Chode Picks - Week 13

Here we go again. Welcome back to week 13 in the 6th season of Chode Picks, brought to you by Thunderbird Malt Liquor. It’s been a glorious week in the life of the Chode, for more than a few reasons. First and foremost, how ‘bout them Badgers? After sodomizing Penn State 45-7 last Saturday, Wisconsin clinched a spot in the first-ever Big Ten Championship Game in Indianapolis. Apparently I was wrong about Wisconsin’s offensive line, because they kicked the motherloving shit out of Penn State’s vaunted front seven last weekend as Montee Ball ran wild. Expect more of the same this weekend against Michigan State. I know the past two games between these teams have been close games resulting in Wisconsin losses, but I’m really expecting a Badger blowout this time around. At this point, the only thing stopping Ball from scoring six or seven times per game is Bielema’s sense of sportsmanship (no, seriously). So against the hated Spartans, I expect him to show no mercy and run up the score on those bastards from Lansing. Don’t let me down, Bret. Unfortunately, the Chode will not be able to make the trip to Indy for the game, due to an unfortunate scheduling conflict. Damn it. I guess I’ll just have to settle for two Packer games, five Badger games, and a possible repeat Rose Bowl trip. Woe is me. Anyways, it’s time to address a subject that I’ve been neglecting for most of the season: Wisconsin’s real Heisman candidate, Montee “Money” Ball. With all the hype about Russellmania this year, it was almost easy to overlook the fact that Ball has piled up 1870 yards and THIRTY FOUR touchdowns this season. And with that in mind it’s time for the Heisman voters to recognize that MONTEE BALL IS JUST AS GOOD OR BETTER THAN TRENT RICHARDSON! When you consider that Montee has had to share the ball with Russell Wilson and James White all year, it becomes even more obvious that MoneyBall is the most outstanding player in college football. If this guy doesn’t get the award, they should stop giving it away entirely. By the way, he’s about to break the single-season touchdown record of 39 held by some guy from Oklahoma State named Barry Sanders.

With that in mind, Montee please don’t bolt for the NFL. White isn’t ready to be the feature back yet, and we’re going to be breaking in a new QB next year. Wisconsin needs you.

In other college football news, it’s becoming more and more apparent that we’re headed for an Alabama-LSU rematch in the title game. This is bullshit. Alabama had their shot at LSU and failed. The game was even in Alabama. Time for the Saban and company to step aside and let somebody else have a shot at the Tigers. Oklahoma State? No, I’m sorry, but you don’t get to play for the championship if you lose to Iowa State. Stanford? Nope, you lost to Oregon by 23, and Oregon lost to LSU by 13. Therefore, LSU beats Stanford by 36, and that makes for a really boring national championship game. Virginia Tech? Please. Being the ACC champion is like being the smartest kid on the short bus. So that leaves only one logical candidate to play LSU for the title….

The HOUSTON COUGARS!!! That’s right. Champions of the powerhouse C-USA conference and owners of an unbeaten record, Case Keenum and company have demonstrated that they’re the only team up to the challenge of facing the soon-to-be SEC champs. Then we can all watch as Tyrann Mathieu literally tears Keenum’s limbs off, and the BCS pundits can all go home happy, knowing that their system has once again produced a clear, undisputed champion.

Quick tangent: if you don’t live in Alabama, don’t end your statements with “roll tide”. You sound like a moron. Thanks. 

In other college football news, congratulations to the Blue Mountain State Goats on defeating the Blackwell Raiders for the unofficial national championship yesterday. A special shout out goes to senior linebacker Thad Castle for scoring the game-winning touchdown (SPOILER ALERT!!). You’ll be missed, Thad. Enjoy your billion dollars. Damn, I’m going to miss that show.

Kenne, the next paragraph is about basketball (you know, that sport with all those athletic black dudes throwing an orange ball into a hoop), so you might want to skip it.

Another reason why this week was awesome: the NBA’s “nuclear winter” has been averted. On Saturday, the owners and players reached a tentative agreement on a new collective bargaining agreement that will allow the Miami Heat to win six to ten championships before the next lockout. The proposed new season starts on Christmas day with matchups between the Lakers and Bulls, Celtics and Knicks, and of course, Heat and Mavericks. Personally, I’m happy that Nowitzki and company will be receiving their championship rings right in front of LeBron. If that doesn’t motivate him to step up in the Finals this year, nothing will. Even if you don’t like watching the NBA, at least you can appreciate that this is another professional sport that Minnesota sucks at (sorry Sam, WNBA players aren’t professionals).

Anyways, it’s the last week of the fantasy season before the Sorry For Partying League playoffs begin. So there’s no excuse for any of you to slack off in setting your lineups this week. Let’s get to the Picks.

Chode’s All Stars (7-5) vs Donald Drivehers (11-1)

Remember what I said a second ago? That doesn’t apply to your team, Nate. You’ve already clinched the #1 seed, so you should absolutely bench your starters to rest them for the upcoming playoff run. All of them. Come on, don’t be a dick. It’s the least you can do. Otherwise, karma will bite you in the ass later. Trust me. Next topic.
Tebow, Tebow! TEBOW! TEBOW!! TEBOW!!! TEBOW!!! TEBOW!!!
“Virgin Air” struck again last week, as Timmy outdueled Philip Rivers and guided the surging Broncos to an overtime win over the Chargers last Sunday night. Tebow threw for a season-high nine completions in his fifth victory in the past six weeks. Despite all of the critics, media pressure, and the fact that most of the guys reading this have a better arm than the Broncos’ starting QB, the Tebow train continues to churn out victories. All he does is win. Don’t expect it to end anytime soon, since Denver takes on Minnesota this Sunday. Also, kudos to Denver fans for refusing to fold the tent and cheer for a better draft position rather than for victories this season (I’m looking at you, Colt and Viking fans). Cross your fingers, we just might be headed for a Packers-Broncos Super Bowl. Hold on, I need to clean out my pants.

Chode’s All Stars by 15

Mondolockdown (1-11) vs Walking a Fine Line (7-5)

Congratulations Mondlock, you somehow managed to eliminate yourself from playoff contention in a 12 team league, in spite of the fact that 10 teams make the playoffs. Your commitment to futility knows no boundaries. Also, I’m pretty sure you’re not going to read this, so suck my balls. You make playing fantasy football more boring that Tim Tebow’s sex life. Whatever. Free win for Dave.

Walking a Fine Line by 297

Team Beaupre (9-3) vs Rockin Out with my Big Black Lockout (6-6)

The Caleb Hanie Era began in spectacular fashion last Sunday, as Hanie threw three interceptions in a humiliating loss to the Oakland Raiders. I’m sorry Chigaco, but I really don’t think this is your year. Next year isn’t looking good either. Might as well cling to your memories of the ’85 Bears and ’96 Bulls. At least your city was home to the two greatest sports teams of all time, right? Whoops, I almost forgot about the undefeated, soon-to-be world champion 2011 Green Bay Packers. I know this isn’t easy to hear, but somebody has to say it: Aaron Rodgers is a better athlete than Michael Jordan was. You’re damn right, I just went there. And Mike McCarthy is a better coach than Mike Ditka or Phil Jackson. Boom. In summary, Chicago sucks. Have fun in the Little Caesars Bowl, Northwestern.

Team Beaupre by 19

No Names (8-4) vs I Plaxidentally Shot Myself (5-7)

First of all, kudos to Steve Johnson for having the balls to mock Plaxico by pretending to shoot himself in the leg after scoring. But damn it Steve, if you’re going to do something like that early in the game, you can’t drop the winning touchdown pass later on. And for the love of God, don’t try to defend yourself on Twitter by calling it a “miscommunication between a QB and his receiver”. The ball hit your hands. Both of them. Plus, you were wearing those sticky receiver gloves. You should be able to catch literally anything.

No Names by 84

Its on like Ndamukong (5-7) vs You’ve Been Fined (7-5)

God, I am an idiot. All week, I thought your team name was in reference to Ndamukong Suh’s fine and suspension this week. I just realized it’s about Bernie Fine, the Syracuse basketball coach who was fired this week after some of his former ballboys came forward and accused him of sexual assault. Now, I think it’s only fair to give Coach Fine the benefit of the doubt. After all, he may have just been attempting to show the boys some of his fine ball-handling skills after hours. Nice work, Kenne and Dave. I guess Catholic Priest has been replaced by Division 1 Athletic Coach as the new profession in demand for aspiring pedophiles.

You’ve Been Fined by 13

Weekend at Bernie’s (2-10) vs sucsex without honor (4-8)

….and the award for best team name this week goes to Boom. No question. By the way, I have not picked Will to win a game this year. I am not going to pick Will to win a game this year. I AM NOT PICKING WILL TO WIN A GAME THIS YEAR!

Weekend at Bernie’s by 800

A few more thoughts before we wrap it up this week:

Urban Meyer can kiss my firm, white ass. Enjoy moving from Florida to Ohio, idiot.

Erik Walden should be considered innocent until proven guilty, and even if he is proven guilty, the bitch probably had it coming anyways.

14 of the 21 NFL GMs that passed on Aaron Rodgers in the 2005 draft have since been fired.

Is it too early to buy champagne for Super Bowl XLVI? No. No it is not. Maybe Mercury Morris can lend me some.

MONTEE BALL FOR HEISMAN!

-Chode Out.

Chode Picks - Week 12

Happy Thanksgiving, league! Welcome to a very special holiday edition of the Chode Picks, brought to you by The Sports Jury. I hope you’re all enjoying some delicious turkey, ham, mashed potatoes, pumpkin pie and whatever else you can stuff your face with this afternoon. Personally, I decided to celebrate Thanksgiving in the traditional fashion this year by inviting all of my neighbors over for a feast, then killing them, taking their land and forcing their children onto reservations. I’m kidding of course. The truth is, my dear mother went to Arizona for the week, and between my dad, brother and myself, none of us can cook worth a damn. So my Thanksgiving dinner consisted of frozen pizza and a fifth of Fleischmann’s gin. Consider yourselves lucky. At least I have one thing to be thankful for…

That’s right, the record-setting, Lion-killing, undefeated Green Bay Packers! Eleven wins, zero losses. I hope you were all able to watch the curb stomping that the Pack put on Stafford and company today. For weeks, sports analysts had been pointing to this matchup as a likely “trap game” that would ruin Green Bay’s 19-0 season. Please. I’m sorry Detroit, you’re clearly one of the better teams in the NFL, and you have a bright future, but the Packers are in a league of their own. 11 down, 8 to go. If betting on sports wasn’t illegal, I’d probably put a small wager on the Pack to win next week, and then let my winnings ride on them every week until the Super Bowl. If they do run the table, a $10 bet right now would net you approximately $2000 in February. Thank me later.

Anyways, I hope you didn’t tune out the halftime show of the Packers/Lions game, since it’s probably one of the only chances you’ll get to see Nickelback, (the greatest rock band in the WHOLE DAMN WOOOOOORRRRRRLLLLLLLDDDDDDDDDDDDD) live for free. I know a lot of people in Detroit weren’t happy about having a Canadian band play in Motown, but that’s probably because they’re either douchebags or they recognize that their city isn’t worthy of Nickelback. In fact, between the Packers and Nickelback, I’m surprised that Ford Field was able to contain that amount of awesomeness under one roof. In contrast, I just got done watching Enrique Iglesias and Pit Bull perform without autotune at the Cowboys/Dolphins game, and I don’t think they could have done a worse job lip-synching shitty pop songs if they had tried.

Speaking of people who are terrible at their jobs, Troy Aikman and Joe Buck. I don’t think I need to say anything else.

On a completely opposite note, shout out to Justin Verlander for becoming the first pitcher to win a Cy Young and MVP award since Roger Clemens in the 1980s. After carrying the Tigers to the brink of the World Series, he deserves them both. Also, shout out to Ryan Braun for taking the NL MVP award. Having Braun and Rodgers in the same state really isn’t fair to the rest of the country. And I’ve said this before, but I think Braun could play receiver in the NFL if he wanted to. He’d be like a shorter, slower version of Jordy Nelson. Or Wes Welker with better facial hair. By the way, it’s only a matter of time before Jordy takes the title of “best white receiver” from Welker.

Alright. Enough bullshit. Let’s get to the picks:

Chode’s All Stars (7-4) vs Givin it to the Tate (6-5)

Son of a bitch. Fred Jackson, out for the rest of the season with a broken leg. If you’re scoring at home, that’s the fourth star player I’ve lost to a long-term injury this season. First Peyton Manning (yes, drafting him in the 4th round was stupid, but shut up, I’ve got 7 wins), then Andre Johnson and Darren McFadden, and now Jackson, who was arguably the best player in fantasy through the first 12 weeks. Luckily, I was smarter than all of you and picked up DeMarco Murray a few weeks ago. Next man up, and the Chode scoring machine just keeps rolling along. Just like last year’s Packers. Hey speaking of injuries…

Chode’s All Stars by 3.00x10^8

Team Beaupre (8-3) vs From SanDUSKy til DAWN (7-4)

Christmas came early last Sunday when Jay “handle with care” Cutler and Adrian “I’ve never finished a full season healthy” Peterson both suffered possible season-ending injuries. Welcome back, Caleb Hanie. We’ve missed you. Remember when you threw a touchdown pass to B.J. Raji? That was awesome. See if you can hit Woodson next time. I honestly feel a little bit bad for Peterson, since we won’t have to face him again this season and he’s probably tired from carrying the Vikings’ offense all year. Poor Viking fans. Don’t worry, I’m sure some day Christian Ponder will bring a championship to the L.A. Vikings, and then you can all go jump off of a tall building together. Bears fans however, are a different story. You brought this on yourselves. Do you hear me, Michael? You had every chance to defect to the good side, but you turned it down. You brought this on yourself. Also, I swear to God, if Favre comes back to play for the Bears, I’m going to kill everyone. By the way, well done Dave. I’m glad to see that the creativity from the House That Jack Built wasn’t just a flash in the pan.

From SanDUSKy til DAWN by 6.02x10^23

Its on like Ndamukong (4-7) vs ‘Dusky’s Daycare (2-8)

Bahahahaha. You stay classy, Ndamukong. I’m sorry that Evan Diedrich-Smith was making you look like a little girl, but I don’t think that anyone is buying your “I stomped on his arm because I was about to fall over” excuse. Especially since you were apparently trying to give Diedrich-Smith a noogie before you realized that he was wearing a helmet and couldn’t feel it. Hopefully Goodell will let you play again in week 17 when we knock you out of playoff contention. I find Suh’s behavior strange, since he always seemed like a class act when he was playing at Nebraska, but it seems like he’s really let out his dark side since joining the Lions. My esteemed colleague Jon Heimler has an idea about what’s gotten into Suh: steroids. Really doesn’t seem too far-fetched to me, but I also think that living in Detroit could bring out the worst in anyone. Check out the second link below for my personal tribute to the armpit of the Midwest this week.

‘Dusky’s Daycare by 96485.3365

rockoutwithmyblacklockout (5-6) vs I Plaxidentally Shot Myself (5-6)

YEAH!That’srightmuscles,wedon’tneednodamnspaces! Seriously, if you hit the character limit, just remove the word “black”. There are white dudes in the NBA too. Yeah I know, they’re mostly European, but that also means they have other teams to play for right now while the American players are sitting on their rich asses. Luckily, the players and owners made their way back to the negotiating tables yesterday, in the hope that they can salvage the season and start before Christmas Day. Cross your fingers. Unless you’re like most other Americans and don’t give a damn about the NBA. Then you probably should have skipped this paragraph. Too late now. And if we do lose the season, well then I’ll root for whatever team Dwyane Wade plays for overseas. But I’m going to get really effing sick of watching hockey highlights on sportscenter after the NFL season ends. Come on Stern and Hunter, get your shit together!

rockoutwithmyblacklockout by 6.626x10^-34

Random thought: the girl in the new State Farm commercial is way too hot for her husband. Discount Doublecheck!

Donald Drivehers (10-1) vs sucsex without honor (4-7)

You probably thought I was done writing about Aaron Rodgers for the week. Wrong. Believe it or not, today’s performance against the Lions actually lowered his average QB rating on the season. That’s right, 300 yards, 2 touchdowns and no interceptions is a below-average outing for A-Rod. I know I’ve said this before, but if there’s anything to be thankful for today, it’s the fact that we’re getting to watch the greatest single season a quarterback has ever put together. This man is going to carry the Packers to a 19-0 season despite a mediocre defense and a nonexistent running game. Move over LeBron, you’re no longer the best athlete on the planet. The Rodgers dynasty has begun. We are all witnesses (quick, somebody put that on Twitter and print up some t-shirts).

Donald Drivehers by 22.4

Mondolockdown (1-10) vs No Names (7-4)

Ah, Menomonie. It was good to be back in this country town for a few days. I’m not sure how I survived here 18 years, but we had some good times. It’s about time for me to head back to Madison though, because there’s no way in hell I’m missing the Penn Rape game on Saturday. Athletic director Barry Alvarez has asked the UW students to treat the Penn Rape coaches and players with dignity and respect at the game tomorrow. Uh, yeah. Right. We’ll show them about as much respect as Jerry Sandusky showed for the innocence of youth (Yes, I’m going to keep making Penn State sodomy jokes for the rest of the season. Deal with it.) And we’re going to keep doing the eat shit/fuck you chant, no matter how many times you tell us to stop. Go ahead and boo all you want parents, but our generation has never killed a fan by throwing them over the top of the stadium wall or crushed a person against the railings. Yeah, both of those things really happened in the 80’s and 90’s. But apparently shouting a few obscenities is way, way worse. At least according to the UW athletic department. I’m rambling again, sorry. Anyways, the game against the Nittany Lions is a make-or-break situation for the Badgers. A win will give us the chance to make it back to the Rose Bowl and atone for our two atrocious losses earlier in the season, while a loss will send us tumbling down the rakings towards the Outback Bowl, or worse. Honestly, I think this game will be won (or lost) on the arm of Russell Wilson. As good as Penn Rape’s defensive line and linebackers have been this season, I think they’ll be able to contain Wisconsin’s running game since two of our starting linemen are out. That leaves the burden on Wilson and his receivers to outscore the Nittany Lions. Come on, Russell. After making us believe that we could play for a national title earlier in the year, the least you can do is bring us back to Pasadena. 

Shout out to the North Dakota Heathens for claiming a share of their first Great West conference title ever. The Tomahawks will share the title with Cal Poly, meaning that two of the five teams in the Great West conference can call themselves champions for the 2011 season. That’s almost half. Once again, congratulations. CREVICE FOR LIFE!

If you’re a fan of Penn State (or Kobe), you’re a fan of rape.

Did you know Usher is a Packer fan? You do now.

There. I made it through an entire edition without writing about Tebow. Are you happy now, Rettler and Sawle? Don’t get used to it.

- Chode Out.

Chode Picks – Week 11

And we’re back. Welcome to the 11th edition of the extraordinary 6th season of the Chode Picks, brought to you by Duck Sauce. I apologize for not getting the picks out on Thursday afternoon like usual, but I just got done pulling a Sandusky on my analytical chemistry exam and didn’t have time to prepare a whole lot for the Picks. We’ll make it work.

It was a great week to be a football fan in Wisconsin, as both the Wisconsin Badgers and Green Bay Packers pounded the living hell out of their Minnesotan counterparts. As previously mentioned, the Chode was in attendance at the Monday Night Football matchup between the Packers and the Vikings. To sum it up briefly: it was AWESOME. A lot of fans hope for a close contest when they go to a game, but personally, I’d rather see the Packers beat the piss out of whoever is foolish enough to walk into Lambeau Field. Up until this week, the Packers hadn’t played a full on, start to finish kick-ass game yet this season. We finally saw what the Green Bay Packers are capable, and it couldn’t have come at a better time than on national TV against the Vikings. Sitting in the north end zone and watching Randall Cobb return his first punt 80 yards for a score was one of the best fan moments I’ve ever experienced. (I’ll forgive his fumble, even if it cost us a shutout. Rookie mistake.) Even after the game was decided sometime in the second quarter, the Lambeau faithful still made life miserable for the Vikings’ offense and erupted with every Packer touchdown. Also, Matt “Matty Ice” Flynn made the Chode look like a prophet by accomplishing more in one fourth-quarter possession than Christian Ponder did all game. If you’re not a believer yet, you will be when McCarthy sits Rodgers for the last two games of the season and Flynn tears apart Chicago and Detroit to cap off a 16-0 season. Also, it was nice to see the defense play to their potential for the first time all season. As for Aaron Rodgers, I’m running out of superlatives. The English language doesn’t have words strong enough to describe the level of awesomeness that radiates from no. 12 when he steps onto a football field. Men wish they could be him, women wish they could be with him, and 10 year old Viking fans weep with the realization that they will never, ever get to cheer for an athlete like him (see the second link below).

In all the excitement over the Green and Gold, it’s almost easy to forget the other half of Wisconsin domination this weekend: the Badger football team. With a 42-13 victory over the Minnesota Golden Gophers on Saturday, the Badgers asserted themselves as the team to beat in the Big 10 Leaders (ugh) Division. With both Penn Rape and Ohio State losing on the same day, Wisconsin now controls its own destiny in the Big Ten title race. If (when) we win out, we will earn a trip to Pasadena once again. More importantly, the dual football victories, added to the Brewers’ regular season sweep of the Twins allows the state of Wisconsin to declare TOTAL VICTORY over the state of Minnesota until next fall. Gophuck yourselves, Minnesota. Fuck your Vikings, fuck your Twins, fuck your Timberwolves, fuck your Golden Gophers, and fuck your 10,000 lakes. That’s 8 years in a row we’ve had the Axe. And let’s be honest; the Vikings will relocate before they win a Super Bowl. Just go ahead and secede to Canada already. You won’t be missed.

Another thing I noticed on Monday night: nobody believes in the Green Bay Packers like Vikings fans do. It seemed like every fan dressed in purple and gold had already resigned themselves to defeat before they entered the stadium. This inferiority complex is undoubtedly a product of watching the Packers claim 4 Super Bowl titles since 1960, while the Vikings have repeatedly let them down on the biggest stage. Also, I think it’s pretty clear at this point that James Starks is a better player then Adrian Pedestrian. Despite sharing the ball with Ryan Grant, Starks outgained Peterson on fewer carries. It was even more obvious in person that AP is past his prime, while Starks is just entering his.

Shit, I’m over 4,000 characters already, and we haven’t even gotten to the Picks.

Montee Ball for Heisman.

Chode’s All Stars (6-4) vs Chode’s Shortcomings (7-3)

Good joke, Dave. The Chode has no shortcomings. At least that’s what your mother told me last night. You’re welcome. Speaking of shortcomings, Jim Caldwell. I’m not sure which is more certain this year: the Packers going 19-0 or the Colts going 0-16. We could be simultaneously witnessing the greatest and worst football teams in the history of the NFL, and for that we should all be grateful. By the way, soon-to-be Colt Andrew Luck looked strangely human last week as the Oregon Ducks destroyed the Stanford Cardinal. I’m not going to say that I told you so (even though I totally did), but this guy may not be worth throwing an entire season after all. Also, I can’t wait to watch the Badgers play the Ducks in the Rose Bowl, especially since both offenses could score on most NFL teams. It’s the matchup I’ve been waiting to see for almost two years. Don’t kid yourself Oregon, you’re not passing Alabama for the #2 spot. See you in Pasadena.

Chode’s All Stars by 41 

Givin it to the Tate (6-4) vs No Names (6-4)

Not bad, Kenne. I appreciate that you made the effort to change your team name before I started writing the Picks on Thursday. But I have nothing to say about either of your teams, because they’re both 6-4, and 6-4 is boring. So instead, I’m going to tell you about the fantastic stroke of luck that I’ve been bestowed with. You see, not only was I fortunate enough to go to the Monday Night game this past week, I also have a ticket to this week’s game on Sunday against the Buccaneers. If you’re scoring at home, that means that I’m going to get to witness two of the Packers’ 19 wins in person this season. I can literally feel your jealousy bleeding through my computer screen. And someday, when I launch my dual professional career as a physician/sportswriter, I’ll go to all 16 of them. That’s why you all need to add more members to the Chode Picks. So I can get famous and go to Packer games for free. Stanton set up a Twitter account for the Picks this week, but I unfortunately don’t have a smart phone, so I have no idea what the hell I’m going to do with it. So I decided to turn it over to you guys. The username is: chodepicks and the password is: clamchoder. Go ahead and do whatever the hell you want with it. Thanks in advance.

Givin it to the Tate by 14

Its on like Ndamukong (4-6) vs Team Beaupre (7-3)

Eric. You have lost six (six!) games in a row, after starting 4-0. Your season is falling apart faster than the Detroit Lions’. Pull your shit together. It might be tough against Team Beaupre this week, but I expect you to at least give him a hell of a game. If you have time to write 10 tweets a day, you have time to set your fantasy lineup. This league will fall apart if people stop giving a shit about their teams. 

Team Beaupre by 7



Oh my goodness. I just watched the Jets-Broncos highlights. TEEEEEEEEBOOOOOOOWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!! Awesome. Fearless Tim is now 4-1 as a starter this season. Wrap your minds around that. He’s on pace to bring Denver their first division title since the Elway era. Apparently the Denver fans knew something that John Fox didn’t. And you have to admit, watching option football in the NFL is fun. At this point, you could even make a convincing case for Tebow being the MVP runner-up to Aaron Rodgers. He has completely changed the losing culture in Denver in just over a month. Even their defense is playing better. I can’t explain it. I don’t think he can either. New York Jets, you have been Tebowned.

Donald Drivehers (9-1) vs Mondolockdown (1-9)

Well, since we all know who’s going to win this game, lets have a moment of silence for the lost NBA season. Congratulations Billy Hunter, you’re in the lead for Chode’s annual Douche of the Year award. You had a chance to salvage the NBA season, but you decided to turn it down in favor of a long-drawn out court battle instead. Way to go, jackass. What the hell am I going to watch after the NFL season is over? The sad truth is, the owners and players had come so close to a deal, just to have negotiations break down over a few trivial issues, and now an entire season is going to be lost, along with billions of dollars of revenue and tens of thousands of jobs generated by professional basketball. This was the equivalent of a football team driving from the shadow of their own end zone all the way to the opponents 2-yard line, and then kneeling down four times and turning the ball over. Thanks for wrecking my winter and spring. To be completely honest, I think that this whole ordeal is probably just be an elaborate conspiracy to keep LeBron from winning a title. Or at least that’s what I’ve been telling myself. Damn it. All I wanted was an exciting basketball team to watch, because the Badgers and Bucks are both as exciting as watching paint dry, or in the immortal words of Kenne Koehler “like watching another guy jerk off”. Well said.

Donald Drivehers by 60

Sucsex without honor (3-7) vs A-Rod in Wisconsin’s Pants (5-5)

Shout out to the North Dakota Chiefs for defeating rival UC-Davis 14-7 last week. Double shout out to the Chode Picks’ own Jon Heimler for scoring the game-winning touchdown in the 4th quarter. I’m sure it was really difficult to catch a pass against defensive backs that apparently couldn’t play for Stanford, USC, UCLA, Cal, San Diego State, Fresno State, San Jose State, or Cal Poly. With a win against South Dakota this week and a with a Cal Poly loss to Southern Alabama, North Dakota will clinch their first Great West Conference title since forever. On a sadder note, the Menomonie Mustangs lost their state semifinal game against Waunakee, 19-21 last Saturday night. Once again, Menomonie’s lack of a reliable kicking game came back to bite them in the ass. The Chode would like to extend his sincerest condolences to the 2011 Menomonie football team. However, you’ll soon learn that there is life after high school football. As you go off to college, you’ll realize that the guys that brag about winning a state championship in high school are generally douchebags, and not the kind of people you want to be around. And honestly, if winning in high school football ends up being the greatest thing you accomplish in life, well then you seriously fucked up. Trust me, losing that game will make you better off in the long run. Also, now you get to drink without feeling guilty about it.

A-Rod in Wisconsin’s Pants by 12

‘Dusky’s Daycare (2-8) vs I Plaxidentally Shot Myself (4-6)

A bit dated Dan, but not bad. Unfortunately for you, Mark Sanchez royally screwed your fantasy team tonight. That reminds me: who the hell thought that putting a Sanchez-Tebow matchup on prime time TV was a good idea? One is a complete football moron and doesn’t care, while the other has absolutely no throwing ability. Of all the quarterback pairings the NFL could have picked to foster a high-scoring, entertaining game, this is the best they could do? Really? Just think how awful it would have been if Kyle Orton was still starting for Denver. That brings me to another startling realization: every single quarterback that comes out of Chicago’s offense is fucking terrible. Think about it. Cade McNown, Rex Grossman, Jim Miller, Shane Matthews, Craig Krenzel, Kyle Orton and now Jay Cutler. Just call it the quarterback carousel from hell.

I Plaxidentally Shot Myself by 8

I’d like to extend a warm welcome to all of the new members added over the past couple of weeks. I hope you’re enjoying the Chode Picks. If not, piss off. I spend a lot of time on these.

Well there you have it. The longest edition of Chode Picks in my six years of writing them. Now, prepare to have your minds blown by the Big Bad Wolf.

-Chode Out.

Chode Picks – Week 10

What’s up, league? Prepare to be delighted by week 10 of the Chode Picks, brought to you by the Second Mile foundation. We’ve got a lot to cover this week, and I’m probably going to run over the character limit again, so let’s get started. First up:

WE ARE… PENN RAPE!
Honestly, when shit like this happens, the Chode Picks pretty much write themselves, so I’d like to thank Paterno and the rest of the gang in Happy Valley for making my job easier this week. In case you’ve been living under a rock for the past week, I’ll fill you in. Joe Paterno (yes, THE Joe Paterno) got busted for raping little boys in the shower*, then last night was dismissed as head football coach. Following the university’s announcement, all hell broke loose on the Penn State campus, as students rioted, turned over cars and tore down lamp posts in support of the disgraced football coach-turned pedophile. The Chode would like to commend the Penn State student body for raising the bar in terms of Big Ten disorganized violence. I really thought that Wisconsin had laid claim to the title of “craziest school in the conference” with the stabbings on last year’s Mifflin Street Block Party, but alas, we have been outdone a mere 6 months later by the Nittany Lions. Challenge accepted, PSU. 

If you had told me at the start of the season that a Big Ten football coach was going to be involved in a sex scandal, and had asked me to pick who, Paterno would have been the last pick by a mile. Honestly, if I found out tomorrow that Bret Bielema, Bo Pelini, Mark Dantonio or Brady Hoke was under investigation for sex with a minor, I wouldn’t doubt it for a second (I know a story about Bielema, but luckily it involves an 18-year old girl rather than a 10-year old boy).

Anyways, this couldn’t come at a better time for the Badgers, who need Penn State to lose once over the next two weeks, and then need to beat the Nittany Lions at home to go to the Big Ten Championship game. I can’t wait to hear the chants directed at the Penn State sideline during that game.

By the way, I want to thank all of you that changed your team names to reference the scandal. It was the biggest story of the year, and you guys nailed it. Well done. Although I think I had the best idea that went unused. I was going to name my team after Jerry Sandusky’s autobiography, which is titled “Touched: the Jerry Sandusky Story”. I wish I was making that up.

*Paterno, Sandusky, same difference

Next topic. You should know what’s coming by now:

TEBOW!!! 
Last week the “worst quarterback ever” ran his record as a starter to 3-2, which is remarkable considering how awful his supporting cast is. This guy might have a future as a quarterback after all. Either that or he’s pulling a Favre by alternating good performances with terrible ones just to stay in the national spotlight. Well done, Timmy. I expect Tebow and the Broncos’ option attack to run all over the Chiefs this week.

Shout out to all of the Packer fans who made the trip to San Diego last Sunday. Seriously, the stadium was almost half-full of the Green and Gold faithful. At one point in the fourth quarter, the Chargers were forced to go to a silent count on offense because the Packer fans were making too much noise. Just call it Lambeau West. And shout out to Aaron Rodgers for rewarding them with yet another near-flawless performance. The defense will catch up eventually. Even if they don’t we can count on our secondary to bail us out because CHARLIE PEPRAH IS A MAN AND WILL SHAKE YOUR HAND FIRMLY. 

No Shave November. Its on. 500 Chode Points to anyone who lasts the entire month. I’m ten days in and I feel like my face is being raped by Chewbacca.

Chode’s All Stars (6-3) vs No Names (5-4)

Booyah. Three wins in a row for Chode’s All Stars. Time to make it four. By the way, this is a special week because not only do we get a chance to witness the Packers take down the Vikings on Monday night, but we’ll also see the Badgers beat the living hell out of the Gophers in Minneapolis. On top of that, one of my friends was dumb enough to make the following bet with me: If the Packers win, he paints a Packer logo on his chest and goes to the bars shirtless. If the Vikings win, I do the same with a Viking logo. Please. Too easy. Also, I give it less than five years before the Vikings move to Los Angeles and the state of Wisconsin declares total victory over Minnesota. Welcome to Packer country, assholes. See the second link below for further proof.

Chodes All Stars by 20
Packers by 17
Badgers by 31

A-Rod in Wisconsin’s Pants (4-5) vs ‘Dusky’s Daycare (2-7)

My apologies, Boom. I’ve been mistakenly referring to you as Kevin for the past 9 weeks. I feel your pain, as there are people who sometimes call me Alex rather than Chode. I have no damn idea who Alex is, but he must be a handsome son of a bitch if people think that we’re the same person. If it makes you feel any better, you’re holding the title for “best fantasy team name” in 2011. Keep up the good work. Unfortunately, your team still sucks, and you’re about to get bent over like a 4th grader in the Penn State locker room.

A-Rod in Wisconsin’s Pants by 42

Justin Forsett Down Her Throat (4-5) vs Pennis Island (5-4)

Man, this is bad. It’s getting to the point where I don’t want to check my fantasy team in public because the team names in the league are so embarrassingly inappropriate. Well, I guess that’s the rest of society’s problem, not mine. Speaking of problems in society, Kim Kardashian filed her divorce papers this week. Shocker. I’ve had one-night stands that lasted longer than her marriage. On the bright side, now NBA players will have something to do during the lockout. Speaking of the lockout, I really think they’re getting close to a deal. Both sides are finally pulling their heads out of their asses and realizing that the percentage points that they’re fighting over are tiny compared to the cost of a lost season. We’ll be watching NBA basketball by Christmas, and watching LeBron win his first of seven* titles in June.

*three

Justin Forsett Down Her Throat by 4

Team Beaupre (7-2) vs Donald Drivehers (8-1)

Booooooo, good fantasy football teams. And screw you for rejecting my generous trade offers, Nate. Eli is better than Brees. Eli is better than Peyton. Eli is the next Joe Namath. Eli Manning will floss with your soul. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. The winner of this game lays claim to the Midseason Championship, and gets 200 Chode Points. And the winner of the Detroit-Chicago game on Sunday lays claim to the title of “third-worst team in the NFC North”. Wear it proudly, Detroit. 

Team Beaupre by 5.7
Detroit by 7

Mondolockdown (1-8) vs sucsex without honor (2-7)

Let’s be honest: nobody cares who wins this game. Moving on.

From Penn State to State Pen (6-3) vs Its on like Ndamukong (4-5)

Holy shit Dave, that is an awesome picture. Solid team, too. Eric, on the other hand, has fallen off a cliff after starting the season 4-0. I don’t think I could lose 5 games in a row if I tried, but congrats, dude. Also, congrats to the Menomonie Mustangs for kicking Marshfield’s ass to advance to the state semifinals against #1 ranked Waunakee. If (when) Menomonie advances to the state finals in Madison, the Chode will be covering the game. I’ve been waiting for this for a while James, don’t screw it up. Give ‘em hell. One last piece of advice: KNOCK THE EFFING BALL DOWN!

From Penn State to State Pen by 19
Menomonie by 14

BONUS PICKS!!!

Stanford (8-0) vs Oregon (7-1)

The last time I picked against Andrew Luck, he tore apart Virginia Tech in the Orange Bowl and made me look like an idiot. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on you again, dick. I love my ducks.

Oregon by 3

NBA Owners (1-0) vs NBA Players (0-1)

You’ve already won, Stern. Don’t hang on the rim. Just take the 50-50 split with luxury tax exceptions and lets play some damn basketball.

NBA Owners by $266,000,000

I almost forgot to mention, the Chode will be at Lambeau Field on Monday night to cover the Packer game. Apparently, the Chode Picks are big enough that I can apply for a press pass and get into NFL games for free. That’s a lie. Truthfully, one of my roommates won two free tickets in a raffle at a bar last night. The lesson from this? Going to a bar on Wednesday night doesn’t make you an alcoholic, it makes you a shrewd consumer. Take notes, fellas.

Congratulations to the North Dakota Redmen for defeating Sioux Falls, 15-13 last week.

I’m thinking about getting a Twitter account for the Chode Picks. I’d like to expand my brand a bit. The only problem is, I don’t know what Twitter is, or how to use it. Help would be appreciated.

Random question: who’s uglier, Jay Cutler or Ben Roethlisberger?

Another random question: If an older woman who goes after young guys is called a cougar, what do you call an old man who goes after young boys?
A Nittany Lion.

-Chode Out.