Hello again, ChodeNation, and welcome to the fantasy championship edition of the Chode Picks, brought to you by the bitchin’ Verizon Droid RAZR that I got for Christmas. We’re finally here. After sixteen long weeks of imaginary football struggle, the field has been whittled down to the last two teams standing. Various combinations of injuries, bad luck, poor performances and stupid roster moves have knocked 10 of the 12 teams in the league out of championship contention and into one of the absurdly plentiful five consolation games (seriously, NFL.com? We really need a game to differentiate between 11th and 12th place? Now I have to make up more shit to write about, thanks). Anyways, the winner of this week’s championship game lays claim to 3,000 Chode Points, in addition to eternal bragging rights. That should be all the motivation you guys need. TO THE ‘SHIP!
Championship: Donald Drivehers (14-1) vs Duck Hunter (10-5)
It’s time for me to give credit where credit is due. For the past four years, I’ve been insulting and dismissive when it comes to Nate’s fantasy football team. This year, I’ve repeatedly discounted his league-best record and attributed his success to luck, divine intervention, voodoo, or some combination of all three. However, as the season wore on, it became increasingly clear that one team in this league was head and shoulders above everyone else, and that team’s victories were a result of smart roster moves, innovative strategy and sheer fantasy football brilliance. Nate, I won’t deny it any longer; your team is fantastic, and absolutely deserves to lay claim to the Sorry For Partying league championship. So am I finally going to pick you to win? No fucking way. Do you even read the Chode Picks? As for you Kenne, this may be the most important moment of your young life. You must do everything you can to save us all from the collective humiliation of watching Nate win a championship. LET’S GO KAK!!
Duck Hunter by 1 (I’ll give you more on the Ducks later)
3rd place game: Team Beaupre (10-6) vs No Names (9-6)
Rough week, Mike. First the Pack ends the Bears’ playoff hopes in spectacular fashion (Rodgers threw for 5 TDs for the first time in his career), and then Kenne ends your fantasy title hopes the next day. Sucks to suck. But hey, happy birthday! Actually, I’m not going to lie, turning 22 is kind of a bummer. That’s nearly a quarter of a century. Think about it. Almost a third of your life is gone. Man, getting old is depressing. But do you know what’s more depressing? Adrian Peterson’s left knee. Hahahaha. Sorry Joo, I had to go there. Looks like karma came back to bite Viking fans in the ass after they spent last week celebrating the Packer loss. It brings me great joy to announce that the Packers are now better than the Vikings at every position. It brings me even more joy to announce that Wisconsin is better than Gary Anderson’s Loserville at every sport that people actually care about. Packers over Vikings, Badgers over Gophers in football and basketball, Brewers over Twins, and Bucks over Timberwolves. That’s a clean sweep. And honestly, nobody cares about hockey or women’s basketball.
Team Beaupre by 22
5th place game: I Plaxidentally shot myself (8-8) vs Weekend at Bernie’s (5-11)
Good God, this is depressing. There’s a 5-11 team that’s competing for 5th place in my fantasy league. How did we let this happen? Regardless, I’m not going to write about this matchup because it makes me want to go cry in a corner. Instead, let’s talk about the most intriguing NFL game this week: Denver Broncos vs Kansas City Chiefs. One one hand, we have Denver fighting to hold off the Raiders for a playoff spot, while the Chiefs are merely playing for pride. On the other hand, Kyle Orton gets a chance to beat the man that took his starting spot in Denver: Tim “The Hammer” Tebow. By the way, I think it’s only appropriate to recognize the fact that Tebow was voted to the Pro Bowl this past week. I can’t help agree with my friend Jared, who told me “that’s retarded”. Agreed. It’s retarded that anyone would vote for Tebow to play in the Pro Bowl, knowing that he’s obviously going to be preparing for Super Bowl XLVI instead. Haha! Anyways, I fully expect The Big Tebowski to succeed where Aaron Rodgers failed and tear apart the Chiefs defense this week. Go ahead. Hate all you want. It’s going to happen.
Broncos by 14 (Weekend at Bernie’s by 3)
7th place game: Chode’s All Stars (8-8) vs Walking a Fine Line (8-7)
Son of a bitch. I don’t understand how this happens every year. I spend weeks researching for the fantasy draft. I follow ESPN religiously to decide who should start in my lineup every week. I NEVER play anyone who’s injured or on a bye week. I make smart free agent pickups. I probably spend more time on fantasy football than anyone else in this league. And yet here I sit at 8-8, playing for 7th place. I have literally nothing to show for my efforts. I hate this game. Well, at least only one of the teams that I own is cursed with the stink of losing. The other team that I own happens to be the defending champions and has a record of 14-1. That’s right. The Chode is now a proud owner of the greatest franchise in sports history, the Green Bay Packers. I have a stock certificate to prove it, and I can literally feel your jealousy bleeding through my computer screen. Anyways, after the Packers win their 14th NFL championship this season I will own exactly 14/112000 of a championship. In case you suck at math, that’s 0.000125 of one NFL title. More importantly, it’s 0.000125 championships more than any Viking has ever claimed.
Chode’s All Stars by 0.000125
Also, at the risk of jinxing my favorite team and drawing the ire of most of my readers, I’m planning to continue writing the Chode Picks throughout the Packers’ playoff run. For those of you that aren’t as cognitively gifted, that means I won’t be writing next week for the wild card round, but the Picks will return for the divisional games, the NFC Championship, and Super Bowl XLVI. Naturally, the Picks will be shorter because I’m only writing about one game, but I’ll try to make them worthwhile still. You’re welcome.
11th place game: Mondolockdown (2-13) vs rockinoutwithmybigblacklockout (7-8)
Well, this game has absolutely no significance to anyone, so I’m going to write about the NFL equivalent instead: this week’s titanic matchup between the Colts and Jaguars. Let me ask you this: As a Colts fan, would you rather have your team finish 2-14 and draft a future franchise quarterback, or finish 3-13 and draft an offensive tackle? There’s only one right answer to that question, by the way. If you’re an intelligent football fan, you probably realize that the best thing that could happen to the Colts this week is for them to lose intentionally and secure the #1 pick in the NFL Draft. So naturally, that means that if you’re a Colts fan, you should root for the Jaguars this week, right? WRONG. I’m only going to say this once, so pay attention. If you EVER find yourself rooting for your team to lose a game, you are no longer allowed to call yourself a true fan. Do you hear me, Viking fans? Rams fans? So-called Colts fans? I don’t care if you’re get to draft the greatest player in NFL history, you’ve still sold your soul as a sports fan. There’s no coming back from that point.
Rockinoutwithmybigblacklockout by 12
NBA Update! Your 2012 World Champion Miami Heat are now 3-0 after dominating victories over the Mavericks, Celtics and Bobcats. Despite David Stern’s best efforts to screw the Heat over with the toughest schedule in the league, Miami appears primed to make a run at the ’96 Bulls all-time winning percentage record (by the way, if you’re a true Wisconsin fan you should be rooting for them to break it. Do you really want Illinois to be able to claim the greatest basketball team ever? Didn’t think so). It appears that LeBron, Dwyane, Chris and company have finally realized that they’re faster and more powerful than anybody, ever. Also, Miami has finally found it’s long-term solution at point guard, Norris Cole. Norris Cole, the guy who threw down a 40 point, 20 rebound game at Cleveland State last year. Norris is an ice Cole killer. Norris Cole shaves with an axe. Norris Cole once played with Legos as a child, and the Egyptians have been grateful to him ever since. Norris Cole galvanizes the masses.
Also, Kevin Durant had a pretty sick game-winning three-pointer tonight for the Thunder. Even if you don’t like basketball, you’ve got to appreciate that kind of performance under pressure.
Rose Bowl Update! Less than three days until I board the plane for sunny Pasadena, and less than four days until the Badgers shut everybody’s mouths by beating the hell out of the Oregon Ducks. I’ve literally pissed myself in excitement three times in the past week. The official University of Wisconsin slogan for the Rose Bowl is “Quack is Whack”. I find it disappointing that the upper brass at the University decided to reject my suggestion: “Fuck the Ducks”, which I think is much more concise and effective. Oh well. Won’t keep me from being any less rude and offensive to the Ducks’ faithful once I set foot in California. I’ll let you know how it goes.
Finally, this week it was time for me to address an issue that’s been lingering over my head since early in the season. You see, a certain portion of the Chode followers have been calling to me to debate ESPN’s Skip Bayless for quite some time now. Honestly, I don’t know why, because Skip and I have absolutely nothing in common. He went to Vanderbilt, while I go to Wisconsin. He thinks Tom Brady is the best quarterback in the NFL, while I know that Aaron Rodgers’ left testicle holds more skill than the entire Patriots’ roster. He thinks LeBron is overrated, while I think that the human brain hasn’t evolved far enough to understand how great LeBron is. Also, he’s ugly. Regardless, to appease my readers, I sent Skip the following email this week:
Dear Mr Bayless,
My name is Alex Quilling. I am the writer, editor and publisher of the Chode Picks, the Midwest’s premier source of sports analysis. My readership spans from the vast expanses of North Dakota to the dense forests of Michigan. Recently, my readers have been requesting that I engage you in a live debate about various topics in the world of sports, including but not limited to: Aaron Rodgers’ superiority to Tom Brady, the all-time greatness of the Miami Heat, the Big Ten’s dominance of the SEC, Vanderbilt’s overrated academic reputation, and of course, Tim Tebow’s awesomeness. If you would be so kind as to pay my travel expenses to Bristol, Connecticut, I would gladly debate you on your own show, First Take (I’m sure I’ll make a better co-host than that jackass Stephen A. Smith). Otherwise, I would be glad to host you for a debate in Madison, Wisconsin, provided that you bring a camera crew to capture our epic debate. I sincerely hope that you will not rob from both of our fans this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. You may contact me at aquilling@wisc.edu, or follow me on Twitter at @chodepicks.
Best Regards,
Alex Quilling
I really hope he has the balls and sense of humor to respond. Otherwise I’ll have to go after Bill Simmons.
A few more thoughts before we wrap it up this week:
Does anyone else think it’s odd that Aaron Rodgers, Tom Brady and Andrew Luck all wear #12?
The best strategy for the Packers to beat the Lions this week? Put lipstick on Matthew Stafford and watch Erik Walden beat the living hell out of him.
It took Jay Cutler five seasons to develop a nagging injury that will make him ineffective for the rest of his career. Christian Ponder got it done in less than one season.
Jimmer Fredette is the Tebow of the NBA.
Vodka + Tequila = Vodquila. It tastes exactly how it sounds.
You know how time seems to pass more slowly when you’re on shrooms? No? Okay, well I think the opposite occurs when you’re hammered. It took me four whole hours to write the Chode Picks this week. That’s a personal record.
Lastly, I leave you with… skydiving midgets!!
-Chode Out.
Can you hear them? Listen closely, gentlemen. They started off as faint murmurs of discontent, increasing to audible grumbles of jealousy during the past two months, and finally, they’ve come to a raging crescendo of hateful bitterness this week. Can you hear them now? Turn your ears to the west, towards the state formerly know as Minnesota. Towards the masses of pitiful, cowardly haters. They’ve been waiting. For three months, they’ve been waiting, watching, and praying for a Green Bay defeat. Finally, a week ago their prayers were answered by the unlikeliest of saviors, Kyle Orton and the Kansas City Chiefs. As an improbable sequence of injuries, dropped passes and poor coaching decisions combined to derail the Packers’ undefeated season, those miserable bastards finally had a reason to rejoice. And naturally, they responded by bombarding the Chode with tactless taunts, blissfully ignoring the fact that their own team has won exactly two games all season. In light of these circumstances, I would like to dedicate this Christmas edition of the Chode Picks to all of the haters, and more specifically, the ever-dwindling population of Viking fans. This one’s for you, assholes. I wish I could see things from your perspective, but I really don’t think I’ll ever be able to get my head that far up my ass. I know it’s not your fault that you’ve become bitter and jaded from growing up watching season after season of Viking and Gopher futility. It’s also not your fault that you’re forced to watch the Twins collapse in October every year (by the way, they jumped the gun a bit in 2011). But damn, could you at least make an effort to hide your Minnesotan inferiority complex? I’m embarrassed for you. I think the real reason that Viking fans were so ecstatic about the Packer loss is that they were all secretly terrified of the idea of a 19-0 Packers season. Can you imagine what it would be like to watch your bitter rival complete the greatest season in sports history, knowing that you’ll probably never even get the chance to claim a single championship? I suppose the silver lining in the Packer loss was that they probably kept a few Minnesotans from calling the suicide hotline this week. I guess we’ll just have to settle for winning back-to-back Super Bowls. Damn. Also, it makes me giggle that the Packers, at 13-1, probably have as many wins as the Timberwolves will get all season. In summary, fuck your Vikings, fuck your Twins, fuck your Gophers, and fuck everything else that comes out of that wretched state (which from this point on, will be referred to as GaryAnderson’s Loserville). If you’d like to talk more shit, we’ll be over here with our 13 NFL championships and 11,000 lakes. Suck it.
As far as the Packers, we had a good run, but I think it’s pretty obvious that it’s time to blow it up and start over. Might as well trade Rodgers for all he’s worth and start rebuilding around Matt Flynn and Randall Cobb. Also, we clearly need to get rid of McCarthy. Losing on the road by 5 points is completely unacceptable this late in the season. If he hasn’t figured out how to get the team to win games by now, it’s probably never going to happen. Maybe we can convince Tim Brewster to come coach the Packers. Keep your fingers crossed. All kidding aside though, I think we’re going to see a very angry, motivated Green Bay team tomorrow against Josh McCown and the Bears. Knocking Chicago out of playoff contention will be a great way to get rid of the bitter taste of losing. If you can’t tell, I’m expecting a Packer blowout tomorrow. By the way, congratulations to the Detroit Lions on clinching their first playoff spot since 1999. Good luck against San Francisco in the wild card round. You’re going to need it.
Alright, it’s time for Chode’s annual BCS Bowl-O-Rama. Prepare to be amazed as I preview and pick the winners of every BCS game this year, in order of most important to least important.
Rose Bowl Game presented by Vizio: #10 Wisconsin (11-2) vs #5 Oregon (11-2)
Don’t let the rankings fool you. While the Oregon Ducks were beating up on inferior competition in the Pac-12, Wisconsin was slugging it’s way to a second consecutive Big Ten Championship. To be honest, I think Oregon might not even be one of the best two teams in it’s own conference this year. I almost wish that USC was bowl-eligible so that the Badgers could face a worthy opponent in Pasadena. Also, it’s worth mentioning that in 3 of the last 4 games that Oregon has lost, their opponent has had extra time to prepare for Chip Kelley’s offense. Assuming that we can hold the Ducks to under 40, I’m pretty sure that Russell, Montee and company can put up enough points to bring this one home. By the way, exactly one week from right now, I’ll be in Los Angeles. Enjoy your snow.
Wisconsin by 7
Allstate BCS National Championship Game: #2 Alabama (11-1) vs #1 LSU (13-0)
Hold on a second, haven’t we already seen this game? That’s right, I remember now. I nearly fell asleep in the third quarter because it was so damn boring. If the BCS really wants to include Alabama in this game, then they really need to change their slogan from “every game counts” to “every game counts, unless an SEC team finishes with one loss”. Bullshit. The BCS formula is so blatantly retarded, it probably gets special paychecks from the government three times a year. And if Alabama wins this game, does anyone really think that they deserve to be called national champions? Keep in mind that they got to sit on their asses and eat chicken wings two weeks ago as LSU was beating Arkansas for the SEC championship. Unfortunately, I think that’s where we’re headed. I think Alabama wins a close game and takes home the crystal ball, despite still having a worse record than LSU. God, I hate Nick Saban. On the bright side, we’ll finally get to see an SEC team lose in the national championship. Also, I’m convinced that the SEC’s football dominance is the South’s way of trying to avenge their loss in the Civil War.
Alabama by 3 (ugh)
Tostitos Fiesta Bowl: #4 Stanford (11-1) vs #3 Oklahoma State (11-1)
This will probably be the best game all season that doesn’t actually matter. Both of these teams are pissed off about losing to inferior competition and costing themselves a shot at the title. Both are led by excellent quarterbacks. Both have talented defenses, and both teams play without making a lot of mistakes. At the end of the day though, there’s only one Mike Gundy. I’M A MAN! I’M 40!! COME AFTER ME, STANFORD!!
Oklahoma State by 40
Allstate Sugar Bowl: #13 Michigan (10-2) vs #11 Virginia Tech (11-2)
Somehow, the third best team in the Big Ten gets to play in the Sugar Bowl against the ACC champion. Great. I can’t wait to listen to all of the “experts” at ESPN rip the Big Ten apart after Michigan loses this one. Remember what I said about teams playing better after they have extra time to prepare for Oregon’s offense? Same goes for Denard Robinson.
Virginia Tech by 10
Outback Bowl: Michigan State #17 (10-3) vs #16Georgia (10-3)
Whoops. Sorry, Sparty. I totally forgot that this isn’t a BCS bowl. My bad.
Discover Orange Bowl: #23 West Virginia (9-3) vs #15 Clemson (10-3)
Can somebody please explain to me what the hell these two teams are doing here? Clemson has lost 3 of their last 5 games. West Virginia got blown out by Syracuse, and their best win came against the mighty Cincinnati Bearcats. Let me put it this way: if we had a college football playoff, neither of these teams would make the cut. There are at LEAST 6 other teams that deserve this game more.
Clemson by 6
In other college football news, USC quarterback Matt Barkley has decided to give up a top-10 spot in the NFL draft to come back to Southern Cal for his senior season. See you a year from now in the Rose Bowl, Trojans.
Alright then. Time for the semifinal picks.
Donald Drivehers (13-1) vs No Names (9-5)
Damn it. This game leaves me with two terrible options. Either I pick my longtime nemesis Joo, the guy who knocked me out of the championship bracket last week, or I pick Nate. I’m not quite sure why I hate picking Nate to win, but it feels like I die a little bit inside every time I do. By the way Joo, welcome to the Crevice. Never forget.
Donald Drivehers by 23
Teboning Buffalo Bill (9-5) vs Team Beaupre (10-4)
Here we go. In addition to a spot in the championship game, Oshkosh fantasy football supremacy is on the line in this one. As much as I’d like to pick Kenne based on his team name alone, it appears that God has abandoned the Broncos for the past two weeks. Come on Timmy, pull yourself together. Losing to the Patriots was one thing, but Buffalo? Really? I know it looks cooler when you sneak into the playoffs and then go on a dominating playoff run to win it all (like your 2010 Green Bay Packers, by the way), but Denver is seriously tempting fate. You can’t dick around with a playoff spot on the line. Don’t make a fool out of me.
Team Beaupre by 15
On to the consolation bracket…
Chode’s All Stars (8-7) vs I Plaxidentally Shot Myself (7-8)
First off, I apologize for not getting the Chode Picks out on time this week. Secondly, I demand an apology from all of you for not telling me that all of this week’s games were on Saturday instead of Sunday. I’m not a professional; you can’t possibly expect me to know that on my own. Also, now my lineup sucks because I didn’t make my roster changes in time. It’s all your faults. Ah, what the hell. For the second time in the ENTIRE HISTORY of the Chode Picks, I’ll pick myself to lose. Reverse jinx, anyone?
I Plaxidentally Shot Myself by 37
Weekend at Bernie’s (4-11) vs Moore is Less (5-10)
Neither of you care who wins this game. You know it, I know it, and honestly, I don’t blame either of you one bit.
TIE
On to the second consolation bracket...
Its on like Ndamukong (5-9) vs Mondolockdown (2-12)
Mondlock, you’ve pretty much got last place locked up by now. It takes an astounding amount of ineptitude to lose 14 out of 16 games in a fantasy season, but you’re right on the cusp of it. Also, I’m positive that you’re not going to read this, so I’ll come right out and say it: you are without a doubt the ugliest person on the planet. It’s not even close. Also, Jordan was overrated.
Its on like Ndamukong by 81
Walking a Fine Line (7-7) vs rockinoutwithmybigblacklockout (7-7)
You know what, Dave? I read your blog. All of it. And although I appreciate your writing, I was appalled that you’ve been cheating on us with two other leagues. All this time, I thought we had something special. I feel used. By the way, where do you get off picking Oregon to beat Wisconsin? Or picking Marquette to go further than the Badgers in the NCAA tournament? Who the hell do you think you are? I’ll make the outlandish predictions around here, thank you very much. For example, the Miami Heat will beat the Dallas Mavericks by 42 points tomorrow. That’s a stone cold fact. And even if most of you don’t give a damn about the NBA, you’re probably going to check the score tomorrow just to see how much I was off by.
Walking a Fine Line by 10
This week, the Ohio State football program was sanctioned with a one-year bowl ban beginning in 2012, as well as the loss of four scholarships. Based on these punishments, Penn State should be bowl-eligible again sometime around the year 2072.
In other college football news, Georgia head coach Mark Richt was hit with NCAA violations this week for paying his assistant coaches money out of his own pocket because he didn’t feel like they were being compensated fairly. Outrageous. How DARE you, Coach Richt? Charity and fairness have never been NCAA-sponsored values. Shame on you, Mark.
Ladder. High five, Sawle.
A very merry Christmas to you all.
- Chode Out.
And then there were eight. Welcome back to the fantasy quarterfinal edition of the Chode Picks, brought to you by Johnny O’s Sports Lounge. This week marks the beginning of the least wonderful time of the year in Madison, Wisconsin: finals. Don’t get me wrong, I have no problem with a week of no classes and a few exams, but for some reason, everyone else on campus decides to stop having fun for ten days. Naturally, since I only have one real exam and my grades don’t really matter anymore, this has led to the Chode trying (unsuccessfully) to get people to drink with me all week. So I’m sure you could imagine my surprise last night when after leaving the bars, I found myself surrounded by a swarm of beautiful, drunk girls. After taking a moment to thank God for this unanticipated stroke of luck, I realized that I was standing next to Montee Ball. I then watched as all of the girls (and more than a few guys) left me standing in the cold to pursue Montee’s affections. This is when I determined that I probably should have been a stellar athlete rather than a sportswriter. Due to these unfortunate circumstances, I have woken up the past few mornings with a crippling case of “the sobers”, and I’m still feeling the side effects. Bear with me. I’ll do my best to fulfill your expectations. But enough about me. Lets get to football.
Another week, another dominating victory for the Green Bay Packers. Honestly, I don’t know why the Raiders wasted their time flying to Green Bay. After running the score to 31-0 at halftime, Rodgers and company coasted to an easy victory. We even had a Matt Flynn sighting towards the end. Flynn cleverly threw two incompletions to mask his phenomenal skill from the other 31 NFL teams that will undoubtedly try to lure him away from the Packers in free agency next summer. Well played, Matt. Rodgers, on the other hand, actually played his worst game of the season statistically. His quarterback rating was a paltry 96.7, marking the first time in the past 14 games that it’s dipped below the century mark. Shame on you, Aaron. Besides Rodgers’ God-awful performance, there was one only other reason for Packer fans to be concerned: the MCL sprain suffered by Greg “I put the team on my back, do” Jennings. Jennings is expected to be out for 3 weeks, which will give him more than enough of time to get healthy for the playoffs. Crisis averted. Despite the injury, Mike McCarthy reportedly doesn’t plan on holding any starters out of the last three games of the season. I couldn’t agree more. This is not the time to take the foot off of the gas pedal, and when you’ve already won a Super Bowl, why not try for perfection?
In other football-related news, Jerry Sandusky’s lawyer released a statement today claiming that Sandusky was merely “teaching juveniles basic hygiene skills” in the Penn State shower room, such as “how to put soap on their body”. Are you fucking kidding me? That’s your defense? Really? This just confirms my suspicion that criminal defense attorneys are either soulless, stupid, or some combination of both. Sue me.
In basketball news, the New Orleans Hornets finally traded Chris Paul to the Clippers today, somehow managing to dodge David Stern’s mighty veto-axe. After decades of misery the Clippers are finally the best team in their own city. Leave it to the Clippers to finally become the best team in Los Angeles during the same year that the Mayans predicted the world to end. Maybe they were right after all. Regardless, I can’t wait to watch the Chris Paul/Blake Griffin/DeAndre Jordan alley-oop orgy that’s going to dominate the SportCenter Top 10 for the next two years.
In other NBA news, the Miami Heat are reportedly attempting to sign Tim Tebow to help LeBron James learn how to score in the fourth quarter. Zing!
Who wins a fight between a hurricane and Mike Ditka? Wait, the hurricane is named Hurricane Tebow. Suck it, Chicago.
If you couldn’t tell already, it’s time for me to pay tribute again to the savior of the Denver Broncos… MARION BARBER! I won’t write a paragraph about Tim this week, I promise. By the way, Matt Prater has quietly become the most clutch kicker in the NFL. 59 yards to force overtime, and then 51 yards to win the game. I don’t care what altitude you’re playing at, that’s impressive.
Congratulations to Eric, Brandon, Jared, and former league champion Dave for dropping into the consolation bracket after embarrassing first-round playoff losses. In the immortal words of Michael Beaupre, it sucks to suck.
Chode’s All Stars (8-6) vs No Names (8-5)
So. We meet again, Joo. For those of you who’ve recently began reading the Chode Picks, I’d like to let you know that the rivalry between the Chode and the Joo, (who is also known as Levi Hartz) is one of fantasy football’s oldest and most bitter rivalries. Exactly three years ago this week, Chode’s All Stars knocked Joo out of the playoffs for the first time, and it’s taken a three entire seasons for his team to recover and return to challenge me again. I suspect it will take even longer for him to deal with the ass-whooping that I’m about to deal out this week. Levi, I am going to take each one of your pre-existing holes and fill it with my seed, and then invite my infant son to go potty inside of you like a rest stop bathroom. I am going to shove my rigid fist up your ass and then open it like a catcher’s mitt. I am going to take a razor blade and slice you open from your ball sack to your taint like a taco. And most of all, I am going to shamelessly quote from The League on FX, because that show is fucking hilarious. Also, I want to give a big shout out to Marshawn Lynch, who single-handedly saved my season last week by bringing me back from fifteen points down last Monday night. Mondolockdown, HOLD MY DIIIIIIIIIIIIIICK!!!!!
Chode’s All Stars by 8,394
Braun Muffs Up (8-5) vs Weekend at Bernie’s (4-10)
Nice work, Kenne. Out of twelve teams in the league, you were the only one clever enough to pull off a Ryan Braun reference. By the way, if you had the choice, would you rather get busted for taking steroids, or have the entire country know that you have herpes? I’d take the second option, for one reason; I asked a quite a few girls this weekend if they would still sleep with Braun, knowing that he has herpes, and the overwhelming majority of them said yes, with no hesitation. Apparently, The Beatles lied to us, because money can buy love. Also, congratulations to Rob Gronkowski for breaking the NFL single season receiving touchdown record last week. My good friend Dan Nelson said it best: “four Redskins and every tight end in NFL history just got Gronk’d.” I’m still not fully convinced that Gronkowski and Tebow aren’t the same person.
Braun Muffs up by 81
Team Beaupre (9-4) vs Moore is Less (5-9)
Wait a minute. What the hell is Will doing in the quarterfinals? There must be some mistake. Let me check this out. Wow, Jared. Care to explain how you lost a playoff game to a team that’s won 6 games over the past 2 years? Should have started Manningham, dumbass. By the way, I think this is a good time to revise my Super Bowl prediction for the year. In week 3, I claimed that the undefeated Packers would play the Buffalo Bills in Indianapolis. Clearly, I had a bit too much faith in Ryan Fitzpatrick. It’s now clear to me that the 18-0 Packers will face the Denver Broncos in Super Bowl XLVI. How do I know this? Well, I used a highly sophisticated computer simulation to determine which teams had the best chance of making it through the playoffs. In other words, my roommate played a season of “Madden ‘11” with the Broncos and took them to a Super Bowl matchup against the Packers. That’s stone cold science, fellas. Can’t argue with it. So my new prediction is: Green Bay 31, Denver 24 in Super Bowl XLVI. Place your bets now.
Team Beaupre by 13
Donald Drivehers (12-1) vs I Plaxidentally Shot Myself (7-7)
Fuck you, Nate.
I Plaxidentally Shot Myself by 30
Shout out to Kenne Koehler this week for attempting to break Chode’s personal record of 24 consecutive days of drinking. Unfortunately for Kenne, he found himself on the wrong end of a $232 trespassing ticket on the third day of his attempt. Sorry Kenne, but in the words of Mercury Morris, “don’t call me when you’re on my block, call me when you’re at my doorstep”. Don’t beat yourself up too much though, you only fell short by three whole weeks. But seriously, get on my level. One million Chode Points to anyone who can make 25 days in a row (And you actually have to get drunk every day, not just a beer or two. It’s a lot more difficult than it sounds).
Congratulations to the UW-Whitewater Warhawks for winning their third consecutive NCAA Division 3 National Championship. Better luck next year, Mount Union.
Damn it. It’s snowing. I hate snow. All I wanted was a brown Christmas for once. Is that too much to ask?
Quote of the week: “Nothing is ever perfect in football… unless you’re the Packers.” – Tom Brady
Another quote of the week: “Study high, take the test high, get high scores!” – Ariel Xavier Carpo Evans
Sorry guys, I don’t have an awesome Youtube link for you this week. Somebody bail me out, please.
-Chode Out.
Every season, there is a single football game that transcends the sport itself. While other games pass through our consciousness and eventually fade from memory, these contests stick with us for years or even decades. They become less of a game between two opposing football teams, and more of a primal struggle for survival between good and evil. In these heroic competitions, one warrior must always rise above the rest and crush his foes with superior skill and athleticism. And although the warrior may not be the hero that was expected from the spectators, by the end of the game, it becomes clear that he is a man among boys on the field of play. We saw such a hero this past Saturday night. Standing tall, one leg in the air, confidently waiting for some dumbass Spartan to run into him and draw a game clinching penalty, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you…… BRAD NORTMAN!!! If for some reason you were trapped under a rock and missed the ending of the Big Ten Championship game last weekend, I’ll quickly summarize for you: Wisconsin punter Brad Nortman single-handedly catapulted the Badgers past rival Michigan State and into the Rose Bowl. After launching a booming punt with less than a minute to go in the fourth quarter, Nortman bravely stood with his leg hanging in the air as Michigan State’s Isaiah Lewis, attempting to block the punt, was teabagged by Brad’s enormous testicles and consequently flagged for roughing the kicker, a penalty that sealed a 42-39 victory for Wisconsin. Nortman then had sex with every girl in the stadium.
The Chode would like to extend his deepest thanks Mr. Nortman for giving me the opportunity to return to Pasadena for the Rose Bowl on January 2nd. That’s right, I’m headed back to L.A. Just bought my plane tickets yesterday. Can’t wait. Jealous? You should be. Also, I felt like I should thank the Spartan who drew the penalty as well, so after the game I sent the following Facebook message to Isaiah Lewis:
“Mr. Lewis, the University of Wisconsin would like to offer you one free ticket to the Rose Bowl Game presented by Vizio in Pasadena, CA on January 2nd, 2012. On Wisconsin!”
Oddly enough, he didn’t respond. Honestly, I would have given him my extra ticket (by the way, if anyone reading this wants it, I’ll sell it for face value).
I guess Russell Wilson and Montee Ball played pretty well too. Well done, fellas. Next victim: Phil Knight’s personal playground, the Oregon Ducks. I’ll write more about that game when we get closer to New Years.
In a related story, Montee Ball was named as a Hesiman finalist this week and will be traveling to New York for the official presentation on Saturday. He deserves it. Naturally, if the Chode were picking the Heisman winner, it would be Ball, but unfortunately it appears that the Waco media machine has already anointed Robert Griffin III as this year’s winner. Don’t get me wrong, Griffin is a hell of a player, but let’s be honest, he’s no Russell Wilson. Anyways, Ball will have a better shot at the Heisman next year after Andrew Luck, Trent Richardson and Griffin all head to the NFL. And yes, Montee is staying for his senior year. I’ve already decided. I know he can’t pass up the chance to be the featured athlete of the Chode Picks every week for a few measly NFL dollars. Especially after Dayne Crist transfers from Notre Dame to Wisconsin in the offseason (I’m calling it right now. Remember that.).
In other Wisconsin sports news, the Green Bay Packers ran their record to 12-0 last Sunday, toying with the New York Giants until the final minute when Aaron Rodgers went into All-Madden mode and drove the length of the field in 56 seconds to set up a game-winning field goal by Mason Crosby. With 4 games remaining against Oakland, Kansas City, Chicago and Detroit, it seems that a 16-0 season is inevitable, assuming that Mike McCarthy doesn’t pull Aaron Rodgers once Green Bay clinches the #1 seed. Even then, I think Matt Flynn could still lead Green Bay to wins over the Chiefs, Bears and Lions without much help. Now, I don’t mean to sound arrogant, but I’m pretty sure I predicted at the start of the season that the Badgers would make a BCS bowl game and that the Packers would go 16-0. Just call me NostraChodeus. As for my next prediction…
The Miami Heat will win lose no more than 10 games in the 2011-2012 regular season and will cruise to their second NBA title in 6 years. Honestly, there’s nobody in the East that has a chance to beat them in a seven game series. The Celtics are too damn old, and while Chicago may have the Derrick Rose, the MVP, but Miami has Pat Riley, the MVPenis. Riley was at it again on Thursday, convincing veteran forward Shane Battier to play in Miami for a significantly reduced salary. Basically, Battier is Mike Miller with a lower salary, better defense and less injury problems. Considering that the Heat will probably waive Miller before the season starts, they’ll have enough salary cap room to re-sign point guard Mario Chalmers and acquire center Eddy Curry to shore up their frontcourt. If you’re scoring at home, that leaves the Heat with a starting rotation of LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, Chris Bosh, Udonis Haslem, Shane Battier, Mario Chalmers, Joel Anthony and Eddy Curry. Barring injury, nobody is stopping that team this season, even if Chris Paul goes to the Lakers. The only weak spot on the Heat roster is at center, and if the rumors are true that Riley is working on a LeBron-for-Dwight Howard and Ryan Anderson trade, that position will be shored up in no time at all. In summary, I present to you your 2012 NBA Champions, the Miami Heat! Deal with it, America.
Hey speaking of LeBron, why isn’t anyone burning Albert Pujols’ jersey in St. Louis? Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do when your superstar leaves for greener pastures? Oh wait, I remember now. Ohio is full of bitter assholes. Well, enjoy your Gator Bowl, Ohio State. We’ll send you a picture of the Rose Bowl. And enjoy coming back to Camp Randall next November to get your asses handed to you. I’ll leave that one alone until next year.
Great move by the Big East Conference by adding Boise State, San Diego State, Houston, SMU and Central Florida this week, because when I think of the Big East, I think of California, Idaho and Texas. You’re still going to lose your automatic BCS bid though, don’t kid yourself.
Alright, time for the season’s first fantasy playoff edition of the Chode Picks, sponsored by Everclear grain alcohol. 8 teams will enter, 4 teams will advance to play the other 4 lucky bastards who got bye weeks. Let’s get to it.
Rockinoutwithmybigblacklockout (7-6) vs sucsex without honor (4-9)
Jared if you lose this one, I will mock you for all of eternity. Or at least until Christmas. I’m actually pretty impressed that you managed to win 7 games with Alex Smith and Matt Hasselbeck as your starting quarterbacks. And since Mike isn’t playing this week, I guess I’ll have to direct all of my Bear-fueled hatred towards Will this week. When your team is seriously considering signing a 50-year old Brett Favre to finish off the regular season because Kansas City just held you to three points, I think it’s time to admit that you’re offensively challenged. To make matters worse, Matt Forte is probably done for the year with an MCL sprain. With games against the surging Broncos and perfect Packers left on the schedule, I think we can safely say that the Bears are out of the playoff hunt. And I swear to God if the Cubs sign Prince Fielder, I’m going to burn the entire city of Chicago to the ground.
Rockinoutwithmybigblacklockout by 6 (Caleb Hanie INTs in 2 games as a starter)
Its on like Ndamukong (5-8) vs I Plaxidentally Shot Myself (6-7)
Well, if the Bears are doing their best to take themselves out of playoff contention, the Lions are right on their heels, dropping their past two games by a combined 26 points. To be fair, Detroit was playing the Packers and the Saints (probably the second best team in the NFC), so I’ll give them a break for now. Just don’t drop an easy one this week against Minnesota if you want to keep up with the Giants in the wild card race. Shouldn’t be too difficult. Unless you take the word of one of my Minnesotan roommates, who claims that “Christian Ponder is just as good as Aaron Rodgers, he just doesn’t have a good supporting cast”, and then we’ll both fall to our deaths from the top of your skyscraper of faulty logic. Anyways, in good conscience, I can’t pick Eric to win this one, considering he’s lost 8 of the past 9. Hey, speaking of terrible teams, Manning or Luck? You’ve got three seconds, go! (waiting…) Okay, if you answered anything other than “Manning”, you’re wrong. Why? Because Manning is still one of the best five quarterbacks in the league (and will be for the next half-decade), and if the Colts decide to thrown Luck into the fire on a terrible Colts team next season, he’s going to get the motherloving shit kicked out of him. Honestly, the best scenario for Indianapolis is to either draft Luck and trade him, or to trade the pick on draft day. And don’t try to sell me the Brett Favre/Aaron Rodgers parallel either, because Peyton Manning is better than Favre ever was, and ANDREW LUCK IS NOT AARON RODGERS! Sorry, went off on a bit of a tangent there. Chode is pretty drunk right now. I forgot how fast Everclear takes me from zero-to-pissing 60 proof.
I Plaxidentally Shot Myself by 2 (Career Pro Bowl appearances for Andrew Luck)
BREAKING NEWS: Chris Paul has been traded to the Los Angeles Lakers for Pau Gasol and Lamar Odom
Walking a Fine Line (7-6) vs Weekend at Bernie’s (3-10)
Matt Moore, Kenne? Really? Alright, we’ll roll with it I guess. This game marks the first contest in the battle for Oshkosh supremacy in the House that Jack Built. And no, I’m not going to make another joke about former Syracuse basketball coach Bernie Fine in this paragraph. Because in my opinion, all of these molestation jokes are getting old… unlike that kid in the Penn State showers. Sorry, couldn’t help myself. Let’s all hope that scumbag spends the rest of his life in the State Penn.
Walking a Fine Line by 107 (combined age of Jerry Sandusky’s 10 victims)
MORE BREAKING NEWS: NBA dictator commissioner David Stern has just nixed the aforementioned Chris Paul trade to promote “competitive balance” in the league. Bullshit. Don’t get me wrong, I hate the Lakers with a passion, but shooting down a trade like that was the absolute worst thing that Stern could have done while trying to repair the league’s public image after the lockout. Just retire already.
Chode’s All Stars (7-6) vs Mondolockdown (2-11)
Hold on. Let me gather myself for a minute. (waiting…) Ahem. TEBOW! TEBOW! TEBOW! TEBOW! TEBOW! TEBOW! TEBOW! TEBOW! TEBOW! In case you haven’t watched a minute of Sportcenter over the past week, T-Squared led the Broncos to yet another last-minute victory over the Minnesota Vikings. This led to ESPN dedicating an entire hour of coverage to Tebow the next day. Jared, I can almost hear you screaming in anger from 200 miles away, so I’ll go ahead and agree with you: the media’s fascination with Tebow is absurd. The guy gets more face time than Rodgers, Drew Brees and Tom Brady combined. But you know what? There are two ways you can deal with Tebowmania. You can either get pissed off and change the channel every time he’s on TV, or you can embrace it and enjoy the ride. Clearly, I chose the second option. As any Denver Bronco or Miami Heat fan will tell you, it’s a hell of a lot more fun this way. Try thinking of Tebow as the anti-Favre. That should help (by the way, if Favre is the antichrist, and Tebow is the anti-Favre, well… I’ll let you connect the dots). Go Broncos.
Chode’s All Stars by not one, not two, not three, not four, not five, not six, not seven…
Unfortunately, the North Dakota Scalpers aren’t playing football anymore, so I can’t give you an update on their season this week. I would give you an update on their other sports, but lets be honest, nobody gives a damn.
Well, that’s all for the Chode Picks this week. Enjoy your weekend, fellas. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do. By the way, you should check out the first link below. It’s short and pretty damn funny. I swear I’m not Rickrolling you this time.
2,209 words. That’s a Chode Picks personal best. High five for myself.
We eat ‘em up, we swallow ‘em down, we spit ‘em out, no HOMO!
-Chode Out.
