Chode Picks – Week 3

Ladies and gentlemen (mostly gentlemen), welcome back to week 3 of the world’s foremost authority on all things sports, alcohol and otherwise, the Chode Picks!  Week 2 was a success, with the Green Bay Packers asserting their dominance over the powerhouse New York Jets and the Wisconsin Badgers finding a way not to lose over the bye week.  High-fives all around.  Furthermore, the Minnesota Vikings and Detroit Lions both got waxed by a couple of bottom feeders, putting the Pack in a tie for 1^st place in the NFC North.  The only blemish on the week was Colin Kaepernick throwing approximately 1,342 interceptions against the Bears, allowing Chicago to pull out an unlikely victory, but that’s alright because hey, fuck that guy too. So let’s get to the picks.  First and foremost…

ADRIAN PETERSON (0-1) vs TEXAS COURT SYSTEM (1-0)

This is what happens when you make a deal with Satan to come back from a torn ACL and win the MVP nine months later.  Or rather, this is what happens when you’re a shitty father and you live in a society that puts athletes on a pedestal and allows them to act like entitled pricks with no repercussions.  ‘Merica.  At least my team’s players only drink codeine like Kool-Aid, pop Vicodin like Skittles and grope high school girls in hot tubs (here’s to you, Chmura!).

TEXAS COURT SYSTEM by five years with parole

GREEN BAY PACKERS (1-1) at DETROIT LIONS (1-1)

Jordy Nelson is better than Calvin Johnson.  There, I said it and I’ll never take it back.  And I know this means at least one of my friends just stopped angrily closed his laptop and mentally flipped me off.  Whatever.  Every so often, God looks down from his eternal perch, points at a newborn and says “this one shall have balls carved out of fucking granite”.  As is the case with Jordan Raymond Nelson.  One of the proudest days of my life was this past summer when a random guy told me “you could pass for Jordy”.  You know what?  My first child, boy or girl, will be named Jordan Nelson Quilling. 

Sorry, I got a but sidetracked there.  My point is, the Packers are going to stomp the Lions and take our rightful place at the top of the division.

GREEN BAY by 14

BOWLING GREEN FALCONS (2-1) at  #19 WISCONSIN BADGERS (1-1)

Normally I would call this a trap game for the Badgers since Bowling Green beat Indiana last week, but we all know the Hoosiers are horseshit, so I’m actually not all that concerned.  Especially coming off of a bye week during which I can only assume the team worked on perfecting those two-yard hitches and screen passes that are the hallmark of every efficient passing offense.  Either way, if Gordon and Clemente don’t both crack 100 yards in this game I’m going to be somewhat disappointed.  Maybe we’ve been spoiled over the past five years, but I miss watching a Badger running back take a handoff and not be touched until he reaches the end zone 60 yards downfield.  More importantly, I’m waking up at 6:00 AM to enjoy one of the last warm-weather party atmospheres of 2014.  So if you’re in Madison, make your way to 45 Lathrop early in the morning for some beer and shenanigans.  Tell them the Chode sent you. 

WISCONSIN by 28

THIS WEEKEND (0-0) vs MY LIVER (0-82)

Ha.  Biggest mismatch of the season.  Let’s see, warm weather Badger home game plus a ton of friends from undergrad coming back to town plus my girlfriend’s 17^th birthday equals one small step for New Belgium Brewing company and one giant leap towards cirrhosis when I’m 60.

Just kidding.  She’s 22.  Happy birthday Dana, you’re famous now.

THIS WEEKEND by 36

USA BASKETBALL (163-8) vs REST OF WORLD (who cares??)

Raise your hand if you watched the World Cup final.  Put your hands down, you dirty liars.  I may have been the only man in Wisconsin watching the title game last Sunday, but I’d be lying if I told you it didn’t make me proud of my country to watch Kyrie Irving, Boogie Cousins and company smack around the helpless Serbians like Ray Rice’s wife in a casino elevator. ‘MERICA!!  You’re all shitty patriots.  Ten Chode Points to the first person to name all twelve members of the 2014 USA Basketball roster.

UNITED STATES OF AMERICA by infinity, forever.

This is kind of off-topic, but did any of you guys watch the video I posted in week 1?  Because those guys are coming to play at Memorial Union in Madison in February.  I’ve been told tickets are gonna be pretty cheap too.  2 Cellos.  Look them up on YouTube, they kick all kinds of ass.  If only we could book someone nearly as good for Halloween on State Street.  Hey, that gives me another idea.  Thirty Chode Points to anyone who writes to Dave Grohl and asks the Foo Fighters to play in Madison on Halloween next year.  One thousand Chode Points if he agrees to do it.  That would make my life.

A couple more random thoughts before I call it a week:

One-fifth of the beer sold annually in the United States is Bud Light.  Good God, that’s depressing.

I was reading today about a new jetpack designed to make soldiers run faster.  I’ll bet the French are fucking ecstatic.

Roses are red
Violets are glorious
Never sneak up
On Oscar Pistorius.

I apologize for the short edition, but I have some beer to drink.

Until next time,

-Chode Out.

Chode Picks – Week 2

Hello “friends”, and welcome back to the 9^th season of the Pulitzer Prize-winning Chode Picks! It’s been seven days since I shat out the last edition in the narcissistic writing hobby that has spanned my entire adult life, so let’s get back to it.  I just finished possibly the easiest week of school I’ve had since undergrad, so that calls for a celebratory drink, and wouldn’t you know it, but there just happens to be most of a case of Four Loko left in my kitchen.  Good God, I have no idea how I used to drink this shit four years ago. Oh that’s right, it was caffeinated back then and made me feel like a drunken superhero.  Luckily, 24-year old Chode has nearly an unlimited supply of energy in pill form at his disposal, so rigging up a couple of bottles of the good stuff really isn’t all that hard.  Huzzah!

It wasn’t the greatest week for my fantasy team, mostly because I forgot to take Ray Rice out of my lineup and subsequently my team was beaten, bitch-slapped and knocked out by nearly 60 points.  Expect team Rice Beaters to return to form by smacking around this week’s competition.  I’m counting on abusing the next sorry soul to cross my path by at least 20 points.  And yes, I’m going to keep making Ray Rice jokes for the foreseeable future.  And not because I think Ray is some kind of monster. Obviously he made a morally indefensible decision in that Atlantic City elevator and deserves a suspension, but the person who really disgusts me in this mess is Roger Goodell.  This is the man who has allowed players facing charges for sexual assault (Ben Roethlisberger), manslaughter (Donte Stallworth and Josh Brent) and straight-up murder (Ray Lewis, who by the way is getting a motherfucking statue built in his honor) to continue playing in the NFL.  But somehow Ray Rice, who has been completely honest and apologetic about his mistake (unlike Goodell) is the most reprehensible player in the league.  Bullshit.  If the NFL is going to come down on Ray Rice, it should come down on all violent crimes, not just the ones that get headlines.  Also, Penn State was released from probation this week, so that tells you a lot about where our priorities are as a society.  Something tells me that if TMZ had gotten a video of Jerry Sandusky, things might be a little different.

Whew.  Sorry, I’ll get down from the soapbox now.  At least there are no other players in major legal trouble right now…

Oh, Jesus.  You’ve got to be shitting me.  Way to go Adrian Beater-Son.  Let’s move on to the picks.  First up…

NEW YORK JETS (1-0) at GREEN BAY PACKERS (0-1)

One of these teams is winless and favored by 9 points.  The other is undefeated and a 9-point underdog.  Gotta love the first week of the season.  And honestly, I think that line is still too low.  A lot of my fellow Packer fans are worried after a poor showing last Thursday, but it’s easy for a good team to look shitty against Seattle.  Just ask Peyton Manning.  We’ll rebound, kick New York in the balls and all will be right in world again.  Also, I don’t care how much the Seahawks win by this week, I’ve already decided that we’re taking home our 5^th Lombardi Trophy this year.  Deal with it.

GREEN BAY by 14

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (0-1) at MINNESOTA VIKINGS (1-0)

LOL.  Two more teams that will be 1-1 on Sunday afternoon, especially with Adrian being sidelined with a case of ADD (Awful Dad Disorder).  Expect Darth Belichick and his minions to drop 40 on the poor Vikes.

NEW ENGLAND by 24

CHICAGO BEARS (0-1) at SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (1-0)

Either way, this game will make me happy.  I get to watch Patrick Willis and company bring the motherfuckin’ ruckus on Jay Cutler’s fat, diabetic ass, or I get to see Colin “I eat orphans and poop them out in the shape of swastikas” Kaepernick go down in the tender embrace of Jared Allen.  I’m gonna have to go to the Red Zone bar on Regent St so I can watch all 3 of these games at once.  Did you know that the Red Zone gives out free shots for every Packer touchdown? And that they have the best nacho platter in southern Wisconsin?  This paragraph was brought to you by the Red Zone Bar and Grill.

SAN FRANCISCO by 3

In other sports news around the world, Oscar Pistorius was found not guilty.  And guilty. So in his honor, I challenge you all to play the Pistorius drinking game this weekend: any time someone goes to the bathroom, you take four quick shots.

On to lesser football teams…

Wisconsin Badgers (1-1) vs BYE WEEK (0-0)

You know for a brief, insane minute there I thought we were going to fall to 0-2 against Western Illinois.  Then at halftime the dumbest group of gentlemen on campus must have realized “Oh shit, we’re a Big Ten team” and throttled the Leathernecks in the 2^nd half.  Regardless, I’m already counting this season as a disappointment, and it has nothing to do with on the field results.  You see, between the “neutral site” game against LSU and this week’s bye, we ended up with just ONE measly warm-weather home gameday this season.  For those of you unlucky enough to not have experienced one of these magical occasions, that’s like canceling Christmas.  Twice.  Damn you, Barry Alvarez. 

Also, I think it’s fair to declare the “Gordon for Heisman” campaign officially dead.  It went into a fatal arrhythmia sometime during the first half last Saturday and flatlined as MGIII finished with 38 yards on the game.  Thirty-eight fucking yards.  On 17 carries.  Are you kidding me?  Todd Gurley would have eclipsed that in the 1^st quarter.  At least Tanner McINT put up decent numbers on the two-dozen screen passes Coach Andersen called to boost his confidence.  I’d trade quarterbacks with literally any other school in the Big Ten. 

WISCONSIN by default 

WORLD CUP OF BASKETBALL FINAL:  USA  (162-8) vs SERBIA (88-44)

Yes, I actually added up Serbia’s national basketball team record.  Because I’m a giant fucking nerd, I know.  But despite the fact that Spain isn’t playing on Sunday at 2:00, you’re all still required to watch.  We’re going for 4 straight world championships here, fellas.  Don’t let the terrorists win.  U-S-A!!  U-S-A!! U-S-A!!

UNITED STATES OF AMERICA by 31

Well, time to call it a wrap on this week’s issue.  I’ll be back next weekend to give you 5-10 minutes of entertainment, depending on how slow you read.  Also, sometime this year I’m thinking about compiling a “Best of the Chode Picks” where I compile all of my favorite bits from the past 8 years for your reading pleasure.  Let me know in the comments if you’re interested.

This week’s edition is dedicated to my late uncle Bob.  I’ve been told that in heaven there is no beer, but if there is I’m confident that he’s already found it. Rest in peace, big fella.

What do the Ravens listen to in the locker room?

Beats by Ray.

Sources: Ben King (Adrian Beater-Son) and Kenne Koehler (Beats by Ray).  Five Chode Points for you both. 

Also, if you’re like me and you have a weird sense of humor, you should watch the movie below.  It’s 15 minutes long and made by 3 guys who are much more creative than I’ll ever be.

DID YOU DRINK MY GINGER ALE?!?! HANNAH?!?!

- Chode Out.

Chode Picks – Week 1

Surprise! I’m back to kick your ass with eight to sixteen editions of man’s greatest accomplishment, the Chode Picks.  I just put the finishing touches on a brilliant fantasy football draft, with Jimmy Graham and Ray “Iron Fist” Rice ready to carry me to another title. But let’s be honest: none of you give a shit about my fantasy football team.  Let me fill you in on all of the sports-related happenings since the last time we met.  Fair warning, this edition is going to have a slightly different tone than my usual confident, triumphant prose, mostly because my favorite teams have been getting shit on for the past two months. So if you’ve been reading the Chode Picks for years, waiting for me to get my comeuppance, this one’s for you.  Enjoy it, Minnesota/Chicago fans. Let’s break it down by team.

GREEN BAY PACKERS (0-1)

It’s currently Friday afternoon in Madison, Wisconsin, center of the known universe, and I’ve got that strange variety of hangover that makes your entire body hurt except your head. It’s hard to tell if the pain is beer-induced from last night’s bender or merely the aftereffects of a season-opening ass kicking at the hands of Russell Wilson and his merry band of dickheads.  It pains me to admit this, but the Seahawks are clearly a better team than the Green Bay Packers right now.  And you know what? After 40 odd years of being terrible and losing the Supersonics to Oklahoma City, those fans probably deserve it. Congratulations on your world championship banner, Seattle. Just remember that the only reason we don’t hang them in Lambeau is because THERE’S NOT ENOUGH SPACE IN THE MOTHERFUCKING STADIUM TO FIT THEM ALL!!
Even though I despise the Seahawks for what they’ve done to my beloved Pack over the past few seasons, I have to admit if they were in the AFC I’d probably root for them, and I’d trade rosters in a heartbeat if you gave me the chance. Unless you’re a Michigan State grad, I don’t see how anyone can honestly say they dislike Russell Wilson, and even Richard Sherman has grown on me. Over the years I’ve developed an appreciation for athletes who are talented enough to play at the highest level while still maintaining a good amount of intelligence. Other than Marshawn Lynch, the previous sentence describes pretty much Seattle’s entire roster. This, of course, makes them the polar opposite of the next football team we need to cover…

WISCONSIN BADGERS (0-1)

Stupid, stupid, stupid. That’s the reason we’re 0-1 instead of 1-0 right now. Not because we’re less talented than LSU (although that’s also true). Over the past 20 years, Wisconsin football teams have compensated for a lack of talent by being smarter and more disciplined than their opponents, and the result has been consistent success with the occasional Big Ten title thrown in for good measure. This team seems ready to buck the trend by combining a modest amount of talent with the mental capacity of a sixth grader. Sadly, there’s one person to blame, and we can’t fire him.  No, not Tanner McEvoy (I’ll get to him in a second). Bret Bielema.  These are his recruits, and it shows in the worst possible way.  Unfortunately, the one guy with a decent head on his shoulders, Joel Stave, is sidelined indefinitely with a mysterious injury.  So we’re stuck with McEasilyintercepted (I’ll come up with a better name eventually) alternating between overthrowing receivers by 20 yards and chucking the ball into the turf on 3^rd and 10.  I came into this season with very low expectations for McErrantpass and he has failed to meet them.  I don’t want to succumb to hyperbole here, but we would have beaten LSU with Allan Evridge under center.  No, I don’t care how big and fast he is, because I’m fairly certain there are at least two people reading this blog that have a better passing arm.  Move him back to safety and burn the redshirt on D.J. Gillins. Not that it matters for the next three games, because the rest of our nonconference schedule is softer than Michael Sam’s penis at the Playboy mansion.  Here’s hoping we can drop 60 on Western Illinois tomorrow to make me feel better.

Poop break.  Back in 10-15 minutes.

MIAMI HEAT (0-0)

Let’s hear it.  I know you’ve been waiting for years.  Deep down, we all knew LeBron was eventually going back to Cleveland, and I must say I’m quite disappointed in all of you for not making more of an attempt to rub it in.  After four years of me being a cocky asshole about my team, I deserve it.  That being said, I was moderately offended by the number of people who assumed I was going to drop my team and root for the Cavs.  You must think I’m some kind of amoral monster.  And while I’m certainly going to enjoy watching LeBron kick the Bulls out of the playoffs next spring yet again, I’ll enjoy it even more when Bosh, Wade, Luol Deng and company beat Cleveland in seven games, go back to the Finals for the 5^th season in a row and LOSE TO THE DAMNED SPURS IN FIVE GAMES!  You heard it here first.  Bosh for MVP.

USA BASKETBALL (159-8)

Most of you were probably unaware that the World Cup of Basketball is going on in Spain right now.  It’s a lot like the World Cup of soccer, except we’re Germany, Brazil, Argentina and the Netherlands all rolled into one.  The knockout round starts tomorrow with USA squaring off against Mexico, and you’ll be shocked to hear that we finished pool play undefeated rolling out our B-team of Anthony Davis, Kyrie Irving, Steph Curry, James Harden and Kenneth Faried.  The only reason I mention this is because a final matchup with Spain (Pau and Marc Gasol, Serge Ibaka, Ricky Rubio and Juan Carlos Navarro) is looming next Sunday at 2:00 PM. If you don’t watch, you’re a shitty patriot and that’s all there is to it.

MILWAUKEE BREWERS (73-67)

Current losing streak: nine games and counting.  Assuming we find a way to sneak into the playoffs, I can pretty much guarantee we’re getting our asses handed to us by the Cardinals.  I’ve seen this movie before.  At least we’re not the Cubs.

This week’s edition of the Chode Picks is brought to you by one of my all-time favorite sponsors, Four Loko.  I picked up a case of the new formula for the dirt-cheap price of $9.99 last week, and somehow I’m still disappointed.  Drinking decaffeinated Loko is like watching Michael Jordan play for the Wizards; I know how much better it used to be.

Before we wrap it up this week, I want to touch on a more serious note.  As some of you know, I recently finished my surgery rotation in med school. In between feeling miserable, hungry and sleep-deprived for 8 weeks, I got to do some pretty cool shit. But the most awesome thing I got to be a part of wasn’t cutting open a dude’s skull or helping amputate a leg (although those both kicked ass).  It was talking to a 52-year old man in perfect health who decided to donate his kidney anonymously to a stranger because “someone needs it more than me”.  That man is a hero in a way that none of the men we cheer for on Saturday or Sunday ever could be. So I want to ask you all a favor. Go to donorregistry.wisconsin.gov and sign up to be an organ donor. The orange dot on your driver’s license actually isn’t legally binding.  I know it’s not the most pleasant thing to think about, but I’d like to think that if I kick the bucket sooner than expected, someone else can keep living with my lungs, heart and kidneys (Probably not my liver though. Sorry).

Also, you should probably watch this video.  You’ll enjoy it.

GO!

PACK!

GO!

- Chode Out.

Chode Picks – Finale

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Admit it.  You thought I was gone, didn’t you?  You probably assumed that after a humiliating, soul-crushing defeat, the Chode Picks were going to fade away like the Bears’ Super Bowl dreams or my own hopes of finishing with a decent GPA in second year of med school.  WRONG.  I’m back, and ready to rock you with a kick-ass final 2013-2014 version of your favorite irrelevant sports blog.  It’s currently January 8^th in Madison, and that means I’ve spent nearly three glorious weeks neglecting my duties as writer, editor and publisher of the Chode Picks.  So it’s only fair that I try in vain to make up for it by writing six or seven pages of bullshit to send you all into the football offseason.  But before we get to sports, time to update you all on what kept me away for so long.  More specifically, winter break.  You see, after spending the first week of the holiday licking my wounds from the harshest ass-beating I’ve ever received from UW, I spent the end of December and the beginning of January on an amazing adventure that took me to almost every corner of North America.  I traveled from the greatest city in the world to the most depressing part of the third world and back again.  So here’s where I’ve been spending my time for the past month:

Madison, Wisconsin

Menomonie, Wisconsin

Waukesha, Wisconsin

Milwaukee, Wisconsin

Atlanta, Georgia

Fort Lauderdale, Florida

Miami, Florida

Cozumel, Mexico

Belize City, Belize

Isla Roatan, Honduras

Grand Cayman, Cayman Islands

Miami, Florida

Fort Lauderdale, Florida

Milwaukee, Wisconsin

Appleton, Wisconsin

Green Bay, Wisconsin

Appleton, Wisconsin

And finally, back to the center of the known universe, Madison, Wisconsin.

Somewhere along my travels, I realized two things.  First was how lucky I am to grow up in a rich, civilized country, no matter how damn cold it is here.  Second was how even more lucky I am to have a small audience to share my experience with.  So allow me a moment here to let you know what the best part of my cross-continental adventure was…

GREEN BAY PACKERS (7-7-1) at CHICAGO BEARS (8-7-0)

HAAAA!!!!! HAHAHAHA!!!  Stupid Chicago bastards.  Did you really think you had a chance at beating the AARON RODGERS-led Green Bay Packers in a fair, balanced game of football??  Well THINK AGAIN, DICKHEADS!!  NOT IF ROCKET-ARM AARON AND RANDALL COBB HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT IT!  But hey, maybe if you catch the next flight to Africa you can steal a “Chicago Bears NFC North Champions” t-shirt from some homeless Kenyan kid to make yourself feel better.  And by the way, I’d like to congratulate Jay Cutler on signing a seven-year deal with Green Bay this week.  Of course, this new contract requires him to wear a Bears jersey and throw interceptions in December.  Keep it up Jay and you might just end up getting your jersey retired at Lambeau Field.  Also, congratulations to the Minnesota Vikings and Detroit Lions on firing their head coaches after failing to finish above .500 and conceding the division title to the Green and Gold for the third season in a row.  As long as Cutler is in charge in Chicago, Rick Spielman is in charge in Minnesota and the Ford family is in charge in Detroit, our stranglehold over the NFL’s most storied division remains intact.

GREEN BAY by 5

Unfortunately, a week after that glorious victory…

SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (12-4) at GREEN BAY PACKERS (8-7-1)

I won’t torture you by recollecting the game that knocked our beloved Packers out of the playoffs a few days ago.  We all saw what happened, and honestly as soon as the 49ers got the ball with the game tied and more than two minutes left in the game, I knew we were fucked.  The truth is our defense wasn’t good enough to win a Super Bowl this season anyways, so it’s probably better to lose in the wildcard than to win a couple games and get our hearts ripped out by Seattle in the NFC Championship.  But damn, it would have been awesome to knock Jim Harbaugh and his army of douchebags out of the playoffs.  Next year.  By the way, I was at the game.  And yes, it was every bit as cold as it looked on TV.  I wore two pairs of gloves and my fingers were still freezing.  And considering I was in the Cayman Islands three days earlier, it was a pretty brutal experience.  Tailgating before the game, I quickly learned that if it took me more than 3 minutes to finish a beer, the bottom would freeze and become impossible to drink.  All in all though, I’m glad I went.  It’s not every day you get the chance to go to an NFL playoff game, especially one of the coldest games in playoff history. 

But now that the season is over, it’s time to turn to the next step in our pursuit of a 14^th NFL title: the draft.  I think it’s fair to say that our defense has a couple of holes in it, most notably at safety and linebacker.  Unfortunately, Ha’Sean Clinton-Dix isn’t falling past the Bears after all of Chicago watched Randall Cobb run right past Chris Conte to win the division two weeks ago.  So we’ll just have to cross our fingers and hope Ted Thompson works his magic and picks out a stud linebacker with the 21^st selection.  Or maybe a tight end, assuming that Jermichael Finley wants to avoid eating his meals through a nasogastric tube for the rest of his life.  Regardless, there’s one thing we can all take solace in as Packer fans: no matter which quarterback the Vikings take with the eighth pick, it will be the wrong one.

SAN FRANCISCO by… ah, fuck it.  Go Seahawks.

Let’s hit one more football game before I call it a season, shall we?

CAPITAL ONE BOWL: #19 WISCONSIN BADGERS (9-3) vs #9 SOUTH CAROLINA GAMECOCKS (10-2)

I was wrong.  No, not about the Badgers losing our 4^th bowl game in a row.  I was wrong to wish that Joel Stave would get hurt so Curt Phillips could come in to save the season.  All season, I’ve been saying that I couldn’t possibly imagine how the 6^th-year senior Phillips could be any less accurate than Joel.  Well ladies and gentlemen, I stand corrected.  Let’s all cross our fingers and hope that Bart Houston, DJ Gillins, Connor Senger, Thad Armstrong or Tanner McEvoy will win the starting job next fall.  Actually, not Tanner McEvoy.  He was surprisingly good at safety this year.  But regardless of who lines up under center next season, they’ll at least have another kick-ass running game to fall back on with the three-headed beast of Corey Clement, Melvin Gordon and Vonte Jackson (Remember that last name.  He hasn’t played a single snap yet, but next September more than a few sportswriters are going to be losing their shit about how talented he is).  And as long as we’re on the Badgers, I’d like to send off the current bunch of seniors by telling you who’s going to make it in the NFL.

BADGER PLAYERS WHO WILL BE DRAFTED: Jared Abbrederis, Chris Borland, James White, Jacob Pedersen, and possibly Dezmen Southward.

BADGER PLAYERS WHO WON’T BE DRAFTED AND WILL BE EXTREMELY CONFUSED ABOUT WHY NOT:  Tyler Dippel, Jeff Duckworth.

Also, Beau Allen and Ryan Groy will probably get a tryout somewhere.

Anyways, that’s enough about the depressing end of the football season.  Time to pack it up, pack it in and root for Russell Wilson to win Super Bowl MVP.  Also, thanks to Florida State on denying the SEC another BCS championship.  I don’t care if Jameis Winston is possibly the dumbest person in an American college, he saved us from another year of listening to the deep south gloat about how awesome their “student athletes” are.  Let’s get to basketball.

#4 WISCONSIN BADGERS (16-0) vs REST OF THE NCAA (5348-5378)

Yeah, that’s right.  I took the time to add up the cumulative records of every Division 1 NCAA basketball team not named “Wisconsin”.  And oddly enough, the rest of the country is fifteen games under .500 at the halfway point of the regular season.  I wonder why.  Remember when I predicted the Badgers would start 16-0 and you all thought I was a moron?  Well, after tonight’s dismantling of #23 Illinois in the Kohl Center, Bo Ryan’s crew hit that mark, making me look like Nostradamus in the process.  Special thanks goes out to Iowa coach Fran McCaffery for losing his mind, getting ejected and letting us pull away from the Hawkeyes in Sunday’s game.  And since I apparently can’t jinx this team, I’m gonna go ahead and GUARANTEE that the Badgers will run their record to at least 21-0 before they suffer their first defeat.  Also, I think we’ll win the Big Ten, mainly because we only play Ohio State and Michigan State once each and both of those games are at home.  Better make some room in that trophy case, Bo. 

WISCONSIN by 15

One last note on college basketball: last week I sent an email to Mark Titus at ESPN/Grantland, explaining why he’s a damn fool for not including Frank Kaminsky in his Wooden Award watch list, hoping to make his mailbag article.  Unfortunately, being a huge Ohio State homer, he ignored me.  So I’d appreciate it if those of you with Twitter accounts would do one of two things this week: tweet @clubtrillion a link to my blog (chodepicks.blogspot.com) or tell him why Frank is the best player in the Big Ten instead.  20 Chode Points for anyone who does.  Thanks in advance.

MIAMI HEAT (27-8) vs HISTORY (undefeated)

Well, after the Bulls traded away their best remaining player and cut Andrew Bynum, not much stands in the way of LeBron’s first three-peat this June.  You can try to pretend that Bynum isn’t going to sign with the Heat in a week or so, but let’s be honest: this is the kind of deal Pat Riley was born to make.  That’ll give Miami the player they need to neutralize Roy Hibbert and sail past Indiana to another championship.  Also, I need to take this moment to announce that I probably won’t be writing for the NBA playoffs this year.  I’m sorry, but the playoffs fall squarely in the one-month time period I have to study for board exams this summer, and this one exam determines what kind of doctor I get to be for the next three or four decades.  After six years of neglecting my academic life for the good of the Chode Picks, I’m gonna cut myself some slack.  But speaking of school, yesterday I found out I got the first A of my medical school career.  WHOOOOO!!! SUCK ON THAT, NERDS!!  Good God, I miss undergrad.

MIAMI in six

Chode Points update!  Since this is the last edition of the season, I need to remind you all that whoever finishes in first gets either a six-pack of nice beer, a case of shitty beer, or a shot of your choosing two weeks from now.  And since six of you correctly told me why Penn State is still on NCAA probation (hint: it rhymes with “rape”), you all get five extra points.  Unfortunately, none of you were ballsy enough to slap a Bears fan in the face, so those points went unclaimed.  However, one person was able to successfully defeat me in Mario Kart and earned himself 40 points this week (even though it was total bullshit because I got hit with two blue shells on the last lap).  So congratulations, Anooj Kothari, you’re right in the middle of the race.

CURRENT STANDINGS:

Sam MacDonald: 80 pts

Dan Jensen and Cody Stanton: 50 pts

Nick Miceli, Nate Mocadlo and Zach Niemayer: 45 pts

Anooj Kothari: 40 pts

Ben King: 35 pts

Ryan Bade and Bianca Miceli: 30 pts

Dana Duncan: 20 pts

Megan, Andy, Eric and Dustin: 10 pts

I’ve decided to leave the competition open for exactly two weeks from the time of the posting of this edition, so for those of you who aren’t good at math (Minnesota grads), that means if you somehow beat me at both Mario Kart and Super Smash Bros, you could conceivably come from nowhere to win with 90 points.  Good luck with that.  Also, I’ll offer one final challenge for 25 points: shotgun or beer-bong an entire Four Loko.  Ten extra points if it’s of the original recipe variety (hint: I have one left in Madison).  Post below if you’re man (or woman) enough to do it.  No cheating, please. 

By the way, I owe a big thank you to the one person in the world that’s able to deal with my drunk, obnoxious, arrogant self for two weeks at a time.  You know who you are.

Whew.  Time to call it a season on the Chode Picks.  I want to thank each and every one of you for sticking with me.  I hope you enjoyed reading the Picks as much as I did living them.  And I haven’t decided yet if I’m coming back next fall, so any advice in either direction would be nice.  I sincerely hope this isn’t the very last edition of the Chode Picks, but if it is, it’s been one hell of a ride.  God bless you all.

- Chode Out.