for this week’s edition.  My apologies to all of you who were expecting a longer version from me this week.  I promise that once my exams are over I’ll be able to put some more time and effort into it  A couple more thoughts before I shut it down:

-       You’re an asshole, Garrison.  I was going to shut my team down for the week and let you win in the other fantasy league, but then I checked on your fantasy team name, and I have henceforth decided that you deserve no such sense of satisfaction or happiness for the rest of the season.  I hope you trip over your gown and fall face-forward off of the stage at graduation tomorrow.  Also, we should put a bet on this matchup before the games start tomorrow.  Loser takes a shot of Everclear.  Deal?  Deal.

-       Congrats to my friends Jon, Caitlin and the jackass mentioned above for graduating this weekend.

-       Build a man a fire and he’s warm for the night.  Set a man on fire and he’s warm for the rest of his life.

-       Sorry, I don’t have a video for you all this week.  Somebody bail me out and post one.

- Chode Out.

Chode Picks – Week 14

They didn’t listen.  Not even a little.  All season long, I tried to warn them.  I tried to explain how the Wisconsin Badgers were the best team in the Big Ten, despite the five gut-wrenching losses that we had endured throughout the regular season.  I tried to tell them about how our football team had improved throughout the season, going from a low-scoring, dysfunctional squad to the finely tuned offensive machine that was on display last weekend in Indianapolis.  And still, the sportswriters, analysts, coaches and pundits remained convinced that Wisconsin had no chance in hell against the mighty Nebraska Cornhuskers.  Content to rely on their computers and “BCS rankings” rather than their eyes and brains, the sports world had effectively written the Badgers off and penciled us in to the TaxSlayer.com Gator Bowl.  Until that glorious night in Indiana, when Curt’s arm, James’s speed, Melvin’s elusiveness, and Montee’s balls changed everything.  Hold on a second.  I’m going to see if I can capture the essence of the two events that rocked the college football landscape this past week in a single sentence…

YEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHH, THE BADGERS ARE BIG TEN CHAMPIONS ONCE AGAIN AND WE STILL OWN THOSE INBRED HICKS FROM NEBRASKA, but DAMN IT ALL BIELEMA WHY THE HELL DID YOU HAVE TO STAB US IN THE BACK YOU ASSHOLE!?!?!?!

Yup, I think that covers it pretty concisely.  But just for fun, I’m going to break down my trip to Indy last weekend, because it was probably the most fun I’ve had all year, even including the party bus trip to Lambeau in November.  First of all, I want to let you know that despite not being home to a major college campus, Indianapolis is a pretty damn fun town.  The people are nice, everything important is within walking distance, the bars are awesome (including Tiki Bob’s, which gets the Chode Seal of Approval as the Best Bar in the Midwest), and there are cougars EVERYWHERE.  Seriously.  I guess that’s what happens when you don’t have a large university to supply the party.  No complaints here.  As for the contest itself, I think my fellow Badger fans would agree that it was by far the most fun game of the season.  Being in Lucas Oil Stadium with a split crowd gave it a bowl-like atmosphere, which made it even more awesome when we jumped out to a 42-10 halftime lead (Side note: by the end of the first quarter, all of the older Nebraska fans absolutely HATED us, mostly due to our collective inability to be gracious and show good sportsmanship.  Whatever.  Deal with it, Huskers.  Our Red is bigger than yours.).  In short, the game itself was basically one giant three-hour long Badger victory party, and it convinced me that I need to go back to Indy whenever our football team gives me the chance.  And despite the 48-hour drinking binge that we subjected ourselves to, everyone in our group made it back to Madison in one piece (Well, except for my friend Eric who managed to get his reproductive organs stuck in a vacuum on Friday night.  Don’t ask.).

Unfortunately, the sense of bliss felt by Badger Nation was short-lived.  On Tuesday afternoon, we were blindsided by reports that Bret Bielema, a man who led us to three consecutive Big Ten championships and was THIS CLOSE to stepping out of Barry Alvarez’s shadow, was bailing on us for a bigger payday in Fayetteville, Arkansas.  Son of a bitch.  The news was met with mixed reactions in Madison, a combination of shock, disbelief, betrayal, anger, sadness, and even glee for the small contingent of fans who still didn’t believe in him.  Personally, I was stunned and dejected by Bret’s decision, mostly because he had been leading us for the formative years of my Badger fanhood.  I may have grown up under Alvarez, but I came of age under Bielema (insert your own homosexual innuendo here).  I hate to admit it, but I’ll miss you, Bret.  I’ll miss your recruiting, your boldness, your inability to pull starters during blowouts, your god-awful clock management skills, and your constant, self-assured arrogance.  I’ll miss your sharp red blazers and khaki slacks, I’ll miss your Hawkeye tattoo, I’ll miss your receding hairline and expanding waistline, and I’ll miss your musk.  Now with all of that being said, I hope you don’t win a single damn bowl game with the Razorbacks.  I hope we meet you in the Capital One Bowl next year and pound your rich, smirking ass into the turf.  Best of luck in the $EC, God knows you’ll need it.  It’s the one part of the country where your confidence and recruiting skills won’t mean a damn thing when Nick Saban, Mark Richt and Les Miles are going after the same kids, mostly because they’ve actually won BCS games.  Also, you’re going to be at an enormous disadvantage when it comes to game management.  Saban coaches like a serial killer.  You coach like a drunk driver.  Both deadly, but one is far more efficient. 

Anyways, now that The Coach Who Shall Not Be Named has left Madison, Wisconsin Athletic Director/Living Legend Barry Alvarez has a lot on his plate.  I’m sure you all heard that Barry agreed to take on the formidable task of leading the Badgers to their first Rose Bowl victory since 2001 after Curt Phillips and Mike Taylor approached him earlier this week and asked for his guidance in Pasadena.  Personally, I couldn’t be more excited about watching him prowl the sidelines one last time on New Year’s Day.  You couldn’t make this shit up, it’s like something out of a sports movie.  And unfortunately for Stanford, this particular movie is going to end with the Badgers bringing the Hammer of Alvarez down on the hapless Cardinal.  To put it simply, Barry doesn’t lose Rose Bowls, and he’s about to become the first coach to claim four Rose Bowl championships in three seasons.  It’s also worth noting that Alvarez was inducted into the College Football Hall of Fame in 2010 (two years AFTER the Chode’s name made it’s way into the Hall, by the way), making this the first time that a Hall of Fame member will be coaching in a BCS game.

After bringing home the hardware from Pasadena, Barry’s next priority will be finding a new head coach.  It shouldn’t be too hard, considering the consistent success that the program has enjoyed over the past two decades.  Unfortunately, Alvarez has already stated that he won’t pursue former offensive coordinator Paul Chryst, since he just started coaching at Pitt this year, and unlike that fucker who went to Arkansas, Barry actually has enough class to respect Chryst’s commitment.  So since Chryst and Dave Doeren are off the table, there’s really only one logical choice to take the reins next season: me.  That’s right, I said it.  After a five-year sabbatical from my time in the coaching ranks, I’m ready to lead the Wisconsin Badgers to unprecedented heights.  I plan on submitting my resume to the athletic offices later this week, and I think my accomplishments speak for themselves.  During three seasons as a head coach in the Dunn County Parks and Recreation Youth Flag Football League, I complied a flawless record of 18-0, with three league championships.  I attribute this success to superior game planning, ingenious play calling, and the fact that our high school football coach was kind enough to put his son and all of his talented friends on my team’s roster.  Also, I once led the Wisconsin Badgers to five consecutive national championships in NCAA Football ’05 for Playstation 2, so I think that proves that I’ve mastered our offensive system.  Last but not least, I’m very photogenic, I look good in red, and I have a winning smile.  Did I mention that I’m in the College Football Hall of Fame?  Case closed.  Mr. Alvarez, I await your call.

In the unlikely event that Barry doesn’t pick me to take over the program, I think we’ll probably hire Seahawks offensive coordinator and former UW quarterback Darrell Bevell, or just promote current defensive coordinator Chris Ash.  Either one would be a solid choice.  And to be honest, I’m actually glad we’re not trying to bring Paul Chryst back, for one reason: Matt Millen thinks we should hire Chryst.  And Matt Millen (architect of the Detroit Lions’ record setting 0-16 season) hasn’t made a sound football decision in decades.

On an unrelated note, congratulations to the Minnesota Golden Gophers on accepting a bid to the Meineke Car Care Bowl of Texas.  Remember when you guys used to have a good football program?  Yeah, neither do I. 

Enough about college football.  PICKS INCOMING!!

Current Black Presidents (8-5) vs Dalton’s Red Zone (8-5)

Holy shit, the playoffs started this week?  Damn.  I honestly had no idea.  Well, good season I guess, since my team’s playoff hopes went down in flames sometime around week 9.  Maybe next year.  But probably not.  Anyways, I don’t think I can pick against Jared this week, since he’s on a five-game winning streak.  Also, I don’t want to pick against him, since he’s my only ally in my NBA fandom, a devoted disciple of the Miami Heat.  The Heat ended their brief, 2-game losing streak tonight with a victory over the New Orleans Hornets.  And in case you don’t pay attention to the NBA (you really should, it’s a hell of a lot more entertaining than baseball), Tom Benson, owner of both the New Orleans Saints and Hornets, decided to change his basketball’s team name to the Pelicans next season.  Yup, that’s right.  The New Orleans Pelicans.  Beautiful.  The best part about this is that the Hornets/Pelicans have the best rookie center the league has seen in two decades in Anthony Davis, which means that in six or seven years, when Dwyane Wade is retired and LeBron is past his prime, there will be a team named the Pelicans competing for an NBA title behind Davis and his fearsome unibrow. 

Dalton’s Red Zone by 10

ABC-It’s Easy as RG3 (10-3) vs Team Beaupre Jared Sucks (7-6)

I’m not sure how you snuck your sorry ass into the playoffs Mike, but don’t worry, your bid for a fantasy title will be over quickly.  Let’s be honest.  We all know that Dave’s team is head and shoulders above the rest of the league, and barring a catastrophe, he’s going to take home the hardware this season.  Arian Foster and Doug Martin are scoring machines, Griffin is a freak and the rest of his roster is good enough to get the job done.  And yes, I’m writing this entire paragraph in a blatant attempt to jinx his team.  In all sincerity, I hope he loses by 100. 

ABC-It’s Easy as RG3 by eleventy billion

Stafford Infection (6-7) vs Mondolockdown (10-3)

In case you haven’t been paying attention, Johnny Capitalism from Texas A&M just won the Heisman trophy, becoming the first freshman to win college football’s most prestigious honor.  I can’t say I’m surprised, considering he was going up against a linebacker and a no-talent quarterback from Kansas State.  Unfortunately for Johnny though, he’s now going to fall victim to the Curse of Montee Ball, meaning that the year after a record-setting season, you’re almost guaranteed to have much less impressive stats the next year.  But damn, can you imagine what it must feel like to win the Heisman trophy at 20 years old?  Ridiculous.  I suppose we’ll probably have to wait at least a full year to see it happen again when Melvin Gordon takes it home next fall (Just to be clear, I’m starting up the Melvin Gordon for Heisman bandwagon right now.  Jump on while there’s still room.)  Hey, speaking of Badgers, since I haven’t written enough about my school this week…

Mondolockdown by 6

Roddy White Suburban (8-5) vs I’m thinking RBs (7-6)

The Wisconsin Men’s Basketball team continued their recent stretch of futility with an embarrassing 10-point loss to Marquette last night.  Sometime during the first half, it became glaringly obvious that the Badgers just don’t have the athleticism to keep up with teams like the Golden Eagles.  We finished the first half with a whopping total of 20 points, and managed to do slightly better in the second period, bringing our final score to a still-pathetic sum of 50.  Worse than the actual beatdown on the court though, was being forced to listen to those jack-offs in the Marquette student section all game long.  I realize that most of them are bitter because they couldn’t get into UW for undergrad, but was it really necessary to chant “Fuck the Badgers” all for 60 minutes on national TV?  And then just to prove even more deeply how much they wish they could switch places with us, they went ahead and played Jump Around at the end of the game.  So to summarize, despite their superior basketball team, Marquette is still (and always will be) UW’s inbred cousin.  Go ahead and wave around your “Better Dead Than Red” signs all you want, just know that if you spend enough time in downtown Milwaukee, that’s exactly how you’ll end up.  Just like Rick Majerus (Too soon?  I don’t care, fuck you Marquette).  Also, we still can’t hear you over here in Madison because OUR EARS ARE FULL OF ROSES!!

Roddy White Suburban by 13

Also, I’d like to point out that the famed “Curse of the Breuser” is alive and well in Madison, considering that Mike Bruesewitz sat out last night’s loss with a concussion.  In case you’re new to the Chode Picks, the Curse of the Breuser refers to the bad karma brought on Bo Ryan’s squad by the floppy-haired forward two years ago when he spilled my drink all over me at a bar and not only failed to buy me a new one, but stared me right in the face and then walked away without even apologizing.  Since that fateful evening, the Badgers have failed to advance past the sweet sixteen or win a Big Ten Championship.  And until that ginger asshole either finds me or brings me a new gin and tonic, the curse lives on.

Oh shit, I completely forgot to write about the ass-kicking that the Packers put on Minnesota last week.  Wow.  I guess that’s how one-sided this rivalry has gotten, it doesn’t even count as a noteworthy event anymore when we beat the Vikings.  So just this once, I’ll spare you my excessive taunting, because let’s be honest; you know you’re inferior, and there’s no real need to rub it in.  Anyways, expect more of the same tonight from the Pack against the struggling Detroit Lions.  And I swear if Ndamukong Suh tries to kick Rodgers in the crotch, I’m going to burn Ford Field to the ground.  Just kidding.  But seriously Suh, stay away from my quarterback, damn it.

Barry Alvarez for president.

- Chode Out.