Chode Picks – Requiem

Honestly, I don’t know where to begin. I’m not sure that my mere words are capable of describing the shocking, improbable upset that we all witnessed last week. In any field of competition, upsets are to be expected, but there’s a big difference between the garden-variety “upsets” that we see every year, and the kind of momentous, earth-shaking underdog victory that took place last weekend. Unbelievable. Just in case you’ve been completely cut off from society for the past seven days, I’ll fill you in on the most shocking contest that I’ve ever witnessed in my life, one that redefined the very essence of victory and gave the state of Wisconsin it’s finest hour.
Of course, I’m referring to Miss Wisconsin’s glorious victory in the 2012 Miss America Pageant. Despite being a heavy underdog, Laura Kaeppeler (from here on referred to as the Goddess of Wisconsin) worked her way through the preliminary elimination rounds, surviving with a combination of veteran savvy, unflappable confidence, and a smokin’ hot body. The Goddess of Wisconsin soon found herself facing a seemingly unbeatable opponent in the final round, going up against heavily favored Miss New York. Like a true champion though, she beat the odds and emerged victorious, solidifying Wisconsin’s claim to the title of Greatest State of All Time. 

Also, I think there was a football game on last weekend, but I’m not sure. Moving on.

Just kidding. I need a second to compose myself, otherwise my head is going to explode in anger. The hatred that I feel for Elisha Nelson Manning and his band of idiots is a raging inferno that has only been doused over the past seven days by a river of Natural Light. To be completely honest though, I wasn’t totally shocked by the Green Bay loss on Sunday. By the end of the regular season, it had become apparent to me that the Packers had peaked WAY too early, probably sometime around week 10. It was also obvious that our defense wasn’t anywhere near championship-caliber. For 15 weeks, Aaron Rodgers and company were spectacular enough to compensate, but when luck finally turned against the Packers in the form of fumbles, questionable calls and dropped passes (Seriously, Finley? Catch the fucking ball), it wasn’t enough. And even though I could see the loss coming from a mile away, it didn’t make it any less painful. Watching the final seconds of our season tick away as the Giants celebrated in Lambeau was a worse feeling than realizing my fly is still up after I’ve started urinating. The one thing that did take some of the sting away was knowing that less than a year ago the Green and Gold claimed their thirteenth NFL title, and at least for the next two weeks, we’re still World Champions. Also, at 15-2, the Green Bay Packers will finish the 2011-2012 season with the best winning percentage in the league, regardless of who wins the Super Bowl.

Anyways, here are the main takeaways from the 2011-12 season from an NFC North perspective. If it seems like I’m grasping for straws and desperately trying to find a silver lining, it’s because I am.

- The Green Bay Packers are going to be Super Bowl contenders for at least another five years. At least.

- If you would have told me at the start of the season that the Packers would finish 15-2, with Aaron Rodgers having the best regular season in NFL history and claiming the MVP, I would have taken it, even if I knew we weren’t winning the Super Bowl again. My friends, we just enjoyed one hell of a season. Even with the disappointing finish, we have a lot to be proud of.

- Jay Cutler will never be a championship-caliber quarterback.

- The Detroit Lions have replaced the Chicago Bears as the primary threat to the Packer’s divisional dominance.

- Minnesota, welcome to ANOTHER decade of irrelevance! It’s a bit depressing that a Packer playoff loss and a WNBA championship were the highest points of your year. Also, if you were looking for a sign of weakness, I apologize. The only feelings that I have these days are A) Drunk, and B) Awesome. And I can’t help but love the haters, because let’s be honest, we made you.

With that, it’s time to close the book on the Packers’ 2011 season. Until next fall, you stay classy Green Bay.

Speaking of fantastic seasons, Tebow Time finally came to and end last week against the Patriots. I’ll be honest, I didn’t actually expect Denver to win, but I thought they’d at least keep it within two touchdowns. However, it’s obvious to me now that the Broncos can only do two things: win close games in the last minute, or get blown out. There is no in between. As for Tebow himself, his 2011 season was even more polarizing than Michael Vick’s resurgence last year, which is odd when you consider that Vick murdered puppies and Tebow simply loves Jesus and sucks at throwing. Personally, I can’t wait for the sequel (Tequel?) next year.

By the way, if you’re wondering who’s going to take home the Lombardi trophy now that the Packers have been eliminated, I’ll give you a hint: its not the Giants. Or the Patriots. Or the Ravens. That’s right, you better get used to hearing the phrase “Super Bowl MVP Alex Smith”.

Now, I realize that in a few weeks a wave of post-Super Bowl depression is going to hit most of you, along with the false idea that there are no more sports worth watching until next August. This couldn’t be further from the truth. I’m probably more excited for this offseason than I have been any other year, for more than a few reasons.

First and foremost, the 2012 Olympics. There are two Olympic sports that you absolutely must watch this summer. The first is women’s 2-on-2 sand volleyball, for obvious reasons. I’d like to meet the man who invented that sport (It has to be a man. There’s no other logical explanation) and shake his hand. The second is Olympic basketball. There’s no other sport on Earth that the United States has such a distinct advantage in, and there’s almost nothing as gratifying as watching the USA beat the living hell out of countries like Iran, Syria, China and France. Also, Spain. Fuck Spain. In short, if you don’t watch USA Basketball this summer, you’re a terrible citizen and should probably move to Canada, especially since this year’s team is probably the best the world has seen since the original Dream Team in 1992.

Secondly, I think this is the year that Manny Pacquiao and Floyd Mayweather will finally fight. It seems more than a little ridiculous that the two best boxers in the world are in the same weight class, yet have never fought each other. Personally, my money is on Pacquiao, but I might be a little biased because I think Mayweather is an arrogant douchebag. Even if you don’t follow boxing, you should watch this fight. It should be the Ali/Frazier of our generation. Cross your fingers that they’re both man enough to make it happen. This fight would make both of them far too much money for them to turn it down.

Last but not least, the NBA. If you’re not watching professional basketball this season, you should be. The league hasn’t had this much talent since the Jordan Era, and there are more than enough elite teams to make for a great season. And if you don’t like watching the NBA because the Bucks are terrible and you don’t know who to root for, just pick a team, for instance Oklahoma City, Miami or the L.A. Clippers. Just don’t pick the Bulls. Or the Lakers. Actually, don’t pick the Clippers either. I’m starting to despise them, because if there’s one thing I can’t stand in sports, its when superstars put aside personal statistics, take less money and join other great players to try to win championships. Just kidding. The real reason that I hate the Clippers is because they beat the Heat last week. In fact I was watching the Clippers-Timberwolves game last night and found myself rooting for the Wolves for most of the game, before I realized it and asked myself “wait, that the fuck are you doing?” And that’s when I realized how much I’ve committed myself to this Heat team; I was rooting for a MINNESOTA SPORTS TEAM JUST BECAUSE THEY WERE PLAYING A TEAM THAT BEAT MIAMI!! Never again, I swear. 

Before I wrap up this season’s final edition of the Chode Picks and head into my offseason activities of mailing heroin to children and making omelets from bald eagle eggs, I want to take a minute to thank all of you for reading and making this such a special season. I honestly think its been the best year in Chode Picks history, and I wouldn’t write if it weren’t for you guys. So thanks again.

And with that, I’d like to announce my decision on a couple of issues that I’ve been debating with myself for a while now: where I’m going to medical school next year, and more importantly, if I’m going to write the Chode Picks again next fall. I think the major factor major reason in my decision was the best opportunity for me to win and to win now and to win into the future also. 

And winning is a huge thing for me. You know ever since I was a rookie or even in high school, we always talked, that was the number one thing for me: Help my teammates get better and just wanting to win. And I've done some great things in my seven years, and I want to continue to do that. So this fall, man this is very tough, in this fall I’m going to keep my talents in Southern Wisconsin and continue to write the Chode Picks at the University of Wisconsin. That was the conclusion I woke up with this morning.

So I hope I can count on you guys to come back again next year. I really think that I’ll be able to maintain the Chode Picks at their current level during the first year of medical school. At the very least, I’m going to try. At this point, if I lost the Chode Picks, I feel like I’d be losing part of myself. Probably the best part of myself. So as of right now, the odds of me not writing the Chode Picks next fall are about the same odds that you have of meeting a real lesbian in a lesbian chatroom. Also, I might write a few times in the offseason. Maybe for Olympic basketball or the NBA Finals. Let me know what you guys think.

Until next season…

-Chode Out.

Chode Picks – Divisional Round

Ladies and gentlemen (mostly gentlemen), welcome to the first-ever NFL Playoff edition of the Chode Picks. After a week off (did you miss me?), I’m back to bring you all of the sports knowledge that you desperately crave. It’s been an eventful two weeks, so let’s get to it.

First off, I am not going to wish any of you a happy new year. Do you know why? Because IT HAS NOT BEEN A GOOD YEAR SO FAR, for a number of reasons. First off, New Year’s Eve kicked my ass. I had to work until 10:30PM, which meant that I was forced to play catch up in regards to drinking (never a good idea). This, combined with bars being open all night, turned me into Drunkasaurus Chode before I knew what hit me. My last coherent memory was yelling “No, YOU put on some pants!” at a police officer before I blacked out. Somehow, I woke up on my friend’s futon at 9:06 AM the next morning. Normally this wouldn’t have been a problem, but unfortunately, I had booked a bus ticket to the airport for 9:00 AM. I sprinted home to grab my bags, then ran to the bus station, all the while fighting the growing sense of dread that told me I might not make it to the Rose Bowl Game presented by Vizio after all. Luckily, after missing the first bus, I was able to get a spot on the next one, which still gave me enough time to catch my flight. Crisis averted. Unfortunately, the next day I was caught in another disaster, more specifically known as Wisconsin’s defense (or lack thereof). If you didn’t watch the Rose Bowl Game presented by Vizio, I’ll quickly summarize for you: those Oregon bastards are FAST. To be honest though, I think we all knew this was coming. After watching our defense get torn up by Michigan State, it was pretty obvious that we were going to struggle trying to slow down the Ducks. So to compensate, I stepped up my trash-talking in the hours leading up to the game, insulting and belittling anyone dressed in green and yellow that was dumb enough to cross my path. Oddly, they were a lot more clever and offensive than TCU fans in response, but I put them to shame with rants that would have made Dan LeBatard proud. An example:

“You have injury-prone LaMichael James! We have Heisman finalist Montee Ball!”
“You have the Portland Jailblazers! We have the world champion Green Bay Packers!”
“You have Sam Bowie! We have Vince Lombardi!”
“You have Greg Oden! We have Aaron Rodgers! DISCOUNT DOUBLECHECK!!”
“You live next to Washington! We live next to Minnesota! Shit, you win that one”
“Chip Kelly looks like a homosexual leprechaun!”
“Not a lot of people know this, but Bin Laden went to Oregon!”
“De’Anthony Thomas can’t even read! How did he get into college? Oh wait, he goes to OREGON!!”
“How the hell do you get to play in the Rose Bowl when you’re the third-best team in your own conference?!?”
“You have ugly-ass trees, we have delicious cheese!”
“We’re gonna blow you out like Brandon Roy’s knees!”

And so on. For the most part, they didn’t like me. But I did get a couple of Oregon girls to give me free shots because they thought I was clever. So I’m counting that as a win.

As for the actual game, I know what the rest of the world is saying. Bret Bielema “can’t win the big one”. Bullshit. The Badgers have won a lot of big games over the past three years. Yes, we lost to an inferior TCU team last year, but we also beat a pretty damn good Michigan State team in the Big Ten Championship game. And if I remember correctly, we knocked off the #1 team in the nation last year in the regular season (I noticed that game didn’t make your top 10 Wisconsin sports moments from 2011, Dave. It should have.). Overall, I’m not going to complain about back-to-back Big Ten championships, even if I walked out of the Rose Bowl Game presented by Vizio for the second time in 366 days with the sting of defeat. Its also worth noting that no Big Ten team has ever played in the Rose Bowl game presented by Vizio three years in a row. And in response to the two of you jackasses that blamed me for losing the game because the crowd convinced Bielema to waste a timeout, you’re welcome. You’re welcome for losing the game and thus convincing Montee Ball to come back for his senior season. You can thank me again after he wins the Heisman next December.

On top of Wisconsin’s football failure, the basketball team has dropped three in a row over the past two weeks, including a particularly awful home loss to the Iowa Hawkeyes, the worst team in the Big Ten. Right now, this team only does two things well: play defense and shoot three-pointers. Lately, the three-pointers haven’t been falling. It’s like watching a bunch of Kenne Koehler clones play basketball (actually, considering the majority of our team is slow and white, that’s a really good comparison). I’m still expecting Wisconsin to make the NCAA tournament, but it doesn’t look like we have what it takes to make a deep run this year, unless we catch fire from downtown. We’ll have to wait for Sam Dekker (the white Blake Griffin) next season to take us to the Final Four.

Damn it. As if things weren’t already bad enough, it’s snowing now. All I wanted was one damn winter without any snow. Is that too much to ask? Apparently this is only the start, and tomorrow we’re supposed to get pounded like a nine year-old in the Penn State showers. Ugh.

Fortunately, the state of Wisconsin still has one sports team that can wipe away all of our recent anguish with just three more victories. The Green Bay Packers begin their title defense this week against the New York Giants. Honestly, out of the three teams that the Packers could have played this week (Falcons, Lions and Giants), New York worries me the most. The Falcons and Lions are predictable; they beat bad teams and lose to good teams. With the Giants though, you never know what you’re getting. They could take the Packers down to the wire again, or they could shit the bed and lose by 30. My feeling is that after two weeks off, Rodgers is going to annihilate the Giants’ secondary, and the defense will do enough to keep a comfortable lead. Also, there’s no way this team is losing after dedicating the game to Joe Philbin and his family.

Packers by 10

On a related note, I’d like to call attention to the fact that I WAS TOTALLY RIGHT ABOUT MATT FLYNN!! You probably laughed to yourself when I said that he would torch the Lions and lead the Packers to victory in week 17. Well who’s laughing now, asshole? Not only did Flynn win, he broke EVERY single-game passing record in franchise history. So I think I’m more than justified in saying that Matthew Clayton Flynn is the greatest quarterback in Packer history. In fact, he played nearly as well as my other personal favorite...

TEBOW DID IT AGAIN!! TEBOW DID IT AGAIN!! TE-BOW! DID! IT! AGAIN!!
As impressive as Flynn was against Detroit, Tim “Tesus” Tebow was even better against the defending AFC champion Pittsburgh Steelers. Timmy Terrific threw for 316 yards and two touchdowns with a passer rating of 125.6 in addition to rushing for another touchdown and kicking three field goals*. His 80-yard strike to Demaryius Thomas in overtime was purely magical. Slowly but surely, the doubters are turning into believers (Except for you, Jared. Take your “Tebow is the antichrist” theory and shove it up your ass.) When he was drafted, people said “Tebow can’t play in the NFL because he can’t throw”. Later they said “Tebow can’t win games”. Then it was “Tebow can’t lead a team to the playoffs”. Then he “couldn’t win a playoff game”. Just imagine what Tebow “can’t” do next. My prediction: Tebow is going to lead the Broncos to the Super Bowl. And the World Series. And the NBA Finals. 

Also, the Chode would like to thank Tebow and the Broncos for allowing me to win a slap bet with my foolish friend Jared Sawle last week. If I were you Jared, I’d start growing a beard out now, and maybe in three or four years you’ll have enough cushion to save your face from my furious palms.

In fantasy news, I am refusing to acknowledge the winner of the Sorry For Partying league championship, and I request that the commissioner strikes this entire season from the record books on account of Nate’s blatant cheating. Also, I have a few more suggestions to improve the league for next year. First and foremost, we need a trophy. Or a championship belt. Between all of us, I’m sure we can find or build something suitably awesome. Second, we should put money on the league. Nothing huge, but I think throwing in around $15 per person would raise the stakes and make everyone try harder. Third, I think we should do an auction instead of a draft. Just throwing it out there. Let me know what you guys think.

I’ve got a couple more random tangents before we wrap it up this week:

Dear University of Minnesota students, please stop referring to your school as “The U”. That nickname has belonged to University of Miami for over three decades now. If for some reason you’d like to tell somebody where you go to school (I can’t imagine why you would), feel free to tell them that you study at “Hell on Earth”, or “Where Dreams go to Die”, or “The Worst of the Big Ten”, or “The University of Gary Anderson’s Loserville” or even “Not Wisconsin”. Anything but “The U”. The only thing “U” stands for in Minnesota is underachievement. Also, ugly. Like Goldy Gopher.

Speaking of ugly things, baby-faced Eli Manning. All babies are ugly. If you don’t think that babies are ugly, it only means that you haven’t seen enough of them. Stupid, illiterate, jobless leaches. The absolute worst part of my job is when I have to take blood from babies. First they’re laying there in the crib, all smug and shit. Then when you poke them they start crying and making a scene. I want to punt every single one of them. I have a feeling that pediatrics isn’t going to be my specialty. Also, I want to punt Eli Manning’s face. I’m not sure why.

Shout out to the greatest weekend in the history of The Crevice. Thanks to everyone that made it happen. Unfortunately, I probably won’t be able to return until sometime in the late spring or summer. I trust that those of you back home will carry on the tradition proudly.

- Chode Out.

Chode Picks – Week 17

Hello again, ChodeNation, and welcome to the fantasy championship edition of the Chode Picks, brought to you by the bitchin’ Verizon Droid RAZR that I got for Christmas. We’re finally here. After sixteen long weeks of imaginary football struggle, the field has been whittled down to the last two teams standing. Various combinations of injuries, bad luck, poor performances and stupid roster moves have knocked 10 of the 12 teams in the league out of championship contention and into one of the absurdly plentiful five consolation games (seriously, NFL.com? We really need a game to differentiate between 11th and 12th place? Now I have to make up more shit to write about, thanks). Anyways, the winner of this week’s championship game lays claim to 3,000 Chode Points, in addition to eternal bragging rights. That should be all the motivation you guys need. TO THE ‘SHIP!

Championship: Donald Drivehers (14-1) vs Duck Hunter (10-5)

It’s time for me to give credit where credit is due. For the past four years, I’ve been insulting and dismissive when it comes to Nate’s fantasy football team. This year, I’ve repeatedly discounted his league-best record and attributed his success to luck, divine intervention, voodoo, or some combination of all three. However, as the season wore on, it became increasingly clear that one team in this league was head and shoulders above everyone else, and that team’s victories were a result of smart roster moves, innovative strategy and sheer fantasy football brilliance. Nate, I won’t deny it any longer; your team is fantastic, and absolutely deserves to lay claim to the Sorry For Partying league championship. So am I finally going to pick you to win? No fucking way. Do you even read the Chode Picks? As for you Kenne, this may be the most important moment of your young life. You must do everything you can to save us all from the collective humiliation of watching Nate win a championship. LET’S GO KAK!!

Duck Hunter by 1 (I’ll give you more on the Ducks later)

3rd place game: Team Beaupre (10-6) vs No Names (9-6)

Rough week, Mike. First the Pack ends the Bears’ playoff hopes in spectacular fashion (Rodgers threw for 5 TDs for the first time in his career), and then Kenne ends your fantasy title hopes the next day. Sucks to suck. But hey, happy birthday! Actually, I’m not going to lie, turning 22 is kind of a bummer. That’s nearly a quarter of a century. Think about it. Almost a third of your life is gone. Man, getting old is depressing. But do you know what’s more depressing? Adrian Peterson’s left knee. Hahahaha. Sorry Joo, I had to go there. Looks like karma came back to bite Viking fans in the ass after they spent last week celebrating the Packer loss. It brings me great joy to announce that the Packers are now better than the Vikings at every position. It brings me even more joy to announce that Wisconsin is better than Gary Anderson’s Loserville at every sport that people actually care about. Packers over Vikings, Badgers over Gophers in football and basketball, Brewers over Twins, and Bucks over Timberwolves. That’s a clean sweep. And honestly, nobody cares about hockey or women’s basketball. 

Team Beaupre by 22

5th place game: I Plaxidentally shot myself (8-8) vs Weekend at Bernie’s (5-11)

Good God, this is depressing. There’s a 5-11 team that’s competing for 5th place in my fantasy league. How did we let this happen? Regardless, I’m not going to write about this matchup because it makes me want to go cry in a corner. Instead, let’s talk about the most intriguing NFL game this week: Denver Broncos vs Kansas City Chiefs. One one hand, we have Denver fighting to hold off the Raiders for a playoff spot, while the Chiefs are merely playing for pride. On the other hand, Kyle Orton gets a chance to beat the man that took his starting spot in Denver: Tim “The Hammer” Tebow. By the way, I think it’s only appropriate to recognize the fact that Tebow was voted to the Pro Bowl this past week. I can’t help agree with my friend Jared, who told me “that’s retarded”. Agreed. It’s retarded that anyone would vote for Tebow to play in the Pro Bowl, knowing that he’s obviously going to be preparing for Super Bowl XLVI instead. Haha! Anyways, I fully expect The Big Tebowski to succeed where Aaron Rodgers failed and tear apart the Chiefs defense this week. Go ahead. Hate all you want. It’s going to happen.

Broncos by 14 (Weekend at Bernie’s by 3)

7th place game: Chode’s All Stars (8-8) vs Walking a Fine Line (8-7)

Son of a bitch. I don’t understand how this happens every year. I spend weeks researching for the fantasy draft. I follow ESPN religiously to decide who should start in my lineup every week. I NEVER play anyone who’s injured or on a bye week. I make smart free agent pickups. I probably spend more time on fantasy football than anyone else in this league. And yet here I sit at 8-8, playing for 7th place. I have literally nothing to show for my efforts. I hate this game. Well, at least only one of the teams that I own is cursed with the stink of losing. The other team that I own happens to be the defending champions and has a record of 14-1. That’s right. The Chode is now a proud owner of the greatest franchise in sports history, the Green Bay Packers. I have a stock certificate to prove it, and I can literally feel your jealousy bleeding through my computer screen. Anyways, after the Packers win their 14th NFL championship this season I will own exactly 14/112000 of a championship. In case you suck at math, that’s 0.000125 of one NFL title. More importantly, it’s 0.000125 championships more than any Viking has ever claimed.

Chode’s All Stars by 0.000125

Also, at the risk of jinxing my favorite team and drawing the ire of most of my readers, I’m planning to continue writing the Chode Picks throughout the Packers’ playoff run. For those of you that aren’t as cognitively gifted, that means I won’t be writing next week for the wild card round, but the Picks will return for the divisional games, the NFC Championship, and Super Bowl XLVI. Naturally, the Picks will be shorter because I’m only writing about one game, but I’ll try to make them worthwhile still. You’re welcome.

11th place game: Mondolockdown (2-13) vs rockinoutwithmybigblacklockout (7-8)

Well, this game has absolutely no significance to anyone, so I’m going to write about the NFL equivalent instead: this week’s titanic matchup between the Colts and Jaguars. Let me ask you this: As a Colts fan, would you rather have your team finish 2-14 and draft a future franchise quarterback, or finish 3-13 and draft an offensive tackle? There’s only one right answer to that question, by the way. If you’re an intelligent football fan, you probably realize that the best thing that could happen to the Colts this week is for them to lose intentionally and secure the #1 pick in the NFL Draft. So naturally, that means that if you’re a Colts fan, you should root for the Jaguars this week, right? WRONG. I’m only going to say this once, so pay attention. If you EVER find yourself rooting for your team to lose a game, you are no longer allowed to call yourself a true fan. Do you hear me, Viking fans? Rams fans? So-called Colts fans? I don’t care if you’re get to draft the greatest player in NFL history, you’ve still sold your soul as a sports fan. There’s no coming back from that point.

Rockinoutwithmybigblacklockout by 12

NBA Update! Your 2012 World Champion Miami Heat are now 3-0 after dominating victories over the Mavericks, Celtics and Bobcats. Despite David Stern’s best efforts to screw the Heat over with the toughest schedule in the league, Miami appears primed to make a run at the ’96 Bulls all-time winning percentage record (by the way, if you’re a true Wisconsin fan you should be rooting for them to break it. Do you really want Illinois to be able to claim the greatest basketball team ever? Didn’t think so). It appears that LeBron, Dwyane, Chris and company have finally realized that they’re faster and more powerful than anybody, ever. Also, Miami has finally found it’s long-term solution at point guard, Norris Cole. Norris Cole, the guy who threw down a 40 point, 20 rebound game at Cleveland State last year. Norris is an ice Cole killer. Norris Cole shaves with an axe. Norris Cole once played with Legos as a child, and the Egyptians have been grateful to him ever since. Norris Cole galvanizes the masses.

Also, Kevin Durant had a pretty sick game-winning three-pointer tonight for the Thunder. Even if you don’t like basketball, you’ve got to appreciate that kind of performance under pressure.

Rose Bowl Update! Less than three days until I board the plane for sunny Pasadena, and less than four days until the Badgers shut everybody’s mouths by beating the hell out of the Oregon Ducks. I’ve literally pissed myself in excitement three times in the past week. The official University of Wisconsin slogan for the Rose Bowl is “Quack is Whack”. I find it disappointing that the upper brass at the University decided to reject my suggestion: “Fuck the Ducks”, which I think is much more concise and effective. Oh well. Won’t keep me from being any less rude and offensive to the Ducks’ faithful once I set foot in California. I’ll let you know how it goes. 

Finally, this week it was time for me to address an issue that’s been lingering over my head since early in the season. You see, a certain portion of the Chode followers have been calling to me to debate ESPN’s Skip Bayless for quite some time now. Honestly, I don’t know why, because Skip and I have absolutely nothing in common. He went to Vanderbilt, while I go to Wisconsin. He thinks Tom Brady is the best quarterback in the NFL, while I know that Aaron Rodgers’ left testicle holds more skill than the entire Patriots’ roster. He thinks LeBron is overrated, while I think that the human brain hasn’t evolved far enough to understand how great LeBron is. Also, he’s ugly. Regardless, to appease my readers, I sent Skip the following email this week:

Dear Mr Bayless,

My name is Alex Quilling. I am the writer, editor and publisher of the Chode Picks, the Midwest’s premier source of sports analysis. My readership spans from the vast expanses of North Dakota to the dense forests of Michigan. Recently, my readers have been requesting that I engage you in a live debate about various topics in the world of sports, including but not limited to: Aaron Rodgers’ superiority to Tom Brady, the all-time greatness of the Miami Heat, the Big Ten’s dominance of the SEC, Vanderbilt’s overrated academic reputation, and of course, Tim Tebow’s awesomeness. If you would be so kind as to pay my travel expenses to Bristol, Connecticut, I would gladly debate you on your own show, First Take (I’m sure I’ll make a better co-host than that jackass Stephen A. Smith). Otherwise, I would be glad to host you for a debate in Madison, Wisconsin, provided that you bring a camera crew to capture our epic debate. I sincerely hope that you will not rob from both of our fans this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. You may contact me at aquilling@wisc.edu, or follow me on Twitter at @chodepicks.

Best Regards,

Alex Quilling

I really hope he has the balls and sense of humor to respond. Otherwise I’ll have to go after Bill Simmons.

A few more thoughts before we wrap it up this week:

Does anyone else think it’s odd that Aaron Rodgers, Tom Brady and Andrew Luck all wear #12?

The best strategy for the Packers to beat the Lions this week? Put lipstick on Matthew Stafford and watch Erik Walden beat the living hell out of him.

It took Jay Cutler five seasons to develop a nagging injury that will make him ineffective for the rest of his career. Christian Ponder got it done in less than one season.

Jimmer Fredette is the Tebow of the NBA.

Vodka + Tequila = Vodquila. It tastes exactly how it sounds.

You know how time seems to pass more slowly when you’re on shrooms? No? Okay, well I think the opposite occurs when you’re hammered. It took me four whole hours to write the Chode Picks this week. That’s a personal record.

Lastly, I leave you with… skydiving midgets!!

-Chode Out.

Chode Picks – Week 16

Can you hear them? Listen closely, gentlemen. They started off as faint murmurs of discontent, increasing to audible grumbles of jealousy during the past two months, and finally, they’ve come to a raging crescendo of hateful bitterness this week. Can you hear them now? Turn your ears to the west, towards the state formerly know as Minnesota. Towards the masses of pitiful, cowardly haters. They’ve been waiting. For three months, they’ve been waiting, watching, and praying for a Green Bay defeat. Finally, a week ago their prayers were answered by the unlikeliest of saviors, Kyle Orton and the Kansas City Chiefs. As an improbable sequence of injuries, dropped passes and poor coaching decisions combined to derail the Packers’ undefeated season, those miserable bastards finally had a reason to rejoice. And naturally, they responded by bombarding the Chode with tactless taunts, blissfully ignoring the fact that their own team has won exactly two games all season. In light of these circumstances, I would like to dedicate this Christmas edition of the Chode Picks to all of the haters, and more specifically, the ever-dwindling population of Viking fans. This one’s for you, assholes. I wish I could see things from your perspective, but I really don’t think I’ll ever be able to get my head that far up my ass. I know it’s not your fault that you’ve become bitter and jaded from growing up watching season after season of Viking and Gopher futility. It’s also not your fault that you’re forced to watch the Twins collapse in October every year (by the way, they jumped the gun a bit in 2011). But damn, could you at least make an effort to hide your Minnesotan inferiority complex? I’m embarrassed for you. I think the real reason that Viking fans were so ecstatic about the Packer loss is that they were all secretly terrified of the idea of a 19-0 Packers season. Can you imagine what it would be like to watch your bitter rival complete the greatest season in sports history, knowing that you’ll probably never even get the chance to claim a single championship? I suppose the silver lining in the Packer loss was that they probably kept a few Minnesotans from calling the suicide hotline this week. I guess we’ll just have to settle for winning back-to-back Super Bowls. Damn. Also, it makes me giggle that the Packers, at 13-1, probably have as many wins as the Timberwolves will get all season. In summary, fuck your Vikings, fuck your Twins, fuck your Gophers, and fuck everything else that comes out of that wretched state (which from this point on, will be referred to as GaryAnderson’s Loserville). If you’d like to talk more shit, we’ll be over here with our 13 NFL championships and 11,000 lakes. Suck it.

As far as the Packers, we had a good run, but I think it’s pretty obvious that it’s time to blow it up and start over. Might as well trade Rodgers for all he’s worth and start rebuilding around Matt Flynn and Randall Cobb. Also, we clearly need to get rid of McCarthy. Losing on the road by 5 points is completely unacceptable this late in the season. If he hasn’t figured out how to get the team to win games by now, it’s probably never going to happen. Maybe we can convince Tim Brewster to come coach the Packers. Keep your fingers crossed. All kidding aside though, I think we’re going to see a very angry, motivated Green Bay team tomorrow against Josh McCown and the Bears. Knocking Chicago out of playoff contention will be a great way to get rid of the bitter taste of losing. If you can’t tell, I’m expecting a Packer blowout tomorrow. By the way, congratulations to the Detroit Lions on clinching their first playoff spot since 1999. Good luck against San Francisco in the wild card round. You’re going to need it.

Alright, it’s time for Chode’s annual BCS Bowl-O-Rama. Prepare to be amazed as I preview and pick the winners of every BCS game this year, in order of most important to least important.

Rose Bowl Game presented by Vizio: #10 Wisconsin (11-2) vs #5 Oregon (11-2)

Don’t let the rankings fool you. While the Oregon Ducks were beating up on inferior competition in the Pac-12, Wisconsin was slugging it’s way to a second consecutive Big Ten Championship. To be honest, I think Oregon might not even be one of the best two teams in it’s own conference this year. I almost wish that USC was bowl-eligible so that the Badgers could face a worthy opponent in Pasadena. Also, it’s worth mentioning that in 3 of the last 4 games that Oregon has lost, their opponent has had extra time to prepare for Chip Kelley’s offense. Assuming that we can hold the Ducks to under 40, I’m pretty sure that Russell, Montee and company can put up enough points to bring this one home. By the way, exactly one week from right now, I’ll be in Los Angeles. Enjoy your snow.

Wisconsin by 7

Allstate BCS National Championship Game: #2 Alabama (11-1) vs #1 LSU (13-0)

Hold on a second, haven’t we already seen this game? That’s right, I remember now. I nearly fell asleep in the third quarter because it was so damn boring. If the BCS really wants to include Alabama in this game, then they really need to change their slogan from “every game counts” to “every game counts, unless an SEC team finishes with one loss”. Bullshit. The BCS formula is so blatantly retarded, it probably gets special paychecks from the government three times a year. And if Alabama wins this game, does anyone really think that they deserve to be called national champions? Keep in mind that they got to sit on their asses and eat chicken wings two weeks ago as LSU was beating Arkansas for the SEC championship. Unfortunately, I think that’s where we’re headed. I think Alabama wins a close game and takes home the crystal ball, despite still having a worse record than LSU. God, I hate Nick Saban. On the bright side, we’ll finally get to see an SEC team lose in the national championship. Also, I’m convinced that the SEC’s football dominance is the South’s way of trying to avenge their loss in the Civil War.

Alabama by 3 (ugh)

Tostitos Fiesta Bowl: #4 Stanford (11-1) vs #3 Oklahoma State (11-1)

This will probably be the best game all season that doesn’t actually matter. Both of these teams are pissed off about losing to inferior competition and costing themselves a shot at the title. Both are led by excellent quarterbacks. Both have talented defenses, and both teams play without making a lot of mistakes. At the end of the day though, there’s only one Mike Gundy. I’M A MAN! I’M 40!! COME AFTER ME, STANFORD!!

Oklahoma State by 40

Allstate Sugar Bowl: #13 Michigan (10-2) vs #11 Virginia Tech (11-2)

Somehow, the third best team in the Big Ten gets to play in the Sugar Bowl against the ACC champion. Great. I can’t wait to listen to all of the “experts” at ESPN rip the Big Ten apart after Michigan loses this one. Remember what I said about teams playing better after they have extra time to prepare for Oregon’s offense? Same goes for Denard Robinson.

Virginia Tech by 10

Outback Bowl: Michigan State #17 (10-3) vs #16Georgia (10-3)

Whoops. Sorry, Sparty. I totally forgot that this isn’t a BCS bowl. My bad.

Discover Orange Bowl: #23 West Virginia (9-3) vs #15 Clemson (10-3)

Can somebody please explain to me what the hell these two teams are doing here? Clemson has lost 3 of their last 5 games. West Virginia got blown out by Syracuse, and their best win came against the mighty Cincinnati Bearcats. Let me put it this way: if we had a college football playoff, neither of these teams would make the cut. There are at LEAST 6 other teams that deserve this game more.

Clemson by 6

In other college football news, USC quarterback Matt Barkley has decided to give up a top-10 spot in the NFL draft to come back to Southern Cal for his senior season. See you a year from now in the Rose Bowl, Trojans.

Alright then. Time for the semifinal picks.

Donald Drivehers (13-1) vs No Names (9-5)

Damn it. This game leaves me with two terrible options. Either I pick my longtime nemesis Joo, the guy who knocked me out of the championship bracket last week, or I pick Nate. I’m not quite sure why I hate picking Nate to win, but it feels like I die a little bit inside every time I do. By the way Joo, welcome to the Crevice. Never forget.

Donald Drivehers by 23

Teboning Buffalo Bill (9-5) vs Team Beaupre (10-4)

Here we go. In addition to a spot in the championship game, Oshkosh fantasy football supremacy is on the line in this one. As much as I’d like to pick Kenne based on his team name alone, it appears that God has abandoned the Broncos for the past two weeks. Come on Timmy, pull yourself together. Losing to the Patriots was one thing, but Buffalo? Really? I know it looks cooler when you sneak into the playoffs and then go on a dominating playoff run to win it all (like your 2010 Green Bay Packers, by the way), but Denver is seriously tempting fate. You can’t dick around with a playoff spot on the line. Don’t make a fool out of me.

Team Beaupre by 15

On to the consolation bracket…

Chode’s All Stars (8-7) vs I Plaxidentally Shot Myself (7-8)

First off, I apologize for not getting the Chode Picks out on time this week. Secondly, I demand an apology from all of you for not telling me that all of this week’s games were on Saturday instead of Sunday. I’m not a professional; you can’t possibly expect me to know that on my own. Also, now my lineup sucks because I didn’t make my roster changes in time. It’s all your faults. Ah, what the hell. For the second time in the ENTIRE HISTORY of the Chode Picks, I’ll pick myself to lose. Reverse jinx, anyone?

I Plaxidentally Shot Myself by 37

Weekend at Bernie’s (4-11) vs Moore is Less (5-10)

Neither of you care who wins this game. You know it, I know it, and honestly, I don’t blame either of you one bit.

TIE

On to the second consolation bracket...

Its on like Ndamukong (5-9) vs Mondolockdown (2-12)

Mondlock, you’ve pretty much got last place locked up by now. It takes an astounding amount of ineptitude to lose 14 out of 16 games in a fantasy season, but you’re right on the cusp of it. Also, I’m positive that you’re not going to read this, so I’ll come right out and say it: you are without a doubt the ugliest person on the planet. It’s not even close. Also, Jordan was overrated.

Its on like Ndamukong by 81

Walking a Fine Line (7-7) vs rockinoutwithmybigblacklockout (7-7)

You know what, Dave? I read your blog. All of it. And although I appreciate your writing, I was appalled that you’ve been cheating on us with two other leagues. All this time, I thought we had something special. I feel used. By the way, where do you get off picking Oregon to beat Wisconsin? Or picking Marquette to go further than the Badgers in the NCAA tournament? Who the hell do you think you are? I’ll make the outlandish predictions around here, thank you very much. For example, the Miami Heat will beat the Dallas Mavericks by 42 points tomorrow. That’s a stone cold fact. And even if most of you don’t give a damn about the NBA, you’re probably going to check the score tomorrow just to see how much I was off by.

Walking a Fine Line by 10

This week, the Ohio State football program was sanctioned with a one-year bowl ban beginning in 2012, as well as the loss of four scholarships. Based on these punishments, Penn State should be bowl-eligible again sometime around the year 2072.

In other college football news, Georgia head coach Mark Richt was hit with NCAA violations this week for paying his assistant coaches money out of his own pocket because he didn’t feel like they were being compensated fairly. Outrageous. How DARE you, Coach Richt? Charity and fairness have never been NCAA-sponsored values. Shame on you, Mark.

Ladder. High five, Sawle.

A very merry Christmas to you all.

- Chode Out.