Chode Picks – Week 13

Here we go again.  Welcome back readers, to the second annual Big Ten Championship Edition of the Chode Picks!!  It’s been about a week since we’ve last meet, and I somehow managed to survive the tedious ordeal that was Thanksgiving break in Menomonie.  First and foremost, I want to preview the colossal showdown that will determine the Big Ten’s fate in January this year, so without further ado…

BADGERS!  CORNHUSKERS!  MONTEE BALL, CURT PHILLIPS, REX BURKHEAD TAYLOR MARTINEZ AND A BUNCH OF UGLY WHITE OFFENSIVE LINEMEN!!  That’s right, we’re less than 24 hours from the start of the 2012 Big Ten Championship game, brought to you by Dr. Pepper.  This year’s title tilt features 12^th-ranked, 10-2 Nebraska against unranked, 7-5, barely bowl-eligible Wisconsin facing off in Indianapolis with a trip to the Rose Bowl on the line.  Now I realize that any sane, rational Badger fan probably wouldn’t be optimistic about our chances against the heavily favored Huskers tomorrow, but you’ve probably been reading for long enough to know that I’ve already convinced myself that this season will end with nothing less than a third consecutive Big Ten championship for my alma mater.  Honestly, I think Bret Bielema has done a brilliant job of sandbagging the regular season, only doing enough to get us a trip to the title game, only to unleash the full power of the Wisconsin football machine upon the hapless Nebraskans.  So yeah, I’m picking the Badgers to take home the hardware, and to be honest, I don’t think it will be close either.  Also, I think it would be hilariously awesome if we finally won the Rose Bowl this season with five losses and no national ranking.  And since student tickets are only $40 apiece and Indianapolis is a mere 6 hours away, I really can’t afford not to make the trip.  With two of the most passionate college fan bases in the country confined in a half-mile radius surrounding LucasOil Field, it should be a damn good weekend.  Consider this my substitute for the Rose Bowl this season, although I reserve the right to change my mind about going to Pasadena again if (when) the Badgers win.

Wisconsin by 13

Also, Camp Randall’s Jump Around was voted as the best tradition in college football by Sports Illustrated this week, so that’s awesome.

On a more somber note, the Green Bay Packers dropped to 7-4 last Sunday night after getting demolished by the New York Fucking Giants.  After the past few seasons, I didn’t think it was possible for me to despise a sports team more than the Chicago Bears, but Eli and his band of jackasses are making me think twice.  I hate to admit it, but it really seems like the Giants have the Packers’ number.  Their combination of relentless pass-rush and solid zone coverage gives our offense fits, and without Clay Matthews in the lineup, we just can’t seem to put any sort of pressure on Eli Manning.  Also, I don’t know who that mustachioed impostor was on Sunday Night doing a poor Aaron Rodgers impersonation, but I’m counting my lucky stars that December starts tomorrow and he’ll finally be able to remove that damn caterpillar from his upper lip and torch that inferior team from Minnesota on Sunday. 

Chode’s All Stars (3-9) vs Current Black Presidents (7-5)

I.  Give.  Up.  I have now wasted nearly seven seasons attempting and failing miserably to win a fantasy football title.  My best finish since 2006?  Third place.  Third fucking place.  And that was when I played in an 8-team league.  Now most of you know me pretty well, so you’re well aware that I’m a brilliant, motivated and talented individual, but there are times when even I have to admit defeat.  You win, fantasy football.  I’m simply no match for your week-to-week challenges.  I’m about to lose to a team quarterbacked by Carson Palmer’s corpse.  And to be completely honest, I really don’t care anymore.  I place my sports happiness in the Packers, Badgers, Heat and Brewers, and the only time I gain any satisfaction from fantasy sports is when I can knock off one of you other assholes.  So I propose that we disband the league and start over with fantasy basketball.  Or a March Madness bracket challenge.  I’m good at those.

Current Black Presidents by 20

ABC – It’s Easy as RG3 (10-2) vs Team Beaupre Jared Sucks (6-6)

Booooooooooooooo.

ABC – It’s Easy as RG3 by 8

No Names (6-6) vs Stafford Infection (5-7)

In other college football news, a lesser conference from the Southeast will be holding their championship game as well tomorrow when the #2 Alabama Crimson Tide face off against the #3 Georgia Bulldogs for the right to steamroll Notre Dame in the BCS championship game.  Personally, I’ll be pulling for the Bulldogs because just the thought of watching an Alabama-Notre Dame title game makes me want to strangle an orphan.  Mostly because I can’t stand watching the SEC win yet another national championship after they seemed dead in the water a month ago, but also because it forces me to root for the Fighting Irish.  How about that for a racist mascot, by the way?  How is that any less offensive than “Fighting Sioux”? When I hear the term “fighting Irish”, I think of a bunch of obese, redheaded forty-year old men beating the shit out of each other over a soccer match.  It’s about damn time Jack Swarbrick and the rest of the Notre Dame athletic administration showed some balls and changed the name.  How about the Notre Dame Patriots, or the Notre Dame Saints?  Hell, they could even go way out there and pick the Notre Dame Ninjas.  One of you liberal bastards ought to be on this already.

No Names by 0.07

I’m thinking RBs (7-4) vs Mondolockdown (9-3)

Actual quote from my roommates last night: “Wait, are the Heat playing the Saints tonight?”  No.  No, they’re not, Katie.  Believe it or not, the SA stands for “San Antonio”, not “SAints”.  By the way, thank you Greg Popovich for deciding to send your four best players home yesterday for rest.  After the horrible game that all of the Heat role players played tonight (everyone not named “LeBron”, Chris” or Ray”, yes that includes you, Dwyane), they would have lost by 30 to the actual Spurs.  Fortunately though, San Antonio decided to hold Senior Skip Day in Miami, which allowed Spoelstra’s crew to hang on for a close victory over San Antonio’s B-team.  I’m gonna be honest: even though we’re only 14 games in, the Heat’s (lack of) defense scares the hell out of me.  Fortunately, we still have LeBron James.  And just for fun, I’d like to point out that Miami is now 6-0 in games decided by 6 points or less.  So there you have it ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the most clutch team in the NBA: the Miami Heat!!  Also Brandon, I hate to rain on your parade, but despite your recent delusions of grandeur, you’re not winning the league this year.  My guess is you’ll come tantalizingly close, making the semifinals or even the championship round, but then the Broncos will rest Manning for the playoffs and your supporting cast will go down in flames.  All that effort for nothing.  Best of luck anyways.

Mondolockdown by 1848

Roddy White Suburban (7-5) vs Red Hot Chodey Peppers (3-9)

So this is how bad it’s gotten: I now have the same record as Nate.  Shit.  Since that’s embarrassing, I’m gonna take a moment to write about Penn State head coach Bill O’Brien instead.  Believe it or not, I’m actually pretty damn impressed with the job he did this season in guiding the Nittany Liars  to eight wins this season.  It takes a hell of a man to rebuild a program that collapsed so spectacularly under the weight of Joe Paterno’s legend and Jerry Sandusky’s genitals, especially after starting the season 0-2.  And it’s going to take an even better effort by his successor after O’Brien bolts for a head coaching job with the Eagles, Chiefs, Jaguars or Cowboys next season.  Can’t blame him.  After all, I was always in favor of giving Penn State the death penalty, which the NCAA somehow avoided by stating that their authority only extended to “matters of competitive balance and fairness”.  Really?  Well shoot.  Maybe next time you can revise your criteria to include a provision that takes “creepy old men anally raping young boys on university property” into consideration.  Or not.  Just my two cents. 

Roddy White Suburban by $0.02

The Nation of Israel Idonije (2-10) vs Dalton’s Red Zone (7-5)

In case you didn’t get a chance to catch the ACC/Big Ten Challenge this week, it ended in the first tie in the history of the event.  Somehow, the heavily favored Big Ten managed to piss away games against Miami, Boston College and Virginia and waste what should have been an easy victory for the deepest conference in the country.  Unfortunately, there’s only one man to blame for this travesty: Bo Ryan.  To put it simply, the Wisconsin Men’s basketball team sucks balls this year.  We’re too slow to create open shots, nobody can get to the rim, and our leading rebounder is a 6-foot tall white shooting guard.  We’re just not going to win a whole lot of games with Ben Brust as our only reliable scoring option, and it doesn’t look like Sam Dekker is coming along fast enough to drag us out of this mess.  It’s going to be a long season.  I’ll consider it a success if we can somehow keep our NCAA tournament streak of 14 years (fourth longest in the country, by the way) intact.  But don’t hold your breath.

Dalton’s Red Zone by 1

Another brilliant quote from my other roommate yesterday: “I think I still have a lot to learn about football.  I mean, I know which one is the quarterback, but I still couldn’t tell you which one is the wide end.”  Yup.  This is the same one who gleefully texts me after every Packer loss, completely unaware of the fact that the Vikings usually also got their asses kicked on the same day.  Ignorance is bliss, I guess.  But in all seriousness friend, listen up.  I’m only going to type this once.  Your team is shit, they will always be shit, and their lives have less value due to the simple fact that they live on the wrong side of the Mississippi River.  Also, I let a large spider loose in your room. 

Hey did you know that the Mayan calendar ends in three weeks?  You do now.  I remember the first time I heard about the whole 2012 apocalypse conspiracy back in my senior year of high school, and I recall thinking to myself “that is absolutely the stupidest shit I’ve ever heard”.  Four years later, it still hasn’t changed.  Maybe if the Mayans hadn’t spent so much time predicting the end of the world they could have focused more on avoiding smallpox and being enslaved by the Spanish.  Live and learn, I guess.

Until next time…

-Chode Out.

Chode Picks – Week 12

Hello all, and welcome to a very special Thanksgiving edition of the Chode Picks.  Coming to you from Menomonie, Wisconsin (recently named the 15^th best small town in America by the Smithsonian Institute), I’m back to fulfill your need for all things sports related on the start of the 2012 holiday season.  First off, in keeping with holiday tradition, I’d like to tell you all about the things that I’m thankful for this holiday season.  In no particular order:

-       I’m thankful that I only have to spend two more full days in Menomonie.  I’m not sure who was in charge of putting together the Smithsonian small town rankings that put Menomonie at number 15, but I think it’s safe to say that they’ve never spent more than a day in this city.  I probably shouldn’t be so hard on my hometown because after all, I grew up here and I turned out to be pretty damn awesome, but it seems like every time I come back, I’m ready to leave again after 24 hours.

-       I’m thankful for the ridiculously large bottle of wine that my dear mother instructed me to finish this evening before I started writing, mostly so she could etch it into another one of her art projects.  Seriously mom, I appreciate your creativity, but not every glass object in the house needs to have “Quilling” or some weird Chinese symbol etched onto it.  Nobody in our family speaks a word of Chinese anyways.  Also, we’re white.  About as white as it gets, apart from the gorgeous tan that I usually acquire over the summer months.

-       I’m thankful that the Penn State Nittany Lions and Ohio State Buckeyes are on probation this fall, because there’s no way in hell the Badgers would have been able to make the Big Ten Championship game otherwise.  So thank you Jim Tressell and Jerry Sandusky, for letting me take a trip to Indianapolis in two weeks.  And if we find a way to get past Nebraska, I’ll be thankful for the first unranked team in decades to make the Rose Bowl.

-       I’m thankful that Mark Sanchez isn’t our quarterback.

-       I’m thankful for Gary Bettman, the one man dense enough to destroy a professional sports league in America, robbing Minnesota of their only source of hope in the process.  Well done, sir.

-       I’m thankful that Disney has taken over Star Wars from George Lucas, if only because it became pretty clear in Episodes I, II and III that the old man had lost his damn mind.  It was a lot like watching Al Davis during his last few years with the Raiders, except I’m pretty sure that Anakin Skywalker could have thrown a better spiral than JaMarcus Russell.  Anyways, if the three upcoming movies hold true to the accepted Star Wars canon, Episode VII should be about the New Republic’s liberation of Borleais, followed by the Battle of Coruscant in Episode VIII, and finally Rogue Squadron’s emancipation of Thyferra from Empress Ysanne Isard in Episode IX.  Don’t let me down, Disney.  And yes, you were all just on the receiving end of my glorious nerd-gasm.  I’ll give you a moment to clean yourself up.  You’re welcome.

-       I’m thankful for the first snowfall of the season.  Just kidding.  I fucking hate snow.  I’ve lived in Wisconsin my entire life, and I don’t ski, snowboard, snowshoe or do anything that gives me a use for this miserable white crap that covers the ground for half the year.  Don’t get me wrong, I love my state and I appreciate the seasons, I just want to live in a place that skips over the shitty ones.

-       Lastly, I’m thankful for all of my readers.  More specifically, I’m thankful for the eighteen devoted souls who actually read last week’s edition.  Yes, that’s right.  Only 18 out of the 63 people in the Chode Picks group felt it was worth their time to take five minutes and read what I thought was one of the best editions I’ve ever produced.  Come on guys, throw me a fucking bone here.  If I’m going to take a few hours out of my week to write four pages of bullshit, I’d appreciate it if at least half of you followed along.  Otherwise, it’s just embarrassing.  I even thought about posting my blog on Facebook’s news feed just to get a few more readers, but I decided that I’m not quite arrogant enough to think that all 800 of my friends need to read my garbage.  Also, I think a lot of them would judge me. 

Chode’s All Stars (3-8) vs No Names (5-6)

One thing I’m not thankful for at all: my fantasy football team.  More specifically, Elisha Nelson Manning.  He’s done this to me two seasons in a row now.  He plays shitty all season long and torpedoes my team, then turns it on in the playoffs when I can’t benefit from him.  What an asshole.  I’ll feel better after Casey Hayward and company kick his ass on Sunday.  As for this week, I’m starting Colin Kaepernick instead out of respect for what he did to the Bears on Monday night. 

Chode’s All Stars by 2 (cities that I’m going to burn down if Eli beats the Packers)

Current Black Presidents (7-4) vs ABC – It’s Easy as RG3 (9-2)

Ugh.  In case you weren’t paying attention, RG3 went off again for 37 points today.  This is getting ridiculous.  Rookies aren’t supposed to be this good.  He’s like Michael Vick in his prime, only much, much more accurate.  Fortunately though, the Vikings were dumb enough to win one game too many last season and miss out on the chance to turn their franchise around by drafting him.  Of the 12 guys in our fantasy league, 11 of us now feel like idiots for not grabbing him in the late rounds of our fantasy draft.  Regardless, I’m not making the same mistake with Geno Smith and Kansas City next year.  I’m calling dibs right now.  Geno is mine, you guys hear me?

ABC – It’s Easy as RG3 by 11 (dudes that I will stab if I don’t get Smith in next year’s draft)

Team Beaupre Jared Sucks (5-6) vs I’m thinking RBs (7-4)

Alright, time for a more positive subject: med school!  As I told you a couple of weeks ago, I recently had a brutal stretch of five exams in three days.  Afterwards, I decided to reward myself with one of my patented drinking sprees over the next week or so.  Following a few days’ worth of celebrations, I felt guilty about my lack of productivity, so I decided to check my exam scores online to either make myself feel better or provide motivation to get my ass back in gear.  Much to my surprise, it turns out I did very, very well on this set of exams too.  Feeling secure with this knowledge, I decided to start my Thanksgiving break two days early by having one of those nights where I take way too many shots, yell at strangers on State Street, wake up in strange places and miss all of my classes the next day.  Naturally, after shaking off the hangover I turned around and did the same thing the following night, leading to a semester-high streak of 9 days of drinking, which I should be able to stretch to 12 by the end of this weekend.  That might not seem like much to you, but you have to believe me when I say that I’m pretty damn proud of myself.  Hooray for beer, poor decisions and a state that celebrates them both.  On Wisconsin.

Team Beaupre Jared Sucks by 12

Stafford Infection (5-6) vs Roddy White Suburban (6-5)

Hmm.  I hate to admit it, but the Lions really got screwed today.  Not quite Packers-Seahawks screwed, but the refs still missed an easy call that would have taken away a Houston touchdown, then called a 15-yard penalty on Jim Schwartz for throwing a challenge flag, since all scoring plays are reviewed by the booth automatically (Unless of course, you throw the red flag.  Then apparently they rule against you, take away your challenge, move you back 15 yards, steal your car and bang your wife).  Tough break, Detroit.  In other NFC North news, Green Bay coach Mike McCarthy has stated that he’ll stand by beleaguered kicker Mason Crosby, despite the fact that right now Crosby couldn’t hit shit if he fell into a cesspool.  Also, I feel like now is a good time to point out that Nate Kaeding, one of the most accurate kickers in NFL history, is currently on waivers.

Speaking of guys who need to be fired, Chiefs coach Romeo Crennell announced this week that Brady Quinn will start in place of Matt Cassell, which means that Kansas City has officially started tanking for the #1 pick in June.  I suppose you could make the argument that Quinn might be able to inject some life into a stagnant offense, but I’d counter that Quinn is marginally better than Cassell in the same way that a condom full of fire ants is marginally better than castration in terms of contraception.

Mondolockdown (8-3) vs The Nation of Israel Idonije (2-9)

Big Ten update!  The Greatest Conference of All Time added two new members this week in Maryland and Rutgers, looking to expand into the lucrative east coast TV markets.  That must be the reason anyways, because there’s no way this moves makes the conference better at sports or academics.  Either that or commissioner Jim Delany thinks college football is a giant game of Risk, and will soon be adding North Dakota, Montana and Washington to fulfill the Big Ten’s manifest destiny of stretching from coast to coast.  Regardless, both Maryland and Rutgers will be added to Wisconsin’s division, as Illinois crosses over to the other.  So in essence, we traded one shitty team for two, which doesn’t really affect our conference title hopes from year to year.  Meh.  In other Big Ten football news, Minnesota’s leading receiver AJ Barker quit the team last week citing abusive treatment from head coach Jerry Kill.  Normally this is where I’d invite Barker to come down to Madison and play for a winning team, but after reading more about the story and looking up Barker’s Twitter profile, I’ve come to the conclusion that the kid is kind of a whiny bitch.  No thank you AJ, stay away from my team.

Mondolockdown by 23

Red Hot Chodey Peppers (3-8) vs Dalton’s Red Zone (6-5)

Every now and then in the course of human history, God looks down from upon his mighty throne, points his finger at a small child and declares, “this one shall have balls carved out of fucking granite”.  Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the early leader for Chode’s Athlete of the Year Award: Jack Taylor of Grinnell College.  Located in small-town Iowa, Grinnell is home to a private liberal arts college that can now call itself home to a basketball player who shattered the national record by scoring 138 (ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY-EIGHT!!) points in a 40-minute basketball game.  Taking 108 shots at an absurd 66% true shooting percentage, Sir Jack led his team to a 178-104 win over Faith Baptist College on Tuesday night.  Insane.  That’s the kind of stat line I’d expect to see from Kevin Durant playing against a bunch of middle schoolers, not from a 5’ 10” white dude from Black River Falls.  Damn. 

Dalton’s Red Zone by 138

Congratulations to the Stanford Cardinal on upsetting the #2 ranked Oregon Ducks last week, setting up what will probably be the most lopsided national championship game in recent memory between Notre Damn and Alabama.  Damn it Oregon, all you had to do was win out to keep the SEC from extending their streak to 7 BCS titles in a row.  And now Ohio State will end up as the only undefeated team in the country, and we’ll have to listen to them talk about how they could have totally beaten the Crimson Tide if it weren’t for the bowl ban.  Bullshit.  On the bright side though, this means the Badgers have a slim chance of playing Stanford or UCLA in the Rose Bowl if everything breaks right.  Both of those teams are beatable.  On the other hand, if we get Oregon again, we’re losing by 50.

More congratulations to Baylor’s Brittney Griner on the 8^th dunk of her college career last week, which apparently is a big deal if you’re a women’s basketball player.  Way to go, Brittney.  Blake Griffin gets 8 dunks literally every day of his life.

Meow.

- Chode Out.

Chode Picks – Week 11

Welcome back friends, family, followers and internet stalkers, to the 11^th edition in the seventh season of humanity’s greatest achievement to date, the one and only CHODE PICKS!!  Coming to you from ground zero of the college football landscape, the Picks are back after a week-long hiatus to prepare you for the last great weekend of the year.  First and foremost…

BADGER FOOTBALL!!  That’s right, the unranked, 7-3 Wisconsin Badgers play host to the undefeated Ohio State Buckeyes tomorrow afternoon in the latest contest of what has become one of the most heated rivalries in the nation over the past decade.  Wisconsin, having already locked up a trip to the Big Ten Championship game, will be looking to spoil Ohio State’s undefeated season and knock them out of the national title hunt… whoops, sorry about that.  What I meant to say is that despite the Buckeyes’ superior record this season, the Badgers have already won due to their ability to win games without being a bunch of cheating assholes.  That’s right, Ohio.  Fuck your Buckeyes, Browns, Bengals, Indians and Cavaliers.  Hey, speaking of disappointment…

SHITTY MOVIES!!  The fourth installment of the Twilight series comes out this week.  The only reason I bring this up is to point out that over the past three years or so, while the rest of the world was going nuts over shirtless vampires, werewolves and whatever the hell else goes on in those stupid movies, I managed to avoid learning anything about the franchise.  Literally the only things I’ve gathered is that there are two terrible actors named Jacob and Edward who fight each other over some pale, skinny whore.  Also, it’s been proven that if you watch all four movies in a row you’ll cut your body’s natural testosterone production in half.  The lesson as always: kids are idiots.   Go watch Skyfall instead.  Hey speaking of things that aren’t worth watching…

KITTENS!!  Yup.  I know earlier this fall I told you all about how I was adjusting to being the only male in the household this semester, but I feel like you all should know that no less than twice this week, I’ve come home to one of my roommates watching a live stream of kittens or puppies online.  Seriously?  This is what you do with your free time!?!?  You have nothing better to do than watch small animals stumble around and shit themselves all day!?!?  Ridiculous.  I continue to lose faith in humanity every day.  Sadly, there’s only one way to cure our society’s cat-obsessed ADHD: get rid of all of the kittens.  Or at least put them all in zoos.  Then when the droves of morons all flood to the cages to see them, we can do the world a favor by disposing of them all efficiently in a terrifying display of power and masculinity.  ‘Merica!

Chode’s All Stars (3-7) vs Roddy White Suburban (5-5)

Son of a bitch.  I think it’s finally time for me to admit something that I’ve been hiding for a long time: I suck at fantasy football.  And as long as I’m making confessions, I might as well tell you all that the unthinkable finally happened two weeks ago: I lost at Super Smash Brothers.  Please, try to contain your shock and disappointment.  After an unprecedented winning streak of nearly two years, I finally found an opponent who was just straight-up better than me.  I’m not even going to pretend that it was a close game, because I struggled to get even a single kill.  It was a true raping.  Just like what I’m going to do to Dan’s team this week.  See the attached video for further demonstration.  Also, props for the team name.  Doesn’t matter that you, me, Jared and Levi are the only ones who understand the significance of the White Suburban.  But in all seriousness, I’m going to rape you this week.

Chode’s All Stars by 400

No Names (5-5) vs Current Black Presidents (6-4)

So I’m watching the Friday night Badger-Gopher hockey game right now, which is tied at 2 in the third period in spite of rampant cheating on the part of Minnesota.  I’ve had the unfortunate experience of watching the Wisconsin defenders lay vicious-yet-legal hits on the weak-assed Minnesotans, only to see them draw dubious penalties that have allowed the Gophers to stay in the game.  Garbage.  I can’t be too upset about it though, since nobody really cares about hockey now that the NHL doesn’t exist anymore.  Thank you Gary Bettman, for robbing the mud-ducks of the one source of pride in their miserable existence. 

And that is the very last time I will write about hockey this year (crossing fingers).

No Names by 6

I’m thinking RBs (7-3) vs RG3 – ABC – It’s Easy as RG3 (8-2)

YEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!  DAVE FINALLY LOST!!!! AND NOT ONLY DID HE LOSE, BUT HE LOST TO THE WORST DAMN TEAM IN THE LEAGUE!!!!!  WHAT DOES IT MEAN?? DOES IT MEAN I WAS RIGHT ABOUT GRIFFIN?? YES! YES! YES IT DOES!!!  Whew.  Alright.  Sorry man, had to do it.  And as long as you’re your current losing streak, I can’t pick you again until you prove me wrong.  I never believed in that Doug Martin guy anyways.

I’m thinking RBs by my MCAT score.

Also, the Knicks lost tonight.  About damn time.  I hope you enjoyed your moment in the sun New York, because it won’t be long before Amar’e comes back and you come back down to Earth as first-round fodder in the Eastern Conference.  #LeBroncore2012.

The Nation of Israel Idonije (2-8) vs Team Beaupre Jared Sucks (6-4)

There’s just one more reason why this week has been awesome.  Quick! Name the Bears’ 49ers’ and Eagles’ starting quarterbacks this week!  I’ll save you some time: Jason Campbell, Colin Kaepernick and Nick Foles.  They’re all career backups, and none of them are fit to carry Aaron Rodgers’s jockstrap.  And that friends, is why the Green Bay Packers still own the National Football Conference.  If you don’t believe me now, you will in January, because Jay Cutler now has had exactly one concussion for every testicle that me, Kenne Koehler, Cody Stanton and Lance Armstrong have in our pants.  Don’t get me wrong, concussions are no laughing matter.  Unless of course, they happen to the Bears.  Then they’re hilarious.

Team Beaupre Jared Sucks by not one, not two, not three, not four, not five, not six, but seven (SEVEN!!) concussions.  Do yourself a favor and hang it up Jay.  Trust me, I’m almost a doctor.

Dalton’s Red Zone (5-5) vs Stafford Infection (5-5)

Leave it to the ginger to make a joke about Andy Dalton’s disability.  Not cool man, not cool at all.  There are approximately 30 million people affected by gingervitus in the United States, and my heart goes out to each and every one of them.  It’s not your fault that God chose not to bless you with impeccable good looks like he did for me.  In fact, I feel obligated to inform all of you that you should go ahead and get an NFL Network subscription, along with their RedZone option, only because ten percent of the profits go towards finding a cure for this debilitating disease.  Someday we’ll find a cure. 

Dalton’s Red Zone by 13

Red Hot Chodey Peppers (2-8) vs Mondolockdown (8-2)

I would feel remiss this week if I didn’t write about the earth-shaking college football upset that occurred last Saturday while I was locked in the Chamber of Secrets studying my life away.  I hope you all watched as “Johnny Football” and the Texas A&M Aggies knocked off the defending champion Alabama Crimson Tide in Tuscaloosa.  As much as I enjoyed watching Nick Saban’s crew go down in flames, I have to admit that it sincerely annoyed me when I found out that Johnny Manziel’s family attempted to trademark the nickname “Johnny Football” after the victory.  First of all, the kid is nineteen years old.  You don’t get to claim fame to a very common first name after just one season.  Secondly, the name “Jonny Football” has already been bestowed upon another great athlete in our lifetime.  His name is Jon Heimler, and he’s about to wrap up his illustrious career with a victory over Northern Colorado as the North Dakota Casino Wranglers finish a historic 6-5 season.  So from this point on, John Manziel will be referred to simply as “Johnny Capitalism” by the Chode Picks.  Also, congratulations on getting into medical school, Jon.  I know you’re a bit too humble to do what everyone else does and post a gloating Facebook status about it, so I’ll go ahead and blow your horn anyways.  No homo.

Mondolockdown by 80

Random thoughts before I post the Chode Picks and go to sleep on this fantastic Friday night:

-       Aaron Rodgers is engaged.  I had to save this for the end because I know that all of my female readers just gave up on life.

-       Casey Hayward eats lightning and shits thunder.

-       After exams wrapped up this week, the administration at the UW Medical School decided it would be a good idea to hold a mandatory “poverty simulation” at 7:45 AM the next day.  While this may have been a good idea for getting privileged medical students to appreciate what it’s like to seek out heathcare in the United States when you’re too poor to buy groceries, it was the absolute worst decision when you force me to come to school after a night of excessive libations and expect me to act mature about it.  Make no mistake. I won the “poverty simulation”.  Mostly by robbing my fellow classmates with a squirt gun, which left me with fat stacks of cash, and everyone else sick, poor and hungover as shit.  Chode 1, Med School 0.  The biggest lesson I learned: don’t be poor.

-       Hello! I've just now made your acquaintance, and it is agreeably unpsychologically balanced, but here are the digits to reach my estate, call upon me perhaps?

-       If you’re in Madison today, there is absolutely no excuse for not making it to the greatest pregame party in the country tomorrow morning.  1206 Bowen Court.  Beer, drinking games, beautiful women, Q-Bombs, and a whopping EIGHT POUNDS OF STACON!!!  See you all in six hours.

- Chode Out.

Chode Picks - Week 10

FRIDAY:

Gentlemen, these are dark times.  It’s officially the worst week of the season.  You know what I’m talking about.  The one weekend every fall where we’re deprived of the glorious green and gold scoring orgy known as the Green Bay Packers.  Yes, the bye week has returned, and I don’t know if I can put into words the emptiness that I feel inside.  To make matters worse, I have no less than FIVE exams in three days starting on Monday.  So here I sit on a Friday night, mostly sober, writing the Chode Picks because I can’t bring myself to read another page of immunology.  Even more depressing than that, the rest of campus apparently didn’t get the memo that I have to study this weekend, so I’ve been forced to endure the sights and sounds of the greatest party school in the country passing by just outside my window all night.  Loud music, the sweet sound of freshly opened beers, girls in stripper heels and miniskirts… it’s enough to drive a man insane.  Damn you, Dean Golden.  Damn you for insisting that I get a real education before I can cut people open.  It’s just not fair.  My only solace is that Curt Phillips and my beloved Badgers are incredibly still playing for a spot in the Big Ten Championship game tomorrow against the Indiana Hoosiers.  Apparently, Coach Bielema finally took my advice to heart (screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PUT PHILLIPS IN!” from the stands all season) and decided to give our fifth-year senior with two broken ACLs a chance to lead the Wisconsin offense.  It’s about damn time.  I don’t care if Phillips is a less athletic version of Tim Tebow, the man has some guts, and he deserves a shot to bring us back to Pasadena.  Just run the fucking Wildcat for all I care.  Everyone knows we can’t throw the ball anyways.  Anyways, that’s enough depressing news for one week, time for some silver linings.

First of all, I’d like to proudly point out that the Green Bay Packers have now won SEVEN games in a row at home when the Chode has been in attendance.  And make no mistake, this was no ordinary trip to Lambeau.  You see, one of my friends had the brilliant idea of renting a party bus from Madison to Green Bay last Sunday, which turned a typical Packer gameday into the greatest party your favorite writer has seen since the illustrious summer of 2012.  It.  Was.  Awesome.  I don’t think I can even put into words how much fun I had last Sunday, so I’ll just tell you that even after the bus broke down outside of Beaver Dam and we had to wait for an hour for another to come pick us up (resulting in me missing the first quarter), it was without a doubt the most fun I’ve ever had at a professional football game.  In fact, I’ve decided that it would be irresponsible of me not to plan a similar trip next season, so let me know if you’re interested in tagging along.  You won’t regret it.

Also, count me as a fan of the new renovations at Lambeau Field.  After using the shareholders’ hard-earned money to enclose the upper bowl of the stadium, I can confidently say that it was worth every penny they extracted from us.  It really does trap in the sound.  Even better, our seats now have a ledge over them, which keeps the freezing wind and rain away so I can focus on the game instead of how bitter upper Wisconsin is in November.

In other great sporting news this week, the Wisconsin Men’s basketball team finished off their preseason schedule with a 96-54 massacre of UW-Oshkosh on Wednesday night.  Yes, you read that correctly.  A 52-point margin of victory.  Fifty-two.  From the Wisconsin “hold the ball until the very last second and then shoot” Badgers.  I’m not sure if that says more about how good the Badgers are or how terrible Oshkosh is, but it’s still pretty damn impressive.  Mark my words, Wisconsin is going to light up the scoreboard this year in the Big Ten.  In fact, I’ll go out on a limb and even say that they’ll make their first Final Four since 2000 now that Jordan Taylor is gone.  Thank God.  I hated watching that guy.  Probably because he’s so damn ugly.  Or maybe it’s because he would routinely steal girls away from me at campus bars.  Whatever.  Enjoy your professional career and the millions of dollars that come with it, JT.  I’m still here, studying myself smart and drinking myself stupid.  I think we both know who came out ahead.

Chode’s All Stars (3-6) vs I am Default (4-5)

I.  Am.  Default.  Well done, Jared.  It doesn’t matter that only three or four of the people reading this know the spirit behind it, I still appreciate an inside joke from sophomore year of high school.  In fact, I feel like I should share with you my own running joke that I’ve been enjoying for the past few weeks.  It’s called “hide a large purple dildo on my roommate”.  Yes, that’s right Sobes.  I took your favorite toy and put it in a place where it will turn up at a very inopportune moment.  Consider yourself warned. 

Chode’s All Stars by 6 or 7.

SATURDAY:

Current Black Presidents (5-4) vs I’m thinking RBs (7-2)

Well, since the Packers aren’t playing and I don’t feel like writing about fantasy football right now, I’m going to tell you about my latest ingenious idea.  It came to me on Thursday when I was sitting in the library studying histology slides.  Now, the library at the medical school has projector screens set up in study rooms specifically for this purpose, which you can hook your laptop up to for a bigger, higher-quality image.  Up until this point, I had never taken advantage of this feature because to be honest, putting a million pictures of liver cells on a bigger screen doesn’t make me want to look at them any more.  However, I do have a subscription to NBA League Pass on my computer, and If there’s anything I love more than watching the Heat dominate on my laptop, it’s seeing LeBron, Wade, Bosh and Ray win in HD on a widescreen.  So for the next five days, in between diagramming gluconeogenesis pathways and memorizing the symptoms of mitochondrial diseases, I’ll be watching Dwyane’s World on the projector screen in Ebling Library.  Winning.

I’m thinking RBs by 34

No Names (5-4) vs Woodhead be considered cheating? (4-5)

Well, looks like the Wisconsin offense has continued its Jekyll and Hyde act in Indiana this week, bouncing back from an awful performance against Michigan State to dominate the Hoosiers (what the fuck is a Hoosier?).  All that’s left now is a home game against Ohio State and a road contest at Penn Rape to close out the regular season.  And all that stands between Ohio State and an undefeated season is a trip to Camp Randall next Saturday afternoon.  Either the Badgers will find a way to pull the upset and send Madison into a frenzy, or the Buckeyes will finish off the greatest season ever that didn’t count.  Either way, it’s gonna be a great day, especially since its the last home game of the season, which means its also the last hurrah for pregame parties and Stacon at 1206 Bowen.  Get here.

Woodhead be considered cheating? by 25

ABC – It’s Easy as RG3 (8-1) vs The Nation of Israel Idonije (1-8)

Son of a bitch.  Griffin and Jordy Nelson are finally on a bye week, and then the Colt’s defense goes ahead and rings up 25 points to give Dave a huge lead anyways.  Not only that, he’s playing the worst team in the league.  Bullshit.  This league is rigged.  I want my money back.

ABC – It’s Easy as RG3 by 23

Team Beaupre Jared Sucks (4-5) vs Red Hot Chodey Peppers (1-8)

Congratulations Nate Kalscheur, on becoming the first person in the league to be mathematically eliminated from playoff contention.

Team Beaupre Jared Sucks by 60

Stafford Infection (5-4) vs Mondolockdown (7-2)

Haha.  Touchdown Badgers.  That makes for seven (SEVEN!) rushing touchdowns on the day.  Also, we just broke the school record for rushing yards.  At Wisconsin.  Think about that for a minute.  I guess it helps that we’ve got a glorified running back under center.  I’m sure Urban Meyer and company are absolutely terrified right now.  Also, now that the Packers have passed up the Vikings in the NFC North standings, I’d like to point out that while the Badgers are going to win the Leaders division for the second season in a row, Minnesota has fallen to dead last in the Legends division with a pitiful 1-4 Big Ten record.  Can’t we kick them out of the conference and bring in Montana already?

Stafford Infection by 9

-       Does anyone else think it’s irritating that every big football stadium in the country is stealing Baltimore’s tradition of playing “Seven Nation Army” over the PA system when the home team is on defense?  I’m looking right at you, Michigan.

-       Election Update! Obama won.

-       This week’s picks are once again dedicated to me, because I’m awesome and you’re not.  That shit cray.

- Chode Out.