Chode Picks – Week 7 of glorious football campaign in which the Wisconsin Badgers will win the Taxslayer.com/Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl

Some plays you remember forever. Whether it’s because it sealed a championship, vaulted your team into the playoffs, or something simpler like winning a bet or just being so ridiculously spectacular, those are the plays where you’ll always know exactly where you were, what you were wearing and who was around you when they happened. They’re the moments that make you take a second, smile and think to yourself, “God, I love sports”.

Enter the mighty Aaron Rodgers, slayer of dreams and kicker of ass. Those poor Dolphins. They actually thought they had the win. But with two minutes left, no timeouts and Aaron getting the ball at our own 40-yard line down by four points, the game was already decided. The last two minutes were a thrilling formality, with Rodgers scrambling, drilling well-covered receivers and punching all of South Florida squarely in the dick. I haven’t seen a bunch of marine mammals abused that badly since Blackfish. Credit to Andrew “God’s Gift” Quarless for running a decent route and hanging on to the laser beam that struck him in the sternum for the winning score. And yes, Quarless actually has “God’s Gift” tattooed on his triceps. You would think he’d be able to make those plays more often. Regardless, I’m now fully confident that we’ll end up winning the division by one game and that Miami will miss the playoffs by the same margin. That’s how these things work.

Also, the Badgers held on to beat Illinois, so that’s cool too, I guess. When I got to the game in the 1st quarter, the score was 14-7, Illinois. When I left after jump around (don’t judge me, I don’t owe anything to this particular team), it was 38-14 Wisconsin. In case you suck at math, that means we went on a 31-0 run while I was in the stadium. Also, both of our losses occurred when I wasn’t in attendance. Clearly Barry Alvarez should fly me to every game. Might as well get me a field pass too, just to be safe. It’s the least he could do after passing me up for the head coaching job two years ago. Also, if you guys are interested I’ll post the resume I send to the athletic department in 2012. It was impressive, to say the least. We would have beaten Northwestern at least. Whatever. Their loss was Madison’s gain, because now I’m doing pap smears and diagnosing little kids with asthma instead! I’m not bitter, I swear. Also, in case you’re colorblind and haven’t noticed, October is breast cancer awareness month. So go find your favorite medical student and get a breast exam, ladies. Wow, that looks a lot creepier in print than it sounded in my head. WHATEVER! ON TO THE PICKS!!

WORLD SERIES: SAN FRANCISCO GIANTS vs KANSAS CITY ROYALS

Suck it, St. Louis. I’d rather miss the playoffs than lose in the NLCS. That’s a lie. But I still hope this hurts them dearly. For years, Cardinal fans have been pretending to be the Packer fans of baseball, and that makes me downright furious. And despite Kenne Koehler’s delusional opinion to the contrary, Budweiser still sucks. It’s made with rice. RICE. BEER MADE FROM RICE. THAT’S DISGUSTING. I would rather fellate a hot curling iron than drink a case of Bud. Go. Royals (jet planes, islands, tigers on a gold leash). I’m drunk.

Kansas City in four.

WISCONSIN BADGERS (4-2) vs BYE WEEK (0-0)

Probably not the greatest matchup for Melvin Gordon’s Heisman campaign, but then again neither is losing twice in six games. The good news is, it gives Stave an extra week to quietly meditate and read self-help books before we have to play a Maryland team that just knocked off Iowa and is absolutely capable of coming to Camp Randall and handing us our first home loss of the season next Saturday. Five points for every Maryland-related insult you can come up with in the comments this week. Ten for the best one as judged by the editorial committee of me. Speaking of points, time to hand some out for those of you who picked out the lies in last week’s edition:

Believe it or not, I don’t drive a Bugatti (Ryan Bade)
Lawrence Taylor won the MVP 28 years ago, not 30 (Bade and Dan Jensen)
I don’t have corporate sponsorship (Corey Munden)
I went to the BP with every intention of buying beer (Dustin Baldwin)
As for the Ebola numbers, I got them from CDC estimates so I don’t consider them lies. But since I’m assuming Zach Niemeyer had an equally reputable source, I’ll give him five points total for the effort.

So that leaves us with the following totals:

Ben Steyer and Dustin Baldwin: 15 points
Ryan Bade: 10 points
Dan Jensen, Corey Munden and Zach Niemeyer: 5 points
Ben King: One measly, pathetic point

WISCONSIN by default

CAROLINA PANTHERS (3-2-1) at GREEN BAY PACKERS (4-2)

Fascinating quarterback duel here, as we get to see alternating drives between Aaron Rodgers slicing up the Panthers’ shitty secondary and Cam Newton sprinting through our porous run defense. Also, Sam Shields is out so this game could be uncomfortably close. But hopefully Clay and Julius can put enough pressure on Scam to force a few ill-advised throws in the direction of Ha’Sean Clinton-Dix, who is having a fantastic rookie season. I think the Bears might end up regretting passing on him last June. Because for the next decade or so, It’s gonna be really hard for anyone in the league to pass on Dix. His ability to lay the wood in the secondary and penetrate holes in the backfield is unmatched. Dick jokes aside though, I think we run the winning streak to 4 tomorrow.

GREEN BAY by 7

SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (4-2) at DENVER BRONCOS (4-1)

In case you haven’t watched ESPN all week, Peyton Manning is two scores short of tying Brett Favre’s record for career touchdown passes. I think he’ll pass the mark tomorrow, and that’s the only reason I’m watching this game. Actually, I’ll be kinda pissed if he doesn’t break it because next week because I might not catch the Broncos’ next game on Thursday night. Stupid exams. Regardless, I think Brett’s interception record at least is safe for the next decade, even with the lesser Manning and Tony Romo catching up at an alarming rate.

DENVER by 10

Alright, time to call it quits for this week. I’ll leave you with a moderately offensive joke.

What did the feminist get her family for Christmas?

A bigger litter box and a scratching post.

Meow.

Also, check out this week’s video. Yes, that’s a man who dressed up a shovel with a mask and a coat actively taunting a hidden sniper. And no, they’re not Al-Qaeda. Some other, less important war over in the middle east. Brass balls.

- Chode Out.

Chode Picks – Sixth week of glorious 2014 NFL season in which the Green Bay Packers will win an unprecedented 14th NFL championship

Brought to you by Stevens Point Brewery, because I figure at this point I should just tell you up front what I’m drinking for inspiration instead of trying to find a clever way to work it in later on.  Truth is, I was strolling through the BP lounge yesterday while the attendant filled my Bugatti with gas outside, with no intention of buying an alcoholic beverage, when I happened to notice a lonely, discounted Summer Sampler pack of Point beer sitting on the shelves.  And at the reasonable price of plastic, I just couldn’t bear to let it sit unattended for another three months.  So I adopted twelve new friends, and I have to say, I wish I had given it a try sooner.  It’s like Leinenkugel’s, only much better tasting and not owned by a bunch of Belgian communists.
Anyways, It was a glorious week for the Chode, as both of my fantasy teams whipped their opponents into the corner of an elevator while the Green Bay Packers put on a masterful display against that semi-pro team from Minnesota and the Badgers… well, let’s just agree to pretend that Northwestern doesn’t exist for a week.  Thanks Obama. On to real football.

GREEN BAY PACKERS (3-2) at MIAMI DOLPHINS (2-2)

One Chode Point to anyone who attends this game.  You’re welcome, King.  Now I realize that the Dolphins have a considerable advantage playing at home after a bye week in the 85-degree weather of South Beach, but I think the Aaron Rodgers vs Ryan Tannehill contrast is more than enough to compensate.  Besides, everyone in Miami will be too busy watching Miami Heat preseason games in our quest to be the first team in NBA history to win five consecutive conference championships.  Also, we’re scrimmaging the Cavaliers in Brazil this weekend.  ESPN is having a huge shit about it.  Something about a marginal player that left the best team in the league to go play for the sewage dump known as Cleveland, Ohio.  I wish I could remember his name.  Anyways, expect Chris Bosh to kick off his MVP campaign by dropping 40 on those sorry sacks of poop. 

MIAMI HEAT by 6

And I suppose the Packers will notch win 4 of 14 this week as well.  Yawn.

GREEN BAY by 10

ILLINOIS FIGHTING REDSKINS (3-3) at WISCONSIN BADGERS (3-2)

STAH-VE!!  STAH-VE!! STAH-VE!!  That was the cheer that erupted from Chasers Bar and Grille in Madison as the blonde bomber led us back from a 10-point halftime deficit against those snobs from Evanston.  Never mind the three interceptions he threw, it was a startling change of pace to see less than nine guys stacked in the box, allowing Gordon to run free through the secondary.  Coach Andersen wisely took my advice from last week’s edition, taking a few (accurate) shots down the field for the first time since last season.  Word on the street is that he’s planning on using a two-quarterback system from here on out, and I think someday in the near future we’ll look back on that loss as the turning point that launched us to the Big Ten title game (where of course, we’ll lose in spectacular fashion to Michigan State).  But regardless of who’s under center this week, it shouldn’t make much of a difference against Illinois as long as he sticks to the game plan of “turn around and hand off to #25”.  The Injuns let up 349 rushing yards against Purdue last week, for God’s sake.  Three-hundred and forty-nine.  Yikes.  If we find a way to lose this game, I’m selling my student tickets and drinking my sorrows away on Saturday afternoons instead.  Hey, speaking of college football…

WISCONSIN by 31

SUPERSTAR RUNNING BACKS (0-3) vs RULES OF SOCIETY (0-3)

Damn it, Todd Gurley.  I spent five weeks building you up for the Heisman, and then you go and get suspended for selling autographs like some amateur bitch.  It’s not like you could have waited until June to sign a multi-million dollar contract or anything.  Any day now, we’ll find out that Ameer Abdullah is a coke dealer, or keeps orphans locked in his basement, or is planning to assassinate the president while dealing coke to the orphans locked in his basement.  Woah, that one got away from me.  Sorry, NSA.  Better wrap this paragraph up quick.

RULES OF SOCIETY by 900

Before I forget, it would be irresponsible of me not to warn you all about the brand-new gameday tradition at 43 Lathrop; we’re replacing the lemon toss.  For those of you too lame to make it to the Best Pregame Party on Earth, for the past year we’ve played a fun little game where if somebody randomly calls your name and tosses a lemon at you (underhand, of course) and you fail to catch it, you must finish your drink on the spot.  Starting Saturday though, it’s gonna be eggs.  Raw eggs.  Head on a swivel, gentlemen.  And no fast-pitch softball bullshit either.  That just ruins the spirit of the game. 

Five Chode Points for every lie you can pick out in today’s edition.  First come, first serve.  Negative five for every true statement that you erroneously call a lie.  As of right now, Ben Steyer is winning with fifteen points on the season.  Of course, the same rules apply as last year; whoever ends the season with the most points gets either a case of the shittiest beer I can find at Riley’s Wines of the World, a six-pack of the nicest beer I can find at Riley’s Wines of the World, or a shot of your choosing at whatever bar you find me at.  And if the one person reading this who is allergic to beer somehow wins, I’ll get you cider or wine.  You deserve it, that’s a fate worse than death. 

Good God.  I just watched the highlights from tonight’s Colts-Texans game.  J.J. Watt has a legitimate chance to be the first defensive player to win the MVP since Lawrence Taylor 30 years ago.  Tonight’s take: 7 tackles, 3 for a loss, 2 sacks, one pass knocked down and a fumble return for a touchdown.  He has three touchdowns on the season.  That’s as many as Jimmy Graham, and two more than Montee Ball.  And we’re only six games in.  Not bad for a guy who walked on at UW.  Somehow, his teammates managed to lose tonight.  I’ll always believe that if he had stayed for his senior year and played with Russell Wilson, we would have won a national championship.

DENVER BRONCOS (3-1) at NEW YORK JETS (1-4)

I don’t care what the spread is for this game, it’s not high enough.  Hold on, let me look it up.

…

Seven?!?  Seven fucking points?!?  That’s it??  I’ve never bet on an NFL game before, but I think I might have to for this one.  Easy money.

DENVER by 24

MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL: KANSAS CITY ROYALS vs BALTIMORE ORIOLES vs SAN FRANCISCO GIANTS vs ST. LOUIS CARDINALS

I don’t care who wins the World Series, as long as it’s not the Cardinals.  Fuck you, St. Louis.  Budweiser sucks.  And even though the Brewers choked away the division lead again this year, I can sleep easy knowing the Cubs sucked immeasurably more.  Actually, I’m kinda rooting for Kansas City.  They’ve been terrible for so long, they’re creeping towards Minnesota territory.  Go Royals.

KANSAS CITY in six.

DETROIT LIONS (3-2) at MINNESOTA VIKINGS (2-3)

Calvin Johnson still out for the Lions?  Teddy Bridgewater back for the Vikings?  Possibility of the Pack taking over sole possession of 1^st place in the NFC North?  SKOL!! GO VIKES GO!! 
Ugh.  Now I feel like I need to go take a shower. And I think it goes without saying that Detroit will find a way to lose on a last-second field goal.

MINNESOTA by 3

Anyways, it’s now Friday afternoon and I have to go prepare for my evening routine of fighting crime and saving children from burning orphanages.  Last thoughts:

- Qdoba is superior to Chipotle.
- Just over 4,000 people have been killed by the Ebola virus in the past two years worldwide.  Malaria kills about 1,200,000 people every year.  Influenza kills somewhere between 20,000 and 50,000 in the USA annually.  Chill the fuck out, everyone.  And get your flu shot.

- Chode Out.

Chode Picks – Week 5

Hello world, and welcome back to the 5^th week of the Nobel Prize-winning Chode Picks!  I’m sure you all missed me over the past five or six days, so I’m getting them out early this week in a doomed attempt to publish before the Packer-Viking game tomorrow night.  Actually, you know what?  I’ll just write a paragraph about the game before and another one after.  Problem solved.  Damn, that’s brilliant.  High-five myself, no friends!

BEFORE: MINNESOTA VIKINGS (2-2) at GREEN BAY PACKERS (2-2)

At 4:00 PM central time tomorrow, I’m walking out of clinic, jumping in the car and racing up to Green Bay to watch the greatest team in the history of sports crush their inferior Minnesotan counterparts.  Just reading that sentence again makes me feel all warm and awesome inside.  Almost as much as watching Aaron Rodgers plant his foot in Chicago’s ass last Sunday afternoon.  In fact, that’s part of the reason I’m going to Lambeau tomorrow, because the only that will relieve the massive victory boner that last weekend’s game gave me is a three-hour party in Lombardi’s house.  And that’s what it’s going to be, because I’m not even remotely concerned about the possibility of defeat, especially without Adrian Peterson around to beat our linebackers with a stick.  And I promise I won’t alter this paragraph at all if we somehow shit the bed and lose. 

GREEN BAY by 24

#17 WISCONSIN BADGERS at NORTHWESTERN WILDCATS

True story: six years ago I was offered a scholarship to play football for Northwestern.  Now, it might also be true that the scholarship was only $1,000 and I’m referring to the University of Northwestern in St. Paul (Division III) rather than the Big Ten school, but whatever.  Close enough.  Go Eagles.  Also, I’m picking against the Badgers this week (Gasp!).  Mostly because we haven’t won in Evanston for approximately two centuries, but also because I think we’ll be able to need to throw the ball in order to beat a real, live Big Ten team.  Now, I could be wrong because apparently Joel “I shampoo with angel tears” Stave has gotten over his “yips” and says he can play now.  I’ll bet he’s the kind of guy who can’t pee if somebody is watching.  Anyways, Captain Stagefright still gives us a huge upgrade over Tanner McEmesis (shout out to the nerds who got that one) and I’m fully expecting Joel to play on Saturday.  But what the hell do I know, I’m not some sophisticated, intelligent savant like Gary Andersen.  I’m the kind of man who puts vodka in chocolate milk and uses a kitchen sponge to wash myself in the shower.  Despite that, we both know what needs to be done here. UNLEASH THE BLONDE BEAST, GARY!!

NORTHWESTERN by 3

So I just read on ESPN that Johnny Manziel is considering mentoring Jameis Winston in how to handle his off-the-field issues.  Wow.  That might be the worst idea I’ve heard since “Let’s just let Hitler take the Sudetenland.  I’m sure he’ll stop then.”  There’s a very short list of people who are less qualified than Turd Manziel to counsel a superstar quarterback on how to not act like a prick, and that list goes as follows; Ben Roethlisberger, Michael Vick, Thad Castle and O.J. Simpson.  That’s it. May God have mercy on whatever team takes Winston with the #1 overall pick next season.  Actually, let’s not kid ourselves.  It’s going to be the Jaguars. 
Speaking of Turd Manziel, I have to admit that I was extremely disappointed when the Vikings passed on him and took Teddy Bridgewater at the end of the 1^st round last spring, for two reasons.  First of all, I actually think Bridgewater is a good player.  He’s essentially a dumber version of Russell Wilson.  So the Vikings only need to surround him with a dominant rushing attack, the best defense in the NFL and Cordarrelle Patterson and they’ll have a recipe for their 5^th Super Bowl win.  Whoops, loss. I meant 5^th Super Bowl loss of course.  The Packer fan in me is just used to typing the word “win” after “Super Bowl”.  My bad.  Hey, speaking of the Vikings…

AFTER: MINNESOTA VIKINGS (2-3) at GREEN BAY MOTHERFUCKING PACKERS (3-2)

LOL.  My God, that was a fun game.  Short but sweet.  It was clear from the outset that Eddie Lacy told himself “Imma kill some purple bastards tonight” and proceeded to run past, around and over the entire Minnesota defense on the way to his best game of the season.  If you go back and watch his first touchdown run, it seems like he said to the other guys in the huddle “How ‘bout I knock the left d-end on his ass first, then run around the right side and score?  Wouldn’t that be fucking hilarious?”  Yes Eddie, it was.  Keep up the great work.  Rodgers did his part too, throwing for 3 TDs and zero picks, including a beautiful 66-yard bomb to Jordy.  I have to say, I watched that play unfold right in front of my eyes, and I don’t think I can put into words how beautiful it was live.  The crowd started screaming before Aaron even let go of the ball.  And then there was Julius Peppers with his first Lambeau Leap, courtesy of Christian Plunger, who apparently has the arm strength of a fetus and the decision-making capacity of General Custer.

BUFFALO BILLS (2-2) at DETROIT LIONS (3-1)

Bad news: we’re still a half game behind Detroit in the division.  Good news: the Lions always play down to their competition and find a way to lose games they should win.  Also, we get them at Lambeau in the last week of the season.  So I’ll go ahead and state the obvious right now: the Packers and Lions will play in week 17, tied atop the NFC North with a playoff spot on the line.  And Green Bay will it again.  This is how the world works.  But credit Detroit for playing so well through four weeks.  Hell, they might even grab the wild card spot.

BUFFALO by 7

Anyways, it’s Friday night and most of you are drunk so I debated waiting to post this until Saturday morning so more people would see it, but then I got all excited and finished too early.  Story of my life.  

I must have eaten Pinnochio, because this shit just got real.

- Chode Out.

Chode Picks – Week 4

Good morning readers, and thanks again for wasting a brief portion of your precious time to read the worthless collection of rants that I call the Chode Picks! It’s currently Thursday night in Madison and I’m gearing up for another brutal weekend of watching football and murdering my liver 12 ounces at a time. Presently though, I’m holding off on the beer. “Why?” you ask, oblivious to the fact that I can’t hear you through your smartphone screen. Well friends, it’s certainly not because I have clinic tomorrow morning. More likely because I’ve just invented the next beverage that will revolutionize the way we alter our brain chemistry: chocolate milk and vodka. I call it coffee, because it makes me cough. Delicious. Try some today.

This week’s edition of the Chode Picks is brought to you by Kemps and Karkov.

You might remember last week when I confidently predicted that the Green Bay Packers would rise back above .500 with a victory over the stupid Lions. Unfortunately, I couldn’t foresee our starting offensive line being replaced by a bunch of 8th graders, allowing Ndamukong Suh and Nick Fairley to take a giant steaming dump on our offense. Also, Aaron Rodgers looked strangely human in only throwing for one touchdown and missing a late pass to an open Jordy Nelson in the endzone. That’s alright, he’s due for one of these games a season, and I’m glad we got it out of the way early. Fortunately, we have a virtual two-week bye with games against the Bears and Vikings next on the schedule. Hey, speaking of…

GREEN BAY PACKERS (1-2) at CHICAGO BEARS (2-1)

Despite the fact that I have to wake up before noon to watch it on Sunday, I think this game is going to make me very happy. You see, the Bears have played just well enough to give Chicago fans a faint glimmer of hope, and we all know what comes next. The Bears come out and lose in agonizing fashion, leaving their dumbass supporters with that all too familiar sense of feeling stupid after falling for it yet again. Also, Julius Peppers. Julius motherfucking Peppers. He had to spend half a decade pretending to support that shitbag Cutler. You think he might be just a little excited to plant him face-first into the turf? I’m at half-mast just thinking about it. Better move on.

GREEN BAY by 3

*cough*

SOUTH FLORIDA BULLS (2-2) at #19 WISCONSIN BADGERS (2-1)

Considering that the AP and USA Today rankings don’t mean shit now that we have a playoff selection committee, maybe I ought to stop putting them in front of college teams this year. On the other hand, it provides just one more metric that proves we’re superior to Minnesota and Illinois. It stays for now. And this game is going to be another blowout. The Bulls gave up 315 rushing yards against NC State two weeks ago. If Gary Andersen wanted to be a dick, he could have our third-string running back (who’s name I’m not going to attempt to spell) get that many by halftime. Last Saturday’s massacre of Bowling Green made me feel much better about the upcoming Big Ten schedule. But I’m still really concerned about our passing game, with Tanner McEvridge showing little improvement from week to week. And damn it, we’re gonna need some pretense of a passing game if we plan on going to our biggest rival’s stadium and knocking them off next week. Yeah, that’s right. I just called Northwestern our biggest rival. Quick, for 15 Chode points, somebody name the last time we won in Evanston! It took me a while to find it. Anyways, the Badgers are going to crush the Bulls just like how the Miami Heat has crushed the Bulls over the past four seasons.

WISCONSIN by 20

Speaking of basketball, I just remembered that I need to mend fences with a man whose name I have slandered countless times in the Chode Picks: Bill Simmons. Never mind that he probably won’t ever read a single edition of the Chode Picks, he did something this week that makes him somewhat of a hero in this industry (journalism, not medicine). He called out Roger Goodell for being a hypocritical, lying shithead on his podcast. How did ESPN respond? By suspending their best writer for 3 weeks. And although we may have had our differences in the past (mostly because he’s a huge homer and cries like a bitch when things don’t go the Celtics’/Patriots’ way), he’s earned a respectful shout-out in the Picks this week by going where no journalist has had the balls to go before; laying out in explicit detail what a GIGANTIC FUCKING COCKBAG ROGER GOODELL IS!! And although I know plenty of people have called for Goodell’s head this season (figuratively), I’ll go a step further and offer one thousand Chode points to anyone in Connecticut who leaves a flaming bag of shit at ESPN’s corporate headquarters (literally). Because that’s how well they’ve handled the NFL’s PR issues this season. Fuck you with a spork, ESPN.

Hold up. I need to brew another mug of coffee.

As long as we’re on the topic of writers and suspensions, I forgot to address my long-separated brother Dan “The Bastard” LeBatard over the past 3 weeks. You see, over the past four years there have been only two major media members with the balls to vociferously defend Dwyane Wade, Chris Bosh and the rest of the greatest basketball team ever assembled against the horde of jealous, bitchy journalists: me and Dan. So I found it particularly hilarious when he offered a local Cleveland newspaper $100,000 to run a full-page ad reading “You’re welcome LeBron. Love, Miami”. Of course, this kicked off a storm of rage emanating from northeast Ohio and the Cleveland Plain Dealer angrily informed LeBatard that they would never, ever take his dirty money to besmirch the hallowed name of LeBron James. But as it turns out, billboards in Akron are a hell of a lot cheaper, you get them for a full month and their owners don’t give a damn about protecting local athletes. So Brass Balls Dan bought six of them for less than $12,000 instead, and the Cleveland Plain Dealer threw a picture of the billboards on their front page the next week. For free. Point, LeBatard.
Naturally, the Worldwide Leader in Sports hates all things fun and good in life, so they suspended Dan for two days. So again EPSN, fuck you with a thousand serrated metal sporks.

MY FANTASY FOOTBALL TEAMS (2-4) vs EVERYONE ELSE (28-26)

I don’t know why I keep throwing $20 away every season. Clearly I suck at this. Once again, team Rice Beaters was cold-cocked by a firm roundhouse of fantasy highlights last week, and Adrian BeaterSon got taken behind the woodshed and flogged with a stick. I need a new hobby. Fantasy basketball, anyone?

… anyone?

EVERYONE ELSE by 30

ARKANSAS RAZORBACKS (3-1) at #6 TEXAS A&M AGGIES (4-0)

LOL. Good luck, Bielema. You know, last year Beer Belly Bret’s crew started the season 3-1 also. Want to know how that season ended? WITH ZERO WINS AND EIGHT MORE LOSSES HAHAHAHA!! Unfortunately, the powerhouse University of Alabama-Birmingham is on the schedule this year, so Arkansas might be able to scrape their way to 4-8 this season. If they make a bowl game I’ll eat my cheesehead. Oh by the way, that reminds me; why the hell doesn’t anyone else wear cheeseheads to Badger games? If there’s one college in the country that should, it’s Wisconsin. Especially when Nebraska comes to town, because those stupid corn hats are hideous and we can flaunt our headwear superiority as we hurl obscenities at the elderly and score 70 on the blackshirts. Plus, a cheesehead keeps your head dry during rain games since you can’t bring umbrellas in. Fifteen Chode points to anyone who wears a cheesehead to a Badger game this season and takes a picture. Suck it, Viking/Bear fans.

TEXAS A&M by 3x10^8

Well, time to call it a wrap for the week. Come early to pregame at 43 Lathrop tomorrow and I’ll get you a present. And by present, I mean I’ll throw lemons at you.

Fun fact: in both 2012 and 2013, the Green Bay Packers began the season 1-2. In both 2012 and 2013, the Green Bay Packers won the NFC North.

Goodbye, Derek Jeter.

-Chode Out.

Chode Picks – Week 3

Ladies and gentlemen (mostly gentlemen), welcome back to week 3 of the world’s foremost authority on all things sports, alcohol and otherwise, the Chode Picks!  Week 2 was a success, with the Green Bay Packers asserting their dominance over the powerhouse New York Jets and the Wisconsin Badgers finding a way not to lose over the bye week.  High-fives all around.  Furthermore, the Minnesota Vikings and Detroit Lions both got waxed by a couple of bottom feeders, putting the Pack in a tie for 1^st place in the NFC North.  The only blemish on the week was Colin Kaepernick throwing approximately 1,342 interceptions against the Bears, allowing Chicago to pull out an unlikely victory, but that’s alright because hey, fuck that guy too. So let’s get to the picks.  First and foremost…

ADRIAN PETERSON (0-1) vs TEXAS COURT SYSTEM (1-0)

This is what happens when you make a deal with Satan to come back from a torn ACL and win the MVP nine months later.  Or rather, this is what happens when you’re a shitty father and you live in a society that puts athletes on a pedestal and allows them to act like entitled pricks with no repercussions.  ‘Merica.  At least my team’s players only drink codeine like Kool-Aid, pop Vicodin like Skittles and grope high school girls in hot tubs (here’s to you, Chmura!).

TEXAS COURT SYSTEM by five years with parole

GREEN BAY PACKERS (1-1) at DETROIT LIONS (1-1)

Jordy Nelson is better than Calvin Johnson.  There, I said it and I’ll never take it back.  And I know this means at least one of my friends just stopped angrily closed his laptop and mentally flipped me off.  Whatever.  Every so often, God looks down from his eternal perch, points at a newborn and says “this one shall have balls carved out of fucking granite”.  As is the case with Jordan Raymond Nelson.  One of the proudest days of my life was this past summer when a random guy told me “you could pass for Jordy”.  You know what?  My first child, boy or girl, will be named Jordan Nelson Quilling. 

Sorry, I got a but sidetracked there.  My point is, the Packers are going to stomp the Lions and take our rightful place at the top of the division.

GREEN BAY by 14

BOWLING GREEN FALCONS (2-1) at  #19 WISCONSIN BADGERS (1-1)

Normally I would call this a trap game for the Badgers since Bowling Green beat Indiana last week, but we all know the Hoosiers are horseshit, so I’m actually not all that concerned.  Especially coming off of a bye week during which I can only assume the team worked on perfecting those two-yard hitches and screen passes that are the hallmark of every efficient passing offense.  Either way, if Gordon and Clemente don’t both crack 100 yards in this game I’m going to be somewhat disappointed.  Maybe we’ve been spoiled over the past five years, but I miss watching a Badger running back take a handoff and not be touched until he reaches the end zone 60 yards downfield.  More importantly, I’m waking up at 6:00 AM to enjoy one of the last warm-weather party atmospheres of 2014.  So if you’re in Madison, make your way to 45 Lathrop early in the morning for some beer and shenanigans.  Tell them the Chode sent you. 

WISCONSIN by 28

THIS WEEKEND (0-0) vs MY LIVER (0-82)

Ha.  Biggest mismatch of the season.  Let’s see, warm weather Badger home game plus a ton of friends from undergrad coming back to town plus my girlfriend’s 17^th birthday equals one small step for New Belgium Brewing company and one giant leap towards cirrhosis when I’m 60.

Just kidding.  She’s 22.  Happy birthday Dana, you’re famous now.

THIS WEEKEND by 36

USA BASKETBALL (163-8) vs REST OF WORLD (who cares??)

Raise your hand if you watched the World Cup final.  Put your hands down, you dirty liars.  I may have been the only man in Wisconsin watching the title game last Sunday, but I’d be lying if I told you it didn’t make me proud of my country to watch Kyrie Irving, Boogie Cousins and company smack around the helpless Serbians like Ray Rice’s wife in a casino elevator. ‘MERICA!!  You’re all shitty patriots.  Ten Chode Points to the first person to name all twelve members of the 2014 USA Basketball roster.

UNITED STATES OF AMERICA by infinity, forever.

This is kind of off-topic, but did any of you guys watch the video I posted in week 1?  Because those guys are coming to play at Memorial Union in Madison in February.  I’ve been told tickets are gonna be pretty cheap too.  2 Cellos.  Look them up on YouTube, they kick all kinds of ass.  If only we could book someone nearly as good for Halloween on State Street.  Hey, that gives me another idea.  Thirty Chode Points to anyone who writes to Dave Grohl and asks the Foo Fighters to play in Madison on Halloween next year.  One thousand Chode Points if he agrees to do it.  That would make my life.

A couple more random thoughts before I call it a week:

One-fifth of the beer sold annually in the United States is Bud Light.  Good God, that’s depressing.

I was reading today about a new jetpack designed to make soldiers run faster.  I’ll bet the French are fucking ecstatic.

Roses are red
Violets are glorious
Never sneak up
On Oscar Pistorius.

I apologize for the short edition, but I have some beer to drink.

Until next time,

-Chode Out.