Chode Picks - Championship

Editor’s Note: First of all, sorry I didn’t get these out sooner. I hate to keep you guys waiting, but things got a little crazy in Pasadena and I didn’t have access to my computer for the majority of the trip. Secondly, I wrote the next seven paragraphs BEFORE the Rose Bowl took place. I thought about deleting them and starting over after, but I decided it was too good, and I left it in. Think of it as a bonus: you get Chode’s pre-game and post-game analysis all in one edition. You’re welcome.

Good morning league, and welcome to the final edition of the 2010 season of Chode Picks. This week, the picks are coming to you from the magical city of Los Angeles, home to the University of Southern California Trojans, who will not be playing in the Rose Bowl this week. Bitches. Los Angeles is also home to a variety of disgusting creatures, including bums, panhandlers, actresses, whores, and worst of all, Laker fans. I hope all of you were lucky enough to witness the curb-stomping that the Heat gave the Lakers on Christmas Day, but if you weren’t, I’ll summarize for you: the Miami Heat are the greatest basketball team on the face of the earth, and there’s no way in hell that L.A. is going to win their third championship in a row this summer. Wade for MVP.

In football news, we are less than 48 hours away from the greatest ass-kicking in Rose Bowl history. I’ve done a lot of thinking over the past week, and I came to the conclusion that TCU would have been the 4th or 5th best team in the Big Ten this season. Therefore, I’m predicting a 30+ point blowout for the Badgers. You heard it here first. And if Wisconsin scores 70 or more points, I’ll streak across the Rose Bowl field. Also, TCU is favored by three points. If gambling were legal, I would bet the house on Wisconsin to beat the spread. Sawle, I’m looking in your direction.

In a related story, tomorrow night is New Year’s Eve. Have fun, make some memories, but be safe, and don’t forget to ask youself, “what would Chode do”? Then do the opposite, and thank me later.

Before I get to the picks this week, I have a couple of special shout outs. First, congratulations to the Ohio State Buckeyes for destroying their 2011 football season before it even begins. Put yourself in Terrelle Pryor’s situation: you’re a junior in college, one of the biggest names in college football, and a lock to be drafted, no matter if you decide to leave after your junior year or stay in school. Also, you have a full scholarship, so there’s no need to make money right now. Also, you have both a Rose Bowl and Fiesta Bowl championship under your belt. So naturally, Pryor and a few of his buddies decided to sell their Fiesta Bowl championship rings to make a few extra bucks, and promptly got suspended for the first five games of next season. Whatever money Terrelle made selling his ring, he lost at least 10 times over in decreased NFL Draft stock. So congratulations Ohio State football players, you have captured Chode’s Annual Douche of the Year Award, beating out Brett Favre and Jay Cutler. Quite an accomplishment.

Second, I want to give a shout out to the Chode for finishing his fourth consecutive 4.0 semester last week. “But Chode”, you ask, before you realize the foolishness of talking to your computer “you get hammered every weekend, how can you possibly get A’s in every class?” Well, dear reader, the answer is because I am awesome, and you are not. Also, I have extraordinary luck. Hooray for me. Time for the picks.

Championship Bracket:

The Look of Eli (8-6) vs Suck My PeterSon (10-4)

Damn it. This isn’t happening. Dave is NOT going to win the Sorry for Partying league championship after resting his starters in week 14. I don’t care if Jared’s starting QB and both RBs are out. Sawle, I need you to pull this one off. Do it for me. Do it for sportsmanship and everything good about the game of football. I believe in you. Also Dave, I know I’ve only talked to you a few times in my life, but if you win the league after your late-season shenanigans, you’re a dick.

Suck my PeterSon by 7

Team Beaupre (12-2) vs Its on like Ndamukong (6-8)

That’s what you get for talking shit after knocking me out of the playoffs, Michael. A place in the meaningless third-place game against a team with a losing record. This is the fantasy football equivalent of the Champs Sports Bowl. Nobody cares who wins. Also, I want to thank the Chicago Bears for letting the Packers back into the playoffs this week. I don’t know if the victory was more satisfying than watching Green Bay beat The Traitor twice this year, but it was close. I cannot wait to watch the Saints blow the Bears off the field in the divisional round.

Team Beaupre by 2.98

Consolation Bracket:

Nobody cares about the consolation bracket. Don't kid yourself.

There you have it. The very last Chode Picks of the 2010 season. To help ease your pain, I present to you Chode’s Rose Bowl Trip analysis.

First, if you’ve never taken a cross-country train trip, I would like to highly discourage you from doing so. Imagine being trapped on an elongated coach bus for 44 hours with no access to a shower, overpriced food and drinks, and a shitload of old, ugly people. Then imagine that you’re sitting next to an old, dirty hippie woman for the entire trip. Welcome to my wonderful life. You can probably guess what my remedy to the situation was. Did you guess massive quantities of alcohol? You are correct, my friend. Myself and two of my friends collaborated to finish an entire 1.75 liter bottle of Everclear in less than 48 hours. I didn’t sleep on the train so much as I slipped into and out of an alcohol-induced coma. It made the trip surprisingly tolerable.

After arriving in Los Angeles, my friends and I had two days to explore the city before gameday. Our first stop was the traditional tourist destination, Hollywood Boulevard. My goodness, I have never seen so many crack addicts in one place in my life. Apparently, we went to quite a few attractions on the Boulevard, but I honestly only remember a few because I was determined to spend every minute possible in L.A. drunk as hell. One that sticks out in my mind was a world-famous wax museum. If you’ve never been inside a wax museum before, I’ll explain. A wax museum is a place where specially trained artists spend days carving extraordinarily life-like figures of the most famous people on the planet out of wax, and then put them on display for tourists to admire and take pictures of. It’s also a place where Chode goes to take pictures of himself humping the attractive female figures. Beyonce, Kelly Clarkson, Jessica Alba, Penelope Cruz and Leonardo DiCaprio were just a few of my victims. I’m sure the pictures will eventually make their way onto Facebook.
Later that night, we traveled to the Badger pep rally at the Santa Monica Pier, which featured the Wisconsin Band, Chancellor Biddy Martin, Governor Jim Doyle, the Wisconsin Football team, and of course, one very drunk Chode, who spent his time at the rally making up vulgar lyrics to all of the band’s traditional songs.
The next day was New Year’s eve, and really the only thing worth writing about from that day was the frat party we went to at USC. First off, I want to tell you that if anyone ever says that USC is a good academic school, you have every reason to laugh in their face. Those kids are fucking morons, and they’re awful at beer pong. I would say that the highlight of that night was watching my friend go around the party asking the USC kids if they knew where she could score some coke. Not sure if she was serious about it. Later, at about 2:00AM, the fire alarm went off and all of the USC kids, displaying their amazing brainpower, freaked out and ran out of the house like the FBI was coming.

Anyways, the next day was gameday, and after watching a little bit of the parade, we went to the game three hours early to tailgate. Best decision of the trip, without a doubt. With around 70,000 Badger fans partying on one field outside the stadium, the beer was free and plentiful, and I took full advantage. I lost my voice before the game even started from screaming at any TCU fans foolish enough to walk past our tailgate area. Despite being outfanned at least 3 to 1, they were surprisingly classy in response, and I remember thinking “I’m going to feel like an ass if we lose”.

Of course, we lost the game. I’m sure you all watched as Tank Carder knocked away the Scott Tolzein pass that would have sent the game into overtime. What a shame. It turns out that TCU deserved their ranking after all. I still think that we had the better team, but the difference in the game was that Wisconsin made critical mistakes, and TCU did not. Now we’ll have to wait another 360 days to see the Badgers in the Rose Bowl again. You heard it here first.
Also, we needed to give John Clay the ball the entire game, not just for one drive in the fourth quarter. He’s still clearly our best player. What the hell, Paul Chryst?

So here we are league, as the last edition of the 2010 Chode Picks draws to a close. Before I leave you, I’d like to give you a special gift. I’m sure at some point this season, you’ve wondered to yourself “where does he come up with this shit?” Well, to be honest, a lot of it is just God-given creative writing talent, to be sure. The rest of it, however, comes from my sources, also known as the stuff that I read when I want to be entertained. I’m handing them over to you. Enjoy.

First: www.Cracked.com, most notably the works of Robert Brockway, Soren Bowie, and Dan O’Brien. When I first found this site, I spent days on end reading through the archives. It’s fucking brilliant.

Second: Page 2 at www.ESPN.com, most notably Bill Simmons and DJ Gallo. Some of you probably already know about Simmons, but I feel like Gallo is closer to my writing style.

Third: Tucker Max, author of I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell, and Assholes Finish First. His work contains some of the best stories I’ve ever heard in my life. Also, reading about his lifestyle makes me feel better about mine.

Well, it’s time to call it a season, I think. I want to thank each and every one of you for sticking with me for 4 months. In the end, you guys are the reason I write every week. Also, I’d like to take this opportunity to announce that, barring a disaster, I intend to return for the 2011 season. I hope I can count on you to be there with me.

Happy new year.

-Chode Out.

Chode Picks - Semifinals

Merry Christmas, league. Consider this semifinal edition of the Chode Picks my special present to each and every one of you. No need to thank me, you deserve it if you’ve stuck with me this far. This week the picks are brought to you by The Lonely Island, the greatest fake emcees on planet earth.
Last week was both terrible and awesome for the Chode. Terrible because both the Packers and the Heat lost, but awesome because I survived my 21st birthday. I’ll cover the negatives first. Despite playing without Aaron Rodgers, Green Bay nearly managed to pull out a road win over the best team in the NFL. Matt “Matty Ice” Flynn played about as well as we could have hoped for before blowing the game with Les Miles-style clock management at the end. Now the Packers are in a difficult position, to say the least. We need to win out against the Giants and Bears to take the last wild-card spot. Otherwise, the 2010 Green Bay Packers will go down as one of the best NFL teams ever to not make the playoffs. The Pack currently has the best point differential in the NFC (+113), and each of their six losses have been by four points or less. Although I would love to see Green Bay win a playoff game this year, I really don’t think they can make a Super Bowl run with this many injuries. Not all is lost, however, because the Packers showed just how deep and talented they are this year. Green Bay is going to be good for a long time.
Keeping in theme, the Miami Heat saw their 12-game winning streak snapped by the Dallas Mavericks on Monday. Dallas seems to have figured out the formula for slowing down LeBron and Wade: play zone defense, pack the paint and make them settle for midrange jumpshots. That’s exactly what happened on Monday. As soon as the Heat figure out that they need to kick the ball out to their excellent 3-point shooters, they’ll bust the zone and teams will have to start playing into their hands again. Also, the last time the Heat lost to the Mavericks, they won their next twelve games. I’m just saying, look for Miami to destroy the struggling Lakers on Christmas Day.

Enough negativity. Time to recap the blur of drunken awesomeness that was my 21st birthday. I got back from work at 10:30PM, and the kind neighbor girls, knowing me, decided to make me jello shots instead of a birthday cake. Thank you, ladies. After being force-fed the gelatinous booze, we played Irish Poker, a drinking card game where you give out drinks. “Irish Poker”, however, quickly turned into “birthday boy chugs Natty Light for half an hour”. Fantastic. Next came the shots, with my good friend Jose. (editors note: Jose and Chode are no longer friends. In fact, Jose is a bitch and should not be trusted by anyone. Damn Mexicans.) My last coherent memory is taking a body shot off of one of the aforementioned neighbor girls, followed by a double shot of Everclear. Game, set, match. Apparently I went to two bars after midnight, and refused to speak any words except for “fuck” and “you” for a solid hour. Also, there’s a video of me doing the John Wall dance somewhere on Facebook. 100 Chode Points if you can find it. And 50 Chode Points to me for not throwing up or peeing on anybody.
The next day was unquestionably the worst hangover of my life. This was especially unfortunate because I had to work for 8 hours drawing blood at the hospital. I’m proud to say that despite feeling like I was going to vomit all over a couple of patients, I didn’t miss a single vein all day. More proof that I do my best work hungover.

Alright, time for the picks. We’ll start in the consolation bracket:

Brett Favre (6-8) vs Brett Favre is a Douchebag (7-7)

Apparently, Jason didn’t even know he was in this league until I told him last night. That explains why he hasn’t touched his roster all season and why both of his starting RB’s are on injured reserve. What it doesn’t explain, however, is how he took the last playoff spot from me with literally zero effort. I adjusted my team EVERY DAMN WEEK! AND I STILL LOST TO THE FANTASY FOOTBALL VERSION OF HELEN KELLER! Okay, I’m done now. I hate this sport.

Brett Favre is a Douchebag by 8,000

Gotta get up to get down (7-7) vs Mountain Dudes (8-6)

The Chode would like to give a big shout out to Chicago Bears DE Corey Wootton, who put what will likely be the last hit on Brett Favre in his storied career. Well done, sir. Although Favre’s last play wasn’t an interception, a sack and a concussion is good enough for me. Now for the love of God, don’t try to come back next year, asshole. Just ride off into the sunset with your Wrangler Jeans and lawn mower, and in five years you’ll be inducted into Canton and everyone will conveniently forget that you acted like a dick for your last three years in the NFL.

Mountain Dudes by 6.02x10^23

Now on to the championship bracket:

Its on like Ndamukong (6-8) vs Suck My PeterSon (10-4)

Congratulations to the Cowardly Lions for ending an NFL record 26-game road losing streak with their victory in Tampa Bay last week. Last Sunday was also the first time the Lions have won two games in a row since November 2007. That’s right, most of you were seniors in high school the last time Detroit beat two teams in a row. The Lions’ commitment to excellence knows no limits. Good to see they’re playing just well enough to lose their traditional top-5 draft pick. This never would have happened if Matt Millen was still in charge, that’s for damn sure.

Suck My PeterSon by ln(1)

The Look of Eli (8-6) vs Team Beaupre (12-2)

The battle for fantasy football supremacy in the House that Jack Built culminates with this semifinal showdown. Damn, who do I pick? The guy who rested his starters like a coward in the final week of the regular season, or the guy who knocked me out of playoff contention? Kenne, if you’re reading this I want you to poop on Dave’s pillow and hide a dead animal in Mike’s room. Go. Do it now. It’s the only way I’ll feel better. Also, Mike, I beat you at darts. Don’t try to deny it.

Team Beaupre by 6.62x10^-34

The Chode refuses to acknowledge the winner of the NFC North division this year. The team that shall remain unnamed still sucks.

In case you missed the Broncos-Raiders game last week (I don’t blame you), Tim “Virgin Air” Tebow made his first NFL start. After the Mile-High Messiah descended from the sky into the pit of sin and iniquity that is the Oakland Coliseum, he walked over the Raider defenders like water, rushing for one touchdown and throwing another. Despite the Big Tebowski’s efforts, however, the Broncos ended up on the losing end of the contest, due to the virtual no-show by the Denver defense. Once interim coach Eric Studesville decides to start Touchdown Timmy on both sides of the ball, however, look out NFL. Prepare to watch the league get destroyed by the massive Teboner.
When it comes to Father Tim, fans generally fall into one of two categories. They either love the guy and admire him for being a great football player and an even greater person, or they despise him because he represents everything that the rest of us could never live up to. I find myself in the first category. If you resent Uno Cinco because you hate the Florida Gators or Denver Broncos, I understand. It’s irrational, but natural. If you hate him for being a good person, though, shame on you. It takes massive testicles to stand up for what you believe in the way the Tebownator does. If you can’t appreciate that, then you have a problem, not him. Jon Heimler, this entire paragraph is directed towards you.

Congratulations to the New York Giants on completing one of the biggest fourth-quarter collapses in the history of the NFL last Sunday. Vick for MVP.

Have a very Merry Christmas.

-Chode Out.

Chode Picks - Quarterfinals

Here we go again. It’s time for the first of three playoff editions of the Chode Picks. The picks are brought to you this week by GoDaddy.com. Did you know they’re hosting a bowl game this year? Yep, the GoDaddy.com Bowl, held on January 7th, features the high-powered matchup of Middle Tennessee and Miami of Ohio. The Chode remembers a time, long ago, when January bowl games were reserved for only the best college football teams. Sadly, those days are long gone, and now Middle Tennessee, who was one of the few teams to lose to Minnesota this year, gets a longer season than Wisconsin, Ohio State, Oklahoma, Arkansas, TCU, Stanford or Virginia Tech. Just more proof that the current bowl system is fundamentally flawed, but you already knew that. This week, Dallas Mavericks owner and eccentric billionaire Mark Cuban expressed interest in donating hundreds of millions of dollars to convince the BCS to move to a playoff system. If this happens, the Dallas Mavericks will become my new favorite basketball team. Okay, third favorite behind the Heat and Bucks. I never thought I’d say this, but hooray for Mark Cuban.

As you already know, last week was an awful one for a few reasons. First and foremost, the Packers inexplicably lost to the Detroit Lions, 7-3. More on that later. Secondly, Chode’s All-Stars were brutally knocked out of playoff contention in the final week of the regular season. To make the postseason, I needed one of two simple things to happen. Either Chode’s All Stars needed to defeat Team Beaupre, or Brett Favre needed to lose to Its on like Ndamukong. About halfway through the Sunday afternoon games, I realized that I wasn’t going to beat Mike, since apparently all of my players except Michael Vick decided that they simply had no business being in the end zone this week. Thanks, jackasses. After Mike sealed his victory, I turned my attention to the matchup between Eric and Jason. At the end of the day on Sunday, Its on like Ndamukong had nearly a 30-point lead, with only Matt Schaub playing for Brett Favre on Monday night. I felt pretty good about my chances of securing the #8 seed, and started game planning for my first round rematch against Team Beaupre. Schaub, apparently, had other ideas. The Texans quarterback threw for 393 yards and 3 touchdowns, scoring 26.52 points and leading Brett Favre victory by 1.26 points. What an asshole.

Of course, when something like this happens, you have too look at the big picture. The fact is, there were 10 teams in the league, and 8 playoff spots. Despite my best efforts, and starting a full lineup every week, I somehow managed to finish 9th. Out of 10 fucking teams. You have got to be shitting me. So, who’s to blame? First I have to look in the mirror. And since clearly that’s not the problem, do I blame Eric? Jason? Matt Schaub? Adrian Peterson or Terrell Owens? No. You want to know whose fault it is? Terry Bradshaw. Terry fucking Bradshaw. You see, two weeks ago, Bradshaw reported that Adrian Peterson was out with an ankle injury shortly before kickoff against Buffalo. So naturally, I benched him in favor of Felix Jones. Peterson rushed for 107 yard and 3 touchdowns that day. Had Bradshaw never made his erroneous report, I would have defeated Kenne, made the playoffs, and probably won the league championship. To summarize, fuck you Terry. You bald bastard. Ken Stabler was better on two gimpy knees than you ever could have been. Jack Lambert and Joe Greene carried you to your Super Bowls. I’m going to burn your house down and shoot your dog. Or maybe burn your dog and shoot your house down. I haven’t decided yet.

The last reason that this week has been awful is because it’s final exam week, and in response, I’ve come down with a terrible case of “the sobers”. It’s awful. That all ends on Saturday night, however, which is the eve of my 21st birthday. If you think that I’m going to stay in and study for finals, then clearly you’ve missed the point of the first 12 Chode Picks. Besides, the only exams I have the week after are Physics and Biochem. I own Physics and Biochem. Hooray for me. Anyways, this weekend is bittersweet, because it signifies the end of an era. My eight-year run of underage drinking is over. Yes, eight. Do the math.

Enough about me. Time for the picks.

Gotta get up to get down (7-7) vs Suck My PeterSon (10-4)

Another tough break for Green Bay last week, losing Aaron Rodgers to a concussion, the one player that the Pack absolutely could NOT afford to have injured. The Packers have had more injuries than the 2007 Menomonie Indians this season (too soon?) Regardless, I fully expect Matt “Matty Ice” Flynn to pull out the victory in New England this week. Nah, not really. Belichick takes no prisoners. Its going to be ugly. Just gotta hope the Bears keep losing too. By the way Jared, I dropped all of my good players in the hopes that you would pick them up and use them to beat Team Beaupre in the championship game. But NFL.com won’t let me drop Vick or Peterson, and we’re past the trade deadline, damn it. There’s got to be a way around this.

Suck My PeterSon by 10

The Look of Eli (8-6) vs Brett Favre is a Douchebag (7-7)

There is absolutely no way I can pick against a team named Brett Favre is a Douchebag the week after Favre’s 297-game streak was snapped. But for the love of God, Dan, please put Vince Young on the bench and start Philip Rivers. It irritates me that you might not even read this. By the way, last week just confirmed that Brett Favre’s last pass is destined to be an interception. There’s no denying it. My first link this week is an article discussing what might have happened if Favre’s streak had never happened in the first place, by ESPN’s DJ Gallo. I suggest you read it. It’s pretty good.

Brett Favre is a Douchebag by 4

Team Beaupre (12-2) vs Brett Favre (6-8)

Fuck both of you. Nobody wins.

Its on like Ndamukong (6-8) vs Mountain Dudes (8-6)

What, Eric? No taunting text or phone call after the Lions victory last week? I expected more. Also, congratulations to the Michigan Wolverines for earning a spot in the Progressive Gator Bowl against Mississippi. Hahahahahaha. Hey, you can’t win ‘em all. Or in Michigan’s case, you can barely avoid losing half of your games. Rich Rod is gonna get fired. Muck Fichigan.

Mountain Dudes by 13

A few more thoughts before we call it a wrap this week.

The Big Ten unveiled its new logo and division names this week. They’re all hideous. The “Legends” division will consist of Iowa, Michigan, Michigan State, Minnesota, Nebraska, and Northwestern, while Illinois, Indiana, Purdue, Ohio State, Penn State and Wisconsin will make up the “Leaders” division. Leaders and Legends? Are you kidding me? Were “East” and “West” just too damn complicated? And what exactly makes Northwestern and Minnesota more “legendary” than Wisconsin? From this point on, the Chode Picks will refuse to acknowledge the new division names. They will be referred to as the Badger division and the Hawkeye division. Much better. Up yours, Jim Delany.

The Miami Heat are currently on a 10-game winning streak. Prior to last night’s game, the Heat’s big three had combined for exactly 75 points in 4 straight games. This is the team that we envisioned back in August. DLC.

I really thought my friends at Zooniversity and Cascia Films had made the best college YouTube videos in the country with “Teach Me How to Bucky” and “We’re Smelling Roses”. That is, until I found these two from the University of Oregon. Especially the second one. Might have to change my national championship pick.

-Chode Out. 

Chode Picks - Week 14

Hello, league, and welcome to the Week 14 edition of the Chode Picks, brought to you by Asian Kitchen. And hangovers. It’s officially the least wonderful time of the year in Madison, Wisconsin. A combination of freezing cold weather and final exams looming just around the corner has robbed the campus of its usual festive atmosphere. So I set out with some friends last night to restore some of it with a trip to the bars for “just a few drinks”. If you’ve read all of the Chode Picks this year, you know where this story is headed. After a few casual beers, I decided that the evening would be much more entertaining if the Chode was drinking liquor instead, so I made my way over to the bar and had the following conversation with the ugly female bartender:

Chode: What do you have for specials tonight?
Ugly Bartender: Sorry, specials end at midnight.
Chode: Damn. Alright, what have you got for rail drinks?
Ugly Bartender: Well, we’ve got vodka, gin………..
Chode: Yes.
Ugly Bartender: What?
Chode: I want those two.
Ugly Bartender: Vodka and gin?
Chode: Straight. In a glass.
Ugly Bartender: ……….. okay. That’ll be four dollars.

It tasted like a Christmas tree doused in gasoline. I don’t recommend it, unless you desperately need the people around you to become more attractive. By the time I finished, Ugly Bartender had transformed into Hot Bartender. Luckily, one of my friends saved me from making a poor decision and I woke up this morning alone, feeling like someone had taken a jackhammer to my skull.

Anyways, it’s time for Chode’s Annual BCS Bowl-o-Rama, where I preview all five of the major college football bowl games and correctly pick the winners. Here goes.

BCS National Championship Game: #1 Auburn (13-0) vs #2 Oregon (12-0)

Everyone else is avoiding the obvious, so I’m just going to come out and say it: Oregon played a weak schedule. Their only strong win came over Stanford at home, and Stanford is also overrated. The Pac-10 sucks, and Auburn is going to crush the Ducks. Also, watch out for Oregon linebacker Casey Matthews (yes, that’s Clay’s brother). I really, really want the Packers to draft him in April. I don’t care if they have to take him too early. Make it happen, Ted.

Auburn by 14.

Discover Orange Bowl: #13 Virginia Tech (11-2) vs Stanford #4(11-1)

Ah yes. Stanford, the team that absolutely should NOT be ranked ahead of Wisconsin. I’m gonna take the upset in this one. Virginia Tech has been playing lights-out ever since dropping their first two games to Boise State and James Madison (yes, James Madison). Also, Tyrod Taylor is a better quarterback than Andrew Luck (but he won’t be in the NFL).

Virginia Tech by 3

Tostitos Fiesta Bowl: #7 Oklahoma (11-2) vs Connecticut (8-4)

Unranked Connecticut is playing in a BCS bowl, while #9 Michigan State (11-1) gets left out. Sometimes, the BCS sucks. Correction: the BCS always sucks. The Big East sucks even more, yet they get to send their four-loss champion to the Fiesta Bowl. I’m feeling a blowout in this one.

Oklahoma by 28

Allstate Sugar Bowl: #6 Ohio State (11-1) vs #8 Arkansas (10-2)

The Sugar Bowl, also known as The Bowl That You go to When You’re the Second Best Team in the Big Ten. Suck it, Ohio. This should be one hell of a game. Arkansas is really good, and OSU is no slouch either. As much as I enjoy watching the Buckeyes lose, I gotta support my conference in this one.

Ohio State by 3

Rose Bowl Game presented by Vizio: #5 Wisconsin (11-1) vs #3 TCU (12-0)

18 days. Two and a half short weeks until I board the train for Pasadena. I cannot wait. When I first got to UW-Madison, I was only hoping for either a Rose Bowl, a Final Four appearance, or a National Championship in hockey during my four (eight?) years here. We nearly took the ‘ship in hockey last season, and the football team lost to Michigan State this year, I feared that I might not get to see any of them. Problem solved. I’m smelling roses.
In my completely impartial and unbiased opinion, I think Wisconsin is considerably better than TCU. The Horned Frogs haven’t seen a team with the kind of power that the Badgers bring on the line of scrimmage. Also, we’re not losing to a team quarterbacked by a ginger. Sorry Frogs, but this ain’t the MWC. Also, its worth mentioning that if there were a playoff, the Badgers would have a really good shot at taking home the National Championship this season.

Wisconsin by 17

I’m just gonna keep this rolling right into the picks if you don’t mind.

Will’s Rejects (1-12) vs Brett Favre is a Douchebag (6-7)

Congratulations to Brett Favre on throwing the first perfect game in his storied career last Sunday. One pass, one interception, for a passer rating of 0.0. If a quarterback drops back and fires every pass straight into the ground, he gets a rating of 39.6. In honor of Benedict Brett’s accomplishment, here is a list of quarterbacks who are currently better than Favre:
Tom Brady
Drew Brees
Peyton Manning
Aaron Rodgers
Philip Rivers
Matt Ryan
Michael Vick
Ben Roethlisberger
Mark Sanchez
Joe Flacco
Eli Manning
Josh Freeman
Matt Cassel
David Garrard
Donovan McNabb
Matt Schaub
Matt Hasselbeck
Sam Bradford
Colt McCoy
Tim Tebow
Kyle Orton
Alex Smith
Ryan Fitzpatrick
Carson Palmer
Matt Stafford
Tarvaris Jackson
Andrew Luck
Cam Newton
Jake Locker
Ryan Mallet
Kellen Moore.

I’m sure I’m forgetting someone. Anyways, this season Favre has made the transition from America’s darling to the person America repeatedly kicks while they’re down. I love it.

Brett Favre is a Douchebag by 14

Mountain Dudes (7-6) vs Suck my PeterSon (10-3)

Alright Jared/Jon, time for a new team name. Suck my PeterSon is two weeks past its expiration date. It’s no longer clever. Adrian Peterson is on my team, not yours. Deal with it. Also, your starting lineup currently consists of Danny Woodhead, Nick Folk, and the Jets defense. Come on. Losing to Nate is never acceptable. Fix this shit, or feel the mighty wrath of the Chode. Your choice.

Mountain Dudes by 300

Its on like Ndamukong (6-7) vs Brett Favre (5-8)

Eric, I need you to win this game so I can make the playoffs. Thanks in advance. Also, I want to take a minute to talk about the New England Patriots, in the hopes that I can curse them the way I did Peyton Manning earlier in the season. Bill Belichick is a football genius unlike any other we’ve seen in our lifetimes. The Patriots don’t have an offensive coordinator. They don’t have a defensive coordinator either. They’re a team made up of undrafted free agents and cast-offs, and they have the best record in the NFL. Why? Because Belichick gets the very best out of his players, and knows when to get rid of them. This is how he gets away with looking like a homeless man on the sidelines. Gotta give credit where its due. Can’t wait to watch the Patriots-Packers Super Bowl in February.

Its on like Ndamukong by 81

Gotta get up to get down (6-7) vs The Look of Eli (8-5)

Bullshit. Completely unfair. Unsportsmanlike. An affront to the game of football. Yes, I’m talking about the stunt you’re pulling this week, Dave, giving Kenne a free win by resting your starters for the playoffs. Ask the Colts how that worked out for them last season. In the immortal words of Herm Edwards, YOU PLAY TO WIN THE GAME! I hope this comes back to bite you in the ass. Jerk.

The Look of Eli by 15

Chode’s All Stars (5-8) vs Team Beaupre (11-2)

Mike, I want you to pretend that you didn’t read anything in the previous paragraph. Having locked up the #1 or #2 seed in the playoffs, you should absolutely rest your starters this week. They need it. They’re played their asses off for you this season. Cut them a break. Also, I need to win this game to make the playoffs. Don’t be a dick. I sit here slaving away over my keyboard every week to entertain you, and you’re going to repay me by prematurely ending my season. Fuck you and your Bears.

Chode’s All Stars by eleventy billion

A couple more interesting tidbits before I call it a wrap this week:

-Not counting last night’s game against Tennessee, Peyton Manning has thrown 11 interceptions in his past three games. The Colts may not make the playoffs this year for the first time since 2001.
- The University of Wisconsin-Madison was ranked as the #3 party school in the nation by Playboy magazine recently, behind Texas and West Virginia.
- The University of Wisconsin-Madison was recently ranked as one of the top 50 universities in the world by QS. UW was one of the only public schools to make the list.
- My school is better than your school.
- There is a realistic chance that a 7-9 team will win the NFC West and host a playoff game.
- The Miami Heat are on a 6 game winning streak. DLC.
- Bird is the word.

- Chode Out.

Chode Picks - Week 13

Welcome back friends, to the Week 13 edition of the historic 5th season of the Chode Picks, brought to you by The Discovery Channel. It’s been an up and down week, with victories by the Badgers and Heat tempered by losses from the Packers and Chode’s All Stars. Yes, I’m going to cover all of them. First one up…………

BADGERS! I feel justified in giving the league a big, fat “I told you so”. If you go back to the first edition this season, I predicted that the Wisconsin football team would play in their first BCS bowl since 2000 this year. With their 70-23 blasting of Northwestern, the Badgers clinched their first Big Ten title in ten years last Saturday, and barring a BCS catastrophe, will play in the Rose Bowl on New Year’s Day in Pasadena, CA. The Chode will be in attendance. I can’t afford not to go, since this figures to be the only chance I have to go to the Rose Bowl as a student. What about next year? Well, I’m glad you asked. You see, Wisconsin is undoubtedly the best team in the nation, and it should come as no surprise when we play for the national championship next season. Earlier this year, I stated that the Badgers had the three best running backs in the Big Ten in John Clay, Montee Ball and James White. My mistake. What I meant to say is, the Badgers have the three best running backs in the NCAA, all playing behind the best offensive line in the country. If you disagree, I’m sorry, but you’re just fucking wrong. This is how you end up scoring 45 points per game in the Big Ten without throwing the ball. Did I mention that Clay, Ball, and White are all coming back next season? Good God. The NCAA might need to give out three Heisman trophies next year. Speaking of Heisman……………..

CAM NEWTON! Cam “take the money and run” Newton sealed up college football’s most prestigious award with a thrilling comeback win over Alabama last week. Up yours, Nick Saban. Then on Wednesday, the NCAA cleared Newton of all allegations, saying that although his father violated NCAA rules, Cam himself did not. Wait a minute, how exactly is that different than what happened to Reggie Bush? Personally, I think the NCAA is allowing Newton to stay eligible in order to keep TCU out of the title game. Speaking of small-conference schools…………….

NEVADA! The Boise State Broncos saw their championship dream come crashing to an end with their 34-31 overtime loss to the Nevada Wolfpack a week ago. Instead of playing in the Rose Bowl or National Championship, the Broncos will now likely be sent to the Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl instead. Ouch. Congratulations to both Boise and Nevada on fantastic seasons. Unfortunately, one player has carried the majority of the burden for Boise’s loss: Kyle Brotzman. The senior kicker missed a straight-on field goal from Nevada’s 9 yard line at the end of regulation, pulling the kick wide right. CHOKE! Then in overtime, Boise drove to Nevada’s 10 yard line and set up for another field goal attempt by Brotzman, who was considered one of the best kickers in college football. This time, the kick went wide left. DOUBLE CHOKE!! Nevada quickly got into position for a game-winning 30-yard attempt on the next possession. The kick was good, and Boise’s title aspirations were shattered. Brotzman reportedly received multiple death threats after the game, which only proves that even in Idaho, people take sports waaaaaaaaaayyyyyy too seriously sometimes. But hey, speaking of despised athletes…………………..

LEBRON JAMES! In case you’ve been living under a rock all week, the LeBron and the Heat brought their talents back to Cleveland for the first time since “The Decision” last night. Cavaliers guard Mo Williams predicted that the game would be “a strange atmosphere, like seeing an ex-girlfriend at your wedding”. Great analogy Mo, but only if you’re marrying a fat chick and your smokin’ hot ex-girlfriend shows up with Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh, then proceeds to steal all of the wedding gifts. Before the game, the boos and chants were deafening, but as the game progressed, LeBron, Wade, and company silenced the crowd with a dominant performance, and left the Cleveland fans to drink their depression away. Some of the chants directed at LeBron included “Akron hates you”, “Scottie Pippen”, and the obligatory “asshole”. There were a few clever signs and shirts as well. None of it seemed to faze King James, as he racked up 38 points, 8 assists, 5 rebounds, zero turnovers, and one defiant powder toss in only three quarters of work. Final score: Heat 118, Cavaliers 90. Up yours, Charles Barkley. After the game, LeBron’s told reporters “Alright, this was fun. I’m gonna take my talents back to South Beach now”. Once again, God hates Cleveland. Speaking of awesome sports teams……………..

Chode’s All Stars (5-7) vs Gotta get up to get down (5-7)

Yes, Chode’s All Stars saw their three game winning streak snapped at the hands of the Mountain Dudes last week. Yes, Adrian Peterson and Terrell Owens are both hurt. Yes, Kenne will probably get 35 points from Rodgers against San Francisco. I don’t give a damn. I’m still winning this game. By the way, all of you are fools for not picking up Steve Johnson from waivers. You shall feel the scorned wrath of Buffalo Steve for the rest of the season.

Chode’s All Stars by 81

The Look of Eli (7-5) vs Suck My PeterSon (10-2)

JARED! SAME TEAM NAME TWO WEEKS IN A ROW! This is unacceptable. Dave’s got you beat by a mile this week. The Look of Eli is genius. The picture makes it so much better. That’s called “Manning Face” (copyright: Bill Simmons) by the way. Also, I want to take back all of the nice things I said about Peyton a few weeks ago. He’s awful. Absolutely terrible. Worst quarterback in the NFL. The Colts are done. D-O-N-E.

The Look of Eli by 10

Team Beaupre (10-2) vs Brett Favre (5-7)

You know what I think of these two teams? BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! Mike is somehow channeling the Bears’ incredible luck, which irritates me, and Brett Favre is, well, Brett Favre. Jason is using a brilliant strategy this week: both of his starting running backs are on injured reserve. How do you have just as many wins as me? I don’t get it.
Breaking news: Jets safety and Wisconsin alumnus Jim Leonhard suffered a broken leg in practice today and will miss the rest of the season. It’s really a shame. For those of you who don’t know the story of Jim Leonhard, I suggest you visit Wikipedia. He was my idol as an adolescent, and I’ve immensely enjoyed watching him beat the odds to start in the NFL. Mark my words, Leonhard will make a Pro Bowl someday.

Team Beaupre by 18

It’s on like Ndamukong (5-7) vs Will’s Rejects (1-11)

Hey Eric! Guess what? I’m picking the Lions to beat the Bears this week! Did you hear that? I’m picking the Lions to win a game in the National Football League! So quit your bitching! By the way, is there anything more annoying than the pop-up advertisement below the scoring chart in the NFL.com Gamecenter? No, there isn’t. It’s loud, pointless, and if I don’t close it quick enough, it makes my internet browser crash. Fuck you too, NFL.com.

Detroit Lions by 3 (you heard me)

Mountain Dudes (7-5) vs Brett Favre is a Douchebag (5-7)

Double tragedy this week. First, the Packers lose to Atlanta, and then the USA loses the 2022 World Cup bid to Qatar. I can understand the Packer loss, because the Falcons are pretty damn good, but seriously, QATAR!!!!????? Are you kidding me? Go look it up on a map. It’s the size of Conneticut, with one major city. The city of Houston is home to approximately 560,000 more people than the entire nation of Qatar. This is bullshit. As much as Americans don’t care about soccer, I have to admit that it’s the only sport that makes me want to invade other countries. I’m looking in your direction, Obama.

Brett Favre is a Douchebag by 4416 (Area of Qatar in square miles. I wish I was kidding)

That’s all for the picks this week. I now present to you: the most fearless animal on the planet. (Fuck you too, Death! Om nom nom)

-Chode Out.