Chode Picks – Week 9

Happy November, bitch!  It’s officially the worst month of the year now that Halloween is over, and we’re staring down five bleak months of winter ahead, but that’s not going to rain on my parade today.  Nope, not when my bitchin’ new Jordy Nelson jersey just arrived in the mail, fresh from China and expertly stitched by the finest child laborers Southeast Asia has to offer.  Try to contain your jealousy.  It couldn’t have come at a better time, considering Jordy is coming off of a two-score performance against Minnesota and is keeping our prolific passing attack alive and well despite the emergence of Eddie “Lace Mode” Lacy and our new power running game.  Thank God, because I’m fairly certain Vince Lombardi has been rolling in his grave for the past few years due to our continued inability to gain yards on the ground.  With our offense in it’s current state, I imagine he’s still spinning underground, but doing so with a massive erection, producing a hollow, knocking sound against the sides of his coffin.  You are sincerely welcome for that image.

And since today is November 1^st, I imagine many of you will be partaking in Novembeard.  Unfortunately, I won’t be able to participate this year, because on the few occasions I have to deal with patients this month, I’m not allowed to look like an unkempt savage.  Damn it all.  So as a replacement, I will be kicking off the first ever month-long competition of…

…wait for it…

NovemBEER!!  Brilliant, I know.  Rather than pledging to raise awareness about men’s health by growing out my face-fur, I’ll be raising awareness for coronary artery disease (Did you know alcohol modestly raises your good cholesterol?  You do now!) by pledging to drink an average of at least three beers a day for the month of November.  Yes, I know that’s only three cases for an entire month.  I could do better, but I just like whiskey too damn much to limit myself to beer alone.  But I’d like to invite you all to participate in Novembeer with me.  Keep track of your beer count for the entire month and the winner at the end will get 40 Chode Points.  We’re gonna be relying on the honor system here, so don’t be a dick. 

CHICAGO BEARS (4-3) at GREEN BAY PACKERS (5-2)

This just keeps getting better.  One week after curb-stomping a Minnesota team forced to choose between the concussed Josh Freeman and the limp-armed wreck Christina Ponder, we get the Bears in Lambeau without Jay Cutler.  And because Chicago apparently couldn’t forsee another inevitable injury to their mopey, dickhead quarterback, they’ll trot out the immortal Josh McCown in Green Bay on Monday night.  Somehow, we’re only favored by ten points.  But maybe I’m being a little to harsh on McCown.  After all, he threw one of the greatest passes in NFL history a decade ago to put the Packers in the playoffs and knock the Vikings out (remember that one, Minnesota?).  But sorry Chicago, I just can’t see a guy who played in the United Football League two years ago keeping this one close.  So for this week’s Chode Points challenge, I want you all to predict the Packers’ winning margin in the comments below.  Closest guess gets 15 points.

Also, I would be remiss if I didn’t spend some time on the Packers’ masterful offensive display last Sunday night.  Aaron Rodgers and company took the field for nine drives last Sunday, and five of those drives resulted in touchdowns.  Three of them finished with made field goals by Mason Crosby, and the last one finished with Rodgers taking a knee to end the game.  Needless to say, punter Tim Masthay was not happy.  His Pro Bowl chances just took a major hit.  And that’s a shame, because he’s been mostly spectacular during his brief run with the Packers.  But honestly, if I were Ted Thompson, I’d cut his ass and sign another receiver.  We’re not gonna need to punt against the Bears anyways.   Expect Aaron and Jordy to pick apart Chicago’s secondary with the same precision and efficiency as all the little Chinese kids it must have taken to stitch together this beautiful jersey.

GREEN BAY by 21

So apparently I was wrong about the St Louis Cardinals.  The team that looked unbeatable almost all year got bombed in Boston last night to lose the World Series.  The Red Sox blasted the Cardinals’ bullpen without mercy and slaughtered their championship dreams.  I have nothing but sympathy for the poor St Louis families that were blown away by this horrible, horrible tragedy.  MISSOURI STRONG!

So if it’s alright with you guys, I think I’ll stick to football and basketball from now on.  Or at least until the Brewers are respectable again.  Then I’ll hop back on the bandwagon.  Don’t judge me.

#24 WISCONSIN BADGERS (5-2) at IOWA HAWKEYES (5-3)

After a brief hiatus, it’s time again for one of college football’s most treasured rivalries, Wisconsin and Iowa, the battle for the Heartland Trophy, which I’m pretty sure most of you didn’t know existed until just now.  Yup.  The trophy game started in 2004, and although it’s surpassed in importance by the battle for Paul Bunyan’s Axe, this rivalry has actually had more than one winner over the past decade.  However, this game gives us a chance to stretch our dominance over the Hawkeyes to five years.  And you can bet we’re not letting it slip away.  Because the truth is, Iowa is merely a less-talented version of Wisconsin.  Not only in athletics, but also in intelligence.  And that friends, is the biggest reason I chose to stay in Madison for med school instead of moving to Iowa City.  That and because UW offered me a scholarship while Iowa merely gave me loans.  HOW DARE YOU, IOWA CARVER COLLEGE OF MEDICINE??

WISCONSIN by 10

By the way, the winner of last week’s costume competition was Zach Niemeyer.  I saw a lot of Miley Cyrus costumes this past weekend, but that was unquestionably the best.  So as of this week, the Chode Points standings are as follows:

Zach Niemeyer: 20 pts

Ben King: 15 pts

Nate, Megan, Eric, Sam and Bianca: 10 pts each

#20 WISCONSIN BASKETBALL (0-0) vs REST OF THE BIG TEN (0-0)

The college basketball season tips off next weekend, and I was going to do a long write-up on why the Kentucky Wildcats are going to steamroll everyone en route to another NCAA title, but then I realized none of you care.  So we’ll stick to the Badgers.  Fortunately, predicting a Badger basketball season is easier than a UW-Stout sorority girl after five margaritas.  Bo Ryan’s crew is going to win somewhere between 20-25 games, finish third or fourth in the Big Ten, make the NCAA tournament seeded somewhere between 3 and 6, and then lose in the round of 32 or the sweet sixteen.  They’ll do this despite having a glaring talent disadvantage against every Big Ten team not named Iowa or Northwestern, and despite not returning any big men except a seven-footer who averaged less than two rebounds a game last year.  So we’re gonna be asking a lot from Sam Dekker, Ben Brust and Josh Gasser.  But they’ll be fine.  Bo always finds a way.  Also, I have absolutely no idea how this team is ranked higher than our football team.  That is ridiculous.  Damn BCS computer bullshit. 

REST OF BIG TEN by 3 (teams)

Seriously, guys.  I wish you could all see this jersey.  It’s beautiful.  The numbers are even stitched on!!  Those magnificent orphans are earning every single cent of their salary. 

#7 MIAMI HURRICANES (7-0) at #3 FLORIDA STATE INJUNS (7-0)

Bold prediction: by tomorrow night, one of these teams will no longer be undefeated.  Haha!  In all seriousness though, I’ll be rooting for Miami tomorrow night.  Not because I have anything against Jameis Winston.  He’s awesome, and I think he should win the Heisman.  More because we need FSU to lose for Ohio State to have any chance of making the BCS title game.  In reality though, everyone wins here because they live in Florida and don’t have to freeze their balls off for half the year. 

MIAMI by 7

FANTASY FOOTBALL: MYOCARDIAL INFARCT INDUCER (4-4) vs LACMBOUH LISTENS TO NICKELBACK (6-2)

First of all, thanks in advance to my friend Lacmbouh for leaving Maurice Jones-Drew and David Akers in the lineup despite being on a bye week.  That takes some balls.  As for my team name, I know a few of you are asking right now “but Chode, don’t you like Nickelback?”  Yes, yes I do.  Nickelback is undoubtedly the greatest rock band of our generation.  Someday you’ll tell your children about them like your parents told you about Elvis or the Beatles.  But apparently there are a few people in this world who think listening to Nickelback is some sort of character flaw.  So I’m acquiescing to them just for a week.  Whatever.  Nickelback rules. 

LACMBOUH LISTENS TO NICKELBACK by 12

Oh.  My.  God.  THEY THREW IN A FREE SWEATBAND WITH THE JERSEY!!  This may be the best day of my life.  Or maybe it’s a tiny vest.  After all, people in China are pretty diminutive.  And I can’t imagine those kids had any need for a sweatband in their safe, well-ventilated working conditions.

Shout out to Nastassja Muchin so she stops asking me if she can be in the Chode Picks.  You’re welcome. 

This week’s edition of the Chode Picks was brought to you by One Wipe Charlie Buttwipes.  Yeah bitch, buttwipes.  It’s the 21^st century.  Time to stop cleaning your ass like a caveman.  Check out the link.  Trust me.  You’ll be glad you did.

- Chode Out

Chode Picks – Week 8

It’s here.  The best weekend of the year in Madison, or anywhere on the planet for that matter: Halloweekend.  Words cannot begin to describe how excited I am.  I’m like a kid in a candy store, or Jerry Sandusky surrounded by kids in a candy store.  Especially after the Packers embarrassed the Factory of Sadness that is the Cleveland Browns and the Wisconsin Badgers murdered our less-skilled neighbors from Illinois last week.  Life is good.  So forgive me for blowing my metaphorical load and getting right into the Picks.  This week’s edition is brought to you by Labatt Ice Lager.  Yes, that’s a real beer.  It’s cheap, strong, and tastes like this piss of Canadian Zeus.  Right up my alley. 

GREEN BAY PACKERS (4-2) at MINNESOTA VIKINGS (1-7)

It’s about damn time.  The Green Bay Packers are back on top of the NFC North, and for the most part, order has been restored to the football universe (Except for the Chiefs being undefeated.  No fucking clue how that happened.)  Better yet, Jay Cutler is out with a pulled groin for 4 to 6 weeks, or however long it takes for his menstrual cycle to reset.  But enough about Chicago.  I’ll get to them later.  Time to break down the good and the bad about the Packer-Viking game this Sunday night.

First, the bad news: too many injuries for the Pack.  Our best defensive player is out with a broken wrist, our best open-field threat is out for twice as long, two of our other best defensive players are out for another month or so, and our super-talented tight end nearly died on the turf in Lambeau last week.

The good news: we play Minnesota this Sunday, the worst-coached team in football.  You see, our less-intelligent neighbors to the west just happen to have the best running back in football, yet they insist on letting those three morons they call “quarterbacks” handle the ball more than Adrian Peterson.  And if you took the combined football talents of Josh Freeman, Matt Cassel and Christian Ponder into one quarterback and named him Jochrismatt Cassmander, he’d be approximately one eight as talented as Aaron Rodgers.  So I’m picking this injury-riddled squad to pound the Vikings in Lambeau West.  And I’ll be shocked if the Metrodome isn’t at least one-third full of Packer fans on Sunday.

GREEN BAY by 21

A couple more notes Minnesota football teams before we move on.  First of all, fuck you Blair Walsh.  You nearly single-handedly took me out of first place in one of my fantasy leagues last week.  You see, going into the Monday night Vikings-Giants game, I was just two points behind my friend Jon Erickson (pays for sex).  Jon had no players in the Monday night tilt, while I had Walsh as my starting kicker.  I didn’t even bother watching the game, mostly because I had a million antibiotics to memorize and also because I was fairly certain he could get me at least two points.  WRONG.  Thanks to the continued ineptitude of the Viking offense, Blair had just one extra point and a single 53-yard field goal attempt.  Which he missed, leaving me with ZERO points from my kicker, and with an embarrassing loss on my otherwise sterling fantasy record.  Damn it.  It’s weeks like this that make me wonder why I waste so much time on fantasy football.  But then I remember that I’m doing it for the sole purpose of making the Chode Picks more interesting.  Hey, speaking of the Picks…

BRETT FAVRE (0-0) vs ST LOUIS RAMS (3-4)

Yes, as you may or may not have heard, the Rams called up the old gunslinger this week and offered him the chance to play in the NFL again after Sam Bradford was lost for the season with a torn ACL.  Thankfully for all parties involved, he turned them down.  Probably because he realized the Rams’ offensive line is shit and at 44 years old, he has less scrambling ability than Oprah Winfrey.  Congratulations on your 3-13 season, St. Louis.  But on a more positive note…

FAVRE by default

ST LOUIS CARDINALS (1-1) vs BOSTON RED SOX (1-1)

Yup, it’s that time of year again, where I pretend to be a baseball fan for a couple weeks and arbitrarily pick a team to win the World Series based on nothing at all.  And while a few of my diehard Brewer friends have disowned me for jumping on the Cardinal bandwagon, at least we know Carlos Beltran isn’t going to cheat his way to the top, lie about it and then get suspended for half a season.  Yes, that was a shot at Ryan Braun.  Also, David Ortiz and Manny Ramirez.  Deal with it.  I’m not sure when or how we let this happen, but the Brewers have now become the Vikings to the Cardinals’ Packers: a group of jealous, bitter, incompetent jerks rooting against everything good about sports.  And that my friends, is why I don’t follow baseball.  Go Cardinals.

St Louis in seven.

NEBRASKA (5-1) at MINNESOTA (5-2)

How the Gophers got five wins on the season is beyond me.  Hell, they might even beat Indiana this year and get to six wins so they can make a bowl and get crushed by the last-place team in the SEC again.  Regardless, they’re going down like Miley Cyrus on her coke dealer this week.  And believe it or not, there are a few people out there who think Nebraska should be ranked ahead of Wisconsin based on their “superior” record.  Bullshit.  Remember the last Big Ten Championship game?  That’s what I thought.  I can’t wait for the Cornhuskers to get mauled by Ohio State in December and watch the Badgers vault over them for a BCS at-large berth.  You heard it here first.

NEBRASKA by 17

WISCONSIN (5-2) vs BYE WEEK (0-0)

Damn it, Joel.  Either learn how to throw an accurate pass in the next seven days or prepare to hold a clipboard for the rest of your college career.

WISCONSIN by default

Quick note on last week’s Chode Points: I appreciate your collective enthusiasm in naming Barry Alvarez’s predecessor as UW athletic director: Pat Richter.  And I owe you all an apology for not making it specifically clear that I meant to award points to the first person to name him in the comments.  But since its my fault that I didn’t explicitly explain the rules, I’m awarding all of you ten Chode Points (even you, Nate).  But Ben King gets five extra points for naming him first.  I’ll be sure to make the directions more clear from now on.   So for this week’s edition, whoever posts the best Halloween costume below will be awarded with 20 Chode Points.  Pictures aren’t required, but they’re strongly encouraged.

NBA PREVIEW: CHICAGO BULLS (0-3) vs MIAMI HEAT (3-0)

Sorry, I couldn’t hold this back any longer.  I’ve had just about enough of my Illinois friends claiming that they’re good enough to “beat the Heat in seven” this year. HA!  Considering that Kirk Hinrich is already hurt and Joakim Noah’s estrogen levels are spiking again, they’ll be lucky to challenge Indiana for the honor of losing to Miami in the playoffs again.  Also, Greg Oden.  Greg fucking Oden.  He’s back, he’s relatively healthy, and he’s ready to kick some Eastern Conference ass.  Shit, we might as well just hand over the three-peat to the Heat and erase the ’96 Bulls from the record book.  And for those of you waiting for LeBron to leave so you can rub it in my face next offseason, I hate to crush your dreams (No, that’s a lie.  I love crushing your dreams.), but as long as Pat Riley is in charge, we’re going to keep racking up titles at the expense of our sad-sack friends in Illinois.  And nobody cares about hockey.

MIAMI by 3

FANTASY FOOTBALL:

FOURNIER’S SCROTEAM (3-4) vs MILSAP LOVES KIDDIE PORN (5-2)

First of all, congratulations to Alex Milsap on coming up with the second-best fantasy team name in our league.  For the rest of you non-doctor folk, go ahead and Google “Fournier’s gangrene of the scrotum” for reference.  I’ll wait.

…

Done throwing up?  Good.  Because statistically, that’s going to happen to at least one male reading this.  Anyways, I fully intend to keep changing my fantasy team name in my med school league to a personal insult about whoever I’m playing that week.  Deal with it, nerds.  And since Milsap’s team is terrible, I’ll take another victory on my way to TWO fantasy titles this fall.

MILSAP LOVES KIDDIE PORN by 9

KIDDIE KIDDIE BANG BANG (5-2) vs I’M FEELING LUCKY (4-3)

Yes, both of my teams reference pedophilia this week.  Don’t judge me.  But this is Bianca’s punishment for posting that God-awful song on the Chode Picks two weeks ago.  I’m going to kick her ass.  Also, I’m going to show up to your Halloween party tomorrow and puke all over the living room.  You deserve it.  Apparently I can’t trust you guys with anything.

KIDDIE KIDDIE BANG BANG by 40

I got sick this week for the first time since last winter.  THANKS, OBAMACARE.

May you all have the happiest of Halloweekends.  And remember to post a picture of your costume.

- Chode Out.

Chode Picks – Week 7

Surprise!  Welcome back to an extra-special EARLY edition of the Chode Picks!!  That’s right, it’s Thursday in Madison, center of the known universe, and there has not yet been a single game of football played this week.  As such, given my recent half-assed approach to the Picks, I’ve decided to get back to my roots and publish this garbage on the day I originally intended.  For those of you who have been reading me for the entire eight-year saga (all three of you), you might remember that the Chode Picks used to be faithfully submitted on Thursday every week for your reading pleasure (seriously).  Sadly, over the many years, school, girls, laziness and my love of sweet, sweet alcohol has usually gotten in the way of instead.  But not this week, damn it.  This week, you get nothing less than the full-frontal Chode experience.  You’re welcome.

And in the spirit of my renewed commitment to my readers, I’m bringing back an old tradition: Chode Points.  So for every week until the end of the season, I’ll be issuing a challenge to all of you for a specified amount of points.  The lucky reader who ends up with the most points at the end of the year will receive one of three fantastic prizes from yours truly.

1)   A six-pack of the nicest beer I can purchase at Miller’s Liquor.  OR…

2)   A case of the shittiest beer I can purchase at Miller’s Liquor.  OR…

3)   A shot of your choosing provided you can find me at a bar in Madison, Menomonie or anywhere in between.  Yes, any shot.  Wild Turkey, Patron, Grey Goose, Q-Bombs sprinkled with my tears and flecks of sterling silver, you name it.  I’ll buy it. 

For this week’s challenge, we’ll start with an easy one because I know my readers, and asking more than bare minimum effort isn’t going to get us anywhere.  So for ten Chode Points, name the athletic director who preceded Barry Alvarez at UW in the comments below.  Simple, easy and you’ve got a headstart on the race towards a case of Beer 30 Ice.  Just kidding.  Miller’s Liquor doesn’t sell beer that shitty, unfortunately.  By the way, this week’s edition of the Chode Picks is sponsored by Miller’s Liquor on University Avenue. 

Anyways, I want to thank everyone reading this for sticking with me through what were admittedly two subpar editions of the Chode Picks the past two weeks.  Just know that I will immediately retract this apology after you soil yourself reading this week’s edition from its sheer awesomeness.  You see, I’m taking a break from studying tonight, because a thousand pages of pathophysiology over the past two months have succeeded in leeching the humanity from me and nearly made me forget why I wanted to become a doctor in the first place: to make a fuckload of money.  Hey, at least I’m honest.  During my freshman year of college (WAY back in the day) I realized that all I really wanted from life was enough money to let me get drunk whenever I wanted.  Shallow, yes I know.  But five years later, now that I’ve grown into an adult, I’ve discovered the one thing that will bring me true joy: enough money to get drunk off single-malt scotch on my luxury yacht whenever I want.  You know, sometimes in life it’s the big things that matter the most.  Like money.  Sweet, sweet money.  Hey, speaking of rich dudes…

BO RYAN!!  No, it’s not college basketball season yet.  But the highest-paid public employee in Wisconsin held a fundraiser named “Shooting Down Cancer” today at the Kohl Center a couple miles from my house.  Every UW student was invited to show up this afternoon and raise money for cancer research by shooting a free-throw and a half-court shot.  If you make the free throw, Bo donates $10.  If you make the half-court shot, he donates $1,000.  And for just showing up, he donates $1.  So naturally, I decided to run over after class and show off my sick basketball skills while taking a small bite out of Coach Ryan’s salary (the dude makes over $2 million a year).  I got there about 20 minutes early, so I was one of the first 20 people to shoot.  As I stepped to the free throw line, I could feel the anticipation building in the crowd.  Point guard George Marshall handed me the ball and muttered something that I’m going to assume was “good luck” (honestly, I can never understand a word he says).  I calmly took two dribbles, spun the ball in my hands, did my LeBron deep-knee bend… and bricked that sonofabitch off the side of the rim.  Damn it.  No matter.  I still had the half-court heave to redeem myself as a world-class athlete.  After jogging to midcourt and skillfully catching a pass from Sam Dekker, I gathered myself, took a running start, launched it straight at the basket and... SWISH!!!  THREE POINTS FOR CHODE AND A THOUSAND DOLLARS FOR BO RYAN!!  The crowd went nuts.  After taking a celebratory picture with Bo and respectfully declining a spot on the team, I jogged home with the warm, happy glow of knowing that I made a difference in the battle against cancer.  In fact, with over $66,000 raised today for cancer research by UW, I think that might just be enough to put an end to the world’s most ubiquitous illness once and for all.  LOL.  Just kidding.  We’re at least thirty years from anything that could be considered a “cure” for cancer.  Hopefully it’s here by the time we’re all old.  But don’t hold your breath.  And don’t smoke.  It causes cancer. 

Oh by the way, I actually missed the half-court shot.  It wasn’t close.  I’m a shitty basketball player.  Just wanted to feel cool for a second.  Sorry guys. 

Alright then.  Let’s get to the picks, okay?

SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (5-1) vs ARIZONA CARDINALS (3-4)

Yes, this game has probably already ended.  But I didn’t watch it, and I haven’t checked the score on ESPN yet, so I’m writing about it anyways.  Mostly because I want to explain how stupid it is to play NFL games on Thursday night.  First and foremost, it distracts me from being productive and/or drinking.  Secondly, it’s clearly a money grab by the NFL in their attempt to expand NFL games to every night of the week.  Third, it’s not good for players.  It’s been a long time since I played high school football, but I think I’m still right when I say that it takes more than three days to recover from repeatedly slamming yourself into the biggest, fastest, strongest athletes in the world while wearing only a plastic hat for protection.  So if Roger Goodell truly cares even a little about player safety, he ought to limit NFL football to Sunday and Monday, the way God intended. 

Oh by the way, I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I’m still subconsciously rooting against Russell Wilson.  I can’t help it.  I know he gave UW the best season we’ve had in over a decade and he’s a class act.  I hope someday I get over that game but realistically, it probably won’t happen until we beat those a-holes in the playoffs.

Seattle by 10

DETROIT TIGERS vs BOSTON RED SOX

I know.  I know the Red Sox won tonight.  I know they’re up 3-2 in the series now and just a win away from going to the World Series.  I know they’ll probably close out Detroit in game six.  But I still HATE BOSTON FOR REASONS THAT AREN’T CLEAR TO ME!  Shit, I even stayed there once for a research conference and had a great time.  What the hell is wrong with me?  Go Tigers.

Detroit in 7

MIAMI HEAT (2-1) vs REST OF NBA (1-2)

Ha.  Just kidding.  Not going there yet.  I’ll get to my NBA preview in the next couple of weeks.  But I’m just gonna throw this out there now: I’ll bet any amount of money (or slaps) on the Heat this year.  Pick any other team you want.  Thunder, Spurs, Bulls, Pacers, Lakers (HAHA!), Rockets, it doesn’t matter.  Name the bet and I’ll take it.  Ten Chode Points for anyone with enough balls (or ovaries) to challenge me. 

Miami by three-peat

DEOMCRATS vs REPUBLICANS

Congratulations to both sides on working out a deal before their own dick-headed stubbornness completely screwed us all over for years to come.  No, not really.  You all suck.  See you again in January.

Still, nobody wins.  Quilling for President.

Okay, time to get to fantasy football.  I’m giving you two of my matchups this week, just so you can bask in the glory of my managerial brilliance.

KIDDIE KIDDIE BANG BANG (5-1) vs I WONDERLIC-ED HER (2-4)

Sole possession of first place through six weeks.  It’s time to recognize that my team is more than just a fluke.  And despite missing Randall Cobb and Jimmy Graham to injury this week, the pain train is gonna keep on rolling through my Madison league.  To make a long story short, I’m going to murder Garrison like Adrian Peterson’s illegitimate son this week. (Too soon?)  And I’d like to extend to him my sincerest congratulations on finding a way to lose four of six games so far despite having Peyton Manning.  I don’t know how you do it.  Oh wait, yes I do.  It’s because you skipped the auction and auto-drafted Montee Ball as your first RB.  Sucks to suck.

KIDDIE KIDDIE BANG BANG by 18

TEAM ERICKSON (5-1) vs JON ERICKSON PAYS FOR SEX (5-1)

Yes, I changed my team name again.  But I thought it was appropriate, given that Jon and I are about to face off for the Midseason Championship in my med school league.  I’m not quite as confident about this game, since his team is projected to score 160 and mine* is only set for 120.  Whatever.  As long as Jordy Nelson scores enough to make up for James Jones and Cobb, I’ll be good.  By the way, I’m going as Jordy for at least one night of Halloween this year.  I’ve been told that we look a lot alike, except for the obvious fact that I’m taller and more athletic. 

JON ERICKSON PAYS FOR SEX by 87

Okay.  Time for a couple more thoughts before I call it quits for the week.

-       The UW football team is going to kick the living shit out of Illinois on Saturday.  Thank God it’s an away game, so I can spare myself from the difficult task of waking up at 6:00 AM and drinking until 11:00 just to watch us rush for 400 yards against the FIBs. 

-       Oregon is wearing pink uniforms on Saturday.  Because everyone knows that wearing ridiculous uniforms while playing a football game is the best way to prevent breast cancer, right?  I just feel bad for Washington State, because there are very few things more humiliating than losing to a team dressed in women’s clothing.  Quack.

-       Country music is a lot like anal sex.  If it’s forced upon you as a child, you won’t enjoy it as an adult.

- God Bless America.  Chode Out.

Chode Picks - Week Six

Hello again friends, and welcome to another late, half-assed edition of the Chode Picks!  It’s currently Sunday evening, nearly all of the week’s football games have already been played, and I’m in the painful process of recovering from yet another devastating hangover brought on by 48 hours of drunken debauchery.  Shocker, I know.  Every week around this time, I promise myself that I’m going to respect the reasonable limits of my stomach and liver the next weekend, and unfortunately, every week I prove myself wrong.  Sigh.  Post-exam weekends, what are you gonna do?  Anyways, this weekend gave me the chance to do something I don’t get to do often: get hammered with my classmates.  There’s really nothing more inspiring than watching the future doctors of Wisconsin throw up all over my house, but the downside is that everything now smells like a mixture of stale beer, tequila and stomach acid.  Regardless, thank God we’re done with exams for a month or so.  Let’s get to the good and bad from this week’s sports action.

GOOD: WISCONSIN FOOTBALL TEAMS

Well, I’ll be damned.  The Badgers and Packers found a way to both win for the first week all season.  I had nearly forgotten what it feels like for all of my teams to play well at the same time.  I imagine this is the opposite of what Minnesotans feel every weekend in the fall.  And speaking of that team in purple, I think I speak for everyone when I say that I have nothing but sympathy for Adrian Peterson and his family.  Sometimes, people are evil and life just plain sucks.  And if there’s a line that not even I will cross when it comes to making immature jokes, this is it.  There’s probably a lesson to be learned here other than “don’t beat up your children”, but I can’t think of it right now. 

While we’re on the subject of Wisconsin football, I need to admit that I’m starting to give up on Joel Stave.  The lopsided win over Northwestern overshadowed his less-than stellar play, but I can’t possibly imagine how Curt Phillips and Bart Houston could be any less accurate than Joel has been this year.   I can’t even make fun of Taylor Martinez in good conscience anymore because Stave is making him look like Peyton Manning by comparison.  Luckily, as I discussed last week, the schedule only gets easier from here on out until we sneak our way back into the Rose Bowl to get demolished by Oregon, Clemson or Florida State.  Can’t wait.

BAD: RANDALL COBB’S KNEE, CLAY MATTHEWS’ THUMB AND JAMES JONES’ LEG

Uh-oh.  This is trouble.  As much faith as I have in Jordy Nelson to catch anything and everything thrown in his direction, we need all three of these guys healthy to contend for a title.  Luckily, we have what amounts to an extended two-week bye with games against Cleveland and Minnesota next on the schedule.  So let’s all cross our fingers and hope that none of the three decide to pull a Derrick Rose on us and sit out for an extended period. 

Also, now seems like a good time to point out that Eddie Lacy is a much better NFL running back than Montee Ball.  I wonder who would have seen that coming before the season? Oh, that’s right.  Me. 

GOOD: BOSTON SPORTS TEAMS

Big day for Beantown today, with the Patriots knocking off the previously unbeaten Saints on a last-second touchdown pass and the Red Sox coming back from four runs down against the Tigers in the ALCS.  I’m not gonna lie, I was rooting against them both.  For reasons that aren’t entirely clear to me, I sort of despise Boston sports teams.  Not to the extent that I hate Chicago or Minnesota, but enough to make me root for just about anyone else instead.  Maybe it’s because of their stupid accents.  Or their shitty baseball stadium that they’re so damn proud of.  Or maybe I just don’t like Rajon Rondo’s face.  Either way, I’m pulling for the Tigers and the Cardinals to meet in the World Series.  Yes, the Cardinals.  Don’t judge me.  They’re the Packers of baseball. 

BAD: THE WASHINGTON INDIGENOUS PEOPLE OF THE POTOMAC RIVER BASIN

So I’m watching the ‘Skins-Cowboys game right now, and it’s becoming increasingly obvious that nobody on defense is allowed to make contact with Robert Griffin III when he’s within five yards of the sidelines.  I’m just gonna assume this is Emperor Goodell’s doing.  Thanks again Roger, for your continued efforts to turn my favorite sport into soccer.  And no, I don’t think the name “Redskins” is overly offensive.  Washington D.C. has bigger problems anyways, namely high poverty, high crime rates and a bunch of shitheads in Congress running the country into the ground.  Maybe we should re-name them the Fighting Whiteys instead.

GOOD: MATT FLYNN

Yes, we’re going there.  For those of you who don’t know, I have a bit of a man-crush on Flynn.  Back when he rode the bench behind Aaron Rodgers, I knew it was only a matter of time before he’d find his own break as a big-time NFL quarterback.  Then in week 17 of the 2011 season, it happened.  With Rodgers sitting out because we had already clinched the #1 seed, Flynn broke just about every single-game passing record in Packer history against the Lions.  Since that game, he’s started one NFL game, but signed TWO massive contracts with Seattle and Oakland, only to be beaten out for the top job by Russell Wilson and Terelle Pryor each time.  This season, Flynn will make a little less than ten million dollars for playing a single football game in Oakland, more than the salaries of Wilson, RG3, Andrew Luck, Brandon Weeden and Ryan Tannehill COMBINED.  Well played, Matt.  Remember this moment next year when Josh Freeman is murdering the Vikings’ season and Flynn is leading the Jaguars to the playoffs.  Until further notice, he’s the most valuable quarterback in the NFL. 

FANTASY FOOTBALL: KIDDIE KIDDIE BANG BANG (4-1) vs A GIANT DOUCHE (3-2)

If you had told me yesterday that Jimmy Graham wouldn’t have a single damn catch all day and I’d still be winning by 15 points going into Monday, I would have called bullshit.  But that’s the benefit of having your quarterback face the Vikings’ porous defense.  Thanks, Cam Newton.  So unless T.Y. Hilton turns into Jerry Rice overnight, I think my lead is safe here.

KIDDIE KIDDIE BANG BANG by 8

Quick narcissistic side note: a picture of me made the front page of the Chive last week.  It’s from the 2012 Mifflin block party and I have no idea who stole it from my Facebook wall and sent it to the Chive.  But thank you, whoever you are.  The link is here.  And I don’t have a funny video for you this time, somebody help me out.  Not you, Bianca. 

Welp, it’s midnight, time to see if I can fall asleep sober for once on a Sunday night.  I’m getting too old for this.

- Chode Out.