Chode Picks - NBA Finals 2013

………. sssssshhhhhhhhhhhhh………………………

Do you hear it?  Listen closely, my friends.  Turn your ears to the east and west.  That’s the eastern conference, laid to rest once again.  That’s Brandon Jennings, he of the “we’re gonna win in six” prediction.  That’s Joakim Noah, who said “we’re not afraid of Miami” and “they’re Hollywood as hell”.  That’s Tom Thibodeau, silently trying to remember how his roster of contenders fell apart once again this season.  That’s Roy Hibbert, no longer spewing profanities and slurs in postgame conferences.  That’s Tyler Hansbrough, hiding in a corner to keep the Birdman from finding him in a dark alley.  That’s David West plotting his next free-agent contract.  That’s Frank Vogel, no longer accusing his opponents of flopping because he knows his team isn’t good enough to beat them anyways.  That’s Carmelo Anthony snorting lines of cocaine that would put Whitney Houston to shame.  That’s Mikhail Prokhorov deciding which men on his roster will be executed this offseason.  That’s Kevin Garnett and Paul Pierce slipping quietly into retirement.  That’s Kevin Durant, sobbing and watching highlights of the 2012 Western Conference Finals on repeat.  That’s Dwight Howard plotting an escape from his second team in two years.  That’s Bill Simmons, Magic Johnson, Skip Bayless and every other media pundit who declared that the Pacers would advance to the NBA Finals for the first time in almost three decades.  That’s Paul George, silent because he realizes he was beaten fair and square by a smaller, but more skilled man than himself.  That’s Lance Stephenson, silent because he doesn’t know how to read or write.  That’s the glorious sound of America’s collective mouth… closed.  Do you know why?  Of course you do.  It’s because… hold on.  Let me savor this for a minute.

THE PACERS ARE OUT OF THE PLAYOFFS!!  THE PACERS ARE OUT OF THE PLAYOFFS!!  THE HEAT HAVE DEFEATED THE EASTERN CONFERENCE FOR, COUNT ‘EM, THREE YEARS IN A ROW!!  THE LEBRONCORE IS NEARLY COMPLETE!!  NOBODY ELSE STANDS A CHANCE!!  TIM DUNCAN IS THIRTY FREAKIN’ SEVEN YEARS OLD!!  FRANK VOGEL AND GREGG POPOVICH HAVE MALE PATTERN BALDNESS!!  JOHN DILLINGER WAS BORN IN INDIANA, WHICH MEANS BEING KILLED AT THIRTY-ONE YEARS OLD WAS ONLY THE SECOND WORST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO HIM!!   OVER THE PAST THREE SEASONS, THE BADGERS HAVE OUTSCORED THE HOOSIERS 204-41 IN FOOTBALL!!  FEED ME YOUR TEARS, INDIANA!!!!

Whew.  That felt good.  I gotta be honest with all of you, I enjoy being a Heat fan nearly as much as I enjoy being a Packer fan, for one simple reason: when the rest of the country is actively rooting for your team to lose, it makes winning that much sweeter.  And now, as everyone else hops on the Spurs bandwagon, only one team stands between us and complete dominance of the basketball world.  But I’ll get to them in a minute.  Time to write about the lesser playoffs of the National Hockey League.

PITTSBURGH PENGUINS vs BOSTON BRUINS

Well, this is kind of poor timing.  But no matter how many times I ask, the NHL refuses to match the timing of its playoff series to the Chode Picks.  So I guess I’ll go ahead and make a pick even though Boston is up 3-0.  Which sucks, because I really despise Boston sports teams.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s a very nice city, but something about Tom Brady, Bill Belichick, Kevin Garnett and Rajon Rondo just makes me want to hate the Bruins as well.  Oh, and there’s the Red Sox too.  Fuck the Red Sox.  You know what?  I’m gonna make a genius out of myself at their expense.  Upset special.

Penguins in seven.

CHICAGO BLACKHAWKS vs LOS ANGELES KINGS

Let’s be honest here.  We all know who really wins this series: Kings fans, because they don’t have to go back and live in Chicago after the game.  Worst city in the world.  Except for maybe Detroit.  And Cleveland.  And Baghdad.  But you get the point.  Hey speaking of the middle east, The Dictator is on Netflix now.  I suggest you watch it.  Personally, I thought it was better than Borat.  Unless you’re the easily offended, politically-correct type.  In that case, I don’t know why you’re still reading the Chode Picks.  Anyways, there’s a hockey series going on between the Blackhawks and the Kings, and unfortunately, Chicago is probably going to win.  I suppose that’s a consolation prize for the combined suckitude of the Bears, Bulls and Cubs.  T-minus two weeks until Pat Kane is snorting cocaine off of the Stanley Cup.  ‘Merica.

Blackhawks in six

In college football news, Ohio State President Gordon Gee announced his retirement this week, which is a damn shame, because even though he worked for UW’s public enemy #1, he consistently provided the best quotes in the Big Ten.  Two years ago, when TCU was picked to go to the Rose Bowl, Gee claimed that the Buckeyes were a better team because “we don’t play the little sisters of the poor” (and we won’t discuss what happened in the Rose Bowl that year”.  Then last week when he was asked about the possibility of Notre Dame joining the Big Ten, he responded by saying “those damn Catholics can’t be trusted”.  And when asked about the SEC’s dominance in college football, he replied with “when the SEC learns how to read and write, maybe they’ll understand what we’re doing up here”.  Bravo, Gordon.  In fact, I’d like to personally invite him to apply for the position of chancellor at UW-Madison.  Otherwise, Gordon Gee for President in 2016. 

Okay.  Time to get to the final act of the 2012-2013 NBA season, the colossal showdown between the three kings of South Beach and the three amigos of San Antonio.  Time to put the Spurs to rest for good, and prove wrong all the haters who said a team built around Birdman and Rashard Lewis would never win an NBA title.  Time for me to spend a few paragraphs converting you all into Heat fans.  Maybe.

NBA FINALS: MIAMI HEAT vs SAN ANTONIO SPURS

It’s been a long road, but we’re finally here.  Somehow, the overmatched, undersized Miami Heat found a way to steal four games from the heavily favored Pacers, leaving them with the unenviable task of taking down the most successful team of the past two decades in San Antonio.  Now, I know many of you are probably already writing off this underdog Miami squad as more fodder for the Spurs dynasty, but hear me out.  First of all, Tony Parker is French.  You don’t really want to see a French dude beat a bunch of Americans, do you?  No, no you don’t.  Secondly, Gregg Popovich may be a brilliant coach, but he’s ugly.  Ugly, ugly, ugly.  Last but not least, Tim Duncan is too damn old to be here.  He’s been playing since the days of short-shorts.  Nobody likes watching dudes play basketball in short-shorts.  I went to the veteran’s hospital in Madison today and I’m pretty sure I saw him drinking coffee and doing crossword puzzles.  Tim Duncan is so old, he owes Jesus five dollars.  Last but not least, Cleveland is rooting for the Spurs.  Do you really want to be on the same side as Cleveland?  Also, Aaron Rodgers is a Heat fan.  So if you’re a fan of Aaron Rodgers, you’re also a Heat fan.  That’s just how it works. (Unfortunately, Justin Bieber has also recently jumped on the Heat bandwagon.  Let’s all just agree to pretend like this never happened.)  And since the Heat won last year when I did this, I’m going to break down this year’s Finals position by position.

POINT GUARD: Tony Parker vs Mario Chalmers

One of these men is creative, thoughtful and team-oriented.  The other is Mario Chalmers.  Tony Parker lives in a world where the best play is a pass to a wide-open teammate for a layup or three-pointer, and his coach’s word is gospel.  Mario Chalmers lives in a world where he’s the best player on the court and it would be irresponsible for him not to shoot the basketball every time it touches his hands.  Mario Chalmers believes that gameplans are for the weak and incompetent, and unless the playcall is an isolation for himself, it is to be completely disregarded.  Mario Chalmers has no idea Erik Spoelstra even exists.  I fully expect him to be traded before his contract is up in favor of Norris Cole.  But he does play good defense.

ADVANTAGE: SPURS

SHOOTING GUARD: Manu Ginobli vs Dwyane Wade

Well, if it was still 2008, this would be a matchup for the ages.  Unfortunately, injuries have robbed both of these guys of their customary playmaking skills.  Luckily though, I think Wade is in better shape than Ginobli.  I honestly believe he was sandbagging it for most of the Pacers series and finally kicked it into gear in game 7 when the Heat needed him.  And I think he’s got enough left in the tank to be the second-best player on the court for one series.  Ginobli on the other hand, looks like he should be playing pickup ball at the YMCA.  Also, he’s from Argentina, so it would be borderline treasonous to give the edge to San Antonio here.  USA!!  USA!!

ADVANTAGE: HEAT

SMALL FORWARD: Kahwi Leonard vs LeBron James

Bahahahahaha.  I’m Rick James, bitch.  I wish I had more hands, so I could give Kawhi Leonard four thumbs down.  Fuck your couch.

ADVANTAGE: HEAT

POWER FORWARD: Udonis Haslem/Shane Battier/Chris Andersen vs  Tiago Splitter/Matt Bonner

Neither of these teams use a true power forward, so I just listed all of the guys that rotate through on both side.  Last year I would have given the edge to the Spurs here, but the addition of Birdman tilts the scale in favor of Miami.  He’s been unreal in the playoffs this year.  It’s gotten to the point where I don’t know why he’s not starting over Haslem.  On the other hand, I’m almost certain he’s going to get kicked out of at game for trying to fight Tiago Splitter.  The guy absolutely loses his mind at least once a game.  I spent five minutes the other day trying to think of an NBA player that I would be more afraid to fight, and I came up empty.  And yes, I realize that I would absolutely hate Chris Andersen if he played for any team other than mine*. 

ADVANTAGE: HEAT

CENTER: Tim Duncan vs Chris Bosh

Yes, I know Bosh played terrible last series.  Yes, I know Duncan made the Grizzlies’ frontcourt look like a bunch of high school freshmen last series.  Duncan is a surefire first-ballot hall of famer.  Bosh may never get there.  But I don’t care.  At some point, Bosh is going to realize that he’s nearly a decade younger than Tim, and he’s going to relentlessly attack the basket and get the old man into foul trouble, just like he did to Roy Hibbert in game seven.  And when that happens, the Spurs will be cooked.  However, until it gets to that point, San Antonio has the advantage.  Also, if the Spurs win this series and Tim gets his fifth title, he leapfrogs over Kobe and stakes his claim to the title of 8^th-best player of all time (behind Russell, MJ, Kareem, Magic, Wilt, Bird, Oscar and of course, someday LeBron).

ADVANTAGE: PUSH

COACHING: Gregg Popovich vs Erik Spoelstra

Let’s not talk about it.  This scares the piss out of me.

ADVANTAGE: SPURS

HOME COURT ADVANTAGE: HEAT

Now, before I break the suspense of who I’m picking in the series (I know you’re all on the edge of your seat), I want to make it clear that I respect the hell out of the Spurs.  It’s incredible how they’ve managed to be consistently successful for the past two decades.  I’ve never seen anything like it in my lifetime.  Hell, even the Packers had a couple of down years in the late 2000’s.  I legitimately enjoyed watching Duncan and company anesthetize the Lakers, Warrior and Grizzlies.  But I know at some point during game 1 tonight, I am going to develop a deep, deep hatred for all things silver and black.  It’s unavoidable.  I’m going to want to punch Timmy in his wrinkled face, and I’ll secretly be hoping Tony Parker cuts the wrong way and goes down in a crumpled heap at midcourt.  Do you know what this tells me?  That I am an awful person, and I care far too much about sporting events that I have no control over.  Regardless, my pick for the series comes down to one simple fact: when the Heat are truly motivated, nobody can stop them.  Nobody.

Heat in six.

Three final thoughts before I leave to go watch the Heat crush the Spurs:

-       Girls, putting a pretty shirt on over a muffin top does not make it a cupcake.

-       Thanks to all of you who’ve participated in this year’s Beer Bracket.  I’ve been deliberately voting last on each of the matchups every round because I don’t want you all to be swayed by my expert opinion, but so far you’ve pretty much nailed it (NAILED IT!!) anyways.  I’m not sure how we’re going to do the blind taste tests for the final four this year, but we’re definitely off to a good start, with one exception.  Somehow, 16^th-seeded Tecate nearly upset the #1 overall seed Paulaner Hefe-weizen in the first round.  What the hell is wrong with you people!?  I’m just gonna assume that many of you have never actually tried Paulaner and voted for Tecate despite the fact that Tecate tastes like a fat clown’s asshole.  So do yourself a favor and go buy a six-pack of Paulaner this weekend.  You won’t regret it.

-       This week’s edition of the Chode Picks was brought to you by Monster energy drink and Grave’s Grain Alcohol.  Follow me on Twitter @chodepicks.

* Ten pushups if you read that out loud

- Chode Out

Chode Picks - Conference Finals

Welcome back friends, on a gorgeous Thursday afternoon to the second edition of the 2013 NBA Playoff Chode Picks!  Finals are over, I’m unemployed for the next month and America’s Team, the Miami Heat are still rolling through their Midwest tour of destruction, so I’m here to rock your socks off for four to five pages of two-fingered typed bullshit.  Hold on tight.

EASTERN CONFERENCE FINALS: INDIANA PACERS VS MIAMI HEAT

YES!  That’s right.  Believe it or not, the gritty, undermanned Indiana Pacers were able to hang in there against the mighty New York Knicks and somehow advance to the Eastern Conference Finals.  And somehow the other underdog in the conference, the Miami Heat were able to sustain major injuries to Dwyane Wade, a vicious home-court advantage for the Bulls, and horribly one-sided refereeing from Joey Crawford (Oprah voice: You get a technical foul!  You get a technical foul!!  EVERYONE GETS A TECHNICHAL FOOOOUUL!!!!!), the shorthanded Heat found a way to steal four games against heavily favored Chicago.

Hold on a second.  Let me savor this…

THE BULLS ARE OUT OF THE PLAYOFFS!!  THE KNICKS ARE OUT OF THE PLAYOFFS!!  NEW YORK, WELCOME TO ANOTHER DECADE OF IRRELEVANCE!!  CHICAGO, WELCOME TO ANOTHER DECADE OF BEING SECOND-CLASS IN THE EASTERN CONFERENCE!!  TOM THIBODEAU STILL HAS NO IDEA HOW TO KEEP A TEAM HEALTHY!!  DERRICK ROSE IS THE HEALTHIEST MAN IN ILLINOIS, BUT HE’S TOO AFRAID TO PLAY AGAINST LEBRON!!  HE’S GOING TO BE THE ONLY MVP EVER TO NOT MAKE THE HALL OF FAME!!  JR SMITH WILL NEVER BE PART OF A REAL CHAMPIONSHIP CONTENDER!!  CARMELO IS A FAT, NON-CLUTCH VERSION OF DWYANE WADE!!  THE MIAMI HEAT ARE ABOUT TO GO UP THREE TO ZERO ON THE REST OF THE EASTERN CONFERENCE!! 

Bahahaha.  One side effect of a year’s worth of studying for medical school: I’m now convinced that Joakim Noah is suffering from polycystic ovary syndrome and Tom Thibodeau has dissecting cellulitis of the scalp with progressive alopecia.  Not that it matters, because they now both have enough free time in the offseason to deal with their issues.  Speaking of issues, the Bulls are fucked.  They’ve got approximately half of their salary cap tied up in Derrick Rose, Carlos Boozer and Joakim Noah, leaving them with one effective player and almost no money to recruit the free-agent they’ll need to compete with the Heat over the next five years.  Which leaves the title of second-best team in the East to the Indiana Pacers, who are about to experience the pain and disappointment that comes with being eliminated one step short of the NBA Finals.  I don’t care how impressive they looked dispatching the Knicks, the truth is, they’re way too offensively challenged to threaten my team this year.  I expect this series to be chippy, physical and highly contested… until Miami decides to shift into full-gear and bury the Pacers under an avalanche of highlight-reel dunks and three-pointers.  It’s just a matter of time.  At this point, the only drama left in the NBA postseason isn’t which team will take home the trophy, it’s how many games the Heat will need to claim their place as one of the greatest teams of all time.  Personally, I don’t think it will be more than eleven.  And even though most of the suspense is gone, trust me when I say that you should still watch the games, because someday your kids are going to ask you if you got to watch LeBron James, and it would be a damn shame if you missed it.  He’s playing chess on the NBA’s checkerboard.  The Heat’s dominance over the past two seasons makes me look back on the 2011 playoffs with a mixture of nostalgia and embarrassment, mostly because Erick Dampier and Mike Bibby were legitimate parts of the rotation at that point (Sweet Jesus, I forgot about Bibby.  He was actually our starting point guard for half the season.  Facepalm).  Anyways, that’s enough about the greatness of my favorite basketball team for one week.  More coming in five games, I promise.

Also, thank you Frank Vogel for benching your best defender on the last play in game 1.  Not that it would have mattered anyways.  The real reason Roy Hibbert was on the bench for the closing seconds is, ironically enough, the same reason that LeBron used to get ripped for “not being clutch”: his fantastic passing ability.  You see, if Hibbert stays in on that play, he has to leave his man to protect the rim as LeBron drives to the hoop, and LeBron, as we’ve seen him do so many times in the past, then hits a teammate for a wide-open shot.  It’s the dilemma that he puts on every coach unfortunate enough to face him in the playoffs, and more often than not, LeBron wins.  And no, I don’t get an erection when I type “LeBron James”.  Not every time, anyways.

Heat in five.

Halftime.  Time to write about hockey.  And since the Blackhawks are playing the other marquee team from the Midwest, we’ll start off with Detroit and Chicago.

DETROIT RED WINGS VS CHICAGO BLACKHAWKS

You know what?  I can almost sympathize with Blackhawks fans on this one.  Do you know why?  It’s because they have a horribly racist mascot.  And for my entire high school career, I also played for a team with an insensitive, politically-incorrect moniker: the Menomonie Indians.  And as much of an asshole as I might seem like for typing this, I loved it.  I’ll never forget sitting at a girls basketball game at Menomonie High chanting “Indians! Indians!  Scalp ‘em! Scalp em!”  Unfortunately, my alma mater’s logo was changed last year to the Menomonie Mustangs, a much less badass mascot.  The lesson as always; the loud, angry activist group will always get their way, despite your best efforts.  And just like the loud, angry activist group, the Red Wings will get their way in this series.  Good Lord, that was a terrible analogy.  Bear with me, I haven’t been this drunk since graduation (Hi, Mom!  I love you!).  Never chug vodka and Red Bull. 

Also, I may have given you all the wrong impression that I hate every team from Chicago.  That’s not exactly true.  I still recognize the 1985 Bears as one of the best teams ever to play in the NFL, and naturally I will also concede that Michael Jordan was the 2^nd-best basketball player ever to walk the earth.  Along the same lines, I won’t be upset if the Blackhawks win the Stanley Cup.  It’s not that I like them, I just despise them less than the Bears, Cubs and White Sox.  But Pat Kane is still a douche, no matter how much I secretly enjoyed watching him and his friends knock the Wild out of the playoffs at Chasers Bar and Grill last week.  Also, I like that song that plays when the Blackhawks score (DA DA DUM, DA DA DUM, DA DA DA DA DUM).

Red Wings in six.

Nah.  No more hockey.  One series was enough.  When one of the Florida teams moves to Wisconsin, I’ll pay more attention.

WESTERN CONFERENCE FINALS: MEMPHIS ASS GRIZZLIES VS SAN ANTONIO ASS SPURS

First of all, let me take a moment to remind you all that I told you so.  I told you that the Spurs were the best team in the West.  You didn’t listen.  I told you that Wardell Stephen Curry’s (yes, that’s his real name) hot shooting streak wouldn’t last against a brilliant defensive team like the Spurs.  You still didn’t listen.  I told you that the Grizzlies’ defense would tear apart Oklahoma City like a class 4 tornado (too soon? nope).  No matter.  You all watched how Gregg Popovich’s crew tore apart the vaunted Memphis defense in game 1.  And if you’re an astute observer, you recognized the Grizzlies for what they really are: a healthy version of the Chicago Bulls.  Yes they play great defense, but in today’s NBA, offense wins championships.  And despite the fact that Mike Conley is now unquestionably a better point guard than Derrick Rose, neither team would have a chance at winning an NBA title this year.  Don’t get me wrong, I admire Memphis for what they’ve been able to do this season, knocking out Chris “Point God” Paul and Kevin Durant in consecutive series, but they have a snowball’s chance in a cage fight against Mike Tyson in hell of beating San Antonio.  And this series will finally give me what I’ve been waiting for since 2010: a Heat-Spurs NBA Finals.  Yes.  You see, as an intelligent basketball fan, I can’t help but appreciate what San Antonio has done over the past few years, reinventing themselves around Tony Parker and Tim Duncan as a slash-and-kick offensive juggernaut that most NBA coaches have wet dreams about, and I can’t wait to see how they handle the invincible flying death machine that Pat Riley has assembled in South Beach.  But I’m getting ahead of myself.  We still have five more games to watch Parker and company dispose of America’s darlings, the Memphis Grizzlies.  Game.  Blouses.

Spurs in six.

Congratulations to the Cleveland Cavaliers on winning the NBA’s draft lottery tonight, giving them the chance to draft future All-Star Nerlens Noel with the first overall pick in June.  And congratulations to the Miami Heat for signing All-Star free agent Nerlens Noel in 2018.

It would be irresponsible of me if I failed to mention the greatest victory that the Minnesota Vikings have scored in the history of their sad, pathetic franchise this week: their new stadium plan, which almost assures that they won’t be forced to move to Los Angeles after all.  Touche Minnesota, for roping your sappy taxpayers into paying for a brand-new “state of the art” venue that looks like a giant turd.  Seriously.  I want to be the first one to capitalize on the obvious nickname for the proposed stadium: the Star Destroyer.  As in, it’s a place where football stars go to die.  Like Michael Bennett.  And Erasmus James.  And Percy Harvin.  And Gary Anderson.  And Emmitt Smith, Troy Aikman, Michael Irvin and company (Herschel Walker trade, look it up).  And eventually Adrian Peterson.  I cannot wait to watch Aaron Rodgers tear it up in that cursed building for the forseeable future.

Before I wrap it up this week, I need to share with you all a deep-rooted Madison tradition that I’ve been slacking on until now: the Beer Bracket.  You see, ever since my freshman year at UW, I’ve put together an annual competition to determine the greatest beer in the world, March Madness-style.  The contest is resolved by me and my friends voting on head to head matchups between 68 different beer brands every day until the final four, when blind taste tests are conducted by the finest of beer connoisseurs (yeah that’s right, I just spelled “connoisseurs” right on my first try).  Anyways, since I’ve been slacking on getting this year’s edition out, I’m opening it up to all of my readers.  From this point on, I will be posting four different matchups every day on the Chode Picks Facebook group and Twitter page.  There will be four different regionals: Wisconsin Brews, Domestic Brews, Foreign Brews  and Hangover Brews (shitty, cheap college beers).  Anyone and everyone can and is encouraged to cast their vote.  Previous winners are listed below:

2009: Leinenkugel’s Original

2010: New Glarus Spotted Cow

2011: Capital Brewery Island Wheat

2012: Paulaner Hefe-Weissbier

2013: Your choice

Two last notes: I was told on Sunday that writing a blog is “not very manly” from a bunch of undergrads.  Bull. Shit.  Thanks to Alex Fannin for defending my honor.

Also, it’s 2013.  It’s no longer acceptable for men to wear suspenders (unless of course, you’re at a Badger game).  Buy a damn belt.

Go Packers, Badgers, Brewers and Heat.  God Bless America.

- Chode Out.

Chode Picks – Quarterfinals

Hello again friends, and welcome to week two of the extraordinary EIGHTH season of the Chode Picks!!  Yeah that’s right, despite your repeated attempts to keep me from writing, I’m back.  So you can take your snotty comments and condescending suggestions that I should “take my life seriously” and shove them.  Then sit down and read for 5-10 minutes, depending on your literacy level.  You’re welcome.

First and foremost, I’d like to congratulate the winners of the 2013 NFL Draft: the Green Bay Packers.  If you only watched the first round, you might have gotten the impression that the St. Louis Rams or Minnesota Vikings won the draft, but I apologize if you were foolish enough to fall into the trap that Mel Kiper and Todd McShay set for you.  You see, the Rams made the ill-advised decision to trade two of their later picks so that they could trade up and take Tavon Austin, a wide receiver two inches shorter than me (and much less athletic, obviously) instead of making the right choice by replacing quarterback Sam Bradford with Austin’s more talented teammate, Geno Smith.  Likewise, Minnesota also passed on their chance to draft a quarterback of the future, instead stocking up on a couple of defenders and trading up to take another receiver, Cordarelle Patterson, who fits nicely into the long tradition of supremely talented Viking receivers who couldn’t catch a cold on Christmas in Duluth.  At least they proved me wrong and managed to avoid wasting a pick on Manti Te’o.  They did however, allow the best player in the draft to fall to the Packers at number 26 overall, Datone Jones (who will from this point on be referred to as DA TONESETTER!!).  Many thought the Pack would target a running back with their first round selection, but Ted Thompson wisely decided to hold off until the end of the second round, and it paid off in a big way when the best back in the draft was still available, Eddie Lacy. (I apologize if you’re a fan or friend of Montee Ball.  Or if you are Montee Ball.  Lacy just happens to be much bigger, faster and stronger, three things that make him more likely to be a good NFL player.  And sadly, we all know about Wisconsin’s terrible track record of producing starting-caliber NFL running backs.)  Also, it’s clear now that Minnesota’s long-term strategy is to keep stockpiling wide receivers, so that when Christian Ponder overthrows them over the middle and they get decapitated, they’ll have plenty in reserve.  Smart move.

Next, more congratulations are in order for King James after he took home his 4^th MVP award in five years, an accomplishment matched only by Bill Russell in NBA history.  LeBron captured 120 of a possible 121 first-place votes, with the only other vote going to Carmelo Anthony from some asshole in Boston who apparently stopped watching NBA games six years ago.  LeBron now sits two MVPs short of the all-time record of 6 set by Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, and I think he’ll pass that mark before he’s done.  Simply put, LeBron deserves the MVP every year.  And Defensive Player of the Year.  And Most Improved Player.  And Coach of the Year.  And Rookie of the Year.

Next up (unfortunately), the NHL playoffs started last week.  But since I’m more interested in the Kontinental Hockey League (Go CSKA!), we’ll skip to the only series that matters…

CHICAGO BLACKHAWKS VS MINNESOTA WILD

This is the kind of series that makes me root for the stadium to collapse on both teams.  Kind of like Ohio State-Michigan or Vikings-Bears.  But I need to congratulate the Blackhawks on their impressive 24-game winning streak earlier in the season.  Wait, what’s that?  They didn’t win 24 games in a row?  They just avoided losing?  Oh alright, well 24 wins or ties in a row is still pretty damn good.  Hold on a sec.  You mean to tell me they actually LOST three of those games in overtime?  And their longest actual winning streak was only 11?  Well then what the hell was the big deal?  Regardless, gotta go with the Hawks on this one.  They’ve been too impressive all season.

Blackhawks in seven.

Anyways, let’s get to the NBA matchups.  I’ve got finals to study for, so I apologize if this edition is a little short or late in the week.  You know, the worst thing about finishing your first year of medical school is the moment when you realize that if you had decided to be a pharmacist instead of a real doctor, you’d already be done with school.  Oh well.  Wasn’t quite ready to leave this city anyways.

EASTERN CONFERENCE SEMIFINALS:

NEW YORK KNICKS VS INDIANA PACERS

I know it’s cheating to pick these after game 1 is already over but hey, this is my blog and I get to make the rules.  And if that means I was probably going to take the Knicks until they shit the proverbial bed at home yesterday against the Pacers, so be it.  By the way, take a guess how much it costs to watch a playoff basketball game in Indiana.  I’ll wait.  I checked StubHub for game 5 tickets of the Hawks-Pacers series last round, and they were going off at the ridiculous price of $3.  Yup.  Three fucking dollars.  And for the measly price of $28, you could get yourself lower-level seats.  I may be wrong, but I’m guessing Colts preseason tickets are more expensive than that.  Maybe I’ll luck out, the Pacers will beat the Knicks and I can take a trip to Indy to watch the Eastern Conference Finals on the cheap.

Pacers in six.

MIAMI HEAT VS CHICAGO BULLS

… damn it.

I had this section all written up Monday afternoon.  It was all about how the Heat were going to cruise their way to another sweep over a depleted Chicago squad.  I was going to rip Derrick Rose some more for not playing, praise LeBron, write some insulting things about Tom Thibodeau and wrap it all up with an ultra-cocky “Heat in three” prediction.  Then game 1 happened.

Bulls.  Balls.

Unfortunately for me and the rest of my Heat brethren, Miami decided to come out and stick with their patented “sleepwalk through the first three quarters and start trying early in the fourth quarter” gimmick.  And while that may have worked just fine against the Milwaukee Bucks, the Bulls are far too disciplined and well-coached to let them get away with it.  Damn you, Nate Robinson.  So I guess I’ll be completely honest instead and tell you that it’ll probably take some effort for LeBron and company to dispatch what is clearly a less talented but more motivated Chicago team.  You know, I’ll even go so far as to say that the Bulls are one player away from having a chance at beating Miami and contending for a title.  I’ll let you connect the dots on that one.  Remember that Adidas commercial where Rose sat out and watched his team from the bench in the playoffs?  Me neither.

Anyways, I expect the Heat to come out with a hell of a lot more urgency in the next few games and win the series anyways.  Hopefully this was the wake-up call they needed to get their asses in gear and play up to their potential instead of playing down to their opposition.  There’s nothing worse than losing to a team you’re supposed to blow out.

Good God though, I had forgotten how ugly Joakim Noah is.  On his best days, he looks like a bearded woman on steroids, but last night I think his unattractiveness reached an all-time high.   

The one thing I won’t criticize about the Bulls though, was Kirk Hinrich’s “cojones” dance in Brooklyn after hitting a dagger three in game 7 of the first round.  That was awesome.  I don’t care how much he got fined for it, it was worth every penny.  And the only thing that will make winning this series more enjoyable is watching LeBron or Wade do the exact same thing during game six in Chicago after they sink the winning shot.  And if the Bulls somehow win the series, I will eat my own head.  Seriously. 

Heat in six.

Quick side note here on an important cultural issue.  I’m sure you all heard the news as Jason Collins came out in an interview with Sports Illustrated titled: The Gay Athlete, which took me by surprise because I had no idea that Jason Collins was still considered an athlete. 

WESTERN CONFERENCE SEMIFINALS:

SAN ANTIONIO SPURS VS GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS

So, I’m guessing most of you didn’t see the first game of this series on Monday night.  That’s a shame, because it ended up being probably the most exciting playoff game of the past five years, going into double overtime before Manu Ginobli hit a game-winning three for San Antonio.  So if you don’t care all that much about the NBA and just want to watch the most exciting games for the rest of the playoffs, this is probably the series you want to stick to.  Also, I’d like to take a moment to remind you all that I picked the Heat and Spurs to make the Finals way back at the start of the season.  Yeah that’s right, before the Harden trade or Westbrook injury.  Sticking by it.

Spurs in six.

OKLAHOMA CITY THUNDER VS MEMPHIS GRIZZLIES

Well, that Houston-OKC series was a hell of a lot more interesting than I thought.  Probably not for the reasons you think though.  You see, I remembered a little game that I heard about and started playing with myself last year during the playoffs.  It’s simple: you take every team’s mascot name, and add the word “ass” to the beginning.  So the series I went to watch in Milwaukee would’ve been the Ass Heat vs Ass Bucks.  And the overall winner of the first round of the NBA playoffs?  You guessed it, Oklahoma City and Houston, for giving us the Ass Rockets vs Ass Thunder.  My all-time favorite matchup?  That comes on Sunday, December 15^th this year when the Ass Packers play the Ass Cowboys in Dallas.  Yes, these are the things I think about in between studying for med school exams. 

Grizzlies in seven.

- Chode Out.

Chode Picks – Round 1

I couldn’t help myself.  For months, I had promised myself that I wouldn’t write again until the start of the NFL season in August.  I had all the reasons in the world not to; between med school exams, another half-marathon to train for, and seemingly an endless number of weddings to go to this summer, I really didn’t think I’d have time to write this summer.  But then I went and drunkenly promised someone that I would write for the NBA playoffs, and after pounding a six-pack of Leinenkugel’s, here I am.  Time to catch up on everything I missed since December.  Let’s get to it.  This week’s edition of the Chode Picks is brought to you by Leinenkugel Brewing Company, the pride and joy of that disgusting town west of Menomonie.

First of all, I need to address the greatest sports victory that the state of Minnesota has scored in the past five years or so: Greg Jennings.  That’s right, the Packer’s 4^th best receiver and 1^st best TV actor defected across the state line after Ted Thompson wisely decided not to match the ridiculous, salary-cap destroying, franchise-killing contract that our less-intelligent neighbors to the west offered him.  So congratulations Minnesota, you just gave us the perfect excuse to get rid of our most injury-prone player and gave us the cap space to re-sign Clay Matthews and Aaron Rodgers in the process.  In Thompson we trust.

In fact, now that I think about it, Jennings was actually our 5^th best receiver by the end of the season, behind Jordy Nelson, Randall Cobb, James Jones and Jermichael Decorean Finley.  Yes, that Jermichael Finley.  I don’t care what the rest of you have to say, I like the guy.  And if you’re too biased against him to notice that he played VERY well over the second half of the season, that’s your own damn fault.  Also, yesterday Jermichael tweeted that he plans on donating $500 to charity for every touchdown and dropped pass this season.  What charity, you ask?  One Fund for Boston.  Go ahead and boo him now, assholes. 

One last note about the NFL: I’m calling this right now.  The Vikings are going to draft Manti Te’o in the first round with the 23^rd or 25^th pick, and he is going to be an absolute disaster.  But hey, if you can’t be good, might as well be interesting, right?

On to college sports.  More specifically, the NCAA tournament.  Might as well get this out of the way right now: the UW Men’s team put on an embarrassing performance in the first round against Ole Miss.  It’s bad enough that they lost to a 12-seed, but the fact that we had to watch that cocky prick Marshall Henderson celebrate afterwards makes it even more humiliating.  But as was the case all season long, when we weren’t making three-pointers, we simply didn’t have another way to score consistently.  And I’m not sure when Ben Brust got the idea in his head that he should consistently shoot from four feet behind the three-point line (probably after that overtime Michigan game), but I don’t care if it’s Ray Allen taking the shot; it’s still a bad possession.  Anyways, with Josh Gasser coming back healthy and a full offseason for Sam Dekker to work on his low-post game, we should be pretty damn good next season.  Also, at long last the Curse of the Breuser is finally over.

Speaking of Badger sports, the spring football game was yesterday, giving us a chance to see Gary Andersen’s scheme in action for the first time in Madison.  A lot of pundits have written us off next season as the runner-up to Ohio State in the Leaders Division, but I really think we can give them a run for their money if we get consistent play at quarterback and wide receiver.  However, as optimistic as I may be about the future of Wisconsin football, there is no way in hell we’re going to be ready to compete with Alabama in two years.  Normally this wouldn’t be a problem, but athletic director Barry “my stomach is only surpassed by my ego” Alvarez decided to schedule the defending BCS champs for our season opener in 2015.  In Dallas, Texas.  Right next door to Alabama.  Son of a bitch.  To put the matchup in perspective, I was in Florida for spring break a few weeks ago and met a couple of girls from the University of Alabama, leading to the following conversation:

Drunk Alabama girl 1: Hey, can you do us a favor?

Chode: Maybe.  What’s up?

Drunk Bama girl 2: Say “Roll Tide”

Chode: Nah, can’t do it.  Sorry.

Crimson Tramp 1: Come on, why not?

Chode: Well, I go to Wisconsin and we just scheduled a game against Alabama in football…

Crimson Tramp 2: (hysterical laughter)… WHAT!?!  Why would you do that to yourself??

Chode: Damn it…. roll tide.

‘Bama bitches:  WOOOOOO!!!!

Chode: Enjoy being unemployed

That’s alright though, I wasn’t planning on winning a national championship that soon anyways.  And hell, maybe the Nick Saban’s crew will get hit with some NCAA violations in the meantime to give us a fighting chance.  Speaking of NCAA violations, how about them Oregon Ducks?  Let me be the first to thank Chip Kelly and Willie Lyles for making the Wisconsin Badgers RETROACTIVE 2012 ROSE BOWL CHAMPIONS!!!!!  I demand one of those t-shirts that was mistakenly shipped to Africa. 

Now then.  Enough about football for this week.  Time to get to the main course, the final act of the 2012-2013 NBA season, the next chapter in the great American sport known as basketball, the prelude to round 2 of the Heat-Thunder rivalry, the LeBroncore, whatever you want to call it.  You all know why I’m writing this week; because my favorite basketball team is poised to capture another NBA title after a fantastic regular season.  Let’s break it down.

WESTERN CONFERENCE:

OKLAHOMA CITY THUNDER (60-22) VS HOUSTON ROCKETS (45-37)

I’m not going to waste any space going over the matchups in this series, because we all know that the Rockets will be lucky to win one game against a healthy OKC team.  What is important in this series though, is how badly James Harden wants to show the Thunder that they made a mistake in trading him before the season.  If you haven’t been paying attention, Harden has been absolutely spectacular this season, vaulting himself into first team All-NBA consideration and perhaps more importantly, outplaying Russell Westbrook.  And despite what his fearsome beard suggests, Harden is only 23 years old.  Twenty-fucking three!!  And he’s already one of the best players in the league!!  So if you’re Thunder GM Sam Presti, WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU TRADE HIM JUST TO SAVE  FEW (million) BUCKS!?!?  Don’t get me wrong, I still think Oklahoma City will win a championship eventually, I just know it would have happened a hell of a lot sooner if they hadn’t gotten rid of their second-best player.  Feel free to throw this back in my face if they beat Miami in the Finals. 

Oklahoma City in five

SAN ANTONIO SPURS (58-24) VS LOS ANGELES LAKERS (45-37)

Damn it, Kobe.  This could have been such an awesome series, then you had to go and fuck it all up with your stupid Achilles tendon.  In my semi-educated medical opinion, I think you’re milking it.  Suck it up and get back on the court, Mamba.  Also, it’s bullshit how this whole injury situation has turned you into a sympathetic figure.  Remember when LeBron, Wade and Bosh formed a superteam in Miami and everyone absolutely HATED them for it?  People were openly rooting for LeBron to tear his Achilles!  Double standard bullshit.  Regardless, there’s no way the Spurs are dropping this series to the 2^nd best team in Los Angeles.  Maybe next year, Dwight.

San Antonio in six

DENVER NUGGETS (57-25) VS GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS (47-35)

Finally, a competitive series.  This one should be a lot of fun, considering that both teams like to play at a fast pace and shoot a ton of threes.  Also, I’ve forgiven Steph Curry for knocking the Badgers out of the NCAA tournament in 2008, and he’s now one of my favorite players to watch.  With that said, I think he’s going down like Q-bombs on Bowen Ct in this series, for one reason.  Do you know who had the best home-court record in the NBA this season?  Nope, not Miami.  Not OKC or San Antonio either.  The Denver Nuggets, at 38-3.  Thirty eight wins, three losses.  Good God.  Perhaps they have an unfair advantage playing a fast-paced game at altitude, and maybe they shouldn’t be the 3-seed with a losing home record, but hey, I don’t make the rules.  And the rules of basketball say that Golden State must lose in seven games to the Nuggets.

Denver in seven

LOS ANGELES CLIPPERS (56-26) VS MEMPHIS GRIZZLIES (56-26)

Yes.  Thank God, David Stern, Marc Gasol and Chris Paul for allowing this series to happen.  In case you missed it, the second-most entertaining series of last year’s playoffs happened in the first round between these two same teams.  I vividly remember watching game 1 between them, and turning the TV off at the start of the 4^th quarter when Memphis was blowing out the Clippers, only to find out the next day that Los Angeles had pulled off the largest comeback in NBA playoff history, coming from 27 points down to stun the Grizzlies.  I still haven’t forgiven myself.  So I’m watching every minute of every single game in this series and damn it, it better be awesome.  Also, there’s a legitimate chance of a brawl happening sometime in this series, because these two teams absolutely HATE each other.  As for who’s going to win?  Never bet against Chris Paul.

Los Angeles in seven

EASTERN CONFERENCE:

MIAMI HEAT (66-16) VS MILWAUKEE BUCKS (38-44)

Hehe.  Yes.  Yes, yes yes.  This is why I love the NBA.  So that after all the bullshit of the regular season is finally over, I can sit back and think about all of the glorious ways that my team is going to murder everyone in their path to a third NBA title.  To be completely honest, it wouldn’t have mattered which team you threw at the Heat in the first round, they’re just that much better than the rest of the conference.  You could put together an Eastern Conference All-Star team (minus the Heat), put them up against Miami in a seven game series… and the Heat would win in five or six.  They have lost exactly two games since February 1^st.  Two games.  In fact, I’m not sure how they managed to drop 16 all season.  At one point, LeBron and company won 27 games in a row.  That’s more wins that the Charlotte Bobcats have had over the past two years.  That means nearly 20 million people were born in between the time the Heat lost two basketball games.  That shit cray.  But as crazy as it was, it’s not nearly as batshit-insane as what Brandon Jennings of the Milwaukee Bucks told the media yesterday: “we’re going to win in six”.  Six… years, Brandon?  Maybe, if you’re lucky.  Because there’s no way in hell Milwaukee takes more than one game this series.  And honestly, I can’t even see Miami letting this series get past game 4 in Milwaukee, where I’ll be watching from section 105, row FF, seat 6.  Oh, did I forget to mention that?  Yup, that’s right.  I’m going to watch Erik Spoelstra’s crew in their eighth victory of a TWENTY-GAME PLAYOFF WINNING STREAK (counting four last season in the Finals).  Which, you know isn’t that big of a deal, unless you take into consideration that I’ll be getting to watch the best player OF ALL TIME IN HIS PRIME destroy the Bucks in the Bradley Center.  And you better believe I’ll be wearing Heat gear.  Suck it, Milwaukee.  Also, I made a bet with one of my med school buddies: if the Bucks win, I have to name my first child Larry Sanders, and if (when) the Heat win, he has to name his first kid Birdman.  By the way, shame on the Bucks for trying so desperately to make the playoffs this year, when they should have been doing the sensible thing and tanking for a lottery pick instead.

Now, I know there are more than a few of you who are probably confused by my continued support of the Miami Heat, even when they’re on the verge of knocking out one of the original pro sports teams from my beloved home state of Wisconsin.  But after you’re done calling me a traitor and a bandwagon fan (whatever that means), hear me out.  After all, it’s Milwaukee’s own fault that I’m a Heat fan.  You see, when I first started watching basketball as a young-impressionable 13-year old, I was (and it deeply pains me to type this), a Marquette fan.  For some reason, the Golden Eagles’ fast-paced, high-flying style of play appealed to me more than Bo Ryan’s stagnant, clogged-toilet offensive “system”.  And when 13-year old me watched as Dwyane Wade carried Marquette to the final four, tea-bagging Keith Bogans and the rest of the Kentucky Wildcats along the way, I told myself “I am rooting for whatever team drafts that man”.  Later that year, the Bucks decided not to trade up for Wade in the draft, and instead selected T.J. Ford three picks later.  The rest is history.

Miami in four

NEW YORK KNICKS (54-28) VS BOSTON CELTICS (41-40)

So I thought about this one for a while, and I decided that it would be rude, tasteless and immature to make a cheap joke about the tragedies that have occurred in Boston this week.  Regardless of my general disdain for the Celtics, I think I speak for all of us when I say that the response the city of Boston had to the bombings last weekend was both heroic and inspiring.  After all, I’ve ran a couple of marathons myself, and I was absolutely amazed when I heard that following the race, many runners kept going for TWO MORE MILES to the closest hospital in order to donate blood.  Incredible.  And if you haven’t had a chance to watch the YouTube video of the Boston Bruins crowd singing the Star Spangled Banner on Wednesday night, stop reading this and go watch it now.  If that doesn’t make you proud to live in this country, nothing will.  ‘MERICA!! Now, with that being said, I think New York takes this series, because basketball isn’t a game of emotion.  It’s a game of skill and athleticism, two categories where the Knicks outclass the Celtics by some distance.  And I hate to say it because New York is probably the biggest threat to Miami in the East, but they’re about to blow Boston out like the four-hour finish-line crowd.  Whoops.

New York in six

INDIANA PACERS (49-32) VS ATLANTA HAWKS (44-38)

I can’t help but feel like both of these teams have fallen into the same trap: not good enough to contend for a title, but not shitty enough to contend for a lottery pick either.  However, as you might remember from last year’s Eastern Conference Semifinals, the Pacers can do a passable job of imitating a real contender when they’re sufficiently motivated.  On the other hand, the Hawks are a perfect example of everything that the casual fan hates about the NBA: a group of highly-talented, overpaid athletes that could probably contend for a title if they were sufficiently motivated and intelligent enough to play smart, team-oriented basketball.  And believe it or not, I think this is one of the few series in the NBA playoffs where effort, discipline and defense will prevail over pure talent.  Also, I can’t wait to watch the Pacers play the Knicks in the second round.  And seeing how I correctly predicted the outcome of 13 out of 15 matchups in last year’s playoffs, just trust me when I tell you that Indiana is taking this one, and remember the cardinal rule of betting on NBA playoffs: Never Trust the Hawks.  Place your bets accordingly.

Indiana in six

BROOKLYN NETS (49-33) VS CHICAGO BULLS (45-37)

Hey, remember two years ago when people thought that Derrick Rose was a better basketball player than LeBron James?  Haha.  Good joke, Chicago.  Part of me is actually hoping that the Bulls will win this series, just so the Heat can exact revenge for the streak-ending loss they suffered in Chicago last month, but let’s be honest.  The highlight of poor Chicago’s season was beating Miami once during the regular season.  And after they get knocked out in the first round for the second year in a row, maybe Derrick will finally return at full strength and reclaim his place as the fourth-best point guard in the NBA behind Chris Paul, James Harden and Russell Westbrook.  But I doubt it, simply because I think Rose has lost faith in his own abilities.  It’s been nearly a full calendar year since Rose tore his ACL, and despite watching Adrian Peterson return from the exact same injury to become the best player in the NFL, Rose has yet to suit up for a game, despite being cleared by multiple team doctors.  If he had half the heart that Chicago fans think he does, the Bulls would win this series.  But he doesn’t.  So the Nets will advance.

Nets in five

BREAKING NEWS (sort of): The Big Ten has just announced that the conference divisions will be realigned starting in 2014, with the East and West divisions replacing the Leaders and Legends.  The East will consist of Wisconsin, Nebraska, Iowa, Minnesota, Illinois, Northwestern and Purdue, while the teams in the west West division will be Ohio State, Michigan, Penn State, Michigan State, Maryland, Rutgers and Indiana.  First of all, I think I speak for everyone when I say it’s about damn time we renamed the divisions.  Good riddance.  Secondly, I think Wisconsin caught a major break here being separated from Ohio State, Michigan and Penn State.  For the forseeable future, the winner of the Wisconsin-Nebraska game should be headed to the Big Ten Championship game.

A bit of trivia before we wrap it up this week: who is the only NBA player to have his jersey hanging from the rafters in Milwaukee’s Bradley Center?  I’ll give you a hint: it’s not Brandon Jennings.  The answer is Miami’s very own Dwyane Wade, who will be playing an instrumental role in ending the Bucks’ season over the next week.  In fact, when the Heat inevitably retire Wade’s jersey in American Airlines arena, he’ll become only the third player in the history of the league to have his jersey hanging from the rafters of two different NBA arenas (after Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, who was retired by both the Bucks and Lakers, and Michael Jordan, who had his jersey retired by the Chicago Bulls and bizzarely enough, the Miami Heat as well).

Welp, I think that’s all he wrote this week.  If you’re reading this on Blogger, I want to invite you to join the Chode Picks Facebook group, purely for the purpose of stroking my already-inflated ego.  As for the rest of you already in the group, if you’re sick of listening to me, go ahead and leave the group.  Or deal with it and pass me a beer.

- Chode Out.